<i> - He's like, "Oh, yeah, no
problem.</i> He's like, "Rack-a-tah,
Rack-a-tah, boom, boom, boom." [speaking Spanish] "That's it.
You beat the motherfucker up. That's all you need to do." <i> [dark electronic music]</i> - [indistinct shouting]
- Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? - Come on. Move. Come on.
- What? What's going on? - Come on.
- This is not happening. [rapid gunfire] No, no. What... I'm--I'm your host. I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr. - Come on. - Ahh, ahh. - Augh! - [groans] [glass shattering] [panting] <i> ♪ ♪</i> Mm...ahh! <i> [bones crunching]</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> Check out is album "Laughing
And Crying At The Same Time." This is Chris Garcia. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - When I was a kid, I was fat. Yeah, anybody else play goalie? [laughter] Yeah, so yeah, I was a fat kid,
and once you're a fat kid-- if you're a fat kid, you know
that it will haunt you the rest of your life. Like the ghost of Go-Gurts
past. It's just always right there,
and I've struggled with my weight my whole life. Once second I'm fat, then I'm
skinny, then I'm fat, then I'm skinny. One second I'm Jonah Hill,
and then I'm Jonah Hill, and then I'm Jonah Hill,
and then I'm Jonah Hill, and I just want to be somewhere
in the middle, Seth Rogan, and...
[laughter] A couple of years ago, I was
dating this woman, and she was way out of my
league, and I knew it, and she knew it, and I was
uncomfortable the whole time, 'cause I met her when I was
skinny, and I knew the fat she was
gonna drop, and I was gonna get fat again. I just knew it. I knew it, and a year and a
half into the relationship it happened. You know, you get comfortable
after a year and a half. You gain that Netflix 15 or
whatever. And that's what happened.
I got fat again and had a sneaking suspicion
that she wanted to leave me because I looked at her phone
when she was in the shower. [laughter] And this is what she told her
friend. She texted her friend.
She was like, "Hey, I think I'm gonna leave Chris." And her friend was like, "Why?" And she was like, "He's
starting to look like a fat Peter Dinklage. [laughter] Ouchies. Like, Peter Dinklage is
handsome, but Fat Dink is not what I'm going for. So I freak out; I was like,
"I've got to lose some weight. "I've got to lose weight fast. I want to stay with this girl,
you know." And I looked at the back of the
weekly paper, and there's was an ad for a
boxing boot camp. And I was like, "That seems
like a good idea." It's eight weeks, five days a week, 6:00 a.m. to
8:00 a.m. And it was taught by these,
like, Irish gold glove boxers. Like, fresh off the boat Irish
guys. I didn't understand a fucking
word they said. They were just like...
[speaking gibberish] And it was, like, the sounded
like fuckin' Bono in reverse, right? But they were really good
trainers, and I was really into it, so I
started, like, training. I start boxing.
I'm, like, jumping rope. I'm running; I'm starting to,
like, cut weight and all this
stuff. I'm really into it. My girlfriend leaves her laptop
in my apartment with her G-chat open. I had to take a snoop. I had to, and I took a look, and she told her friend,
she was like, "Hey, I think I'm gonna fuck
this DJ." And I was like, "You're gonna
fuck a DJ? Have fun having bedbugs and
paying for his fucking rent. That's some bullshit." And I get mad, right? And I look him up, and this guy
is beautiful. This guy is fucking fine as
fuck. He looks look Persian Common. [laughter] Imagine handsome-ass Common
with, like, a hookah in his mouth; that
shit was sexy. [laughter] He's, like, a very beautiful
man, and I'm like, "Fuck this shit." And this is very embarrassing,
but this is what I did. I went on his Facebook page,
and I printed out a picture of him, and I put it in my
locker... [laughter] At the gym. It was a moment of weakness,
but I needed motivation. I need to lose weight, and I
was like, "I'm gonna put a picture of
this motherfucker up in my locker." I do that; this gay guy in my
class is like, "Is that your boyfriend?
He's beautiful." [laughter] I'm like, "No, it's not my
fucking boyfriend. I'm gonna beat that guy off--
I mean, up." Fuck!" [laughter] I'm getting all amped. I'm getting really into this
class. I'm, like, I've conflated these
two things, like, becoming a boxer and getting my
girl back, and one day I'm in class,
right, and there's, like--I'm
sparring. And you spar with random
people. This one day I sparred with
this guy who's, like, 6'2", right? He's, like--I'm, like,
5-Dinklage, you know. I am not tall. This guy's very tall, and--but
we're just doing body blows. We're sparring; we're only
allowed to hit each other in the body and stuff, and I'm,
like, a little intimidated,
but whatever. I'm trying to beat up Persian
Common right now. I don't give a fuck. So I'm punching this guy in the
stomach, right, and he blocks himself really
close to his stomach, and I punch him, and I punch
him in the nuts. And he's like, "Watch it, bro. You punched me in the nuts." And I'm like, "I didn't punch
you. "I punched you in the stomach,
but you're blocking too close "to your body. This is too close. "If you block right here, I'm
gonna punch you in the nuts. You need to block out here."
He was like, "Whatever, bro." I punch him again, boom, in the
nuts. He was like, "You punched me in
the nuts." I was like, "No, you punched
you in the nuts." And then he comes, and he
sucker punches me in the face. And my face explodes. And there's just blood
everywhere down my shirt. I'm like, "Fuck you, dude." Boom, and I take this crazy
swing at him, and we're just taking these
weird haymakers at each other. The class stops. The class stops, circles around
us. One of the Irish coaches is
like, "Finally some fuckin' boxin' in
here." [laughter] And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, I
love this shit." After the class, the boxing
coach is like, "Hey, after the eight weeks, we open
up the gym for a fight night." [laughter] "We invite a couple of the
boxers from the class to fight. "You can invite your friends "and your family and stuff. "It's at nighttime. "We have ringsider girls and
announcers and referees. Would you want to participate
in that?" And I was like, "Yeah. "I want to do that. "I'm gonna invite my
girlfriend. "I'm gonna get in a boxing
ring. "I'm gonna beat some
motherfucker up. And I'm gonna win her back." That was my plan. I show up the day of the fight. I ask my coach, "Who am I
fighting?" He was like, "Oh, you're
fighting the guy you punched in the nuts." I'm like, "Fuck, this guy's
6'2"." He's--he's like a blond, buff,
6'2" blond guy. He was buff when he got into
the class. If he was in an '80s movie, his
name would be, like, Rad Chad Masters. And I already pissed him off. I'm like, "This guy's gonna
fucking murder me. This is not what I'm going
for." You know what I mean?
And I'm nervous. And I was like, "I don't know
what to do." It's the day of the fight.
I call my dad. My dad's an old Cuban man. Cubans love boxing. He's like my own Mr. Miyagi. Señor Miyagi. So I call my dad.
I'm like, "Papi." That's what I call him, 'cause
he's my dad, not 'cause he's Pitbull. I say...I say, "Papi, my
fight's tonight. I need some advice.
What do I do?" He's like, "Oh, yeah, no
problem. He's like, "Rack-a-tah,
Rack-a-tah, boom, boom, boom." [speaking Spanish] "That's it.
You beat the motherfucker up. That's all you need to do." [laughter and applause] And I'm like, "That's great,
Dad. "The guy's 6'2", and he's like,
"Oh, okay. Yeah, you're gonna lose." [laughter] "You've got no chance, man. "You're not gonna beat this guy
up. "I don't know; do the sign of
the cross "or some<i> brujerí</i> or some shit. "Actually, you know what? "The only way you're gonna beat
him is psychologically. "You need to get inside the
guy's head, okay? "He's more scared to lose to
you "than you are to lose to him,
okay? "So do some crazy shit.
Get in his head. "If he thinks he's gonna lose
to you, "at least you have a little
window of opportunity to fuck him up." And I was like, "Okay, thanks." So I was, like, that's kind
of--that's all I've got. What am I gonna do? This guy's fuckin huge, you
know. And I'm like, "All right, be
weird "and crazy. Act like an idiot." So I was like, "I've got a day,
and so I was like, "All right, I'm gonna buzz my
head." I buzz my head with a beard
trimmer. Like a fugitive running from
the fucking law. [laughter] I looked all crazy. I wore these dirty, bloody
basketball shorts from when he punched me. I never washed them.
They're down to here. I wore mismatched socks all the
way up to my knees like a fucking rodeo clown. I wore these dirty Chucks. I was the only boxer that did
not wear a shirt that night. I've got a tattoo and some
scars. I looked crazy.
I looked like a fucking out-of-work Juggalo. [laughter] And so I show up. I get in the ring. My girl's there.
My friends are watching. There's comedians there. I was like, "I better win or
I'm gonna get fucking heckled or dumped or some shit,
right?" So I show up; I'm in the ring. The announcer comes over, and
he's like, "Hey, what do you want me to
say about you?" And I was like, "Call me the
Cuban Missile Crisis." [laughter] And he announces me, and he's
like, "Chris 'The Cuban Missile
Crisis' Garcia." And I'm like, "Yeah!" And I--part of my crazy plan
was to, like, I'm not gonna look--before the
fight when we knock gloves, I'm not gonna look this
motherfucker in the eye. He's gonna look down at me by 6
inches and just be like, "I got you. You punched me in the nuts;
I'ma kill you, motherfucker." So I just, like, ignored his
face. And I just fucking
"Sling Blade'd" my face, and I just--I ended up staring
at his fucking nuts. I was just like... [laughter] The fight starts. I'm too mesmerized by his nuts,
and he's just, like, boom, punches me, like, uppercut,
two uppercuts, and I'm, like, "Uhh," and
there's blood just going down my chin and just
down my chest, and I'm like, "Ah, fuck,"
and I'm like-- this is not what I'm going for
right here. I'm not trying to get beat up
in front of this fool. So I get--I get close. I'm just running around all
crazy. And then he comes close, and I
punch him in the nuts. And he's like "Dude." He's like, "You fucking
nut-puncher!" And he pushes me across the
ring, and I'm like, "Ahh!" And I'm feeling--I don't
know if you've been in a fight before,
but your adrenaline is insane. And I see my girl and stuff,
and I'm like, "Ahh!" And I run towards the guy,
and I'm just like, "Ahh!" Flailing at him, and I hug him,
and I start punching him in the back of the head like
this. Like, he's, like, this tall. It was like this.
"Ahh!" It was fucking nuts. And the referee pulls me aside,
and he's like--he's like, "Stop it.
You're out of control." And I spit my bloody mouthguard
out. I just go...and then I go,
"Fuck you! He's bigger than me!" And the crowd's like, "Yeah!" And I'm like, "Yeah. I'm a comedian.
I love this noise," you know? [laughter] My boxing coach brings me into
the corner, and he's like, "Hey, come over
here. You need to relax." [laughter] And I was like, "Okay, I'll
relax. Fine."
And he's like, "I put you against this guy, "'cause I think you could beat
him up. "You have a lot of heart, and
you put a lot into this. "Also, you're left-handed,
and he's right-handed. "So he's only used to boxing
right-handers. "You kind of have an advantage
in this weird way. "So when he comes in with a
hook, "you duck it, you enter, like,
toward the stomach, "and you just punch him in the
guts. "Punch him--not in the nuts,
in the guts. Just bust his fucking guts." And I was like, "All right." I come in; he comes in with the
hook. "Oh, fuck." [laughter] "God damn it." And then we start fighting some
more. We're pushing each other
around. It's kind of crazy, and I'm
like, "All right, I'm just waiting
for this hook to come in." He comes, he punches me again,
and he punches me again, and my eye just immediately
swells up. It looks like a fucking raw
hamburger paddy slash butthole. [laughter] I could see it.
My eye was too closed. I was just like this, and I was
like, "Oh, dude," and, like, time froze, and I'm
just looking at my girlfriend, and she was like, "No!" And I'm like, "Well, it was
nice knowing you. I'm about to lose, and this is
gonna be fucking terrible." I'm imagining here. I'm imagining Persian common
just fucking her super hard and just fucking ramming her. I'm thinking about my dad being
like, "You fucking disappointment,
man. I came to America for this
bullshit, you know?" And I'm like, "All right,"
we box some more. He comes in with a hook, and I just fucking bust him in
the gut. I bust him in the gut. And then I hit him right--
right above the dick. Super--like, right here, and he
goes, "Ahh," like this, and he's like, "Don't punch me
in the nuts. Don't punch me in the nuts." And his hands are down here. And he's, like, right in front
of my face. And his face is exposed. His gloves and down, and I just
go boom. And I clocked his ass,
and he fell, and I beat him. [cheers and applause] Psychologically. He's just laying there flopping
around like fucking fish. And they call the fight, and it
was over. And I'm like, "Oh, shit. Ahh." And my girlfriend walks--she,
like, runs around towards me, like Adrian and Rocky or
whatever, and she's like, "Christian!" And she comes, and she throws
her arms around me, and she's all horny. She got super horny. She just saw me beat up some
big-ass dude. She gets all horny, and she's
like, "Where'd you get these muscles
from?" And she starts grabbing these
weird muscles that are gone now, but she was,
like, grabbing these weird muscles,
and I realized, I was like, "You haven't touched me in over
two months." So that night, I took her home. I showed her what the Cuban
Missile Crisis was all about. I won her back. And then I broke up with her. [cheers and applause] You guys have been great. My name is Chris Garcia.
Good night. <i> - Chris Garcia, everybody,
Chris.</i> <i> [dark electronic music]</i>
