Ali Siddiq (Def Jam Comedy): World's Getting Taller Than Me Full Stand Up | Comedy Time

[Music] hey what's happening I'm so lazy you know I'm I'm getting a little frustrated with being short because it's like the whole world is getting taller than me because now they have these tall stools they put in clubs and when you five seven it's like you and a grown man's high chair see right now you know I look you know grown you know halfway attractive that's because I'm sitting on that edge now if I scoot all the way back you see this is ridiculous I'm 37 and my feet are dangling I ain't gonna talk to a woman in the club with your feet dangling Excuse Me Miss Hulu boy is this I'm like I'm wrong man I'm grown I'm I'm not racist at all I have racial Envy I envy other races you know it's it's like it's I'm so jealous it's ridiculous I I want to be Spanish if I wasn't black I would want to be Spanish because Spanish men think they don't are the sexiest men on the planet that's why they keep their shirt butt down to their neighbor you know [Music] can't do it really raimondo really so jealous of Spanish people Spanish people do incredible things they like Spanish people can stay with their family forever and nobody says nothing [Applause] you gotta get out of here and I knew she was serious I would lay on the couch I was 14 she walked by time it's ticking [Applause] [Music] I wanna y'all don't understand how bad I want to be Spanish Spanish people nothing happens to them Spanish people when the last time somebody broke in your house never because it's always somebody home in somebody's Spanish house I gonna break in with somebody looking at you who's it it's Romando who called me come on ramondo I moved to a white neighborhood thought this was going to be really nice I live like like a little gated community man it's crazy white people jog every morning running past my house every morning I get up and look at them look at them out there looking all refreshed it's crazy I can't even jog in my own neighborhood for some reason when I'm jogging I'm running from a crime like really really they should have a jog age limit it's one the one white guy in Jaws he's like 80. when is he gonna stop it come on Mr Wilson it's crazy black people are very resilient we don't we don't let a lot of things bother us I read the USA Today every day and you know I kind of stereotype sometimes when I'm reading you know it said ever since the recession the rate of suicide has gone up and I know this has nothing to do with my people because we don't let bills kill us I've never seen a bill that's gonna make me kill myself never my life it could be three trillion dollars I'm gonna come hey I'm gonna send y'all something Thursday like what Thursday now y'all in my business it's gonna be a Thursday I got some extra money because I'm not gonna spend all my money on my bills [Applause] it's ridiculous man I have a lot of friends and my wife friends are the only ones who do this do not calculate all your bills out and they come up to equal your check and you pay all your bills you crazy something's not getting paid I think it's Geico so I didn't roll around without insurance before I'm not scared of that okay I'm not sitting in my house broke on a Friday you stop liking your house like this is terrible I need the paint over there I think that men are more confident than women and I know women always get mad at me about that but it's so easy to do a confidence test and you know when the last time fellas the ugly woman tried to talk to you never so what a woman thinks she's on the track and she's nothing to say nothing to you you could be your name Steve you're on the job women like you like they don't still say something mistake why you not gonna say no mistake because I am ugly [Applause] ugly men do not care about being ugly and women know as soon as the ugly man see them excuse me excuse me being okay about being ugly I'm telling you and your lady you and your girlfriend sitting at the bar ugly man to come slide right between both of y'all which one of y'all drinking [Applause] men don't care about nothing men do not care about being fat we do not care about being real man a man will get his little fat self right out the shower and look right here to my man I'm gonna kill her when I put my clothes men don't even know they fat till they've been doing come up too fast and see them little lightning bugs can we catch one of these thank you Lord my man it's a grown man working out after he got a job my job is my workout the women women they care about being fat they care so much that man I don't know if you know that women have come up with some sort of device to put under their clothes and stuff they're fat make their body look smooth you can't even make a good decision in a club you're like I'm gonna take her home you get a home she unfold like luggage and crap foreign [Music] I put my daughter in private school I thought this was a good thing it was ridiculous man you put your kid in private school and then they become smarter than you but it's not like I'm dumb or nothing this is the fact that you know I got old and now I'm forgetting how to spell words and it's not the big words it's Little Words If you ever wrote something down and it just didn't look right and you're like man I know how to spell if throw some down my daughter walked past me and said don't worry wrong I say what's wrong with it she said you need to move that cue I say move it where she say off the paper her name is Ali y'all been one [Music]

Channel: Comedy Time

Views: 275,196

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Id: nNWeTv4kNqg

Length: 8min 50sec (530 seconds)

Published: Tue May 16 2023