WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M HOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I WANT TO -- THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADULATION, I
NEED IT. IT'S UP THERE WITH OXYGEN. BUT I WILL SAY IN LIGHT OF
RECENT RALLIES, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO ENJOY TONIGHT'S GATHERING,
BUT I ENCOURAGE YOU TO PLEASE CHANT RESPONSIBLY. BECAUSE LAST NIGHT -- JUST LAST
NIGHT -- LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP'S CROWD DID A BAD THING,
EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED -- ( LAUGHTER )
YOU SEE, ALL WEEK, EVERY REPUBLICAN HAS BEEN ON DEFENSE
AGAINST TRUMP'S RACIST TWEETS AGAINST FOUR CONGRESSWOMEN KNOWN
COLLECTIVELY AS "THE SQUAD." ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DO THAT
FACE. TRUMP WAS CONDEMNED BY THE HOUSE
OF REPRESENTATIVES FOR HIS RACIST LANGUAGE, BUT LIKE A
CREATURE OF PURE ENERGY AND "STAR TREK,"
OUR HORROR ONLY MAKES HIM STRONGER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, TRUMP TRIPLED DOWN LAST NIGHT AT A RALLY IN NORTH
CAROLINA. HISTORIANS ARE ALREADY CALLING
IT HIS "I WISH IT WAS ALL JUST A BAD DREAM SPEECH." ( LAUGHTER )
THE UGLINESS STARTED BEFORE HE WENT DOWN THERE. WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE WAS
RELISHING HIS CONFRONTATION WITH THE CONGRESSWOMEN, TRUMP MADE AN
IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: >> I'M NOT RELISHING THE FIGHT. I'M ENJOYING IT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: DOES HE KNOW WHAT "RELISH" MEANS? (AS TRUMP)
"I'M NOT RELISHING THE FIGHT. I'M NOT MAYO-ING IT. BUT I AM RUSSIAN DRESSING IT." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE RALLY STARTED WITH TRUMP TELLING THE CROWD JUST HOW BUSY
HIS JOB ISN'T. >> WE HAVE ALL NIGHT. WE CAN HAVE A LOT OF FUN
TONIGHT. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO. NOTHING. NOTHING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONLY THING ON
MY TO-DO LIST WAS 'BE RACIST' AND I CHECKED THAT OFF ON
SUNDAY." "ALL IN THE CLEAR. ALL IN THE CLEAR ." BUT TRUMP DOESN'T WANT YOU TO
THINK BEING PRESIDENT IS EASY. IT'S TAKEN A TOLL ON HIS SOCIAL
LIFE. >> YOU LOSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL AFRAID TO TALK TO
YOU. I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. THEY'VE TIGHTENED UP, THEY'VE
CHOKED. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THEY'VE CHOKED! THEY CAN'T BREATHE, BECAUSE
PEOPLE HAVE SUCH RESPECT FOR THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. THEY HAVE RESPECT FOR THE OFFICE
OF THE PRESIDENT. >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"MY FRIENDS ARE ALL COWARDLY, STUCK-UP CHOKE ARTISTS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THEY DON'T
TALK TO ME ANYMORE." ( LAUGHTER )
HE TALKED ABOUT ONE SPECIFIC FRIEND OF HIS. >> I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS, NEW
YORK DEVELOPERS. RICH GUYS, CALL UP, "UH, MR.
PRESIDENT, HOW ARE YOU, SIR? UH, IT'S RICHARD. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOUR RICH FRIEND IS... RICHARD? ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) "I HAVE RICH FRIENDS, LIKE... RICH...ARD. AND POWERFUL FRIENDS, LIKE... POW...ARD." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, TRUMP TALKED ABOUT MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE FACING OUR
COUNTRY: HIS OLD REALITY SHOW. >> WHENEVER I HEAR THAT,
"APPRENTICE," I SAY I LOVE THAT WORD, THAT WAS A GOOD SHOW. THEY FIGURED, YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'LL DO? WE WILL GET ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER TO TAKE MY PLACE. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT TOO WELL. THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT TOO WELL. WE HAD 14 SEASONS. THINK OF THAT. "THE APPRENTICE!"
I PROUDLY SIGNED FOUR BIPARTISAN HUMAN TRAFFICKING LAWS. >> STEPHEN: WHOA! WHAT? ( LAUGHTER )
WOW, SOME EPISODE! THE 14TH SEASON OF "THE
APPRENTICE" SOUNDS INCREDIBLE. (AS TRUMP)
"GARY BUSEY, YOUR CHALLENGE IS: OPEN A LEMONADE STAND. MEATLOAF, YOUR CHALLENGE IS: END
THE GLOBAL SLAVE TRADE." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP'S BRAIN REALLY TOOK A LEAVE OF ABSENCE:
>> THE SAME DAY THERE IS ANOTHER CRUCIAL ELECTION IN NORTH
CAROLINA NINTH CONDOIT--- YOU KNOW WHAT-- RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT? >> STEPHEN: NO! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN BY
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN BY
"THE NINTH COND-OOEY." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S A SLUR AGAINST IMMIGRANTS. (AS TRUMP)
"YOU KNOW WHO REALLY NEEDS TO GO BACK HOME? THE DAMN COND-OOEY. SPEAK ENGLISH, COND-OOEY." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP TURNED HIS LIDLESS EYE TO THE FOUR CONGRESSWOMEN,
CALLING THEM OUT BY NAME, AND HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH ONE OF
THEM. >> REPRESENTATIVE ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ (PRONOUNCING). CORTEZ. SOMEBODY SAID THAT'S NOT HER
NAME. IT'S-- THEY SAID, THAT'S NOT HER
NAME, SIR. I SAID, NO, NO. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO WITH
THREE DIFFERENT NAMES. WE'LL CALL HER CORTEZ. TOO MUCH TIME. TAKES TOO MUCH TIME. >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"IT TAKES TOO MUCH TIME TO SAY THREE NAMES. TIME I COULD BE SPENDING WITH MY
DEAR FRIENDS MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, KIM JONG-UN, AND K.F.C." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP FANNED THE FLAMES OF THE CROWD'S... WOULD YOU BELIEVE
"ECONOMIC ANXIETY?" >> I HAVE A SUGGESTION FOR THE
HATE-FILLED EXTREMISTS WHO ARE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO TEAR OUR
COUNTRY DOWN. >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"COME TO MY RALLY, YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THEN HE WENT ON ABOUT THE
CONGRESSWOMEN: >> THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING GOOD
TO SAY. THAT'S WHY I SAY, HEY, IF THEY
DON'T LIKE IT, LET THEM LEAVE. LET THEM LEAVE. IF THEY DON'T LOVE IT, THEY CAN
LEAVE IT. >> Stephen: SO HE SAID THESE
WOMEN SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY. LET'S SEE IF THE CROWD IS ABLE
TO PICK UP ON THAT SUBTLE MESSAGING, WHEN HE STARTS
TALKING ABOUT MINNESOTA CONGRESSWOMAN ILHAN OMAR. >> AND SHE LOOKS DOWN WITH
CONTEMPT ON THE HARDWORKING AMERICANS, SAYING THAT IGNORANCE
IS PERVASIVE IN MANY PARTS OF THIS COUNTRY. ( BOOING )
( SEND HER BACK CHANTS ) AND OBVIOUSLY AND IMPORTANTLY,
OMAR HAS A HISTORY OF LAUNCHING VICIOUS ANTI-SEMITIC SCREEDS. ( SEND HER BACK CHANTS )
>> Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT THESE RALLIES
WHERE A NATIONAL LEADER WHIPS PEOPLE UP INTO A RACIST FRENZY
MIGHT HAVE A DARK SIDE. THIS CHANT DID NOT HELP TRUMP'S
IMAGE AS NOT A RACIST, SO THIS AFTERNOON HE TRIED TO DISTANCE
HIMSELF FROM HIS OWN IDEA. >> WHEWHEN THEY WERE CHANTING SE
THEM BACK, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK THEM THIS TO STOP SAYING THAT? >> WELL, NUMBER ONE, I THINK I
DID. I STARTED SPEAKING VERY QUICKLY. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, YOU STARTED
SPEAKING VERY QUICKLY TO STOP THEM FROM CHANTING. LET'S SEE HOW VERY QUICKLY YOU
STARTED. ( SEND HER BACK CHANTS )
>> AND SHE TALKED ABOUT THE EVIL. ISRAEL. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU DIDN'T CUT THEM OFF. YOU LET THEM FULLY GET THEIR
HATE ROCKS OFF. SECOND, THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF
QUICK? I LOOK FORWARD TO THE DONALD
TRUMP INVITATIONAL TRACK MEET. >> ON YOUR MARK, GET SET... (GUN SHOT)
AND THEY'RE OFF! (GUN SHOT)
AND THEY'RE OFF! ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I LOVE THAT. GREAT. GREAT. THE REPORTER PRESSED HIM
FURTHER. >> SO YOU WILL TELL YOUR
SUPPORTERS NEVER TO... >> WELL, I WILL SAY THAT I WAS
NOT HAPPY WITH IT. I DISAGREE WITH IT. BUT, AGAIN, I DIDN'T SAY THAT. THEY DID. >> STEPHEN: WOW! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
TRUMP SUPPORTERS, DID YOU SEE HIM THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS? >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: PROBABLYT NOT,
SINCE YOU HAVE A TIRE ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
AND, WAIT A SECOND -- TRUMP, YOU DISAGREE WITH IT? HEY, THIS IS YOUR PARTY. YOU'RE THE BRIDE AT THE WHITE
POWER WEDDING. AND YOU SENT OUT SOME LOVELY
ENGRAVED INVITATIONS. (AS TRUMP)
"PLEASE JOIN ME ON THE DARK SIDE. PICK ONE: CHICKEN, FISH, OR RACE
WAR." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND FOR PETE'S SAKE, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO BE A DEMAGOGUE, AT LEAST GROW A PAIR AND TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU INSPIRED THEM TO CHANT
WUSSI-LINI. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU CREATED THAT CROWD. YOU'RE LIKE DR. FRANKENSTEIN
SAYING, "I DIDN'T STRANGLE THOSE VILLAGERS, THAT WAS MY MONSTER! ALL I DID WAS SEW TOGETHER SOME
DEAD BODIES, ZAP IT WITH LIGHTNING, DENY IT LOVE, SET IT
LOOSE, AND MENTION THAT I KNEW SOME PEOPLE WHO COULD USE A GOOD
STRANGLING!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. NORAH O'DONNELL IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND!
