( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH! OH! >> Stephen: CHEERS. >> Jon: HE'S ON FIRE! HE'S ON FIRE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS? WHAT ARE WE SHOOTING FOR? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT
OF TIME DELICATELY WHITTLING A MELANGE OF THE DAY'S MOST
PRESSING STORY TIMBERS, PRECISELY MEASURING THE NECKS,
RIBS, AND BACKS OF THE NEWS, EMPLOYING ONLY THE MOST
SOPHISTICATED AND TOPICAL PURFLING, THEN LAYING 15
EXQUISITE COATS OF INSIGHT ONTO THE ORNATE YET ROBUST
STRADIVARIUS VIOLIN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I GATHER UP FRAYED ELECTRICAL WIRE FROM A BURNT-OUT BOWLING
ALLEY, TAPE IT TO A TERMITE-INFESTED 2X4, THEN SHOVE
ONE END INTO A DISCARDED CHUM BUCKET TO MAKE THE APPALACHIAN
DRIFTER'S BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. A TRYING TO FOR THE -- A DELIGHT
FOR THE EYES. MEANWHILE, THE
OLYMPICS ARE SET TO BE ONE OF THE HOTTEST IN HISTORY, BUT TEAM
U.S.A. HAS A SECRET WEAPON TO KEEP COOL: AIR-CONDITIONED
JACKETS, THAT CONTAIN A BATTERY-POWERED DEVICE PLACED ON
THE BACK OF THE JACKET, BLASTING THE WEARER'S NECK WITH COLD AIR
IN A SIMILAR WAY TO HOW COMPUTERS ARE KEPT COOL. JUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO KNOCK
YOUR COFFEE ONTO YOUR OLYMPIAN OR YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY A WHOLE
NEW ATHLETE, AND THE COMPANY WILL NOT PAY FOR IT. THE I.T. GUY JUST SENT OUT AN
EMAIL ABOUT THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, VAN LEEUWEN AND KRAFT ARE DEBUTING A MAC AND
CHEESE-FLAVORED ICE CREAM. OKAY. FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M IN THE ICE CREAM BIZ. OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I WILL NOT BE OUTDONE! WHAT THE HELL, SINCE CLEARLY
NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE, BEN AND
JERRY'S AND I ARE TEAMING UP WITH HUNGRY MAN TO CREATE
"AMERICONE DINNERS." PREMIUM ICE CREAM THAT TASTES
LIKE THINGS THAT YOU DON'T WANT IN YOUR ICE CREAM. WITH FLAVORS LIKE HOMESTYLE MINT
CHOCOLATE MEATLOAF, AND BONELESS HAM-STACHIO. THE KRAFT-VAN LEEUWEN FLAVOR
MERGER WAS ANNOUNCED VIA INSTAGRAM, WITH A PICTURE OF THE
ICE CREAM WITH THE CAPTION: "IT'S HAPPENING." WHICH IS ALSO WHAT YOU'LL SHOUT
WHILE RUNNING TO THE BATHROOM MOMENTS AFTER EATING THIS ICE
CREAM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: COME ON, VAN LEEUWEN. MEANWHILE, IN SUBTERRANEAN
RECREATION NEWS, A MICHIGAN MAN FOUND 160 BOWLING BALLS UNDER
HIS HOME. OH MY GOD! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? HIS HOUSE IS BUILT ON AN ANCIENT
BOWLING BALL BURIAL GROUND! GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE YOU'RE
POSSESSED BY THE GHOST OF THE SHOE RENTAL GUY! ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, POPEYES' CHICKEN SANDWICH IS SO POPULAR, IT'S
ADDING NUGGETS TO THE MENU. WAIT, WAIT, POPEYES CHICKEN DID
NOT ALREADY HAVE CHICKEN NUGGETS? NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THE
BURGER KING ISN'T ACTUALLY ROYALTY--
WHAT?! A HEAD THAT BIG HAS TO BE FROM
CENTURIES OF INBREEDING! ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, OVER IN EUROPE, AN ITALIAN ARTIST SOLD AN INVISIBLE
SCULPTURE FOR $18,000. WHICH... I... BOUGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PROVE I DIDN'T! I TELL YOU WHAT, I DON'T WANT
THIS TO BLOCK THE CAMERA, SO I'LL MOVE THIS OVER HERE NEXT TO
MY GOOD FRIEND FRODO BAGGINS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, THERE MAY BE A PROBLEM WITH MY NEW PURCHASE. APPARENTLY, ANOTHER ARTIST IS
"THREATENING TO SUE THE ARTIST WHOSE INVISIBLE SCULPTURE SOLD
FOR $18,000, SAYING HE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FIRST." WAIT, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY
BRAND NEW, $18,000 INVISIBLE SCULPTURE MIGHT BE A FAKE? APPARENTLY, ARTIST "TOM MILLER
SAYS HE MADE AN INVISIBLE SCULPTURE IN 2016, AND HE IS
DEMANDING VISIBILITY." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY? REALLY? DEMANDING VISIBILITY FOR YOUR
INVISIBLE SCULPTURE? CLEARLY YOU DON'T GET IT, OKAY? THE WHOLE POINT OF THE PIECE IS
CREATING A DIALOGUE BETWEEN PHYSICAL SPACE AND NONEXISTENCE
THAT SPEAKS TO A PRIMORDIAL NEED WITHIN THE ARTIST TO "GET CASH." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOTH THOSE GUYS LOOK LIKE A LOT
OF FUN. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "17 MILLION GALLONS OF SEWAGE WERE DUMPED INTO SANTA
MONICA BAY," AND AS OF THIS WEEK, "BEACHES FROM EL SEGUNDO
TO THE DOCKWEILER R.V. PARK WERE CLOSED FOR SWIMMING." TOO BAD. I KNOW WHEN I WANT TO SWIM IN
PURE, TOXIN-FREE WATERS, I ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE NEAREST R.V. PARK. ( LAUGHTER )
OFFICIALS SAY THE SPILL WAS DUE TO A NEARBY PROCESSING FACILITY
TRIGGERING "AN EMERGENCY DUMP." ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, I'M GUESSING, WHAT'S TRIGGERED BY KRAFT MAC AND
CHEESE ICE CREAM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BEING UNFAIR. >> Jon: I LIKE THAT! >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT,
JON? I AM BEING UNFAIR. AFTER MAKING SO MUCH FUN OF THIS
ICE CREAM, LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL. ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S THE ACTUAL ICE CREAM. THERE WE GO. THERE WE GO. GIVE IT A SHAKE. GIVE IT A SHAKE. IT'S HAPPENING! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH
JACKMAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
