♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
"WELCOME BACK! WON'T YOU SAY HELLO TO JON
BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT THE? >> Jon: WOOO! >> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT? >> Jon: WOOO! OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU ALL RIGHT? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU-- YOU-- SAVE SOME ENERGY FOR THIS WEEKEND. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PERFORMING IT'S IN THE "WELCOME BACK NEW YORK" CONCERT. WHAT'S IT CALLED AGAIN? WHAT'S IT CALLED? IT'S THIS SATURDAY IN CENTRAL
PARK. IT'S A PLETHORA OF MUSICAL STARS
OUT THERE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO
DO-- I WILL BE THERE BY THE WAY. I WILL BE THERE AND I WILL SEE
YOU. >> Jon: I HEARD YOU MIGHT BE
SINGING A SONG. >> Stephen: WHAT? >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen:
♪ MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME ♪ >> Jon: YEAH, COME ON! >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHAT SONG I MIGHT BE SINGING? BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. >> Jon: WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
THERE AND WE'LL FIND OUT TOGETHER. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
A DEAL. THAT'S A DEAL. YOU AND I WILL IMPROVISE. WE'LL SCAT. OKAY. FOLKS, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO
STICK AROUND A LITTLE BIT LATER, BECAUSE AMERICA'S BRITISH
SWEETHEART, DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS HERE. HE'S GOING TO BE RIGHT THERE,
RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ALWAYS-- ALWAYS A DELIGHT. ALWAYS A DELIGHT. >> Stephen: AND, YOU KNOW,
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE, CAREFULLY HARVESTING
THE HIGHEST-QUALITY ORGANIC ACAI NEWS BERRIES, PUTTING THEM INTO
MY CURRENT EVENTS BLENDER, THEN PULSING ON HIGH UNTIL THEY'VE
BECOME A SMOOTH PURPLE PUREE OF STORIES TO BE PILED WITH
GRANOLA, CHIA SEEDS, AND SLICED JOKE BANANAS, TO MAKE THE
HIGH-PRICED, ARTISANAL SMOOTHIE BOWL OF NEWS THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES
FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER SOME EXPIRED KALE FROM
THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE, MIX IT WITH THE FERMENTING ORANGE
SLICES LEFT IN THE BACK SEAT AFTER LAST WEEK'S LITTLE LEAGUE
GAME, AND AN APPLE CORE I FOUND INSIDE A COFFEE CUP, THEN
PULVERIZE IT ALL IN A LEAKY NUTRI-BULLET TO MAKE THE PRISON
TOILET GREEN JUICE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
A GIFT. A GIFT FROM THE LORD IS WHAT
THIS IS. MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND
THAT, UNLIKE ANIMALS LIKE DOGS, "CATS PREFER TO GET FREE MEALS
OVER WORKING FOR THEIR FOOD." WAIT! DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT AN
ANIMAL THAT SLEEPS 23 HOURS AND 56 MINUTES A DAY WOULD RATHER
NOT WORK? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
RESEARCHERS CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION AFTER THEY PRESENTED
FELINES WITH AN EASILY ACCESSIBLE TRAY OF FOOD AND A
SIMPLE-TO-SOLVE FOOD PUZZLE, AND MOST OF THE CATS OPTED FOR THE
TRAY. WHILE THE REST OF THE CATS OPTED
FOR THEIR BUTT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, IN ROYAL CONFECTION NEWS, A SLICE OF CHARLES AND
DIANA'S 1981 WEDDING CAKE HAS SOLD AT AUCTION FOR OVER $2,500. NOW, THAT'S A HEFTY PRICE TAG,
BUT THERE IS NO BETTER GIFT IF YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL
SOMEONE, "THIS IS ALL A SHAM, AND I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
ELSE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, CONTRARY TO CONVENTIONAL
WISDOM, METABOLISM DOESN'T SLOW DOWN IN MIDDLE AGE. HOWEVER, ACCORDING TO FIELD
RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY A RENOWNED MIDDLE-AGED TALK SHOW HOST,
"YES IT DOES." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪
MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD COMBO NEWS, DOLLY PARTON IS SET TO RELEASE
HER FIRST NOVEL WITH BESTSELLING AUTHOR JAMES PATTERSON--
HOPEFULLY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THEIR ALBUM OF DUETS:
"ONLY ONE OF US CAN SING." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, IHOP IS ADDING ALCOHOL TO THE MENU. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ). >> Jon: OH, NO. >> Stephen: OH, YOU APPLAUD
NOW. BUT WAIT UNTIL IT'S COMBINED
WITH THEIR NEW BREAKFAST SPECIAL,
THE ROOKY TOOKY SLOSHED AND PUKEY. STILL SOUNDS GOOD. THERE ARE NO BAD PANCAKES. MEANWHILE, IN MEMORY IMPROVEMENT
NEWS, FECAL TRANSPLANTS MAY REVERSE BRAIN AGING IN MICE. UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE MICE WILL
NOW ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THEY GOT A FECAL TRANSPLANT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, EARLIER THIS WEEK, A TRUCK CARRYING JACK DANIEL'S
BOTTLES CRASHED IN COLUMBUS, OHIO. FIRST RESPONDERS RUSHED TO THE
SCENE WITH BITTERS, ORANGE PEELS, AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE STATE'S DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION
SAID THE BOTTLES WERE EMPTY AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH. AND THE DRIVER ADDED, "YES... THEY WERE ALL EMPTY BEFORE THE
TRASH..." MEANWHILE, APPARENTLY THERE ARE
A "'HORRIFYING' NUMBER OF SYPHILIS INFECTIONS IN ALBERTA." WHAT IS "UP," ALBERTA?! AND WATCH OUT, SASKATCHEWAN. YOU KEEP RUBBING UP AGAINST
THAT, AND YOU MIGHT GET AN INFECTION IN YOUR REGINA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRAIRIE POX MAY BE RUNNING RAMPANT BECAUSE
OF "THE POPULARITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA APPS BEING USED FOR
DATING," AND "PEOPLE MAY ALSO BE TAKING FEWER PRECAUTIONS AND
USING CONDOMS LESS FREQUENTLY." THIS, DESPITE CANADA'S
NATIONWIDE SEXUAL HEALTH CAMPAIGN: "MANSLUT THE MOOSE
SAYS: PUT A TOQUE ON YOUR HOCKEY STICK, EH?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANIEL
RADCLIFFE. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
Stickying this thread.
Please engage civilly below.
Hooray! We're popular! (V) ;,,; (V)
This is embarrassing but hilarious at the same time
We... need to get a handle on syphilis. We're at the "highest rates we've seen since the 1940s." Which is horrifying. Also, did you know that 15% of cases in Alberta occur in pregnant women? And congenital syphilis is terrible: leading to 40% of babies with the disease being stillborn.
The provincial government has a webpage on it.
"Prairie pox" lol
Who remembers the “PlentyOfSyph” website from like 10 years ago that they used to draw awareness to this?
I was told that Banff was the national distribution center of STDs -_-!!!
Let’s be positive about this, we could become historically famous for being the place that was home to the first syphilis/COVID hybrid!
Dibs on being Manslut the Moose for Halloween