Theo Von Funniest Podcast Moments: Chapter 3

young yang monkeys what's up you'll get that title Bello where's your glasses at which one what your glasses no hell no oh really oh dude it might see advances yeah my mind always put you with you who you with glasses are we rolling oh oh you're over bro I've never you never glasses off never really seeing glasses dude I swear to God every time I ever think about you man sometimes um I think about you with glasses on there huh because it's how you come across to people in their imaginations with glasses I guess like reading brothers yeah how about that when I get off stage at the Laugh Factory right away you go bro I figure out what you look like I'm like why this front a bunch of the comics I'm like what you're like you look like a Rottweiler we got a [ __ ] got that mic so you do man that's their belt son you look here we go to the strap maybe come get it who wants it huh you know I had that I think I had a little bit of that poor white anger you know the same type of just you know nobody gives a [ __ ] about poor white people in America it seems like you know except for poor white people so you know I had a little bit of that angst you know I knew do I mean you're not grew up around some [ __ ] real crazy poor white people you know - dude know all that a dude in our town no arms used to [ __ ] fight everybody you know that dude you know I'm saying he gets in that lurch he would catch it with his between his chin and his chest [ __ ] a snacky like a snake we were talking about this dude that his boy Gert was his name I mean he would just get you like that right choke you down he had nor no armas at all and he fight anybody dude and he would choke you he would so if you went the punch from Howard he blocked Oh bro he's spin out of it it's Spani duck he dodged the dude had [ __ ] I mean he just I would catch your hand with his neck huh will he catch you oh you just alert at you and bro do you think is your was it oh you know what if he hits you with that shoulder you're going down yeah part of it was that choke he would get he would catch you like this where would he catch you your hand your net he would catch you next to net that's [ __ ] great once he got you neck to neck Gert you but this whole family the whole family was [ __ ] you choke you out psychos brother it's sharpened half of his teeth on one side of his mouth dude if it would [ __ ] you up one of the kids was in a wheelchair just they never taught him to walk I think I don't even think he was crippled that has never taught him to walk and so the other brother would carry him on his back everywhere like a backpack dude and didn't even give a [ __ ] maybe it's good these people are away from society an entire family no shirts bruh oh my family zero shows no but those people don't waste Church not the girl didn't have shirt either that one girl on the family what was her name Jessica she was normal she was you know she was pretty nice too I thought she was a sweet girl for as tough as you know with everything that going on down there and they used to put a board over the sink at night and when I would sleep over the sinks they had 11 children I mean a little I mean the house or no joke was to two of these studios you know that 11 kids in there but yeah it's like I grew up in that type of environment it's just like I don't know you don't feel like anybody gives a [ __ ] about you so I think a lot of it took a long time for that some of that to get out of my system I still feel it when I go around like really rich people who think that they know everything man that stuff makes you mad it was funny I was telling me that this morning I woke up and when I slept so much yesterday and last night I [ __ ] slept hard I woke up like a [ __ ] 4:30 in the morning why the way yeah and the [ __ ] killed my head kickboxing at nine I did my usual [ __ ] I will over my audition on the sides and I wrote I wrote my stuff for the day and then I won I [ __ ] around there what a messenger I give a go on facebook Messenger mm-hmm I want a messenger just to see cuz sometimes you messages accumulate yeah yeah you get some in there I got a message this morning it was like the weirdest thing it was like fate I was telling Lee when I came to hang a week well you let in the green room with me all weekend I linger there I go away I got an email today from a couple yeah went to the Facebook page I didn't even add something back but the first one was you're a sham like a scam whatever that word is a farce of Forrest's or something mm-hmm we went to see you Friday night we could visibly tell that you were on cocain now oh my god there was Jeannie there were like drug geniuses they had to be Rogan people when I went back to their page that ten pictures of rogue give me lassi Rogan like an eight places they don't want to know his ass rogue you've annoying questions on the wrong way yeah and we're all gonna look at it like are you [ __ ] crazy la la there's no better luck than reading meters you're that lawyer you [ __ ] crazy they just say stupid [ __ ] to Rogan to seem intellectual and there's two hundred people behind you got chitchat let's go take out I could take the big didn't take a [ __ ] I yeah so you could tell he's one of those guys that he'll see Rogan and right away call me a farce that I was obviously on cocaine that there was no way that I was clean that my energy levels on stage were too high for my age for me to be on cocaine he said but I knew how to hide it you weren't sniffling or wiping your nose you do a lot of coke this just dripping on your [ __ ] ology yeah that's the first time I could I could look at somebody now now I could really see oh yeah then when I was under the influence I couldn't see it now I can really see it everybody my buddy this one dude used to put his he would start to get a little do a little dust you know but start touching his [ __ ] brought by the end of the night if we had a couple of bags he'd have four fingers in his [ __ ] ass dude he had like uh you know that some of those people eat their hair you see those videos where people eat their hair you know he just had like a weird tick like that where he would just I don't know what it was he just like went under the pants he'd go in the pants Oh in his in his own ass oh my god yeah I had a guy that used to do this he would hold up it like he would be talking with there you go another guy that will he get cooked up he was born so he always felt like something was landing on his head so every eight minutes he would say - and he would look at point to his head to tell you this because there a bug do you see it like tight for you like you want you to be an investigator for him yeah like what I really think I'm my head let me know it's like those people tell you nose is clean I have anything on my nose yeah he would look at me I get the same though he would spit let's say you started snot at 11 with me yeah by 1:30 that would start he wouldn't get paranoid he wouldn't drive me crazy when you say a lot of [ __ ] he would just tell me to hit a spider on his head after 2 or 3 hours he would set smackers and that's when you'd [ __ ] dial after his own be honest Joey after like the first couple of times he asked you would you just felt like looking above his head just like I think there's some money for all I taught you every day is that bad here [ __ ] that Mound dude red though yeah but that's just too much there's something too much going on in there not now that Mamadou red to me it was just it was just toxic yeah it was like it's pure red there's too much red dye that's why so 7up cherry was perfect is it far you tell they can go over the top yeah it was just a little pee was almost a week yeah that cherry 7up brought all the mound do Reds trouble bro yeah see look at that guy's in a garage he's dying all they see they dye their hair with that [ __ ] it's so strong see that yeah I'm not trying to [ __ ] with that yeah what do you think that doesn't get that kid he's Irish now yeah oh god she's been drinking yeah he had it all dude yeah that can't be good free that can't be good for your dick that little kid leaves sugar in your stomach if you're drinking a bunch of that you're probably Mountain Dew white but now do nice and cold is delicious so does terrible for you but if I'm gonna drink one Mountain Dew Mountain Dew is nice it's so much sugar though oh it's so bad for you but if you're gonna [ __ ] with it you know I used to like as a kid but I felt like I felt like a pure [ __ ] when I drink around my friends I'm get done from the court playing basketball I'd be around all my black friends I drink a fresca really I drink a fresco and my friends would judge the [ __ ] out of me fresco was like the last soda you could drink is a grandparent yeah right before you just have water I have my pinky up like this [ __ ] rat is a fresca their freshman ice-cold but my friends enjoy [ __ ] adults dude you're drinking Fresquez but what else are you doing man who'd fresca myself a nice grilled cheese oh my gosh you sound like a six-year-old a ver drink the grit the freshest grapefruit fresca yeah you sound like a lonely dude on a picnic brah no I know are people still molesting kids dude I swear to god we were like it's going down yeah you know more white vans and [ __ ] right you have vans are out they don't make vans anymore yeah those sprinters but that's for celebrities yeah yeah that's it but there's no like murdering bands anymore yeah I don't think there's any cuz I don't even hear like a lot of my buddies have kids and none of them have said that their kids have gotten you know it's not as crazy it's not as well as it used to be no well cuz now like the word is out if you're on a white van it's like you might as well just write on the side I [ __ ] kid yeah just out you know saying it's like I'm all saying I don't [ __ ] with them I don't [ __ ] with van out or the or the Easter Bunny's yeah you ah yeah I mean I answered was like a sixth up people were always like acid was more popular on young you know for six dollars you might [ __ ] die brah you know I'm saying you don't know what was gonna have what acid that's what I loved about it was like for sick and people are always complain like this acids no good like if it's six [ __ ] bucks bro it was three bucks yeah you're lucky not dead you're lucky you're not dead do we had this boy berry shirts and he would uh this dude he took a hit too hard or had a boat he might have taken like 10 or 20 hits one time and he would start to keep my extra shirt with him right and change his shirt when he was tripping and then eventually it was like two shirts and in a bag two shirts three shirts he was a sweat oh just snow not even sweating just switching shirts Bryce you'd be hanging out with them he'd leave the room and he would come back in a different shirt and so then if you were on acid with him and you didn't know he did that [ __ ] you didn't know he just had this kind of little psychosis thing he was going through he's just switching shirts just [ __ ] so then every 40 minutes he'd have on a different colored shirt so if you were a new person you didn't know you'd be like what the [ __ ] man you think you were tripping even harder do we had tied over bad acid we come through town and like everybody would start acting a certain way people would start you know I remember one time people wore like a bunch of like kind of you know Grateful Dead type of stuff people were vests they'd have like a bad batch of ass it'll come to next you know half the town's one [ __ ] vests you know women are gelling their hair down I remember one time dude they had this one dude at this party and he'd apparently had taken a much I asked that he put it in his mouth and firm you know four bucks whatever he would like spit into your mouth like a hit of acid why would you do something like that that's disgust but there wasn't anything else to do so somebody let some [ __ ] stranger spit acid in my mouth yeah for four bucks I can put the acid in my mouth for free but we didn't have it oh you didn't have the four bucks we have the four bucks wouldn't have the acid he had it inside of his system and for four bucks her in his you know he put it in his mouth and there for 4 bucks he'd [ __ ] fired into you so next thing you know bro we spend about thirty-six dollars we're fired up dude at this dude's party this dude I'll tell you this dude I see Mike right so this dude used to get ice from anywhere like he would get water and yet like a nice freezer as family have one of those you ever go downstairs in like some people's house and they keep meeting like a extra freezer like they don't want you stealing their meats they put it in like a special freezer down in the basement or the freezer has like a flattop it's like a door on the top and you open it like that and the whole thing's a freezer there's no refrigerator you know I'm talking about like a big freezer yeah yes so these people had uh you know dis dude I see Mike would get water from different places you know [ __ ] NIT local water fancy Lake Mead Lake Pontchartrain Mississippi River and freeze it and then people come over and eat the ice in the summer we go over there and eat ice he died he had water from everywhere he had water from Ireland France Lake Powell you know I'm saying so we go by I see Mike's in [ __ ] have a piece of ice he break you off a [ __ ] chunk ice everybody's sitting having ice from other places you know it was kind of are you sure this wasn't he just didn't write it on the bottle like it was all from his faucet oh no you could taste it was from different places man somewhere it was brackish some of the [ __ ] was [ __ ] you know ice Lance somebody I see might get the [ __ ] water from different places man with himself Oh maybe his family when I think his dad doesn't kind of travel and work he brought back gallons of [ __ ] water have you lost your goddamn mind I'm telling you there's no other way I've got tricked nah there's no way he could have gotten these flavors in this one no [ __ ] flavors that they did this they did they remember one pet in talent did a show called [ __ ] yeah twenty ten years ago in this [ __ ] town in Beverly Hills there was a water bar mm-hmm we these idiot 20 then with you they would drink fresh let's go to the city pick up a 24-foot at all we're gonna sit back two six-packs will bring up the [ __ ] I can't have any fun anymore I remember yeah the first time I went dude he was eating I remember a couple of lesbians brought me back to their apartment you know and I ended up stealing a sex toy out of there because I got a little bit keyed up on some cocaine and got nervous but you could have fun no you sniffing or jerk off is that way oh the sex thought you were here I went everything so I used to steal chick pea no bra I would sing a song every time on the way home I jerk off in a peasant crow [ __ ] car like this girl and I was so drunk Ross she was driving us and had a puke so bad I just took my hat off my head filled it just vomited right into it just through a window just kept talking to another time this do my buddy Billy conforto rest in peace bright died he drove a nuna embankment but he um he used to do pills and everything and we were Busboys together we're Kobus sports even though he was about 35 or 40 you know he looked like don flamenco you know that is from Mike Tyson's punch-out the little Italian guy and he's like he looked like that guy but without the Rose isn't about an extra 20 pounds and he's also almost sexual but he uh he gave me some pills you know gave me some sohma's one night or something I think try to maybe take advantage of me I don't remember that's a good thing about pills is you know I'm saying if you did get molested you don't really have to remember it but I remember uh this girl this hot chick that I knew was at this bar we ended up at and I was like I need a ride home I mean I was i sat in my passenger seat she drove us home while she's driving I've vomited all over right and the only thing I remember is we made plans to go to church the next morning so in the morning I come out of my house have no clue how I got home open the car door and there's vomit everywhere except like in the shape of this woman right on the on the front car seat and I went over to church and she was there and she looked at me like I was the devil himself man you booked on this poor girl yeah she's a sweet girl too man and she has children now cuz I seen on Instagram she have some children you still follow me I still kind of people [ __ ] sometime there but I miss old a man I miss doing acid I miss you miss doing drug do you did I like seeing rare things man they used to have I remember they had somebody called in our podcast and they said they'd never seen a black little person before I like a black [ __ ] yeah and they had one in our town dude and he had these dreads right this dude named uh no Dante right no Dante yeah and he had these dreads bro and they were he they were so long he would [ __ ] trip over him when he was running bro but he was a [ __ ] G dude yeah and he would play basketball but he would like he would kind of cheat a little bit cuz it was almost like sauce sometimes you'd almost catch him playing soccer but he was so fast you could barely see it Thank You kiddie with his feet but since he was sure you'd let it slide yeah you'd let it slide now where I come from we really no no no I can't have that yeah man people I think he was like I'm town mascot people loved him and I don't know I love how you take calls on your show you just take off how do you feel tabs oh I assumed there's not too many people calling like talking [ __ ] like you're not getting trolls and stuff no we had a guy thought people have difference of opinion we get some stuff talking stuff your friends opinions fine but it's no one's even come back you're the worst comic ever you [ __ ] suck you hack and then hang up or anything I don't know I haven't I haven't got much of that you're gonna get a lot of people crying jerking off we've got a couple of dudes [ __ ] and know even boy smells yeah I have to do it I'll do the voicemails yeah people leave voicemails and then we play them back oh that's super smart yeah cuz some of these [ __ ] mooks you can't have them just running no I figured you had a producers control it like all right caller seven we got we got Jamie and doubts Jamie what do you got for the 300 ton of coke and grew up mole around you starting to act a lot like you and are we gonna make it you know yeah you're gonna make it at least two years in a row baby yeah you got at least two years in yeah I guess it's something like that man yeah it's just people just juror it's a lot of dudes that are just addicted to jerking off mostly and just struggling struggling with jerking off all the time bro that stuff's killing people I think well your boy they do it you guys do your golf Ken of course man Wow Jin looks like a sinker really he does you really I could never picture an Asian guy doing it when I picture to my head it's always a white guy doing it yeah I gotta be honest me too it's usually a white dude in a corner just in shame over just like know what like you thought what that's when I picture dude my mom caught me when I was young she opened when I was jerking off right fool like I was having a party bro yeah oh I planned it brother had an alarm you know what are you drinking often oh just just the pure imagination bro dude that's weak your imagination no this is beckon imagination was good bro yeah I had all the fill of the drug yeah oz Lo and I had all the filters on my brain and I was jerking off to I pictured you as a kid with a mullet and you got you kind of you looked a little bit like Joe Dirt and you got like real short cutoff jeans your dicks hanging out the front and you got this mullet and you're like dirty I just got your socks on and you just jacking off to like tool or something well my that's how I pizza first of all thank you that's kind of the coolest things I've heard of dude I would jump up and down and jerk off on my bed my thing was to jump to jerk off and also be jumping on the bed at the same time trampoline because it would get your butt blocked blood going in your body and then you spray outs are there oh wow that makes sense oh dude you could [ __ ] I mean you could put a [ __ ] you could put a silk mustache on a plant you know plant oh wants to drop side pocket boy you could put that [ __ ] you could throw a you know a beautiful little you know a little uh just a white word Kurt and you could drop that [ __ ] mustache on a plant from about 11 feet away was there any but I didn't porn as a kid I didn't have magazines I'm at a cover of this female rapper and Mercedes she was bent over like a Cadillac I got that on yeah yeah but you were with you jack on when you were young I mean I remember if I saw like when I rode my buddy's mom had a brassiere one time that she would leave hanging in the bathroom not just going there to the Brazil Oh bro I would tie it around my [ __ ] face so that each cup like come over like right and weird love a little bit of nose but the nostrils were covered so just the middle all this this just that main Saachi the kill and Versace should we protect your nose taint what is this thing that little part your septum no it's your name isn't it a little guy a little bit you'd cover up so you can almost restrict your breathing Oh bro so I had a brief solely through these [ __ ] just these straight up titty heels yeah oh that's what used to like this [ __ ] milk holsters broca's smell the milk I could smell the skin I can smell the nipple I could smell the children I could smell all the years and my buddy growing at all dude straight at my head maybe and I do it I would jerk when I was Sun when I was young when I'd masturbate I'd pass out almost like that movie butterfly effect yeah go back in time did he do that from jerking off no he gets a bloody nose and does it dude imagine if every time you do it you went back yes so all these dudes just keep showing up there's yes imagine we went back to what you were thinking about man it was so much more powerful then now it's just like yeah it's cuz it's overrated you joined the 10,000 club you know I'm saying yeah like those guys who hit 10,000 homeruns do you think they give a [ __ ] bout homeruns anymore probably not I'll get sold yeah a lot you talk about life now yeah like breathing no Cal Ripken now my dick yeah you count Edwin jacking off yeah it's too much but it's a lot for kids man but yeah we went to that swingers thing and we that elevator opened up and I just remember seeing just this whole you know it was almost like it was like you know that painting that Michelangelo did were those two people are naked touching each other in the air whatever scene yeah sixteenth chapel it was like that but it was like just a bunch of just people just just guts and everything was a titty like everything in there look like at it smelled like Mountain Dew read yeah it definitely had that [ __ ] dick after scent Fritos up front and [ __ ] [ __ ] in the bag dude I would through us at hide and go sniff dude you think you're getting one thing and you get another you know I want that I went to a swingers party on accident in Denver's below we're we're parted up top went below it said do not enter me my friends like now kid who's like bumping down there so we went down there and we realized there's swings probably cuz that a sign on it we had like rules but it was like I'd say the ratios ten to one dudes he got into girls not good not good know what like the the seven girls that were there in the seventy dudes I just felt bad for him yeah girl let's get out of here thank you tell their morale was not hot yeah her self-esteem was not booming well that's why you got to have like a robert e lee type of guy in there you got to have a straight-up william wallace running up and down the I invade them yeah to motivate these chicks that are at us at a gangbang yeah yeah yeah I keep the morale high because if reality hits ago what the [ __ ] am i doing you don't need that yeah you need to be passing out DSW you got Tony Robbins dick game going I need that do dropping knowledge at girls women joking you can do this yeah man women who put up with a lot dude you know they're putting up with a lot out there so well guys just a bus that not at those swinger things man really well yeah you're waiting in line and [ __ ] like you're waiting for a ride or some [ __ ] you know like you like uber for your dick really I think yeah you gotta wait man there's gonna be some other dudes dropping some gifts off before you get in there man before it's your turn to get your five minutes of fame what kind of shoes do you wear I would wear those pool shoes I think you know like this crime up aqua Sox dude nothing nothing makes a girl look dry up fast and hot with sauce terrible idea bro I might wear Uggs in that [ __ ] ha ha I wish some always keep my feet warm I easy 7:54 yeah I can make it Boston nut dude I'd have to get my butt waxed I think bro that's my thing like I have so much hair my butt like I walk if I'm hooking up with a chick I'll walk out of the room back which is good smell but it's that bad it just makes it I'm self-conscious about it you know why don't you uh Brazil wax it I'm just scared of that man I met a girl and she waxes people's balls - yeah they called it V and B button balls oh it's actually the most common practice for men is it I used to date a girl who specialized in that and she she was like man 60% of my clients are men because they do the B&B you want to come in I'm like what is it she was balls in but they literally do all that the taint then your booty hole III had a girl try it once on the inside my thigh hmm never again hurt I'd rather get a tattoo on my [ __ ] face oh it hurts so bad I'd rather get that [ __ ] Nate stamp if you if you ever hear you ass like if I could braid your ass yeah oh you should probably get it removed you couldn't Brady you could gel it down though like it's part it to the side dude I had an uncle in he had so much hair on his neck he would gel it down for the hurts because he didn't want to shave it off cuz it was his hair and it was like a thing against God you jump down the thigh huh oh he jealous whole neck hair down you might want to gel the your you basically had a duck tail hanging out the back I look like [ __ ] man you know but nobody expects anything out of me that's the best thing you don't think you sure what people look you know people ask where's the honey guy you know there's obviously been you think you've been stung by bees do I look blow this it looks like you try to drink honey right out the hi I'm in a bunch of these guys a small [ __ ] blood you're small for sure dude I think so too [ __ ] two hundred bees we're babysitting my face all the time a bunch of bees where do you live that bro in a comb you gotta tighten up bro you're gonna get diabetes dude you gotta tighten up bro you got that beasts enrolled rats the cool masters dinner one know you've no other choice like the one in that Christmas play like that one that's not cool man Nutcracker the ranking oh you look like the leader of the people in Vegas who sleep underground you know there's a community underground you look like they're the voice of the underground I look like I run the underground air B&B did you kind of know you have a belt to make you official Oh let me and you just have this giant [ __ ] rat ever put in the [ __ ] admirers don't pet the playboy that's what I'm gonna make is that on the back don't pet the Playboy dude well the scary part is I start to think is this the best imma look you know you know I'm going downhill me yeah I another year before people like oh [ __ ] shops falling off like a [ __ ] and Callens been falling apart man bless his heart did I saw the other day and man I don't know if they're not I mean I thought he was a ok he just went to an early movie he looked like a senior you know and it was just weird I caught him in a glimpse and was like oh wow if the light hits his face right you're like oh [ __ ] yeah the time to get this guy some jello just don't get this guy of nice warm mask in some cucumber

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 2,476,498

Keywords: theo von, comedy, podcast, theo von funniest podcast moments, stand up, comedian, joey diaz, brendan scahub, the fighter and the kid

Id: ejEYmaToIjo

Length: 28min 46sec (1726 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 28 2018