I first met the person we are talking to today when I was 18 years old right after I did the commercial
"I Love You Piolo." I got a call from TAPE and they asked me to be a guest
in a sitcom where she stars. If you remember as 90's kids and early 2000s, the sitcom "Daddy DiDoDu," she was one of the lead stars there. She played the role of Vic Sotto's kid. I guested in that show and at that time,
she was already popular because she is the daughter of the
great master rapper, Francis Magalona. And that was the very first time I met her. I don't know much yet about the industry
and I was just observing her and she's just really a ball of energy. You know she was enjoying
being on set and then I said, "Look at her." "At a young age, she already had her own sitcom." Your job is so enjoyable and you also make money out of it. I became a regular in Eat Bulaga, so I would always see and be with her. But we never became friends because I felt like
we had a huge age gap. I will find out what our age gap is. I'm fascinated with the stories
that she shares on her Instagram because it speaks so much about life,
transformative journey, and how she's searching for
the real meaning of her existence. And I think, she found her purpose already and it's so beautiful how she shares her story. I hope that her journey can also speak to your hearts. We have, Maxene Magalona-Mananquil. You already have "Mananquil" in your name. Wow! It's quite nice to hear that. About finding your purpose
and your existence in this life. It's something that- It feels like you've grown so much, right? Super. I was reading about what you've been through. You went through a dark phase. Yes. It was right after your dad passed away. Yes. What happened? So, my dad passed away. I was 21 or 22 years old at that time. I didn't realize this back then, but I was unconsciously trying to fill a void
when he passed away. So I turned to partying, drinking alcohol everyday. And I kept using his death as an excuse to do all that. Like you grieve through drinking. That's what people do these days, right?
Or so I thought. So that's what I did and I didn't notice that
I've been doing that for five years already. In the beginning, I kept justifying it by saying
it's because I'm going through a loss. And then, I never imagined myself getting to a point where it had become so unhealthy already. It was a very toxic time in my life where I was just really denying what I was feeling. So, I was running away from all
the uncomfortable feelings. What was the feeling? Feeling of? Feelings of fear, anxiety, depression. In denial. I couldn't accept it. I was pushing it aside. And then, I thought the partying was helping
because it was making me happy. That you're cool? Yes. Because when you're 21-- Exactly. you're in the "cool" phase. "I could do this without my dad." "I'm good. I'm strong." It was like trying to put on this strong, powerful,
I-can-do-anything attitude. We are conditioned not to show our weakness. When we go through something as terrible
as a loss, heartbreak, or something like that, when we admit weakness or pain,
it makes us look or feel weak. And we don't like that. But now, I've been going through my healing journey, I realized that admitting that
you're going through pain, owning it, and embracing it is actually a very strong and courageous thing to do. Running away from it is actually what makes you weak. I didn't know it yet at that time
and I forgave myself for that. So when your dad passed away,
what was the feeling at that time? It was intense. You never really know what you could feel
until it happens to you. It hits you so much that you just want
to forget and disappear. That's why you keep running away from it. My dad was my best friend. I was super close to him. I'm his first born. We were really close. I see so much of myself in him. We had a lot of similar traits. What was a trait you got from your dad? Oh, wow. He was super friendly, and so was I. I want to be able to hold space for everyone. I want to be the friend that you can approach and anything that you want to talk to me about I'm here to listen. Everyone needs a friend like that, no judgment. Dad was like that, he never judged anyone. You could do whatever you want. This is what I like to do. We all have different interests and that's fine. That's what my dad would always say. One of the greatest lessons that he shared with me was he told me that our job shouldn't define us. He said, "Xene..." That's what he called me. "Xene, not because we're TV personalities, we can already assume we're better
than other people." "This is just our job..." "But we are all equal." That's what he said. And I witnessed that with the way he lived and treated the people around him. He wasn't just saying the words, he was actually living that life. That's where I realized all of it. And that was what he was saying about
in Kaleidoscope World, right? So he was very authentic. Authentic. Big part of you is your dad's? Super. That's why it was so hard when he left. Exactly. So my world came crashing down
and I didn't know what to hold on to. Yes. As if saying, "What now?" "Who am I now?" Exactly. So I kept finding myself. I didn't even know I was lost. I was lost but I didn't know I was lost. So imagine how complicated that was. I became "Maxene Magulo-na" or Maxene The Mess. Right? That's how it was. Because when you're at your 20s,
you'll never really know when you're lost. You just feel like you're in a cool phase. Right. But you'll only understand the real deal
when you're in your late 20s. When you're about to turn 30,
you'd look back and see what you've done. Exactly. It's embarrassing, right? And that's when shame creeps in. You said, towards the end of your 20s, you'll know. Some people don't. Right? They just believe that there's nothing wrong. "I am in the right path." They just keep going. It's not their fault. That's just how we learn our lessons. You need that moment in your life
to gain an awakening. That's called rock bottom. When was yours? Oh my gosh. Rock bottom. Oh, wow. I had a lot of rock bottom moments. I'll share one. So one time, I was partying in Boracay. And I was supposed to go home the next day, but we drank more than we could take, until I missed my flight. I was supposed to go to a noontime show
when I return to Manila, but I missed my flight. There was no responsibility anymore. Until I woke up the next day, the police station
in Boracay was calling me saying that my bag is there. I didn't even know. - Why was your bag there?
- I left it in a bar and I went straight to another drinking spot. And they were able to retrieve my bag. So during that time, "Shocks." And to think, I was a celebrity. What if that went to the news? I shared it here, though. But still-- Just so people could know how grave it was. - I was that miserable.
- That lost. Yes. Maxene Magalona. Maxene Goes Downhill. Right? Those were my rock bottom moments. After that, I still didn't stop. I hit the worst part of rock bottom
when I got married and I was projecting negative emotions
towards my husband. I was becoming abusive with my words. Rage. Rage, yes. I didn't know that it was already psychological
and emotional abuse. With your husband? For instance, when he tries to tell me something,
I'd flip easily and I'd be mad. And I'd tell him words I don't mean. Things just went out of hand. Later on, I felt bad about it, then I say sorry to him, and he'll accept my apology. A few days later, I'll have another episode. It turned into a vicious cycle. And then I said, "This isn't right." My most rock bottom was when I started
to punch walls and kick doors. My energy was so dark. It was at its limit. - It was overflowing.
- Your husband is so understanding. He was so patient and he was the one
who really encouraged me to do therapy. But at first, of course, I was in denial because here in our country, when you say therapy, it means there's something wrong with you,
that you're a little crazy. Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes. At that time, I said, "No, no, I don't need it." I keep insisting. And then when I started having adult tantrums- It's really my inner child. Yes. It's my inner child wanting attention. Not getting what you want. And assurance that whatever happened to me
in my childhood, it's not happening again in the present. The reason why I got irritated and I exploded
was because when I get triggered, it reminds me of a trauma in my past. My body was defending itself. We are designed to defend ourselves from threats. Yes. That becomes your defense mechanism? I'd explode, get enraged, and then walk out. It was your husband who suggested to do therapy. Yes. What came out of your therapy? Oh, wow. He told me that I currently have
a mental health condition known as complex post-traumatic
stress disorder or CPTSD. And when I found out, I said, "Wow." I was so thankful when I knew that
because now I can do my research. I wasn't sad when I knew
I had a mental health problem. I was really hesitant to go to therapy at first,
also to a psychiatrist-- Because my therapist was a psychiatrist. I was scared at first because I didn't want
to take any medication. I was heavily hooked on alcohol before and my party lifestyle. So, I didn't want to depend on medications
as much as possible. Knowing also my dad's personality who's addicted, which I also inherited, I did not want to be dependent. Not that I have anything against medications
and people who take medications. I understand that some people really need it
but me personally, if I were to choose, I want to heal as naturally as possible. And that's what I wanted to ask my therapist,
how to do that. So when she told me that I had complex
post traumatic stress disorder, I started reading books about it, to do my research, and started doing all the steps that I could do
to help myself heal. Is there a reason why people turn out that way? Where did you get that? So when I was doing therapy, I was regular for about two months already, was the time when we figured out what
my mental health condition really was so my doctor and I knew the details
and what I've been through. Personally, I don't want to share about the details
because I feel that I don't have to, what I can share is that complex
post-traumatic stress disorder usually begins in childhood. It happens in interpersonal relationships. Meaning? Between people who are closely related. Family? Family, cousins, or workmates. Someone that you spend a lot of time and energy with. That energy can get passed on and could grow
into co-dependent relationships. The different examples of causes of complex post-traumatic stress
disorder are types of abuse. Emotional, psychological, sexual abuse. It could also be neglect. Growing up feeling like you were
not wanted by your parents. Your parents don't give you enough attention. Sometimes, parents tend to just keep working
and give financial support. There's no emotional availability. That's what happens. The kids end up having trauma. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD starts from childhood and it grows with you. That's intense. It's layers upon layers of trauma. And it varies. Other causes of complex post-traumatic stress
disorder is bullying. So when you go to school and there's someone
who keeps bullying you, that would also traumatize the kids. So you had your own share of... I had my own share and also, when I lost my dad. Losing a loved one is also a form of trauma. And then it piles up. Pain after pain. Fear, depression, anxiety, and then I'd explode. It makes so much sense. It really explains so much that's why I'm so grateful to my husband and mother-in-law,
Millet Martinez Mananquil. Hello, mom. She was the one who really gave me
the contact of my therapist. When I found out about that,
that really changed my life. It changed my world. How did it change you? It really made me more mindful, more aware. So for me, if not for this mental health condition,
I wouldn't have gone this deep into my center, my core. I'm so grateful. I got to know myself better. I became more aware, mindful and compassionate. That's what I've been wanting to learn Toni, I've been wanting to learn how to love because I didn't really know how to love. I know how to say it,
to show it through my actions, but to actually love, real genuine love, I only learned it when I started doing my therapy,
yoga, meditation, connecting to God. I feel like, the reason why can’t fully express your love… is because you haven't loved yourself yet. Exactly. So you cannot love another person
if you don't love yourself. You have to come in with your cup full. What's in the cup is yours. What overflows is for you. Yes. Right? It's not being selfish. No. You're nourishing yourself so you can give to others. And the reason why I was jumping
from one relationship to the next, because I was looking for it in external factors. I was looking for it outside of me. But it's not. No. It's inside and it's always been with you. Right? That's why I'm so grateful for my
mental health conditions because it really brought me closer to God. There's nothing else to cling to. He was the only one who really - showed me the way.
- When was that moment? In meditation. He speaks to you? I really hear Him. I hear Him say, "My child..." He talks to me. Me, I choose to meditate on my breath. So I keep connecting to my breath. Breathing. So focused. When thoughts come to distract me,
I go back to my breath. And then one day, while I was meditating,
I was deep into it, I realized that my breath is such a beautiful gift and I used to take it for granted. And now, it sustains me so much. It makes me feel so alive. And then I realized,
"Where does my breath come from?" From God. He's the one who makes me breathe. That's why when I listen to my breath,
I know that I'm listening to Him. It just makes so much sense. What was that one message that you heard from Him when you were meditating? He speaks to me everyday. Like one day, He would tell me, "Use what I gave you." Or like, "You're on the right path." The words just come to me. When I would meditate, and when I finish,
I start praying and talking to Him. It just happened naturally. I really believe that the dark phase
that I went through, the darkest period of my life,
was meant for me to find my light. And my light is my soul. So the dark times in our lives, it's okay. It really helps. You were in Bali for a year. I was in Bali for a year and I really believe God
put me there for a reason. Because? When I was in Bali,
my intention before coming to Bali, I went there with the intention of healing my anxiety, my stress, and my mental health. So when I arrived there on February 29,
eventually in March 15, the lockdown happened. I was in the middle of a yoga teacher training. But I said, "You know what,
this is the perfect opportunity to practice surrender." Because one cause of anxiety, for me personally, is wanting to control everything. Because when you have control, there's a guarantee that everything's okay. We don't want to have problems. That's our ego. Exactly. We shouldn't listen to our ego. Our ego can be a healthy partner or tool. Devil's advocate. Exactly. But we shouldn't be controlled by it. Before I started doing yoga and therapy, before, I used to have negative thoughts. So, it's energy. When you are negative inside, then the universe will keep giving you
the negative energy also. But when I was in alignment with my energy,
really tapping into it, and focusing, that's when the universe
started responding more positively. So what I believe in, God, universe, energy, nature-- I believe in that too because God is nature as well. What I really believe in is kindness. That's what we need. It's like the book we're reading now. I'm in that chapter of this book called, "Untethered Soul" It says there: "You're not really changing." "You are becoming the person you're always meant to be." Exactly. And that's what happened to you. Yes. I feel that it is my calling to use my platform to speak about these things that I've been learning. Because I feel that my journey is also to help others because I feel that everything has a purpose. Before, I'd only post for the sake of posting. Toni, especially when Twitter was at its peak, I tweeted about every little thing that happens to me. Everything, every detail. Because it's excess energy. Energy that wants to be released
but could not be released properly, because I wasn't aware yet. But now that I'm more in tune with my energy, I used to think of it as healing but now, thanks to my friend Anna,
a Filipina-German who is based in Bali, she inspired me to see healing not as a bad thing. I used to think of healing as something that I was doing from a place of shame and brokenness. But then she said to me, "You know what, we were never broken to begin with." "Healing is actually remembering who you really are." "Taking away the layers, shadows, distractions,
veil of ignorance." That's it. Healing is just remembering your soul. Going back to your soul. Meeting your soul again. Exactly. I'm a big advocate of mental health. I really believe we should speak more about it,
more openly. That we should talk about it just like
how we talk about physical health because it's the same. For me, it's even more important because
our body is our tool. Our mind is also our control center. We should look out for that even more. But in our world today, we give so much
more importance to how we look. That's not our fault. It really is like that these days. Some people, they relate more to that. But me, I find that we need to take care
of what's happening underneath the surface. And that's our mental, emotional,
and spiritual well-being. That's when I realized that,
"This is why I'd always have problems." I was too fixated on the external. I was like, "I need to achieve more." You know what, Toni, in showbiz, if you don't get as much jobs as you do before, "I'm losing my fame." You allow it to define you. You allow it to affect you. But really, no. I really believe what's meant for me is meant for me. The blessing that God gives me
is what I'm supposed to get. And I pray about it everyday. I say, "Lord, please bless me with work
that aligns with my values." So when you asked me to be a guest here, I said, "It's amazing." It's meant to be. It's amazing because I really wanted to share
my journey so I can help. That's it. If I could help even just one person,
I'd be very glad already. So that they'd know they're not alone. Where are you now in your healing journey? Are you fully healed? Are you getting there? So right now, I'm at a point in my life where I just choose to hold myself with
compassion and gentleness. No pressure, just go with the flow
knowing that I'm doing my best. Because I am. I know that I'm putting in the work. I understand now the saying,
"God sends His grace where people’s efforts end." That's why I was so lost before,
I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. You know what, while I was listening to you, I'm getting this energy that you're living in gratitude. Yes. Gratitude is really a super power. It's really my foundation. You have a tattoo "Be love". Yes. When did you get that? Before I left for Manila, going back home. Why did you put that tattoo, "Be love"? The phrase "Be love" is how I will learn to be
more loving and compassionate. If I remind myself not just to say
or do acts of love, but to actually be it. And what is love? It is accepting everything. Not judging others. Looking at them with compassion. Being kind to the unkind. They are the ones who needs kindness the most. I wanted to actually be love. That's why I want to be that kind of human
for everyone in the world today.
