Marriage & Dating - Nouman Alikhan Omar Suleiman, Abdul Nasir Jangda

a lot of you aren't married and you'd like to be know and there's a lot of you know look there are families that are very conservative there are families that are not as conservative you come from religious backgrounds some of you don't come from religious backgrounds but the fact that you're here in an audience like this one means that you care about Islam and you you even if you want to get married you'd like to do the right thing right and maybe you're interested in somebody maybe already talking to them maybe they're here with you I don't know you know but you're not married yet so I wanted to actually first of all accept a reality the reality of it is we're not living in righteous times right the Muslims unfortunately are dating they are going out to dinner they are chatting it up late at night whatever it is they're doing and it's it's happening it's become a reality and we have to deal with that reality our religion does not accept something that's wrong and so I can't endorse something that's wrong no we don't have the right because this Deen is bigger than us right we are in submission to Allah's principles but at the same time there are practical this Deen is also practical like it gives it doesn't give people idealistic solutions it gives them realistic solutions there's Dena every step I start study this Deen and any principle in the scene I come away with this Deen is so practical it's so it's it takes into consideration the realistic temptations of people their tendencies their temperaments their situations their difficulties Allah did not send Islam to angels he sent it to you and me he knows who he created and he knows who needs guidance right so if we are if you know there are audience members that are in this circumstance some of you are parents you know your sons and daughters are dating and you don't know what to do about it and how to go about and you're in this strange bind and it's embarrassing to talk about because who do you tell you know that sort of thing or your you know your daughter's insisting that she wants to marry this guy or your son says he wants to marry this girl or something like that and she's not even Muslim you know that happens to or she's ready to accept Islam but the mother says to her except Assam huh you know nobody talks you know they don't know mothers don't talk like that mothers hold a knife behind their back and say no brainer over her over I'll give her the Shahada she'll be a Shaheed can you act that motion oh yeah there is for camera again it was not on the mountains anyway but anyway I what I wanted to ask you guys because you guys are that you know I'm allergic to fish so that's why these two guys are here so like what do you do in situations like this guy wants to marry this girl they've already been talking or whatever going out to dinner and now they want to do the right thing right or they want to get the family involved they want to take good steps well what did they do help them out help that one out over there look you say can you say I'm kidding I'm kidding I don't see you now I do I just got up and left okay well I mean obviously you gotta just talk to people right so you're gonna have to at some point there's this bizarre delusion that a lot of times young people live in that you know like somehow I can just proceed in this manner forward without ever dealing with the situation at hand you are going to have to find a way to end up bringing your parents your family into the situation you're gonna have to sit down and talk to them and one of the things I tell a lot of young people is and I'm gonna get to the parents in a second but I'm just speaking generally outside of any type of abnormality you know mo normal parents like I said earlier in the lecture they love their children more than they you know love life itself so there's there's an there's a it's not so much about what you're saying it's how you say it so storming into your house and kind of saying like hey listen this is what's happening this is who is and this is what's gonna happen there's a way that conversation is going to go and it's not going to go very well and then there's another tone of the conversation where you sit down and you kind of say that look I want to be happy and I want to find the right person along have you wanted to be happy and I want to find the right person and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you or offend you in any way but I really feel like this is the right person for me I want you to help me out here right there's there's there's a chance that there's a chance that that conversation might go a little bit better but that brings me to the other side of what he just demonstrated that there's another reality that your mom might be like knowing on parents are not perfect and that's probably one of the biggest taboos that most have blue things you can say in the Muslim community whether it be America or Singapore right parents are not perfect nobody wants to hear that yeah exactly exactly so it's just a reality and so that's where what I'll tell young people is if you are trying to make things right as you said maybe you did things wrong but now you're trying to make them right or maybe Michelle you're one of those young people who are trying to do things the right way from the very GetGo and your parents are not being they're not perfect and they're not being reasonable then try to find some type of ally right but be careful not to kind of go with your own but try to find some type of ally and I have plenty of personal situations meaning very close family and friends community members students and things like that whose parents were not being reasonable I can say with a hundred percent confidence he's young people they were trying to do things the right way from the vari-epp code they were being right they were becoming correct and the parents were not being reasonable they instead of two completely flying solo they ended up trying to get some type of allies on their side maybe it was an uncle maybe it was a grandparent maybe was a mom of the community maybe who somebody right yeah they did I flew trying to get around the subject like they didn't use me I have I have the most amazing stories I had a mom throwing plates at me I was like dodging plates it was amazing because the moms like okay please tell him he can't marry her and I said well actually I just did there to God I was like I can't I I can't I can't it's completely valid for these two people to get married especially her father you know even from the fifth position that the one of the girl has to be involved her father's completely on board I've spoken to him on the phone he's completely down so he actually can and I even think should marry her and that was she was like I'll be right back she came back with a flame and she just started throwing plates at me to get out of my house I said okay but uh it's you know so that might be the reality where the parents are not being reasonable coach parents aren't always perfect either but in that situation make sure you try to get some type of allies on your side and here comes the little bitter pill for young people if you're not able to get anybody that can see the your logic you can't get anybody to see your side of your solution saying yeah you're probably going things about the wrong way so and and one thing that I would say and I don't know if it's understood yet or not but you don't wait a year to take your parents into confidence on these things either you do it from the get-go you do it from the get-go you don't go get emotionally attached to someone start going about things the wrong way in a hadam fashion in a way that'll loss of them we're now talking about cultural norms now see here's the thing let's face it here that there is no way to know for a fact what type of person you're going to marry until you actually married them is no way and in fact you know psychologically speaking dating will not do you any favors it's not gonna help you know that person more it's going to help that person make a better impression on you not help you know them more because until you live with the person there is no way to completely know them so that's something that is you know the degree of a lost Panama Tata and things happen in this that's true but let's face it collectively as a society are we moving deeper into a marriage crisis or are we getting better because we've loosened restrictions and so on so forth right whether it's the Muslim world or the Western world or what have you because there were certain decency thing the cultural norms from a decency perspective that were in place even in the non-muslim world in the secular world and there is a crisis in every part of the world in this regard so when it comes to the Islamic perspective now we believe that Allah Spano Tata is the Turner of hearts right we understand that Allah sponsors the Turner of hearts don't think that you can disobey Allah subhana WA Ta'ala do things come with the intention that you will write it one day and a loss of hands how is gonna put butter on your relationship you're fooling yourself you're not gonna fool allah subhana wa ta'ala you are fooling yourself now there's a difference between two people and even the Sharia makes a distinction here of two people that started something wrong and they generally make Toba and a lot of left and ambiguous they actually made tobin they actually repented they actually and it wasn't a Toba that was conditional on me marrying this person it was a Toba of like wow I did something Haram a stuff fit Allah let me now go and approach this right it wasn't fine mom dad I'm sorry but I still need to married that person and that's the only way that it's going to happen you have to take them into consideration from the very beginning and when parents are unreasonable I will say this as well you learned this the hard way sometimes very later on much later in your life but your parents are not seasonal the whole world will turn their backs on you before your parents turn your back on their backs on you and you will learn that the hard way right many many times in life with friends sometimes with spouses with whoever made with Messiah with your teachers with your closest friends you will find that other people will be season a lot of times your parents will never be seasonal they won't even parents say I'm not going to talk to you because you've decided to go forth with this they don't really mean it right they're saying that as a threat hoping that you'll realize recognize the situation now when parents are wrong when they're dead wrong and when they're standing in the way of something that is Haddad something that is completely pure something that's been pursued in the right way then at that point there is the option in Islam to override them through a particular process but even then you have to ask yourself if it's worth it even then if you have to ask yourself if it's worth it so I haven't talked questions or both of you have a hard question for both you okay there are people in the audience inshallah they're not but there are people in the OMA that are dating for a long time a year two years three years and the first advice that comes in my head is just get married doesn't matter who says what because you're not you're clearly not going to let each other go you don't I completely disagree that's setting them up that's giving a temporary solution you'll make them happy for now but their relationship is going to fall apart look I I do marriages and divorces up and I mean I've been doing it for ten years personally and most of the time when when we gave in and said okay fine just let them get married they were divorced within three months because they've already gotten past all the rosy part of the relationship what I would say instead is that you have to step back and see and find secret rational advisors like chef chopped announcer said that will let you know if whether or not this is a good idea or not and if it's a good idea and if the if the fundamentals are there and the foundations are there and you can work through and so on so forth then it's better to make it's better for you not to make a long-term mistake something that's going to damage you for the rest of your life just because you made a short-term mistake and it's gonna hurt you to get away from that montano cachet and then learn about the law of Heineman you leave something for a lot of lost pants.i gives you something better than that so look if you've been in a relationship for a very long time and you really feel bad you want to make Toba take a step back ask Allah sincerely for forgiveness then try to approach it rationally seek advice from people whether or not you think this can be a good marriage or not going forward don't try to just take the pill that's going to make you feel good now and let you get married and then everything falls apart because you did not marriage is a rational decision marriages an emotional decision it is supposed to be a rational decision it's not supposed to be an emotional decision so that's the point here you look for compatibility what is the main reason that people fall apart in relationships compatibility correct lack of compatibility you look for compatibility you can't find that if I'm just gonna stop you cassis you can't determine whether or not a person is compatible if the only thing you've seen are roses and nice restaurants and sneaking off into movie theaters and having conversations where half of the conversation is just fluff no it's it's determined yeah when you're when you're in the situation you're basically blinded by your own emotions and what's going on right so what you're saying is like we see this in any situation you bring in a fresh set of eyes you bring in a fresh different outsider's perspective we do we know that in business all the time you bring in a consultant who's not in the company right who can it's not it's not but there are certain human realities right and the human reality about when you are in when you are in an experience when you are experiencing it at that moment you just there there are certain blinders that you have on you're just not being able to see the big picture here's the thing here's why I disagree with both of you and that's I'm totally okay with disagreeing with people I have learned to revel in disagreement I am it is my dessert so how many marriages and divorces have you done Oh go ahead Yvonne Norma I was I knew you when I used to eat the adult meal and used to get the Chuckie Cheese meal [Applause] Happy Meal toy at McDonald's and then you still look at this guy's a child anyway so what was I saying yes I'm saying if there are people that are in and like a religiously not sanctioned relationship that are dating and I specifically mentioned there and involved in this kind of a relationship for years my argument and my problem is that these people are emotionally invested in each other and they have spent quite a bit of time together right or wrong they've already done that my personal problem is why does some other man why should this be some other man's fault that his now wife has emotionally already invested herself in someone else who's not gonna leave her head anytime soon and this is gonna be a problem later later on like they almost almost like they deserve each other at this point like this is my thinking about this problem and maybe they don't get married fine but at least they should be given the option to pursue this if you want to add the rational element to this too they were never as you know black and white how do we agree that it's not black and white it's just by case situation sure this is a case by case situation but this this is that the problem becomes with these families they say well you can marry you anything you want not hurt that's the what well no that's still very much a possibility and yeah I I don't disagree with you there well I think we're talking about two different issues I think that as far as the family's concern the family has to kind of resign themselves to the reality at this point that these two individuals are so emotionally invested into each other that they're gonna be useful useless to any other human being actually they're gonna destroy somebody else's life no-no-no so I think from the family perspective that's fine I think what we're talking about is those two individuals themselves they just have to understand that the premise this amazingly solid foundation that they think that their relationship is built on is actually really flimsy and very superficial that's what we're just saying so maybe you're saying that if they're gonna fail you have to sometimes kind of let people fail to know that they made a mistake how many people actually end up marrying their first crushes or end up marrying the person that they thought was going to be there you know Prince and shining armor and that was going to be there you know how many people end up actually going forth with that marrying that and end up in happy marriages it's a very small portion of humanity not just very turbulent relationships and what happens is one of the things that a loss of Hananiah tries to protect us from with the and I don't even want to call them restrictions because at us Lafitte ashiya any Baja the the basis of all things in Sharia is that it's permissible unless it's proven to be Haram but one of the reasons why I lost ponta directs us in this way is that our interactions before marriage should be in a way that it is as rational as possible that the position that we're taking that there is that when we're deciding to go into this life long commitments the average divorce rate worldwide now is 48 percent in America it's close to 60 percent that is going to happen it's inevitable there was divorce those are skewed because like 50 percent of the population doesn't even believe in marriage anymore it's only 50 percent of people get married and 60 percent of them end up divorced right so the numbers are actually catastrophic and then 30 percent do this in 20 percent going and then 10 percent and then I'm a mimin so it's very natural I was just doing math okay but no so you're talking I understood about 3.2 percent of what you guys I'm just saying the reality is only 30 percent of people in America are married that's it that's so so there's the extreme of which we were taught was ideal Islam which I've heard many times I've heard and I'm sure you've heard this as well parents that will tell their children I married your mom without even seeing her right or something or we did or we or we you know we didn't we didn't even know each other and have the lot worked out but they're miserable and so on right there is a sin enough precedence here the simmer down is very loose term the sender precedence of this is people should people who want to get married should talk to each other not ask each other what your favorite color is or what's your favorite song or you know do you like long walks on the beach too and no but like I actually have serious conversations about compatibility should actually sit down and discuss things with in a controlled environment where their emotions cannot get the best of them and that's the whole purpose of not allowing cops lekawa absolute seclusion because when you're in it that's why I lost pants I it's called a spider's web and I'm kaput right lost panatar describes as the most flimsy of houses when you're in a spiderweb when you're caught you're caught you can't see outside of it it's the most flimsy of homes but a bug that's caught inside of it right is not getting out why because you can't see past its you think that that's your reality and you've resigned yourself to that and it's irresponsible for everyone to say okay fine fine go ahead go ahead go ahead and ruin your life no if it's something that because you're talking about parents that stood in the way of something that was unjustified in doing so that's where the Imam comes in or that's where someone comes in or an ally comes in and says to the parents you need to chill you need to calm down it happens it at least it's a Muslim at least it's someone that you know that at least they pursued each other for the right reasons yes maybe because of the circumstances they they thought it would be an innocent phone call they ended up talking too many times they ended up meeting a few times and so on so forth but there was still some level of contents and let me hold back for the sake of a loss of parent I'm at that point you act as a facilitator at that point you act as a facilitator but it's not black and white and at the end of the day we need to understand that when we go through a relationship after relationship after relationship up we're killing our own ability to have meaningful relationships Allah does not want that force it's not healthy for us to go through relationship after relationship after relationship and be broken down over and over and over again to where when we go into our seventh eighth relationship and say this is the one we already are questioning and we're already you know we're already we already have this sense of paranoia that there's no way that it's going to work out we've already lost our own capacity to love so try to pursue things as right as you 10 and then when people stand in the way in a wrong fashion that's when you resort to those other protocols now if you are what what with the reality if you've been in a relationship for a very long time the first thing you need to do is what the first thing you need to do is disengage Tovah you need to ask Allah for forgiveness the first party you should be concerned with in anything that happens in your life as a Muslim as a believer is what is Allah think about this what have I done to offend Allah subhana WA Ta'ala the first thing you need to do is seek forgiveness seek forgiveness sincerely from a loss of I know it's odd no matter what the outcome of the situation is as tough you know why I've messed up oh allah guide me to what's best for me I've messed up because then you you bring back the battle Koval lost somehow no it's out of the earshot that guidance from a loss of Hanoi Tejada in your direction in life but when you take that out of the equation then it's always gonna be you know you're all it's it's always gonna be risky no matter what but you make it so much more risky and you're still not going to pursue a path of Boudica I'm going to conclude this session with a DA that Allah allows all of the young people here and the all the unmarried here the blessing of a good you know permissible and sustained and healthy and nurturing and happy marriage and I pray that allah azzawajal gives you know the parents happiness with them in the marriage of their children and the children happiness in the marriage to each other and love provides them with rice righteous children that can carry the flag of Assam in the future in sha allah who tada

Channel: Al-Ikhlas LA

Views: 320,146

Rating: 4.9644237 out of 5

Keywords: al-ikhlas, alikhlasla, alihlasla, imfo LA, pengajian los angeles, Nouman Ali Khan, Omar Suleiman, Abdul Nasir Jangda, imfo los angeles, marriage, dating

Id: WaZB7sgjoiE

Length: 23min 17sec (1397 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 31 2018