Watch Before You Get Married

[Music] [Music] from amongst us there are three types of people when it comes to marriage those who are married those who are not married and who knows what's the third one those who are neither married nor not married well those in that condition know exactly what i'm talking about i hope in getting married and for that to happen you would need to look for a spouse and we have two things one is what the quran and sunnah teach us regarding choosing your spouse and how it should be done the guidelines and secondly we have society and community the cultures the norms as time passes there are different ways of meeting up there are different ways that you get to know one another a potential spouse it's not exactly as it used to be a long time ago so we cannot deny that the globe has changed we cannot deny that the methods of getting yourself acquainted with another person have actually changed and if we do not embrace this change within the limits and the scope of islam we would actually be creating stress and causing depression and harm in the hearts and minds of those who are loved ones to us so for example if you have a parent who has this ideal idea in their heart in their minds it's something very ideal i have my child i have my daughter i have my son for example and i really believe that i would like them to get married in a specific way to a specific person and i'd like it to happen uh the way i have planned it all out and if you're thinking that it's going to work according to your plan alone then you're definitely not being realistic at all you need to know we all have plans not just for marriage but the almighty's plan will always go beyond what we have planned as time passes we definitely need to adjust this dream adjust this plan of ours because your child happens to go to school your child happens to come back perhaps they're on the public transport or perhaps walking to school coming back in a country like this perhaps they interact with people after school maybe at the workplace maybe at the university as per the changes in society and community on condition that they don't go beyond the framework so there was a time when introductions were made by parents and family members and i'd like to think that it still happens that way to someone whom they believe is perhaps a prospective spouse and then the two of them meet number one we need honesty if you are having a relationship with a third party please be honest please come out clear to your parents to everyone else to say you know what i am having a relationship with another person and i won't be able to consider this because the biggest sin is when you're marrying someone knowing that you are involved with someone else allah and people are doing it to please their parents it is a disease i'm sure a lot of you know exactly what i'm talking about so my beloved parents don't push your children to the degree that you've you've issued a sentence to someone else's daughter or to someone's son when your daughter or son was involved with a third party and you blocked it squashed it and sometimes the way you dealt with it they didn't even have the courage or the guts to let you know that there was something else going on how many of us have heard of those whom out on their honeymoon they're busy texting or sexting someone else in this day and age we have to raise these issues because if we don't who is going to raise them so my beloved parents you are a criminal if you've done that that would be so bad because you have messed up and ruined the life of an inner child that you don't even realize they could have been happier with someone else and they would have been happier had they not even been married so this is why we say the first step just be honest and now we have a bigger problem where the guy says yeah i know that they're forcing you but i don't care what are you talking about i've come across such cases whether it's for immigration purposes whatever other purpose it is wallahi this is criminal behavior this is absolutely unacceptable it is against the basic rights of a child to choose the spouse it's a basic right so that's step number one an introduction is made the meeting is not just a little tray that you pick up and you pass from one corner of the room to the other and they're supposed to size you up in that moment and then say that's not how it works you have every right to talk to communicate to interact to see to look and you need to know that until you're not satisfied don't nod your head don't we as parents in this day and age should definitely allow our children to disagree with us and we should engage them in discussion because if we don't we're going to lose them my parents the age has changed you have to be in such communication with your children that when they have a problem they can tell it to you your son should be able to come to you and tell you how he's struggling with pornography i don't think many parents can actually boast that type of a close relationship that means we're guilty because then they will turn to others we need to have a good relationship respect indeed that's why today you are my witness i said the most important people are your parents take their guidance they mean well sometimes out of the difference perhaps in thinking and understanding the generation perhaps they might say something that you don't agree with they might say something wrong but there needs to be communication and you need to understand that at the end of the day these are my folks these are my parents and dear parents learn to forgive your children learn to let them make mistakes sometimes i'd rather have a child who's made a mistake and come back from that mistake than have a child whom i tried to impose on on them an ideal set of living such that they became depressed and it has happened and it continues to happen anyway getting back to the the choice of a spouse like i had said at the beginning initially when there is an introduction that was one way of doing things it's either yes or it's a no you might meet once you might meet twice someone might ask how many times am i allowed to meet a person you can meet them as many times as you want on condition that it is within a framework what is that framework you don't just say right um i need to meet this person so let's go out now and we'll go out we'll spend the evening once twice thrice and you know you you've already had intimate relations and then you decide nah not good enough but rather respectfully you interact let them come to your home you go to their home perhaps you know there will be the broader family or at least a member or two a maharam etc etc you know and then you may speak you may interact and remember the golden rule my brothers and sisters i found this a lot with some of those you know younger people who interact either at the workplace or at the universities with a person of the opposite sex before you donate your heart to them get your folks involved let me explain you see the mind and the heart are the most powerful organs that you have the minute you give someone control of those two they can damage you destroy you and really break you to pieces shredded so be careful the heart and the mind you don't give them to anyone besides allah allah should hold that and that's it if a relationship is within what allah wants then inshallah you will be happy but there are young people at the age of 14 16 20 they've donated their hearts to someone and they know that they're going to have a real uphill struggle with their folks rather before you gave that heart you should have at least got your folks involved or you should have had your plan in place until you really really have answered a few questions and one of them would be it needs to be kept within the framework of allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's and then involve your folks and then at the third level you would want to actually take it a step further and i want to raise one very interesting point there is shaytan shaytan beautifies things that are haram you need to know this and what does he use he uses halal bait so this is what happens to us so it starts in a haram where you see for example a brother a sister mashallah good really good hijab excellent alhamdulillah salah beautiful mashallah you know everything is in order wow soft spoken very helpful mashallah up to that point alhamdulillah good subhanallah and then you know you exchange numbers or somehow you get into contact with the person and guess what shaytan does shaytan makes this guy get you up for salatul fajr that was in a way a good thing but the fact that it happened such that you're now donating your heart before you've involved your folks and your your argument is but this person brings me closer to allah and then you bite and what happens your life is gone perhaps you might start zinna and you don't even know and then you will tell yourself but allah is not going to do it again inshallah but because you gave your heart away that was shaytan's plan so that's why allah tells us involve a third party be careful of these traps you don't give the heart until you get the marriage done you need to make sure that you don't give too much to someone information about yourself your heart your problems your issues you don't need you need to understand there are some people definitely that do exist on earth who are genuine it's ironic how we all feel we're genuine but in actual fact if you search your life for your relationships we're not that genuine we're living in a world where we interact with people you probably have the best child it doesn't mean that because she has come up or he has come up to you with some suggestion from the school or the workplace that they're already having an affair it doesn't mean that it doesn't mean that they've started in a haram way not necessarily you have to take it seriously you have to communicate you find out and if that person happens to be genuine if that person no matter who they are where they come from if they happen to be genuine sincere guess what you're going to have an uphill task trying to say no now because you have allah and his rasool on one side and you have your ego on the other like i said you might have had your dream but you have to adjust it as time passes because now something i didn't calculate has just happened how should i deal with it we're living in the real world you're going to have to deal with it by facing it by understanding it like i said look at the guidelines of the dean and try your best to help your child my beloved children definitely take what your parents have to say seriously and if they don't if they don't listen to you at all try again and keep trying i want the parents to listen very attentively your child will probably come to you and say you know dad i sm i've been to the university for three years there is a specific brother now many families the minute the girl says this it's kyama how could you ever how dare you did i send you to the uni i know you sent me to the uni to study i've been studying i've been trying my best but i cannot help but to let you know there is a brother mashallah you know he fulfills his salah he's really very very i haven't even communicated with him but he's very upright and i've been noticing i cannot help but notice i mean it's a real life it's a real world out there and your father just says no or parents from amongst us here or who will hear this later on we just say no i'm not entertaining this not realizing that who you have in mind is worse than the person whom this child of yours is trying to show you so take a moment to fulfill what allah has placed on your shoulders by finding out who it is and being genuine about it you really have a problem look i've met them mashallah lovely brother i do agree but i found x y and z and i really think it's going to be a difficulty hardship it's not going to be so easy because of what talk to your child convince them and on the other hand we've told the children not to give their hearts before they involve their folks the problem is when they're trying to involve their folks the folks are simply not having it and this is not one case thousands of cases literally thousands i would not be wasting my time speaking about it here if it wasn't such a big problem they're not from the same tribe they're not from the same race they're not from the same caste they don't speak the same language do you know what those statements are if a proposal has come in your direction from a person whom you are satisfied with their level of deen which means their closeness to allah their religion they don't have to be you know so pious but on an acceptable level perhaps they read their salah they're responsible in their relationship with allah and secondly their character and conduct is of an acceptable level if you have those two then let it happen and you know what the hadith says if you don't oh this is my favorite part do you know why it's my favorite part we say it we repeat it and we see parents do exactly the opposite and face the same consequences mentioned by the prophet saw sallam and they blame everyone else so the hadith says if good character came to you with decent deen where the prophet sallam says if there is deen and let it happen if you don't there's going to be lots of problems and issues and great facade chaos and corruption on earth which means your life is going to be turned upside down and then inshallah you know you get the people to confirm it your family inshallah involved and so on as time passes and you're making an istikhara one of two things is going to happen either things are going to become easy or things are going to become difficult if things become easy that's the response of your istihara positively if things are going to become difficult it's the response of you is negatively remember when you make a dua of estihara we all have a misunderstanding that you're going to dream something 99 of the time you don't dream anything you did not read the meaning of the dua that's why you don't even know what you asked allah for the dua says o allah if this is good for me make it easy for me give me baraka in it and let it happen for me so you get up in the morning and everything is not happening why because the other part of the dua that you made in the dua of estihara is oh allah if it's not good for me create a barrier between me and it take it away from me make it difficult and make me happy with what you've decreed so everything becomes very very difficult that's the response of your destihara it's in the dua so go back and read the dua and you'll understand people say you know it's becoming so difficult but i've dreamt and i've had so many dreams my sister my brother a lot of the people have already slept with each other before they're doing his tikhara do you not think is going to be tainted with whatever has happened i mean you're crazy watching her talking to her or him every single day thinking that that's not going to have an impact about your dreams and everything your thoughts and whatnot you need to know what's the meaning of istikhara and if you've already made your mind up don't waste your time making an istikhara because then you're not going to follow it and another very interesting point is istikhara you know for those of you who might not know what it is it's to seek the guidance of allah regarding a matter that you are confused about so if you're not confused about it it's inapplicable you don't have to do it but where i'm confused you're saying oh allah i don't know you know please guide me help me by that time have you or have you not donated your heart if you have i don't see how it's applicable you see there comes a stage during the whole process when you know it's right and sometimes people get engaged it's not wise to prolong an engagement this side is happy that side's happy but no four years later you have to get your job and i've interviewed parents whom themselves have not had jobs when they were married they didn't own a home they didn't really have a solid income they probably never had proper jobs but mashallah they married they were happy they had us we're okay when we want to marry they say no the guy needs a job i mean where's the why is it so much you know hypocrisy so we need to know if an engagement has happened and you begin to have negative thoughts break it cancel it it's easier to break it at that stage than to wait to get to nikah and to have children innocent ones who are going to be caught in the turmoil so my beloved parents if your children want to call off the engagement support them talk to them initially you might want to know why you might want to guide them yes but if they want to call it off don't say i spend so much money because you're going to spend even more money and then it's going to break when it's going to make you cry tears of blood so rather do it now the problem with weddings is you know the day you sowing the seed of your entire future why do you want to make it the displeasure of allah that's the most powerful way of looking at it i'm about to sow the seed for the rest of my life the tak deer and the predestiny everything is coming into effect today i'm going to be having children inshaallah the future is going to be coming in sha allah allah knows about it and on this day is the same day that everything i've done is within the displeasure of allah that embarrassment of the thought should be enough for me to be able to hold back and say hang on i can do anything but not today even if i'm a weak muslim by right we're not supposed to be doing anything anyway any day it's always supposed to be within the pleasure of allah but i'm talking of if you have a weakness try and cut it on that day the problem with weddings is even those who don't generally have weaknesses they tend to think this is the you know when you're on diet what do you call the one day cheat day right they tend to think okay this is the cheat day you can do as you want that's wrong so we sowed the wrong seed or when you officiate your nikah or your marriage you've entered into territory that will give you greater access to acts of worship that will result in your entry in jannah that's why some people say half your deen right it's not a joke it's difficult it's hard you got new relatives you got a whole line of them before when you traveled you just had to buy a gift for one or two people now there's a line of people if you miss one out they say i knew she was bad it's really difficult and you know as you have all the relatives and you have to try and make amends and you know you have to work your days of eid out because as you grew up you had to eat with it with your folks all the time now that you're married what's going to happen where do we do the eat it's a question that's resulted in divorce the problem is no we've had eid for 30 years before i married at my family i'm never compromising that in that case on the day of eid mother goes her way father goes his way or husband goes his way wife goes her way is that it come on you're adults and there are two families you need to look after yours and hers it doesn't mean she's a wife so that's it she has to do as i say no you need to have a good understanding it's a day of eid make each other happy what is the day of eid all about to spend the day of joy and happiness in the obedience of allah with your family what else do you want that's what eid is actually there for it's a day of happiness joy primarily pleasing allah you will do an extra ibadah or two like the salah the khutbah etc and then you you are with your family and she is also part of your family and her family is also part of your family whether you like it or not so you have to actually build these relations now why am i saying this because we're getting to divorce when you do the nikah and the marriage there is a door of worship acts of worship that are open that were not opened before when you have your children to allow them to visit your in-laws is a great act of worship because sometimes you might not get along with them completely but you have to they have a right they are the grandparents or the uncles and aunts from the other side you know you might want to minimize if it is very bad influence but generally if they are slightly different you have to put a lid on your ego and you have to understand they are the grandchildren of these people as well it's an act of worship half your deen you see now i've got in-laws bro to get along with you in-laws is a mission it's a mission for me to be able to pull that through i deserve jannah guys come on come on man half my iman whatever i've done in the past salah zakar whatever else i mean that was easy by the way it wasn't as bad now getting along there bro you know you got to say masha'allah alhamdulillah you know you've got to try your best so it's an act of worship so my brothers and sisters if i can pause for a moment there's something on my mind right now you know when we speak of mothers in law i promise you it is just a stigma that's attached but in real life it's not true it it is not true i've known of a lot of mothers in law being absolutely superb human beings those who are really great in their character and conduct and i'm sure you might pass a comment or someone says something and the other person's really trying to be the way you would like them to be or trying to do what you'd like them to do and because it takes a while to adjust it sometimes takes a bit of a while to get it to that you know to fine tune it and we get upset in the interim making matters worse you've just got to remain cool and calm and you've just got to wait for it inshaallah by the will of allah it will come and you know we will all be rewarded for it we need to change that narrative i believe that by becoming people who are the best to their children in law we need to promise ourselves and allah i am going to be the best father-in-law in the case of a female the best mother-in-law many times we end up complaining about people and we promise that we don't want to be like them and we end up becoming worse than them without realizing it because we're pointing fingers not knowing that the way to change is actually to begin with yourself when there is an issue and a problem it might be that that person is harassing you troubling you making your life difficult but you need to at the same time look at how you are reacting how you are perhaps you might have caused a situation and now you're sitting with it and you're just blaming everyone else because they've become worse than you as a result of what you triggered off i'm in a situation for example i love my spouse but i'm having an issue with the broader family well i can tell you i'm going to have to live with that to a certain degree and what that degree is differs from situation to situation and perhaps will also differ based on how i deal with it so if i deal with it in a proper way perhaps i will be able to minimize the issue and i will be able to look at it with a broad heart you know when you hold everything in your heart you become a person filled with hatred filled with so much of negativity because you're holding too much you don't need to hold so much you need to learn to let go of things so my brothers and sisters we all need to promise make sure you know and you understand that you have pledged that you're going to make life good and easy and facilitated for those whom you live with because charity definitely begins at home sometimes what we do is the minute we have one misunderstanding we say right that's it i want out of this marriage not realizing that we're gonna have a misunderstanding with everyone with our own brothers and sisters and parents with those whom we love with everyone we have a few misunderstandings you don't break a relationship simply because you've had two or three misunderstandings or one but that's what people are doing however if it is a major matter you can see that both of you are heading in different directions there are steps to follow after that we're very respectfully you part ways there are doors that open up for ibadah and worship that were never opened before such as speaking good about your ex someone asks you what happened the correct answer is look masha'allah good person i hope i was a good person as well we didn't get along and if someone is keen on getting married to your ex and they want to know the details if they were serious issues that need to be mentioned privately to a person because we're not allowed to lie when someone is about to enter into marriage with someone else you need to know are they asking you genuinely because they would like to know because half of them they just ask you but they've already made their minds up you know if that's the case say look you know what didn't get along with me perhaps get along with you wallahi it happened at the time of the sahaba of the allahu many times when some of them would say to the others why don't you marry sachin such a woman she was married to me didn't get along with me but i'm sure she was a very good person she'll get along with you allah and then we claim to be good muslims wow mashallah secondly if you have children one of the biggest acts of worship from you that will get you inshaallah into jannah is if you can put a lid on your ego and allow access to the father or mother of the child depending on who has that custody even religious who read 10 salah a day when it comes to a matter of this nature they say no i know what i'm doing what happened to all your salah when i say 10 by the way we're talking of the father as well as the sunnah and the nafil and everything else how dare you decide that that's it the children are mine and not yours and thereafter remember prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam married a few times all of his spouses besides one were previously married either divorced oh we don't where are the men from amongst us and more than the men here comes the father and the mother of this guy he is interested he wants to marry someone and they're okay they even meet her and after that they say wow what a lovely choice you've made and so on and thereafter when they find out she was previously married they say no no no you know what this is not going to happen because it's a disgrace how are we going to face our cousins how are we going to face my brother and so on wallahi when they children did things they did it without consulting you not even bothered about you why are you bothered about someone else do what is right are you not enough a leader within your home to be able to lead the way for your own house i don't have to worry about what the world is going to think and we say no why but she's a divorcee a person who's divorced may be a million times better than an idea you have in your mind for your child wallahi may allah you

Channel: Islamic Guidance

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Length: 29min 30sec (1770 seconds)

Published: Mon May 10 2021