Mark Normand Funniest Podcast Moments

thank you being here uh before we get into all of your stories and you've got quite a bit here on the list will you please plug promote everything you want sure sure i'm all over the road this year uh hit me on marknormancomedy.com instagram twitter a podcast it's called tuesdays with stories with joe list he's a cute kid and we've had him here great episode and uh yeah yeah check me out come see me live uh before i kill myself so uh please say you can say you saw me when see me before i go full gay come on in people sorry about the sunglasses i'm i'm culturally appropriating a jazz musician there we go there you go ah the lights very don't harm the pain huh i like her all right hey hey hey you out of ten i need you daddy doesn't it daddy doesn't watch porn what you seem a little pent up i never watch porn wow and i haven't watched porn in many years yeah i like a good idea but i like her man i do it every day and it's got to be black yeah but i don't know how do you how do you do it what are you imagination like eighth grade style uh i i'm older i just i don't know i don't think back to i don't even know jack off in black and white i don't know anymore really i swear to god what i'm just oh you know what dude get the [ __ ] out yeah i know you're talking like how you're sitting you're weird that's really good he wins he wins yeah yeah we're in new york it's it feels more like oh that was a clever take on that joke and it was it feels more arty a little bit like a little more intellectually like like david tell us i mentioned he looks like a hobo right but he's this brilliant guy you know he's a le yeah yeah you always have somebody like that in the building that makes you check that checks to all the levels yes it's like even if he's not personally doing it it's just him being there right there's a ceiling as to what's going on yeah but then you go to the comedy store and i'm in the main room green room and you're like look at all these sexy dudes you know like brendan schaub's a [ __ ] chiseled fat [ __ ] like he's got the slick hair the cool shoes got a chain on like i would never even think to put on a chain oh he's a white part of bacon yeah i always call him the white part of bacon still good but damn boy yeah yeah a little thick and not good for you yeah he's a thick crust and he's got the cheese in there too oh yeah you know you stretch it and it it pulls but yeah it's like dang how much cheese i know i know but he's like seven foot one he's got a huge piece and a bad ass it's crazy one leg dude his other that it's a it's a [ __ ] penis with a neon wow he's got a bendy dick he's got ligaments oh dude yeah he can stand on his dick yeah that's pretty crazy it's a kickstand a dick stand uh all the europe ones you know did you get loose in amsterdam we got loose we you know we just did the canals and get a got a bunch of weeds are you a drug guy no not a weed guy i can't do it i'm too [ __ ] up the weed brings out all the demons yeah it doesn't suppress them like alcohol you have your darkness it's from your childhood i think so you had a weird childhood how so well let's see uh my dad got a wild hair up his ass and bought a mansion dilapidated mansion in a poor black neighborhood so first of all the house was [ __ ] we barely had running water it was you know we'd have family meetings all right go [ __ ] at school don't [ __ ] here we need the water and then my dad started running out of money so he made the back half of bed and breakfast like old style bit so my mom's whipping up pancakes at eight a.m and i'm like can i get one she's like blow big dick uh eat a bowl of cheerios you [ __ ] and so i was like all right sorry jesus and so you and you know they're so my peers are workaholics they're checked out you know they they were nice people but they're just like hey we gave birth to you you figured it out yeah go watch tv there's no attention yes uh dr drew i just think what happened to a [ __ ] comment maybe but boy it's sad don't give him attention so what doctor do you say so he said you're uh because i was like my mom didn't react like i have girlfriends all introduced to my mom they're like oh that was tough i felt like i was bombing in there i'm like welcome to my life you [ __ ] [ __ ] jesus christ 20 years of that [ __ ] growing up and uh so i wonder you need the last from [ __ ] strange exactly like ask me a question just ask me a random question i'm my mom um a random question um where are you from what time is it where are we you know it's just like oh [ __ ] sorry gage yeah and it's she's not mean she's just like she's just got her checked out yeah she's just like thinking about all right i gotta pay the bill i gotta water the plants you know and you're like you have brothers and sisters older brother he's a genius he's like this you know math computer wizard and our neighborhood was so dangerous that he just head into a computer like as a kid and he just became like dos and [ __ ] did you make friends in the neighborhood with the black yeah yeah but then you got into fights and there was a lot of racial tension it was the 90s and bikes were stolen and we got robbed all the time we had this crazy alarm going off because our house was so big and you would just i'd be like an eight-year-old kid and you just hear like glass breaking and then i'm just like i'm in my room like hugging up teddy you know hoping i don't get raped by [ __ ] leroy and uh you know you go downstairs and hey the tv's gone today you know and that was that was a tuesday yeah and we got robbed all the time my dad he's got like he's like n word rich you know where he's like oh we're gonna buy a shitty lexus but it's alexis you know so the lexus would get stolen he's like all right he'll give me like cab money to go to school and [ __ ] and uh and that was just how it was i remember i told this story on rogan but i got my bike stolen just these street tuffs you know they would rub their front tire on your back tire and that man like uh you're [ __ ] and they would just take your bike forever i didn't get a good night's sleep but that [ __ ] did end up working oh really it worked for both of them yeah it didn't work for me i tried these dehydration pills like to dry you out that didn't work and then my dad eventually got so fed up because he was annoyed with the bedwetting he's like you got to grow up you [ __ ] loser so he said no more liquids after six so i'm sitting there eating doritos at 608 going like you know i look like a like a somali pirate i'm so thirsty i'm like it's like water world i gotta pee in a jar and filter it you know i'm so thirsty and you know my brother's guzzling uh kool-aid and [ __ ] and pepsi and i'm like guys he's not having that problem at all no it was brutal man it was a dry county and so you would would you not go to sleepovers because of it i would go because i wanted to hang and i wanted to you know be a part of society i didn't want to be like a weirdo like disabled guy like i can't go i have a problem so i would just stay up all night and it was like i was like in a holocaust death camp i was like all right i'll sleep in shifts you know i'm gonna sleep for like 10 minutes here and i'll wake up and i saw everything i would just walk around my friends houses at like two in the morning they're they're snoozing and i'd go into the mom's panties and you know watch some tv and check the fridge i was like a weird night owl nightcrawler guy at like nine you know checking out porn you know i'm going in and out of the house playing with a cat whatever i had to do jerk off on a friend's face anything just anything kill the time did you guys jerk off together you and your buds no what never oh that was a big one that was yeah none of the what okay so let's talk about that too because was it a circle jerk thing or what was it what it was you're like nah come on you take a corner i'll take a corner we got the porn in the middle and uh yeah it was like a bonding experience i did make my friend taste it once and he never talked to me again is that real oh my his or yours his his i was like i dare you to taste he's like i'm not tasting i was like a double dog and he was like ah i hate you you know it was a great moment he's never talking i mean we're still cool he's uh he's dead now he was a gay porn star but when i was growing up they had a thing vegip and for a while girls would put lsd in their vagina yeah and go hard a dick trip your dick will go in and get all burning man that was the thing yeah whoa the girl was tripping then you get in there and get some of the trip and wow i don't mind a trip but i don't want it through my dick hole that's that's a weird surprise that's a way that's a while yeah it's a wild entrance that's a front supposition yeah holy hell uh there's nick big knicks a creeper well he's a pretty mature baby dude so he's making up for lost oh were you a preemie well you came out good that's what i'm saying man why a lot of these guys going 36 and nick got out early bro nick is a hard worker oh yeah i was like a c-sec really oh yeah i came out through the [ __ ] roof oh wow or i guess maybe this the moon roof or something i didn't come out through the door i could see you being like i don't know you know is this the best thoroughfare right let me see what else is going on and you've all touched your mom's vag i haven't touched well maybe you've touched my mom's she's a big [ __ ] but uh i haven't touched my mom's vagina which feels pretty good oh yeah oh that i guess i could see that yeah there is always a weird element i think sometimes when i look at my mom and she and i both know what i did yeah yeah you ruined her labia for a while they say it goes back yeah i hear it's never exactly the same but that's my buddy said that oh well maybe he had a big kid or something yeah he said though because i've we've all banged some milfs and it didn't feel that different yeah i don't have any feelings in in my penis at all i don't feel like oh really come on i don't think so i mean all so many of the nerves are in my brain that it's so it's like if i think hard enough i can feel something but otherwise it's kind of like uh wait are you serious yeah i'm just not i mean yeah like you're not very sensitive downtown i don't think so i don't know what you're not [ __ ] all over no no really oh i put it in i'm done oh man yeah i mean don't worry i got the brain stuff too i'm going i hate myself i'm tiny i'm gay all this [ __ ] yeah i don't have the uh oh you got the band back together huh oh yeah oh yeah my dick's like uh like a girl at seeing the notebook it's just weeping it's bad bro the first time i ever had sex i remember getting right up like literally my penis was right outside of this girl's um vagina yes and it just like sneezed ejaculate you know just like like it was so nervous yeah yeah so it hit the out so it pressure washed oh definitely and it was like uh it was almost like my venus was like i'm too sick to handle this and just vomited outside of this girl's entryway you puked at the table you didn't even get to the buffet oh man you golden corral and we were so ready everybody was so ready so then i had to pretend like i was so ready bro and that was crazy because i had to like oh hold on i don't want to just do this yeah make up this long story right um all right i want to know please please tear i i do want to talk to you about dating though so please all these problems going on the bed wetting the this that what age do you start getting into girls and actually dating and how old are you when you lose your virginity i was such a mess like anxiety-wise insecurity-wise that i couldn't pick up a lady i had to be boozing and she had to be booze and i i had no game or anything but i eventually met a gal and we became like serious and it was like my only girlfriend and we dated from high school till out of college wow high school sweetheart we did it for 12 years but uh i peed on her many a time do you still are you still talking to her she's married now but we're cool yeah i kind of [ __ ] her over a few times but uh yeah we're cool and she was great i mean was she did you both take each other's virginity no no lady we met as virgins and then i [ __ ] a prostitute and she banged some other guy i think out of anger and then we got back together you so you lost your virginity to a prostitute sure she didn't charge me yeah it worked out i had a coupon so i got in how what did you why did you decide to do it like that when you had a girlfriend well it was we were kind of on the rocks like we were talking remember when people said we were talking but i don't know we weren't really official and you hadn't started yet it wasn't like you had been going for a year and had that in sections yeah okay we're on the phone every now and then and we'd go to like a prom or something like sock hop together but it wasn't too serious and then it was y2k was in the air you remember that yeah when the world was going to happen yeah it was a buzz and it was two it was 1999 and me my friends went to the french quarter was new year's eve eve and uh the best the best new year's eve eve is way better than new year's yes it is there's no pressure no one's trying to look good hurry up get somewhere new years eve eve is the jam the jam and you know we had this big party go to on new year's eve so new year's eve we're like hey let's do the quarter that's right we're right here let's do it so uh i i'm out with friends i see a woman on the balcony and she's just flashing at the ramada hotel on bourbon i'll never forget it and she was an older uh you know she'd seen some winters just say that she was a little you know uh wear and tear you could tell she she looked like jennifer anderson after a good fist fight and uh but she had a leather jacket with no shirt and she just kept flashing people which is pretty commonplace in the big easy yeah i was gonna say that's yeah and it's new years so this is a buzz in the air and i'm 16 and um we're all drinking and [ __ ] and uh so we're just staring at her this is pre brazzers so we're just like pre-tips and uh this is pretty [ __ ] um girls going wild too isn't it ah or maybe like right right right there right in there so tits were big yeah and uh she sees us staring and she she's like yelling at us like what's going on with you guys you know we're like oh we'd like to come up we're [ __ ] around and she's like i'll come down so she comes down and uh she's talking to us and right then it's like oh this is game on like this woman is down for something and but we're so nervous because you're still talking to an adult lady who's you know 78 and she's like uh you kids want to come up and throw some beads and immediately i was like oh see things for kids this isn't gonna work so i just do a hail mary and i go hey you wanna i don't wanna go on a 2000 a virgin and she goes well i won't let you and that was it how old was she she's probably 50 something really 53 and so then what happens so i she brings me and two guys up my other two friends went and got drinks or something and uh i remember she opens the door to her hotel room the door swings open there's an old man with a white beard and a harley davidson hat and a leather jacket just sitting staring at the door and i was like oh we're gonna die yeah this guy's definitely has a gun that's loaded yeah exactly he had i guarantee you he had a gun i'm sure he had boots on he had a knife yeah i was gonna say he was probably packed oh yeah no doubt about it this guy came out of like some crazy like nashville or something this guy was like a biker guy so he goes which one is it and she points to me and he goes all right you too let's go have some beers on the balcony and you know now we're kind of like and your buddies now got to go outside and drink with this dude yeah but you know they're cool with it because they just want the booze yeah you know so they're like ah [ __ ] it let's see what happens that's how it was but we were feral we just did [ __ ] whim no no plans and uh yeah so i've told this story many times but she just sat on the bed she goes how do you want to do this and i go well i'm trying that cool i'm like i'll take a blow job first and she goes i don't give blow jobs i said you [ __ ] kids off the street we don't get [ __ ] i don't know what i was thinking uh and she was like what what i'm sorry sorry sorry and she goes anything else and i go are you clean she goes you want to do this or not and i was like i'm sorry i'm sorry and then she just got naked that's a great no that's one of the best no's i've ever heard in my life do you want to do this or not i'm in sorry madam let's do a re redo and yes underage yeah 16 she's 50 what 53. i got to be more memorable no i i just probably just i was just probably thinking about myself sure um who is this couple of whites right here what is this segura and uh uh rickles who's that yeah no i think that's sigour and who yeah who does that look like who's that guy at the same time oh maybe an old shoe who's the guy at the store who opens it up alan arkin no what's that guy's name oh yeah arvis argus hamilton argus hamilton yeah surprise good on him named after obviously a couple of slaves let's be honest hamilton oh yeah yeah good play what's up theo gang what's up mark where a couple of tuesdays all right i know about your best night and your worst night performing comedy oh i got that for you thank you cute couple right there yeah thank you guys yeah you wanted to start uh let's hear yours man all right well one i've had i've had a lot of great nights i've had a lot of bad nights it's hard to pick the the top but i did the the the what is that what's the arena here staples no no no forum i did the forum once and that was pretty unbelievable i i just killed at the forum i just had it it was just sold out you know open for schumer what i don't know what is that 30 000 people or whatever the [ __ ] it is really 20 22 maybe 22 yeah it was unreal and it's in a circle and just rocked it and it just everything clicked i did the patrice o'neal benefit and that was a good one with bill burr invited me which was like such an honor and that just clicked i had a remember i went third which is like the best spot in the show and just kicked kicked it right in the teeth and it just you know when your timing is the laugh and then you then it just worked um and bill said some nice things after so that was great but the worst probably two months ago during christmas i did a bunch of corporate gigs do you do corporates i just do one this week actually oh nice they're pretty they're pretty different yeah they're not really stand up you're just kind of like trying to keep these people happy and get your paycheck and get out of there yeah you don't want to get any hr issues yeah biggest thing yes and i that's exactly what i did i had to host a pharmaceutical award show big hotel ballroom you know like white tablecloths fine china tuxedos chandeliers and i'm host i got note cards like a stack this high of like next up best sleep aid here the nominees like i was that guy i had a podium and everything and i had to study it and the paycheck was insane they picked me up with a limo drove me out to philadelphia damn i get there i'm supposed to do 15 minutes of stand up to open just to like get them loose and then go into the award shows clean but they knew my stuff they watched all my youtube and they're like we like your edge and all that [ __ ] so just do you so i just to play it safe i did the sci i opened for seinfeld and i did the seinfeld set which you know nothing cleaner than seinfeld yeah uh so i go up and out of the gate bomb bomb bomb every joke and i'm like all right let me pull out some heavy hitter these always work bomb foolproof bomb so i'm like maybe i'll get a little dirtier that's how i get them i go i do a vibrator joke i see a table of women get up and leave in like a huff and i go that's not good so i comment on them dry women huh yeah oh yeah oh yeah these women were not into it and so i my my get off to like i bring these people up to like give a little speech about some kind of [ __ ] drugs they're selling and i get off and the ceo of the whole thing is yelling at me and he's like how could you say that about my wife and i'm like wait what are you i don't even know who your wife is and he's like my wife is offended get the hell out of here you're fired you're done i was like wait what what are you talking about i'm in a tuxedo i rented a tux from joseph a banks so i'm like what so i go up to like the curator later and she's like she's crying because he yelled at her first and she's like she's like you gotta go you gotta go we're gonna find someone else to host it the whole there's three more hours in the show and i just had to get in the car and go back to philly no i mean go back to new york brutal i studied and all this [ __ ] it was like a fine lobster steak dinner and it was like so high-end and this was a big production with like you know a sound booth guy and the lighting guy and the waiters and all this [ __ ] and i just had to leave but uh netflix is literally has a creta they'll they'll tell you oh yeah they have quotas they're locked in notes if you have a tv show we have an asian director we have a woman director there's a it's not doesn't matter it's it's it's less about i think whatever they're doing though they're doing this so what happened in your so i had two good pitches before that so i was loose and i was zinging and zang and i was i was on and we were in there with the netflix guy and we couldn't get the video to work to play the sizzle and it was just showing like the ceiling and i go oh it's the kevin hart sex tape i'm trying to make jokes and the guy goes can you believe that the woman is suing him for that i was like well i think it's the best thing he's ever done yeah it's funniest funny than his specials and he was like you know i produced the last four of those i was like oh well i'm just just [ __ ] around you know we all love kevin hart he's like i don't think that's appropriate i mean he does he works with netflix i'm like oh yeah i'm just so calm just busting ball i love kevin hart i wish i was him he's a little guy and cute and all that pets too go see it blah blah and he just the whole pitch i poured my heart out in this pit shucking and jiving i'm tap dancing and he was just like thank you take a joke man netflix is doing something right though aren't they uh i got mugged a bunch but uh yeah so i you know i was boozing it up in cleveland you know not bragging and um i met this gal this is years ago years ago and i remember thinking like all right i'm gonna be a good guy here and trying to do the right thing we don't have a condom so we can't bang you know i'm trying to be a little more responsible and we're in my hotel room and we're both kind of uh what do we do and cleveland everything closes it's all done so i was like i got an idea cause we're both wanting to do something i go what if i put it in the keister we won't need a condom for that you can't get pregnant in the ass not that i've heard i don't know of if that were the case and gays would be having babies all day long but uh so that but also you're you're what you're not considering is still the std i know i didn't even think about it i was like what what's just about a baby's all you're thinking about yeah because what std lives in the air yeah all of them especially aids the big the big hiv so all of them live in the [ __ ] in my mind this was the responsible thing to do so uh she was like all right great so we went to town and i remember thinking like all right you gotta pee after that's how you flush everything yeah really trying to be responsible and and whatever then uh we i don't have you ever had an std no it hits you about two weeks it's usually like 13 14 days that's how long it takes to really notice it and i remember the next day i was like god damn what i got the next day yeah i was like so i was like this in my head i was like this is a really bad one you know if it hit that early that's what my dumb brain thought like this is a really serious std so immediately i went aids you go right to the top and you there's a lot of gay or anal aids you know but this was a one-night stand correct yes yeah and an anal first date yeah anal that's cleveland one night's day yeah that's a wednesday it's the browns cleveland browns baby that was the mascot wow so uh yeah i i had to do the horrible thing we all hate to do you text the girl the next day go hey i hate to do this but do you have anything i should know about you know and uh she was like oh my god of course not jeez i could yes and it's just super awkward i'm like all right i just feel weird and something's up i'm just checking no you know no no judgement and she's like no no [ __ ] you whatever and i was like all right and then you know the next couple days it's like god damn i am [ __ ] i have something bad what's happening just uh aching like and you're in have you ejaculated again yourself you masturbate since i want to know if it hurt when that came out no i was too worried about it i didn't want to [ __ ] with it yeah so i was peeing it didn't burn you the burn is the big tell yeah that's the that's the go-to so this was a no burn and an ache and a pain and a sting so i'm like i don't know what it is so i thought it was some high level but it's only in your dick yes it's not radiating in anywhere else no radiation and uh i i'm losing it so i go to the hospital in like the what do you call the clinic the one hour clinic and i do a whole test i go you're clean and i go well i got some something's up and they're like ah it's probably in your head and they're like take some antibiotics yeah it's in my [ __ ] so i was like all right so i'm taking it and you know nothing's working so i know this doctor guy so i just called him and just kind of like unloaded on him and he goes huh i bet you got [ __ ] in your dick that's not the doctor that's what the doctor is i just use the word ejaculate and this guy says you have [ __ ] in your dick yeah and i was like i don't know you ever take that ferry over there from new orleans over to the west west bank yeah sure mardi gras world that we'd go there yeah i used to take that with my dad all the time i loved that ferry it was like a buck yeah that was good times yeah that thing was good remember it costed a dollar to get into new orleans from the west bank every day those my friends have to pay a buck to get into the city they got rid of that but that was weird as a kid like damn that's kind of shitty to the wankers yeah it really is kind of yeah you got to pay to get in here yeah you have to come over there to work and you also got to pay yeah the causeway was like that coming from mandeville it was like you had to pay yeah it was uh oh really it was a dollar and then it was a dollar fifty on each side damn then eventually it was just three dollars one way damn so the other way you didn't have to stop you to pay three dollars up top longest bridge in america yep i think and it was the longest bridge in the world for a while and then japanese built one longer i got caught on that bridge uh about to get murdered i don't know if you heard about this but uh we were stopped on the causeway because i we were getting chased by this guy who was trying to kill us me and a couple high school friends and there was an accident on the causeway so it was gridlocked so the car had to park and we're like [ __ ] and he got out he was like shaking the car he was like a big buff guy and we were like three squirrely catholic school kids and he had a knife and he was like slicing the side of the car up and luckily the cops at the wreck saw it and like tased him and pulled him down and cuffed him oh that's amazing it was wild but i was like go on the cause but he won't follow us because it's too long but then there was a [ __ ] wreck that caused way man because to me that was a whole other world over there where you live i was like i don't know what goes on in covington and mandeville and all that [ __ ] that was a i didn't know what that was

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 413,888

Keywords: mork normand, comedian, mark normand podcast, the fughter and the kid, theo von, brendan schaub, bryan callen, funny podcast, comedy podcast, mark normand tfatk

Id: M09OjDx7Mc0

Length: 27min 39sec (1659 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 18 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Cobretti18]

“Porn’s like coffee for me. I do it everyday and it’s gotta be black” lmao

[u/DNKNTXU]

Tahlmbow Ron Germy Stevins?

[u/JeremyACrosby]

skip to 58 seconds

[u/Count_Staccula]

Not only does he watch porn,I recall him having a favorite male pornstar.

[u/Veracemusic]

Really? Which pornstar?

[u/meowman13]

Sophie Dee?!! Woof 🤢🤮