BERTCAST #232 – Mark Normand & ME

today's podcast ladies and gentlemen my friend mark Norbit yo yo check check oh hey hey yeah so she was going through midlife crisis and now her and her friends are gonna start a podcast just [ __ ] do it yeah it's like Lynette Corolla you and you and your Posse the New York Posse we got a good crew over there is have been making me laugh hysterically lately oh thanks so [ __ ] funny hung out with sodor in Calgary yeah great guy yeah and he was like he was like dude you gotta he's like I told him oh you're gonna be on the podcast secure [ __ ] love mark Normand he's like he's got apparently everything we all wanted to be when we were young comics I was in a relationship for like 12 years I was like highschool sweetheart College moved to New York together the whole thing and then we had a brutal breakup I cut cut cheating it was you got caught cheating yeah I was were you always cheating yeah okay yeah I was by the way I'm a serial cheater okay stop with my wife I've never cheated on my wife and that was a conscious decision yes when I when I when I when we but no it was just we were laying I said this in the machine story when I tell them I special but we were laying in bed one morning oddly enough I think we already had kids but and I just hadn't cheating so I was in love and then one morning I thought oh this is what life's about is this moment with me and the girls and the dogs and I was like I don't ever want to [ __ ] this up and cheating as you know you don't I don't think people go out to cheat on purpose share it just something gets thrown at you and you're like how often we're gonna get this exactly and it [ __ ] you up mentally because you know you come home after you cheat you have to like fake it all day and it's just eating at you and your guilt you feel like less of a man yeah after you cheat so yeah I don't do it no yeah I know I've I've only had like a couple opportunities where girls have like tried they hit on me and I just I just know what I want you know and I'm also 44 it's like I don't [ __ ] know and you've done a thing we've cheated right after you go media stupid immediately then you want her gone you brutal um so you got caught cheating yeah I was uh we lived together in a tiny shoebox in Manhattan and it was already tense we did you already started comedy oh yeah [ __ ] egg yeah that's a hell of a coop you got out there holy hell this I gotta just describe this I hate to use the term mancave but this is a hell of a shed we're in this is beautiful it's just oh all right well that's why the TV show so it's a legit man cave I got totally set up to flat screams a kegerator you got a I love the the David Letterman framed cars yeah that's amazing just whiskey everywhere and looks like a killer sound system some wine oh my god I love it yeah all right so so you guys you started stand-up yeah where did you grow up I grew up in New Orleans are you serious Lorna raised in Treme right outside the French Quarter are you become I say serious my [ __ ] phone answers wow that's um sweet I didn't know you from New Orleans did you a Sean Patton yeah he was the guy are you sure he was like the guy we all looked up to he started a little before us and he moved to New York first and he was like a big big comic for me so just for everyone listening I think a lot of my listeners are like this desk squad loyal LA fan base podcasting group I think I think most of them probably know you and Joe list your Posse out in New York like sodor big J Joe list bargatze yeah else amaryllis hilarious I worked with him a long long time ago he's a beast yeah he showed me pictures of you guys shirtless walk yes killer and you guys are all I'll say so like just to frame things out for everyone listening Bobby Kelly Jim Norton is a class above me they're great above me then it's me I think to meet you Martin probably Mike Birbiglia that generation and then I and then big J and you guys are the class right below us I think yeah big J's above me I'd say yeah but yeah yeah big J and Kurt I kind of yeah hump them into you guys okay how come you guys I think I would say despite our success and say Emmys and you with you guys yeah yeah yeah and so but you're so your group because like Nate we'd looked we looked up to Nate Nate give us a lot of advice Nate bargatze yeah and yeah then Joe list Jolla said a weird one because he was funny but he was a huge alcoholic so he didn't get anywhere and then he quit drinking and then now he's like on Conan all the time and blowing up and opening for Louie by the way I wish I could I wish that he would relapse and party with me because the stories I hear about Joel is Jesus I've never laughed so hard in my [ __ ] life yeah he was an animal he was a mess he there well I won't tell the story I'll wait I'll save it for I think it's on this is not happening about him [ __ ] that girl that's a doozy so you started stand-up in New Orleans yeah which is like no there's a scene there now but when I started was once a week maybe at an open mic he can get on stage we drive to Baton Rouge try to Lafayette drive to Texas just to get some stage time so should you do you do you connect with like a redneck background at all a little my parents are like the most liberal New Orleans Eve people ever my dad's got a seersucker suit on he's drinking a mint julep my mom's like she's a big Creole chef so I don't really have the redneck I have more of the the Creole like the the it's almost like redneck with the French influence I salute we call him yeah a little high flew my dad's kind of gay a little bit you know we call it [ __ ] like I guarantee you going down to Bayou you know it's got that little twang in it but yeah so we started there and it was just funny we would drink our faces off and do comedy every now and then and then I was like this is what I want to do I had nothing going on it was rudderless so comedy was like a big thing for me just cuz it gave me something to do gave me something to look forward to and I crazy stage fright so eventually after like eight months I moved to New York and boy that was rough I like that though that's what I did why I didn't stand up one time in Tallahassee and then moved to New York Oh one time one time I was like that's amazing one here's something really arrogant please I did it one time and then I called my dad I had to go home that's before cellphones I went home after it I called my dad I thought about this the whole ride home Oh stone sober and I was like when we were kids Brad rat he was a pitcher for the that we grew up with he ended up pitching for the twins going pro him playing like 13 seasons and growing up everyone's like oh yeah you're he's gonna go pro he's gonna go pro my dad was like look for the thing in life like Brad Brad key where everyone was like oh that's definite that's his Foreman and I told my dad I said I found my brother look at that looks like it's stand-up comedy this is what I they had no material I went onstage and spoke for 20 minutes without mattoon 20 minutes and [ __ ] murdered murdered murdered for in respect for a new guy yeah for a first time onstage and I was like this is it Wow what you just talk about stories and drunk [ __ ] clue I do aids reference uh-huh I made I did a made a Scooby Doo reference mm-hmm I talked about jerking off in a cheeseburger all right and then and then and then I sent that tape to Jayson Steinberg Wow yeah he was like yeah move up to New York I think you got something hold how'd you know about Steinberg this I had been written up in Rolling Stone magazine and this guy Adams no I think it's Adam Spiegelman he was a producer on Kimmel Nell okay he was doing this thing American Journal and he came and did an interview with me I told him I wanted to be a comic and that he's like do it record it and send to this guy Jason Steinberg Jesus he's been a cocky bastard no I just know I will I was famous at the time I was like in respects to like even like like I was legit famous because I was written up in Rolling Stone and that's when there's no reality television a cable cable numbers weren't the way they are now they weren't like tons of cable networks so right right up in Rolling Stone was a really big share and you had like a lot of lore around yeah Oprah wanted to do an interview with me radio interviews all the time all over stone tops in the rights to my life and so I was like I just I remember Ben dealers Eric and one of my buddies dad's called me who's like you never get an opportunity like this again I take advantage of everything yeah so I was just like [ __ ] it I'm gonna do stand-up but then I moved to New York got my dick knocked in the dirt yeah immediately it was ugly but did you get your dick knocked in there in life or in comedy because for me it was both so kiss you got this chick you guys moved to New York together I moved first cuz she had no money I didn't I moved out there with $400 I'm way out to Brooklyn and Crown Heights and Crown Heights is like coming up but when I lived there it was brutal it was ugly like I'd get like you're on the wrong side [ __ ] like she liked that Street and my landlord died of AIDS the first year I got mugged three times in first year and I got bedbugs so it's just like the it was like the city was trying to spit me out and luckily I was young I was like 23 so I could take it I was drinking a lot just to like deal with the fear and everything and you know you said great moments like I'm ever waking up one day and seeing snow I've never seen snow before you know so like as a southerner yes when you have that first me and my buddy Tony Hernandez that you probably know Tony he runs he runs he's never mind anyway he's he's he knows I'm sure you guys know each other okay I'll tell you after the show um he was from Florida too and that first day yeah he was like he called me he's like dude we're going to the white I think it's White Horse Tavern yeah yeah it's like we're gonna go [ __ ] drink I was like 10 in the morning we just went straight there and started drinking got weed smoked all day I walked around we've never seen it like that yeah it's beautiful and it's like I was hungover I'm ever looking out the window like a kid on Christmas and I just didn't care about the hangover I went outside and open my mouth you know you live fall in I had a crazy roommate he was from Luling Louisiana he was like this prodigy comedian he started when he was 15 and he was killer and he moved to New York he cried on the ride up because he was he'd never left Louisiana I'm not gonna say his name because he still doin comedy yeah he lives here now in LA do I know him I don't think so he's kind of like introverted weird guy but he's hilarious and he's kind of still in a shell he never really grew up he just moved to New York when he was 18 and he was a crazy what'd he call it a Southern Baptist but he was too scared to go to the church in our neighborhood it was like all black so he would just pray in front of the TV with the televangelists so like that was a weird thing to wake up to on Sunday morning you know what great guy still doing it and he's gonna blow up he just gotta like get over that hump cuz you know I was partying in high school he never did that so he like got real into drugs and tried to get laid and everything and so he kind of put comedy on the back burner so now he's back in a comedy it'll happen come on I don't do a podcast yeah he's an interesting guy but yeah so New York the muggings were brutal I was blacking out too much I had a job from 9:00 to 6:30 where file papers and you know just it was a hard hard couple of years and goo College yeah where I went to LSU but uh I finished I skipped my senior year and finished online in New York oh just our sandal yeah just to get up there Wow by the way online college is a joke it's just so easy it's just like you spend you have to spend like 20 minutes online that's what they call it to spending time online and then you're done so you can just watch TV while you're online it's so crazy how easy it is I had to finish college this is before online and so I had to finish the Florida State correspondence classes which are akin to the prison system uh-huh it's the same classes you take in the prison system Wow so that's easy as hell no really I so difficult that I I it literally I almost didn't graduate college would you mail it in I had to mail didn't get they give you a [ __ ] textbook yeah they read it and write a paper on it oh my god and you're like are you [ __ ] kidding me yeah I give you a test and be like you're gonna answer the quick they give you tests and but mostly I was I was in my classes were in literature so it was a lot of I read all the classics but it made me smarter I'd never read a book really before then yeah like I just was a part I just partied that's good for you though Risa RAF and all that [ __ ] yeah so I mean I guess you could pay some guy to read it and write it but it's good that you did it yeah no bro tab I know everything that you need to know about Viking longships oh wow so you you're mugging yeah finally comes up after what how long she comes up to ever probably like eight months or nine months so it was a rough rough few months and she got there and then she went to move in but I was too scared then she cried so I said okay and then we moved in together and that was kind of fun for awhile live with a girl of 23 we're both poor both artists you know and sex all over the apartment in good times but then it slowly dwindled because it was just yeah it's this small apartment and this the tension is rising and when it you can't you come home and she's the area like [ __ ] yeah you know right when you hear her in the other room you're like so uh that got ugly real fast then roadworks started kicking in so then you're like this is amazing I'm out in hotels and I'm flying I'm on I'm in saying iego I'm in Detroit I mean you know what Rochester day which is so fun you know you're touring with a Mia I was touring with a me I was touring with like I would open for DeRosa Tommy John again Tom Papa all these people yeah you you have a great your stand up you and Nate and Sodor all you guys your stand up is I'd say it's different even Joe is different than then what I do entirely uh-huh it's first of all it's really great joke writing okay like I was said watching Nate the other day and then watching your special I was like they probably never get nervous going in to do a gig going like [ __ ] I hope this goes well because yeah because you're it's it's almost like the math adds up it you're gonna laugh well I you know people I say like you're you're you guys are joke guys I'm like I don't know how else to get laughs yeah I don't know what else to do it though we were all joke guys you write a joke and if it works you keep it well it's so funny someone I was with Chad zoom up this weekend and we were talking about this I won't mention this guy's name oh yeah well don't go [ __ ] this guy John Morgan the ragin Cajun do you know oh yeah this guy he's well he's like a road legend yeah he's a road legend and I mean the clubs love him he sells out every show Yeah right yeah sells out every show nothing have a Twitter doesn't have a face I love never been on television yeah wife hit the lottery what wife hit the lottery so he the money's not an issue to him oh he just kept she loves it was great once that is amazing but he is an example of more of what he's a very far to the right example of what I do like I I don't like I don't I don't know if I have set up punches in my act like I I mean I feel like I do but you know where the laughs gonna be I've done the punch yeah like I said something the other day and it got a big laugh and I was like I don't know if that I don't know if that was I said I didn't really sign up to be a parent I signed up to be a dad yeah I never was for laughing I was like oh no if that I don't know where yeah I don't know how you tweet that that'll get some hits yeah yeah but like yeah you guys are all you guys are all like it's almost like it's almost like New York comedy yeah well I think in New York the audiences are kind of like what do you got prove it so bring it on and you have to be efficient in LA I feel like you know it's a little more laid-back just part of the culture you can kind of talk and flow a little bit you know you can go in and out but in New York it's got to be boom boom a to be a to be a to be or they just check out there's so funny when I started it was the exact opposite really because yeah because the New York style was like Bobby Kelly Godfrey mm-hmm becau reality like a more like conversational mess with Puerto Ricans there's a guy going to jail all right that part of my act now when I first got out here I opened for Drew Carey I'm at the Hollywood improv on Wednesdays that's a big gig it was really great who's the coolest dude I still don't know the guy I never really hung out with him but he thought I was cool and put him up and I remember the first time I was like on stage and my brain went I hope there's a Puerto Rican in here oh [ __ ] I don't have any jokes any like I had like stories yeah stories that were but there were too long-winded I was like I need a setup punt right I need to get a laugh quickly Wow like that was the LA style and New York was this like [ __ ] you know like a big J like yeah [ __ ] with the audience but what about like Dave Attell and he wasn't he around because he's the quickest guy ever you know tell him Hedberg no we're definitely joke guys Gaffigan was a good joke guy there were some yeah there were definitely I mean it's probably the same as in this today yeah that's you're probably right I tell I'd sit in the back of the store or back into the cellar and just I could never do what he did I was like I would be like I my versions of jokes were like it was so bad I was like I really choked with them do you think Papa Smurf's middle name is boner pop a boner Smurf that was my that was the best joke writing I could do uh-huh that's that's funny well it's funny cos Dave Attell you know I'm all comics talk about him he's never done any lists he's never like I'd like to see him on comedians and cars with coffee you know get him in there why is he not part of the the whole comedy it's like cool kid club you know they'll put like Lena Dunham in there something like put Dave Attell in that list yeah I don't I I I don't get I don't get the GQ top ten comics to watch list I've never I know I hate it it's not what it's not what's not representative of who we find funny right right it's who it's who's publicist reach out to them and say yeah exactly exactly yeah it's Aziz number one what are you crazy come on there's some I mean I the thing that blows me away about Aziz I will say this he was not nice to me when I first met him and he and by the way he wasn't famous yeah yeah he was not nice to me as a regular person he's genuine because he was just I mean that sounds horrible but he's just the one minority out of a bunch of white comics at the table and I was like trying to be nice yeah yeah I didn't say that but I was but um but I when he was in that movie comedian or what what's the movie that Seth Rogen and I'm saying Oh funny people yeah funny people that was funny but in a way this is kind of his act you know because that really buddy yells that Randy guy was a little more you know aggressive yeah but yeah I don't I feel like that's that's him yeah but yeah it's funny so we who were the who was is he's an LA guy right yeah these LA but help coming in New York all the time to work out he's there and he does like a lot of bumping yeah so we all just I mean you know I get it he's a star but it's a lot of like Judd Apatow will come to the cellar and he'll put his avails in yeah he's amazed the nicest guy ever he'll be like hey can I come in on Tuesday and 8:30 and they're like sure you got it so you know he's on the list but Aziz just like I'm gonna do 45 when I show up so it kind of screws everybody oh yeah I just leave yeah that happens I just leave I go yeah I guess I'm not gonna be doing stand-up tonight right I just I mean and I don't do it out of like a malicious way like or like oh [ __ ] you like Dean used to do that and I'd be like okay cool man I'm going home yeah look cool I've been waiting to have my dick cocktail right because I don't have a drink until I get on stage I'll bring one with me uh so my bro got on my cocktail I'm going home and I remember Rita hustlin and being like hey don't leave don't leave and I'm like I'm so sorry but that's if I mean if you can't let people not on us and this to Rita I'm like if if the system is they come up and they bump everybody then don't be shocked when the comics that you hired to work that ya don't want to do it yeah what are you supposed to do is wait around for four hours no one bump to the store anymore I'd saw that no one thought that's the coolest know why cuz [ __ ] there's a there the [ __ ] store this is my favorite Judd Apatow story I don't know dude never met him never met him once in my life go to the store get bumped for Apatow but he's but he's on the list they're like hey Judds gonna stop in mm-hmm and he put him in for him 15 minutes fine totally fine totally fine Tosh is there okay yeah Tosh goes up first jug goes up second and then it's my turn and I'm like and you know we bring each other up in the store yeah and I'm like I'm like okay this is gonna be uncomfortable he's gonna mispronounce my name horribly yeah he's gonna he's gonna be like who's the next guy and it's gonna be uncomfortable because he's the stamp of approval in the comedy world you know he's a gold standard of comedy these days Cher and uh and he goes alright that's my time alright I appreciate you guys let me stop in it means a lot you know I love stand-up this next guy is [ __ ] hilarious you're gonna love him he's been on the Travel Channel he's got a show trip flip he's got to show birth conquer oh my god he knew your credits dude I said I was like he could molest a [ __ ] kid and also as soon as he did that I went I was like humbled oh yeah [ __ ] man I will never not know someone's credits on stage yes shut up talking no mind and even know me right did the little bit of legwork on hey the next guy what's his deal and they said it how do I say his name you know yeah what a [ __ ] monster see that's great because a he gives a [ __ ] about comedy and I think Judd I don't know if I should say this but I think he's a little insecure about like look I'm a director I'm famous I'm not a I'm not a comic comic so I think he goes in there kind of like are they gonna accept me even though we're just going to put me in a movie a piece of [ __ ] you know but he's worried about being accepted so he's gonna do the research and also that shows that's a great thing because now you're a big name so now you'll you'll look up and research so I got you to do something better yeah it's like one time I got a call time I never was I'm never on time for call times I never have been yeah and I show up where an Amsterdam and the the owner of the production company is waiting in the van my go what the [ __ ] you doing here he goes call times at 8:00 if you're not earlier late and I went ooh mmm I was like god that's a you know what that that is irresponsible that I just in a weird way I just go five minutes what does it matter yeah you know like ten minutes what is it I'm getting coffee right now and so I when I saw that I went holy I that stuck in my head when he said you're not if you're not early or late I went oh [ __ ] oh yeah you never heard that no I never I never heard that till the day I was late my dad when I was like four 510 511 oh yeah short guy oh thanks a long lifts so so just a curiosity do you what like what is it like because I'm assuming there's fame around you all the time when you're on the road with Amy do you ever like are you ever like kind of someone put me in a movie or no no I don't know I would totally I would end up being like I feel bad but everything I do I always feel like a burden I don't want to bug anybody so I could she's people always say yo for Amy why didn't she have you a writer on the show I'm like cuz she does enough for me I'm on a private jet I'm at her house do I go on a party she feeds me she puts me up like I'm not gonna just go hey how about a writing job you or you know a bother and as she put me in train wreck I got cut out but I was in it okay so I've been on her show like eight times so I mean she does plenty yeah a note for HBO special or a Netflix special her album we with her on the on on when did you start opening for CA he's probably 2008-2009 so you've been on this whole kind of I saw the whole thing I saw the the roast I saw her get her own show I saw the movie we would go out drinking and she would be at home writing the movie at the in the hotel really writing trainwreck ya did just out of curiosity did we party together in Seattle yes I'm eight now it was yeah we went to a strip club that was a great night and you I was so hungover I'm a Rogers like I'm not drinking for four days I'm so hungover and you were like do this shot I was like I can't and you're like do it I was like if I do the shot him appeal can you like do it and I did it and I puked but I kept drinking and then I saw you at the airport at 6 a.m. and yet appeared your hand yeah still drinking yeah it was very impressed yeah that's a yeah well that would that's my mo yeah yeah I I can reward myself I get up early like I got off stage at like 1:00 yet yes two days ago Saturday night or Sunday morning my car picked me up at 4:00 and I said okay I can get like two hours sleep then I'll get myself a cocktail and then and I was like and then that'll right the boat immediately shared a little bit of buzz I'm like oh I'm fine and so have you tried motive pure have you heard of this no I did drunk history and I was talking to the guy who who Ron forget his name but uh Derek Derek waters and he was like I was like look I can't wait do the show but I gotta let you not get the worst hangover his like two-day hangovers they're brutal and he's like oh I got a thing it's called motive pure it's they give it to athletes to stay hydrated he's like I had a hangover in four years I'm like oh my god he's a get him on Amazon go nuts so I ordered a bunch I do drunk history I drink like a third of a bottle of scotch I really go after it and of a bottle of scotch is that a lot I don't know I drink it's like a gold label but I drink a lot of it more than half and I really went hogs I wanted to be funny for the show and he's like here's your motive pure and it's like a little shot I drank it is this it that's it yeah I'm buying a box right now I drank it I can get it by tomorrow there you go so it'll be good for your hangover tomorrow but I put it down and I wake up I've never been more hungover I puke my brains out I was [ __ ] blood I was [ __ ] I was I had a gig that night I had to cancel the gig I couldn't I was like regarding Henry I was in bed I couldn't move my toes I couldn't get out of bed it was brutal oh my god that that that [ __ ] I think you gotta like drink a lot of it or something but I overrode it with the [ __ ] scotch but try you might like it um didn't work for me do you still party oh yeah I'm had a crazy weekend in Columbus great city Oh funny bone yeah yeah great yeah I just saw your I think I was there and I saw your name on the oh yeah yeah yeah I had a black what a fun town that they call the Austin of the Midwest yeah which I don't know seems a little weird but uh good times great club have you gotta go to Liberty Township I'm doing that in two weeks are you really yeah I was just there and I'll tell you the one thing you're gonna that I think every comic notices their [ __ ] sound system is amazing keep hearing that it's the best sound you've ever had great it's like you hear yourself but it's not overwhelming yeah I [ __ ] I love those those two clubs because you can pack them out and you can make like legit money yeah yeah and I hate doing the meet-and-greet after but I just suck it up and I do it and you get a couple numbers and yeah it's it's a cakewalk out there in the Midwest you leave this weekend oh boy oh boy did I you know some curly-haired New Yorker shows up and you look you look exotic out there yeah it's a good time it's fun we that's what what soda was like gap marks numbers do the roof I went hard man you know I was I never got laid in high school and all that so I just put my focus into that and getting late it's a real art form it's a beautiful thing yeah yeah so I just got good at it it was like open mikes I've got shot down for months and months then got better and better then you get on Twitter I mean a tinder and Bumble and that's the game changer so wait so how does it like I'm so far removed from the game oh like when you go on the road is like girls I'm sure there are a lot of girls that have seen you with a me yeah that helps and they come out to the show and I mean it's ten thousand people doing arenas with Amy so it's all women and they can't [ __ ] her so you get quite a trickle down yeah it's it's fishing in an arena yeah it's a good time it's a good time to be alive and comedies hot right now yeah then it's ever been so I'm still young and you don't do your act isn't put isn't a get [ __ ] act not really now cuz that is that is debilitating for comics yeah is there some comics my generation especially I won't say names but I can say them and you go a hundred percent dudes whose Act was built around you guy right the unthreatening guy totally kind of funny but not never anything edgy right and then okay let's let's go yeah yeah and they ruin their they ruined their careers you think so oh I can name names I won't but I'll type it in this interesting you and you'll go and you'll go yeah 100% I mean I notice if it's a kill you could be talking about like how you hate Jews if you're killing it's the women are on board yeah but there's like there's guys like this guy oh and yeah he's a hot guy yeah yeah and and you just go oh man he should have done more yeah he was hilarious yeah and the only the reason is he just everybody want to get laid so he like you never challenge yourself as a comment yeah right I say things on stage that even with my fans people that are paid to see me that I go like I know this is I'm gonna lose some people on this right even people that are on board with everything I say I'm gonna lose some people but if you don't do that then you're not challenging yourself good for you you gotta do it and there's people that don't they just go like there was a big thing at the store there was a whole group of guys at the store just wanted to get [ __ ] so they never worked on their act they just learned how to crush right and then they were like now once I've crushed that's all we got right so mmm no I mean he's still gotta be a comedian at the end of the day so talk tell me about that when you got caught how did you get oh boy it was brutal man it was a like iPhones were still kind of new and I was in the shower and I was always on edge you know like I got an almost caught like 800 times we've gotten out of it how did you cheated a lot yeah pretty much every weekend you know really yeah it was bad because we weren't [ __ ] because we were hit we were sick of each other but it was still like you shouldn't cheat and almost got caught a bunch and I would just deny deny deny and then I'm in the shower one day everything's going great good relationship birds are chirpin sun's out and I'm showering up whistling and my phone lifts lights up on the coffee table she's watching TV and a naked picture pops up and it's some blonde chick that I banged who knows where and she had no pass code then cuz it was kind of a new phone and I she opens it up and starts reading the thread and it was like man we did this and we did that and was so hot I want to do this again I want to gargle that and suck on this and swallow that and just be saying [ __ ] like I can't wait to do this again and pull that and yank that and fist this and so the [ __ ] bathroom door kicks open she pulls the curtain back and I remember being like hey coming in and she just showed me the phone it was the picture of the naked girl and to drop the phone in the tub and I'm like oh [ __ ] so I grab the phone I jump out naked I'm just like in the living room like come on what are you crazy she's not [ __ ] her and she's like I read the whole thing [ __ ] you I knew I knew it I knew it and I'm you know you're naked when you're naked you look you look like an idiot you know you're naked wet it's like the flip flop lacerum Forgetting Sarah Marshall that was it after that then we tried to work it out but it was never the same and six months later was done yeah and I sorry we lived together and I just moved out and I was like keep the plays I paid half the rent just try to be a good guy at a guilt and I just couch-surf for like a year really yeah I [ __ ] everything in that year I mean I I banged a chick in a homeless shelter I was going on the road as much as I could it was a crazy store I was I met a girl to show I got her number we met up like a week later I went to a bar called alligator lounge where you get a free pizza with every drink so I met up met up with his girl and she's just wolf and down these pizza slices putting him down she was like a cute blonde chick and I was like you alright she's like I gotta be honest I'm homeless and I go what I'm homeless so we started bonding on the homeless thing and then she told me she's in a shelter and I'm like oh so we're making out we're making out and then she pulls me away and goes wouldn't be crazy if we went to my shelter and I was like yeah yeah go back to making out go back to making out pounding booze pounding booze before I know it were in a cab on the way to the shelter and that's a funny moment by the way being in a cab to a homeless shelter so we get there it's way out in Brooklyn big stone building and she's like I just realized they're not gonna let you in it's pretty regulated you know so this this guy in the front you have to like be buzzed into this huge gate big metal gate that slides over he goes you know so she has this big hobo key to the shelter it's like a key with a like a hubcap on it and she's like maybe you could go in and just act like you own the place going with the key and just walk right in you won't have to sign in I was like alright that's that's good so I go in I go up homeless you know tough riding the rails you know I'm swinging the key and the guys like yeah yeah whatever it's 4:00 in the morning and she just walks in and goes hey I'll sign in cuz she's actually there so they know her so she goes whatever you do don't get caught I'm on the third floor the women's floor you get caught on the women's floor you'll go to jail cuz like you know I can't go up and rape women yeah a bunch of hobos up there you know and I remember I walked in there was this big pit it was just big floor it was full of people on cots people in sleeping bags feel crying people screaming people like kind of wrestling it was it was wild babies crying was crazy and I go up to the third floor and I run to her room and I opened the door swing the door open and it's got two cots on the wall jail style stains on the walls just shitty cracked window and I was like oh my gosh she comes in like ten minutes later we have crazy hobo sex we go at it thank God had a rubber who does where she's been and the next morning I had this crazy like beer piss I had to get out of me like booze piss so I had the big stomach and I was like I got a peach like you can't go to the bat you'll get caught and go I gotta go it's an emergency so I get the key I run to the bathroom I'm peeing and a girl comes in I'm in the stall a girl comes in the bathroom oh [ __ ] so I've just sit down and pee you know so she doesn't know I'm a guy and she's just dropping [ __ ] soup cans in there I mean this girl next to me a hobo [ __ ] and I just pulled my pants up and get the hell out of there I give her a key back I said thanks thanks for nothing I run home that's [ __ ] it was wild yeah that's [ __ ] insane yeah sometimes what so at the time you're couchsurfing where are you meeting people oh I would just drink it shows every night and just kind of tinder a lot of tinder a lot of bumble and I would bumble all day you know and then be like all right we'll meet a date I got a show at 7:00 with me tonight and that was it then hopefully if that worked out I would sleep at her place you know oh yeah so you just leave your luggage at a friend's house I was on Staten Island I was in Queens Brook and I was all over the [ __ ] not within comedy at the time the same guys same girl yeah they're all still starting to help together yeah I mean this was not that long as but three years ago yeah yeah yeah 33 god damn it so this isn't this is like 2013 ish yeah 2014 yeah so okay so oh that you had that girlfriend that whole [ __ ] whole time my whole twenties gone yeah it was wild what was it when when you got when you got back into the game was sleeping with chicks what was the thing that you noticed like I always had a hard time Dane told me this one time he's like you can't shut it off like I could never turn it off oh you can mmm really hard time turning it off yeah the comet can me so when I get to the hotel room when I get to the back to my mean it's been so long I guess back to my house with the girl I would keep [ __ ] going oh no yeah come on how do you turn it off I would turn it up because I'm I'm a pretty introverted guy like I know oh yeah oh yeah I'm a big big introvert big anxiety riddled weirdo all kinds of anxiety I had anxiety on the way here you know how's it gonna go anything you don't know how it's gonna go a lot of anxiety really oh I'm a mess I can fake it pretty well ten thousand hours I'm an expert but yes I'm a mess so like that was the hardest part to me was seeming confident and cool because the whole time just going does she like me does she like but if she liked me oh my god she hates me I'm an idiot I'm not that tall I got a medium dick I wish I was bigger you know just freaking out about everything and yeah I mean I think when you kind of break open and become more real with the chick that's when you're gonna get laid yeah I don't know I wouldn't I wouldn't know what to do now yeah well booze is the booze is like 80% of it any star drink is for me the hard part was good I just wanted to [ __ ] them yeah you know I hate to be that guy but I'm like I just want to [ __ ] you you're I just want to make love to you lady come on with the talking how many times you know oh yeah get out of here you're in sales come on what are you crazy yeah you hate your mom I know I get it you're cats you love that cat how many times could he do that you know and was that every night so yeah there's a lot of who's that helped and because the the the moment from small talk to [ __ ] is that's that's an art that is not easy yeah so that was that's what you're really learning how to do that's crazy yeah that was good times I [ __ ] love I'd loved it so so do you have anxiety about the special well the special it was it's already done it's in the can i added it myself that hold it yeah that was bruce fantastic oh my previous really was my i was laying in bed with my wife i'm watching it going [ __ ] i don't have enough jokes in my act that's all i was thinking i was like i was like you know [ __ ] i was like i was like there's a there's a real value in being able to get in and out of something right yes I completely agree I love an ending you love knowing where it ends and then starting a new thing someone said that to me this past weekend or two weekends ago in Calgary I said I said I've never really gotten an applause break in a in an in a a set mm-hmm and and I I didn't realize this kid's been doing stand-up for [ __ ] four years the guy I'm working with I remember James Kennedy is his name he's Canadian he's by the way he's so amazingly talented really he doesn't realize why he's talented but he's just because he's very authentic yeah this says things that really happened to him and you can you can taste it you know you can be like oh that he really did get busted skateboarding like oh yeah right and so he said to me very insightful he goes well the reason they're clapping is because they knew it was over and I went because I've never gotten applause Brady I've never gotten an applause break on a joke ever I've never like you see dudes do Conan yeah and they say something in the name they're like thank you and you're like that's odd yeah I've never done that I've never gotten X I don't write jokes that are that finish you know lately yeah I got like I would I'll do a long weaving thing about my wife where it's like like I have a joke right now that it's but it's more stories I got this ziplining story that's like 10 minutes so when I start it and by the way I don't even know if you know it's over I just keep going I weave into something else right I let that be my jumping-off point for the next thing but this one joke I did it has a defined ending and I went you're right like yeah and letting them know you're in and out of something yes is really [ __ ] valuable it's huge it's the tada yeah that's it you got to have it and and I was watching your acting that my wife's laying in bed next to me and I wish I could remember the [ __ ] joke but she started howling [ __ ] laugh Wow in the middle of your set it's like 22 minutes in figured out that means a lot to me I can't believe even watched it just course they didn't that's crazy yeah my manager sent it over when I said it's a girl I'll be very honest I think I said it to a few people I'm gonna send it to Rogan - oh my god you guys have a good crew we were good there's a it's a good pacient I think that uh I think that's Rogan is the one that kind of was like I know for a fact when I had a falling-out with a guy then and Rogan was just one night was this very we're both a little high a little drunk and he was just like hey man you know you don't have to have shitty relationship she can have good friends and like there was a lot of people that want to be your friend you just gotta allow them to be your friend because I'm very closed off I wouldn't I do have a really hard time making friends really a social guy I'm very I'm very uh it's the same thing I can't turn it off like I'm very fun but this is off right yeah yeah this is off but this is this is different oh why I like my podcast it's cuz I get to hang out like if I saw you at the club I'd be like what's up mark especially I love the special yeah so cool man yeah so so just whatever we did at the very beginning I would I do that then I'd be on my way right I'm the same way the same way cuz you're like I don't know where it's gonna go what if it gets weird what if I bother him you know so you just get out as soon as you can so it's the reason you know that that night in Portland was so much fun I knew Amy very well right we were like we did a TV show together but we lived together in that TV show right like what five weeks or whatever yeah she loves you and then we we we used to let her stay at my house Wow so my wife we'd go out of town my wife would call Amy and go hey we're gonna be out of town for a month if you want our house come out and do auditions yeah and then when we were in town she stayed with my sisters and so we went and so there's not a ton of pee and I can be that I that I'm I let my guard down Rogan Ari Tommy Joey but like that by the way that list just happened like five years ago isn't that so funny yeah it just happened yeah you always hear what these guys like I'm gonna meet my high school chum we're going on for a few dream like high school chum I got rid of them years ago yeah that's crazy yeah I mean i sat with rogue in the other night at the store and talked and I was supposed to go to roast battle and we just ended up talking for like an hour I love that and then I was like I missed doing roast battle [ __ ] [ __ ] that I'd much rather this conversation yes I'd much rather like because you don't get that a ton right and you don't get on the road much like no I'm the same way I mean in New York those seller hangs those diner hangs our Sookie I mean it'll be 5:00 in the morning I'm like I have a 6:00 a.m. flight or whatever whatever and you just can't leave it's so hard to leave your friends and you're like I'll just stay up all night [ __ ] it oh I started thinking um I was like I was like I think I'm gonna go out to New York I think i'ma just go out to New York for like weekends or like tweak days to like hang out with people over there because I hung out with so do this last week mmm dude we talked no life for four hours a day yeah lunch and we talked for four hours that's the best for [ __ ] hours and then and then go go like go we'll see you tomorrow and then we just do it again and I was like dude I could do this I love big J because they weren't even being high let's go out do bonfire I'll do I'll do sim Jim and Sam yeah and then and then Opie or whatever and just [ __ ] bump around yeah and go and hang out at the diner I was like maybe I'll stay on our couch yeah and I'm I'm a grown-up I have kids but that is so valuable oh it's key it's almost this sounds weird it's almost like [ __ ] cuz it's like you never get laid then when you [ __ ] that girl you're like we're gonna [ __ ] all night yeah it's the same with talking cuz you never get that interaction we're on our phones all day we're talking to crowds that's empty you know but when you talk to that other comic and you're really gelling oh my god it's it really is it's like my favorite part of the of the it's my favorite part of the business because I I remember coming up in a time when I wanted to be I was the I would say the the at most epic time ever in comics hanging out was the seller yeah when when it was Keith Robinson Patrice it was like add Apollo's and not all that was that was that was the impetus of tough ground yes and I was there for that but I was I was brand-new I was still like an open mic or technically it was a most terrified working the door at the Boston comedy club I just hang out listen yeah but I wanted to be in that I wanted to be in the conversation yes I always wanted to have the conversation but throwing that first sentence that was terrifying because they would just [ __ ] on it if it was stupid you know I never did it yeah like knew what I didn't know Patrice but I'd watched him a few times and I was a huge fan but I saw one time this guy went up to him and he was wearing like a yellow like raincoat and he goes hey Patrice buddy he was a comic I didn't know who he was because like hey Patrice what's shakin buddy and producer mr. Gordon fishstick asked that I was like oh my god it's hilarious but I could never do it I could never say hi to him up to to nervous yeah I got lucky Patrice was never really I mean I don't know I don't really know the truth but he was never really in at the cellar like yeah like his band a lot whose band a lot and I got to hang out with him so I worked the door at the Boston comedy club we're doing stand-up when that was around I did the boss and a few just the open mikes um and he would always hang out out front at the Boston and so I got to know Patrice I'd say really well just because every night by the way it's like I always say like I I was I could I became fans of people before they were famous mmm like I [ __ ] knew Patrice me Bobby and Bill all of us knew Patrice was the funniest man alive yeah way before anyone else did right way but I mean I watched him he had a joke about Michael J Fox you ever hear this joke he's like man I see Michael J Fox up on TV with Muhammad Ali and this [ __ ] is trying to out shake the champ he goes I wish you just be genuine in that moment he's like we raised all this money for ms whatever he had was have Parkinsons Parkinson's you think I'd love someone in the audience just to be like Michael that's fantastic but what about AIDS and cancer as well the problem with AIDS and cancer is I don't have that [ __ ] you see this hand shaking this a nice brother [ __ ] I mean I don't think he ever released it on a special yeah thing is just him a throw away he told me a story about the cool kid in this neighborhood Tony and how Tony picked up girls and how he learned how to pick up girls through Tony but he had this these were his words this gorillas isms to his like Tony would go up and like tap the girls in the back of the neck now so I just go I might just [ __ ] pound this [ __ ] he's Eve man he was really one of the true oh yeah and I wish he was still around cuz he would have a whole new angle on Trump like that no one else is thought of and that would be and it's so politically incorrect but still genius you know and that would be fun to hear what's uh who are the first guys when you got to the city that you just blew your mind you're like oh man some guys don't even get talked with like Nick Griffin is amazing yeah talk about joke writing my god that guy's killer he's clean and he's got his character down so well and he is that guy that divorced sad guy he blew my mind and you know obviously like 10 augs and row I loved I mean there was a ton of guy I feel we talking too much comedy we talked to a shop alright I'm worried about the listeners no no [ __ ] see that's the anxiety great conversation but I'm like what do you think the listeners want to hear I assume they just want to hear like you know fun party stuff you know we're getting pretty inside here badly they like this part right now more than anything weird they don't know [ __ ] Ted Alexander is or maybe Patrice know they know they definitely know who Patrice okay definitely know they probably don't know tella alexandra is yeah but I mean Todd Barry was huge in Griffin is either probably which is sad but he's amazing dude I toured with Nick we did this thing called the Jameson comedy tour me Billy Gardell Steve Byrne Nick Griffin Danny Bevins P Corey Ellie and Nik no cuz I've met I wish I'd known him I heard it when he was it he was a drunk I really yeah no he was sober and we go the first date I do with his in Tampa and I go up into the green room and he's in the green green room and I always had a problem with shirts so I think I took my shirt off just to hang out mhm and he was like it's in there and I gotta start talking and he goes out I'm gonna let you know I'm not gonna talk Wow and I went okay because I just want you to know that I'm not gonna be speaking yeah I don't want to talk and I went okay I go hey just so you know I'm still gonna talk good we're fine I just kept talking he just sat nodding his head he is he found out our tour manager and [ __ ] Penn Jillette and he lost his [ __ ] mind it was so [ __ ] funny he's a cool guy it really is [ __ ] hilarious yeah I mean just efficient brilliant writing and he just put out a special so that show did he check that out yeah well he filmed it I don't know where it's gonna be but he put it out himself and that's the cool thing about the way specials are the accessibility to them these days it seems like there's more yeah and everyone goes old some sort of somebody's like Netflix putting out 120 spun out and crazy and you're like yeah who gives a [ __ ] I still get to find great comedy yeah but Gary Gulman is a perfect example he's a special is [ __ ] phenomenal yeah and because there's a lot of outlets he gets to keep doing stand-up that's that's how it works now is like we all get to keep doing stand-up like I'm shoot my next special in February and I'm like I'm like yeah and by the way even if no one wants to buy it I'll just put it out on YouTube yeah [ __ ] I've been in the same way if that's the cuz I can't get better if I don't do another special right right and it's more content who gives you this is like another movie coming out great they keep coming did you drop all your material from the special I'm still doing it on the road just to fill the time but I'm probably gonna new 30 so I'm like halfway there okay but it's tough man it's you just that transition period from when you shoot it right it comes out right and then even i stopped i started when i did my special i was so tired of that material that I was like please anything and I and the very first joke I started writing dude can I tell you something really sad I shared out this weekend how to become a good comic so this is maybe the tip for me it's just for me but uh I have to work on a story for one year I have to work on one story for one year takes one year for that story to get good you know doing it every night I have to do it every time I got and and I mean the Machine took the machine so it took me four years to figure out Wow yeah and so Jesus and by the way I just did a [ __ ] tag in it this week so I still telex everyone still chance it out and so I did a tag in it this week that made me I was like why didn't I see this in four [ __ ] years rating that's why people don't get about comedy it's so hard and jokes never really end yeah and then and then I go like even like this this zip line story was the first one I put the special out I recorded the special and then I went on vacation with my family and we went ziplining and I went alright here's the news here's my next story yeah that was a year ago it almost almost almost exactly a year ago and now it's it was doing really well hey it takes me like a year like the one story I'm telling on are a storytelling show I've been working on this story for probably two years mmm and so I'm like alright this is have you done already storytelling I did I bombed I feel horrible about it do you really want I have a it's a great story but had no ending and Ari was like all he needs a good ending just don't worry about this or have a good ending but what's the story I had sex with my screenwriting teacher and I worked at a New York Film Academy and one of the teachers there it's a long story but basically my shower didn't work in Crown Heights so I was I went like a week without showering I smelled like [ __ ] my boss said you got a shower you can't come in and so I was going on yeah it was bad I couldn't do it because I was doing sets at night then I'd wake up you know you go get home at 3:00 in the morning you have to wake up at 7:00 for work so you know we run out of there and we had no hot water we had no electricity in our apartment every now and then so it was snowing out it was too cold to take a cold shower and so eventually I put a [ __ ] pot on the stove i boiled it in the dark and I was like I'm just gonna take a [ __ ] bath in the kitchen get it over with the lights click on after I done showering my [ __ ] roommate cook stove top stuffing in the in the pot so I've now I'm covered in Bo and like spices and [ __ ] and herbs but it was too late I had to go to work so I just run out that's what like Thanksgiving so I remember getting on the train it was the 4 train it was all you know was the only white guy and black guys like standing over like with water and turn out it was dark so I didn't know is covered for corn nuts and [ __ ] cornbread a home-cooked meal yeah now I'm desperate I get to work I'm covered in this film and I got like a little parsley pieces on me so I go up to everybody and one lady the screenwriting teacher mrs. Fritz will call her I go hey look can I show her your place you go sure I don't care and I was like oh my god she was like kind of cute like 40 40 year old and quirky weird earrings big beehive kind of thing hairdo and she was like yeah sure just come over but I haven't having a dinner party it's at 8:00 so if you don't mind getting out and I was like you got it whatever so I get there like 6:00 I bring a bottle of wine to be nice I get there she is a beautiful apartment in Brooklyn Oh like I'll [ __ ] spread on the table just crazy setup dishes glassware the placemats I'm like oh my god she's like eight things going on the stove bubbling I'm like oh my god she's really doing this so I can I go hey look I'll take a shower I'll be out of your hair no problem she goes sure sure but have a glass of wine we don't really know each other I have a glass of wine we have two lads wine three last one we're talking about life and love and philosophy we're going at it and I was like look it's it's 7:10 I gotta get in that shower she goes all right all right well are you hungry and I'm like I guess I'll have a bowl she made pie a I was like yeah I've been I've been eatin good in three weeks I'll take a bowl place and now I'm eating the pie yeah we have another glass why I'm like hey look lady it's 7:30 I gotta get the hell out of you having a dinner party date so she's like alright alright so I get in the shower and I'm hammered at this point I meant like six glass of wine and we're being in the shower washing my body and be like this is so nice then I go am I gonna [ __ ] this woman no what are you kidding get out of here it's [ __ ] you know twenty minutes so people show up so I got a shower now it's like seven forty eight you know I'm like scurrying like all right I gotta go thank you guys have one more glass I'm like alright and she's like let me give you a tour of the apartment we're walking around her apartment she showed me knickknacks and whatever now we're standing up on her couch looking at a painting on the wall and we're both looking at we're like face to face and she goes you know what and I go what's that she goes I want you to come in my face swear to God well you to come in my face I go alright and now we're just going at it we're on the floor rolling around knocking coffee tables over and all this [ __ ] just [ __ ] and she pulled this string or something and all the lights went out in her apartment and we're just going at it and it was nighttime just hot dark sex I wake up the next morning there's blood everywhere she was she was on her period and I mean I just didn't notice because of the dark it was just [ __ ] beet red crime scene thing yeah and I had worked the next morning so I just had to like so I went from being the cleanest I've ever been so now I'm covered in the uterine lining so I did just put on clothes and go go to work and I remember on the way out she was like don't you tell anybody I was like alright I won't and I of course I told everybody right but yeah that was it that was my story [ __ ] great but yeah I bombed it on stage didn't I'm not a story guy so I you know I freaked out a lot yeah I can tell I'm here but on stage I need those beets you know I'm a joke guy so I it wasn't good well it's so funny if I had your ability I think I'd be a much better story guy I find your ability I'd be a better story guy no I know it's so funny I was like I was saying to someone the other day I was like yeah I totally forget that you need jokes inside the story some yeah like sometimes for me I go if I can work it backwards if I can get a good ending Laurie and I talked about this a lot if you can get a good ending to a story you can [ __ ] it figure it out yeah but but then like how this joke about I was one of the stories that will be problem all my special that I'm working on is about the time I jumped off the stratosphere Oh jump off stratosphere in Vegas yeah yeah holy [ __ ] so is it skin cuz I I got it all I'm doing Vegas in two weeks and they said hold on you get a free stratosphere jump and I could I pushed out I couldn't do it hold on hold on one second are you doing craps you come yes I can tell is going it's gonna be a good crew yeah but I'm only there Friday night all right well I'll see you believe I gotta leave and go to I'm going to Bisbee to do something with Stanhope oh wow Saturday afternoon fun yeah but uh but I guess we all leave Thursday yeah are you leaving out of LA now New York to Vegas on Thursday okay and then I arrived at all be there right in the morning Oh in Thursday yeah oh good good I think we leave here we leave here at like noon or something mm-hmm yeah [ __ ] so excited that's gonna it's a good group good group that's gonna be a [ __ ] show it's gonna be [ __ ] insane yeah but are you I couldn't do this transfer I wish doubt I've been scared of heights it's not that bad come on I'm gonna go I'm gonna go see but I'm not I can't do it I just thinking about it freaks me out what do you did you did they make you pick activities to do yeah I'm doing like the roulette I'm doing the buffet doing basically everything but the stratosphere I mean stratosphere in my opinion it is you know it's it's less about the freefall of the jump it's more about the actual jumping itself I always say that it's one thing to say you've been bungee jumping into it to go bungee jumping in leap off a bridge yes that's the difference like I I called him now I guess you can't say this but [ __ ] knees I said a lot of people jump and they just kind of crumble off them yes yes we fall off of it but the last bungee jump I did I left oh my god it's a very different sensation but that that stratosphere jump the hard part is getting off the edge yeah that's the that's the hole but you got once you fall it's it's not that was 16 seconds it's not about 16 seconds it's an eternity yeah but you know what it's a really cool 16 seconds where you clear your mind I'm really it's no thoughts it's just like [ __ ] I'm doing it a real a real a moment of a realization of dreams like because all the day you do it I'd only say to do it this is the reason I'd say to do it is that the day leading up you'll be so scared and you'll realize all the things you want out of life interests harder you will go [ __ ] this why am I doing this well I really give a [ __ ] about writing good jokes yes I'll give a [ __ ] about is hanging out with my kids I don't want to all I want to do is just go on a bike ride with my kids that's what's fun to me yeah [ __ ] jumping off a building right and then when you when you jump as you fall and you realize you're not gonna die it's a realization of those dreams and you go oh [ __ ] I get to go bike riding with my kids I could nah I get to eat pizza like things I wanted out of life and then when you land there's no better feeling skydiving's even a little better in this sense that Rachel Rachel is all she's like oh yeah and she's like yeah when you get done you'll feel like you have a secret no one knows Wow Rachel Ray who knows she'd be the wise one here she's uh she's pretty pretty cool check really yeah it's pretty cool you'll have fat chicks are cool they're always the coolest one do you find yourself you find that you have to be edited in any sense of the way and that Ami's becomes a spokesman for for liberal that part's tough is it well because you know she's my friend I'm getting so much [ __ ] by the way about Amy Schumer presents all red it blew up what are you doing mark come on I'm like she's my friend common sense wouldn't give me a special unless she did it so she's helped me out yeah like don't you should be high-fiving her you know a fan of mine but uh I'm getting so much [ __ ] but it's she gets it like an ungodly amount of [ __ ] oh my god like I talked to Jim to word about this he's like I get more [ __ ] about being friends with her than anything and he's like I've blown dudes and people give me more [ __ ] about being friends with Amy Schumer that's great that's great so much hate I don't know if it's like a woman thing because she's a woman or the Trump stuff or the gun stuff I guess that doesn't help but man people give me [ __ ] and she gets more [ __ ] and she's still smiling still walking still doing great and she's like tough broad yeah it's that would break me we would would like I went through that fat shaming [ __ ] with segura yeah and I was getting a great deal of like real like a lot of jokes but then real hate like I didn't know we were friends just dead her fans of Seguros he's so much bigger than me now that especially at the time I think a lot of people know we're friends now but at the time people just like you who the [ __ ] is his fat comedian Oh burnt Chrysler and they would say sometimes it's sugar got it too cuz there were parts there were parts of our fans like I think we share probably I mean let's just say a hundred thousand fans there's a let's say I have a hundred thousand fans sewers probably got a million if I have a hundred thousand screws got a million five hundred thousand of that hundred thousand we share definitely seven hundred fifty thousand okay anyone who's a fan of mine yeah also a fantasy girl right right but so out of his group like a hundred thousand there's a big group that just were just like yeah [ __ ] this guy and then there were a big group of my fans and our fans mutually that are like [ __ ] you Tom I'm like why are you doing this to him not knowing that we're talking on the phone every single day and we're comparing notes and we're talking about trying to lose weight right then you know they don't know how close we actually are but I in the middle I was getting fat shamed one day it was really really bad really a my age and her manager called me as a man you're trending about fat shaming and it was the three people were me Ke$ha and Amy Oh Mike hilarious it was about five something to do with fat shaming yeah and I guess I think Amy had posted a picture of herself coming out of the ocean and Keshet posted a picture of her ass I didn't read Amy's cuz I don't really care to read I don't really care to read the comments yeah only based on the fact that I started reading Kesha's and it was it hurt me what people were saying about her let's see it's harder for a woman David don't like why'd you [ __ ] up your face and you're always gonna be like and I'm like I'm going where is this joy where yeah all right yes that's what hurts the most like you're just trying to hurt me that's what stings not the fact that the words it's the fact that you want me to hurt that's weird to me oh I was like and then one's gonna try to write a bit about fat shaming so I'm going through it yeah man I was too [ __ ] close to the flame anytime anything I said was like people like it's like if you talk about if you if I don't know ever talk about something on stage and you you it's real so then you share something that kind of creeps over when hey yeah totally like what the [ __ ] yeah she's tough I mean you're right about she's super uh feminist II like one time she was Amy was like well I have to side with her she's a girl and I'm everything like that's his ignorant what if I did that Oh Trump's a guy white guy you know you know that's what happened in that election yeah of course is there were there were guys that watched things like a little Enid I have a real tough time listening to Lena Dunham who doesn't I I and I know that her name your friends yeah part of me is like there's got to be something good about the chick but man she [ __ ] like just the Odell Beckham [ __ ] can't that was bad it's you know my buddy Kroy was a hardcore [ __ ] these are my views and one of his views was don't ever polarize yourself don't ever stand in one thing because once you say I'm liberal everyone's racist I'm afraid right and you do something a little racist a little [ __ ] sexist yeah then everyone's like Oh [ __ ] burner exactly exhibits the problem with the left and I'm a liberal guy but the left they they're so hypocritical you know they're like hey you can't fat shame the next joke is look how fat Trump is and then yeah hey you can't [ __ ] shame but this guy's [ __ ] everybody what a piece of [ __ ] look at this [ __ ] Melania is a [ __ ] it's like well what your your morals are all skewed you won't you won't stick to one thing you only [ __ ] on the people you don't accept yeah so you're still [ __ ] up you're just doing it to people you consider bad yeah I don't I I don't get offended I just don't get it I don't either you cannot offend me and I will not and if any I will laugh at anything of it's funny right any same here aids miscarriage whatever bring it on I love it yeah you name it and and that's I think that's where I think I don't know I can't imagine I I mean I can't imagine what Amy had to go through because it was like all of a sudden all she was just a comic for like for like [ __ ] the major part of time and then I think she gave like a speech and every woman attached to it that's what I what I saw was she gave like some speeches something and it was really moving it was very honest and very vulnerable just like a [ __ ] comic would and everyone jumped on then she was like [ __ ] and then there were a bunch of people that weren't even like fans they were just like and then as soon as that happened everyone who on the other side is like [ __ ] her yeah yeah yeah well I mean it's how it goes in America you're up here and then we'd love to tell you back down like a Ronda Rousey and I mean it happens all the time they love unless like I was saying to someone you know who they like the nerve oh I was figured like it's better to be a journeyman comic or you just are good good comic yeah making money and you're not famous and then one day you blow up right as opposed to like Chris Rock yeah I know like just work and work and work and work and blows up and then almost feel like you're in because once you have this meteoric rise like like saying a me or an Aziz or like somebody just like out of nowhere is like [ __ ] all over the Internet yeah I think people just want like Dane yeah look at Dane now Jesus that's night and day [ __ ] blows me away night and day so like what are you so just out of curiosity what do you see is like a party story like oh geez like when you're coming over here and like and you're like okay well like we'll say the virginity story is pretty crazy that's not really a party though really will you hear yours mines fun Oh mines wait how was it fun and to say it's a wild time I've told this on a bunch of POD so I'll make it short but it was New Year's Eve Eve of the millennium so show her 30 or 29th of y2k yo so we're like I we got a big party on New Year's Eve in this field in New Orleans but this night we'll go to the French Quarter go to Bourbon Street Holder in that hole to you I was 16 okay so uh we go I think exactly ten years one of these I was 20 I was 25 when it nears oh they're yeah 25 or 26 at New Year's Eve yeah so uh we go to we go to Bourbon Street you know a couple local kids yucking it up and this is before cell phones really so it's me and I think five guys and two guys go we just got fake IDs we're gonna go get daiquiris the daiquiris in New Orleans are a big thing and we're like all right and we just lose them that was it they were just gone yeah boom that's that was the 90s and just disappear just disappear you'll awesome we're like where'd they go ah [ __ ] we looked around for 10 minutes and they were gone [ __ ] so then then now it's being two friends and we're walking around this woman is on the on the balcony flashing which is pretty you know par for the course but she was kind of hot and just flashing freely she had a leather jacket with no shirt under it I remember it was pretty hot and she looked kind of like a like a Jennifer Aniston after a fistfight I'd say and we keep staring at her and she goes she looks down because you guys want to come up and we're like [ __ ] yeah yeah let's do it hold is she I'd say 45 oh wow yeah but she looked good still she was hanging in there and she'd seen a few winters but you know she was hanging and so we go we try to go over to the Romagna hotel we try to go up and the guy goes you can't come in if you're not a guest so we go back we look up at her we they won't let us in she goes I'm coming down we're like oh my god you know as a kid back then is it a teenage no what no adults gave you the time of day so this is crazy that she's talking to us so she comes down she's very maternal like how you kids doing you guys want to come on throw some beads you feeling good we're like a house woman doesn't want to do anything yeah and so my friend is like nudging me he was like just say something just ask her what's the what he got to lose so I just go hey look lady I don't I don't want to go into mm a virgin and she puts her hand on my shoulder and goes well I won't let you and I was like oh my god so she's like she brings us into the hotel she goes puts us in the elevator and she just go to room 239 and then the doors closed she's not in there and we just go punch each other shoulder head locks oh my god so we got out of the elevator we go to room 239 we wait 10 minutes 20 minutes 30 minutes like what the [ __ ] we're just sitting on the floor now finally she walks up I don't know what she was doing finally she walks up she opens the door this is an old man with a white beard and a harley-davidson hat and a leather jacket just sitting in a chair staring at the door and he goes which one is it and she goes him when she points to me he goes all right and we're like what the [ __ ] is this and she goes he goes you two the old guy goes you two come out on the balcony I got a I got a case of beer out there and a cooler and my friends are like should we go oh my god just go [ __ ] it whatever so they go outside he closes the French doors behind him she walks up and shuts the blinds so they're out there and I they're out of my life so now she's like alright so how do you want to do this and I was you know young cocky kid I go well take a blow job first and she goes I don't give [ __ ] and I remember saying you you pick up kids off the street but don't get blow job she didn't like that and she goes anything else so they go what are you clean she goes do you want to do this or not my first time never been [ __ ] never been blown whatever so I remember she said you want to make yourself a little more comfortable and I said alright I had a jacket on a button-down and an undershirt and I took the jacket off you know and I'm laying on her bed and jeans and she's like well I'm gonna go in the bathroom first thing and she comes out completely naked with just socks on and we're being like oh my god a naked woman it was it was crazy good Bobby great body she had the the ski slopes like the banana tits that was kind of weird but they were fine and she had the worst breath in the world - I remember but we're going at it and she goes you have a condom and just like out of a movie had the condom from the 40s you know and she's like hang on she opened the nightstand drawer it's just Lube dildo is condoms French ticklers vibrators I was like oh my god what am I getting into and she she put the condom on me and I remember I put my put my dick through the boxer holes I was too nervous about her seeing my balls for some reason yeah I don't know why and we [ __ ] for hours maybe like two hours I never came I was too nervous we mean you never kid I never came I was just so like blown away the whole time but I'd never finished and she after it I think because she's I was a younger guy could last and she was like we got to do this again I was like I can I can't she's like come on what are you doing tomorrow and I had this wave of shame I was like I gotta get the hell out of here and I open the door to the balcony my friends fall in there hammered and they're one of my friends because I got sloppy seconds I'm like that I'm just yanking about we we we get the hell out of there we go to my friend's house we pass out and the phone rings like 7:00 a.m. and and I answer the phone which is that's very 90s - is a landline I'm answering my friend's phone you would never see that down yeah so I answer my friend's phone and it's my two friends we lost and they go you're not gonna leave it happen to me I'm like it happen to me and they go we've met these two swimmers from UCLA we [ __ ] him and I'm like I [ __ ] a horn she didn't charge me so and that was I was king of high school for like two months after really yeah oh that's [ __ ] crazy virginity and that was in New Orleans own New Orleans is a wild town that was [ __ ] insane yeah no girlfriend at the time no no I was like a nerd you know just a skinny skateboard kid do you skateboard I did yeah I was pretty good really oh yeah Oh blows like my whole life before comedy really yeah so oh my god that's [ __ ] insane yeah I was a wild man I love those moments like like I was with Bobby Kelly and um in in Arizona me Bobby Kelly and there are two agents at the time a guy named Matt Frost and a guy named frosty yeah I'm at frosting this guy Vincent Nash three very very very fun guys we were just we just rented a Winnebago we drove around though we wanted to see the West we had never seen the West Bobby or I or those guys so we just drove all the way through Utah that's great it was really great we're in a um we're at a hotel in Arizona was it was it by the Lake Havasu and there's a woman on a balcony mm-hmm and um sitting talking to all the guys and I just kind of catch eyes with her and she she's maybe six stories up yeah she's in a red dress and she just goes they puts her finger to her lips Wow and I'm looking at her and she shakes her head no and then Jewish so I'm just staring at her uh-huh she pulls her dress up ah close me and then puts it back down and goes oh my god like what the [ __ ] and they she walked inside and I go you guys did you guys see that yeah like what and I go that girl just [ __ ] just me and flash me and they're like no I didn't like are you [ __ ] so hot so I wonder if that I wonder if your sexual imprinting what time you got to be out of here you gotta be out of here at uh they told me 10 10 15 going on I got a crazy day what do you got pitching a TV show right after this at TBS then I'm not doing judo who to tea a [ __ ] I don't ok then I'm doing at midnight and then I'm doing another pitch after that with Comedy Central nice uh if it's give me some name I need an intro I got nothing going in I'll get that I'll do this off the thing I think [ __ ] into perfect he's a really cool dude oh great I bombed them bomb the first three no yeah well they already passed so though have you pitched often at this probably like my eighth show I've pitched yeah I think this is I learned how to pitch from Will Smith really yes oh holy [ __ ] I I'm pretty good at pitching but the thing my the key to pitching is don't let your agency manager starts conversation okay do not let them start the conversation you start the conversation you direct it and just like you wouldn't stand up maneuver it into the pitch like so like I think the guy you're going in to pitch to like I think he's I think he's really [ __ ] cool I'm almost certain that's who it is but like like I go into a pitch and I'll just I was just very candidly just start talk like Will Smith and I the first pitch that went well was at ABC and he was like he's told me goes be yourself don't ever not be yourself even if you think what you are is gonna scare them just be authentic to you and and and don't ever let them talk first usually talking you just go in and you run the room you run the room and so I walked into the ABC enough the first thing I saw was this couch we had the same couch in our in our fraternity house I said oh my god by the way this couch is the best couch - knock yourself out on aha what they go you guys have never knocked yourself unconscious and like no and I'm like oh my god in college we the better the best you put your head up against the arm of this couch huh and punch your head you got to keep your head stable so this car arm is a great arm too and Will Smith's like start smiling and just nodding and why exactly like just go in and drive it yeah win and even if like I've out pitched I've out sold my pitch before let's go on in and I went in one time and I was like I was like I was pitching a show called um I don't know what the point of the show was but I go in and I said yeah I want to do I so badly want to do a short of me and my buddy Kroy he I call him my dude I think I have a dead hooker in my room and he comes down and he comes over to my house he's like holy [ __ ] what the [ __ ] do we do I go you need to help me get rid of the body so we carry the before/after body up in it in a sheep and we take it upstairs we put it into the trunk he goes out he gets his shot a couple shovels and I'm like man I'm freaking out and in the last minute right before we shot the thing she wakes up and goes huh and then quit takes a shovel it's around the head goes that was a close one and the guy were laughing so hard the guy goes I'll [ __ ] buy it I go that's not my pitch and he went what I go that's not my pitch no he goes what's your pitch I told him he goes are we gonna pass but so the next room I went into was FX and I was going to pitch the same shows I was called it was called the process it was a bad name but it was about two filmmakers this is right when filmmaking became easy to make it's like this is right around the past millennium 2000 - yeah - filmers get filmmakers get the same logline bank robbery goes wrong and they both got to make a three minute short based on this same long line but on the studio on this on the studio I'm the finance guy and so I make give them the same pitfalls that a studio would give Nana I tell you what I want to see this I see gorillas both gotta add gorillas some haha hey this is my cousin he wants to be easy gonna blow your shorts yes so that was the thing so we go in and that was the guy passed on it I go in the next one and and they go I go the guy goes you did that show hurt Burt and I was like yeah and he goes please some of that so you guys were pitching and this girl money hukman is goes it is and we just sold Herbert without even having a [ __ ] holy [ __ ] yeah we sold Herbert with no pitch just six more episode yes hoax episode order he just got to go with the flow just go with the flow but go in and make it very natural find something like find some of the room that reminds you of something something light that you can break this story yeah do not lay your agents go it just [ __ ] about [ __ ] it up all the time they're like so let me tell you about mark yes that's what they do mark tours with Amy Schumer he's got yeah he goes everywhere with her his he sees 10,000 people a night and he's got a fan base that's basically Amy's fan base you're saying the exact pitch and we've done it four times don't let it be this early and I'll help you uh help me figure out I think I know exactly you're pitching - yeah at CBS oh wow it is then just go in and go I just did Bert Chrysler's podcast and he said that if i play my cards right you'll give me a glass of tequila at 10:00 in the morning and it'll be like all right me and him we're gonna pitch the show where I was I think TBS we're gonna do a show where I was the I was the council of directors I was going in and I would be I'm pitchy I'm selling this wrong I was going I was gonna go around the world and basically set up embassies and throw a party for to the top ten countries that didn't like America everyone change their opinion about America baby [ __ ] yeah it was his idea we all came up with in the room but he came in and he was like I wanna do something to Russia I want to send you to [ __ ] Russia yeah and so we kind of morphed it into this party event planner I go in I do a town hall meeting I find out what they don't like about America I explore their culture and then the last time they take those same people from the town hall meeting and I throw an embassy party at my embassy and and I showed them all the good things about America hanging in and out burger right and I hit like and by the way we're in Turkey and so I get into a burger float in I get or I get like a Al's Italian beef right shipped in and we make it for them and I and I have like one of our great entertainers like John Cougar Mellencamp something in there called yes so but but we're not doing it so but let's get you out of time you need to leave 10 20 okay when you go back to New York tomorrow red-eye tonight old I know I know I got I got a do it fouled on Thursday so they what they're getting me back in this is a hard push it in the groove yeah so that's the things I know I love it out here this place what else what are the press are you doing you know Fallon to promote the special Fallon you know dopey Jim doing the bonfire doing all that a bunch of like Sports Illustrated serious podcasts all that Sklar brothers all that's the Gorbals a good one yeah they're good it's a it's a wild it's a Rowland and I don't how people do this I wish you could do hot ones that was my favorite let's say I don't know I have a little I have a real big theory on this business now my new theory is [ __ ] traditional publicist venues and find the [ __ ] you dig online that you keep watching and they try to get yourself into that mm-hmm so like um right now I'm obsessed with this show diese sin Mero have you ever heard of it now dude it's so [ __ ] good it is so good I am sure I'm like I laugh hysterically at these two dudes two black dudes on Vice land and they just they're just I don't know if they do stand-up traditionally but if they don't they [ __ ] should they're the two the funniest guys and their celebrity interviews are amazing and they just shooting the [ __ ] are they I'll show it to you after this I am it's [ __ ] it's [ __ ] next level but what do you want to do in this business I just wanna be a stand-up I want to be a segura yeah he's got the perfect career if you ask me just a podcast and stand up yeah you guys do Tuesdays with Maurey Tuesdays stories yeah yeah and that's that's doing pretty well but uh you know still I just love doing stand-up I wanna I want to have fans I want to go to a club and sell it out like like you or Segura or you know Rogen to me Rogen's huge but Rogen's next level that's another Empire Brogan's the prototype for what we're all doing yeah is he was like and and I gotta be honest with you i bucked it for a long time until him and burst sat me down there like the [ __ ] you doing like what are you doing on television yeah it's doing nothing for your career right and I'm my head on my gibbet that's that's the thing that we're supposed to do and then I can just do your podcast and just do stand-up I will tell you right now because of that because of following just what I like just the things that interest me not worried our pitches focusing on the weight loss challenge and focusing on putting out videos shooting a video and just doing that [ __ ] dude I've I've had the best you're financially really professionally I haven't had one show that hasn't sold out this year not one hey you know that but that that is like that is you know what it's like to be a comic and to do a [ __ ] show with 40 people on a Thursday yeah and and to go and do like get one sold-out show a week a stand where I'm at now and you're like and you're excited then you get your numbers you're like wait I thought we have more people then like why paper the room exactly yeah that's my story right now with Columbus that happened to me you know with it but Columbus is a such a great comedy town yeah but the thing is is like I don't know I you your fans will find you I don't like ya can't ever go like like I used to open for J Moore and I used to think oh this will be great I'll just well I'll get some of his fans yeah that never happened never having humorous people and they never came on board I don't know if I don't know if her fans are legit comedy exists it's like a hot lot of hot girls we're like we love her yes it's like that's their Saturday night exactly it's a bachelorette party let's stand up for ourselves right see Amy I got more from Louie that was one thing well I'm for Louie for a while that's and that was like that's the comedy people chick comedy fails that was huge that's legit how many fans with [ __ ] money yes that's what you want yes you art white people you want yes you know not that all white people aren't smart but you know very good comedy fans they get kind of they're savvy yeah that was nice that's [ __ ] roasted like open open for Louie and open for Amy well Amy's amazing cuz she's like a friend I've known her for a while we're like tight kinda and also she just no there's no what's the word like no holds barred on the on the amenities you know you get the private jet you're in the Four Seasons it's a black town car to the gig you get a helicopter back whatever and the food is insane and the drinks and blah blah blah and whatever the thing is in town should get that all that like the delicacy she'll get it ordered to the theater and you're in and out and you're your home the next night it's amazing but Louise just like this comedy guru so you're just like trying to soak up as much wisdom from him why you're around him and just the nicest guy laid-back a normal guy humble guy you know and he gives you you could do joke tags I'm like I'm gonna go do a mic and he's like I'm going with you and you're like what he said yeah where is it I'm like well there's gonna be 12 people there he's like let's go and so now you're in a town car on the way to the mic with Louie CK he's the coolest name if I asked Amy do a Mike she would spit in my face you know and I get it that's just she doesn't need to but Louie's like I got this new idea I want to test out it's very different they're very different celebrities in the fact that if Louie wants to go do an open mic everyone sits and goes CK's here if Amy doesn't mic everyone's like holy [ __ ] Amy's here and pulls out the phone vote oh yeah connect and so it's like you can't there she doesn't get to do that anymore right right exactly but yeah I open for him for his Netflix special was like a huge honor you know and that hers - it was an honor but I just know her so it's not as weird but with Louie funniest story I was at the back of the Comedy Cellar I get off stage I went pretty well and he goes hey good set I go oh my god thank God I didn't know you were here I would freak doubt yeah and then he goes you got 20 bucks so they go [ __ ] I hope my wall I had 120 in it and I was like here you go and he goes alright I'll be right back and he had to tip some guy and he came back and he goes [ __ ] I'll pay you back later and I go yeah whatever you know Louis I got it and then he goes you know what you want to open for me tomorrow Town Hall and I go yeah and that was it that's how I started opening for so you never know you never know way this was some young comic will hear this and go alright this is what we'll do we'll pickpocket Louis we doesn't follow all waited by the door yeah exactly that's [ __ ] awesome you never know yeah he's you know he's the best he really is he's he was he's one of those guys that like I knew him when I opened for him a long time ago like right when I first had Georgia and I hadn't seen him in a long time and I saw him at the I saw him at the store the other night and he just popped in and they're like hey Louie CK is coming up next ok and so as I had this next guys the reason I probably stick around have a drink or watch the rest of the show yeah I go but yawns go for Lucy Kay and he comes up and he was like like you know he like said something to me as he gets them I came in his good seeing you yeah and then he's like very funny guy very sweet guy Bert I just [ __ ] great and I was like in the back I was like you didn't need to say that yeah you just made my [ __ ] mind right like don't you want to be that guy that's what I want to be the guy where you say something nice and people go oh you said about me so nice I just all I care about I you know what I was thinking about this the other day I was like you have it I think I have it it's the comic that everyone likes I'd say I'm a big on that yeah like I I don't need to be I don't need to be the one everyone comes in to watch you know rather not I don't want to what Bill burr has I hate when comics watch me yeah like every bill goes up and everyone goes in to watch it I don't need that I really don't Rogen's that way I want to be the guy that everyone's like when they see me they smile yes what's up man me too and I feel like I feel like I'm I'm that guy I feel like you're that guy definitely definitely Ari's not that guy nope I smile when I see Ari but yeah but Seguros not even that guy like he doesn't ever want to be that guy well those guys are almost 2 and I hate to use where they're almost too real we will kind of sacrifice our own comfort to make others feel better I think that's an anxiety thing maybe a self worth problem we have but if they're happy we're happy you know I think with Sugoi just like I'm just gonna go and do I shouldn't leave oh yeah he's he is uh like literally almost just so like that I'm trying to get the right word but like he'll he'll call in the storm be like get me on early so I don't see everyone yeah stick around see I'm kind of jealous of that cuz he wish I could be like that I wish I could too because my life is consumed with how others are feeling no but cigar was a lot like you like Segura toured with a lot of really big names when he was younger like when he was probably your age he was doing Russell Peters Road oh really yeah and he was traveling the world with on private jets yep and and then but he he had that Netflix that not fixed thing blew him up yeah and then he's next and then he kept doing him and I was doing another one and he's and now and he's someone that you know by the way he's massively [ __ ] talented yeah more funny really [ __ ] hard oh yeah and he's generous as far as he openers yeah oh my god I can't I got work with some guys the other day and I was like hey man what am I supposed to tip out people is a rule give him $5,000 what what oh my god he didn't say that but yeah I just want to put that out there all right he's a good I we we had a little beef thing what happened we were I was at a bar with a bunch of comics we were telling like street jokes and I was like that's a funny joke and I told it on Opie and the [ __ ] Twitter went crazy like that's a Sakura joke you [ __ ] I can't believe you're stealing from cigar and I was like I don't know this joke I don't know it was about like it sounds like a street joke it's like I got a prostitute the other day was fifty bucks after we finished [ __ ] I said where's the fifty or something like that you know like a misdirect yeah and it sounded like a Street joke so I just told it as a street joke and the [ __ ] Twitter went crazy and then he hit me up or I hit him up or something I was like hey I got his number from Ari and I was like all right give me Sakura summer because I want to squash this immediately yeah so I called him and he was just cool as a cucumber just like hey I don't think you stole it I you know what happens whatever I was like I'm a big fan I respect you I don't want you to think I'm stealing I'm not a joke thief bubble-butt and he was like yeah no problem yeah so that was it but it was that I got a taste of what it sounds or feels like to be a joke thief or just from that Twitter blowing up and I can't even with these other people go through yeah Joe we're the the problem of comedy is we are we are a pirate ship like yeah it's not the problem it's a good thing but like we are a pirate ships we have pirate ship laws so like when we do find out someone steals we handle it internally and then but but when it gets out that's when it goes [ __ ] oh listing people get crazy with it cuz we introduced him to it I guess so Rogan really yeah with the Carlos Mencia thing yeah they were like oh I didn't know you couldn't you were literally when that came out people are like yeah but he tells it better [ __ ] works it's not cool so and and but yeah it would mean comics that's all we [ __ ] talked about backstage weird and they're like dude tell him that bit you're like oh [ __ ] yeah I know but it's stolen from it sucks no really yeah I guess that was a big thing yeah it's happened a bunch I've been stolen from because I lost that there's a big flaw that me and you have we're good guys so people feel sometimes like they can take liberties with us yeah say anything right or we're like we're not gonna want to rock the boat all right no no one's stealing from Rogen no that's a good point yeah no it's yeah people look at me and they're like oh I'm hearing one person say sometime he'll probably forget he wrote that right pretty quickly and I write on stage and yeah and I remember siguro telling me that Segura told me distinctly that person said that you write more material in in a year than they'll write all their life yeah that you'll probably forget you wrote these things plus the booze yeah and I'm and I'm yeah and so and I was like I remember hearing that going that can't be healthy no no I I had a guy hit me up on Facebook and goes some guys doing your bit verbatim I took a video of it here it is unbelievable stole a bit I was crushed I'd never had to happen before it killed me cuz he worked so hard on the [ __ ] so I emailed the guy I said hey and I sent like a page long thing of like would you get in this for you it's all about your point of view it's all about your opinion and how you see the world what's the point of just stealing [ __ ] and he wrote back you're right I'm sorry I'll never do it again and that was it oh I why what happened to me is I was getting stolen from so much that I was like that I was like okay I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna nip this in the bud I'm gonna write stuff no one can take I'm gonna take I'm gonna do a 12-minute [ __ ] story I'm gonna do and that's really what got me in the storytelling because I was having these jokes that were mediocre at best yeah there were jokes you know Karen the cucumber up the ass joke you know Frank like that whole setlist right they're all very stealable uh-huh and then and then I and then finally I was like well no one's taking my Disney I don't acid no one's taking right I was taking the machine no one's taking this and then yeah but like but I don't know she's got a huge toe me are you well-endowed no like three inches wide crazy - yeah big feet it's sad I'm obsessed with penis size so uh so let's our and a half is 1020 lounge if you're meeting I talk to you about your thing I've said at the very beginning of the podcast we mentioned it much but you're our special this Oh this week on Comedy Central Friday night Friday at midnight don't be yourself just what don't be yourself don't know yeah it's a great special I brought it beginning to end thank it is phenomenal that means a lot it really isn't and my sat with my wife and watched it Wow giggled hysterically was she offended by anything no okay kiss a lot of girls I've had problems with some of the lady material really yeah alright great know what doesn't get like that I love it so everyone check it out mark I appreciate it man thanks I'm gonna hit you up when I wanna get your number I don't think we have numbers now gonna get your numbers when I come to New York I want to [ __ ] hang let's hang yeah do a diner hang oh I'm gonna organize I hang you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna organize a [ __ ] dinner for all the New York comics gonna look like a private room [ __ ] wasted guideline I love it [ __ ] and gossip that's like that's a date that's you know what that's already is inviting someone going how come I wasn't a buddy yeah you're right the best by the way the best thing I heard a sodor told me one of the best things besides the Joe list [ __ ] in the shoe story yeah was he was talking about Nate bargatze didn't get invited to Patrice's barbecue one year oh yeah and they reached out disorder was like dude can you get in touch with Patrice and see if he done like me and so Souter's like hey man marks concerns you didn't invite him is it okay if he comes and Patrice goes man that guy doesn't believe in dinosaurs of course I wanted [Laughter] so religious I'm like we crazy will do congratulations on the special thanks fantastic it's [ __ ] awesome and I'll watch her I'm gonna definitely watch your what what you doin Thursday night Fallon yes Thursday night this is coming out Wednesday morning to everyone yes watch that watch Fallon on Thursday watch this special on Friday I can't believe they let me get away for some of the material on Fallon I had to fight for it for real I've got like boner in there I've got like some anti relationship stuff it's heavy stuff shut the [ __ ] yeah on NBC so that'll be fun [ __ ] yeah well congratulations thank you for doing this thanks for listen my podcast news is a story I got it you got to introduce me to Joe list oh sure cuz he met that story of him [ __ ] in the shoe maybe laughs so [ __ ] hard well he's different now but yeah he's a good guy or his podcast oh yeah and I was listening the whole [ __ ] Park at her feet yeah yeah yeah he's a good egg yeah thank you [Music] you

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 371,243

Keywords: Mark Normand, bertcast, podcast, bert kreischer

Id: lmOWEOtFa-s

Length: 97min 18sec (5838 seconds)

Published: Wed May 10 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/YOUREABOT]

The basic math skills on that podcast is not good. First Mark: I drank a third of a bottle of Scotch ... I drank a lot of it more than half. Then Bert: Let’s say I have 100,000 fans ... of that 100,000 we share definitely 750,000.