Stewart Francis - One Liners

but I'm delighted to say our next act is an internationally acclaimed comedian originally from Canada he's headlined all over the United States and even written for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno he's now based in the UK please welcome Stuart [Applause] and don't worry I haven't heard of you either it's okay before I rock the microphone I want to UM I want to dedicate my performance tonight to my father who was a roofer so dad if you're up there standing in the park today wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets and then it hit me went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any seventies music at first I was afraid oh I was petrified did I already do my deja vu joke my grandma who's addicted to tea hates the way I say things she doesn't enjoy my visit my dad has a weird hobby collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic doesn't it going up eyes on the impression my dad didn't like me very much cuz he hardly ever did anything with me he only took me fishing once and I remember swimming back to shore thinking my dad doesn't like me very much telling a golfing once and I remember swimming back to shore thinking balls a lot like fishing the girlfriend I've been going out with my girlfriend for sex my girlfriend says I'm afraid of commitment well she's not my girlfriend it's more a wife I've decided we don't want children if anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow [Laughter] please we have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom in fact passive aggressive psycho turns five tomorrow girl so Halloween is soon upon us I remember the first time my father took me trick-or-treating I remember swimming back to shore thinking Snoopy costumes are heavy when they're wet I like what mechanics wear overall people call me a hypochondriac which oh really hurts my job at the helium gas Factory I refused to be spoken to in that tone that's the thing my friends I'm a one-liner comedian I'm not a storyteller and interesting how that all started [Laughter] I'm tired of people calling me lazy I've had it up to here know I'm lazy I'm so lazy um I didn't write a punch just because I have arthritis doesn't mean I can't live a normal hole [Laughter] irony that's one thing I truly do respect about you people here in Britain you get high ranee and it's everywhere today I slapped a homeless person so hard my charm bracelet fell off fantastic irony Sharon Osbourne judges talent no irony there's a paper in Britain called the Sun [Laughter] it's too you can't write this stuff there's a paper in Britain called his son yes my father was a man of few words I remember used to say to me son did your trunks were going to the library [Laughter] [Applause] I went to university on a swimming scholarship and university I was going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it I want to write a mystery novel or do I actually have written a book or have I I won't do it again or will he it's hard to tell what this renegade I've written a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment it's titled man or myth sorry wrong joke go to bookstores in say to the clerk hello I'm looking for a book titled how to deal with rejection without killing do you have it [Laughter] my therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance we'll see about that do i watch a lot of television oh yes [Laughter] you're right maybe too much my favorite shows Richard and Judy I have a lot of respect for Richard I couldn't work with my mother I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a romantic I'm such a romantic actually remember my first date my father came along and act as a chaperone which was all cuz my date couldn't swim but the point [Laughter] say thanks remember I remember my dead uncle Harry once saying [Laughter] you died two years later he was crushed by a piano his funeral was very low-key I can't leave you on that note as fantastic as you are I sadly have to leave I'm a member of over actors Anonymous and we have an over actors anonymous mean that starts in [Laughter] an hour this you've been fantastic good night [Applause]

Channel: Robert Beardwell

Views: 4,208,416

Rating: 4.8281922 out of 5

Keywords: stewart, francis, one, liners, for, night, only, british, brillaint, funny, television, mock, the, week, line, jokes, comedian, stand, itv, ITV, just, tonight, comedy, 2008

Id: qWH5XubGKLA

Length: 8min 24sec (504 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 12 2008

Reddit Comments

[u/delabass]

Some great material but he's been using the same stuff for years. I've seen him live twice in Ireland and in London.

Time to get a completely new set, though I know he never will.

[u/dahmerBundy]

You can definitely tell he writes for the Leno show...

[u/spiderjjr45]

I was thoroughly disappointed that he didn't repeat the "Did I tell my Déjà vu joke yet?" at the end, that would have clinched it for me.

[u/GanjaDingo]

Steven Wright is definitely the king of one-liners.

[u/Gauthaman]

its like each one makes you groaaan but you sort of keep watching just to see where it goes.

[u/ObliviousIrrelevance]

I have not used this word in a long time...but this guy is just corny.

[u/Tinywolf]

He hosted a Canadian game show called You Bet Your Ass.

[u/mylomusic]

I have no shame and therefore I'm going to steal these and interject them in regular conversation.

[u/DrKushnstein]

Just way too corny for me.