Your authenticity enrages the narcissist

hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel um if you're new to this community please subscribe we talk about narcissism here narcissistic people narcissistic relationships all in the service of trying to help you understand all of this more today we're going to take on how narcissistic people often punish you once you decide to try to become more authentic or they punish you for trying to heal speaking of healing because this is a healing focus video you can only do so much that healing focus work on youtube if you want to do a deeper dive into healing please consider my healing program to check out the link in the uh in the in the video notes and please oh please come listen to my new podcast working really hard on that and it's different very different than what i do on youtube so i'd love it if you did just go to that again go to the video notes you'll you'll see a link there and you can get more info there but then now let's really talk about especially with that around the healing how do narcissistic people punish you for healing and trying to become your more authentic self it really sucks right i mean healing is from these relationships is one of the hardest things you can do and they're going to punish you for it so you're getting stronger you're healing and you're being more honest with what you need and who you are and i'm warning you don't think that they're going to let you get away that easily and just grow into your authentic self one day and it's not actually one day it's usually over a period of months years even decades you slowly work up your resolve it may be decades after childhood or years after a relationship ends but you commit to healing and all that healing entails including pursuing your own goals and not asking for their approval succeeding on your own terms and becoming your own person and let me tell you this that narcissistic person or people are thinking um how dare you did you really though honestly this is dr romini do you did you really think that they were gonna sit there and they were gonna be okay that you could go out there and be your own person once a narcissistic person starts dominating you and gets their supply from you or has always dominated you as in the case of a parent they do always anticipate that your existence is primarily to deliver them supply so let's sort of play this out right over time you finally start really getting to radical acceptance and recognizing that this is not going to change you work toward healing whether you stay or go and this is a lot harder if you stay but it can be done you slowly start to become you whatever that looks like now their reactions will obviously be much more pronounced if you end the relationship or really significantly sort of change the game with much less contact when you do that they punish you what does this look like number one money when a narcissistic person senses you're sort of growing away growing more authentic they're gonna punish you with money money is a major issue in narcissistic relationships narcissistic parents often use it to control children or shame children or even relying on adult children to give them some whatever it is it gets messy money is power narcissistic folks care about power so money becomes a tool of control vindictiveness and punishment if these are parents they may do things like cut you out of wills and trusts or the favored child who is still remains in psychological bondage to your parent gets all the goodies and you're out in the cold and it can happen quite abruptly you were getting something from them and boom they'll take it away in a divorce this will look like fighting to the bitter end in the courtroom with the lawyers ending up getting more than anyone else it may mean that narcissistic person fighting for inconsequential nonsense and hauling you back into court regularly to bleed you dry and to punish you for actually going out there and becoming your own person they will fight you over the price of a shoelace number two they may just withhold their love and their regard or just face you down with passive aggression and cold indifference sometimes it is as simple as that cold indifference right it's not as though these relationships were a hug fest to begin with but now as you decide to grow out and become your own person it becomes absolute coldness sort of think logan roy on succession and his capacity to talk to everyone else in the room and ice his own child out of a given conversation that kind of play right they withhold love and if it is apparent they use this withholding tool repeatedly since your childhood so every time you attempted to individuate as a child or an adolescent that parent would punish you they would distance themselves they were doing it to punish you and it works with young children who merely want nothing more than to be cherished by a parent so the child kind of gives up on individuation and their own needs and they remain ensconced in the parents sort of toxic experience of reality so at least if you go along with them the parent doesn't any longer punish you with passive aggressive stonewalling kind of bs now that can happen in other relationships too you finally hold your ground in an intimate relationship and you're met with the passive aggressive silent treatment which really makes life a tense nightmare the silent treatment is always a standoff and the narcissistic person is far better made for it than you so many times the other person breaks the healthier person breaks and that may sometimes look like you not doing what you needed or wanted for yourself and giving in to what the narcissistic person wants for narcissistic folks love is a transaction and it's turned on and off to get what they need if you need is not aligned with what they need then no love for you number three thing they'll do if you're growing out of them is the smear campaign this is the leveling up from the cold indifference and this is a more active play where they will punish you for your autonomy and your self-care by talking smack about you to anyone who will listen and since you aren't the only one that the narcissistic person is controlling these other people who were under the sway of the narcissistic person's charisma or simply live in fear of them sadly may be a receptive audience if it's within a family system they may commandeer your other parents your siblings your extended family there is too much fear people have about going against the narcissist the fact that you're even trying to channel your authentic self and and split away from it speaks volumes about your courage and these other people falling for the smear campaign actually puts them in the narcissistic person's good graces which can feel safe for them at a primal level it can be devastating to see family members who you thought had your back not have your back when the army of flying monkeys comes at you the punishment quickly turns into grief for you when you recognize that the bargain is either you have to give up on yourself and forever be a pawn in the narcissistic person's life or break free and potentially lose everyone these feel like impossible choices if this is a relationship situation and perhaps you finally want out of the relationship or even if you stay in it but you're finding more of your voice a narcissistic co-parent for example may speak badly about you to your children it may be subtle or it may be awful but i can tell you this it's confusing as hell for your children if the children are older puberty and into adolescence they may actually be quite vulnerable to this dialogue and you might might find yourself on the receiving side of not only the narcissistic partner or coherence antagonism but the diffidence and the coldness of your children especially if your narcissistic co-parent is speaking badly about you to them but you are holding your tongue and not speaking badly about the other parent the children are getting a one-sided story and then if that narcissistic co-parent decides to sweeten to sweeten the pot with money cars or other goodies it's a tough battle really comes down to how manipulable your children are the more ego injured the narcissist is as a relationship sort of you sort of distance from a relationship the more they will do this and it's a continuum ranging from passive aggressive mockery like oh hey look your mom thinks she's a big shot now she's tired of taking care of you so she's moving on to better stuff which is painful enough but it could be all the way to spreading frank and slanderous lies to your children and others to say that this is devastating when it happens is understating it this behavior can result in permanent estrangement severe psychological issues for the child bottomless grief for you as a parent and the catch-22 of never being able to win because frankly unless you forever stay as the narcissistic person psychological prisoner with them calling the shots this remains out there as a possible threat that they'll tell the bad thing kids bad things about you as soon as you actually attempt to start take taking back yourself being your own person number four one thing that happens is that they continue to send you awful text messages emails and dms and i have to say this probably could be its own video but what the hell is it with antagonistic and narcissistic people and their mean emails and messages i mean i certainly get them and because you know because of what i do and it dawns on me that this person had to take time out of their day to spew this poison at me someone they don't know time out of their day with little regard for how inappropriate it is how entitled and how toxic and i know i'm not the only person who'd be getting this kind of email from them they don't even know me so they must be doing it to everyone in their lives so right there i'm talking about strangers but this is so much worse if this is actually someone in your life if this is a narcissistic person who was in your life and you are trying to again exert yourself be your own person not live under their psychological thumb any longer well they're not going to like that so each time you set a boundary whether big or small you can expect a litany of insane and dysregulated texts and emails as long as a narcissistic person is being vindictive and angry they do not run out of steam they just keep writing and writing and writing word salad words designed to cut you to the quick critical words kind of just dysregulated words and they feel entitled to keep filling your inbox with this bs it is exhausting especially if your only crime was living your life and not doing everything the way that it works for them but i gotta tell you opening up that inbox or looking at the notification on your phone and seeing their name is literally enough to leave you feeling sick they do tend to lose steam with time but sometimes i do hear cases of people who keep it going for decades that's more rare but it absolutely can go on for years the longer you go no contact the more likely this will and because it's simply unrewarding for them though some of them may escalate to creepier and more concerning stalking behaviors let's say for some reason your name comes up in their lives unbeknownst to you maybe even years down the road once again they still feel and they feel entitled to fill your inbox with their poison now blocking and spam filters can all be useful but they're not always viable for example if this is a co-parent or someone else where communication may still be required this is where having the courts mandate the use of an app like talking parents can help and i also know that some people want those messages to come in in case they need them to get more legal protections and speaking of which number five is the legal issues that come up so in the most extreme cases when you are finally individuating the narcissist may actually come after you legally now i gotta tell you i think most lawyers are in business because of narcissists narcissists are more likely to commit crimes they're more likely to litigate so i'm not so sure the legal profession wants this fixed right but narcissistic people love hiring attorneys to do their bidding to write angry letters to tell you you owe them money or that you defamed them or that their dream is something you dr you mind read their dream in the middle of the night and now it's their dream is their intellectual property like that kind of stuff if you spend enough money on lawyers they can bury people in paper and rage it's one more example of how messed up our systems are they're very narcissist rewarding but that said whether this was family business friendship or even just a intimate relationship it happens sometimes that you start getting scary letters on thick lawyerly letterhead or scary emails and then you also face the unattractive process prospect of now having to pay your own attorney the legal profession gets to make money on both sides of this transaction and you need that to defend you from this nonsense right if you even made a passing suggestion to a narcissist like oh you're sitting there five years ago saying hey somebody we should do a business together while you're drinking a beer with them and then you go out on your own and maybe start an unrelated business years later nothing to do with the conversation they may still threaten you if your family gifted you money to get a car and you start becoming more authentic more in yourself they will describe it as a loan and expect payback with an extortionate interest rate if a narcissistic person once lived in your house and they weren't on the title but maybe they painted it once and you weren't married they will still expect a stake in the property if the relationship ends well usually a lot of these frivolous lawsuits they file go nowhere because they don't have the documentation or they don't have a case but it can make your life miserable as you wait for it to all get sorted out and you're still going to be out the legal fees healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic abuse it shouldn't be but when it comes to finding your authentic self and voice separate from the narcissistic relationship and exerting you even in the simplest way sadly with most narcissistic folks their vengeance is swift thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 454,628

Keywords:

Id: J_lC05XIpqY

Length: 16min 6sec (966 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 09 2022