Key & Peele Presents: Detectives

your uh last partner uh detective imenez i never met him but i hear he he left some pretty big shoes to fill let's get one thing straight you're never gonna fill him in as his shoes ever menace was a good man better cop philly menace his shoes the tip of your dick couldn't fill a bottle cap crazy crazy look at this mess makes me sick there's no way to stop this kind of insane violence seems like no matter what we do some innocent fool is always going to get slaughtered and we're always gonna be playing ketchup we're never gonna find the guy that did this tell that to his widow [Music] and we're always going to be playing catch-up we're never going to find the guy that did this it's a weird one nothing out of place no murder weapon and no motive there's uh just a couple lying dead in their bed the proof is always out there detectives you just have to know where to find the pudding excuse me sir you can't be here this is a crime scene it's okay he's the greatest sex crime investigator in history if it isn't detective chuck vaughn detective sally ferguson we could use a genius right now tom samwell what have we got samwell well uh vomit we've got ourselves a hard case here all we've got is two bodies both dead naked one man one woman in the bed two scented candles by the nightstand how did you no sign of forced entry he loved the way they smelled he wanted to cross the threshold the way they had on their wedding day you dirty dog he would have experienced that pleasure right here anniversary a couple was together for a while wanted to spice things up check the date on the photograph vaughn's right today was their 15th wedding anniversary this is huge and what the was that you just pulled your dick out and started jerking off at the crime scene samwell he's the best there is by putting himself in the perpetrator's mindset he's able to solve crimes that involve sex bag this up some call it a blessing it's more like a curse is that what it feels like threesome you wanted to see them didn't you you wanted to watch 25 feet from the bedroom across from the kitchen you didn't want to see their flesh yet did you no he stood right here [Applause] role play gone wrong check the logs hey we've got a bloody fire poker we've got our murder weapon um why do your revelations require masturbation why do kittens require milk no not the same thing hey hey he's the most brilliant goddamn detective i know put your ego aside and give vanna's space my ego we've got captain pudpuller flinging his fluids all over the crime scene wait he knew them they they were close so close too close he he i think he knew the house why what did you want you sick bastard you wanted to see what he saw every day only closer closer he was close to home [Music] there's our man all right let's go get him go go vaughn that was amazing i'm sorry that i doubted you your methods are unorthodox but i cannot argue with your results no hard feelings uh no no not gonna do that johnny okay carter i can stay here all night so why don't you and i cut the crap and you tell me what happened on march 15th and what's in it for carter finley what's in it for you is i don't send you back to jail [Music] the guy's name is cat branchman i met him downtown at a club called the clutching kitten you may have heard of it it's down on the corner of hang and fur street cat branchman so what's a guy like you and a guy named [Music] cat okay i know what you're doing finley you're just using what you see in my poster i'm not detective i'm telling the truth we'll see how much truth you tell after a few weeks in solitary fine detective you've twisted my arm that's better the guy's name wasn't cat branchman it was a chinese guy named mr meow he's the real gang boss story went he hung guys from trees and took pictures of them finley used to run a club downtown a front of course called it the paw and poster thinly ran it with a guy named hong indar okay let's try this one more time finley who do you work for um coffee mr coffee coop coffee coop his name was baldi tall man coffee coop now you're just talking about me finley i'm gonna give you one more chance who is in charge his name was angry man the warehouse is located in the diploma for being a detective i want to name justin thank you hang true don't say hang god damn it do not say hang on hang nope hang man justin cat finley poster do not say poster or cat cat poster okay that's it i'm losing my patience winslow get this [ __ ] out of here [Music] i'm losing my patience let's try this one more time getting too old for this [Music] well-played detective [Music] well-played indeed hey carter you hang in there hello you must be detective hobbs i am your new partner joshua tay um what you know uh your uh last partner uh detective imenez i i never met him but i hear he he left some pretty big shoes to fill let's get one thing straight you're never gonna fill him in as his shoes ever menace was a good man better cop philly men as his shoes the tip of your dick couldn't fill a bottle cap i'm i'm very sorry if that came out wrong i'm sure jimenez was a great cop the best okay uh so these uh prostitute murders um seems like a serial killer could be um i actually worked out a theory i don't give a hobos hat about your theory you think jimenez worked off of theories like some kind of a needle dick charles darwin not on your ass ximena's always shot straight from the dick you think you're a menace absolutely not you're goddamn right you're not i just said him hey menace would have busted 20 perps in the time to take you to pull up your pants over your itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot but peepee two daughters raising them on his own you want that job huh mr baby dick what is going on you wanna be that daddy no you know what i think i think we got off on the wrong foot 90 minutes oh ximena's got off on the right foot every goddamn day of his goddamn life which is more than i can say for your pebble penis having ass he meant ximena's wannabe i can assure you i don't want to be a menace why not what's wrong with the menace there's nothing wrong with them and why wouldn't you want to be like i don't know you said pekka okay i'm out i can't i can't make this work man has would have made it work [Music] come back from florida soon jimenez first things first i do not care that you're a multi-platinum selling rapper gun rack what i care about is that i 100 know that you murdered darnell simmons so you better start talking [Music] yeah but you ain't got nothing okay i you know i'm actually i'm very glad that you said that uh because i respectfully i beg to differ i killed darnell yeah i shot him with my nine i shot him nine times nine pm on the dime and by the way it was november night that don't mean nothing i got a vivid imagination i couldn't have sat down now i was at my cousin's birthday party red lobster november 9. at red lobster geez i got to tell you gun right i find that really hard to believe i got an alibi red lobster when in reality i shot darnell like a mobster it's a lot anyone could tell this if you know about my allergy to all shelby just confess conrad i confess that shellfish is the only thing that rhymes with tell this it's just worse now's adjectives they just happen to be in a dope order but we ain't got no pearl shut up darnell with a long-ass [Music] i have no idea what that object is if i had to identify it i would call it a gun of the long ass variety some seaweed in there too look detective i hate to break it to you i ain't killing my money i struck my chin real slow when i'm lying and i was laughing super hard as darnell was dying the name of the album is i killed darnell simmons it's a concept i want a concept that's a picture of you a picture of you and behind you it's terrible shipment's body why is enough you're going away for a long time you understand you're going to confess if it's the last thing you'll ever do you hear me don't wreck i'll be somebody i'll beat out he's free to go what no no no no no we have everything we need no it was simmons girlfriend she just confessed to the whole thing infidelity crime of passion let's go mr rack [Music] and when you let me out i'm gonna blow a little kiss this is my confession he missable in court i killed darnell simmons for sport that's right i'm a murderer come get me come down the hall you can't get me okay okay okay you got me you got me hey what what damn damn ow [Music] [Music] i ow

Channel: Key & Peele

Views: 677,196

Keywords: Key & Peele, Key and Peele, Jordan Peele, Keegan-Michael Key, keey & peele, Key & Peele full episodes, key and peele show, kay and peele, detectives, cop shows, cop show parody, Paget Brewster, masturbation, jerking off, Usual Suspects, rap, rapper, clues, sketch comedy, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips

Id: reMt-OY5LJ0

Length: 15min 55sec (955 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 24 2021