- Oh. Oh. - Hee-hee. - There he is. What's up, Noah? - Hee-hee. - Michael Jackson. - Hoo. Hee-hee. Hee-hee. - Yep. That's what he does. - Hee-hee. - That's Michael Jackson. - Hee-hee. - Right. - Hee. Hee. Ow! - Nice. (beatboxing music) - Alright, listen. Sheriff's Department's close by. We'll be safe there.
- Okay. - Stay close. I'll get you outta here. (zombies snarling) - Oh, shit! (both panting and yelling) Oh my god! They got Brad. They got Brad! They got Brad! - They didn't get us. They didn't get us. Okay? We're still alive. Alright, keep it together. - Yeah. Okay. - We gotta make it to
that sheriff's station. - Oh my god. (zombies growling) (bell tolling) (people screaming) (zombies snarling) - We gotta go through 'em. Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get bit. Go. (dramatic music) (zombie snarls) Are you getting this? - Yeah, what is up? - Alright, just go. Let's go. - This is crazy. What? - Um. - What the? (dramatic music) (door locking) Ain't that some (bleep). - These are some racist
mother(bleep) zombies. - Why would you even lock the door? I mean, the window's broken. (zombie gasps) - Oh! Oh, hell no. - That's... - No, no, no. (dramatic music) Oh! - What is that? - They seriously wouldn't let her eat us. - That's... - Hey, guys. Isn't this great? These racist zombies are leaving us alone. Come on. We having a party. (party music) The beer is here. (people cheering) And look who I brought. Come on, man. (people cheering) (party music) (dramatic music) (percussive music) - Brothers and sisters. Tonight, the newest member of our family will feast for the first time. (all hissing) Ophelia, bring the new blood. (mellow music) Ah, brother Tyrell. Welcome to the first night of your new... What are we wearing here? - I'm just wearing what I got bit in. - Mm-hmm. Okay. Do you have anything black? Or like pants with laces
up the side of the leg would be good. Just so you can still see the skin. - Oh, no, that's not my style. So I ain't got none of that in my closet or nothing like that. - Okay. Anyway, we will, tonight, all feast. (all hissing) (percussive music) - Oh, come on, man. - Excuse me? - I'm just saying you're over here licking and hissing and whatnot. If we gonna eat, then let's eat. Damn. - Yes. Of course, we will all feed. (all hissing) Spread the meat. (percussive music) - Did any of that actually
get in your mouth? 'Cause I mean, now it's soup. No wonder y'all is hungry all the time. (hissing) See, uh-uh. No, no, no no. See, look, why y'all gotta hiss when you're flashing your fangs? You know you can make your teeth come out without doing all that nonsense. See? And can you two get a room? Seriously, y'all live in a damn mansion. There gotta be some other
place you can do that (bleep). I mean, are you two even lesbians? I just don't understand why everything gotta be
all sexual and licky. Girl, seriously, man, you gotta get your hands up
off me before I (bleep) you up. (Bleep) is nasty. Creepy as (bleep). Been touching my nipple for 15 minutes. All this (bleep) y'all
is doing up in here? This is just like straight up gratuitous. I got bit on purpose
so I could live forever and see future cars. - Yeah, Cyrus, these
pants are uncomfortable. - And I actually have a boyfriend. - And this song has been
playing for like two years and it sucks. - This just seems desperate. - Okay. Desperate? Really, Tristan? - It's Christian. - Really? - His name ain't even Tristan. - So do you all feel this way? - Yeah. - Kind of.
- Yeah. - Yeah. (Cyrus scoffs) - Wow. It's like you can't even get good friends. No, you not even...? Okay. And you're leaving now. That's... - I mean, you know
what, though, seriously? Like you could fix this place up. It be dope, though, for real. Are cars gonna be able to fly or is everything going to
be on a magnetic track? I mean, that's what I want
to know. That's no big deal. - This O Negative tastes like pennies. - Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, hey, come on now. Nipple play is for private time. We talked about this in like 2011. - It's just a drink. And when we wake up... - This is such bull(bleep), you guys. - Okay? But do I look in the camera? No? Oh, at you? Alright. Like on television. Alright. (sparks sizzling) - Now knock it off! All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull(bleep). Goddamn. I told you they was rotten. (upbeat music) - I am Parnabus Jackson, principal here at Clortho, Vince Clortho High. This station's just a formality. - There's a bunch of
stuff that we confiscated just this week. - We don't have to show them that. - Here's a wand with a silencer on it. Why? But I ask again, why? One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby. One out of five! Ain't no denying it! - The babies are evil, but the mothers, they're good kids. As we say at Clortho's, there's never a portal
that cannot be opened with ingenuity and respect. Now... - How you gonna be
using an invisible cloak when I can see you tagging the damn wall?! Dime bag of pixie dust. Contraband. - See, here's the thing. The kids know that the only way to fly - Wizard Pepper. - Unbelievable. Get your ass outta my office. I will turn you into a spider. They're good kids. Hogwarts and Clortho's. Clortho's and Hogwarts. Go hand in hand. The best top two wizarding
schools there are. But you know, out of these two schools, we each have our strengths. We do score a little bit lower on our standardized tests than Hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias. We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts. And yes, some of the teachers have to buy their own
newts eyes or bat wings. - One kid got transformed into a cat. They can't even afford to change him back. - This young man's name is Jamar. Normally, you're not allowed to touch the students like this when they're in human form. But when they're cat, we just have at it. Sports. Everybody loves sports. It's true.
- Not everybody. - The hallways are abluster
with the conversation of our quidditch team. - Half the team is back here riding mops. We got two little (bleep) on Swiffers. - Lester! When all is said and done, the average Clortho student... This mother... (Parnabus laughing) Sometimes,
the kids think it's cute to turn themselves into a rat. Sneak into my office. Play a little joke on me. Who is that? Tyrone? Is that? Is that? No, that's an actual rat. - Dude. That's a waste of money, dawg. I don't even understand how that's even in the horror genre, dawg. - I mean, that's the least
scared I've ever been, man. It's like a romantic comedy. - That's like a lullaby, dawg. - Yeah. For reals, though. Oh, oh, where are you parked at? - Ohana. - Where are you parked at, dawg? - Yeah. I'm over that way, boy. - Oh, you all way down there? - Yeah.
- Well, I'm this way, right? - Oh, alright, alright, dawg. - Alright. (ominous music) - Know what? I'll walk you to your car. - Word. Word. Word! Yeah. Then I'll drive you back to your car. (ominous music) Dumb-ass movie, man. - Dumb. - A demon can possess
any inanimate object? That's too general to be scary. - It's like, "How you gonna have a demon posted up in a trash can?"
- I mean, you know, it's dumb. - It don't make no sense.
- Stupid. Know what I'm saying. - It's stupid. - It's unrealistic is what it is. - It's like I ain't gonna
be scared of no trash can. (ominous music) And then what was that
other thing they had with the demon puddle? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was the most stupid part right there. A demon could pull you into hell if you step in a puddle, like we some morons? - I mean, how you gonna
scare a couple of adults with a puddle? - Stupid. - Stupid. - Stupid.
- Stupid. - And a demon got them hellhounds roaming around everywhere, bringing humans to the demon
alive to be sacrificed. - Boy, man.
(dog snarls) (dog barking) - It's stupid! - Stupid. - Yeah. - You know, it's like, it's lazy storytelling. - Yes, yes. - Is what it is. - It's a lot of things, but scary is not one of them. (ominous music) What's with all them creepy kids and the whispering? Come on.
- Please. Please. Dude, you just identified the stupidest part of the movie. (both laughing) And kids. Them kids was talking about, "I will steal your soul. I will suck your asses." - Yeah. That's stupid right there. You can stop right now, man. If you just want to. Please stop! - Yeah.
- 'Cause it's stupid. - It was stupid. - It's stupid as hell. - It was stupid. - It was just stupid. - This your car? - That's me, dawg. Yeah. - Yeah, I hope there's
not one of them demons possessing your car. (both laughing) I'm being stupid right now. - That's stupid. You being
real stupid right now. - Obviously. - That was the stupidest
part of the movie, right there, dawg. That was pretty stupid. That was the stupidest
part right there, man. That part of the movie. That movie was stupid as hell. (both laughing) - Stupid. Stupid. - That was the non-scariest
part of the movie. Oh my God. It was stupid. I mean, it's so stupid. - It's so stupid. - It's pretty stupid. It was pretty stupid. You know what, man? (Bleep). I'm sorry, dawg,
that you had to watch that dumb-ass non-scary movie. - Man, you know, that's how
it go. That's how it go. (suspenseful music) - Give yourself up, Carlo. - [Carlo] Why would I do that, detective, when I have the upper hand? (Carlo laughing) (Carlo continues laughing) - Give yourself up, Carlo. - I'm right here, detective. (Carlo laughing) Or am I over here, detective? (Carlo laughing) Or here? - You sick son-of-a-bitch. Where the hell are you?! (Carlo laughing) You son-of-a-bitch, come out! - Does my ass look big in this jumpsuit? (Carlo laughing) - Dammit. (suspenseful music) Enough of the games, Carlo. (suspenseful music) - The games are just beginning, detective. (Carlo laughing) Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them... Whoa. - Don't move. You are under arrest for the murder of Mary Dealy, Meg Foster, and one Detective Mason Jimenez. Now, where's the girl? - Oh, detective. You assume it's the real me standing in front of you. But maybe that's just
what I want you to think, when in reality, the real me is safe in a hiding sp... - Okay. That's the real you, alright. - Or maybe I'm over here. - No. No, you're not over there. Carlo, I'm only gonna
ask you one more time. Where is the girl? - Go ahead and shoot, detective. (Carlo laughs) I mean, what do I care if you get seven years bad luck? (gun cocking) Look, you know it's not safe to keep a gun cocked like that, even if you are just
pointing it at a mirror. - Turn around and put
your hands on your head. - Now, for that, you really are going to
have to find the real me. - Oh, God. Are you
kidding me? (gun firing) (Carlo groans) (Carlo mimics glass shattering) - What? - Why would you shoot a mirror? - Carlo, it's you. I'm holding your lapel. Now you're done. It's over. - You're gonna cut your
hand on that broken mirror. (gun cocking) - Where is she? - Just say it, dude. - Say what? - Say you don't know whether or not this is the real me or just a reflection in the mirror. - Really? - I'll tell you where she is. - Okay. I don't know whether
the you I'm holding onto is really you. - Or the reflection in the mirror. - Or a reflection in the mirror. - That's all there was to it. She's under the floorboards
by the entrance. Oh. Oh... I win, detective. (Carlo laughing) I told you. But, I mean, the mirror told you. But, what, you know. Oh, (bleep). - [Party host] Here we go. We got more. Hey! What's up, Ted and Annette? Come on in. Yes. Fangs for coming. Have a bloody good time. Awesome. Oh, oh. - Hee-hee. - There he is. What's up, Noah? - Hee-hee. - Michael Jackson. - Hoo! Hee-hee. Hee-hee. - That's what he does. - Hee-hee. - That's Michael Jackson. - Hee-hee. - Great. - Hee. Hee. Ow! - Nice. - Ooh! Shumm. - Oh, there we go. - Shumm. - There we go. - Shumm. - Alright. Three is the charm. - Shamone.
- Four. Alright. Well. - Annie, are you okay? - Oh, he's leaning. He's leaning. - Are you okay, Annie? - Are you okay? - Annie, are you okay, Annie? You've been touched by a smooth criminal. - Very nice. Oh. - Shamone. - More kicks. - Closer. Closer.
- Four kicks. - Close to your face. - You almost hit me there. You're really getting... - Shamone! - No more shamone. You wanna come inside? That's annoying. That is very annoying. Stop. Stop! Don't do it anymore. Great.
- Shamone. - You keep doing the shamone. - That's where the children at. Hee-hee. - Where are the children at? That's some bad taste. This isn't... Don't even know what that is. - Thriller eyes. Shamone. - What are you doing? - Jam it. Jam it on. - No, you're cut off of shamone. - Oh, okay. Ha! - He doesn't slap his ass like
that, so I don't know what... Okay. - Nanana, nanana. Nananana. Nanana. - No, he doesn't... I've
never seen him hit his ass. - Oh! - Hey. Can we just... Hey, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop it. Stop it! The (bleep) costume's awful. The impression is stupid and played out. Everybody and their mother was Michael Jackson three
years ago when he died. - He died? - Oh. - Wait, wait, wait. He died? - Oh, Noah. Oh, Noah. - Boo-hoo. - Now, wait, wait a second. Don't sad moonwalk away. - Boo-hoo. - Happy Halloween. (theme music)
