[ Telephone rings ] -Hello? -Hello, Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from
the identity-theft department at Capitol One. We've detected some unusual
activity on your credit card. -Oh, man.
Do you think it was stolen? -First, would you mind
verifying your home address? -Um...yes. Um... 383 Linden Ave.,
Scranton, PA. -And may I have the last four
digits of your Social Security? -6650. -Well, Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not
in San Juan, Puerto Rico. -Wait a minute.
Yes, I am. -I'm going to go ahead
and put a hold on your card. -No, that -- I -- I think
that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. -Very funny, sir. We'll get a new card
out to you right away. -No --
-Have a nice day and thank you. [ Telephone clicks ] -[ Gasps ] Shoot. I kind of know what it's like
to be in commercials. My nickname in high school
used to be "Kool-Aid Man." -Whose butt is that? -Mine.
-Oh, how did I not guess that? -Great.
They stole my laptop. -Yeah, well, they stole
my surge protector. -How does that even compare? -Oscar, I'm now going to be
prone to surges. [ People yelling
in background ] [ Yelling continues ] I just want to lie on the beach
and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. I can't keep doing this forever. -It's been 20 seconds. -Call it. Please hold. Andy, phone call.
-Nope, stay there. Kev, I thought we nailed the
whole transfer thing earlier. -Yeah, I wrote it on my hand,
but then I washed it. -It is "transfer," extension,
and then "transfer" again. -Okay.
Andy, get ready. -"Transfer..."
-Here we go. -...extension, "transfer." [ Telephone ringing ]
-Ah! -Oh, man!
-It is 134. -Kev?
-Kev, come on. Hustle. -Hold it.
-You are murdering the Nard-Dog! -This is Kevin. Please hold,
and I will transfer you. [ Telephone ringing ]
-You're bad at this, too. -Don't answer that call.
-Just transfer the damn call. -Your call is very important
to us. Plea--
[ Telephone ringing ] -Hey!
-Oh! [ Applause ]
-Okay, okay. Way to go. -My maid died. -Angela's cats are cute -- so cute that you just want
to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin. [ Clears throat ] Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone --
equally handsome, equally smart. At least once a year
I like to bring in some of my Kevin's famous chili. The trick is to undercook
the onions. Everybody is going to get
to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before,
pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own ancho chilies. Oh! It's a recipe passed down
from Malones for generations. Oh! It's probably the thing
I do best. [ All laughing ] -That is so awesome! -Congratulations!
-Congratulations! -Thank you. So, guys, guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado. -All of us? -[ Whispering ] Have you been
introduced to Kevin? -Nope.
Which one's Kevin? -[ Laughs ] -He's here
on a special work program. He's slow, you know,
in his brain. -Oh, good for you guys.
-Yeah. [ Normal voice ] Accounting
department, listen up. Holly, human resources.
Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. -Hello, hello. Hi. -Hi. -What do you do?
-I do the numbers. -Oh, good for you! -Do you want an M&M? -Oh, no, that is sweet,
but thank you, though. -Yeah, I keep them here
at my desk so that everybody doesn't
take them. -Well, that is a very safe place
for them. -I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute and helpful,
and she really seems into me. What an awesome party, the best
wedding I've ever been to. I got six numbers. One more would have been
a complete telephone number. I hear Angela's party
will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. So, double fudge, Angela. Double fudge... Angela. Hmm... -I don't know if anyone else
feels this way, and don't get me wrong,
I love Michael and Holly. And maybe I'm being
overly sensitive, but the PDA. -Yes, the freakin' PDA!
-Huh? -Thank you! -Obviously,
so happy for them both. -I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them
because -- -No, stop. Just don't.
-Can I finish? Can I finish?
Is that okay? I was saying...
-[ Sighs ] -...I enjoy watching them
because it makes me horny. [ All groan ]
-Kevin! -Oh, I get it. Everybody knows
about the ultimatum. -Yes, I told everyone. -Ha ha!
Ha ha! -Hey, right back at you, bitch! -What are you doing? -I wanted to eat
a pig in a blanket... in a blanket. -Confession.
I have done PDA in the office. -Thank you! -I've had intercourse
in the office. -Alright.
-As has Angela. -Dwight!
As has Ryan, as has Kelly, as has Meredith, as has Phyllis,
as has Darryl, as has Creed, as has Michael
and as has Holly. -As has Kevin.
-With who? -She goes to another school. [ Telephone rings
in distance ] I always set it at 69. [ Giggles ] -This band is called
"Scrantonicity." -Okay.
-Let's take a look. Nice.
-Oh, wait. That's Kevin on the drums.
-What? -On the drums, on the drums!
-Oh, my God, that's Kevin. -[ Laughs ]
-Great song, Kev. Oh, my God.
He's the drummer and the singer. -We really don't do
a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public
very often. We are all really hoping
that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point
for the band. -Holly, you approved this?
-Yes, I did. I think Todd's gonna make
a great addition to the staff. -You did approve it.
-Yeah. -What don't you understand
about the word "approved"? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word
"approved" means. I have very little patience
for stupidity. -No, no, no, that's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy
cookies from me? -I do!
-See? -That doesn't mean anything. Kevin, do you want to buy
cookies from me? -Oh, I definitely do.
-Huh. Hit the road, Jack.
-No, you hit the road, Jack. -Hey, guys, come on.
Don't fight over me. -Yeah, why don't we split
the order? It's only fair.
-No, wait. No. I'm buying.
I make the rules. I actually do want you
to fight over me. I want to be wined and dined
and 69'd. -Oh! -Metaphorically 69'd! Ew! Perverts! No offense, Oscar. -I knew the party was today,
but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm.
Funny how that works. -We're out there, sweating
our balls off every day, busting our balls. We deserve a Christmas party. -Well, then, why don't we just
get some liquor and those mini cupcakes. -Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version
of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version
of cake? Honestly, where does it end
with you people? -I can understand your pain
and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man.
Let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons. -We're not questioning
his reasons. I just want to know
what they are. -I know.
You and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear
on who he thought truly deserved
this boondoggle of a lifetime. -Well, he nailed it
because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's
got to take off his cape. -Let's go over some of these
symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me
who this sounds like. Slow-moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. -Hey. -I just wanted to say that,
just, my mom's coming in today. -MMMILF. -Thanks, Kevin. -Hey.
-Hey. -You want to go to the beach?
-Sure. -You want to get high?
-No. -I think you do, mon.
-Stop. -What are the odds
that this is in any way real? -I'd say, like, 10,000 to 1. -Okay, I'd like 10 bucks
on those odds. If someone gives you
10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp
ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be
a very rich dude. Oh, can I be... [ Australian accent ]
Australian, mate? -Absolutely!
-Hello, mate. -I like ice cream.
I need a boyfriend. -I like ice cream, too, mate, alligators and dingo babies. -Okay, great.
Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela.
I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now, who wrote
this -- this "hysterical" one? Anal fissures. -That's a real thing.
-Yeah, but no one here has it. -Someone has it. After Stacy left, things...
did not go well for a while. And it was hard to see... It's just nice to win one.
