- He's punchin' him right
in the fuckin' Queens, just punchin' him in the face. It's New York in the 70s,
nobody's sayin' dick. (soft rock music) - Welcome to This Is Not
Happening presents fisticuffs. If you've never been to this show before, this is a bunch of comics
telling fun stories about real shit that happened. All right, this is Joey Diaz. (applauding) - All right! This whole thing started when I got hit in the head with a lunchbox
when I was like five. (audience laughs) I played hooky in kindergarten, right? I didn't play hooky. I didn't wanna eat a fuckin' lunch school, and they made you bring a lunch. But on the corner was that hot dog dude that had the fuckin' orange drinks with the aluminum foil on top. For a dollar, you got like a hot dog and one of those fuckin' drinks, you lost your mind. My option was after like three days of bringin' my mother's lunch, I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna take the lunchbox, "I'm gonna get a hot dog,
and take the lunchbox "and dump it in the Central Park "in that little lake with
the pigeons and shit. "And I'll tell her I lost
it, and fuck, that's it, "I'll just go on a hot dog diet
till I fuckin' die, right?" (audience laughs) So, third day comes, I
snap, I say, "Fuck it." I go up to the corner, I get a hot dog. I walk to Central Park. I'm just about to dump this
fuckin' Beatle lunchbox, whatever the fuck it was in the thing, and these few little Irish Puerto Ricans dirty fucks come up to me, right? (audience laughs) And they're like, "What's in
the lunchbox, cocksucker?" And I'm like. So, I could have gave them the lunchbox, but my mother was goin' like, "Don't let nobody fuck
with your lunchbox." (audience laughs) So, somethin' in me, I'm like, "I'm not giving you
this fuckin' lunchbox." Just like that, I had like a sandwich in there, and chips and shit. I should correct myself,
they didn't hit me with the lunchbox, they hit me with the fuckin' thermos in the head, and you hear the glass and shit, right? So, at the time, I was like a little, that's was my first battle. See, you guys, you're young, you don't remember Bruce Lee. Before Bruce Lee, Chinese
people were very timid. They walked around like
all fucked up and shit. Once Bruce Lee came, he changed everything for a lot of fuckin' people. And I was one of 'em. I was an immigrant, you
know what I'm saying? I came from Cuba, I
didn't speak the language, but once Bruce Lee started
bitch slappin' motherfuckers, you had a spokesman if
you were an immigrant, you know what I'm sayin'. Even if you weren't
Chinese, it didn't matter, you had a fuckin' spokesman now. So, I was fired up. So, I lived on Bruce Lee,
kung fu, and those shit after I got hit in the head with the fuckin' lunchbox, right? And my mom was a single mom at the time, so she made me stick
up for myself and shit. But that wasn't nothin',
that was just a prequel to what I was gonna go in to. My mother, after a couple
of years of being single, she got scared because I
was always around women. My mom was hot and she had hot little fuckin' dirty women around me, (audience laughs) so she was always worried about me that this kid's gonna be soft and shit. So, she hooked up with this
fuckin' guy, Juan Tuero. And Juan Tuero was a
no-nonsense type of guy. He moved in, and at night,
for some reason he'd stay in every night and make
me banana milkshakes, and he taught me how to be a man. He'd teach me how to fold my clothes, how to make my bed, how to wash myself and put underwear on,
how to put VO5 in my hair and grease it back and shit. Oh, this motherfucker was smooth. And then at night, he'd
play the guitar for me and sing Spanish songs, it was okay. So, about three months into
it, I'm off for the summer. he used to be a bookmaker in the Bronx, they had a dry cleaning operation in the Bronx on Tremont Avenue. So, my mom woke up one day and she goes, "You got an option, you
can go to Tremont with him, "or you come to the Met game with me." Now, my mom was a big
motherfuckin' Met fan. We wouldn't even take a
car, she was a Met fan. She didn't wanna fuck around, she wanted to make the national anthem and batting practice, so she'd take a cab. So, my mom was a serious
fuckin' crazy bitch. When she got in a cab, it would be 1970, she'd throw a ten-spot on ya just so there'd be no misunderstandings. Like, this is the direction
we're fuckin' takin', okay? This is the route, don't fuck around, I gave you a ten, put the clock on, and I'm gonna tip you over there. Don't worry, I'm gonna scratch my pussy and smoke pot back here,
and drink and mix cocktails, but don't worry about
me, it's me and my son. And my mom was fuckin' wackadoo. So, she gives the guy a fuckin' ten, we're on the way, and the guy decides to take a better route. What a fuckin' mistake. What a fuckin' mistake. He hits traffic. So, now him and her are arguin', and this is when, and
no offense to nobody, but this was before
fuckin' immigrants came, like this was when there
was white cab drivers. This guy was like fuckin' "Taxi Driver". He was a white dude,
with like fuckin' glasses and a beard, he was a burly guy. So, they get into an argument on this BQE or whatever the fuck they're goin'. And my mother makes him pull off. So, she goes, "I want my $20 back." They started arguin' about the $20, the $10, whatever the fuck it was. And the guy's like, "I'm not
gonna give you the money back." So, my mom goes, "Fuck it, all right." So, she gets me out of the cab, and the guy opens his door,
what a fuckin' mistake. And my mom pushes him, and
takes the ignition keys out. And in doin' so, she cuts her hand, big fuckin' mistake for
this cab driver, right? So, my mom knew how to work
the fuckin' blood angle. So, I'm like, "Ma, you're bleeding." She's like, "Don't worry about it. "I'm gonna call the fuckin' police." I knew deep down in my heart, my mom wasn't callin'
no fuckin' cops, right? So, she goes to the pay phone, she's wipin' the blood on her face. (audience laughs) She's a badass bitch,
that's a Cuban Jewish woman. She knows there's a payday comin', right? She's wiping that fuckin'
blood on her face. She looks like fuckin' Carrie, right, when she got hit with a bucket, right? I can't believe they remade "Carrie". Is nothing fucking sacred? Is nothing fucking sacred? Julianne Moore, you cocksucker. (applauding) My mother's on the phone, right? But I hear her talkin' in Spanish. The police department, they
don't talk fuckin' Spanish. It's 1970, right? They don't talk Spanish. So, she hangs up the phone, and she's tellin' the motherfucker, "The cops are comin', bitch, sit tight." And this schmuck is
actually believing my mom. He's sittin' there waitin'
for the cops with no ignition. So, my mom had this dry cleaner
slash bookmakin' operation on top of the dry cleaner,
and her partner was Nelson, and then my dad worked
for my mom in that office. So, about 10 minutes in,
I see the Mustang pull up, and it's Nelson drivin', the Puerto Rican, and my step-dad's in the passenger seat. And they get out of the fuckin' car, and I run over like a
little fuckin' half a fag, I run over and grab my dad. I'm like, "You're not gonna believe it, "he hit Mommy, oh my
God," and all this shit. And Juan walks over to my mom, and he sees the fuckin' blood. And I had known him at this
point, maybe six months. His demeanor just changed. Like he just got fuckin'
pale when he saw the blood. Like he couldn't fuckin' believe it. And he just looked at the cab driver, and he grabbed me by the hand. So, I walked up to the
cab driver with him. And he didn't speak no English, right? He spoke like broken English, like, "Hey, what happen here?" Whatever the fuck, right? (audience laughs) What happen here? (speaks in foreign language) What happen here? What happen, I wanna know what happen? (speaks in foreign language) How you say, what happen? What happen here? (audience laughs) What happen here? So, the cab driver's, "That fuckin' bitch, "she fuckin' took the keys." And one thing leads to another. Now, the guy had glasses, all right? Now, one thing for sure, I
was in the PAL on the corner, the Police Athletic League, and that's the first thing they teach ya. Don't hit nobody with glasses. And I was like sendin' it to
him telepathically like Carrie. I was sayin', "Don't hit a
motherfucker with glasses." So, he was holdin' my hand, all of a sudden finally,
he let go of my hand, and he pushed me like an inch, like just a fuckin' inch, and he just went at this guy. Guys, it was beautiful. He just started fuckin'
punchin' this motherfucker, pulled him down, he's punchin' him right in the fuckin' Queens, just
punchin' him in the face. It's New York in the 70s,
nobody's sayin' dick. People just walkin' by. He's just punchin' this motherfucker. He's got him the fuck down, and he's just hittin'
him, you motherfucker. And the guys head is bangin', and I'm like droolin',
I'm fuckin' lovin' this. Bruce Lee can suck my dick. (audience laughs) My step-father's the king
of New York, motherfucker. Fuck Bruce Lee. That's the movies, this is the bad Bronx. And he's fuckin' this
motherfucker up, right? And Nelson's standin' there,
my mom's standin' there like nothin', and I'm like, "Ha ha ha ha." And we're all fuckin' standin' there. (audience laughs) And the next thing you know, the cops really come, right? But the car was double parked, the cab was double parked, and they couldn't see
the guy gettin' beat up. So, they got out like 20 feet away. And they got out like to see
what the disturbance was. But Nelson and my
step-dad were too badass. They got up and I saw Juan do like a dip. And I go, "This motherfucker's got a gun, "and they're gonna shoot the cops, right?" No, he was goin' in his pocket, and he did somethin'
and he cupped his hand, and he greeted the cops. And when they both went up to him, he just shook the cop's hand, but he blocked the guy on the floor. It was fuckin' beautiful. The guy's on the floor
squirmin' for his life. (moans) And Juan and Nelson are like, "Fuckin' beautiful day today, huh?" And all of a sudden his
English was perfect. (audience laughs) What a beautiful fuckin' day today, huh? And they're goin' back and forth, talking about the Mets and the Yankees, and finally after eight
minutes, the cops goes, "What's wrong with that guy?" He got in an argument with my wife. He came out and he fell or some shit. And that was the end of that, they go, "Fuck him," and they got in their cop car. (applauding) And here's the beauty of it. We never talked about it. Half of you motherfuckers got
to have like a family meeting, what you saw today will
never happen again. (audience laughs) We never fuckin' talked about it again. Then I seen him throw a beatin' on a guy like a year later for hittin' a dog. Right, I saw him fuckin'
destroy a guy for hittin' a dog. Then about a year later,
I saw him shoot a guy on 148th Street at a
Santeria Party, dig this one. (audience laughs) He shot him in the
fuckin' leg, I loved it. We even went to Riverside Drive and threw the gun in the Hudson. We never talked about
that for years either. (audience laughs) In 2006, I was eatin' with
my step-father and I'm like, "Hey, remember that time you
shot Nikko on 148th Street?" He's like, "I have no fuckin' idea (audience laughs) "what you're talkin' about." (applauding) But it's weird because
it's funny and stuff, and you think about, you know, whenever like somethin'
happens at a school now, where there's like a prom with a kid, I always think about fuck, I grew up in a house with artillery, like this motherfucker had silences, he had fuckin' guns, he had knives, he was tremendous with a straight razor. Tremendous with a straight razor. Fuckin' amazing. I seen him shoot a guy one
time with the pepper spray. He was tremendous with pepper spray. He was just a man of a thousand weapons. (audience laughs) And I don't fuckin' shoot nobody. I don't carry weapons so
it didn't affect that way, But for years I thought,
"Was it gonna affect me?" And I got into fights and I got beat up. I'm no tough guy or nothin'. But then somethin' weird happened. I got married in 90, 'cause
I got this girl pregnant. (audience laughs) And it didn't work out, right? I went to prison, got out, knocked her up. And it didn't work, and
then we had a kid together. So, I tried to be a father, you know. The divorce didn't work, it
was basically around this kid. She was four. And this is what I found
out about Juan afterward, like as I got older. That the reason why he babysat me at night was because he was on
parole for bookmakin'. Listen to how bad this motherfucker was. He wasn't allowed in New Jersey. Lawrence Taylor is allowed in New Jersey. Tony Soprano is allowed in New Jersey. My step-father was not
allowed in fuckin' Jersey. Here's where it gets better. It's funny because 20 years later, I'm married, I'm going
through hell with this chick. And she's got a boyfriend who thought he was a fuckin' tough guy in Boulder. And he'd always say little things to me. And I knew I was gonna fuck the guy up, it was just in time. The problem was I had two felonies. I had two fuckin' felonies, so if you bitch slap somebody, you make it a good one. You gotta stab 'em and shit. (audience laughs) Because if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance, right? (audience laughs) (applauding) And in the back of my mind, I was just startin' to do comedy, and I had this new direction in my life. But I knew these motherfuckers
were gettin' away with murder, and I knew I had to do somethin' to this fuckin' guy. And I knew the day was gettin' close. So, one day, I pick up my child, she four, at a daycare,
and we're drivin' home. And I'm talkin' to her and she goes, "Daddy, what does spic mean?" And I go, "Fuckin' spic
is a derogatory word "for Spanish people." It doesn't bother me
because I grew up in Jersey, I hear it all the fuckin' time. No biggie to me, but she
was in Boulder, Colorado. Why should she hear this word? And I go, "Where'd you hear it?" And she goes, "Every
time you call the house, "John calls you that." That was her step-father's name. And I knew right then in the car I was gonna stab this
motherfucker that day. (audience laughs) So, I pulled over, I had to meet them. I would pick up the kid at three and have her till seven on Wednesdays, then all day Sunday. Then this one Wednesday, I picked her up and I had to drop her back off at seven, and that was the day that the kid told me there was a spic thing, right? And I go, "Fuck it, this is
the day this guy's goin' down." So, I had to meet him at a Safeway. I pulled up to the
Safeway, and there he was with his little fuckin' slippers on, his little fuckin' shirt on and shit. (audience laughs) And I got out and I left
the baby in the car. And I felt really bad,
I had the two felonies, and I go, "This is it." I already had a plan. I was gonna bitch slap him, then I was gonna call my friends in Jersey to send me money for a fax machine, so I could fax Jay Leno jokes from prison. I swear to God, I was
gonna do like three years, I was just gonna fax Jay Leno jokes. This was the fuckin' plan I had. I already had a plan. Some people go to prison
without a plan, okay? I was goin' to prison with a fuckin' plan. You laugh all you want,
motherfuckers, big difference. So, I pull up to the Safeway and I look at this motherfucker,
and I get out and I go, "John, I know we've had problems before, "but I gotta ask you a question. "Did you spic when I called the house?" And he goes, "No, I didn't." I go, "Fuckin' John, she's four years old, "she's got blond fuckin'
hair and blue eyes, "she couldn't hear that
at a fuckin' daycare, "'cause they call Mexicans beaners, "spic is never fuckin' used. "So, say it, and I'll let you "off the fuckin' hook real fuckin' easy." And he looks at me and I can
tell he's gettin' nervous. And all of a sudden, he's
like, "I'm callin' the police." And I go, "Before you call the police, "I'm gonna give you somethin' to go." And I stare him down
and I fuckin' punch him with everything I had, and
I felt really bad about it. I hit him with everything I had. Everything bad that every
happened to me in my life, I took it out on this
cocksucker at that minute. And I punched him and he
looked at me all weird. And he goes, "I'm callin' the police." And I go, bam, one more fuckin' time. And then some lady's like,
"I'm callin' the police." Some fuckin' Republican, nosy bitch (audience laughs) that should be minding
her fuckin' business. "I'm callin' the police." So, they all fuckin' call
the police on me and shit, like a bunch of fuckin' whatever. (audience laughs) So, I'm there with the
baby tryin' to play like, you know, the good dad and
shit, even though I fucked up. And two cops pull up. But I knew the two cops,
'cause I worked on a car wash and they used to always come in. And we'd talk about the Broncos, whatever all the mind
fuck I had on my mind. And they come in, and
I'm like, "What's up?" And he's like 30 feet behind me, so I got to the cop first. I'm tellin' 'em my story,
he called me a spic, you can't disrespect me,
you know, blah blah blah. And the cop's like, "No, no, no, Joey, "I got your back on this,
forget it, you're done." So he writes me a fuckin' ticket. Here I got these two felonies, I got like three joints in the car, my little daughter's in the car. This guy writes me a
ticket and lets me go. John's got an ice pack on his fuckin' eye. And when I look back, I fucked up, 'cause my little girl was crying, and that's where it gets ugly. I didn't fuckin' cry when I seen my dad beat up the fuckin' guy,
but times are changed. (audience laughs) Time are fuckin' changed. Thank you guys very much, goodnight. (applauding) (soft rock music) - Joey Diaz, everybody. That's the episode. Thank you, fuck yeah, Joey. Thanks for doin' that. He's the greatest storyteller
in the world, you guys. He's awesome. Last week, I asked you to
post your best curse words. Next week, I want you guys to post, in the comment section, leave
stories about your father. Either stuff that he did that was crazy or really horrible things,
really awesome stuff. Don't forget to click in the reddit link to join in in the conversation. You can also put on
Twitter, put the hashtag, thisisnothappening. And that's it, follow me on Twitter, follow Matt Flavor on Twitter @mattflavor. See ya next Tuesday.
Hi Ari.
I look forward to every single episode of this. I'm happy that this didn't get put on CC proper because they would have cancelled it too early and this is an amazing show.
Joey Diaz has the craziest fucking stories.
Funny guy.
Best storyteller ever
YES
so wtf happened with the lunchbox guys?