BERTCAST #241 – Joey “Coco” Diaz & ME

ladies and gentlemen Joey Diaz gundo how many times are we planned to do this and it falling out I pulled up I go he ain't no no no of course I'm not even scared to call him but he's gonna tell me somewhere else and he'll be in 20 minutes no I was out telling quarter to nine and a friend of mine called me from New Jersey I went to San Francisco last week yeah I took the girls when I met my buddy I'm from Jersey that had a nine-year-old daughter and I've been hanging out with him since we were kids since we were 14 and it was so funny we were at dinner the first night when I looked at him and I go remember the night that we went to see the evil that men do with Charles Bronson on a Sunday night we walk to the movie theater he's one of these guys that likes to walk yeah like in the weirdest times you'd be [ __ ] to having to go let's walk we walk to the movie theater like two miles away walk back and then we stand out and we got [ __ ] ham and I go you remember that night it was yeah I know did you ever think that we'd be and dinner in our 50s with our daughters and a dinner table in San Francisco yeah it was just mind-boggling I mean I knew this kid since you know I've been at the hospital with this guy but a thousand plays with this guy so to be able to dinner table at a restaurant eating and I'm talking to his daughter this is just like I know his mother I grew up with the mother like I grew up with the mother when she was dating somebody else like when we were 14 she was when I was 16 she was 14 like I've known the mother that long since she was a eight grader and I was a sophomore in high school I've known the girl's mother and now she dates him they've been married for like nine years 10 years or something and it's just so weird how life turns out like this guy used to run scams with 40 years ago now he's a top-notch longshoreman you know well respected good money great [ __ ] apartment and a building overlooking the George Washington Bridge just it's really weird how life turns out you know do we think do you ever think like that sliding doors the scenario like what would have happened had you not and what would have happened if had you made a couple decisions and just stayed there if I were to stay in New Jersey in 85 I would have died you think I know I think just drugs or bad [ __ ] just uh I was picking at the wrong Beehive I know you think about it like I was thinking about young people like I have two people that hang out with other pretty young and the differences between both of those guys in the same age once the comic ones that one was a college-educated ones not the ones that's a comic is not college educated but he's so solid as a young kid like I'm talking about Lee my friend D'Agostino Mike Lee went to college he's an intelligent guy but he but he bought the smoke and mirrors with the Agostino didn't go to college let him buy the smoke and mirrors yeah likely would do things that the Agostino would never do come Agostino a little bit more I don't know how to call it solid no way I love Lee you know I'm not even bad about him these are just little things I know it's when I was young I had the same problem as Lee I didn't listen the Mafia what they are doing at me I know people I didn't know nobody what are you gonna do to me you know I had already [ __ ] with them a little bit with some jewelry that they wanted they robbed they tried to make me deal and I was like [ __ ] you yeah I'm not giving you [ __ ] I had robbed this house one time and about it was the weirdest thing like I robbed it moved the stuff it was out of my mind and about a week later I'm taking a shower and the people I'm living with oh hey there's somebody at the door and I go to the door like my hey man what's up and he goes you don't know me my name is such-and-such I'm a friend of this person we broke down what happened and we know you robbed it and we want to stop back or the money within two days or will I send people to come get you like I never heard back from them like never yeah like I told him what the [ __ ] are you talking about like I lied the whole time and I denied it but then I had picked this I was robbing these drug dealers in the 80s and there are many early eighties and I was just robbing them on a weekly basis eventually somebody was gonna shoot me yeah I had robbed this one guy and he was after me like he even the years after I was gone my friends would say dog I saw that dude on the motorcycle or Corky's like he couldn't believe it and I had friends in his and that guy that was looking for me is about 80 years old now and he lives in Key West and I have friends in Miami that same he still says if I ever see that [ __ ] tell him I'm gonna pull a bullet like every time I play Miami or for a while they're like for a minute I worry about him like yeah cuz he was that after me really like he was that like one day it was about a draw it was about drugs I didn't pay him his money and I thought he was gonna go away like everybody else goes away after a while they just go away I didn't go he didn't go away just got it stopped like I thought once the last time I saw be the last time I saw two days later I'm walking out of altar room and he's chasing me on a motorcycle really yeah he was 50 something at the time this guy was a [ __ ] nut and then I in Cuba Cuban and he chased me into a deli and the deli owner told him get the [ __ ] out of here and then I would hear from friends of mine that do was around that dude was around that dude was around and then there's the craziest thing like I beat him in October of 84 like I knocked over Billy for wasn't that went down he followed me and looked to me till like January of 85 June of 80 I moved to Cliffside Park New Jersey I moved to Dumont I'm moving around a lot those days yeah but I settled on Cliffside Park like him February and I stayed there till June I knew I was leaving in June I knew I was leaving I was getting a settlement from an accident and I just knew it I had laid low for a while I stopped snorting I didn't go out at night I didn't go to any of my usual spots I lived to have dreams at that time like did you do were you sitting on the couch going like I'm getting this money and here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna start a mic did you have any insights on like what I wanted I was 22 and I had no idea what my next move was I had no idea no idea whatsoever obviously yeah 22 oh yeah 21 so I think about that sometimes like one of the things that one of the things that I that impresses me the most about you is that you're you're calculated in what you know what you want and you're calculated and how you want to do this business like you're the reason I'm gonna do Sunday's you're the reason I don't think anyone does Sunday's anymore cuz the way you looked at it was you need to be for your family there Sunday have Sunday dinner be there Monday be there all week as much as you can yeah but I didn't know this I didn't I didn't figure this out well that was a feature act and I had no wife yeah I figured that out really like when I was a feature after making 500 a week I was like what am I doing here on a Sunday yeah and then when clubs would hire me I go I can't do that son because I'm shooting a movie I mean this went on for a while yeah and I battled with Rogen before Rogen had his kids he would always work Sundays like I'm leaving Sunday the show you can't do that I'm leaving Sunday bro and then he started getting it Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday just wasting my time it's 100 people don't really want to be here and when you're not selling tickets it's even worse yeah over the room Cincinnati for the rule I Cincinnati Sunday's were all black yeah they're paper to room and you're dying and the whole time you're like why and they [ __ ] you because you can't even take a red-eye out the show ends right as to cutting point it's it's always something so at least if I can take a red-eye out there's always I'm back home by Monday more than I'm good but that's not that that's my thing right now it's like I know I'm I'm not saying I'll never get to the place where I'll be able to take a private jet but like I don't think I'll ever get to the place where I can rationalize spending that much money to fly private but I do get to these moments on the road sometimes where I go oh if I could get on a plane right now yeah that's that's worth oh that's worth a lot of money lot of money a lot of money but no I had 22 I had no idea because that's what I wonder like you're so no idea really I was looking for a miracle I was gonna bump into a suitcase filled with 20 kilos yeah I was gonna rob so I was looking for the miracles of great yes that's so many panelists so many people including myself when I was in college I was looking for a miracle well those like an inheritance that I didn't know about something some German bonds something it was like something was gonna happen last night I was talking to somebody how flying is different now yeah flying is so bad now because people don't go on planes to get [ __ ] habit no more 20 years ago a plane was comprised of people walking around talking drinking buying that guy drink buying that guy a drink and I'll never forget I was coming to Colorado I was kinda wet like I was I was getting to the story that I was I this guy I last heard from my friends that he was looking for me in January of 85 yeah and I never and I still talk to my friends they never brought him up again and I was leaving on a Sunday from Newark at 4 o'clock everything in my life was going great it was Saturday night I had the cash in my pocket from the settlement I bought some clothes I squared with all my friends and then some like if you if I was 800 I gave you the 8 and I took you out and I used a stolen credit card and I gotcha suits jewelry I took care of all my friends before I left anybody who brought me food in hotel rooms anybody who gave me 20 bucks when I took those credit cards I took care of wallam I had a girl that worked that out Joan and David shoes by Ann Taylor Joan yeah and she would read the cards from me and let me know how much was on them yeah so she would let me know sushi our deal was you used the card you buy me a pair of [ __ ] $6 shoes yeah so I'm going there buy a pair shoes she told me what was left on the card in those days and I'd [ __ ] rape and pillage her mall yes he was like a Willowbrook Mall in New Jersey so that night I get together with my friends no snortin and I go to this bar and you say New Jersey rule within the Union said rule number one don't go back to where the war was I went right back into the heart of it I'm at this place seven minutes and my cousin walks in who I grew up with he's a cop now and I go up to him and give him a hug and he's very like he was a man a lot of people looking for you he was in somebody's pocket at the time he was helping these Cubans and one of them was looking for me and I'm like what are you saying what cousins you got you sold me out well you know you can't be doing it it was a [ __ ] yeah what I'm doing is I'm saying that was strike number one like I knew something was I just started talking to that guy three years ago he even came out he had apologized to me who your cousin yeah he got thrown off the police force the guy died that he was working for that was looking for me and he came out here now I talked to him he's this big-time jujitsu got oh really now I talked to him before a long time I would talk to him yeah and I told him one time ago that day yeah he apologized he explained what was going on not two minutes after that this girl from high school comes up to me and she goes how you doing a real hot girl her kids come to my shows now she's dead one of the hottest woman you ever seen in your life big [ __ ] tits real I never slept on it we would just drug buddies yeah she used to get me into studio 54 and Xenon's when I was 21 she because she was so good-looking and she came out miscues can we have a word and she goes listen did you rob that house and I was trying deny it I'm I am now they seems they know it's you and they've been looking for you they know it's you the cops are involved but I think they got the cops for the insurance they're looking for you and I go okay and she goes if I was you I'd go home because this bartender's friends with them oh [ __ ] I mean I I gave the bar that's something I would have never thought of oh my god I gave the bartender tip got in the car and I couldn't stop shaking like this girl cuz that that the robbery she was talking about was supposed to be like nobody knew it was yeah they thought it was me but they really couldn't pinpoint where I was it was me and there was a lot of jewelry and a lot of blow and these people were looking for me they had called the cops and told him they didn't know who was but they knew so I got in the car left I said it's over really doesn't matter cuz I'm gonna sleep this off I'm gonna wake up in the morning I'm packed and I'm getting the [ __ ] out of here I'm getting ready to leave I got the four o'clock flight I wake up eat breakfast talked to my roommate he's going somewhere on a Sunday so I gotta take a bus to North Bergen Kennedy Boulevard and then take another bus to Jersey City where my friends is gonna take me for a [ __ ] to the airport yeah I take the first bus I get off a White Castle I'm sitting there got my luggage I got 18 grand in my pocket I got another check for like 10 grand from the bank and I hear a motorcycle but it's one of those the Japanese one worse deal but the guy's hunched over yeah Gabi is too old to be hugged I'll even no no I can't lie to you I don't even think about it like that yeah I just heard this morning I go looked up and I looked back I didn't even think about it and all of a sudden I and also the bikers getting closer to me closer to me closer to me and it's the guy and he flips open this thing he goes you never brought me that [ __ ] cash he goes I was just going for a Sunday ride he was I always carry a gun I went for a Sunday ride I didn't carry my gun oh you'd been dead right now he goes the next time I see you I'm gonna shoot at you [ __ ] and he put his lens and took off I got on that [ __ ] bus trembling I didn't have a weapon on me at the time I was scared [ __ ] but he was going to follow the bike I got to my friend's house I told him what happened we got in the car he dropped me off in Newark I was headed to Colorado Springs but when Colorado Springs because a bunch of people told me go to Colorado Springs I hated Boulder I had already been to bowl there's a bunch of hippies and [ __ ] and they just watch the front people Joey at the time I was too uptight and [ __ ] I can't imagine you and Boulder and his black guy was saying you ain't going to Boulder you gonna know he was doing all the Colorado Springs that's a soldier town called a boulder his [ __ ] at the time I had middle a name once really like I hadn't got a piece of [ __ ] like November of 84 yeah it was July of 85 the plane was such a party I hit on the waitress and she bit there was people people's Express it was like 69 bucks directed Denver from Newark I see used phony credit cards to fly on them because you paid on the plane yeah oh yeah nobody remembers that [ __ ] that's back when they had the homework yeah I remember that it was no direct I don't know you got robbed till they land a day later yeah we went to Greece and they had to use those and well and my buddy who's just really insightful he goes so just out of curiosity how long does it take for you to ship that piece of paper to my bank before I get my thing and the guy goes three months he was like oh bar shots for everybody yeah they don't those days yeah so you had a couple days you flew for free yeah we used to fly for free because they was to charge you on the plane so they would give you a tab and then I'd say you got three sodas two beers a pillow or salad and they give you a tab at the end of the flight you just give him a phony credit card so you're walking around this is when you could smoke on planes too you can smoke on point is I wasn't smoking though really I got on that plane what is your first smoking well they moved here I never smoked a cigarette my life until I moved to Los Angeles I saw people smoking before they went onstage really and I go that's weird why do people smoke before they go on so you don't smoke anymore right you're my cigarette in probably two or three years yeah they're years maybe I smoked some cigarettes last year when I was shooting my special for some reason I just shots just that night but just some guy was smoking let me get a cigarette but besides that I won't smoke so you go to Colorado Springs I'm headed to Colorado Springs you're on the plane people walk around laughs dude that was a party it was the [ __ ] total party yeah and some dudes like what you gonna do cube I know I think I'm gonna go to Colorado Springs you just go to Boulder right there I made up my decision I hooked up with the chick we went to a hotel we'd fooled around I got up the next morning went to Boulder with my luggage got a bowl the newspaper looked around for an apartment got a hotel for one or two nights got the apartment up on the thing when I was walking at the street the other girl had a newspaper really her she was excuse me do you know where this isn't Lee although I'm looking for this other address yeah and she goes are you looking for an apartment soon we started talking really cute girl we started 12th and talked I'm talking I go I like that place she goes I'm gonna get that place so after we both moved in I saw her on the street like a day late only how are you we started talking and this is in Boulder and it's embolden this is my first week in bold I just slept with the stories I had without a [ __ ] cold streak fate months I just slept with the store this kinda like a boat I'm talking to this girl and she's like you want to come over and have a beer I know sure we have a couple beers I smoked some pot I had some pot in Jersey I brought like an ounce just in case and we said I don't know where I'll never forget this is go goes you know I'm a virgin but I love giving [ __ ] salvages go over there a couple so we can get a quick blow job from you're like I'm a virgin too but I love my god she had like a dirty roommate like a really pretty girl girl yeah had a boyfriend like in the army a son and wait this one on me and this girl we never [ __ ] I never saw what her body looked like she would just dispense [ __ ] that's it really college girl 24 maybe 23 I joined this gym and they were the girl I was messing around with belong to a gym so they have a barbecue one day at this resort and Boulder forget this and we all go well I'm living here 3 weeks yeah and I'm at the table with the roommate and she's like I really miss my boyfriend and I'm like really don't you been with us all eight months but I really miss him and she goes you know what I'm saying for other reasons I could really go for a [ __ ] and all this [ __ ] up side of the table they're playing volleyball I just look at this girl and I go do you really need [ __ ] that bench goes oh my god I would do anything for a [ __ ] I go what would you do she goes I'd suck it and then shove it up my [ __ ] and I'm like there was a wall like a brick wall maybe 3 4 feet high yeah I know you know what right now me and you could go right over there and nobody would know she goes I know let's go and while they were playing volleyball and 20 other people from the gym me and this girl climbed over that little brick wall and start took off I mean we got naked it was outside in the street we got completely naked and started [ __ ] like it was nobody's business and then a roommate the girl my god wall from from what's the movie what's the movie about the prison with Morgan Freeman and and oh yeah yeah remember that wall the very end where the it's a wall then the girl caught me with her roommate and that was it we gotta go brawl and no more blood so I was like [ __ ] I slept with for [ __ ] 8 months I couldn't get a piece of [ __ ] and in my first month here I get like three pieces of ass three of them to trim was it all white people in Colorado that at that time yeah especially border yeah Boulder was weird Boulder was great at that time I could still if I can remember it like it was yesterday I it took me about three or four days to get weed and the girl that sold weed was next to me she was about 55 ugly as all get-out and she had a 20 year old boyfriend who his father invented q-tip when her grandfather I'm just saying this guy's yeah his father his grandfather invented something huge like he didn't have to work his kids didn't ever have to work and his kids would never have to work and they played the whole hippie [ __ ] really yeah he was a hippie even though that he would get eighty thousand dollars a week in checks he was a hippie he was dirty they may believe they had no money there were those type of people but they sold some tremendous weed but then and I bought weed from her all the time and then I met this Vietnam vet in that his name was ad and that was my first friend in Boulder if I was 22 ed was maybe 30-something and I always thought he was a medic really yeah like I always thought my conversations he said someone a medic now I met at in 85 and I was always friends with him but I never really went to his home and after I got divorced in 92 he invited me to his house to get high one day and he lived over by Chautauqua he had a little house like this and he paid like 400 bucks the army paid for it or whoever he was in I think was an Army Ranger yeah I always thought he was a medic and I went to his house in 92 and it was like a house of horrors in classes he had fingers he had he is he had been to the White House he had won so many [ __ ] medals that you couldn't even put him on the wall so he had done like three or four tours of Vietnam I think his kill zone rate I mean the the battalion he was in they wrote a book about his name is in there like a cold stone killer they're the ones that come after and clean up everything and shoot everybody and make sure they're dead he was one of those dudes really and it was really crazy experience because he was kind of not the smartest guy in the world but he knew how to kill that was his main thing was killing and once I started to ask some questions it was [ __ ] scary like a little something for the for the podcast little protein you know some protein oh boy I bawled I always tell people that I grew up in New Jersey and in New York City but I became a man in Colorado and I'll tell you something man all those years I lived in Colorado I was around more killers than I was growing up how so I attracted those people in Colorado well so these were people that had a past and they ship him off to Colorado the service has a lot of those guys in those days I don't know what it is now yeah I met probably three high end service guys in Colorado and my 12 years there guys that would like I met a guy in Aspen that they would send the helicopter to come get him really this guy will walk around like once in a while with some suit on and it was just a [ __ ] wall of medals and he was like a colonel lieutenant colonel colonel and he was still an adviser and we were living in Snowmass Village and the helicopters would still pick him up at Aspen Airport to take a little like weird places and there was this other guy I met he was the scariest one of them all he became my brother he taught me everything really and my when I was 22 years old he took my mind and he was exactly what I needed but not really what do you mean like he I went to his house a few times with his wife I was friends with his wife his wife would come over to where I lived with my buddies and they would smoke his name was Fred Fred never really smoked Fred sat at home and smoked cigars and drank beer he was from Norfolk Virginia I went over there a few times to meet him he didn't seem like anything special we clicked and he was saved you want to sleep over you can sleep over and I'll take you back in the morning so he would go over he'd dinner me and joy we'd get high and then me and this guy would watch TV I left to New Jersey and when I came back Scarface was the big movie and it wasn't out yet on DVD or not whatever yet hadn't it yeah him and I were having a discussion on that about the weapon and he's like he looked at me weird like when joy went to bed he got up and he pulled this couch and it was against a wall and under that was a metal plate and look at that metal plate thanks I had a half a [ __ ] battalion of weaponry he had the Scarface machinery afford all that [ __ ] like their little rocket launches so this guy I you know at that time my mission was to go to Colorado clean out a little bit get my head together get a few weapons and go back to Jersey and clean house yeah that was the plan go back to Jersey and clean house maybe those [ __ ] that will [ __ ] with me yeah I'm gonna go get that yeah they couldn't get me no more get done yeah so I started shoot with him on Saturdays so on Saturdays every [ __ ] sad Friday night I'd go to his house his wife would pick me up I'd go to his house I'd work all week Saturday morning we'd wake up and we'd go buy bullets for handguns all the other bullets he'd make and get to me for the big you had munition and we would just go shoot and he would teach me how to shoot a nazi really taught me how to make explosives how to do the wire stuff how to kill people with gasses I mean it was crazy it was like an education it was like a six-month education of every Saturday and conversations on the phone and then he had a plan he wanted to rob Aspen Bank on Christmas Day on snowmobiles Christmas Eve on snowmobiles right before the bank closed such a great oh my god oh my god it makes such oh my god this guy wanna lube Aspen Bank Christmas Eve oh he did the math because his wife was an accountant for one of the biggest businesses and and they figured out how much money goes into those banks during the Aspen vacation yes so he wanted to rob a sperm bank me him and two other Vietnam vets he was friends with so he was training me how to do the the Mobile's he was teaching me how to do alarm systems so what I was doing in turn was I was living in Snowmass Village robbing everything so I was practicing what he was teaching me yeah in Snowmass Village like a [ __ ] than I am so I would I my other roommate made me a tool and I would break into drug dealers house that would cover my drug habit yes I would rob little drug dealers from time to time he doing coke at the time all [ __ ] yeah but nobody knew really I walked around like no I'm a straight guy I was big I had muscles I worked out so I told people not I don't do drugs I did more drugs than anybody I smoked dope so whenever people talked about drew coke they wouldn't suspect me because I didn't do coke yeah and you never usually think though coke geyser yes I wanna go I was robbing a bunch of these coke dealers but then I started robbing businesses I would take pictures of the alarm systems given to him he would tell me what wires to cut and I would [ __ ] rob the businesses I was crazy man Wow I was young crazy and there was no way I wanted to work like there was no way I wanted to work you are said something that's so fascinating that's just the type of people you draw a certain type of everyone draws a different type of person like I draw a certain type of person you draw people and it's and it's so fast thing I don't think you realize that into you're older when you start going oh yeah that that's the few type of friend I usually have like I'm usually drawn to like I'm drawn to these guys and they're drawn to me my wife was what did it with uh she was always drawn to like really aggressive almost like toxic women you know and so it wasn't until we started dating then I was like hey you gotta get away from those women they're all they're all a derivation of her mom you know it's funny somebody once asked me if I get Aaron and I go I did coke for all those years and maybe one person asked me if I want to have them yeah because coke people attract open yeah we people attract weed people somebody's not gonna knock on your mancave and delay do you guys know where I get some crack just you looking because it's weird so that's how I learned from that I learned that when you carry a weapon it's a magnet it attracts other people with with weapons really it's the weirdest a strap a weapon on and after three months you start hugging people and they got weapons anyway what the [ __ ] going on phenomenal [ __ ] weapons that's so [ __ ] interesting now wait when did you stop drawing people that were when did you start draw drawing that type of person cuz I don't everyone you hang out with now is like like 2099 yeah well after Scotty I got into some problems with some people I mean that's Josh walk but the first 90 days honest wolf said Josh wolf had a very interesting insight on the growth you've had like as I'm as a man he's like he's like you know you he's like you love Joey more when you see how he was to where he is you love him more I was like I don't get it he's like it's really hard to explain he's like he's like you know if he goes you know how like comedy clubs sometimes will only see you as a feature if you feature that only was a feature if you post there they own she was a host if you come in as a headliner they see was a headliner despite the fact of you or feature or host the week before Josh wolf was saying it's like that but like with friends you watch them grow you think it's eat he was he was in essence and I from what I gathered he was like he's like you would be amazed the Joey's the man he is today amazed like a main base but I only know you as I only know you was like a super loving dad amazed that's it really no it's it's when I hear stories about you not showing up with doing Jones with Joe I go no I'm not Joey like and they're like oh yeah that's why I started bringing artx did bring you and you just dis very like dog I wasn't feeling it to go I was fickle I'm really fickle if something's not going my way I just don't want to do it yeah you know I love Joe and all my heart yeah hanging out with him laughing and do what everything we do when you're doing drugs hit overshadows everything really yeah like I remember we went to Vegas one time and there was a UFC on a Saturday and the theater on this Friday and I basically didn't see them till the airport really like after the show we went I went up and did my 15 minutes show got off stage he was where's Joey Joey's God I would never wait around if I had a package in my pocket you're only gonna see me for three minutes after I get off that stage really there was no hanging up now did Joe know did you know oh yeah really it was kill him kill him it was killing them as a human being really because he kept smoking weed at that time yet yes and no I mean yes but not not not no he was just starting yeah like for three years it was really rough cuz I would call Joe the morning up and go hey man I can't find my license what are you talking about I ain't flying I can't find my why's my license in my hand I just couldn't leave my apartment really yeah I was too [ __ ] high and he's lucky he got a call I wouldn't even call you know how many people are still at an airport waiting for me and there's people still in that port calling me going where are you you said you were believe it at the LAX late the morning so then what was it what was the connection between you and Joe that you guys remain friends even through that stuff like what was that like I think he felt bad for me and he loved me how did you guys meet we met at the comedy store like like tell me tell me the we just I got to the comedy store 98 97 and he was starting to come around or he was going around there before me he was like unpaid regular he had just became a regular and you know I had a follow him he had a follow me it was that same family 11:45 we started chitchat show was from another world but he always took to me but I could tell you this from another world you know like he doesn't understand me and he but Joe shot pool so all those years of shooting pool Joe saw the other side of defense my side of the fence yeah then so I think Joe was a little hesitant with me in the beginning with Joe had a friend that died that Joe thought the world of money on a drug prom he was a really good pool player surge or acceptor and then when he died it really bothered Johnson after that Joe was in this and the essence trying to help me yeah for a couple of years I mean it was finally Joe who's Joe and I would never discuss cocaine it was always a little remarks to each other one by little remarks one day on a plane they were just about to take off and he was telling me out when you have a problem in your life and affects every other thing in your life it really doesn't make you really it really like I thought about what he said and I tried I knew like in 2004 I was done with coke it was just gonna be a matter of time I was just hope you wouldn't have killed me before I stopped doing it you know it took me like three years to really I think it took me a year to get on stage yeah Hill takes you in again I'm gonna do it next week I'm gonna get ten minutes ready young giant leap a [ __ ] it was the same thing for me with the coke I knew I was quitting I just didn't know what I was too proud to go to a rehab yeah and had too much pride to go to a program I knew I had to beat this so it took me three years of dilly-dally you know so this would be 10 years this November really yeah that's amazing amazing it was you so when you decided to stop doing coke did you talk to Joe did you like one of the mistakes I see people do is with with alcohol is they they I guess decide they have a problem and then they tell everyone they're alcoholics and then but they're not really ready to quit drinking and so what was it what was a baseline problem which was you know bad or good you know bad in their eyes and bad in some other people's eyes when they quit and then they start up again that becomes horrible and then they're like oh this is their [ __ ] this I feel really sad for them I'm like I'm sorry I can't be your friend and you're like yeah that's why like if I ever quit drinking I'll never tell a [ __ ] soul I'll just stop drinking and just start drinking soda water and they catch out on the event yeah who gives a [ __ ] I go on stage sometimes with soda water and and I kill X I'm thirsty like yeah and I'm like it's just soda water guys it's just soda water it looks like tea doesn't soda it's just soda water but I'll say it I'm like whatever it's crazy so did Joe know you were quitting at the time no I quit like November 7th and I didn't say no nobody told January I didn't say nothin nobody told about January and then like in January I guess I could see people looking at me like okay whatever you know and then it became February and then they became March I became April and then I was cleaning a year and then it wasn't my appearance or whatever anymore it was the actions that I was doing people could tell just by the little action something's going on when Emmys losing weight you know he's he's doing this he's doing that you know that Joey karate video do you know that one though I'm talking about where you're doing the car parking lot yeah is that on coke or off coke I think all those were on coke yeah I didn't do the videos on coke I wouldn't snort but that was around the time though yeah I was it I wouldn't do coke in the day time you didn't like doing coke around people you'd like to go and do your own thing and do coke yeah they're doing the daytime either really no Cokely going onstage how could you oh you never do going to do nude yeah when I first started 91 Saint Patty's Day I thought it was Richard Pryor I did a bunch of blowin on stage and it was no bueno really yeah but even if you're not on blow and you did it the night before or two nights in a row it affects you on stage a lot I here's my question like I literally only had one question there's a whole time he's had a rough weekend in New York where it was just partying Sunday night party and Monday night Monday bled into Tuesday and then you still are there for work so I'm always like that's the one thing that I'll say is that the work is the most important from there 9 am-4 Jim and Sam took noon for Ronnie Bennington and then the bonfire Opie I do it all but I really got to a point one point where I was like I was laying in peg going man I I like I don't feel good like I've really burnt the candles at both ends and this isn't how I want to live my life like I like I want a party but I don't want to party like this I was like now granted it's New York he gets away from you all your friends are there like everyone was doing that skanks fest icre for the first time in a while I see Nate bargatze I see big J but like Wednesday night I looked at Big D I was like I just want to go to your house watch TV watch TV watch cops watched a couple specials [ __ ] on them and then I was like that's like you know I couldn't go out and everyone was going to the stand but how did you feel the next day when you when you like the next day after coke like you'd say you'd start doing code like walk me through like a timeline of about what a coconut would look for you like you go to your spot at 11:45 at the store now the only reason why I would leave and go do this spot is because on the way back I was going to come pick up my coke really so as I was going to do my spot I would call the dealer and say I'm going to the store I'm up in ten minutes 15 minutes I'll call you when I'm out at the house yeah in those days my addiction was so bad that I hate o'clock my mind would start giving me anxiety really my body would start giving me anxiety and I couldn't focus and I couldn't really think and I couldn't hear like will people be talking to me I just be like in this pain and I wouldn't know anything until I was really getting the $60 out of the ATM machine like I mom I'm not like I wish I was lying yeah like I wouldn't even stop for red lights really I wouldn't stop I realize I would go straight on Selma uh-huh that's like a side street of Hollywood I would cut at no stop signs no nothing I would look to see if people coming but I wouldn't even stop that's how much the coke had control over me and this pain like in the middle of my chest and I would get like this anxiety and like this hole and I would go to Hollywood rock and roll routes on I don't know what it is I think it's like something or Mun setta 27.7 and then my dealer at the time was on a block east of sunset and La Brea so I would basically just make a u-turn on Sunset go four blocks I'd go right and he'd be right outside he give me the coke and then I go home all right now every night was different much dad did coke four nights in a row that means that fifth night I'm not gonna get as high as the other even if the coke is outrageous I already did an 8-ball of it the night before sewed by Grandma I'd buy a gram of coke from this guy first and it'd be about 11:30 and I would take it and I would step on the gas and while I was driving doing the speed limit I would break the coke up in my hands with the baggie I would put it on a book I had and I would roll over like a like a [ __ ] keys or something and I would flatten out all the rocks and I would make sure I'd catch that light and at that light I would roll up a dollar bill and right at the light I would do half that by if there was a gram in there I'd do half a gram and one snort and then I'd go home by the time I get home four minutes later I'd have to run upstairs and [ __ ] so drops tears [ __ ] do my first jerk-off and then I go outside and if the coke was really good I wouldn't snort for a while but if it was men's amends I would keep doing bumps if everything went as planned that package would ended by 1:15 yeah 1:30 I would time it because I had a guy that bartending on Cahuenga in Hollywood and he would leave work at 2:00 when he come right to my house and I've come down with a CD and put the money in there and he'd give me a CD with the coke and I'd go upstairs and so you were just doing it by yourself by myself I had a little broad for a while that would go over there and do coke with but she had people that I would leave if she was alone I tried to [ __ ] so what were you do what would you do by yourself just write jokes or I make believe I was writing jokes I would write about my life and the next day you look at his garbage yeah I would jerk off music listen to music I would call chicks I knew that I could talk dirty to on the phone and tell them I want to eat their [ __ ] it was crazy I could do that till 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning watch TV on coke smoke cigarettes and there were times if I finished that package I would call the guy against the black guy and I go over there at 4:00 whereas never open till 7:00 he was out till 7:00 Wow it was crazy Bert Kreischer it was my cocaine life was so crazy than when I quit I had a loan for the bank for six hours a month for six years I had a loan that's how much in debt I was really for the coke use I had to pay the IRS I had to pay the bank I had a pound I would close to like 15,000 attorney fees from my divorce and I'm also old about 16,000 fake child support like maybe 20 and Terry got a long handle for me and she laughed it down to like four where did you meet Terry during coke mm yeah do when you were doing coach yeah really and I would hide it from her she found the dollar bill one time rolled up and she goes if I find another one of these I gotta ask you to leave will still date but I gotta actually we can't do this and live together so I had to hide it from her for five years and listen I gotta bathe you really never hide nothing from a woman they always know they just give you rope Leah and I were at the beach house one time I was really hungover and like like just shaky like I was just [ __ ] shaky but so I took a xanax and I calmed down immediately and Leanne just when you take a xanax I'm like huh she goes take a xanax and I went no she goes don't ever lie to me about drug use and I went I took a xanax and she how did you know she goes well you were shaky making eggs in two seconds ago and now you call me [ __ ] lipu l-- I was like oh I'll say I think I I thought I was totally on the [ __ ] sly no she knew she knew something was up high where you know I wasn't coming home till 5:00 in the morning sometimes I come home at 10:00 stay there till 2:00 and leave and not come back to 8:00 in the morning I was a nut I was a [ __ ] nut that poor girl you know [ __ ] insane that's insane what was the reason you stopped like what was the like there was a thousand raises I saw that movie the black piano player you know the real Charles yeah yeah and I was baffled when they said that he snorted heroin he did heroin he was like in his 60s and i sat there when I saw him I thought wait a second where I am I enjoyed this I enjoyed this but I don't want to do this film 60 yeah like hold onto this let me take this jacket sure I think about that with booze sometimes I gotta go I really I love drinking I love having a [ __ ] Hill but like at the clip I'm at right now I don't want to do this I don't want to be like at this pace of boozing as hard as I am out on the road I don't want to do this for like till I'm 60 I was like I don't want to be six that's the [ __ ] out of it yeah he's not a coke baby but he did heroin to his 60/40 is though I was 44 yeah and I was like I'm gonna do another twenty is this just a little secret I got going on but you know me a long time yeah I could ask any body you could ask Josh wolf I know Josh wolf 20 years do you know how many of his family parties I've been to in the days when they were drinking and stuff like that no really listen I am a very antisocial person and the more alcohol there is the more antisocial I am really why don't like it I've never liked it yeah I've never liked it is that cuz your mom owned a bar because my mom owned the bar by the time I was 22 I was done with bars like I was done like I was done like the kids I hang out when you grew up with love bars and they love being in bars in the daytime and watching sporting events and I would sit there and go it's 11 o'clock in the morning and they're talking about the six o'clock game are you [ __ ] crazy all day yeah like and you know this is really hard to admit because a lot of people don't can't wrap their heads around and about me like I've never liked it I've never liked it and they were like sloppy drunk yeah I don't like drunk drunk I don't like I believe in partying and blowing off steam there's people do it for the wrong reasons and it just texts me to [ __ ] off I don't put my head into it and try to break it down I'm the her psychiatrist I just know I never liked it I never really liked it you still not like they still like that at the store you're like yeah one's gonna hang out however drink you like I'm going on I'm going on I don't want to see nothing yes somebody's giving out yardsticks or sucking dicks I'll stay but unless it's just really weird how I was really social for all those years but I never really enjoyed it I can't tell you how many concerts in places I went and five minutes after I was there was like why am I here oh yeah this is not for me I went to over a hundred concerts when I was a kid I think Led Zeppelin there was a couple bands I didn't see but the last 20 of those shows I could tell it was over it was over for me like it was just getting to the point why am I here this is not what I want to do I get through peer pressure my friend said was gonna be a good time I'm gonna happen I think I think 32% of all ticket sales of the concert are [ __ ] people that don't want to be there you know that their friends are like come on you're gonna love Dave Matthews Oh like I don't like festivals well I see a lot of people I get nervous you don't like comedy festivals do you another that [ __ ] you have to pay my money I don't want to talk to them I'm gonna have a good time we're gonna [ __ ] kazoo kazoo let's spin it and I think that's a good time yeah a good time is now I can't take it no more like when I got my coke I would leave with my top bye I tried to pick up a waitress or a girl but if not no biggie I called bang one out watch [ __ ] Showtime I don't have to listen to nobody's [ __ ] is that do you feel like that now like like if you like like I always say like I love one of my favorite feelings it's almost like I guess it's that warm blanket feeling or like if you love reading books like that curling up with a good book and or like if you like playing video games that start in video games is your favorite feeling - like like get home smoke a little weed and just sit and watch TV like for me I love like I love let's run this back I love when we go to the store and and they're like Stan hubs in the back bar Rogen's hanging out Ahri's here you know Duncan's gonna be here in 20 min and then I go I get excited I go when I [ __ ] live for and then and then I get overly excited usually but like let me give me the psychology of this okay I had a home I had a pool party Rican pool like the one you have with his deck yeah I had a basketball court I was an only child I had my own air conditioner I had my own carpeting in my room growing up I had my own HBO in my room with the box with the string on it we had three tiers yeah you know oh I wasn't that was race ball my mom had money and that's how it was my house well one day that fifteen years of my own room and my own toys is in my own window and my own space got taken away my mom died and I don't live with a friend of mine the only that we slept on his bed the only reason why I moved in that house is because they had that conditioning in the room yeah I call the other buddies who asked me to move in I went to the house knowing condition they ain't saying happening you got cable no cable this ain't happening I was like the top draft choice if I come to ours you gotta have a good house and the Bender's own the deli in Hoboken there's always cold cuts in the refrigerator they always had pasta fazool yeah they had repair conditionings and no curfew they were the top pick choice you know I'm saying yeah all that got taken away from me so from the age of 15 think about this from the age of 15 I lived on couches I had apartments for six months and they weren't really apartment so it was always a towel on the floor or a couch or the shower didn't have a shower curtain when I got evicted it was always something I never really had a home and then I became a comic and you never have a home and you become Antonio from the car pulled up armed with three roommates told her that part of it then I met Terry come she had a two better one but we had a one-bedroom studio you know me and Terry started dating we were making eight hundred hours a month between us what was she doing with you for special waitress yeah then she got the job at Disney and she started making good money but I first five years rule yeah I got the longest yard and she got the job at Disney but our first four years it was hand to mouth it was hand to mouth if I did a gig and I got 500 I'm one time we're driving back from Bakersfield we just pulled over and I came on bought a TV you see I like this little black and white what I meant when I first saw Dana I bought all new brand-new appliances yeah getting a brand new appliances I got juicers toasters TVs he had a VCR I got a DVR I got all the DVD so of all those years I had that thing taken away where you can't have a peace of mind that night I'd have to live with people I have to move him with a girlfriend this the last six years it's the first time I had peace of mind so it's like 2009 so listen I don't want to hear about comedy no more I'm 54 years old I don't want to hear about God yeah I don't want to hit my brand it was funny because Bert calls me with anything goes do you have a spot tonight oh yeah and I come over I pick bird up and we drive down for the store on the way down for the store but it's telling me how you know I can't even talk about comedy no more it's too much everybody I'm surrounded with talking about comedy I parked the car we get out of the Comedy Store we both go to the main room when I sit in that two minutes some [ __ ] clown comes in and all sudden you're in a full-blown comedy conversation I'm like Bert there's what the [ __ ] we said listen man I also said you man I'm not partying tonight I'm going home right into the cars we're doing our spots we're going and your spot was before me you're like if you're going home I'll wait for you relieved and Bert to learn something the last two times it took a lot of people lessons to leave work and that's I look at you one time and you know what this means wrap it up and you got a minute you got a minute in that minute you better be able to say goodbye and Yas because I'm walking straight for that car and I stop it okay was that kid that I met in San Francisco last week yeah we're sitting the first night eating dinner I go how's your mom doing she goes my mommy's doing fine in fact she told me to tell you she never forgot the time when you were kids and you left her a Judas Priest I've been leaving people with places for years well I'd say it's time to go yeah ain't no goodbyes there's a reason why I'm telling you by the way it was a it was a what is arguably a fascinating conversation it's me Brendan Schaub and Rogan and you and you just went no we're going home you got about three seconds to get these goodbyes out yes you and segura are so [ __ ] is similar like he hates small talk it's one of the things he hates going to the store cuz he's like I just don't want to [ __ ] talk to a million people like he'll talk to the people he cares about but he's not there to like I love the I do love the like walking around ruined a room like going back to the back bar having a baby honestly if I go down and there's ten people I like for yeah that's number one let's be as long as we can yes you know I'm 54 and I've learned over the years that if I don't like you there's no reason why I should be around yeah okay so let's just end the [ __ ] this is LA where people have to be around you and talk to you I'm not one of those people I don't need to talk to you yeah I think about you is like you're someone that you make sure that you talk to your friends yeah every other day if not every day so there's nothing we're gonna catch up with at the store that we haven't already talked to talked about I feel old at the store I feel creepy at the store you're the [ __ ] median age at the store of people working is probably you Rogan was Brogan's turning 50 this year right I don't know they'll burn up their eternity I heard birthday was 50 and they're like what he's like 49 turn to 50 Sebastien's young built for license hold it Sebastian he's probably you know when I got to the store the with all the guys and they were annoying his [ __ ] and I always used to sew and I get for that anytime that we're gonna be down here annoying these little young guys you know in fact when I go down I try to teach those guys with the utmost respect because I knew how those all the guys treated me when I was at the store and I always said I don't want these scumbags treating I'm never treat young guys it's a weird time at the store right now because I really like you know wrong way Judd Apatow Rogan / the average age Russell Peters myself at the average age is probably 47 yeah and then you see you look at these young young kids like Tony who's like I think what I don't know Tony is probably 28 yeah and you just go like how much is what you got a you have another 30 years here like I it really is kind of crazy and I don't know what it is but I don't know if it's the age or having the child it's having the child because once I had mercy it seemed like I put blinders on like the [ __ ] that used to bother me yeah doesn't affect me no more at any level let me get a cup of club soda yeah extra copy of course yeah grab that cup right there with some ice cubes in there for Joey like a little bit kids one of the things that like I admire a great deal in Rogan his house he can compartmentalize his life and go I do this time of the kids I do this time of the gym I do this time at the podcasts on you this time shooting archery I do this time doing that because for me I get I get really selfish and at the end of the night I want to be I I want to have dinner and I want to go watch a movie with the girls in the in the in the living room and I want to go to bed okay you just said it I've learned a lot in the Joe Rogan but I'll never forget way before I had kids because he had kids before all of us except you yeah I said to him Joe we got to go back on Sundays and sometimes he would listen to me and I explained to him why from my part I go I want to have Sunday at the time you know think about what I did for five years to turn out six years with the blow and putting us in debt so they came a time they'll answer the [ __ ] with Terry stops I have to prioritize Terry abdominal lose tear and you had already done the longest short right I had already done the longest sure I'd like oh I'm gonna lose Terry I'm gonna [ __ ] lose Terry so I stopped doing the coke three years later I had I got married 2009 and I swore was never gonna get there like I was never gonna get married again it was a mistake it doesn't really mean that it means a ton to a woman yeah the means of time to them I made a commitment to a bond and it was so weird just to her I wanted to have dinner with her on Sunday no club was worth it to me I don't give a [ __ ] yeah I won't give a [ __ ] I mean I got a call from the funny bones some lady called me I but no I'm lying to you I bumped into Billy Gardell a year before he got this show my chromoly and he was confused he was I don't know what I'm gonna do I remember that I just cancelled a bunch of work they try they could not give me good money and I can talk the hand when I go I'm and all that what happened Billy Gardell happened to me they called me and I sound dumb with comedy listen as far as I'm concerned I could care less about the traveling yeah the traveling is what sucks dick and for the record I've only goes what's not good money well not good money's 900 bucks a weekend 1200 bucks a weekend 1500 bucks a week terrible if you're a comic cuz you gotta remember we're paying a plane tickets plane ticket food and still put us above the condo we can pay for our food we expectation times you gotta pay your agent your manager you've taxes you were really walking away with enough for all that work nothing not much I was like you know what [ __ ] it up with calmly I'll do it at the clubs and whenever my friends call me to audition or do a movie I'll do a movie I keep my shirt it's what I give a [ __ ] yeah I'm not gonna day job telemarketing man cuz you were booking movies legit on the strike yeah before 2007 I was writing everything once a month I was shooting something three days four days 2007 Caine that eliminated everything that was it was either that or the age gap I fell into something happen where everything stopped you know just all those rolls stop I also wasn't as it as aggressive as I was for a long time I was really aggressive I got breakdowns I sent audition tapes on my own I was like [ __ ] them yeah you know they would call me and break my balls like come an audition for a co-star [ __ ] I just did this why would I go backwards if I'm gonna go backwards just offer it to me I'm not gonna go all the way down there it's five o'clock [ __ ] read go [ __ ] yourself so that was the end of that oh I got lazy I got lazy after I did my first pilot do you like scripted pilot for CBS and then I went in a bunch of stuff and I just I was like I wasn't enjoying the auditioning process and then I just got it I went in for a hosted thing and I walked in and there was just an offer there like we'd love to have you do this if you're interested and I was like yeah I'll do it as a pilot paid fifteen grand I was like yeah Oh get me more of these and then I ended up doing that for so long that I just was like why would I ever and then right before I got birth conquer I got offered to test for a CBS sitcom and the quote was the quote was I want to say it was ten grand an episode and I was like 10 grand I can make that on non-scripted like and not and then like yeah but it's more prestigious and I was like no i quote need to be like 30 grand an episode if I want to if I'm gonna do something like that like nah that's not what it is ended up testing for it not getting it but uh but I was blown away it like how low now like I so tell me they got a prescriptive series in there we were getting seven grand an episode and I was like are you out of your [ __ ] mind used to be Jane it's not it used to be I remember Kevin James was making I think he was making $750,000 in episode I heard Zia but I remember [ __ ] Charlie who knew it last year it sounds Anarchy 450 an episode he made seven million dollars last season that Suns Aniki I mean those hit shows and so it's over people not knowing that I'll explain real quick so you negotiate a contract for a hundred episodes your first initial offer is for a hundred episodes 24 seasons ultimately and then because after that it goes into syndication if you can last four seasons then everyone makes tons of money that's when you can renegotiate and that's where you hear the big friends deals of like 1 million two million dollars in episode because they know what the syndication rights are gonna be and everyone just made a billion dollars and but those initial you you negotiate for your per episode for those first four years you can't change it you can't up it that's what you get and and it used to be like thirty five grand an episode when I started that was what you're the going rate was and now you're just like [ __ ] you can't get that you know actors are suffering a lot you know with all this there's a lot of viewership but that means it's the other way around syndication money from the k-dog they don't even syndicated they sell to Netflix they sell to Amazon and then people can watch no ones don't syndicating [ __ ] it really is I think actors have gotten [ __ ] the most I look at like it sucks to do this thing that calls once a month with an offer yeah something out of the blue and it's always the weekend gotta leave town so the money their way apart yeah everyone you know what I want to keep these [ __ ] on their toes I'll cancel it Tony I got a movie just let these [ __ ] noise to run [ __ ] yeah but nothing is worth canceling yeah nothing is really worth cancelling you know thank God like when I got a mazda show on CBS this year they called me for a different role I was on my as the uber as I was opening up the uber to get in the uber that I could feel my phone ring and I knew exactly who it was I didn't even go for it I go that see agent tell him that book the Rope really I close the door I looked at it yes it was they really really want you what do you think I go I'm in the car add it to its ones that you know 8:30 I knew I knew this is gonna happen Maz is my friend the other guy is my friend Jemaine the guy's know me if I do a three-quarters of a good job they're gonna give me the [ __ ] show yeah that's exactly what happened we were back and forth they said you know what go we're gonna use you I said [ __ ] I'm never gonna call back from them they call three we slay them so I really I'm saying like yes yeah it's not for me the acting isn't what it used to be like really yeah like I was in love with it right because I knew when I got here and that wasn't the only way I would get into the back door I knew I would never make it as a comic or my material and stuff really yeah so I knew what's so crazy is you you and you I think you kind of set the prototype for what most comics are doing now a hundred percent you don't see that will you went on Rogen in like I say six years ago seven years ago how long for Oakland Park that's been gonna be six years six years ago and we just go on and talked for like just talk the way we are right now but like I think it was at the very beginning of you going these are stories like I don't tell on stage I couldn't tell on stage these are things that just happen to me and they come up with like the drop of a hat like and I think I think it changed the way people podcasted it change the way people did stand-up I think it's fated to change the way people looked at wanting to watch stand-up and they want to do these real stories I remember when I remember when I told the Machine story I remember someone tweeted oh [ __ ] I got my I got I got Joey Diaz and Bert Kreischer now my two favorite people to listen to a podcast and I even listen to you on Rogen's podcast while doing the Travel Channel stuff I will put it in and lay in bed next to my iPad with my iPad charger and listen to you and Rogan podcast and your stories would just [ __ ] fat it's amazing the way you tell a story you don't I know you don't put any effort into it or you don't like you don't like overthink it but your details allow the listener to go there in his head you know I always say I'm obsessed with small details I'm obsessed with small details because I feel like it really draws the picture for the listener I think that if you add a small detail they see that small detail one small detail takes the focus off the broad stroke and allows the broad stroke to become a little more accessible but like yeah your storytelling is [ __ ] I mean it's it's almost the prototype I feel like I've seen I know I feel like I've had people come on our podcast going in my head I go oh you're a big Joey fan like you like that what Joey does like you I see what you're doing like no I'm not see what you're doing but like I go you you want to live have lived a rich life and want to talk about it but that does that make sense yeah kind of them and it's so like and so to hear that I go I do understand because I think we both got in the business when in order to make it you had to be an actor you had to make it be an actor and be famous get on Last Comic Standing and then do the road you know that's how you get into theaters but now it's changed so much it it's like do a podcast do stand-up and that's all you have to do and that's all I do right now that's all I want to do that's all i i I've turned down I've turned down like I'd say turned down but like I've I've had projects brought to me where I just go no not interested I'm not interested because it just isn't like I don't I don't want to be that guy I want to be me I'll do my podcast I've controlled total control my podcast I'm grateful for my advertisers I wish I'd listened to you two years ago when you were like get out of TV just to the podcast just do the podcast you miss TV enough I tell you what I miss the one thing I miss is my crew I miss traveling with eleven people are traveling with five people and going from city to city and and [ __ ] around and giggling and having dinners at night I missed that I do not miss having you know very I had a very epiphany moment in my career a Travel Channel I hope this doesn't offend anybody but a Travel Channel every three years two years whatever the deal was you didn't know if your deal was gonna get renewed and so you'd have conversations with people that work to the network that were above you and it was almost very not condescending but it was very not demeaning but just they could they decided if you got more work and so we were in a very like Huck position of like you know am I gonna get a job you get in trouble and they tell you things like they'd really talk down to you and then and then Scripps fired everyone a Travel Channel and I was still a Travel Channel and they say people called me like and we're like hey man like what do I did like it was a very like flip-flop position like Freaky Friday moment and I went oh [ __ ] so all these people that have always been above me never were above me they were always trying to hold on to a job they they won't think they never really had like some creative nothing on top there's nothing on top of me they had no balls they had nothing there nothing it was just taking orders and every day they'd wake up yeah and [ __ ] the hope that they wouldn't that's all those people off and they there's no intelligence there's nothing there's no common sense yeah there's nothing they answer to somebody and because they have a job that like [ __ ] they're special and they've thought of things they've never thought of dick it really [ __ ] me up because I was like it really got me distasteful towards television because I was like wait I sort of believed in no one knows what the [ __ ] going on they really don't and then and then we did birth to Conqueror the third season while I think after everyone got fired we did it with no boss so I got to make my own product in essence I would definitely say dan Adler dan either Ambani and like the two those two dan Nadler probably mostly it was his vision he's just such a he's a really great executive producer but but it was in the field it was me making what I wanted to make I wanted to make the thing I made I gave it to them they shaped it and it went on air and the network Barry Dick said we're ready to get rid of me they were ready to get rid of the brand they were ready to bring in a bunch of new more successful brands that were really gonna take the network in a new direction and I remember struggling and fighting for the show and saying you know we have some really viral clips like if you would just please like I would reach out and I I had emails that I would send to the president cryptid like and and send them in and other people attached the emails would be like hate birds that was a really great way to handle it because they we're trying to bury the show hey please I think if we share this clip it would really help promote the series but ultimately they didn't want to promote series and they didn't want to listen to me excited know a [ __ ] thing they had something that worked in the digital space they had someone that knew more about that than I did by the way no one at that [ __ ] network knows more about the digital space in that entire company of scripts with all respect scripts than Bert Kreischer I've been doing digital space my entire career before anyone knew what the [ __ ] it was I've increased my but like I've had many videos go viral it that's the most frustrating thing is I'm like I'm a comic I've been doing this since Dane started it I'm friends with Dane I know what will go viral post this one clip no one listened to me then they posted the clip and it got a hundred and thirty million views in like a week and it was after the show was cancelled and I was like I wish I just wish someone had listened to me and that's when I realized no one listens no one cares everyone's got a mortgage they're not being dicks they don't dislike you but they're just like oh man my boss Bob yeah the answer to somebody - and I was like you know what I'm done answering to anybody I'm gonna do my [ __ ] and man in that time Joey I've increased my facebook following by 700,000 people I've increased my my in my Instagram following by a hundred and ten thousand people I have not so I have not not sold out a show in 2017 I'm making more money than I'd ever make a Travel Channel and it part of me goes why the [ __ ] did I a man loved it I love the experience but part of me is like why didn't I listen to myself earlier and Gobert you're really talented you know [ __ ] everyone I wish I had that kind of you know feeling I like [ __ ] everyone you're really talented man you should stick with what you're really good at as opposed to going like travel channel obediently answer you know it'll it'll it'll solve my problems it'll it'll get by the way out let me say this I love citiz - the day I die I respect everyone at Scripps I'm so grateful for this man cave for my house they paid for the all the stuff I could have never gotten never got in my house at that time never gotten my man cave all that I'm so grateful I lied much fun on those [ __ ] trips best thing in the world but like ultimately at the end I go I just want to make my own product I want to make my own product I don't want notes from anybody I don't want anyone to tell me what the [ __ ] do I just want to do my own thing yeah after you've made your own product it's pretty tough to go back somebody else that guy I just talked about Dan Adler's listen to this podcast right now fascinated and you know what and I love Dan but Dan could never tell me how to do this he could never you can never be like Bert this is how you do your podcast you can never tell me how to do stand-up you can definitely make great television but like like I think I think I'm past that I think I think Rick right now I'm just on a half where I go I just want to keep working on really good jokes and just posting them online and do another special I don't know how that's gonna work any more specials like I mean either do a Netflix show you don't do what I guess but like and then just hanging out of the store and doing my podcast I mean it's so cool when you do a podcast you do something different all sudden it like you're grading your numbers double and you're like wait what did I do you know like I always I always tell everyone I check Google Trends like that's a big thing for me is Google Trends and and I always feel like I look at my career now compared to where it was it's so much better like with the people that care about stuff like the people that 1ac comedy want to see entertainment I think my next goal honestly is to do what I was doing a travel on my own dime and put it out for fans to see like I was gonna do that on Australia I want to do that Australian tour it's gonna like I do like swimming of great white sharks I love that I think it's really a cool thing like why don't I go just shoot it myself and then edit it and put it up like just hey guys there's a cool video you know that viral video I could shoot that I the one that went viral for Travel Channel is like the biggest video they've ever had I can read Rocky shoot that I shoot something like that very easily so like that's where I start going in my head like what do I want to do I don't want to be a movie star like I'm not to say that and put that in the universe and jinx myself but I don't think I enjoy movie work I really like that interactiveness of like single camera stuff with a crew I enjoy that I think it's because I'm a comic that Rodney Dangerfield [ __ ] of like breaking up people making people laugh I love stand-up and I and I I'm so grateful I never quit this [ __ ] vlog this podcast you know I wish I tell you what I'd really like to do I'd like to take my podcast the next level the way you and Lee have it like I love I love your podcast I love that you really kind of step up your game and put money behind your product and you keep your booked you have great bookings and you have great video i watch your videos and I just I'd love to do that it's funny you come to this town and you put your career and your soul in other people's hands and I say your soul because for the first three or four years here you can lose yourself I saw it happen to a thousand comics okay percent then lose their soul they when they got here and they were [ __ ] hilarious and their agent told them if they want to sell the show you have to talk about family life on what their house is about and these guys buy it and in the meantime they got a deal the shed only get picked up then numbers of [ __ ] and guess what bye-bye those three arts don't wait for you neither the CAA there's William Morris that are in the business of making stars they want the stars already made you know and then you go through a six year period where you think you got it you're starting to make little moves you start the book films you've you've created at least a niche for yourself yeah you know with me it wasn't stand-up I just had the store but nobody was talking to me for standup nobody was inviting me to Montreal I wasn't getting no showcases Comedy Central said I was too old you know it was it was endless and 2009 I was doing comedy what let's be honest I was doing comedy maybe 20-something years I did Gabriel a shoe shelf yeah and that's when right before their that's when I started putting it together I moved to the valley and I was just hide at the Huayra night and I made them a deal I go do not pay me just call me at night and tell me when your two comics away from closing and let me close up the show yeah and I just kept going down there doing 20 bail out that room dying this is the old huh I remember the old on that gang members I was right that was a weird place to do stand-up I'll never forget when I shot the Gabriel thing he gave me a camera this is a true story when as a present for sure Nate that the time the essential thing the Gabriel gave me a camera a little Sony blogger and I was like this is great but it's kind of brought into the same [ __ ] to provide a lot at it yeah and I think two days later I got a [ __ ] Facebook from Lisa at going my name is Lee I'm glad I'm looking for a little bit of work I met with him I go let's let me pay you $100 a week let's do a series of videos nine weeks I'll pay you 900 bucks and we'll start there you know and it was when I started going from my ideas you know it was really weird after 2007 all I would get calls for were for YouTube movies or stupid webseries nothing paid and one day I was close to doing this deal for this Italian show they were morticians but people in neighborhood thought there were gangsters and and I go what the [ __ ] am I doing with my life like 300 episode I go [ __ ] this I got from now and I'm not doing nothing till I get scale for years people called me with hundred a movies yeah no no no no and all of a sudden one day I get to [ __ ] De Niro Stallone movie they offer it to me how do the blue cuz I knew a director and I have always accredited I go you learned by saying no you have to make your own decisions you have to make your own decisions in this career I love Justin I love my agent I take his opinion 50% of his opinion 60% of his opinion and appreciated but I'm the one that has to do that work not him you know he they don't ain't you a pretty picture he third week a November hottest week in Miami not really I'm saying yeah yeah let me tell you what's going on I was just eight months ago you don't saying so I'm not going back for another year don't ask me about Miami again for another year all right tell him yeah because I'm running this [ __ ] show not you guys that was what went like because I did I wasn't in that position I wasn't in that position Joey I swear to God was never I'm still not in that position no no but I still take it no but you still like I take it I take it that position when I signed with him the first thing I said to him was I don't work Sundays and he giggles and he would call me and go hey man they want you to work something I go cancel a week yeah are you serious I mean we tell me they want you to fly in Wednesday cancel a week cancel a week I'll be that one o'clock I'm gonna find out yeah yeah but you can't do radio you saw the numbers we'll do radio on Friday I'll do a periscope tweeted and Friday by the time I do radio that's that closes the deal why do you want me in there Wednesday I can't do that for tonight I won't do it I won't do it that sleeping there that night kills me by Saturday I want to shoot myself so no I want to be fresh at these gigs I don't work so he couldn't believe it he's even called vari because this kid crazy couldn't go Joey don't play cut the art decides not to work 2017 yeah and then Joey and then are attractive and they couldn't comprehend that well not like regular comics no more yeah we're not doing that i sat here for years I saw Richard Jeni shoot himself I saw Richard Jeni wake up on their 51 and said I want to do this no more but I got no acting career either I got no acting resume I saw what happened to it you saw what happened the twenty Congress in this town right now yeah that were huge 15 years ago they abused their Road they never took care where they had to take care of they never took care of here why live here if you don't know new TV and movies I wouldn't take this [ __ ] there I wouldn't live in California I'd move back to Atlanta or George or Carolina live with normal people I live in Nashville yeah and that's when I tolerate the stupid this stupidity this liberalism Holly I wouldn't put up with this [ __ ] if you live here it's because you don't go to do [ __ ] that's the thing that the thing that the thing that blew me away was that I was sitting in Philly one weekend and I saw my first vlog member I was doing vlogs I saw vlog and I went oh my god that's amazing I wish I could do that and then I was like I better have all the equipment I bet I could do that and I started playing with that I think that was the seed that was planted for me to get away from television doing that vlogs I started enjoying it like really enjoying it and then I remember like sending it to that guy Dan Adler and going hey will you give me notes like give me notes I want to learn and like as soon as that happened for me I started seeing the business very differently I also started seeing that there were a lot of people with their fingers in their pie that didn't have a talent and I was like and as soon as I saw that I started getting angry about it I was like wait like and then I remember going into radio one time and this is post this is right around that after that and going I know how much I'm making off my podcast and then I was like how many people are getting paid here that don't really have a purpose here it's a lot of wasteful money like when I get paid for my podcast it goes to me like I get it I get all of it and so and I think that idea of like going like I just want the product to go to the people that I want it to go to and that's it I want to come up with my idea that's it give it to them that's it trip and you nobody can figure this business out right now there's no age and all the agents all these media outlets are trying to jump on it and they were all gonna take a bath because they do not know what they're doing see we started here this for me was hands on since day one yeah I've learned all the trends and everything on my own which they don't know no they don't have the secrets somebody asked me what I had on the podcast last night I said it's not a big name and they go why not me because it's July 2nd who's really gonna listen to it why would I put [ __ ] Steve Colbert on this week this isn't that week but we still had downloads that we we had a great day for that but it's still like this is saving for the middle of month when you need the numbers there's little things that these people have no idea yeah yeah new company that gives you a budget for a podcast for a year and they're like what's the more you know they don't know and I'm just saying I heard someone say I heard I won't say the person's name he's like hey when I signed my deal for my podcast I want to come on and promote it and I was like sign your deal what do you mean he's like well I'm signing a deal like a six-figure deal with a company to do a podcast I was like that's not how it works that's how it works now I go you got you got to have a good podcast that's how they doing it now everyone listening to this has been listening since day one they all know my first four years or three years this podcast software disaster I remember I like was horrible and then and then one day I got interested in it I remember though I can tell you where it changed for me and there's obviously podcasts better than that moment but I did a podcast with Bobby Kelly and I'm genuinely interested in Bobby I genuinely love Bobby and and I was excited to talk to him and halfway through I went oh I bet this is a good podcast I bet they're gonna really like this one and in my head I was like cuz I'm really enjoying this conversation and then I was like oh I can't have people on this podcast that I'm not interested in I can't have someone that I don't want to talk about what they don't understand people always say hey put this guy on I don't know this [ __ ] guy number one I don't know who this guy is number two yeah and number three guess what I don't want to have nobody on that I don't have like a little rapport with or you're absolutely right yeah even if they have a book that they wrote you might not like them but the book was interesting and you want to know how they got the fax for it yeah or something like that yeah people on your podcast right now regu [ __ ] man like I know for a fact if someone's on your podcast that it's that I don't know that's the one on us and do same thing with Rogan so interesting I found myself with his podcast going if I don't know the person that's the one I was one of those it's Cameron Haynes man yeah I'm like what I'm being dead it was great Cameron hey Chacko I take a picture of my watch when I start working out just to like I don't post it but just cuz I feel like there we go I've earned it like right when I don't work him out Cameron Haynes is someone on paper no agent would be like hey man you know would be great on a podcast a ultra-marathoner bow running accountant out of her glory yeah they'd be like huh but man that [ __ ] is he's changed he's changed me in ways personally that he'll never know his I say his phrases when I get on the treadmill I say his phrases in my head when I watch his videos and I go I go you know what this past week got a rough week party really hard to blend it into three days get to I'm not feeling good I'm in Omaha I'm [ __ ] I'm I've barely I mean I do the call in sick to work so but you drink for it so it's it's okay but I go to Chris Porter show that night by the way shout out to Chris Porter he [ __ ] destroyed this weekend Chris Porter's new hour is funnier than his last hour and his last hours [ __ ] bananas porn is a sabot shoot Chris Porter is his Sam legit Savage what out was is no our it's he's the hey he's just working on it right now but [ __ ] he tells two stories where I watched it in the back and I'll say me and you I'll say well I'll say this I'll say this about us we're top-ten storytellers in this business I'll say I'd say top five but the top were in the top 10 good storytellers Chris Porter blew me the [ __ ] out of the water and I'd literally sat back there going well man he's working he's like doing the work he's [ __ ] trying new [ __ ] on stage every night he's sitting down Roma you know volumes are no more than we can we partied all weekend satyrs room hotel room ah I was through the concept work show one show on a Friday morning and then I flew out to do Colusa casino or knock loose Cherokee Casino Saturday with Cherokee you did it you did it a couple years ago where is it Oklahoma oh that's a good one yeah yeah yeah but but uh but anyway I'm um I'm not feeling good I end up not drinking Friday night and I wake up Saturday have a later flight and get on my Instagram and I see Cameron Haynes and he's doing his fast run whatever his fast run is I thought it meant like he doesn't eat and then runs I think it might he might have just meant I run really quickly and then come home and I went how [ __ ] if he can do this I can do this and then I hear his phrases in my head keep hammering no one cares work harder and then I go [ __ ] bird just get up and run for thirty minutes just one for thirty five over ones yeah one on the treadmill in Omaha ran for thirty minutes came down I felt so much [ __ ] better and I was like [ __ ] I got up today on the treadmill I did not feel like working out I gotta play on the treadmill I let's sit on the couch Joey Diaz is calling dad Joey Diaz is calling I go I'll call him back I gotta work out and but like someone like that and that's what people don't get is someone like like Cameron Haynes on paper because Joe's interested in him and Joe finds that interesting he shares it with his interest begets interest no executive producer could produce that moment Joe's got to find the interest and they share with his fans and then we become interested you did that podcast with our black dude the other day I forget his name the [ __ ] and I was like a navy play no no the other black dude just it was like it was like maybe was more than a month in mind one month ago Danny Brown yep Danny Brown Bennie breath yeah he's great you know you realize it like any Browns a good man there's not a lot of people that would be bought five thousand stars dude five thousand two hundred milligram stars to five thousand stars that that's the difference that's going on in this business Danish and O'Neill man when I have them on the podcast the [ __ ] huge numbers everyone loves it and they love those guys and the reason is they're real they're unjaded they don't come in here with an agenda and and let me tell you something man they are funny is [ __ ] funny [ __ ] funny is fun end of the night comics at the store any agents gone by the time they go on stage and every agents like who's Danish no Neil they're [ __ ] amazing they are great writers men you bring in you bring in a star like if I had Jon Hamm on here no by the way Charlotte Jon Hamm if you wanna come on the podcast I'd love to have you but like like I fool myself to New York to do Jesus and Miro because I think they're [ __ ] good like I'm like their numbers on Facebook or on Instagram aren't that high you know they're Iceland that doesn't get that many numbers no no none of my agents knew who they were none of my managers I had to introduce are my managers but the [ __ ] interview I have people recognizing me in the airport because people get it to get it and they respect people to get it and I was like [ __ ] yeah and it's like a it's it was [ __ ] amazing you'd be great on Jesus and Miro but I hit him up about you and Tommy but I don't know I think I think they're I don't know I think white comics or I think they're probably better with like black comics they do a podcast also they'd get the device Lance shows tremendous the bodega queue the [ __ ] I wanna get him on the pockets when they come out yeah they're amazing they're hilarious there's a media level funny but uh but yeah I just think podcasting is such a weird you've got to be in it to get it to really figure it out you know whoever would have seen fighter in the kid being the bit one of the biggest podcast in the country no one would ever thought let's para they would have done it before let's pair an MMA artist with a comic who's one of the bigger actors in comedy it really is crazy what it's become I'm just sitting here waiting for the [ __ ] caves to fall in yeah yeah like when does this end it grows every month every month we get more involved you know though about in jogos I'm afraid the numbers are fudging like it's growing so quickly like I just did a podcast with Jon REEP last weekend last week I already did it before that I posted it last week highest-rated pocket ice I've ever had in my entire podcast am i an't ever highest-rated how most downloads ever and it's all it is is me and Jon REEP got drunk is [ __ ] and talk [ __ ] for four hours talk [ __ ] like and people were like I couldn't listen to another four hours dude if if a producer would never say hey Burt here's the show on pitch you on Easter morning I want you and Joey Diaz and your dad and Tom Segura to eat marijuana okay and then have one of the most famous Vietnam refugees come in like that would never no one would ever say that but that podcast is [ __ ] bananas it's just I can't believe what's going on I'm just here taking a ride you know when I show up at these clubs on the weekends to do stand-up I'm blown the [ __ ] away if you know anything about me I'm very grateful you know I'm very grateful I wish I could write more faster which is a painting I mean like books or material material Oh Joey the pile you can tell you the power of the problem of you is that you don't realize the funniest [ __ ] you say sometimes I might the thing I've always said about you that blows me away is you say things that in passing that you're just so naturally funny you say things in passing that would be in my act tomorrow tomorrow my favorite work one of my favorite things you've ever said I don't know if you've ever used it a special was you talking about getting attacked by dogs and you first got to this country and you were like dog one time I walked past a dog he saw me turned around I was like [ __ ] it and came back in the back on me and I'm like a 48th Street when I was a kid cuz hey say hello to that dog every [ __ ] day yeah and the owner the owner was a [ __ ] scumbag but I was so persistent that he started liking me and he would stop the dog he's a little boy hey guys snort coke with Lawrence Taylor yeah like this is a big [ __ ] he's snorting coke off top of the roof Regina towers up Daryl dog [ __ ] God rest his soul yeah Coco you know it's I've been going on it's funny this morning I woke up we ate we ate 500 milligrams of moon bars last night who you leave me Emily and then 2,000 milligrams of stars oh we weren't high in the office when the podcast ended we were ripped and then I had to drive home when I went home and I was so high I love peanut butter jelly sandwich I had a whole container of salsa you know diet tortilla chips it was [ __ ] disgusting there was 40 it's it's all over the floor oh I had the raisins the yogurt covered raisins that belonged to my daughter and I blacked out in the THC for real I woke up this morning at 8:00 my head was off the pillow three pillows were on the floor I was like oh my god I'm not gonna would you I'm not gonna be able to do [ __ ] today and I really didn't have a big day and I go you know what I'm a little sore from jujitsu yesterday but I'm gonna go back today yeah and I said [ __ ] it and I'm not gonna go at Wow I'm really gonna leaven and I'm gonna do attack fit workout do jiu-jitsu and then do the tag fit work i'll afterward because I just wasn't feeling this morning yeah but I knew one thing Bert I want for breakfast that Marie tea you're gonna breakfast submarine tea I'm just I coffee there you should go try the [ __ ] eggs and bacon they're brill holy [ __ ] that place has become like it's [ __ ] back to there in the morning now for breakfast yeah you see the waffle something there and I don't even know that [ __ ] how many waffles or pancakes the waffles are [ __ ] beautiful oh hold on remind me to talk to you about tomorrow for fourth of July we're doing a parade start at the school 10 a.m. are you doing it 10 o'clock oh yeah yeah ok I'll be yeah we're gonna dress up is is mercy riding a bike I don't know whatever she because we got because we have a bunch of [ __ ] we're gonna decorate the bikes in the morning I'll call you take the bike over you make a bride the bite - yeah we're gonna do and then it ends at Valley Village Park you have Olivet work yes and what time's it end that I don't know but it's fun and my my you know them Steven you know Steven he's the marshal the parade so they're up front well get up front it's funny [ __ ] we did it when we first moved to this neighborhood it was the first we bought the house unlike I must have been in in right before in June and then Leanne you know the answer so [ __ ] uber involved he's sick we're gonna go to spray DUI I have social anxiety stuff like that makes me nervous as [ __ ] so uh and the first thing we did when we moved to this neighborhood is went and did that parade and I didn't know anybody and I you know my personality's big and loud yeah but like I get embarrassed embarrassed me too and so boat it was so cool and we got done and we didn't know anybody we felt like everyone knew each other they just felt one time had a joke he's like remember first grade when you got there and you felt like everyone was already friends and that's how I felt and I meant to call you today going because we bought a bunch of decorations we have tons of extra so I thought I was like I didn't know she was bringing the bike yeah we're doing what we're all riding I think everyone rides bikes you don't walk it it's pretty slow but it's everyone rides bikes so if you got anything we have a bunch of decorations with that I have no bikes she's got a bike yeah that's all that matters you can walk so we'll ride the bike over here and ride back and then I'll put it down by 1:30 she'll be out [ __ ] cold oh oh oh that's it you got to put him on the bike every time if I'm gonna call you I'm gonna I'll call you when we wake up when we start getting ready to know cuz it's a pancake breakfast at 9:00 yeah at Presbyterian Church sponsored by Georgia just said that yeah we're driving to get doughnuts this morning Georgia goes hey dad they got a pancake breakfast tomorrow that I'd love to hit up and I was like Georgia we're not I sponsored by Murray et I know Georgia we're not going to a [ __ ] pancake breakfast it was gonna be all homeless people she goes no dad it's it's they're like really good parent yeah they looked at more eet it's catering it are you serious yeah I asked my wife sizing as well let's see what time you know sometimes she wakes up at 8:30 yeah she wants to watch cartoons and drinking chocolate milk so we can't really rush yeah yeah but she'll be ready by then she'll definitely be ready I'll call you when I wake up guys she won't be ready for because I would love I would George it was talking about those damn pancakes yeah they had their pancakes Oh with my wife eats them I'm talking about I don't know I got him a read T three times a week for breakfast really three eggs two pieces of bacon the best potatoes in Studio City nobody throws away the potatoes really do not get the hashbrowns get the potatoes onions peppers [ __ ] the lid only potatoes for breakfast you're the one that introduced me to that place Yeah right oh I love that because we lived here forever and Leanne would go there and I'd be like I'm not going there I'm not going there it's not a band I started when I was 39 years old I started losing weight and I was going to therapy and I ran into you and I told you I was going to therapy and you're like [ __ ] that we're just gonna go out coffee every [ __ ] morning coffee coffee every day every morning that's a great that's my favorite place in the world they got a dog over there now Casper I mean they got a bunch of losers to hang out there too that I've been writing the script since I moved to the valley they sit in the corner they got all these connections I don't pay no mind the girls be pulled in we saw you he goes dad it's uncle Joey and we got out I think you're doing to me you were having them you were running and talking to a guy that was a boxer professional boxer [ __ ] Vincent Carlo maybe maybe yeah then the other time you came and we talked to that girl the young girl Rose the 16 year old yeah how are you Joey there's a waitress from the store who has coffee there I see her in the morning sometimes I take mercy to school drop her off yeah and shoot over there and I sit there and write till 10:30 from that I get there like 20 after and I'll just I'll just get actually coming to be there a lot I'll get everything a green tea and I'll set that until I drink two green teas I write a little bit yeah and I shoot over and go to jiu-jitsu at 11:00 next week I'm going going hardcore trying to just be healthy as [ __ ] boom what's going with this week as you know [ __ ] sitting on st. Patty's Day July yeah um it's very weird what's going on right now it all started with that [ __ ] out yep well that was about ten I stay hang on you did say in New Jersey with these Puerto Ricans and one of the kids had a brother his name was doom buggy and we went to his house and we were listening to I've never forget this dog we must have been ten alligator hey no stop right there so the okay not the kid I plan we don't know no just so you know like without what I see when you tell stories from my perspective and I was Sam better I mutton and Brendan Schaub will raise his hand to the Lord and and praise sing my praises till the day's end I'm much better at hearing someone's stories and going that way that's what's the best part of the story dune buggy is my when you just said that I'd write that down on a piece of paper and try to work it into nine different like nine like already I have a joke about getting [ __ ] with with Ralph Sampson and I'm having a hard time writing it because it's a true story and I don't want to go too far from the truth because I it needs to be grounded as Ralph Sampson might hear and he might really get upset but uh but like I'm having a hard time with writing for black people because I need black people to have certain experiences in this that I had they had but as a white guy I just was like they were excited it's but already there's a line there's a line where I go dune buggy would fit not hurt like doom bug you would get the biggest [ __ ] laugh don't buggy had an afro I'm just like I got a [ __ ] afro it's like five foot six and he had a brother named Galdo and both of them were on heroine like both of them with the generate junkies and the parents knew it the whole day and you go over there and the parents would tell the galvo and do buggy they go in the other room don't let the kids see you you're both disgusting Oh so what's it man one day me and this kid and he goes do you want to listen to The Beatles like oh yeah that's gonna put the Beatles on I don't know and he put the Beatles White Album on the way no reefer yeah we're just drinking cokes listen to The Beatles take more cool after the door opens up then how comes doing buddy all [ __ ] up he sits next to us it's like were you two young [ __ ] listening to and like to be those mad things like take that [ __ ] off because you guys know what Richard Pryor is more like no we don't want literature Pryor I won't even know what he plays what songs does he sing come on he goes this [ __ ] doesn't sing these songs as a comedian man you guys like common well I got no no we want the Beatles they put on a Dracula meets 100 yeah I love fits on this album or the [ __ ] crazy yeah this is something he said and I lost my [ __ ] life but I couldn't believe I was hearing what I was hearing I left that house and within an hour I had that out and I would go home and put the Beach Boys on in those days you'd put a bunch of Alba's on they would drop as you want them so I would have prior plan but I'd have the Beach Boys over it so if my mom came into the room I could drop the Beach Boys real quick Oh with that arm and she would hear who drop it and she wouldn't hear [ __ ] [ __ ] this and it's like my [ __ ] next or my mom would hear it but that changed my life like a little about George Karl and at that time when I heard Richard Pryor was Richard Pryor my first three years to stand up listening like as a fan it was Richard Pryor then my friends like you know George Carlin is I'm like [ __ ] George Carlin and they're like yeah George Carlin had opened up another door and David Bratton and then Freddie Prinze so those are my first but to me it was always been Richard Pryor that's so fun bicentennial [ __ ] the [ __ ] crazy and if it was it something I said those are three brilliant [ __ ] hounds in my world like my my yeah my was kinnison Kenneth's in the first one kinnison and Eddie Murphy Kennison the first one is not an amazing really amazing hell or something like that louder there it's hot I think it's hotter than hell out of there now that's a great now no that's liable the Sunset Strip Bicentennial [ __ ] I had I still remember listen to me and like six guys would go to my house and [ __ ] smoke a joint and listen to we had to be 13 12 I might upgrade all these pictures to out calm the albums because I like I liked I liked Andy Griffith Griffith I thought he was an interesting comic to listen to because he'd tell those stories but it's very jokey I went to a football game and they had grapes soda have you ever had grape soda that was the way he did stand-up really interesting way it's more like a Mike Birbiglia kind of approach I think I think I always took at it like I always took a very Richard Pryor Eddie Murphy approach to doing stand-up like I I think Joe and Bill are both more of a Kinison guy like find the point argue the point find the point work at sideways kind of guy I never that never worked with me because I I think and this is gonna sound arrogant or whatever some whatever but I I think I was more personality driven I think people look at me and they go ah this guy reminds me of that guy I can't wait to see what he's and I hope he drinks beer and likes to giggle here you know and I think I think prior or I think Eddie Murphy maybe even more but we're more personality driven you know there does that make sense yeah but like the thing that you have that Pryor has is like and I think this is what I I don't know I don't know [ __ ] but like when you say a name like dune buggy that that for me is that for me is a huge laugh and a story I just pulled his [ __ ] name out plug it anywhere and be like it's or just it's like stuff like that for me I go sometimes with with you I go I don't know if you like Patrice was that way like I never thought Patrice realized why he was so brilliant you know like Patrice were brilliant colleagues but like Patrice would tell me a story and I'd be [ __ ] sitting there like not wanting the story to end he told me a story one time um the cool kid in his neighborhood Tony we were talking about picking up chicks he's like man like and he was not running a bid on me he was just talking the way you talk he's like man a cool kid in our neighborhood was Tony man he was just so cool I watched him and he just take a chicken like throwing from the fire and then one day I'm like [ __ ] that's what you gotta do is get a [ __ ] wet so I just put her in a headlock and then aah and he's he doesn't realize he's doing a bit and maybe he did I don't know I'm I really can't tell you as much as I can't say if you are but like I knew him he was just telling me a story about this one kid Tony and how cool he was and I was like sitting there [ __ ] amazed going I'd use all this in my act I use every five recreate this story and it's so you know which is so frustrating about thieves is that you know they they take what's good about you and then try to plug it into their own [ __ ] you're like nah man well the problem with these stories is that I lived them it is it isn't that I wrote this that okay we're gonna live these [ __ ] things so talk to me about the units and steel is no tuba talk to me about how hard it is to take these stories in your life and take them onstage cuz you I know for a fact I have an attachment to the truth and to the integrity the story I can't just [ __ ] take it off on a tangent and make it into a fantastical story and I had these guys file let me tell you what the real problem with Hollywood this had these guys follow me for eight months yeah see a guy's yeah not agents writers yeah comedy shows I mean you name it tapings film tapings open mics and reseed on Tuesday night anything I did these guys showed up we met three times a week I told them every particular of my story we didn't miss a beat we sat there for eight hours broke it down into three sections they disappeared for any weeks they came back in December and they hit me with a pilot it was so [ __ ] bad because everything I gave them they changed around yeah they played Hollywood don't play Hollywood the story is how it is the pilot was me taking a piss test while we doing this I had a friend that got a DUI they took him to the hospital while he was in the hospital in stitches he broke into the pharmacy and took a vial of liquid cocaine jumped out the back window yeah all right let's ride around that that we went in there and he knows how to break in and we steal the UA that's something there but these people wanted to rewrite characters like the guys my best friend he what the NIT had my tea put himself through MIT he's 52 school is it all you just got a job five years ago you know my best friends on what smallest dude I hung out with but just didn't have no ambition you know Lee below no they came back let's make him 28 and he's like your slave what are you talking about this guy was like my main when I were you is in college we made money by selling blow together with his college friends at MIT you know they took everything and they tried to rewrite it there's nothing to rewrite here I tell you a [ __ ] story while I'm telling it to you this little thing is part of that story that's funny that I didn't see as I wrote it out on paper you know I'm driving that look at the idea I was talking to somebody and they were telling me but I just went to San Francisco and every time I [ __ ] go to San Francisco I get a [ __ ] a light bulb because I don't know if you know this I lived in San Francisco in 85 as a stone-cold gangster really that was a 24-hour gangster the only day job I held was I bartender three nights a weekend Haight Ashbury and a bar called Rock and Robbins but every other movement I did was traveler's checks credit cards and drugs that's what I did all day with these Cuban refugees that came from Mario in 1980 when I was a kid my mom would always call me a boo-boo God I didn't know what it meant I boo got long as it dude that's like a half a [ __ ] but now really he goes to prison in Cuba and he's such a macho latin guy yeah then he [ __ ] guys and they suck his dick but he don't get [ __ ] and he don't suck nobody's dick so I never knew about you know we don't Sunday we just get our dicks under right so you can't believe this [ __ ] so I moved to San Francisco I'm a criminal and one day bamboo si comes up to me he goes do you have a gun and I go yeah and he goes do you want a bodyguard this dude for three days yeah I'm like oh sure he goes he pays like three four hundred a day you want a body gun well yeah I didn't know about bodyguard but I want to shoot people there's gonna be my quickness way of being the bodyguard so I go to work the next day I shake the guy's hand he's a Cuban drug dealer married kids but he's a move I don't hit the people who help him sell drugs a two of his chicks and he just puts wigs on day guys he just puts wigs on I'm gonna dress and he fills their [ __ ] breasts with little cups and they got dicks and like a day old beard but they make believe they're women and he beats on and he [ __ ] something the yours home to his wife and they suck his dick and they help him sell drugs yeah I was telling these guys you know the first day it was just really simple I just had to stand in the corner and be a lookout but the next day he would beat those two women in broad daylight like if they made a mistake or something yeah he would just start smacking him and they would go down and he would kick him the wiggler fall off he punched you in the face twice you can't write this [ __ ] yeah no writer has ever experienced a move out of home because they don't know what to say yeah and I know that gays today have a name for that a guy though just come over [ __ ] in the ass and you suck his dick but he don't want none now if you don't want no dick there was a great comic I don't know his name he's got a show on truTV who has a great story about that yeah this guy's just did it he did it on this is not happening I think this year they just want to get their dick sucked yeah and [ __ ] you in the ass and move on with their life yeah maybe walk wouldn't listen to it so I end up robbing the guy yeah about a month lady comes back with a shipment from Miami and he doesn't hire me to be a body girl but I know he's stand yeah so I watch them when they leave and I break into one of his hotel rooms and I go this idiot I was I go in this hotel room and there's a bag filled with money American money I'm talking rubber bands after row advance yeah I take two of the rubber band I leave the rest there's a bigger suitcase filled with Colombian money oh wow all these Colombian bills I'm looking at him with them like I must have eight million dollars here what do you think I did I left the American money and I took the Colombian money yeah that's how stupid I am I even hired a bodyguard to walk me to the bank the next step I hide this big black guy my god we're getting you paid I went down like 114 cash and they all sat I almost killed myself [ __ ] rights that or even I didn't remember that flowers in San Francisco yeah like last week when I was walking with my wife oh [ __ ] you see the story I used to bring them traveler's checks by the boxes and they would give me 60% of the dollar yeah so if I showed up here with $1,000 and traveler's checks they'd give me six and they use the traveler's checks themselves yeah it was that kinky back then in 85 you know you can't write this [ __ ] you can't and you know it's why I remember one time being in a development deal at NBC shout-out to tall Rabinowitz tall Rabinowitz a taller but I'll say this right now someone hit her up and let her know this the first deal I was ever in I think the first deal I was ever in maybe a second deal versio she was an assistant at Mindy and Michael show us twice and show us I think with the names she was assistant their beautiful Joey beautiful to this day gorgeous like legit yeah [ __ ] gorgeous and had a total crush on her and I we wrote her into the love interest in my sitcom that year like wrote we've made her name tall and so it was like obvious everyone knew I had a crush on her but super fat super versatile and I was a coward I'd never never even asked her out on a date never even talked to her I've not talked to her at the in the whatever but she became the executive of comedy or something or like the head of comedy at NBC going for a meeting don't realize it's her sit down I'm like oh [ __ ] tall she buys it right away in the room I think she bought this sitcom hire these great writers really great guys really great guys III can't [ __ ] on them I will say in their youth and then the in the in the arrogance of youth we come up with a sitcom that everyone agrees on and then they I think wrote it for themselves they wrote it as if they were the lead characters you know I remember saying one time someone my dad would never say that it was the whole premise premise was that you gave my dad marijuana it was about you me and you and we're all here you gave my dad marijuana and and the way my dad reacted that day you remember my dad was like oh [ __ ] it but he was like what am I gonna do and I was like my dad didn't say that he's like no but that was that's what my dad would say I was like yeah but it's not about your dad about my dad and that this really happened and there's a real thing that by the way like a hundred thousand couple of thousand people listened to and would really connect with to watch the parts that they didn't listen to you know that's what they wanted to they wrote what they wanna tell these and they're the writers they they deserve to write what they want we pitched it four times we got a bite from see so let's see so didn't want to do anything yeah then they came back and they go we got three moment here's they go I don't want to go out with that noble yeah and they was shocked I was like my buddy I'm doing a TV show with my buddy Tony who's I I was unaware in the process of our lives just eight friends didn't know that like he had just blown up as a TV producer like I almost arguably revolutionized the business entirely 100% there's an article about him in variety about how he changed the way TVs made and his note was I just want to tell your stories that's it I just want to tell you stories I don't want to I don't want to [ __ ] in I don't want a a format I don't want anything I just want to tell you stories that's it it's one-sided stories he was like if it goes on for Facebook cool if it goes on YouTube cool if we sell the CBS great I don't need the money I don't I know you don't need the money I just want to be able to tell your stories and just have fun and make a project make a fun project with you and I was like dude that's exactly where I'm at right now in this business is I go I want to do [ __ ] that's really fun if it's not fun it's not about the money like I can't list I'm too old to do something for the money I would break it down completely and tell you the truth yeah like I really like if you caught me said I got a sitcom for you this would have pays thirteen weeks it shoots the Santa Monica I'll say look I'm gonna tell you something I like you know what yeah the Santa Monica that's your big problem would you tell me one time dog you can't get me to [ __ ] Santa Monica at 4:00 p.m. know it you know no tomorrow I was thinking about if I didn't have to if I didn't have the parade tomorrow is only gonna acupuncture tomorrow yeah because it'd be that easier for me to be a quickie fine but I run to Marina del Rey everyone's party everybody's Brian leave here at 9:30 and be back by 12:00 when my wife told me about the parade I was pissed I don't like driving and I'm not gonna drive on we cytravel I put - I got I got in the car to go meeting one time saw that it was in Santa Monica I was like how do I get out of this by the way it was like a good meeting the best meeting ever had was a Sacha Baron Cohen's company it was like right here it was like six minutes away and I was like and it was at his house I was like I was in my head I was I told him at the end of it at the end of the meeting I was like hey by the way I'll do whatever you want you don't even have to pay me because I like this drive six minutes no it's it's just so many things nothing I would take I would process and say how I would work around my I did something really smart about ten years ago right before or not about 12 years ago I started running stuff by my wife and I'll tell you why because she's not in the business and she's not a [ __ ] like I am so she would look at me and go why are you doing this for this money no call him back Tom you want this if now you're not doing again Oh emotional attachment to have that beautiful they know exactly they she know if he presses my buttons and I listen to him she said so this weekend I'm in Columbus and I got my press list a big thing the big thing that we talked about after this week she was like hey just don't drink it I don't even I don't even need to do press I do press for the clubs because I go excited because press has helped me my entire career sure so I fly in a day early if the club wants to do press the shows are sold out just to do press cuz that's when that counts for them and and it'll sell tickets for Matt Voltron on Sunday and Thursday and or yeah Thursday and Sunday it'll sell tickets for him and so I'll fly in I don't care if I'm out to take a direct flight on Thursday make sure I get in for the shows have a good night steak dinner or go see full Tron to the club have a few cocktails go to sleep do crass but my wife was like was like hey what's the one where they drink at because she knows in Columbus there's one the Trece what's the very last one and I've had so much coffee I don't mind having a drink she goes now cancel that one cancel it and go to the gym and I was like yeah but you don't understand like this she goes now cancel it and go to the gym and so I was like yeah but I've known these people for a long she goes now cancel it go to traders Joe's right by the hotel go to the gym work out if you want walk around go buy something at North Face if you need to but go to sleep get a good night good afternoon sleep and then go to the [ __ ] Club they're having no emotional attachment to that really [ __ ] really help I love Dave's troop I love doing his clubs I'm grateful for those dates I'm grateful that for the way he treated me business-wise at the beginning this year and I go I owe that guy if he wants me to do press my wife by the way Liam real note was flying Thursday flying or flying Friday just don't do any press and but I'm I'm like I'm like you I'm like I'm I do girls day Friday sadly ended clients like to anywhere that's why in Thursday I do all the radio Friday there I don't do podcasts on the road sorry Charlie I do no I don't do any I so that's where Leanne is correct no podcast we live in the pub we live in the [ __ ] podcast whatever yeah I do a podcast Sunday Tuesday Monday of Wednesday I'm not gonna get on a plane to do a podcast that's never gonna happen there's one I will tell you that I think it's worth it a hundred percent which one Orlando Tom and Dan yeah I don't go to Orlando so I don't matter oh man enough there's no part game we live in the capital podcast yeah I don't need to do a podcast on the road right if you don't have legitimate radio leave me in my room if I could rather joke or rest or go to the gym yeah that's it listen on the road now I don't know why yeah but they got the best rib that's great if it's not across the street or walking distance from the hotel Joey doesn't see okay yeah Thursday I go to my room I take a [ __ ] I take a shower I roll adrenalin on stairs I eat some I smoke that joint I go back to my room and I wait till the show starts at what time 8:00 don't make me have to correlate 10:00 to 8:00 yeah I don't want to see nobody I don't need to be I go yeah go there five after 8:00 everybody seated I go I do it I go back to the room Thursday night there isn't that party a little bit yeah I'll do an edible if I got a xanax are we the xanax smoke a joint and then Friday I'll get up early and what's it like to eat it edible on his annex do you ever do it together I'll [ __ ] yeah well it doesn't feel same as the edible the Tim's the other one it's like having a zookeeper you know say boy you get too much anxiety so [ __ ] it let me get something prepared to xanaxs in the 300 milligram you're on your way take this before the edible no I take the animal first let it stop bothering me a little bit on the flight and then I pop the xanax then you drink a little Canadian the drink a little [ __ ] do is in ginger ale oh it's all over you understand I got the perfect rest that might be my new perfect right you happen so we were talking about this trip maybe I shouldn't say this well I don't give a [ __ ] I was talking about this trip and I'm saying you know the problem is sometimes on the road the Knights will get away from me like you know you get around and you had people send shots to the stage you have really crazy moments and then I said they said what helps the most I said well in LA like if I'm at the store there's always a joint getting passed around I know when I'm done I'll just go take a hit of a joint and I'll just I know that my nights over I'm gonna slow roll my drink I'm gonna go get a new burn I'm goin home I don't like and my wife and my therapist were like can you bring marijuana with you on the road I think I text and call I called you and I go yeah I could but that's illegal and they're like how illegal like if it's gonna help you just do it and then I said what if I get arrested in LeAnn's like what if you get arrested then you're a comic you brought weed on the road that's how that works second you're gonna look you already knew I'm gonna stop you from making money who gives a [ __ ] if you get arrested yeah so part of me was like it was like I called you I was like how do i how do I bring it and but I ended up not but I ended up getting it in Orlando and that was the perfect end of every night it was I'd take oh I brought a one-hitter with me I take a one hitter and and pack it out smoke it go to bed and be done I think that's part of what happened didn't happen in New York although I ended up smoking right even when I get back from radio yeah hey breakfast I just get stoned to the gills I take a Germany to radio yeah I roll two joints once before radio and one after I eat breakfast when I get back really radios only one or two stations now I do first not like it's you know be there for well it depends where you go oh yeah we don't want the camper you don't want your DC to water you come back to your room I [ __ ] suicide nap from 10:30 till about 1:00 or 2:00 this is gonna sound silly do you take like do you would you I know that you're not like like you don't really care in the car sativa but would you smoke a indicus I just take Invictus you and Joe are both like who gives a [ __ ] it's weed let's smoke it Oh Joe like sativa for years everybody you know that one in Hollywood was on a sativa kick and made you create him shut the [ __ ] up just smoke the [ __ ] joint shut the [ __ ] up I think indica would mean no hybrid indica yeah so I got the smallest strongest [ __ ] on the road and I take 3/8 I take three eighths of me on the road three different types of weed dogs really yeah cuz I'm gonna be there three days so you bring three dogs mix it around cuz I love that you're in the middle age I feel as Millard's I bring two joints to the show one from the eight o'clock show one for the ten o'clock for halftime yeah and I put his antics in my pocket Midway during my set I popped his antics when I leave there I'm on fire I'm ready to go to bed yeah Friday I go to the gym around 5:00 I go back to my room and 99% of the time I order room service for dinner really protein salmon steak you don't need the clubs no really that shouldn't kill you okay it's like three clubs you can eat that the rest is just nachos like the salmon lately the clubs have been really you know only in salmon in a [ __ ] comedy club there's no time that's all Pond salmon and then I go back to the hotel Friday I stay up late that night because I want to be able to go to sleep Saturday night when I get back cuz I'm on the first flight out what you gonna stay up late you still play Friday I stay up late Friday to one order whatever is on HBO I'll bring your neck legs okay get up at seven eight early eat breakfast at the hotel get lit at nine take my medication when I go back to bed from nine till about 2:00 I get up I write for an hour I eat lunch and what I write in between the lunch and then I go to the gym and I work out for now by the time I get back to my room I got like an hour and a half but I have to go back to the show yes everything is quick I like that I like that I loved I loved getting I love waking up going to do something like get lunch or something come back take a nap I like waking up around 5:00 going right to the gym and working out up until the show about 30 minutes out from the disaster and just going like take a shower and get a shower and you ready get picked up your leg tightening up I take a nice cold shower yeah so my muscles don't get sore I do the two shows by the time I leave for my two shows on Saturday I'm already packed everything is put away computer the only thing that's out is the clothes for the morning and the shave kit that's it I've got a protein shake in the refrigerator for breakfast so I get the [ __ ] thing and I'm gonna first flight out my friend I don't give a [ __ ] if I only sleep two hours last weekend long album I went to bed at 1:00 I was up at 3:30 mom picked me up super who's that'll kill you yeah then I started taking I started taking the later flights on Sunday just because I was like I almost missed one an Omaha one time and I was like I don't but I love coming home at 10:00 10:00 at night no 10:00 in the morning I love when you get home at 10:00 in the morning I'm uh there's no alcohol on Saturday there's nothing I pick up my check that's the only thing I do it that club manager [ __ ] yeah if there's discrepancy that's a couple I put it in my pocket and I'll have my agent deal with if it's a big discrepancy I don't raise my hand yeah this is my [ __ ] money I want to see what his reaction is to my questions to [ __ ] yeah put it in my pocket I take some pictures I say I take all the abuse in the world come on one drink come on good yeah I'll meet you yeah wait for me I'll be there ten minutes yeah come on no yeah do you do a meet and greet line yeah you saw merch no no you know oh I only want to focus on staying um I don't want to worry about t-shirts I don't want about them sending them back I don't want every about them sending them I don't want to put them on the free luggage on American Airlines I don't want to know that stuff I just want to focus on my stand-up yeah I want my standup to be top-notch I never want nobody not to come up to me cuz they don't have a $25.00 for my t-shirt if they listen to the podcast and they've been listening from the last five years come over here shake my hand and [ __ ] give me a hug you want to share what t-shirt go online you are not carrying teachers across the trunk I didn't do this to become a Salesman then why you're on stage you're thinking about it I have to go out there between shows shows are sold out they don't want you out there shows us whole dot yeah they don't want you that's a problem tell you so here you are clearly so shirt you got people coming off in the first show coming backs up the pictures the picture ain't right the shirts a medium forget the shirt and then before you leave you count them you got twenty shirts by the time you get them in the mail on Monday you got nine because they snapped up themselves yeah a [ __ ] shirt in 20 hours forget it my wife will sign them that's our job yeah cops all that [ __ ] I don't want to take nothing on the road when I'm on the road I want to worry about stand-up comedy oh okay I'll tell you the thing I'll tell you the thing I started doing we'll talk about an awful thing that is super low maintenance and and and good money I you know what bro for me they paid $25 for ticket yeah I'm the best show they okay what do you think about what do you think about how do you feel like if someone said we want to raise your ticket price what do you feel about how do you feel about that I really belong the control yeah $25 26:50 20 on a [ __ ] Thursday 22 on a Friday early twenty five there's idiots trying to joke him up you're insulting people you're just insulting people I had the guy from Milwaukee tell me because I don't know how many comics have come in here so the thousand seats down up to 20 650 sold 1400 next year came back the next year sold 1,900 and guess what they do the fourth year $60 guess what happens to go right back to 900 tickets I'm not into all that we have so many avenues to make money as a comedian today's world you don't have to [ __ ] people in the ass yeah you know my big beef like it for me to vote for you it's not going to be for your GOP or your insurance what happened to this country's ability for you to take lilah and George and your wife to a Dodger game you're very fortunate yeah you go to ten Dodger games a week but most American families can't how about the Lakers I you only make games I went to grow up but I went to see as a child yeah 200 you know what the Christmas there gets the Sixers MBA on CBS on Christmas Day those tickets are $15 America can't do that I'm going to st. Louis next week okay there's only one airline that goes direct you know what's that plane think it was for direct flight for the economy no seven hundred and six dollars on American Airlines really okay what if I had three kids and and I wanted to take him to Kansas City to see their mother was st. Louis so what I try to do is I always thought tommy was the offset of a movie I go see baby driver it sold out everything else is sold out I look around hey crisis over there yeah let's go over now how much could it be twenty-one twenty-two but I don't think there should be 35 hours that's 70 the to drink minimal had such a surcharge and I said that to me once I don't want to do it I don't want to do it I don't want to work for people put a surcharge on their websites I take care of my people I keep my t-shirts low I see people charged with t-shirts and mugs we took my [ __ ] 20 bucks 20 bucks 40 bucks the flatpoint I saw someone selling them 25 or so but only 535 they got 20 bucks it's so much easier for someone to give you 20 bucks in my head than 25 and then and my other thing I go I look at is like might say the one thing and I - I talked to a bunch of people about this the beginning is yours I got theater offers for the first time and I was like oh cool definitely want to go to do theaters ticket prices for like 35 bucks and I went no man my fans I mean I'm not saying my fans don't have money but I'll tell you right now my fans have money but if they're gonna come see me I want their night to be full of fun I want them to be able to get a meal service and get it gonna be fancy drink get loaded have a good dinner get home have you selected guess what I did what I got all the booking agency AAA I got a more conference call and I suggest a lovely philosophy called from New York and it's like there's a tea that wants to book you it's a subscription a ticket for 55 hours ah yeah but you're gonna make this I don't give a [ __ ] what I'm gonna make I don't want to salt that I don't want them to call it I don't want them so because because then sand to each other online no no offense I'm not gonna go subverts not worth fifty five bucks and then that hurts means I go I go hit man first of all I think I'm worth a million bucks but I think on your on your theater dollar budget on your budget go see a show dude it's 20 bucks 25 bucks anything if you if I charge 30 it's only because I have theater offers that are offering [ __ ] $100 tickets and I go I want to stay in the club so understand the club don't want to do Fridays and Saturdays do four shows I don't want to sit because it's bike the way I look at it is I don't want to go to the still have to go to the store Monday Tuesday Wednesday to write material a one write material I want to go to the store on Monday Tuesday or Tuesday Wednesday we maybe do kill Tony on Monday jump into a belly room do three shows on a Tuesday jump into a main room sometime but it might for me I write material Thursday Friday Saturday and then I come home I want one of my time and now that I want to spend it with my family and so that time that I write the time that I work at the time that I do stand if you want to see it it's not a $60 ticket no I don't want to do it I'm gonna be super famous next year and someone's gonna go you said you know it's funny because last year we were both part of the tour that cancelled yeah oh and this is very funny man tickets were $15 for four shows there were what hundred fifteen dollars a ticket for all those shows who did that whatever fun live nation and then Gabriel had bought those tickets so Gabriel says I'm already committed I'm going so when they all cancel Gabriel had the power to call the Fort Lauderdale improv I dude Thursday Friday Saturday the six o'clock show now Live Nation I first blamed it all on I'm game you know like you didn't sell no tickets yeah Gabriel went and sold that all those Fort Lauderdale shows and that's a big $60 a ticket what $60 was a so people would pay the 115 for Gabriel Sebastian Toms to go up you me but they paid 60 for Gabriel yeah it didn't make sense to me and I started taking 100 you throw P like right now Amy Schumer's charging $100 you don't know how many times I've gotten an elevator with people at the town they were like Jesus Christ who went to see Amy Schumer last way yeah I spent three halls on tickets and we had nosebleeds you know I don't listen man I never got into his business to be successful to be Richard Pryor I knew the odds were against me I was a convicted felon I had a certain way of thinking for me just to have the privilege to do this has been an honor I don't have to rob houses or drugs I could sleep at night yeah so that to me is enough that to me is enough yeah the money part of it is great but I lived without money for so long that you're not actually really you know somebody had a great long even time you you can't bribe money a person doesn't want money can't bribe me no more yeah 20 years ago in LA you could've talked me into [ __ ] now oh you can't yeah I don't you a hundred I'll attack a girl and that woman two blocks from here the most important thing in the world to me I got a second chance I got a second chance at my health those are the number-one two things and we stand up and everything else is background music someday stand-up is gonna add doing I'm writing the book in August that the kids coming I hired a writer an assistant writer and get a new computer and I'll just I'm writing the proposal once and for all I wrote it and it got swollen the website were not a business little if so they took five of my chapters so I was cracked for six weeks I said that's it I hope to get the offer by December so I could start right the first half of this year Justin's got bad news coming cuz I'm not going on the road just like you know I'm gonna stay in town and write this this book is more important to me anything in the world the last thing in the effort today through talking about the road she was like how much does how much each other do the road and I said none I said yeah it's you got it it takes either Joey's got to know you and like you or it's gotta be worth his time like Friday Saturday me Walters yeah yeah yeah yeah Thursday Friday Saturday but I'm gonna first fly it out on the first flight and I know exactly how to do it I don't want no drama I felt that listen I'm not a [ __ ] [ __ ] I've worked eight weeks in a row and 12 weeks you did you did the you did the legit road work now that Stanhope talks about what it's like six months out of shot but when numbers started selling the longest I did was 12 weeks that took two weeks off when I went out for another heat with Justin Justin knows I'm gonna work was the problem was when I was doing injustice style yeah I was 50 pounds heavier yeah because of lack of sleep and the traveling yeah I was the numbers on the podcast were good but once I started doing in my way and went from a hundred thousand to millions of downloads yeah so you know like I told you I want to give enough attention to my wife my child podcasting writing my health and stand up for me to make all those things work you got me for two weeks that's it and I could excel in every area that's provided that's put in front of me after those three weeks it's the law of diminishing returns I might make that extra money with the week that extra week but things start to suffer I'm a little tired I didn't book a guest that week yeah man that could not I didn't go to jiu-jitsu that week that's it guys what it is Jono wanna do that's exactly what it is I don't give a [ __ ] what they tell me every time I go to see a another agent pulled me aside and said man you'd make some much more progress this morning I went on wanting to put a clip up and I'll clip up for a week um that night I'm doing who's the true story guy and when I'm looking for my date I saw that Sebastian's there this week and he sold that five shows and I'm there on the 29th and my tickets is still selling this guy sold five shows that he sold 5,000 seats at the same place where I'm doing one show and I might sell out one show he sold out father I gotta be honest to you for nine seconds I said you know maybe I should start going on the road and looking at that side of my life a little more you know that's a really matter what Sebastian's don't I've carved a niche out for myself I'm very happy with it I'm very happy I don't to rub shoulders with people I don't really like anymore I'm very happy I don't have to go to the store five nights a week I'm very happy I don't have to go there on he go night with all the ego comedians talking and telling their stories I'm very happy about that these are this what makes me happy is it you know I can't be around people I really only enjoy out of 50 percent two weeks a month everybody prospers from them in a good mood I'm not rushed I'm not tired I'm refreshed my material abou bruh you ever get to do the Late Show on Saturday no you can't just [ __ ] wait Mikey just one oh you're talking about the store I was like no I never said it happens when you're on the road as a common case the first week is very like let's pretend this next week I go to Vegas I got two shows I do the shows I got offstage at 9 I talked to people told my 9:30 I smoked a joint I go to my room maybe I eat some when I go to bed yeah and I do the same Sunday and I come Saturday and I come home that's one week on the about and then Sunday I got a podcast one day I got a podcast Tuesday I got a spot and what is them on a plane the st. Louis okay Thursday so it would be great man I love Thursdays yeah I love there's this that's my night to sell tickets there's only one show I could take pictures of everybody they put a month with it people see you're approachable they come to the shows they heard wrong Rogen they saw you on re show now you just give them that last push they heard you on birth they heard you on fire in the kid there's something they know you from but then he don't last push to go into the wallet and take that credit come on up yeah I love Friday Saturday I love because I'm going on I can look at pictures of my daughter I'm gonna see you in 24 hours I'll be home at 10:00 they gonna leave I come they come back at 1:00 it gives me three hours to take a shower and go through my paperwork and stayed with my receipts and put all my [ __ ] together plane tickets and my check stubs that's how I like to feel I want to feel excited on Saturday night while I'm taking pictures if I'm telling people to shut the [ __ ] up and hurry up and I don't want to do it you don't like them I can feel myself becoming [ __ ] yeah there's no Snickers bar that tastes that that means you're actually burnt the [ __ ] out yeah that means you're burnt out when you're doing that last half I know I can't have never saying this joke again I can't wait to get this joke out so I have to say this again for the next five [ __ ] days what off this debt that's when you know you don't belong yeah and that's how I was feeling I'm the fourth week and I'm at the pond I come in on Sunday and I was - I fell asleep so I didn't get a guest for Monday you know it just it just doesn't work yeah this doesn't work for me I'll be so tired from the three weeks on the plane that that Monday and Tuesday I won't go to jujitsu and I won't work out because you pay for everything man Joey this this this conversation couldn't have a better times because that's what I have what's happening to me right now is I I'm going on the road really hard and and I think tom tom is - Tom and I have talked about this that well tom is shooting a special in September I see what tom is coming from this is training camp okay training camp is completely different 20 campus if you come to me right now it says you shouldn't be left look special on March I'm gonna lighten this schedule up to October the next two months I'm just gonna right I'm gonna do hours at the ice house every week with a tape recorder and if I get one second sound and it hard what's that Tom's burnin oh yeah okay so if you do that you're shooting a special you gotta burn it yeah you gotta burn it I would burn it differently I would go out three weeks and then do a week at the ice house like just three nights or one out okay so I never looked at it like training camp so I'm shooting my special in February so it's a good training camp that starts in November that's under further November right now it's just throwing [ __ ] out right now you're throwing [ __ ] out by November first you got your hour you've got what you want to talk about now you want to have 1:15 1:30 I'll tell you why because after the hour shoots you want to have 20 minutes to start with it's terrible because now you're lost brilliance tonight you're lost in limbo doing it as material so this is what I don't like about the our situation okay okay I'm shooting an hour so from November lens report of the drink just February you're gonna do that hour every night every night guess what not the special comes out March and there will be seen that out yeah the last 12 weeks the last 12 cities have seen that out of 25 cities that you go to my whole might they will have seen it from November when I started writing this hour in really shitty forms from November to February so I will over have left a couple of cities I'm sure so now what you do is you get the you get the when you shoot the special you have an hour 30 an hour 35 you put an hour 10 down and you still have 20 minutes left to start you in the Wow well not only not only that the your what was not your weakest you can turn in and destroy what was your weakest but you can turn it into strong now the other thing you do is that if you have an hour and a half you can mix it up because if you use the power of that the people will say I heard that but I didn't hear that so now you gotta mix it up every other night you should mix it up with that other half-hour so every night you're doing three different every night you're doing two different half hours but you really have three half hours you break it down into that micro/macro well you have three half hours and you're basically gonna do two of them but you're gonna alternate two three you know you really don't know when you're the ultimatum if it takes you to that second bit BAM and then you're gonna start mixing and matching so when you're our really comes out they've only seen 30 minutes of it yeah yeah this last this last hour I did I took all the stuff I loved put it in all the stuff that killed I thought that was really good put it in oh those are amazing you've ever had one um but then that this this new hour this new I've got a saw I've got a solid 35 that's it me too I got a solid 18 right now if somebody offers me you know I got nothing I could be 35 that I'm really proud of I don't know how to get into it technically I know that it when it starts and it ends it's good and then Leanne watched it and was like Liana and watch it was like there's seven minutes in there that's really hacky and I was like really cuz I can't I had this really great hand job that I was joking I was afraid of that I loved and Liam was like first of all I feel like I heard Patrice tell that before and I was like what she's like I don't know I just feel like I heard Patrice tell that before and then she was like and there's only one good line in it so I stripped it out and then now I'm just telling the one good line in it and then and I have this this this [ __ ] Ralph Sampson bit that I'm that if I could use dunebuggy Jones that's the [ __ ] greatest Joey that's the [ __ ] greatest man we should do that why don't why haven't we never done a theater together like me you and Tommy or me and Ari just for like not for the money but for the fun and to watch each other sets and to help each other out is it because we don't have the same agents yeah probably probably they've tried they tried to put a couple of things together but we're always so we're all doing our own thing that it would just be fun for the like me you Stanhope and Ralphie let's just do it just do a theater together and and and do favored nations which I'm sure isn't fair two to three of you guys but but like but like like as you guys all I mean you guys would tell the majority the tickets but like no it would still be fun be fun I just don't know how like it tolerate it there's too many personalities to deal with yeah it's too much for me you know what people don't realize in this [ __ ] town yeah nobody ever tell you is I don't stand up since 1991 yeah none of you [ __ ] you heard of him in 2000 yeah I already knew in 92 the stand-up was gonna be some first time I saw him it was a feature acting Boulder yeah he came he stayed at my house yeah and then he came back the next year he was a headliner he had evening at the improv really they disappeared and I kept hearing rumblings about this kid gonna lose this car that's [ __ ] hilarious and I forgot his name but I asked somebody when there's this kid have long hands really dirty it was just me and they said Doug that I go that's him so I lived in Seattle I was hearing about Doug and then he destroyed the San Francisco Comedy Competition the one he did against then yeah and they robbed his car and he gotta go gotta go to a secondhand store buy a suit and he won the ten thousand and all that stuff and that's when Doug was making like a splatter like I remember bug listen the first time Joe Rogan seen Doug they helped it wasn't pretty Joe left they're like what the [ __ ] was that religio was straight that Joe was very straight and the first thing joe said to me the next morning was that guy drank 12 beers on stage he's got a problem that's a Joe looked at like that's the first thing Joe noticed really I chose I keep them called beers to drink eight shots like that's how uptight Joe used to be really for Joe smoke pot there's a story about Joe going off on me Ricky and Ralphie for getting an eye on behind the comedy story that Ricky Cruz Ricky Cruz not went to college together me Ricky and Ralphie one I'd ever go into that strip club what's that stupid strip club Dominic I don't know the one down the corner from the comedies oh I know the one hoppy the one Yeah right across from Dublin we didn't want to go and they kept coming why not we got [ __ ] to do Joe had his buddies there and we were smoking a joint and Joe's like this is why you guys stayed here what's wrong with you guys guys have a problem really yeah man and then about a year later he met Eddie and he started getting high and then everything then everything changed like he lightened up are hardly once he started smoking pot it was two different people really he called me that night he goes I just had the best ice cream sundae I've ever had my life I know what he's talking about because I got higher than right it was great he did ecstasy - one time in Dallas when I first met him like loads like I was doing drugs but he was and he did ecstasy and he was pissed like he was pissed that he did it Joe's very self-conscious Joe's very self-conscious like we all are but he's a little already bad so it was really weird that that's how Joe was - well like Joe was very by-the-book and then we'd and life and he meant his wife and kids and yeah now he's the man he is you know you know we all have grown you know when Josh said those statements about me I felt the growth but we've all grown you know but the stand whole thing like I love Doug Stanhope I love dogs I love everything about that I've known Doug's mother you know with the fake tits the cats Doug just shows up in vine people I don't want to be around yeah like last week he was in town I was he and his publicist called me and they said this he wants to do a podcast I say you could do a podcast but here are the rules but it's my [ __ ] podcast what's on your podcast no because we couldn't come - I love Doug yeah please show it for people I can't have that on my podcast yeah I can't have four people in my office they drive me crazy yeah you know and then the hippies whatever the [ __ ] I can't have that I can't have you I can't have that I love Doug that's my brother he's my brother bro yeah my brother I love him more I love more than most I miss him I miss him around the store because he would straighten people up like I love will he's on Joe's podcast yeah I encourage him to smoke like whenever he's on Joe's podcast I'll stop and get a pack of Marlboro Lights wrong because every time he puts a cigarette in his mouth and you hear this look at Joe's face really oh my god Joe I forget I forget there's backstory with Joe be talking to somebody and Doug will be is smoking and every time he is I'll just look over like like cigarette smoking [ __ ] yeah good sits I know you know I love there's so many things I love to do right there yeah but the reality is I'm 54 years old and my plates fall I got two weeks a month my plates full yeah my plates [ __ ] full you know you want me to go somewhere like I'm gonna doing this month I got three weeks that's a rarity because Vegas is fun Vegas st. Louis I got one night double gotta try flying Friday 2:00 in the afternoon great go to my room either stay work out go to bed early get up Saturday do the show and I'm back on a 6:00 a.m. flight Sunday morning I get to LA at 10:30 I'm there's no drama in my life bro and then I feel bad for people I really feel bad for people but they don't understand that I get off on that I have been like this at some point yeah when I was 20 I would play tricks on my friends and I couldn't believe how crazy it would drive them like just disappearing on a Friday yeah and I just be home watching TV with a bong and they'd be going like why didn't you where were you Friday night it's the busiest night of the week doesn't mean that coming last weekend cover that some kid came up to me and he was this great kid but he asked me four times after the show what are you drinking you wanna do a shot I told ten times I don't want to ash I'm just gonna drink soda and talk to this guy here you want to take a picture let's do it again do you really come up with what kind of shot do you want yeah dog I don't want to be like they don't get it that I'm not gonna budge at all yeah my people do not understand that it's the way I am and you're not gonna I don't give a [ __ ] like I don't even like people who drink at dinner really like why go to a restaurant with you and you start ordering cocktails it bothers me we came here the drink somewhere else somewhere else take a [ __ ] hike well when I go to drink it snort coke I wanna drink a snort coke don't play pool I don't want no darts flying through the [ __ ] air I wanna try to play pool yeah what I drink I don't want movement I don't like movement yeah like it right now me and you brought to chase here I don't like a lot of movement once they says talking and that relax let's call my friends no don't boy your friends Senecas boy ain't nobody else coming in I throw them out I got a certain amount of coke both use a sucking dick and that's all that's gonna happen here tonight I don't like no Outsiders like that scene which I went in Goodfellas when she said there was never no Outsiders yeah I grew up there's no outsiders yeah well I'm like Bert to my house don't bring somebody I'm so lost don't bring none of your creepy friends I don't know I don't want them to see all we're doing here like I was raised the I'm saying like yeah I'm more secretive I don't like movement when I get when I was soil you know I didn't like people around I don't cope cuz I don't want to hear it yeah I don't want to hear it what the Coker's shut your mouth and watch TV or I didn't like people if I was doing coke I didn't like people that messed with the radio that song was the whole song no no let's move then they the TV once is six or seven people I take my cocaine and go home I like snore were one or two and women like if I brought a woman I never brought a woman up to my room that was 5050 yeah like if she's like wow I have a boy listen here's the deal yeah I got an eight ball of coke you want to do a line the walnut to my room but I'll tell you what and within an hour we'll put you to work what does that mean these are gonna be sucking dick gonna being you [ __ ] you mean ass and they would turn pale yeah and some of them will walk away but some of them will come if they came in what time it was I didn't play don't company and snore my coke and tell me your story you're on the period cuz I throw you out the window I try I would even tell me you're not on your period are you know okay then you come out because if you waste my time with that bloody [ __ ] you come up and you get that bloody [ __ ] like I do suck titties and get a [ __ ] I'm gonna be pissed the [ __ ] all such different people oh no no I don't like none of that [ __ ] like no drama I'm gonna start no I never understood well I go to eat I go to eat you want to drink over and drink with your blood is interesting that tomorrow we'll be hanging out and decorating bikes and going on a like it's interesting that we're friends but but we're so different people I had a friend in high school I love them to death I still talk to my best friends in life he was always Johnny will walk all right we were kids when we were kids and we go to his house Johnny from Bois ok yeah I'm the type of guy you got Weinberg Kenny once yeah give me the [ __ ] bottle you give me the bottle and I pour it in this glass and I drink it yeah no there's always [ __ ] hold on let me go get a wine glass yeah just give me the [ __ ] glass what's with a wine glass the aromatic listen shut the [ __ ] up before I smack you just give me the [ __ ] one yeah he would always come down with wine glass it would piss me the [ __ ] off to know it and the girls are being pressed oh my god shut the [ __ ] up drink the wine just shut the [ __ ] up drink like a [ __ ] wine yeah I got one of those guys I don't like no drama and the people I grew up in what time was it dinner with my friends I'm gonna forget this I still talk to them the Holloway's Roger had just graduated high school the craziest family I grew up with yeah dad was a bookie mom worked in the city on the ship like here for shipping company and it says 18 we just graduated high school hate to this to a fancy restaurant and I'll never forget the guy comes over with the thing in front of him yeah mr. Holloway says can I get a bottle of wine the guy comes over thinking front of them he's you know takes the bottle and he pours a little he tasted first I'm gonna forget in high school in high school my friend looked at attenti just give me the [ __ ] wine the guy's face turned pale really I just give me the one I don't wanna know show ya you have to taste it you know just gonna take a [ __ ] hike give me the one like we all froze Oh like I grew up with people like that like one time we were a buffet and some fat chick was here it's and I kept looking at my friend Roger and he was eating but he kept looking at it and he would look at it and he would get mad and you look at it finally I saw him put the fork down and he threw the napkin and he went up to the chicken he goes from the ask you a question cuz he kept eat all the spare ribs there was this place that gave you a half a spare rib yeah and she was taking a wall and she was dipping her fat little fingers in the spareribs and putting them back and my friends like two weeks after the incident with the [ __ ] wine guy yeah he went up to this chicken goes let me ask you a question before you eat that wing before you eat that rib do me a favor go to the bathroom look at your ass and ask yourself do I really need this rib I'm gonna forget we turned purple yeah the people I grew up with were very like we don't like chitchat oh yeah there's no chick like my wife she woulda got killed really my friends with a stab that's so funny Terry so he's a sweetheart yeah we she's so so nice to do chitchat oh I'm death yeah don't be chitchat oh if you've got something to say say it don't be chit-chatting yeah I don't like that sitcom mentality like little jokes my friends would have killed him yeah my friends would have stabbed they didn't like that either you get in the car with them shut the [ __ ] up somebody comes to the window say well you have a say we're from that mentality we don't know nothing hey where's the point I don't know are you guys going I don't know where we're gonna go you know step on it hello you know we don't know we came from that type of society like Santeria like Santeria like the Cuban religion yeah it's so funny out I want you to Jitsu the ID there and there was a kid because I go to two different places to jujitsu and I went to this one place too one day and the kid is as a friend of mine and that guy's a big Santeria guy and he goes do you talk to him like I talked to him three times a week I'm just not involved with his type of Santeria and he goes what do you mean they go I was raised with Santeria you kept it quiet he's raised like Jesus that he spread the word and getting people that don't you want even though he's in Santeria it's funny because I've been to his things and it's white people who don't know what they get involved into yeah they're just doing it to be cool this is a place where religion is very cliquish people aren't really religious in California we have they're really not they're there they go to church because like I went to that church on the corner of Moorpark and COFA my wife goes to that church with the baby on Sundays yeah do you don't want everyone back there or because a girl told me at church oh my god the guy from Breaking Bad's father comes here and restored you know I went to Catholic Church once in Hollywood the guy was the Usher that's the only people want people with going to James Woods was the usher at that church that that's the only reason why people would go there was to see James Awards and to ask more questions about casino that's not religion where I came from yeah so it's so weird it was really it's Santeria that much differently go no it's more quiet in the Cuban religion we're not throwing in your [ __ ] face so you're sitting there going what the [ __ ] these people doing yeah it's more quiet he's a black guy he walks around with a white robe on he's great at what he does but it's two different styles yeah you know I came from the style my whole society was very more quiet don't speak unless you're spoken to if you don't know shut the [ __ ] up yeah if you don't know don't say to me well I didn't know then you should have said nothing right you didn't know don't say nothing don't [ __ ] say nothing you know that's the kind of so it's kind of that's where I'm differently I don't like the chit jata I think it's like Tom's that's wrong yeah you know it's the girls when I leave the store like I love comics but it's so weird like I don't find the social life for comics yeah like there's very few comments I have a social life with I'm friends with Joe row and he's my brother well I'm not so sure with Joe Rogan my children don't play together we don't really do anything together except calmly you know Joe and I are completely different individuals but when Joe and I sit down on the plane together and there's no distractions we talk Tommy Joe knows what the [ __ ] I'm saying yeah and Joe respects what the [ __ ] I'm saying and where I'm coming from but it but Joe and I had two completely different people I love them you know you you say you like to drink at dinner I can't you know that right I can't no because when when I was broke I have that mentality from when I was broke when you're broke you're taking ground on a dinner you got a hundred bucks this [ __ ] once order $14 more you know [ __ ] there goes your appetizer you know I'm saying yeah so you used to draw them like when you're broke and the chicks ordering drinks you can't even focus you just count on the eight dollars a pop yeah then you got $120 to spend you got a [ __ ] to you when I get blow so that's why I think someone's breaking into my house let's break into my [ __ ] where you get the alarm holy [ __ ] what did you hear the garage door all got in here [ __ ] we should wrap this up Joey we've done three hours with thymosin it's uh midnight Jesus Christ [ __ ] yeah it's midnight beautiful um thank you for having me brother you know I love a pleasure st. Louis next week the Borgata July 29th that's it I love you brother [Music] [Music] you this episode was brought to you by the machine

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 678,944

Keywords: Bertcast, Podcast, Joey Diaz, Joey Coco Diaz, Bert Kreischer

Id: YIPT7a4dx3U

Length: 173min 50sec (10430 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 05 2017