jimmy's most savage roasts | Jimmy Carr

what sorry is that bug fast no that's water you've probably heard of it [Applause] who's the most famous person i've ever met well i might once met her uh the um quite an impressive one i don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how villagers have got idiots yeah i met the idiot for the whole of glasgow [Applause] what do you do i didn't ask what do you do i have a diving school in indonesia you have a diving school in indonesia wow i mean i've heard some tall stories that pedophiles take you're a sexual tourist you disgust me what kind of diving that sounds [ __ ] great cool well done you i was going to go diving in indonesia last year but i i read this thing online that said you can you can get a thing where growth on your face [Applause] size isn't important it's what you do with it would you agree with that ladies [Music] there's a lady over there that likes a big [ __ ] and she doesn't care who knows it sorry it's quite possible you just whispered down and picked up an echo i've just i've just always thought that's such a [ __ ] expression sizes important it's what you do with it well i was trying to pop it in your mouth and your vagina how's that is that going to be a total waste of time i tried some viagra recently has anyone else tried it yes you are well i have my honesty there sir i tried it because you can now get over the count of viagra although that sounds powerful over-the-counter you say like a [ __ ] cosh did you read the instructions when you tried it sir uh i didn't you didn't i did can i take these kind of things seriously because it's a medication even though it's a fun medication it's a medication nonetheless i was reading on the instructions for viagra it says keep away from children i thought what kind of a man do they think i have that can't maintain an erection with a child like the fact that child has applauded that very loudly see that there's a child in a green t-shirt you are a child i'm going yes finally someone that can get hard with me you [ __ ] maniac how old are you sir you might be asking i'm 14. you're right i can't talk to you any longer it would be grooming are you here with your mum oh mommy's little i bender it i like it look at the mouth from the telly talk to me i'll be checking in with you in a bit that's probably enough looking around some of them have made no effort you've not made an effort have ya oh bless him no lie look at you i'm sorry your comment there is i haven't made much of an effort well there's some cameras and some [ __ ] lights i don't know what you had in mind it's not like i could come to your work and knock the sailor's [ __ ] out your mouth is it [Applause] [Music] just notice does that can you want just keep a little bit quiet for a second i've just noticed there's a man over there that pit in a blue jumper i think he might be asleep if you could just keep quiet around him just shush oh [ __ ] he's woken hello you're having a [ __ ] weird dream aren't you i wouldn't fall asleep again something very bad will happen i was going to teabag him [ __ ] it's annoying wasn't it sounds like it would have been a very popular choice what's your name stephen you had to have a little thing though didn't you all right and what you do stephen you're a footballer who who do you play for stran ra he's a footballer he plays for stran raw okay i'm [ __ ] [ __ ] at football as well mate don't worry about it that's fine don't worry about that don't feel bad strand run is that five aside is it you got a full team wonderful well i bet you're a great kicker you're lazy [ __ ] try and pay attention it's not like people fall asleep when strand rap like oh no hang on that's a bad analogy you lazy [ __ ] are you all right in the back excellent it's not nice to hear that because often when i go to comedy shows and i go to them all the time i love coming out to see live comedy the thing is though if i'm sat right at the back i'm a little bit disappointed let's get my ticket go oh for [ __ ] sake i'm [ __ ] miles away but there are of course advantages to being right at the back you get more of a sense of theatre of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor what a wonderful thing that is the great british musical spirit and also if you're right at the back this sort of thing won't happen i [ __ ] your mum that's not going to happen to any of you i've got nothing but respect for your mums they're hard-working decent women your mom slows me a tenner i'm joking oh her tenna bluff i'm your real dad kidding no one knows who your real dad is amazing your mom there is it sorry [Applause] this is a bit awkward uh hello sir she's brilliant in bed and she well sorry i don't remember her what that's the thing that annoys you not the fact i [ __ ] your mum the fact you don't even remember [ __ ] my mum well thankfully you all seem to be laughing you all seem to have taken that quite well what's your name sir julo [Music] giulio how how did you know you were having a gay what were you thinking as as you gave birth you know i hope he's a little bender uh i'll tell you what i'll call him julio is that your girlfriend or beard as i like to go well done it's almost like you're protesting too much sorry you're clearly getting a bit of a hard time but you know you you're smiling through it because at a comedy you're expecting people to be a bit you know there's a little bit of banter you maybe weren't expecting that you're expecting a bit of band the problem comes when you do this for six or seven days in a row and then you find yourself back in the real world doing something a bit mundane on a monday morning i don't know maybe buying stamps at the post office and there's a bit of cheeky banter between you and the lady behind the plexiglas i saw you on tv on friday night did you what'd you think well you've clearly no match for jonathan ross well that's interesting because i [ __ ] your mum don't cry i'll go now i don't know if anyone's seen any of the other tv shows that i made i make a show called distraction at the moment has anyone seen that oh just about everyone one person liked it well that's good if i can entertain just one man i'll have been [ __ ] the distractions are quite good it's it's channel 4's replacement to sex in the city just imagine the city is dundee and the sexes anal you get the idea i i do another show called your face or mine has everyone seen that it's it's quite good fun i think it's a fun show it's a shallow as a tinker's bar or no offense i didn't mean but you know it's quite a fun show it's it's basically about couples it's about looks in relationships who here thinks looks are important in a relationship quite quite a few of you being honest this evening i sort of sit on the fence on that one i looks important in a relationship you don't look at the fireplace when you poke in the fire do you but you do when it's sucking you off so are you two a couple do you mind me asking how on earth that happened what was what were you thinking you don't know you do a lot better than that you're punching way above your weight not just a little bit it's a different league well done is that money or personality or low self-esteem on her part lovely little mix of all three that's basically the show your face of mine that's it that's all we do we'd string it out half an hour the magic of television well that is quite awkward sometimes because there's quite young couples on the show and you know they're 19 or 20 and they're talking about their looks it can be a bit bit awkward sometimes we had an incident on the show where a woman came on with a medical complaint i'm not sure what the correct medical term is but she had she had a wonky face i'm pretty sure that's not the great medical term but she wasn't an unattractive girl either she was quite good looking but one half of her face was a lot lower than the other just a bit wonky what happened is she'd sent in a video tape to be on the show and recorded it rather courteously like that and then she turned up and gone like that and we'd all gone like that and obviously the producer said well this is you know it's quite a serious thing there's a show about looks and she's got a wonky face we've got to at least address it for the audience i thought what am i going to say what's with a wonky face i didn't say that i i said could you tell me about your face and luckily she played along she said yes there's a story behind this when i was 11 i had a skiing accident i was skiing down the side of a hill and i skied into the side of a chalet and i broke my leg and my arm and my jawbone and my cheekbone and my eye socket and i had to be airlifted to hospital and i said at least you got to go in a helicopter her face fell sadly it didn't even up that would have been rather miraculous hi i'm jimmy carr the guy you just saw in that video thanks for watching it because uh somehow i get money from that i don't know how i don't i don't know but probably probably it filters through some sort of advert that you watch before you watch the video maybe or maybe you subscribed anyway thanks for watching it and somehow that benefits me and hopefully i'll see a live show at some point further down the sunny road good luck

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 204,728

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, satire, jimmy carr roast battle, jimmy carr roast of rob lowe, jimmy carr roast pete davidson, jimmy carr best heckles, jimmy carr best roasts, jimmy carr best jokes

Id: 2kIAcq5iEYg

Length: 12min 21sec (741 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 08 2022