Jimmy Roasting The Audience - VOL. 2 | Jimmy Carr

there's a lot of cliches about gypsies maybe you can help me out this sir have you ever tarmac to drive no of course not you just take the deposit and [ __ ] off you block paved a few yes you see to my mind that would be the same thing I love the fact you made a distinction never tarmac to drive no block paved a few Verdun I can't imagine that's what he's getting at what's your name Lee hello Lee [ __ ] a lot yeah nice to meet you no it's lovely to have you in you seem to have taken that in the right way I did that joke at a gig a couple of weeks ago so when I do that joke I've got to pick on someone from the audience so I do is I look around quickly and I pick on someone for me it's like a biking I love swearing I've always quite sorry what's that I missed a bit of chat it's not the telly if you talk I can hear now you're looking pissed off you're thinking I didn't press the red button it's got all interactive what were you saying go on say it thought you you just said I thought you were talking about snake bite the drink yeah what what happened was okay in a joke a joke is like two stories yeah and the first story makes you make an assumption about something so the assumption people made about snake bite in in that joke was that it was a snake biting you that's the setup of the joke so you made the assumption he's talking about a snake bite a snake biting someone in the second part of the joke often known as the punchline what you'll what you'll find is that rug will be will be whipped from under you and you'll realize that the assumption you made was erroneous suddenly revealing a fact that was previously concealed is the nature of all one-liners Badham so in essence I was talking about both the snake bites the thing that happens when a snake bites you and also the drink no problem at all it's lovely to help sake it's nice to have you here this evening because I think one of the charity gigs I did help pay for the minibus that brought you here nice to see that money wasn't wasted Oh bless a little huh what are you making of the rest of the show are you just enjoying the spangly thing would you [ __ ] your dad to save your mum I don't know why you're looking sub say it's easy for girls he's ugly imagine that being a factor imagine picking yar would [ __ ] my dad but he's not a looker he's let himself go maybe five years ago would you sir he there oh hi so if you want me on skis your mum here as well brilliant well we can actually do a proper test now I've got snipers all the way around this building and they're pointing a gun at your mother yeah we're gonna kill her your mum's been taken hostage she's gonna be killed we would like you to bomb your dad yeah of course it's difficult not saying you wouldn't be coming in a softy that's fine you say let her die sorry you hang on your wheel we know in Norfolk what you booing you're booing a man saying I wouldn't bum my dad just take a moment to think about that all right so you've made your decision sorry sorry mum it's all right mum is that is that your daughter there same question to you I love my job what point did you think there's a family disobey a good show to go see never mind that Lion King [ __ ] let's bring the kids out to see a proper show where we openly discuss incest I can see a couple of a couple of kind of older gentlemen how old do you say you look a little bit older than ya 70 well 70 is quite old I think yeah nice to have you here sir nice age range what do you do fine would you you've earned that frankly some of these [ __ ] layabouts but it was different in your day was this 70 about you were loving the anti-german cellphone yeah yeah [ __ ] em you know what PC or no PC we won it fair and square the thing I was gonna say was I've been I've been told this one have you ever said to anyone yeah the problem with your generation you think you invented sex you ever said that to anyone no yeah my granddad said it to me he said the problem with you lot you think you invented sex I said why my granddad have you ever [ __ ] Nana up the ass pull that come on it it's turns out he had that's what killed her [Applause] what's the matter with that and don't you dare be offended by that yeah you know by their being a 70 year old man I bet you were crazy for in the war Jesus there being a war on I bet you got more poontang in those years yeah we could all die tomorrow it's the best Childline in the world who you here with she looks mortified what I'm glad I can only apologize for the last bit of material about the granddad with a bum sex in the coming because I imagine why I've created is the longest journey home ever err dad I enjoyed the show let's never talk again Oh your hair why I'm just saying I'm just I like a spy skills as much as the next man but it knows I can't help noticing you've got a tattoo on your butt what's your boob isn't it really it sort of draws the eye what is that exactly it's a rose as if boobs aren't fun enough as they are she's thought I'll brighten these things up no fellas gonna like these what a guy's like that like flowers don't they yeah I'll get a flower do you not think what do you like what kind of thing you look like this or blow the like cars and guns and tanks get a nice tattoo of a tank on your tip lovely it could be you know and go no with that Sherman his flowers unless he's secretly gay and I'll be honest there's a lot of earrings and spiky hair good what happened there you were saying that you liked my joke well thanks very much probably noise since you I was chatting to these men that were having a conversation in front of you but that's fine you you've caught my eye now what do you do madam you work for nationwide in human resources I imagine you've been saying to people well you're fired while obviously we have done [ __ ] up the country [ __ ] off good on you Human Resources the the lady Sciences [Music] it's the important thing in a relationship trust a lot of ladies saying trust any other cricket cooking cooking is the most important thing a youth acai from quantum leap if you just got here from 1970 cooking is the most important thing in a relationship have you ever become engaged by awarding someone a bread maker by any chance well sorry nah grow up who are you in a relationship with you're my little pony ultimate sexual fantasies anyone got one they wouldn't mind admitting to Jessica Alba it's a specific person that you that you would like to bone well I happen to know Jessica Alba does an awful lot of work for charity maybe my girlfriend well maybe we could double-team my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you because you're famous and I say bye and famous what's your point is that your girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not gonna swap if that's okay you got arrested for flashing well don't take it out on me what you mean you got arrested for flashing you go prepare this you have like [ __ ] to me what were you going for this get set the scene for us I've never met anyone that's flashed gone go for piss in a primary school got in a car park okay in a car park outside you go for a piss court shorts late at night fine okay you went up against a tree turned out wasn't true was a fat girl go on so you walked up to a tree to take a pee in a carpet this doesn't sound terrible so far I'm on this guy side go on there was a woman in the trees says that you've broken dogging etiquette by pissing on someone so you want him to take a piss on a tree and there was a woman in the tree she's walking okay and it was outside a police station kind of a [ __ ] idiot are you you he went for a piss in the police station car park why don't you just turn yourself in that's a cry for help if ever I heard one locked me up before I hurt someone and what did she scream did she come out what happened they came out and arrested you for indecent is it because you're a bit ginger do you think they would have let you off if you hadn't been quire's I'm sorry about these lights as well we could well be giving you skin cancer sorry I can't help but notice you look quite young there how old do you search you want me asking you what sorry you're 13 and you did you did you understand that grooming joke just I could explain to you backstage offer [Applause] most natural thing in the world and you who are you here with you dad you're fine with this filth aren't you sir are you fine with this level of Filth you could give a [ __ ] well the good news is you've got cooled that the bad news is you're gonna have to go into care he's not very responsible I was reading on the instructions for Viagra it says keep away from children I thought what kind of a man do they think I have that can't maintain an erection with a child well the fact the child has applauded that very loudly see that there's a child in a green t-shirt you are a child I'm taking going yes finally someone that can get hard with me you [ __ ] maniac how old are you Sergey mommy asking you're 14 right I can't talk to you any longer it will be grooming are you here with your mom Oh mommy's little bender [Applause] look at the map I'm gonna tell you talk to me this evening you won't sing you're single no panic I've got some advice point if you really like a girl than you asked her out and she says to you I love you like a brother suggest a weekend in Norfolk unless you're from Norfolk in which case it probably is your sister so are you from Norfolk you don't look like you from the hook you're from set foot in Norfolk and is that your sister girlfriend both so and you're here with your sister not really no Saturday night a my sister she's a looker have you ever with how many asking do you think do you think your sister is attractive can I ask do you think she's attractive or not she's okay give me one that's very low sorry what about you love I can't believe her he's from Norfolk and his boys sister it could scarcely be better amazed you didn't bring your mom did you split up Oh marvelous imagine your family trees a straight line is it it's just a piece of timber sorry I may misjudge this it looks as if there's gonna be a short fight after the gig I imagine I'll be losing what what's your name sir handy it's none usual name you don't hear that every day I imagine you do it you [ __ ] name you what you do handy you're shooting what are you studying economics whereabouts Royal Holloway well maybe if it worked a little bit harder for your a-levels just say it Royal Holloway is not I mean come on there are universities that have always been universities they were universities are used to be polytechnics that then became universities and then there's Royal Holloway which I think used to be a 24-hour Garage [ __ ] weren't we there God love you all gone you've got what's the best thing the time we [ __ ] [Applause] I know you don't remember but that is the wonder of rohypnol trust me it was magical when you are good no no no you're now saying you're good at [ __ ] that's great I'll put down my DVD and your mum and I can watch [Applause] the man next to you incidentally is yourself going she's got a point she's [ __ ] mahatmas excellent nice to get a good review I tell you what's embarrassing getting your [ __ ] stuck in the flies of another man's trousers could you move around a bit okay I think you're encouraging the others what's your name Adam I'd better ask Jenna hello Gemma um is there any chance you could just pop the Chinese love balls out for a minute you seem to be teetering on the edge of orgasm at all times I've seen it in films I know what you do Gemma you're a cheerleading coach the easiest job in the world I think if I'm not mistaken there's a new name for cheerleading coach though isn't there don't we call it grooming now so what who do you who do they cheerlead for you have a squad for the what's the fury jams is that a term for menstruation there's a cheerleading squad called the fury jams who I love now got the fury jams and you teach people to cheerlead see these are grown adults ten to sixteen okay and you get them too I'm pretty sure is expert there's a lot of showering there's more showering than you would imagine has anyone else got new cheerleading DVDs I'm something of a connoisseur I have a collection and mainly they like to get sudsy let's move this along but look lovely lovely to meet you with your hilarious laughs it's infectious I like it thanks very much for coming thanks and thanks very much for cheerleading thank you for helping our young people it's valuable work you do I said to my girlfriend I said on Saturday how would you like to go shopping with the girls get yourself some new shoes get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay she said that sounds brilliant I said good cuz we're breaking up

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 4,194,505

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Id: ToI2KxzPDVY

Length: 20min 32sec (1232 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 31 2020