The RUDEST, FILTHIEST And Most DISGUSTING Jokes From Cats Does Countdown! | Channel 4

got a new watch what do you look do you think it looks nice yeah it looks nice yeah so it's a smart watch it's a smart watch yes if i've gone for some exercise it predicts what i've been doing so if i go for a run it says oh did you go for a run and it's quite accurate go for a swim or did you do 20 minutes of swimming when i have a wank um it thinks i'm playing volleyball it's quite aggressive isn't it popped up on the phone did you do 12 minutes of volleyball at 1am remember doing that just before bed but where's the other way around if you're a volleyball player like a professional and your watch keeps going another wank nish once went to see the film shame with his dad but said the graphic sex made it very awkward everyone in the cinema asked them to stop hi dad okay nish um hello first time on the show are you going to be better on the numbers or the letters i think it's going to be uh letters i think i'm a man of words because i spent half my time at university studying english what would you do the other half i was captain of the school's kissing [Applause] team of the school's kissing team done a lot of practice at home with your dad i would imagine he's written 13 books presented numerous tv shows and edited the dictionary impressive stuff but just imagine how much more she could have achieved if she hadn't spent quite so much time chasing [ __ ] so 10 years on countdown how did you celebrate um i posted loads of filth over the last 10 years from countdown regular countdown regular countdown films yeah so things that have popped up on the board like fu penises the vaginas come budgie come budget yeah nina you're you're [ __ ] budgie that's got jimmy's knot of approval suitably smutty i'm not saying rachel wears dresses that are too short but when she's doing the numbers round you can almost see her workings out oh sounds much ruder than it is this is a number of things i've gathered from the beach and this is an ecological message and it's entirely made from condoms that have washed up i've written it spell that in the condoms there are actually fewer fish in the sea than you think and that's that's both a message about the fleeting nature of love which is why i've used the condoms as the medium for this piece and of course because the condoms are choking the the wildlife of our seats so it's both a literal message about the fact that if you're gonna use a condom and you absolutely should just and i don't really know what you do with it swallow straight away like a chewy oyster c and another consonant please n and another [Applause] i have to shut the curtains susie have you ever had a disagreement with rachel um no we're pretty weird good friends actually night the only time i could ever remember richard being a little bit miffed is because we spot bras sometimes and i think you thought i had lost one of her brothers we don't swap bars okay i borrow bras susie just comes in and she's never got a bra to where we do 15 shows and it's always just can i just borrow your bra again am i am i asleep right now it's not just brazil it's any kind of undergarments whether it's a slip or a skirt or a little t-shirt this is too much for me yeah like [ __ ] [ __ ] piss flap ooh thank you i mean just underlied the word penis i think i just have to play it safe jimmy five i'm going for you're going for five what are you up to i can't believe we're clapping spunk suzy lives his simple life and doesn't yearn for materialistic things in fact most of her salary goes on books potted plants and treats for her pet dog the rest she spends on crack male strippers and replacing walnut equipment in a sex dungeon so what's the most common question you get asked them uh i don't know this i have been asked this twice this year already which is quite a common question and that is one of them was from quite an elderly lady and she said what does the g stand for in g-spot what does this stand for it stands for a guy called vince greifenberg who was the lucky guy who found it it's interesting because do you know you've written a book about it and there's a woman called beverly whipple who actually discovered it and didn't want it named after her it was going to be called whipple's tickle and she didn't she didn't want her name used on it and there's no part of the vagina that's named after a person that isn't named after a man yeah whipple's a much better name yeah i've got another good vagina fact yeah this show just got excellent apparently the g-spot isn't actually a real thing but the clitoris is like 10 centimeters long wow okay and isn't it true it was originally called the clitor chris after the guy that found it go for chris who found it first i was uh i was actually in lower six with him yeah he's a good plug okay only charge of the numbers it's rachel riley rachel's clitoris is 10 centimeters long that might be a small penis rachel we need to talk your time starts now [Music] oh okay yeah john how many seven uh james uh how many could have put the candle down uh i got uh seven seven uh sean how many uh six can't take your eyes off again you're sure i wish i had one like that instead of this monster victoria how many i mean i'm incredibly distracted yeah why it's a lovely shower cap isn't it victoria how many i'll say seven i don't know if it's a word i don't know if i'm saying words now it's funny ties to other pearson i'm gonna i'm gonna get my dressing gown hang on i've done this show three times that's happened twice really very intelligent rachel but i watch a lot of countdown and every week you stand there for 30 seconds with a marker pen and all that paper and you have never drawn a [ __ ] and balls on that i'll do the sum and then in the 30 seconds i'll try i'll see how far i get with the [ __ ] and ball how cocky did you do i'll get the sun right then you've got your [ __ ] we're gonna get the work done and then the fun stuff [Music] um [Applause] know at least one obscene word by the age of two but that's only if you consider the words poo and willie obscene which they are if you do what i do with them good time here stephen the last time i saw hair that curly it was poking out my girlfriend's knickers i can only apologize could you not say boring things during the show because we're trying to make it what have you got over there the script i'm auditioning for oh fair enough this one's a romantic comedy i play uh one of the lovers in it but i need someone to test me on my lines the lord likes it would you do me this honor yeah pass that along gratitude sean i have feelings for you watch me lie as do i right i'm never going to remember that change it to bastard action sean i have feelings for you bastard i need to fill your body against mine busted it says here they kiss right be gentle [Applause] oh might not be an expert on the correct use of punctuation but there's not a lot you can teach him about what to do with a semi and a colon um i love bollocks because it's just um and the reason i love it particularly is because the bbc do this kind of list of top offensive words they do a kind of countdown and bollocks is number eight and it is under prick and above [ __ ] oh what's number six wanker i only asked you've been around for some of the all-time greats of countdown how do you think our contestants compare this evening you're openly laughing in their faces no as long as they go for length length is important would anyone like to blow my horn it's good to have a go you can have a go if you want oh i'll give that a clean for you hang on so what do you do then well i mean i'm not great at it [Laughter] why would i do this i've already got him just check her i've already got are you playing along with miles for fun but not for claude no oh right i won't spit on you when we're having sex tonight good luck trying it without a spit [Applause] is very kindly offered not to spill one that's a nice thing [Music] i'm not a nice guy

Channel: Channel 4 Comedy

Views: 652,851

Keywords: Channel 4, All 4, Comedy, Channel 4 Comedy, Jimmy Carr, Sean Lock, 8 Out Of 10 Cats, 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Rachel Riley, Funny, LOL, British Comedy, British Humour, Panel Show, British Panel Show, Comedian, Comedians, Best Bits, Highlights, 8 Out Of 10 Cats Funny Moments, Joe Lycett, Jon Richardson, Nish Kumar, Roisin Conaty, David Mitchell, Rob Delaney

Id: f39V1SbwPTQ

Length: 13min 46sec (826 seconds)

Published: Sun May 29 2022