Jay Shetty On Building Healthy Relationships and Finding Your Calling | Pretty Big Deal

as always this episode is sponsored by my go-to stop for all things makeup it's Revlon hey everybody I'm Ashley Graham and this is pretty big deal where confidence is key every episode I get to pick the brains of brilliant inspiring honest new and old friends who are a pretty big deal [Music] today we are talking to the ever inspiring Jay Shetty after spending three years as a monk Jay knew his purpose was to bring messages of positivity to the masses his motivational videos have garnered over four billion views I was a guest on the Jay Shetty podcast you're an amazing video we made that we put on Facebook and Instagram ago that was so much like people loved your episode like absolutely loved it I'm pretty big - I'm very grateful that you're here last time we saw each other I was like getting down I know I know in high heels it was impressive okay so we have to just like start from the beginning okay not childhood but like where Jay Shetty was kind of born into who he is today that was going in a monastery yeah absolutely so who stuff from there yeah let's start from there I'll give you a bit of a prequel just cuz it's important okay so I spent my teens being an absolute rebel and I was always experimenting with everything under the Sun multiple relationships dabbled in drugs a little bit nothing for the form of addiction or wanting anything else apart from really seeking a thrill right like I was looking for a thriller I was looking for meaning I was looking for passion and purpose but for me at that time I didn't know what that was called and it kind of came out in all these rebellious ways and I think that also came from coming from a family where who's very much like live by the rule you know you can be a doctor or a lawyer or a failure you've got these three options and then I was trying to rebel and question that the most important thing was that I spent a lot of my teens starting at the late to end of my teens really wanting to learn and really wanting to hear from people who went from rags to riches and they just hit you it was one of those things I have more purpose no it was it was a mixture of a few things okay my dad was trying to get me to read now I'd never read a book into us 14 and to my dad's that I given me autobiographies and biographies and those are the books I started to reading so I read like David Beckham's autobiography and I read The Rock's autobiography I was massively into soccer and man wrestling so both those were huge for me I did I've had three years now I want to call it real football all right you can I went torture AFC last night so that it was that feeling of my father was trying to help me grow and think and be more thoughtful and introduced me to wisdom and at the same time I was just going through experiences where I lost a couple of friends you know one of my friends died in a car accident and one of my friends died through gang violence and like both of those scenarios like made me start to question like wait a minute like they were good people right they were like beautiful loving kind sweet people but they just went in a moment and and that really got me that yeah like I was around 16 years old when that happened and that really hit me and I was just saying what is the meaning of life like where am I going like am I using my time wisely you never saw that coming and I think when you lose someone that's close to you whoever that may be I think it makes you question what you do with your own time right and that's what happened to you and that's what happened to me and that's what kind of started that journey a couple of years later I was invited to turn event by my friend and so this monk was invited to speak and I didn't even want to go and I literally said to my friend I said I'll only go if we go to a bar afterwards like that's the only way I'm coming out the reason I'm sharing all this is I want people to realize how opposite this was of me right because it's not like I grew up as a spiritual kid or a religious kid a kid that was I was totally the opposite and then I go to this event because my friends say yes we'll go to the bar afterwards I'm completely floored and speechless because everything this monk is saying is completely cutting through to my heart and he's talking about like selflessness and he's too much service and he's talking about living a life that is worth sacrifice for all the people and I'm thinking why is this appealing to this 18 year old guy but it is like all of its appealing to me I end up spending time in the mouth towards you know like your network so I went to network with a monk and an appreciation sharing card yeah exactly I can I get your drink and then and then and I go up to him and I say you know everything you said like really it really felt powerful to me and I said I'd love to experience more of this and he said well why'd you come and join me this week on I'm travelling in London in England so why don't you just come and hear me this week speak and get to know me better and I did and then that led to me actually going to live with him in India so I spend all of my summer holidays we don't say vacation summer holidays from 18 to 22 while I was at university every break I got half over I spent interning at financial companies in London and so I'd be in bars steak houses and suits and then I'd spend the other half of my summers giving his monk in India wear some robes meditating sleeping on the floor and then when I graduated I decided to do it for real so I had all those correct correct yeah three years yeah that's right what were you doing in the monastery exactly so we would wake up at 4 a.m. every day and half of our day was dedicated to self or silence and the other half was service self or silent yeah so you'd spend half the day working on yourself so that means self study self meditation silence group meditations prayer the type of things you expect monks to do right and that's like half of your day okay but then the other half is totally about service so we would be building schools we'd be feeding homeless children we'd be trying to develop sustainable villages and food distribution programs that were helping and serving tons of people in India and so I chose this part because it was this perfect balance between self and servants and the way it was taught to us is that everything you do in the part of the self day you then go and give it away in the service and you learn more and then you come back and do more self realization and then service it's like a cycle yeah exactly three years in I had to push my body to extreme limits like fasting fasting and I'd sleep very little because I wanted to see the power of meditation I had this side of me that wanted to make what I was learning even more relevant even more accessible even more practical and this is all in hindsight I didn't know this there and my teacher said to me that he felt it would be better if I left so I could share what I'd learned Wow well it felt like that not because I bet time I didn't have this hindsight of oh yeah maybe I was in the wrong place or maybe I'd done my time and that time I was like I want to do this and I'm pushing and they he comes out he's just like you know it's not you it's me it's like it feels like one of these awkward breakup conversations and I'm thinking I just gave up everything like I broke up with my girlfriend I left you know all my jobs I turn down my jobs I left my family like I gave up everything to do this but then they was like this revelation both internally and from him I was like maybe this isn't right for me for life and that probably is one of the hardest things to ever have to go through if you made a plan and a vision in your mind of how you want your life to look like and then it feels like it's just been taken away and mine was to be a monk what sounds like the weirdest thing but if someone takes that away from you it hurts well that's an interesting statement because it's like you felt a calling to be a monk but then your teacher said oh no I think that there's been a different calling for you yeah what's the difference for you between a calling and a desire because it sounds like you had both oh I like that yeah that's a great question that's a great question a desire is something that you push and a calling is something that pulls you right that's the difference and you're right I think you're spot on I think it was both I don't think I was naturally meant to be a monk I was someone who was trying to rediscover myself and work through so much of my teenage years so for me it was a transformation it was like going to school but at the same time it turned into a calling because I got so fascinated by serving and I got so fascinated by wanting to make an impact and I got so fascinated by wanting my life to mean more than just being successful or just being material and I think that's what I got introduced to my belief is that like you have to do the work in order to get to where you are or where you want to be and there's so much like empty prayer or empty meditation that goes into so much of people's desires or once or callings and I think that sometimes we just have to either be still and wait for that moment to pull us or be proactive and what it is that you truly want to do because you were being proactive in going and talking to that month correct you were being proactive in spending your summers with him but then it was a pulling that took you to actually go live in the monastery so it's like it just take bows yeah to get to where you want to be I couldn't agree with you more I did a podcast a few months ago and it's called the myths of manifesting and and I think that's really one of the myths that we have that we just believe that just thinking and just willing and just meditating or just praying and suddenly someone's gonna sprinkle some fairy dust proof yeah like the genie is gonna turn up and you know you now are that person I think the challenge is that we have to get the balance right and it can't be about the result I think one TN desire is always about the result the calling is about the process calling is something you're excited to wake up and do every day when you have a desire it's just like oh yeah I want to be on the top of that list or I want to be at the top of that because we have desires in our career I'm just the same but we also have a calling to be where we are today it's the balance in both together right you want to do the prayer and the meditation and the manifest things but then you want to go and follow that up and do the work and go things and strategy you have to embrace polarities and what I mean by that is people are like do I need to be sincere or do I need to be strategic I mean you need to be both sincerity and strategy together is a lethal combination whereas if you just sincere then you're not practical and if you're just strategic then you're not intentional and you don't be lost by either of those you want to have both faith is important to you and you talk about it a lot but I want to know what faith is for you because for me faith is very important faith is something that grounds me it's the center of who I am it's my calling it's my desire it's all of those things but what is faith to you faith to me like the two polarities is the day-to-day practices and the map so it's the thing that's guiding every decision right it's the thing that's guiding every direction that I move in it's the thing that guys who I want to be friends with who I want to connect with the type of work I want to do but then it's also what I do daily and to me that's what's so beautiful about faith that it can be practical and simple but then it can be philosophical and spiritual yeah and certainly faith is both because if I'm not practicing on a daily basis how can it last and if I it's not the governing thing behind all my decisions then how is it true like how is it really how is it your moral compass also exactly yes so for me it's both of those things at all times and so it's everything I do in the morning so my meditation practices my prayer the way I communicate how I speak to my wife like I think all of those things how I speak to anyone I think all of those things in my faith and at the same time it's a do I am I doing this out of love am i doing this out of service am i taking this decision just because it pays the bills and just because i hate's money or am i doing this just because i think it will be cool it's the same as it's so funny you asked me this question because I was speaking as someone about you just before coming the show today yes I was saying one of the things I loved about Ashley and why I think we get along so well and we find it so easy to connect is because we're both have such deep faith yes and I said I always find it easier when you meet someone who has their faith and it may be different but they're open yep and then you just connect and that's how I feel with you that when we first started talking and meeting I felt it straightaway the people who are really rooted in their faith and that comes before anything else I always connect yeah it's a big deal yeah my wife found that with you too even though we were dancing to Bruno Maz I know so then you left the monastery and you met Arianna Huffington it means she kind of gave you a platform yay wasn't it wasn't that quick so I left and went back to London there was some work yeah exactly I moved him back with my parents and I had my big debt to pay off I had my university that was nowhere near as bad as US debt so it's predict it's so bad here I can't believe it so I had $25,000 so I come back and I was trying to figure out what to do and then fast forward three years I started making videos right after I came back so the videos were far after but I'd been speaking about these things studying teaching sharing since I was 18 since I was introduced to it but then I really felt this I was talking to companies I was talking inside events at corporations and I was working one-to-one and coaching lots of people and that will naturally evolve but I was thinking how does this reach every person in the world like how do we get these message to reach everyone at no cost for absolutely free to make it really accessible then I told video I don't know if this is true or where there is a meme but I remember seeing something that said more people in the world own a smartphone than a truth toothbrush and I thought two things I thought I need to make stuff that people can watch on smartphones and I thought we need to figure out how everyone can get to freshness so that's a crazy yeah it's crazy everyone ever seen it so I don't know if it's true or not we can check it out and that triggered a thaw in me I was just like wow that means there's kids out there who have smartphones there are two questions which means they can access wisdom and insight and all of this stuff that I've been learning so how do we share with them so I started making these videos and before that I went and pitched my video idea to around 40 media companies in London and they all rejected me once and this was before I made a video I pitched them my idea for a mindfulness based video series so they were like Jay you have no communication expense you have no video experience you have no hosting experience I had no official training in this phase and so like no no no no no no no no but they were right because I hadn't yet demonstrated that I could do when I was asking them to invest in Wow and so then I started making my videos and my global HR leader at Accenture because I was working at Accenture at the time a big corporate company okay she showed Arianna Huffington my videos at Davos and the next thing they happen is I got a call from Arianna Huffington's team and they were just like we love your videos we want to meet you in London I met them and I said look I'd love to see what we can do with this I then sent an email every day for 30 days saying Danny met in London you promised me that you loved my videos and Arianna love and we've got to do something with them they're not just gonna sit around and get out to people and help people that's Teddy K and I wasn't charging anything like I made no money from this whatsoever it was me wanting to share a message and hoping that that message would resonate with people a month later Danny replies to me and says yes fine we do want to get these videos out and now in hindsight I realize it's because they were going off and trying to build thrive so they were busy with that movie at the same time as trying to do this and so Danny makes this happen I speak diary on on the phone she's like Jay we really love your content we are going to share it we want to make this happen and then they share these videos and we shared four videos and those four videos collectively did tens of millions of years my first video did a million in a week the second video did a million in 24 hours and did like 30 million overall and they were putting all of this on the HuffPo site right and this was mid 2016 so three and a half years ago and literally just it was amazing just that overnight all because of social media and and like I was setting get paid a penny for any of those that wasn't the point the point was always had a message reach people yeah and they gave me a platform and so I'm so grateful to Arianna and Danny and Kara who is on the team at the time and Dan like that whole group of people that I'm still friends with today that were just so committed to the message and believed in it I didn't have a platform at that time I didn't have a brand I didn't have anything and they believed in it so really it's all credit to them now you have to use social media which is like a dark place sometimes how do you handle it I just really have had to build up rules around my social media use you have so my rule is never look at the phone first thing in the morning alright this is my biggest one I think if we did this we would conquer our lives I have now not looked at Instagram first thing in the morning I just looked at like the text the email okay we're good hey that's good yeah that's huge it it for me that's huge at one point I actually used to put my phone and my laptop locked in my car downstairs well because that was the only way I could truly convince myself not to look at my phone and I think we have to go to that extent sometimes or that extremity to really push ourselves out of it so I don't look at my phone until I go down to the gym which is two hours after I'm editor and wake up and everything so I try and avoid looking at my phone for those first two hours and I find what that does is it gives you a mind time to warm up you don't start your mind on someone else's reactive schedule when you wake up and you look at that email you look at that notification you're now thinking about everything everyone wants you to do not what you want to do right you're not thinking about who you want to be or what you want to achieve you're thinking about Oh Mary wants me to get that right you know Julie wants me to do that right like whatever it is that you start thinking about everyone else's schedule and then the third thing that happens is and I've said this before but I think it's really powerful and when you think about it I think about this in the morning it really stops me none of us and I mean literally none of us would let a hundred people walk into our bedroom first thing in the morning that's true ever before in your hair before you do maybe your makeup getting clothes on having a shower you would never do that but we allow hundreds enter our mind that's literally it fright trying to shake our consciousness awake right it's like really trying to wake your mind up you're expecting your mind going from zero to 60 miles per hour in five seconds when you open up Instagram or whatsapp or emails and it's so much pressure on our minds that's really all it is it's pressure and stress for your mind you have to wake up and warm up wait please do so that's been a huge one for me that rule yeah the other rule I love which I fail out all the time but I'm trying is no technology zones in your home and no technology times so I believe that the bedroom and the dining table should be technology free because it's more fun to sleep and eat with people yeah so we shouldn't we should take them out of those two places in the home yeah everywhere else you can use them phone and it's like we should have had sex you know yeah she places in your homes well you can have human connection human time just take it away from those areas and I think you almost have to imagine when you walk here on your home you almost have to imagine like a red line around the dining table and a red line around the bedroom like almost like a laser like imagine if you cross over it's gonna like it electrocute you or something maybe we should do that for sometime you know yeah so that's it setting up rules around technology for me has been huge making sure that when I get back in the evening you're not using technology past 7:00 p.m. a p.m. whatever that rule is be made and yes you're gonna break it and yes you're not gonna be perfect but the point is at least if you have the rule you're working towards something right that's really worked wonders for me at least if it's four out of seven days a week that's good enough for you if you know me you know I'm all about self-care so since I'm at home in Nebraska one of my new favorite self-care practices is all about sense and making the house smells so good and virtru V is an amazing family company that makes these diffusers and these really cool oils that I have right here and they have tons of different scents I'm currently using quiet hello it reminds me just to take a deep breath and chill out they even have these really cool mist rollers that are great for on-the-go you can put them on your temples your wrists head to contribute calm / a pretty big deal for a special offer and get 20% off with a code pbd you're so good with your words and you're such a great listener but who is your rock who's the person that's listening to you and you're able to bounce everything off of my wife my wife is definitely my rock like she's amazing she's more monk than I'll ever be because she naturally has these like sage like qualities like so waking up for her is like a piece of cake my wife works about 5:00 a.m. every day and can meditate 5 a.m. 5 a.m. and spiritual qualities - she just has that so for me I find my wife's amazing she's always good at making sure that I'm doing things for the right reason she's always good at checking me she's always good at in a humbling me grounding me but in a good way not in a critical way but no Jo you can be better than this that's amazing yeah so I I really had that with her you know you need a cheerleader yes I think it's very important yeah and I think that again on social media there's like always these ideas of like fairytale relationships right and expectations and people aren't talking about what they need and I know that you have to talk about relationships a lot on your social media like people really want to know about relationship yes is this something that's kind of plaguing people yeah I kind of want to get into it a little bit I feel like even though you may not be the expert you kind of have to be an expert because of all of like your followers and all their questions about well I think this is fun because I know you have a wonderful relationship - yeah so my thing has never been to be an ex but what I think is it's fun to unpack the journey when you're on it right like I I always think that you never get to the end of the journey so how do you ever become an expert because it's almost like if you're an expert and that's like you saying I've nailed this no but it's it's you can never let ambient I can't be an expert in something like relationships because your relationships always evolving like for example you're having a baby now yes that's gonna evolve your relationship I've never been more in love with Justin than right now I love hearing back yes like it's just something about growing life with him is oh my gosh it's like makes my heart melt but then when the baby comes they all say everybody says like and we don't have to sign up for that everybody I know and that's the other thing you don't have to listen to what everybody says I have blocked out so many things that people are like you know what's gonna happen it's gonna be like this and I'm like does it have to be like that yeah it doesn't know there are certain trends and passions that we can be wary of of course and people see that they're like okay when you get married this happens when you have kids just of course of birds that I think if you let that define your whole experience that's the biggest mistake you can make and so for me what I've loved is I've been with my wife for six years now we've been married for three and all I'm trying to share is the journey and the process of figuring it out that's all I'm trying to share and when I actually was the first guest on my podcast that I interviewed and the whole conversation was here's all the mistakes we made in our first three years of marriage like this is what we got wrong oh wow you win in that's what we talked about because I wanted people to hear how much stuff we've worked through yeah because that's the fun of it because when you can have fun working through stuff and people are hearing that yeah like oh my relationships not so different now right because if all I'm seeing is the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff so so for me that's that's where my expertise is my expertise is how do I share while I'm going through it and share with you just the experience I have so like I'm not giving advice to couples we have kids like right because I have not been through that I don't know what that feels like when I go through it I'll figure it out and I'll share some so great I'm sharing pre marriage getting married there early is marriage what I'm learning from which also is a really hard part of the marriage I think so it is our first year was quite interesting to single ones I mean it was just like we waited till we were married have sex we hadn't lived together my career was really kinda started taking off and he went to grad school and it was like finding this balance of like who we are in so many different aspects but like knowing that divorce is not an option so it's like we have to focus and work on this yeah and nobody they tell you Oh marriage is work marriage is work but nobody can explain it to you because every marriage so different yeah so it's good to hear that other people are explaining their first three years of marriage and the struggles that they've been through something we did do on our honeymoon actually was read the five love languages have you read that loved that book I like tille I've made videos on that book yeah there's like I made like three videos on that book and I think Gary Chapman's a genius what do you live languages I believe your love language is based a lot about how your parents love you oh it's so my love language you want what your parents and give you or you still want what they gave you both depending on how good or bad they're correct so mine was and this is how I traced it back I love my mom she's amazing and when my mom was raising me she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of time with me because she was working - okay but I knew that on my birthday she would always get me the gift that I wanted oh she would always get it no matter what it was and we didn't grow up with a lot but she would save up make sure that I had it and she'd find it and she'd get it for me and it was just be one thing but it would always be the one thing I most wanted so like one year is like Power Rangers or something like that and I realized that I associated love with gifts so is that your number one love giving and getting yes so I love giving people grand gestures and I love receiving grand gestures but my wife her number one love language is quality time because her family on their birthdays and stuff would just time span yeah they wouldn't go out to work that day her dad would stay home they would plan an activity or whatever something like that and say spend time together so when we bear I was like where's my gift right where is it say do you know I love me and I would be giving her these grand gestures and gifts on her birthday and she'd be like I just want to spend time with you and I want you to break mine down going I'm accent service yes what does it mean that you know receiving I like getting acts of service like if you want to love me right acts of service that's the hardest talented man I mean it's like vacuums make the bad thing that I asked you one time and it's done wow that is impressive active service is one of the hardest ones Oh sir I'm hard to know you no no so that's me projecting my bias and how scary that's me oh my god I'm so glad but no that's beautiful and and that's what I mean that you are with a partner who understands that loves that is able to give that and and that's great love languages are very important in relationships and Justins is time spent and physical touch ok those are stops so I just know yeah like I know what he needs exactly what I need and I think that anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner and should read that book 100% I love that book I recommend it to everyone and I think the biggest thing we should all notice is until you read that book and until you figure out love languages you are speaking different languages right and so it's like literally speaking to your partner in a language they don't understand right and so you could be doing everything like for example for you you know Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in the world and take your fancy holidays and all this kind of stuff but he's not doing acts of service and you're gonna be like well now what did he love me yeah exactly he does like you maybe with some anyone who's listening or watching this right now you may have someone who loves you deeply you've just never articulated what your love language is you have to speak up you have to share it you can't no one can read in between the lines you can't expect that person to figure it out by looking at you you need to tell them this is how I feel most loved right this is what I need to feel like and I see so many couples that get scared about saying this or doing this well they're it's like hard for your ego because being able to have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife I need you to tell me I've got this right like words of affirmation but I need words of affirmations and you know the ego goes oh no I don't really need that for my wife but you have to share it if you don't tell them that how are they gonna know and you got to put your ego aside and be really open and honest everything you talk about on social media and through your videos is so emotional based and there's just a lot of like that inner work especially like with relationships but what about the physical aspect of it like physically like the intimacy and all of that do you ever touch on any of that ah let me think I definitely talked about it from an abuse point of view right you're talking about from a when you're married is important yeah right and I think that for me my understanding is like you have to have the emotional first before the sex can stay consistent Quran and great it's so much easier to talk about that going to them that's why I focus so much on my content on the other side right now my content is so heavily focused on the compatibility on the healing on the deep work because I'm like if people get this right the kind of amazing relationships you have amazing physical like they everything's gonna be great but when you look at all these magazine covers and you'd always see like you know the seven things she wants in bed and there thrives and it's always those things like and that's what I love about what I've been able to do with video is that we've shifted the conversation the videos came in millions and millions of views but we're talking about stuff that actually is gonna make a difference now whereas you telling someone like these are the three things she wants in bed like that's not gonna change your relationship if you aren't compatible if you don't connect if you don't speak the right love languages if you're not empathetic if you're not vulnerable like then that three list of this and seven lists of that isn't gonna do anything it's void and and that's where I'm trying to get to with people because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that and I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that and I don't want people to use sex as a cover-up for not having any of that because I know having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical and that's all there was that's the only time it felt good it didn't feel good at any other time I go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart and then when it's only about that that's also when it can be easily replaced right because that's easily changeable and that's why I think so many people go through and I talked about in my videos so much about cheating and loyalty because when it is just physical it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and tolerance happened yeah and now heartbreak yes what's your advice on heartbreak move I know you have you have a video up it's like the five things people should do through her yes and one of them is like get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present in the future yeah I like it's hard for people I like getting rid of visual triggers I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds the same sights and the same people that we were in our past and I see this with anything and I'm sure you felt this when you went deeper into a faith did your circles change 100% right when you went deeper into your faith did what you look at change 100% right so you look at my heart change your heart change internal annex done yes because for me when I transformed in my faith it was that my transformation of my heart yes not about what I was actually doing or not doing correct and that's what I feel for anyone anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life their environments have changed and so for me a lot of us are making it harder for you so it's like saying I want to start working out every day but I don't own any trainers right say that's not gonna work it's like doing the obviously like I want to go on a diet but I'm gonna keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator right like it's it's that so you're saying you're enabling I want to get over the past yeah but I'm gonna keep my ex's sweater right next to me and I'm gonna keep all these text messages I can keep reading through again how do people go back and read text messages because someone that broke their heart because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful right the feeling of nostalgia and this is in studies too like the research by nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past or something like that yes you read a message in a but they love me so much and now what you're doing is reality is here and you've got your own version of reality playing here so you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality is telling you this and nostalgia is that script that fantasy that's never gonna be Santa see that isn't real so it's you saying I don't want to accept what is and I'm trying to accept what if those who can't get over that that hop hmm what do you tell them oh one of the biggest things they don't really know no it's good it's a good conversation I think one of the biggest things I say to people is just say let's kind of break their space that they're in it's almost like that person needs a space change and they they need to get out of that zone and so for me I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience yeah when you try something new you join a new class you've never done it before because guess what it's about finding yourself again so you're now learning new things about yourself you're not falling in love with yourself it's about correct and I think that the biggest mistake me making that time is everyone's telling you oh when's the rebound like are you gonna date this guy what are you gonna start dating again or disco when you going to be out there again and it's almost like well no maybe it's well I go inside this time and spend some time with myself and I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself right you never like we never do new things with ourselves you always you're doing the same things with the same people but imagine you studying new things on your own and now you have new memories and one of the things that we're talking about a lot with people is forming new memories if you don't make new memories the old ones will always hold you back and that's why we're stuck in the old because you're not making any new ones so the new the old ones just keep putting you back so the best way to make new memories is a setup and experience do with a friend that you love and when you go out there it's this technique that's often used for grounding and therapy and everything but I use it for presents and that's how we were trained in as monks when you go somewhere and you're like I want to take a mental picture of this how many times have you ever said that where you go so when you're like I wanna yeah have this in my mind and I want to keep it forever and the iPhone camera is not I mean and the camera is not gonna do it it's not gonna keep it emotionally and I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new so the best way to do it is called 5 4 3 2 1 okay so when you're in a space and let's say I want to do it abyss I look at five things that I could see so five things that I can see right now so I'm going to say you obviously the important part of the memory you're important yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna say the rug so I'm going for space okay now look at the ceiling so one two three four I'm gonna say the couch there five things that I can see the second thing is four things that you can touch okay so four things I can touch dress you see really dry skin you're good at descriptions Suki dress dry skin this is the rough textured Rock oh yeah amazing three things that you can hear I can hear the light yes I can hear myself swallow and I can hear your voice perfect and then two things you can smell I can smell my garlic breath I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because I'm seven months pregnant you can hear how clogged I am but maybe my perfume okay okay and then one about me yeah and then one thing you can taste garlic great so so if you did that in an experience that all you have to do to make a mental picture take a mental picture of everything you do five four three two one five things you're gonna see four things you can touch three things you can hear two things you can smell and one thing you can taste I really like that yeah it's beautiful and this is what I mean by when you're going through a breakup the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories and so my my advice to everyone is go and make new memories okay so I did Tony Robbins right and it was the lightening it was fun and the biggest thing that I came away with was I don't live in the present I'm constantly living for that what's next yes here we go you know okay team it's time to hustle yeah and he said what are you grateful for and I mean I could sit there and am grateful for my house I'm grateful for my family I'm great you know like I could list a few things but he said we're grateful for in your career and it's like I had to really go deep and I think that maybe if I started doing the five four three two one I would be able to go back to experiences that I thought my heart remembered but my mind did it totally and I am totally implementing five four three and that's exactly what it's so today it's used for a lot of people who start with anxiety to bring them back in the moment when we were trained in as monks it was what we did for presents and like easily what you said and this is why the biggest mistake you make is when you're having an experience the only sense we activate is the eyes and that's why when you're trying to think of a plus memory you go again because you have to close your eyes cuz that was the only one that was activated or is what we've done with five four three two one is you've now absorbed this memory through all the five senses which means each one of them is gonna give you a different bond and they're like yeah wow alright switching gears a little bit I really feel like insecurities breed negativity right and a motto that I like to live by is kill people with kindness what do you think about that yes I love that you did I agree with you completely this is the beautiful thing that happens when you say thank you to someone who's kind to you it does three things the first thing is you recognize kindness so now you are triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness and you're now recognizing kindness in them the second thing you do is you reinforce kindness in them they realize they're like oh when I'm kind people appreciate it so I'm gonna be more kind so you've now reinforced kindness within them and the third thing is you help them repeat it now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated they're now gonna be kind to more people so when you recognize kindness in someone it reinforces that belief that kindness is amazing and then they repeat that kindness to other people so now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person who knew yeah it's so interesting to hear you talk about being a monk and like how you spend half the day working on yourself and half of the other day working to give out to others and what is your take on putting yourself first and like is it selfish so with monk teachings the point is you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better so it's always like I'm gonna put myself first so that I can fill up so that I can serve with more significant we want to serve with our best selves right I always say this to people it's like people I was like Jay should I go to this party should a guard to this van should I call up this person should I do this should I do that I'm just like well if you're gonna show up there with that energy don't go but you're gonna have to convince yourself to go then guess what that person's gonna feel that right cuz if you're gonna show up and you're gonna show with your best so I feel for me it's not selfish if the intention is I want to give more and serve more that's good it's it's selfish when it's just like oh I'm just gonna take care of myself because that's all that matters right where's this like no I'm gonna take out myself because I want to give my best self to the people I love right to the people of the world to the people I care for and so I'm gonna keep prioritizing myself so I went down the wrong journey when I first started wanting to serve I used to just think oh yeah I'm gonna stay up all night someone needs me to drive halfway across the country I'll do that and I would do things like that and I started to realize I was just people-pleasing I wasn't served I was actually serving my own ego that was the most selfish thing was the most selfish thing because just people pleasing but then I realized actually me saying you know what I need to get a good night's sleep tonight but I promise you first thing in the morning we're gonna talk about this and I'm gonna bring my best self to this conversation people start to respect that value then gave me that space and so for me as long as your intention is clear that you're putting yourself first so you can give more yeah that's the best thing you can do because I don't wanna die early because I'm negligent of my health right because I mean you're gonna serve less in the long term and have you noticed this shift on social media where it feels like we're all kind of competing in the self-care Olympics yeah what do you feel like that pressure is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered I think it's a good thing that people are now starting to realize that fatigue is not a badge of honor that you're only successful if you feel that way at the end of the day but I think this is what always happens in the world balance only comes when we go from one extreme to the other extreme so at one point maybe a few years ago I don't know how long people were always like you have to you know grind an [ __ ] and that's the only thing about success and you have to work hard and if you are not tired then you're never gonna be successful you're never gonna be a millionaire ability or whatever it is and I think that was this talk and now the talks from the other way if you're not getting a massage every week and you're not you know sleeping eight hours exactly and then he goes to the other extreme and that's how the world gets back into balance and we know the answers the middle right we know that you need to feel a bit stretched in order to work on yourself you need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more and life is never the perfect middle it's constantly back and forth and I think that's the mistake we're looking for middle or we're looking for extreme and actually it's just back and forth it's just oscillating I'm never applying around all my life is in perfect balance cuz balance is a myth what are three practices for self-care that you live by or that you give us as examples one of my favorite ones is what I talk about emotional vocabulary so Harvard and you can google this as this great table and it shows how limited our emotional vocabulary is so what I mean by this is if someone asks you how's your week been that's alright alright good bad fine okay right how do we going good how's he day been okay how you doing tonight fine right that's literally how we describe our lives sometimes I say so good I love it good at least you've got an expansive emotion so expand so expensive but our emotional time is so limited now there's a challenge here we don't get to understand how we truly feel because we never articulate and express it so when you say that you're angry are you offended are you irritated are you defensive there's so much more to the word angry than just anger or when you say I'm sad when you say you're sad are you upset are you regretful are you triggered right this is so much more when you self diagnose and you limit your vocabulary you're just like oh I'm just sad I'm just angry and which means that you can't articulate yourself what you're really dealing with and you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with so you don't feel understood and feeling understood is such an important part of self-care the feeling that I can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me that's huge for self-care I think it's one of the most important things of self-care when you look at someone and you feel they really get me doesn't isn't that so good for your confidence and your self-worth and your significance you like that I feel loved exactly all in one moment so for me that's one of the best self-care techniques is when I'm struggling with something let me not settle for the base level emotion let me really understand it and then if you're speaking to your therapist you're speaking to your doctor you spend your friend you can now actually articulate it better so they can actually help you back Wow and you feel understood the second yeah the second self gets it that I absolutely love is how we talk to ourselves right and so this to me is probably the biggest one I'm doing five habits of happiness challenge on Facebook so we've had 150,000 people who registered to take this five days of happiness challenge with me online so every day are teaching you have it to my audience we just loads of fun one thing I was doing about as I looked at the definition of confidence uh-huh and I've never done this but I loved so I tried look at the definition and it starts off by talking about self assurance and you think okay yeah that's what I imagine one confidence and then it's a and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities which blew my mind notice it didn't say receiving appreciation for your qualities yeah appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities not the appreciation of others not the validation of arbitration or the approval of others but that's why you can say I have confidence in you correct or I have confidence in myself correct okay yeah and so the way we talk to ourselves is all over the place it's key when you're going out to a party you dress up and you look at the person you go how do I look in this alright now ask yourself how do I look in this like how do I feel in this or when you go to an interview people say how would people describe you in three words so why do we care about how people with this firm how would I describe myself in three words yeah and so for me the way we talk to our selves is such a big thing so I have this mechanism that I love coaching people on and sharing people it's good spot stop swap spotless stop my British accent okay you spot spot a spot of tea right stop stop swap what yeah so every time yes very good that's very late and I'm not even that partial you made me spot stop swap so every time you notice yourself say something negative to yourself ooh spot it first starts spotting that pattern because that's all it is it's a pattern and we don't realize how much the words we say to ourselves have an impact when you say something like to yourself like I'm starving right when you say that guess what your body gets triggered into feeling like it's darling oh my god I don't mind a buddy writing so do i this one picking on this example whereas what you actually mean is I've been lazy I haven't planned my muse I haven't eaten for two three hours and you're saying I'm starving starving is the person who doesn't know where their next meals coming from I'm just hungry and disorganized and so let me say to myself I'm exhausted rather than saying I'm going to make time for a nap today or I'm going to sleep earlier today I'm going to you're saying the same thing right but what you're saying is changing it's a spot first spot that pattern one of the things I think a lot of people say to themselves is I'm not enough I'm ugly I'm not beautiful she's beautiful he's really good-looking he's got a great body she's whatever and if you spot that where is that happening it's usually happening when you're browsing through social mail so now let's stop let's limit the time you spend in that place with that person whatever it is that's sparking and triggering that for let's limit that time and then let's swap it for something better so what am I going to swap that with I'm gonna listen to Ashley's podcast I'm going to read this book that actually recommended called the five love languages I'm going to go to a class that I've been wanting to go to or a workshop or whatever it may be and you've now opened yourself up to swapping it so spot stop swap so start a spot the patterns the way you talk to yourself that are bringing you down start stopping being in those places and times that spark that thought because there's usually an alignment and then swap it upgrade it for something higher that's yeah that's good yeah so I mean you can say it three times fast though spot stops what that's the third way second one and and my third one this is probably one of my favorite ones right now and I think we've been told for a long time that you're the average of the five people you spend much time with we had that again and again and again and everyone's always like get together with people even be like and start and I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I was a lot of my friends were saying you know Jay I'm always around people but I still feel lonely yeah I don't if you've heard that I'm busy but I'm lonely I'm around peers especially here in LA in New York right yeah and you feel that people feel lonely and I said the challenge is we need to stop getting together when you start growing together and what I mean by that is schedule one experience once a week with a friend will you're both growing together choose an activity that neither of you're a pro so don't go to yoga class if one of you is a yoga enthusiast and the other is it go somewhere where there's a level playing field why because you now get a fresh experience together it's so good because it boosts your confidence of yours if you're bad totally and because you're going together and you're both bad there's no pressure and and my best memory of this is once for training I was sent to Chicago and it was 80 of us who'd never worked here this was when I joined a corporate company 84 us were sent to Chicago for training but we were told it was Chicago by two I was outside of Chicago in the middle of nowhere and we'd be a training 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. and then at 6:00 p.m. it was too late to get into Chicago right so we'd have to do something and the only thing we could do is play sport because there were all these outdoor sports places ten of us every night would go out and we played volleyball in the snow none of us had ever played volleyball before I can pick up the phone to any of these people today because we all just had this crazy unique experience together and you're learning something and I think we underestimate this learning something every day is huge for your self-care because you only feel good about yourself when you feel you're progressing yeah so I started this really simple habit and it's learning a new word every single day oh oh I've been writing down you do it's in my notes wow I love this okay amazing so literally learning in you wherever and you may say Jay I want to learn a new city or I want to learn about a new culture or I want to learn about a new cuisine or I want to learn but make it small and something you can achieve like in three minutes right and so my word today was Meraki m ER aki yeah and what it means is to do something with soul or to create and leave a piece of you in it in what you create and what I love about that word is now I've shared that with you we're not having a discussion about it you've now contributed to a conversation your self-worth gets boosted because you've learned something new now you prove to yourself you could remember and share it those are some answers straight away that came to my mind practices that I think are really simple they are simple because rattled things off and they don't go into explanation and I think that's really important thank you I think that a lot of people are looking for peace mmm what do you say to those people who are just in search of peace I'm glad you asked this so the tagline of my book is called train your mind for peace and purpose every day Wow I believe that it's something that can be trained and I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for the world around you is never going to be fully peaceful ever even if there was world peace you would still not have peace with a little argument with your partner or a little issue at work like there's that's never going to disappear so the desire for everything around you to be calmed is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end where is the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within is very realistic and the point is that that peace is always gonna get triggered and I think that's the mistake we make we're looking for this perfect consistent never touched definition of peace whereas peace is something you're constantly training yourself to look for so what I would say is that people should try and find the one activity they have in a day that brings them peace it could be sitting and having them wanting tea it could be sitting and reading from a book they love it could be having a beautiful conversation their partner whatever it is just have one activity a day that brings you peace in my book article a lot more than that but to find just something that brings you peace it could be a mindset that brings you peace so I really believe that all stress pressure or lack of peace comes from your mind being ahead of your body or your body being ahead of your mind so how many times have you been in a scenario where your minds like racing really really fast your body's like oh I just want to be in bed right right everyone been in that situation yeah or you're in the opposite scenario where your body is moving really fast doing a lot but your minds like oh I'm still gonna be in bed oh that was me yesterday right so we've all experienced both yeah you get into all this in your book don't you yes oh I can't wait yes so the alignment of the two is what creates peace let's imagine I was running late today and I'm stressing I'm like I haven't thought about this and I don't know what it's about and I maybe I'm you know all that stuff that we know that you do stress about when you weren't running to work and I'm sitting in the back of a lyft or uber or I'm driving and I turn up to the meeting cuz you live in LA and you could dry correct so what I would do is I sit down and I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out oh yeah so I breathe in for a count of four in through the nose out through the nose out through the mouth and I breathe out for a count of four now when you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out you're aligning your body and mind why because your mind is counting one two three four and your body in unison is breathing in and out one two three four this is very similar to have no birthing yes oh oh no I didn't know they have I'm a therapy babe they're teaching me through like going through contracts it's amazing because it like it connects your body and your mind yes and it helps you deal with any kind of stress yes and because I'll be going through physical stress correct it's going to help me through that amazing yeah I love that and that's the point that whenever your mind or body or ahead or behind of each other that's where you feel a lack of peace and so you find peace when you come back into alignment so Gandhi said when what you think what you say and what you do are aligned then you feel peace at home [Music] think like a month yeah you're getting this is the first interview have done since finishing writing the book and so we've not we've not put anything out yet so a lot of the stuff I've been sharing today is small tiny concepts in the book that I talk about in depth or Jenny knowledge thank you yeah I'm very kind no you're very kind you're very kind honestly and I I really love our conversations because hey you ask amazing questions well be you make it very fun to be around and see I'm just so impressed it's amazing you're like working on two shows and I growing life I am gonna write a book called growing legs oh my gosh thank you for being here but before I let you go there's one thing that we do at the end of every pretty big deal okay you don't have to answer a couple questions we do the live boldly lightning rounds oh I like it what's the last pretty penny you spent ooh probably these whoo those are good yeah he's lifting a picture yeah these are nice trainers what's your biggest deal breaker on and what sin are any any scenario no intention oh that's good if I don't feel someone has an intention it doesn't have to be right or wrong because I think that's subjective right but it's like it's like an empty question so right like where's the heart yeah is there any how is their soul is their intention to this or is it just because all right now because we're on pretty big deal and you're pretty big deal I want to know what's a pretty big deal to you I'm not used to being on the other side of these yeah I do it on the other side you agree a pretty big deal to me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after as we get older I think it's hard to build really deep meaningful relationships a pretty big deal to me it's finding really meaningful deep beautiful relationships that are genuine authentic that I could pick up the phone during a tough time that would call me in a tough time yeah I put that above everything Jay thank you so much for coming up ladies you know I really appreciate your this is thank you this is so much fun it was I love this don't forget to join the conversation on social follow pretty big deal on Instagram and Twitter and send us all your questions and comments we want to hear from you [Music] you

Channel: Ashley Graham

Views: 263,301

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Id: Mw_3SrpMfwM

Length: 56min 48sec (3408 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 31 2020