How To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shetty

you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want that's what a compromise is imagine i gave up what i wanted to do all the time to be where radi wanted me to be i'm going to be feeling upset i'm going to be thinking i should be doing this or i could be doing this and then you develop bitterness towards the other person where you can't even respect and appreciate them i feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space [Music] hey everyone welcome back to on purpose and our annual episode with the one and only radi devlucia we do this every single year the first ever episode on the podcast on the 14th of february 2019 was radhi we did our one year celebration with radhi and this is now our two-year celebration with radhi the podcast is now officially two years old oh my gosh that's amazing but also i thought number one you'd keep my seat warm for me is it not warm i mean and as seeing as i'm like probably the person that's been on the podcast the most i thought maybe i'd have like some of my favorite snacks here but i had to bring my own tea didn't i this is your house i had to bring my own tea didn't i this is your house and the snack cupboard is yours and you do own this but it's different if you bring it for me but i'm so excited to be here um and yeah i don't know um what we're going to speak about but i'm very excited yeah so rodney and i don't plan these what we do is we ask my team friends people we know people we don't know to come up with questions that we can discuss and that's what we're going to do today we think 2020 was a incredible year for relationships and the challenges it brought with that so we want to dive in today about how we tried to navigate 2020 and as always these conversations are completely raw and open and vulnerable where we're sharing with you our mistakes the things we got wrong the things we learned the things we got right we're sharing all of it in this conversation so i really really hope that you enjoy this one as do i so let's go what should we start with so the first question the first question that i have from our team is what do you find hardest about love i was actually thinking about this this morning when i think about coming and speaking here speaking here coming and speaking to you um and i was thinking about how you know a lot of the time when you end up feeling um annoyed at your partner or irritated in some way or when they really annoy you i actually actually made me realize that a lot of the time you know they say it ends up being a reflection of you and i think a lot of when i think about what ends up like when we have our like petty arguments or whatever it is i feel like it's actually because it hits at a sore point of me realizing that it's it's my whatever we're arguing about how i'm reacting it's my weakness and a lot of the time that stubbornness and so i feel like whenever we i think that's quite that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to relationships or love is that the other person because you spend so much time with them and because um you know they they know you better than anybody else that they end up being a reflection of actually you so every time you end up having interactions with them that aren't that great actually a lot of the time you can sit there and be like maybe that had a lot more to do with me how i reacted rather than that other person but sometimes it's them too that's a really good answer that's a really good answer i think that's such a good point i was i think what i'm saying is i would second that and to give another answer to give a different answer i also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths onto the other person's weaknesses so you want the other person to be more like you but when you really think about it you don't like you like yeah yeah you love for not being like you but when you say things like i'll give an example that i'm super organized disciplined live by the schedule on time i and and and at times in our relationship i've wanted you to become like that yeah and do things like me and when i've really sat with that and really thought with that i realized actually i don't want you to be like me because i love you for not being me yeah and the things that you bring to this relationship whether it's spontaneity whether it's being fresh whether it's being always alive like that's the strength and i think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partner's strengths instead of amplifying them yeah and what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different but actually if you amplify their strengths which is the part you love anyway yeah you're going to have a much more fulfilling and exciting relationship so i think that i find that hard because i think we all live in our heads yeah it's so true and we think the way we think is the right hey what do you want to do tomorrow and you're like well i kind of have a nine to five like six schedule ready to go for the next like six months and i'm like oh so you don't want to go shopping with me or you don't want to go to like get some plants and yeah no i agree and and i feel like it's but i also think from from that that you know it also helps even if you're not doing even if you feel like it's a negative thing to um to notice that and to um to try and correct it in the same way i think you can also help the other person tighten up on that area of their life too like okay cool you may be super organized and i may be not very organized at all but at the same time we can find like a good middle ground when we're together where it's like okay you know that i like being spontaneous so maybe randomly you'll be like okay cool like what you do you're like oh you know i won't i'll just cancel my meeting or i'll i'll i won't do this and let's just go do this and for me i'm like oh okay and i i know that i try to be a little bit more organized where i'm like okay i need to make sure i do this today i need to make sure i give you this today like whatever it is like trying to trying to make that better as well because even though it's a strength in some ways every strength ends up being a weakness in some way too so i think it helps you know kind of balance it out as well and and help the other person notice when they need to probably change a little bit absolutely okay second question is how did your relationship change in 2020 how did you i kind of feel like this felt like our like first year of marriage because we um probably well no not probably we have not spent this much time together in our whole entire relationship and so i kind of feel like for me it felt like we were on our honeymoon type field where we just got married and we were learning so much more about each other but but then we ended up um yeah just just really understanding one another and settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past how many have been married like three years four years we've nearly been married five years nearly five years but it feels like one year um but yeah no i think it really made us um it really helped us understand each other better it helped us get into a rhythm together which i don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together um and so i think it's actually changed um in most like in i can't think of any ways that it's changing and negative i really think that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out but it's definitely got to a point now where i'm like oh wow this that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step up for us yeah i'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together because we always go and like travel together or something like that but it was the first year we started actually working out and exercising together yeah so we used to go on hikes up griffiths park and then runyon and then we'd go on walks and just so many opportunities to be in nature together because we weren't going to the gym and then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout and we'd put our playlist on with that song that you were talking about the other day that's the song of 2020 for me and i just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together but we actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together i think we actually realized that um we were spending time together in the wrong ways before like i feel like that's what it made us realize that we thought going shopping together or going to watch a movie together was like and sitting and watching a movie together were the ways that we would be spending time together and then we realized that actually we just really enjoyed doing whether it's like normal things like working out but it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that feel i don't know i don't have to explain it but yeah like something that when we're not talking or we're not interacting um and the focus is somewhere else whereas this it's like you're completely focused on the activity completely focused on the other person and um it was just so much more fun to do that stuff together even if it is just like working out and or going for a walk or whatever it is but it felt so much more interactive and like yeah so much more fun yeah and for everyone who's listening and watching this was the year that radhi and i've spent the most actual time together since we've been married yeah and since we were dating because i'm always traveling she's back at home in london sometimes she's traveling and for us to be in this space together we we had to focus on learning about each other even more so it was a big change for us yeah and like radi said i i think the same i think it just brought about positives for us thankfully and you know we we grew a lot closer this year yeah and i do think it's also because we it i don't feel like it it felt natural but at the same time it was natural because we were both very aware and intentional of how we were interacting with the other person because of how bad it's gone in the past i feel like we have been able to use all of those mistakes that we made where we were really trying to figure out a way for it to be better like we both had the intention of making it better whether it was like quarantine whether it was whatever it was that like i feel like we'd gone through so many times where we tried and it may be like we still weren't understanding each other we were like no this time we both actually really want to intentionally make an effort to have conversations that we maybe don't have to resolve things in a way that we don't normally resolve things and so yeah i think i think that that's also important because it wasn't just like oh this was nice like it just happened this way i feel like it was definitely something we thought about and tried as well i'll do a question for um i was thinking about this earlier too like and i was going to ask you separately but i thought why not ask you on here put you on the spot um what is like okay for example you know in a relationship when one person asked the other person to do something like i always think about this with you because you always regardless of when i ask you to do something no matter if you're like let's say something simple like we're both sitting watching something and i'm literally like to you oh i really want this and like i haven't even asked you to do it but you'll literally get up and you'll go and do it for me or like i'll ask you to go get something and you'll like you won't even flinch like you'll go out of your way to do it and actually i was thinking about it and like that seems like such a small thing but i actually feel like it's not because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom your dad whatever it says oh do i really have to go and get it like can't you just go do it yourself but you i feel have generally always been like that and so i'm just gonna ask you because i think it'll be helpful for other people too and helpful for me like what goes through your mind when even if i'm being really irritating or being a brat like what makes you just continually do that without yeah without like moaning the first thing that goes through my mind is you are such a brat yeah you are you are closer to that light switch right now you are closer to the water container right now yeah why are you asking me to do this that that's the first thing that goes through my life and then and then my monk mine comes in and there's two sides to it first of all i know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult you're doing it because you want to be loved that way and i think that when you realize if you're in a loving trusting relationship you start realizing that your partner's requests even if they seem unreasonable and irrational a lot of the time that's just how you want to be loved in that moment and when you see it in that way yeah you go yeah of course i want to love you in that way because you're not doing it to hurt me because i know you love me you're not doing it to upset me you're obviously not doing it to irritate me so then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now and you need love in that way or you need connection in that way or you need intimacy in that way and so you're asking for it because it's a request for love and i think we think of requests for love as like oh give me a hug or i need to talk to you we think of those things but actually it's the day-to-day moments in the small things where someone's saying please love me please see me please show up for me please bring me a snack please bring me a snack and and i think we mistake that language because we think oh that person's being so irritable so demanding so demanding and maybe they are and and that's something that you have to check for yourself so if you are that person rather then then you have to check for yourself whether it is demanding and stubborn or whether it is a request for love yeah for yourself but i've made it in my mind that i believe you love me and so if i believe you love me then i should believe that this is you asking for love and so but if i didn't believe you loved me and i really would be so annoying then it would be really annoying yeah and so it doesn't mean that i don't have that thought it doesn't mean that i don't get internally frustrated with you for a second and then straight after that this kicks in and that walks me through it and i think when people sometimes say to me like oh well haven't you got it all figured out i'm like no the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out the first thought is always oh gosh whatever whatever whatever yeah it's the second thought it's allow it's it's taking that time to have that second thought rather than reacting to the first yeah yeah so that's the answer to that question that's great thank you i've always wanted that i have actually so this question came in from our team it says tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise and how did it work out i'm gonna go first i know the first thing you're gonna say is i don't believe in compromises in relationships you know me so well so that's exactly what i was gonna say i was like as soon as i hear the word compromise i have a i have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise because i believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want one which doesn't make any sense repeat that repeat that rewind that's a good point go on have a have a j shetty moment so so i have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise because i don't understand what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want that's what a compromise is so it feels like one person is getting what they want and the other person is not getting what they want that's what a compromise is whereas what i have tried to live by in our relationship is i want you to get what you want and i want to get what i want now if that doesn't mesh all the time or if that doesn't connect all the time then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same way about everything and i think that just makes that actually makes space for resentment it makes space for bitterness it's almost like think about this everyone who's listening and watching think about this for a moment imagine i gave up what i wanted to do all the time to be where radhi wanted me to be i'm going to be feeling upset i'm going to be thinking i should be doing this or i could be doing this and then you develop bitterness towards the other person where you can't even respect and appreciate them and if you were always dragged to what i'm doing you may be thinking well i could be doing this or i could be doing that and what ends up happening is i feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together we say that again you actually end up you actually end up moving further further you actually end up moving further away by forcing yourself to be together yes when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space so that's my relationship with the word compromise we've both been very happy for the other person to live freely to do what they want to do and without pressure of being like okay cool it's my friend's birthday for example and if you're not that interested in coming or i'm not that interested in coming with you it's not like oh my gosh but you have to come like we're a couple we can't go places without one another like we're just okay cool like you don't need to go and we understand that too it's like yeah it's gonna be boring for you like you don't need to come with me and we're very good at making it quite clear if something is important to us whether it's family stuff whether it's whatever say okay cool you don't need to come to this family thing but i would really appreciate it if you could make some time and and come here and so i think it's also that where it doesn't feel like a compromise if one the you know that it's that it's the same thing as what you were saying about the bringing me water or snacks it's like you know that the person loves you and so if they if you make explicitly clear what's valuable to you and they still don't feel and you still don't feel heard by them then that's one thing but like if i know that you love me and you know what's important to me i feel like you always know when you need to show up and if for example you haven't and i may not have communicated it to you if i tell you afterwards it's always like oh i'm so sorry i had no idea that's how you felt um and so yeah i think it's important one like letting the other person know what is of value to you and whether it's actually that important not being like oh come with me and the person says no and then you're like oh okay fine like it's it doesn't have to be like that it can be a oh but please i really i like this is really important to me so it's being it's communicating and letting you know about that and also yeah understanding that the other person loves you and that if they are saying no it's not because they're trying to hurt you it's because they maybe genuinely have something that's more important to go to or to do yeah and and i think you're right that you that's a really good point because you expect the other person to read your mind and to know why it should be important to you and yeah yeah you often have that thought like you should know this is important to me but but the truth is that in every relationship like no one knows until you explain to them and i think in our love relationships and our romantic even in our friendships yeah we just expect everyone to fully know what we value yeah it's like with even with family for example just if if someone is really close to their family you expect in your mind that they realize that that's an important thing but if for example that person is not that close to their family in their mind it's like oh it's my uncle's birthday come to my uncle's birthday and you're like i won't even go to my own you're not you but generally someone else might be like oh i won't even go to my own uncle's birthday because i'm not that close to them so i think it's like you are expecting the other person to live how you live and how you have your relationships or how you value things and it's it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life awesome all right next question on the list next up is we both have such hectic schedules in life and lots of work going on and all our commitments how do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other i can also actually have so many so my family member's always like but does he have time to spend with you like do you guys have time and i was speaking to one of my um family friends the other day and she was just like are you sure you guys spend time with each other and i was like yeah we spend a lot of time together but but i can understand why people may think that but yeah you know what i don't feel like we've ever really felt i i feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had like months apart we do make an effort that when we are together especially recently within the past year or two years would you say you say two years we've started doing yeah we started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least a weekend that we spend solid together and sometimes that's more time that you spend together even if you were seeing someone every single day for like a month because it's condensed time it's it's intentional and it's um with the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate um and be together in a meaningful way so yeah we definitely um make that time but it's also because we choose to do that yeah i think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time and so we'll both be like well if we're both tired today we'd rather not force ourselves to try and spend time together and give each other space or give each other time to decompress and this weekend we'll make sure we spend time together rather than the artificial force of like today we had to spend time together because we promised or we said we would and it's like but maybe we're both not got the right energy right now we haven't got that presence right now and so i think it's a mutual understanding at the same time i feel like you know they've been different parts in our relationship like i remember when we lived in new york we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together because the only time i had off was the weekends and i was busy working sometimes too and you were doing all your courses and your work on the weekends and so i spent a ton of my weekends alone and you spent a ton of your weeks weekends weekdays alone yeah yeah and if you think back that's that's literally was the pattern of our life for two years and then there was travel to london and everywhere else i was going and i think through all of that it was always just about savoring those moments it was about really cherishing and realizing that we were in a building phase and so i want to address something here actually that i think will be really interesting for people is i talk a lot about like the five cycles of life that we all go through so we have learn experiment perform struggle thrive and so these like different stages you go through every year and when we were in new york we were in a build phase of our life like we were both building we just got married i'd literally just started my career you were discovering your career we were in a build phase yeah and i think when you expect a lot from your partner when you're both building it can be really demanding but now we're at a stage in our life where certain things we're performing in where i've got a bit of a rhythm and a role and so i'm able to give more time and you're in this different stage in your life and i feel like when you start looking at your life as stages yeah as opposed to like everything this is gonna be forever forever yeah it's like it can't be that way and there's actually a really good book on this by gary chapman and i think it's called the four seasons of love or the four seasons of marriage or relationships and it talks about how is yours is your relationship right now in the season of summer winter spring or autumn now when i think about this i think that all of us want our relationship to always be in summer i mean i like winter but oh yeah okay yeah we always want our relationship to be in summer in the sense that it's hard it's passionate it's cool it's like everything's good about summer right we all look forward to summer but maybe your relationship's at a point in life right now as this book says that your relationship might be in winter it's going for a dark period a cold period where you just got to stick it out together yeah when i think about new york yeah when i think about us in new york it was a bit of winter in spring yeah like it was a bit of winter in spring and autumn's like where you've got to let go and you've got to shed and i think about when we first started dating there were moments where our relationship was in autumn yeah where we were just letting things go and purging and removing energy i know when you were going to yoga classes and yeah yoga teacher training so i just i think that book's a great model and that reflection that i've had for a while that your life goes through stages and seasons and stop trying to make every day and every week summer yeah i really love that that's so cool what a great book yeah i had a reflection i started researching and then i found the book and the way i was thinking about it is like if you know it's winter you take an umbrella out yeah you know it's winter you put a coat on yeah but if you think it's summer you keep expecting your partner to you know anyway so this is an interesting question what film or tv show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship oh my gosh that's such a good question i automatically in my mind go to um this is us because one of my favorite shows ever i've never seen it you've never seen it but it's so good and um we love chrissy our good friend love chrissy um but there are actually really lovely examples of couples who like make it through stuff in that whether it's like the main couple i'm sure to be honest most people have probably seen it you just odd one out but um yeah the main mum and dad and then there's um sterling what's his name sterling brown sterling the actor yeah probably yeah yeah i think that's something sterling or sterling something you'll know who i mean but their relationship is amazing because they go through so many ups and downs but they're so good at communication and i i feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships even chrissy's relationship with her partner her husband on the show they're all so different in relationships and the way they communicate but they show very good um yeah very very realistic and and uh useful relationships i feel yeah i love that show it's so good i actually struggle with this question because i think a i don't watch a lot of tv shows but i do watch a lot of movies and i think growing up i had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies it's so true so i grew up watching bollywood movies a lot and i remember thinking that that's what love had to look like yeah like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss yeah they do in bollywood or like you're all like dancing around and like there's all this like field there's all this puppies yeah and like music's playing when you fall in love and i'm running towards you in slow motion and my hair naturally falls like this yeah and you're coming towards me and then it cuts because they don't show anything else in bollywood films yeah back in the day and so so that's what you i grew up with unhealthy projections of love yeah and the the thing that comes to mind when i am thinking about this apart from the last dance michael jordan documentary which doesn't show marriage but shows like love in a team and camaraderie and collaboration i'll try and find a bit more of a i actually think the happy place uh the good place sorry the good thing i always call it the happy place kristen bell's character eleanor and her relationship with chidi like the way it shows relationship dynamics is really interesting about like what is a good relationship what is support what is friendship like i think it answers a lot of deeper questions yeah that's such a good show it's such a great show i'm enjoying it so much and we came to it late but but we're loving it yeah and i just think it has so many good messages so i'd have to go with that okay cool this is us and happy place yeah no was it the good place good place yeah i call it the happy place and yeah and i'm going back to what the shows i grew up and i grew up on the oc and desperate housewives both not good good examples of relationship ideas and and friends you grew up on which again did you get i wouldn't say it's like the best relationship stuff it's just comedy and yeah but i agree with movies it's for girls and for guys i guess i guess i didn't think that it was such a big thing for guys because you never i don't know growing up i always think guys just like don't think about like romance in that stage of their life but for girls i think for sure you're just always seeing how like the the girls like the damsel in distress and the guy like saves him saves her and i think it's um yeah movies mess you up okay this is an interesting question do have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship and how do you express doubt [Music] i guess maybe like right at the beginning when um i'm trying to think i'm sure i'd write the beginning and then like you know just before you're getting married and like everything's like a bit confusing and there's just so much going on because of wedding and then you're like oh my gosh i have to get married to this person no i don't know i want to know yeah i think i think probably just i guess just at the beginning when everything was so up in the air because like you know as uh i'm sure in most cultures but in archives it's like the man should have a job and the man should be the breadwinner and like which is not true you should have no which is not true but and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person like everything should already be set before you even think about marriage and we really didn't have that and so i think probably the beginning but i was so lucky because my mum and dad really were just so okay that i naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people get in your mind um but i think i was quite sure i felt like i felt like straight away i knew i had a connection with you i knew that your values and the person that you were um i i just knew we would be able to grow so deeply together and that's really what i was focusing on and then i was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place but and i'm so grateful for that but i i knew that the core thing that i wanted in the relationship was there for us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together and that was the main focus for me and then yeah and then we started having fun i was like oh he is fun like he's just not just like a teacher and like just so deep but you also were so fun and and all the things that i maybe hadn't thought about was important to me slowly started coming i was like oh that is really important to me gosh i didn't realize that at the beginning that that's what i wanted um but yes the doubt was definitely um was definitely like taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that i wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason and um yeah yeah yeah that's a that's a good honest answer yeah i think i think my only doubt was always and and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because i remember it was really funny when your family had mentioned this to you and it was like are you sure he's not going to run back and be a monk back to the monastery and it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously not anymore had ever been that should i have been alone yeah so my doubt was never like you or another person or if you were the right person yeah it's always been it's either you or me being alone and and i think that comes from me loving being alone and spending so much time alone and i think there was a part of our relationship where because i was spending long periods on my own yeah i always considered that and i and i had that consideration of like oh is this what i'm meant to be doing like should i have done this like i and i think a bit part of my doubt came from a came from a bit of sadness that i was like oh am i taking her away from her family am i taking her you did her dreams am i taking like that was where my doubt of should i have been alone came from was oh no maybe i'm like for my pursuing of my purpose which i'm really dedicated to totally yeah am i taking her away that was when my doubt came from that am i so selfish that maybe i should be doing my purpose alone why should i drag someone else on my journey and i actually think in the beginning i probably felt that way too like i i probably when we went to new york it definitely felt like compromising because i felt like the only thing i really had at that time in my life that i truly valued and felt i was very concrete in was my family and that's what my whole life revolved around and so i guess at the beginning because i hadn't matured in my thoughts of of what this relationship was i did feel like that and i and i remember there used to be times i was like well um i can't remember but i'm sure that there were moments where in my mind i felt like well we have to go back for my family to do this because you've taken me away anyway like you've taken me to new york and so now we have to do this because i want to do this or we have to like you need to do this for me because we've done this for you and um yeah but but i but i definitely now looking back i realized actually it was all so much more for like it so i i don't feel that way at all anymore but i can um yeah i can i can relate i probably had those feelings a little bit at the beginning that you you're probably feeling from me no it's good i i think these are great conversations to have and what's interesting about these conversations though is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment yeah if you don't monitor that well that could end up breaking something definitely and we're lucky that it didn't i feel like it could have though if if i hadn't if if i then didn't choose to like figure out what was going wrong with me and i was projecting that all on you and making it feel like it was it was the issue was our relationship or the issue was you but really it was me having a lack of awareness of myself that i had to i had to do that otherwise i think i would have constantly kept blaming on that and constantly felt that way and i have so much admiration for you and respect for you because of that because i think that it's so easy i was always trying to compensate and help in whatever way i could but i feel like you doing that is what's made our relationship so strong is that you've just really worked hard on the last few years of finding yourself discovering yourself working and you've tried a lot of things like yeah you've it's not been easy and you know i i feel like i found my thing when i was 18 and i've been doing it for 15 years and it's funny for me to think that because a lot of people online are like oh jay you've only been doing this online for like three or four years and i've been doing this for 15 years but for you i've watched you since that we've met which was you know sorry since we've been together which is what nearly eight years now and i've seen you like try this try that experiment with this and actually it's been really amazing why don't you tell people about how you feel your journey's been of discovering your real passion because i think people see you now and you've got your amazing youtube channel and your instagram page and all the wonderful stuff you're doing and people may think oh yeah rather just and yes you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that i fell in love with you for but the way you're expressing it now has definitely evolved right yeah definitely i to be honest i feel like i had no idea what i was doing until till beginning of or like what march last year when all of this started happening and it was the first time i had to literally sit there and be like oh crap i have no excuse of oh i can't do this because i have to go with jay travelling like i can't start my own thing because you know i'm never really in the country and it's really difficult i just want to focus on what jay has and i'm just there to support him and i realized as much as that was true and i did want to do that it was probably a big um covering for me not wanting to actually figure out what i wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something um and yeah it just kind of stripped all of that away where i i was like no i have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me and so i just started and yeah i definitely tried so many different ways and different things whether it was like i made a did a website during that time and you know it's not the best website but it's like the website that i started off with and i put so much effort into it did like 100 recipes within what a couple of months because i really focused on it and and it just showed me because i was such a person that i would start something in as soon as i felt a little bit overwhelming or even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way i'd be like oh my gosh that means i have to take another step forward and i'm not sure i want to do that okay let's just shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else and i and i i realized that pattern that i had and so i was really determined to not do that with this because i almost like get in my own way of being a failure in my mind being a failure because i choose to not take the next step not because anything else comes in my way but because the fear of the next step would always scare me scary enough to not want to take it and so it was really amazing actually i was like just looking at myself from an like outside perspective and i was like oh my gosh i never ever thought she could do this like i never thought i could do that i never thought i would actually still be making recipes i thought it was like something i do for a month and then get bored and be like ah can't bother to to keep adding onto this website anymore but um yeah and then and then i did my decided to try my youtube thing which oh my gosh took so long to actually start because of fear again pushing me away from it but i just i mean you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly like you see everything happening for me before i even dream about it and i think it's just been so nice because whenever i've had doubts you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love but a lot of the time it's really taking the time to have the conversations with me and i avoid the conversations and you're like okay what do you need to do next like what is it i'm like i don't want to talk about it right now i haven't figured it out and i just don't want to speak about it but you constantly would help like push me through because you saw that i was coming from a place of fear not because i actually didn't want to and i think that's really important too it's like i know with a lot of your stuff like nine percent of time you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it but there are certain times that you do want to discuss things and vice versa like i obviously like this i obviously need um you to input in a lot more of my stuff because i feel like you've done a lot of the things that i've done and i really appreciate your advice for it um but i think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that i needed it and um yeah i just i didn't realize i don't know how i did how i got here but i'm really happy that i did it i'm so happy because i never expected myself to be able to do that ever and i i just genuinely feel for any everybody else that's listening to this that i was like that's where my spontaneity that can be a strength and ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where i wanted to commit to something and um yeah i just i honest and i'm not just saying this genuinely if i can do it ask my mom she will tell you if i can do it i 100 know that other people can whatever it is that you love doing just try it out and um yeah if i can do it oh my gosh you all can definitely do it but enough about me what i genuinely love about the way you're doing it though is that even though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out you haven't lost who you are yeah and i think that's the hardest part and i love seeing that in you like each and every video the amount of effort you put in i know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video and like your nerves and your excitement and you just want to make everything so wonderful for everyone and i love that i love that even though you've become organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn that you haven't lost yourself in it because i think that's possible too so i i love watching it and it makes me really happy and and what you were just saying at the end you know there's there's an old relationship rule of like don't keep the score and it's been said for many many years of like don't keep score in a relationship but often score feels like oh i did this favor what did someone else do and what i've realized is that score should not be kept energetically and so what i mean by that is i really feel that you carry the relationship sometimes emotionally and so i may be carrying it mentally but you're carrying it emotionally and so if you're only looking at the mental score right i'll be going like oh well i'm doing everything why are you not doing anything mentally like you're not planning you're not setting goals you're not doing this but that's because i'm only measuring it on my scorecard and i think it's so important to be like well there are so many different scorecards there's physical financial mental emotional spiritual there are five scorecards first of all there shouldn't be a scorecard but i'm saying there's five types of offering in a relationship and you're only ever looking at the one you give but it's also useful to think of it in that way like you're saying there's not scorecards but i think it's useful because i think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be the hero or like want to be the person that like oh but i've done this and i've done that and so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is in your school card but then realize hopefully where the other person is also contributing so i think yeah um but yeah that's so that's really a good way of putting i've never thought of it in that way yeah no i've thought about that so many times i think whenever i've been in that position of like oh i'm doing so much for this relationship and and i do there are times when i feel like i'm like yeah i'm doing this and then you just stop and you're like that's just stupid because there are so many levels you carry the relationship on totally and and i encourage everyone to do that with their partner is just really look at like where are you carrying the relationship and where are they carrying the relationship and i promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something and if they're not carrying anything then sure that's that's not a great relationship but i think there are so many relationships where we miss what someone's doing i think that really stops you from um and actually having i didn't think of it in that way but whenever i do think about when i'm irritated at something or when i feel that way thinking about it in your way and sometimes i have thought about it in that way it makes you really not be selfish like it makes you a lot of the times if you feel that way you can end up stopping yourself from continuing continuing to do that or continuing to be the person carrying this section but i think when you think of it as these other four areas that could that other person may be helping in or carrying it stops you from limiting yourself in what you can give and realizing that actually i could be giving everything in this category and that's okay because he's giving everything in this category and i don't want that category so i'm good for him to handle that um and so yeah i think like one that just reminds me of all the the stuff i always get like even when i put up cooking stuff or i'll get d i'm just being like you know does jay ever cook for you and does jay do this for you and i'm like no and it doesn't irritate me at all because i don't like doing finance stuff like it may be such a cliche of like how you know i like being in the kitchen but it's out of choice like i love being in this it's not because you're a woman it's not because i'm a woman that's what i mean yeah yeah yeah and like sometimes when you there's been times remember when like some days i'll be like um someone will you'll be like oh someone's come to a house and you're like yeah this is her work area and some people don't even know what i'm doing and i'm like are we both laughing yeah i always i always show people my office which is where we are now yeah and then when we get a kitchen i would say and this is riley's office and i don't mean it in a condescending or sexist way at all it's actually her office yeah like that's where you experiment and that's where you create recipes and yeah but but yeah i just think it's it's really it's really important that because i do still always get people but like does it it doesn't annoy you that he doesn't cook doesn't it know you they doesn't even want to try or make you a meal and i'm like no because i really don't want to learn about this that he does and he manages and i think it's so important because you can get so wrapped up in what other people do for each other in relationships and what other people are carrying for each other in relationships and you see this one aspect of it you're like oh well why doesn't he carry that for me and why doesn't she carry that for me or do that for me and and i think it's so important because it can really yes stop you from giving as much as you should be or want to be giving in a relationship because you're putting up your own barriers and telling yourself that you shouldn't because he's not giving enough exactly all right couple more questions go on then uh this is a good one when are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner when are you most scared to be vulnerable like when are you scared of like being really honest and open i'm thinking sometimes when um you know like if i'm supposed it's like you've already given me advice on something and then like i'm kind of asking for like again and i'm like really confused about something again and you're really nice about it but sometimes i feel like it's you know when i know you're going to tell me something that i don't necessarily want to hear because you've already told me before and i don't necessarily want you to give me the answer because i know you're right and that makes me really annoyed so sometimes i don't feel like being vulnerable about how i'm feeling because i know the answer you're gonna give and that i don't want to hear it [Laughter] i so what do i need to be to help you be more vulnerable no i think it's more me no seriously no no i think it is this is very much so just me i think it's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right that's like a recurring theme in this podcast right now i'm not stopping i'm not allowed to say it that's the thing that's the rule i've learned let's say i'm not allowed to say rodney's reflect that's what i feel most vulnerable it's like i'm not allowed to repeat something she said that makes me look good i'm like yeah i should really tidy up after myself forever he's like yeah yeah we should have you know tell me you're not allowed to tell me that i should tidy up but i'll tell myself if i'm gonna tidy up after myself okay i i feel most i'm trying to think i i think the time i feel most vulnerable is like when i spent a lot of money on something i feel like that's it but i'm trying to think of it like oh yeah like when you tell me not to oh yeah make sure you just park properly and don't ruin the rims i'm like if i want to win the rooms i'll ruin the rooms okay no that no but i don't feel vulnerable i say that to you i'm trying to think of some when am i scared of being vulnerable with you when am i scared of being vulnerable with you wait i don't send them anything no like if i've just bought like a really expensive suit oh you don't want to tell yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah if i've just bought an expensive suit for like an award ceremony because he knows he's got a goody wife yeah so i get scared of being like yeah this has a suitcase because i'm wearing it and what do i always have like that's okay it's for your work yeah every time yeah you know you're always nice to me in my mind i always i'm like it's for your work it's fine no you're nice about it i think i think it's a silly thing just because of upbringing and stuff it's not you it's not you at all you you never stop me um and then i'm trying to think what i'm trying to think of something more i'm trying to think because that was a fun one with your health like sometimes with health stuff yeah you know why because sometimes like because i'm cooking for him i take things quite personally and so sometimes you try so hard no i know i know as in that's not but i feel like sometimes from you i feel you get a little bit worried about saying if something has upset your stomach or if something hasn't made you feel right um whenever you have been any ups and downs with your health um or when i've given you something and i've suggested something and it hasn't worked and i'm like but why isn't it work like i just don't understand and i think it makes you vulnerable and i get quite defensive no no no i don't think so but you're trying to like i i don't think you get defensive i think you try really hard and so it's hard for you because you're trying to figure out so many ways to support me or help me yeah yeah and you don't want to you don't want it to go wrong and this is what it always comes back down to it's like when you trust the person loves you you know that someone even being defensive is out of love yeah i am defensive though about it to be honest no but i i don't i think that comes from the fact that you're trying so hard yeah yeah maybe because i'm just like oh wow and it's hard when you're not in control of something and you're trying to be in control of it um but yeah i feel like that's when i notice you're you are a little bit scared to be vulnerable because you want to tell me but you also don't want to upset me or or like that's a good answer yeah yeah that's a good answer i don't yeah i never want you to feel like you're trying really hard and it's not working on something because i don't think that's fair because it's not necessarily your responsibility or like when you want to play playstation and you pretend like it's like a work meeting with your partner and never say that away i really just want to play playstation together but you're like it's for work and i'm like yeah it's just because you want to play okay another one you're giving way too many well as well okay so we're on to the final two segments which is fill in the blank and final five fill in the blank and finally yeah so fill in the blank is you fill in the blank at the end of the sentence we're both gonna say it all right yeah okay are you ready i'm ready i feel most supported by my partner when i feel like we did this last time yeah but not the same question i feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when i don't even ask for them that never happens no that's why i just don't feel it right now no i feel most that's my answer you go i feel most supported by my partner when i bring you cut up fruit no i mean that's a fun one yeah but he likes his fruit cut up when he's eating it like a little baby because his mum used to do it for him when he was younger and when he goes back every single time his mom cuts his fruit up into a little bowl and he has a little assortment of fruit bowl every day and he's like you know i really love it when my fruits cut up so um that's what i've been doing cutting up fruit midday halfway through my work day i haven't had it today tomorrow sitting there cutting up fruit for this king over here cut up fruit makes him make some support feels the boy my honest answer was gonna be when my partner's present with me like when i feel like you're really fully present okay commitment means commitment means commitment means commitment means like showing up in different ways for one another when the time is right knowing knowing when is your time to show up and knowing when it's their time show up yeah i think commitment means mutual love boundaries agreements connection like when it's mutually created like you create a plan together you create boundaries together you create expectations together that's what commitment means and then you honor those totally conflict can bring conflict can bring well let's just say i box so conflict can bring god i'm joking i don't do that to him um conflict can bring deeper love i was going to say something like that no you weren't i was no you weren't you chose boxing complicated boxing conflict can bring um really good like makeup meals like whenever we wake up we went oh let's go get some like cocoa butter creamery ice cream is that really what happened that's why we haven't had it for so long because we haven't had to make up we haven't really had many fights lately let's pick one now final five so these are one word or one sentence yeah stop giving such long answers okay what's one thing you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you that i can commit to things and just maintain it i always knew this but i guess i forgot it i love exercising with sport i just need to play more sport i need to stop forcing myself so that lovely okay what about our relationship makes you feel powerful they're both on the same page like a lot of the time i'm like oh i like this and you're like oh me too i'm like oh okay like even if small or big things like we are very much so on the same page and even if we're not we're both kind of okay with coming to an agreement that we both like that's mine cool my answer is you you you always trust me when the chips are down what was the question again like what make what in our relationship makes you feel powerful yeah i got you so for me i i what makes me feel powerful is when we're all in you trust me even when things are not working out yeah externally that makes me feel really confident and stuff i'm glad okay just don't use my chips choose your own what do you think our relationship will be like by our 50th anniversary oh lord i didn't choose these what do i think i think the better question is how will we celebrate our 50th wedding anyway um my mind was that with my family with our family we'd have a really nice 50th celebration with the whole family all together on holiday somewhere sounds great just laying here that's my answer sounds great kids would be like just us two on a beach with a tennis court and cut throat all right two last questions what about your partner have you grown to love that you initially disliked i can't think of anything good you go fast no i can't think of many things i just like i'm just trying to think of what i what i now like about you i think it was your like i think i've just realized that i think it was what i said earlier like your lack of organization or whatever like i initially that really irked me and then now i'm just like but that's what lets you be spontaneous like that's what lets your ever freshness come out and if you became all of that thing then you can't you know not saying that you can't be organized like you are organized now and you have become but i mean if you became uh an organizational rigid beast and you lose that yeah you lose part of that um i think mine for you is probably just like your general way of thinking was not something that i was used to that's true that's a good one that's a really good one whether it was the quality versus quantity amount of time because i was not used to that whether it was um yeah your general way of thinking where i used to be like oh well maybe i don't want to do that but then i realized actually is a really good way of thinking and um even though it used to like scare me to things like that because i felt like i was getting rid of a lot of my old like habits and ways of thinking now i've actually become quite fond of it okay next i love that okay fifth and final question of the whole interview what's the funniest thing that's happened to both of you the funniest thing that's ever happened to both of us um i was going to say i was going to say that go on where were you a few weeks or months ago someone put us up on this instagram page called sibling revelry and what this page does is that it puts up pictures of siblings or couples and asks people to vote whether they're siblings or or couples and so they posted a picture of us and i think 60 said siblings and 40 said couple probably 40 who know who we are and it's really funny because all the awkward pictures on that page our siblings are seriously yeah yeah yeah so it's yeah that's probably one of the funniest things that says that is really funny that was a good good laugh that was good laugh um i can think of another one too go on i remember when we were traveling to someone's birthday or something when we first started dating and we got lost in the middle that's what i was going to say no way literally when i went back to go on no i was thinking of when we were um oh yeah that's what it was we were going somewhere it was a countryside and then somehow we remember we drove into like a barn or like field area and i was so scared and that was the first time that i was in a very scary situation with you and it was the the time i realized like how you will always be and always have been sins that like calm my dad has always been this person for me so it was so cool because you literally took on that role of like you were so calm you're so clean even even when you're scared when i was young even if my dad was so scared he would never ever show he was scared and he'd always have me like i would never feel scared because he was never scared and you literally had i got a glimpse of that with you and i was like oh my gosh i was so scared i was so scared you did so good that day that was funny and funny now not funny then yeah yeah and that's it everyone quick five done final five final five as always thank you all so much thanks so much for all the amazing questions thanks for listening thanks for watching uh make sure you go and subscribe to radhi's youtube channel follow her on instagram so i can bug you and love you yeah go and check out all her new videos she's posting every single week and they're the most fun she's my favorite youtuber turn the little notifications on and rodney thank you for always being our annual special guest next time i think i expect some sort of a prize okay or a gift cool or a trophy okay or snacks okay i'll think one of one of the above okay um but yes thank you it was so wonderful and i really thought the questions were great yeah i really enjoyed this one i think we went really deep with yeah we talked about doubts we talked about insecurities vulnerability all right that's it guys thank you thank you very much see you soon next time on jay shetty on purpose podcast no really that's it [Music] is that your mic drop yeah you can drop it don't if you want even more videos just like this one make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here i'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book think like a monk from think like a monkbook.com check below in the description to make sure you order today

Channel: Jay Shetty Podcast

Views: 435,836

Keywords: Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty Podcast, Jay Shetty Interview, On Purpose Podcast, Jay Shetty Inspiration, Jay Shetty Motivation, Jay Shetty Video, Self help, Self improvement, Self development, entrepreneur, success habits, purpose podcast, Jay Shetty relationships, radhi devlukia, radhi devlukia morning, radhi and jay shetty, jay shetty his wife, radhi devlukia interview, radhi devlukia women of impact, how to find love, relationship advice, jay shetty relationship, love advice

Id: WLAgd3XITZk

Length: 59min 38sec (3578 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 15 2021