Monitor And Manage Your Anger | Think Out Loud With Jay Shetty

today's session is all about how to monitor and manage your anger right so all of you been asking questions saying J please do a topic on anger please do a session on anger please take anger so here we are talking about anger right it's it's that word it's that expression that we all have in common but we all express in different ways so today's session is all about how we can understand how we personally uniquely express anger and how to manage it as well I'm sure you all know someone who's angry right right ever know someone who's angry and if you're not nodding it's probably you someone's thinking of you right now and thinking you're the angry one so whether you are exposed to a lot of anger whether you're feeling anger yourself whether you know a lot of people who are struggling with anger anger is a real thing that we all have to deal with it's like a bad friend when you feel angry you feel frustrated when you're feeling that emotion that expression how do you talk about it how do you express it I want you to think about a time maybe in the last week maybe in the last month maybe in the last year where you feel you've experienced anger now it doesn't have to be huge sometimes we think of anger as being this big you know out out lash like this amplification expression but it could just be something that you do that's that's slightly different so I want you to think about how you express anger we all express anger differently and therefore usually our understanding of anger or when we feel other people are angry is when they behave as we do when we're angry we almost assume that that's how people express anger so what I wanted to talk to you about today is that there are six key anger types or anger styles right it's almost like a personality type but there are anger styles and each of them have a unique internal dialogue a unique internal conversation that you'll have with yourself and they all have their own consequential damage that they caused in our relationships and damage to ourselves and finally methods to turn it around they're all different you can't apply the same method how many of you have ever heard advice to your life as being calm down right just calm down right and in my opinion never in the history of being told to calm down has anyone ever calmed down right that's just never happened no one does that no one calms down when you tell them to some people may do so notice that even the antidote or the cure to anger is different for different people hence when you want someone to just switch off and snap out of it they can't even if you do hence when you tell people to count to ten or count back to from a hundred they can't do it because they don't function like that we all function differently with anger hence even if you're advising even if you're guiding people the first thing we have to acknowledge is that everyone experiences and expresses anger differently let's start with anger style number one anger style number one is what I like to call explosive right it sounds like a good song but it's not explosive it's it may take a lot to push you over the edge so it takes you time to be pushed over the edge but when you get there the earth shakes and people run for cover right you know who you are if you know I'm talking about you now why do we do that I've always been interested since I studied behavioural science I've always been interested in why we do what we do so a question I asked is that I was wondered I study at university I studied behavioral science as a focus topic so why do we do what we do the truth is the reason why for those who have an explosive anger style the reason why we do that is we've never been taught to properly deal with irritation so we talk a lot today in this world about tolerance and tolerance almost feels like you're trying to squash all your anger into a box constantly like you're trying to get this and squeeze it in and you can't quite shut it if you travel a lot like me it's like trying to shut a suitcase and the suitcase just won't fit and you're trying to pull the zip around and it's gonna squash the zip together so that you can pull it through but it doesn't quite work when we're not taught to be tolerant in the right way when we're not taught to deal with regular irritation what happens is that we absorb or swallow pain or anger as much as we can until we can't anymore this is the most common form of anger we're constantly trying to suppress we're constantly trying to squeeze constantly trying to push it away but at one point it all has to come out and it explodes erupts like a volcano hence the term explosive so whether you are type 1 or you experience type 1 here what happened the result is that you over amplify the issue that you argue about because you've boxed it in for so long you've kept in all these little irritations so tolerance is not about just keeping in irritation tolerance is about acceptance and letting it go but the problem today is our tolerance our version of tolerance is almost just capturing and keeping hold and absorbing and swallowing all of this until we have to take it out so the way to do this now how to turn this around the amazing thing is when you look at neuroscience right and this is what I love I'm trying to share with you evidence back science things that are propelled by how science talks them and I hope you're going to press share right now so we can get lots more people thinking about anger the neurology core a neurological anger response believe it or not lasts no more than two seconds right when you experience anger in terms of neurology in terms of your brain it's only a release a chemical release of two seconds right so it actually takes more now if you knew that welcome to you if you didn't know that I mean tell me it tell me I mean that shocked me when I read that statistic I was like wow numerologically we only experience anger for two seconds which means it takes commitment to carry on being angry how many of you have ever felt angry for two or three seconds but for actually you know what I'm gonna play on this for a bit longer so that the person realizes how angry I am how many of you have almost acted anger right we will become method actors where we pretend to be angry or amplify our anger just so that people realize how angry we are so it takes commitment to stay angry meditation is awesome deep breathing is awesome taking moments now but the one thing I wanted to talk about how to really deal with exclusive explosive anger at the root explosive anger comes because we're constantly suppressing little things that annoy us because we think that we can just let them go and we think that if we bring up these little things someone's going to get really annoyed us how many of you worry that if you brought up these little things that are annoying you it will really annoy your partner or your colleague or whatever it is so one of the best ways to do this is actually to write it down when we write things down we have to articulate things better if you imagine if you had to send a tweet 140 characters the amount of energy that goes into articulating 140 characters takes much more effort than articulating a thousand four hundred words so what I'd like you to do is when you're feeling that moments of tolerance being tested or those agitation or that frustration it's writing it down and articulating it in 140 characters about how you actually feel and then kind of analyzing that statement and trying to get all of your feelings out on paper where you're almost reconciling how you feel without having to share with that person so our biggest fear with explosive anger is that we don't want to annoy someone we don't want to ruin our relationship but the problem is when you keep in your mind you stop yourself from weak ensiling so you're already suppressing and boxing in your mind why not open up and reconcile on paper writing it down and what you'll notice is that you'll be able to write it down explain it and express it in a way that allows you to deal with it rather than squashing into the box so that is style one so guys number two let's go to anger style number two anger style number two is self abuse how many of you know and I'm not doing about physical self abuse I'm talking about the way we do it verbally so it's my fault I'm a bad dad I'm a bad brother I'm a bad boyfriend I'm a bad girlfriend I'm a bad mom I'm a bad wife you know it's my fault I'm taking responsibility and you have two extremes of this one extreme is people are like it's all your fault and how many of you know someone like that right raise your hand put your wet your hand up if you know someone like that press the like button press the lock button when when the person just is constantly blaming someone else and how many of you feel that actually you just taking the blame no matter what happens you just see I'm just going to take the blame from this it's my fault right I'm going to take the blame for this we're talking about that side and this is known as the anger style of self abuse we believe it's safer and easier why do we do it why do we experience that we believe it's safer and easier to be mad at ourselves right and continue disappointments right that's what we feel we feel that it's easier and safer to be mad at ourselves because maybe at one point in our life when we express that toward someone else they said no it's your fault and we started to believe that how do we overcome number two the way we turn around number two is going back to the root again I'm not giving you the symptoms I'm not giving you the cures for the symptoms and trying to go back to the root one of the reasons for that is our self-esteem we always blame it on other people or blame it on ourselves because we want to take all the responsibility without recognizing real self responsibility or we want to just throw the responsibility the first question to ask yourself is if I was looking at this from an objective point of view imagine this wasn't about me imagine this was someone else in a situation how would I divide that responsibility right how would I actually categorize that responsibility would I give this person more responsibility would I give them more responsibility taking yourself outside the equation allows you to stop seeing things through your lens as your problem as your challenge and I I truly recommend this becoming an observer in your life is such a powerful way of actually dealing with this going deeper in our understanding of anger allows us to tailor the solution better so I asked you first of all to look at it from an objective point of view think about how you would assess responsibility of that challenge rather than taking out the anger on yourself check that with someone who is more objective in the situation with a mentor a guide a teacher a person whatever it may be and then go back and talk to someone by accepting certain responsibly actually being on that end where you accept responsibility is a great place to start because you're accepting that you are too involved in the challenge being cause when you only think it's the other person that's danger zone right that's trouble zone so actually being able to assess and ascribe responsibility to you and the other person is a great great great place to start and get star number three that you've just touched on is avoidance see what it looks like I'm fine everything's fine I don't want to talk about it with a person I don't like confrontation I'm worried I'll lose my reputation or any connection that we even had and maybe you haven't approached them about it it's really important in that situation to encourage resolution the way to turn it around is challenge your core beliefs step outside yourself and embrace a healthy conversation or discussion with them maybe you have a mediator maybe ever mediation between them with someone who's objective and can see it from both sides you want someone who can facilitate a conversation that stops you from avoiding it because of your fears but allows you to deal with it in the right way without causing a challenge for yourself ultimately any experience we have we're having a conversation with ourselves right when we're feeling angry we're saying to ourselves that person did me wrong you know they're not loyal I can't trust them we're having a conversation with ourselves and then we go and have that conversation with a friend and then they talk to us in the same way we need to have the right conversation with ourselves that says to us wait a minute let's look at the facts wait a minute let's take a look at this first wait a minute do we have all the information how many times have you ever been angry at someone and then realized it wasn't even their fault I'll be honest pretty handle I have I've kind of responded to someone go why why do you want to do that why are you acting like that and then realize that actually they sent the wrong message or they put it in the wrong group or whatever it was so it's about switching from being controlled by anger to controlling anger itself and often what we find is that anger is controlling our conversation with ourselves as opposed to us engaging and controlling that conversation with anger how many of you know someone who experiences or expresses anger through sarcasm right now what does it look like they'll say things like it's okay that you're like you're late I had time to read the whole menu right if you're late to a restaurant or they'll say oh yeah it's okay it's okay that we just spend money on that you know you know money grows on trees we've got money hanging around that you know they try and make sarcastic comments that hides their wor anger but you get the point right there insinuating something now why do we do that we do that because we're raised believing it's not okay to confront someone it's rude to kind of have that confrontation to tell someone you have an issue so you make it into a joke using a jokes an easier way of getting the message across actually it's the most unnerving way have you ever been on the receiving end of this I have been on the receiving end of this I've also been on the sharing end of this whenever I feel that way I always just feel like why doesn't this person just tell me like I'm not stupid like I get the point and actually becomes harder to talk about it from that person's point of view as well it damages relationships and funnily enough sarcasm I was doing some research sarcasm comes from the Greek word Sark Eisen which actually means this this is I mean this is crazy right this is what it actually means right tearing flesh like dogs well that's crazy crazy definition from sarcasm but that's what it feels like it's like you're tearing it tearing the person apart without letting them know that you're tearing that's the way to turn it around is have those conversations that are straight that affirm that are assertive where you actually get to articulate things well so the articulation is such an important skill and important thing we need to do because just learning to articulate how we feel can actually channel things a lot better when we choose the right words it's really important that we learn to articulate and package that anger as well or the way we explain to people if someone just comes and goes that was terrible that necessarily isn't constructive being told that you're not good at something isn't constructive being told you have a floor isn't constructive you've got to think how you would want to receive that feedback and then try and tailor it towards that person a good technique is always to start with something that's positive that the person did do well then sharing something they could improve on and then again ending on a positive it's important to have that balance see noticing what's wrong with someone a flaw is not difficult at all it takes much greater intelligence to find harmony to see what someone's doing well if you can do that people will trust you a lot more when you actually share how they can improve it's not a technique it's more manipulation it's genuine train your mind to see the good in others and then when you do see something else they'll feel it feel that you believe in them that you invest in them that you want them to grow it's a number five we haven't got there number five we've got six I've got a few more moments to do all six of them number five is passive-aggressive Express how you feel through something else so it's kind of like a lot of domestic arguments are based on this people express their anger through the fact that someone hasn't washed the dishes right someone hasn't cleaned up someone hasn't forgot to bring the milk home whatever it is we're expressing how we really feel about something else through something else looking about how we really feel but through a different medium and that again totally confuses the person because the person's wondering is it is this an issue is this anderson issue or is this an issue this they're just lost they're trying to figure it out so again one of the reasons why we aren't able to create a mediation or create good relationships again with people we struggle with angle with is because we're creating so much confusion around the situation so you have to speak up before you get bitter you have to speak up about what it actually is in clarity before you start talking about something else and using something as the vessel of communicating using some one thing else as the vehicle to get the point across so before the vehicle was sarcasm this time the vehicle is a criticism of someone's daily rituals or daily practices or daily schedules or daily rotors of how they live their life and that again is hard to swallow and hard to stomach because they may not be able to so I use someone who does that we do that because we dislike confrontation again disliking confrontation is one of the reasons why we suppress and absorb and swallow an anger a lot and what I'm not encouraging here is that you just go up to the person you've been angry at for years and just lash it out on all of them but what I do recommend is writing it down to reconcile writing an internal dialogue to deal with it and thirdly taking part in a facilitated conversation with them or in an open articulated well-thought-out conversation with them that can help you grow I genuinely believe that the stuff that I'm sharing with you is stuff that I've taken on for a long time to use myself as well because these are all emotions we express in different ways remember anger can be expressed in different ways as well but I truly believe that the insights and techniques and methods I'm sharing today are for you and really these are methods of internal cleansing and internal purification these aren't just ideas and little tips and tricks these are actually cleansing methods purification methods anger is something that we need to purify from within ourselves and suppressing it or not confronting it is only going to lead to more challenges right so definitely a good thing to think about number six is habitual irritation it's actually when little things add up and you just lash out on all of them little thing little thing little thing little thing we all know someone like this right and we've all experienced this problem from our families you haven't cleaned up you haven't done this your rooms a mess except these are common things and that's a way that people express their anger ultimately anger comes from place generally of lack of security stability or internal dissatisfaction and that's where a lot of the topics we talk about solve the problem like finding your purpose finding your passions being around people who motivate you then inspire you that you like these things actually take care of anger more than we believe and that's why the positive affirmations the positive changes in our life the additional things we can do like finding a purpose finding a passion finding people that motivate us that drive us that actually takes care of the dissatisfaction in a proactive way which means we don't have to reactively take care of anger it's phenomenal what you can achieve when you do it a way to confront ty6 is to actually change the stories we tell ourselves habitually rotation is because we feel that everything is an issue and everything is causing problems and we amplify this situation we have to change the story we tell ourselves we have to start teaching ourselves to find our passions find our purpose find people that motivate us that stops us from becoming irritated at every little thing whether it's whether it's the bus driver it's the subway whatever it is all those little things that annoy us on a daily basis when you feel connected to something much more meaningful and important all these things fade into insignificance and that's truly what I've experienced in my life as well the more you get connected to the things that are meaning that a purpose that really guide and steer your life you're really able to disconnect from the insignificance of other things and our ambitions make us align with that in significance as well ambitions do that a by first of all making us feel that they're quite high to reach and second of all having reached them we then find there's a much bigger mountain to climb so that's definitely something I recommend and there's three ways of changing the stories we tell ourselves about anger three ways of creating an internal dialogue I really recommend winding this word down internal dialogue writing an internal dialogue for every challenge every situation you have in your life preempt predict the way you usually feel angry just observe how you usually let out and create a dialogue with yourself that you would like to have in a moment of pressure and what you would like to hear in that moment of pressure the first way is visual changing your thoughts changing things visually by having new visuals verbally changing the stories yourself changing your language even changing the way you articulate things we spoke about that a lot and kinesthetic changing your physicality when you're experiencing anger changing the way your body is again breathing meditation is powerful for that physical and mental change anger clouds judgment you know it is like holding a drinking poison expecting the other person to die it's like holding a hot piece of coal wanting to chuck at someone but burning ourselves just remembering that holding on to anger is not great for us allows us to start wanting to find remedies and wanting to find the cure so it's really important to remember that anger will cloud our judgment and our lens of interpretation take it down the wrong way so definitely things to consider guys it's been great talking today those are the six anger styles explosive self abuse avoidance sarcasm passive-aggressive and habitual irritation I talked about the why questions for each why do we do explosive because if you've never been taught to deal with irritation you absorb until you can't suppress it anymore why do we do self abuse because we believe that it's ultimately our fault because no one else has taken responsibility why do we avoid it because we don't want to lose our reputation why do we use sarcasm because we believe it's not okay to be openly rude why do we use passive-aggressive because we believe that we dislike confrontation and why do we use habitual rotation because we're dissatisfied by something else that we're experiencing I hope you found the answers to some of your questions try these out building internal dialogue use visual verbal and kinesthetic changes definitely involve meditation into your daily practice for this as well and you'll definitely monitor and manage anger better remember it's not about eliminating it it's about reducing it monitoring and managing it better don't try to eliminate something try and just observe better with self-awareness

Channel: HuffPost

Views: 517,059

Keywords: huffington post, jay shetty, jay shetty huffington post, jay shetty failure, jay shetty happiness, motivation, jay shetty interview, inspiration, inspiring, anger, anger management, anger issues

Id: quw62_xVEj8

Length: 22min 26sec (1346 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 06 2016