Jay Leno Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1984-1986

my first guest tonight will be appearing this whole week at Zanies in Nashville and at the Hampton Beach casino in New Hampshire August 20th and 21st it's a pleasure to welcome Jay Leno you know it's really true today but only 1% of the teenagers are bad I think these are the good kids those are the kids you don't read them all I think that's it nice to see you yeah I just came in from California yeah you live in Los Angeles you have a good trip in I did I did you see that Nancy Reagan was in Beverly Hills last month I read about that not as where she was given the humanitarian of the Year award yeah I'm glad she beat out that conniving little snip mother Theresa it's good to see the right people looks like we may have a woman vice president pretty exciting yeah you know I'm amazed at the way the media is handling this you know I mean they keep harping on the woman issue like it makes a difference you know I mean you know ABC is gonna do some kind of movie of the week out of this thing sure she was vice president but she was still a woman [Laughter] you know like I read a thing in USA today they didn't have you ever read USA Today sure I see it this year it's like America's good it's like a magazine you know I always feel like they should I think they should have like a thinking do page on the back of it a survey and they were asking people if they thought that time was right for a woman vice president I mean like it makes any difference I mean what do they think is gonna happen huh if she gets elected they think training goes a gigolo is gonna show up at the White House candy flowers you know you're Vicki beautiful night like she's gotta go really I guess I can show you some of the missiles I guess [Laughter] Oh so how was your flight you got a get fly mine's like do you like to fly I don't mind but five and I always get stuck in that middle seat you know I don't get stuck between the screaming baby with diarrhea I mean octogenarian with halitosis you know we we don't like the three ages of man winging through space the worst the worst movie Nadia you seen this movie Nadia people are walking out that's how bad the historian Nadia Comaneci how old is that joke people were walking out at all pretty no [Applause] better late than never yeah I don't think they wrap wax fruit story Nadia Comaneci this one Iranian gymnast Oh perfect ten right I want to watch a thirty thousand feet some commie on the side horse yeah I fell asleep last night and I wanted to sip has I had money on this it was the women's air rifle company oh I like the Olympic Village yeah I like the concept big village I mean Switzerland Germany your idea of a village is something you call a community up in the Alps these guys come to la village doing a 500 unit condo out in the valley the surrounded by SWAT police two hookers live upstairs van Halen blaring out of the speakers 24 hours a day refrigerator stocked with all those Olympic goodies Wonder Bread sneakers [Applause] kind of gooey sticky carcinogenic known to man these guys don't want any more treats I want to go home you know there was a part of the part of the Olympians are staying all over the city and there was one group staying at a residence at the University of Santa Barbara in Santa Barbara and a security guard was walking up and down the halls this was in the LA Times out there and he noticed an odd smell so he asked if he could come into the room and these these students from another not students but athletes from another country let the man in and they had a bocce going snakes hooking up a little old is that story [Applause] okay we're we're gonna pause here we'll be right back with Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] good you know I don't mind being late if it's good yeah no you don't mind the 15 minutes if they let it ripen just nothing what are we talking about Phillip movie yet Oh Cannonball Run 2 I haven't seen that this makes stroker ace look like Citizen Kane this movie I saw Star Trek 3 I see that no I saw to be a fan you're a fan of those I don't know you don't know I don't want you to commit to anything controversial just there are tricks to watching Star Trek you know I mean if you're watching the show and in the first five minutes you see a crew member you don't recognize you know they're dead by the next commercial Scotty a scotch guy Scotty's guys got two lines in every movie says the same thing every day I can't watch it your regular you realize Scotty is the other guy never gets any women on the show you know he's like horse on bonanza guy is something Romulan fever Klingon crabs you know something it's some bizarre galactic venereal disease that's why the guy so hyper imagine Scotty alone with someone I can't do it go the best thing about it whenever you watch a Star Trek to make you believe whatever inane premise they're selling they all give you two known premises to make you buy their stupid made-up premise like Kirk will all say something like I realize this crew is familiar with the writings of Plato Socrates of course creaminess from Rigel 7 [Applause] he was dr. McCoy what an irritable guy is fired what a hostile man to take on a five-year mission I mean Jim was a something like a bone did you hand me that can of ginger what is it DeForest Kelley DeForest Kelley DeForest no wonder this guy is irritable long time it's bad enough your fans named you forest right here Gant are you gonna get beat up every day but duck far as we have rule kids on you have a funny name a defier you want to come with us we go down to the store I notice I noticed you go to the fruit so that must be time to segue onto something else you'd like to speak you may go ahead all right thank you very much now I first of all just let me say that the next time you're on the show you're gonna have to do a little Elvis next time we will do the Elvis show just a little Elvis I don't want you next time wait a minute don't let them talk you into something you don't want to do you know I'm not that kind of guy with that [Applause] [Music] okay now in Jays defense it's something worth seeing and everybody here tonight will be contacted by a special courier I'm sorry to do that to you cookie snakes again now what do you been doing while you're on the road you watch a lot of television a big TV season coming up Norman Lea's got another one his heart he's very socially relevant programs coming up it's just not bad it's about a Cuban family that emigrates to Miami aka Scarface have you know anything about that one i watch the other night Knight Rider the show that makes the Dukes it has it look like the Encyclopedia Britannica's you see the one this is the one I saw was the one where Michael Knight was forced to do battle with his evil twin I know it was his real twin too because this guy couldn't act either a problem in America evil twins I mean if anybody ever gone to work father you've been fine because yesterday after you left your evil twin came in and screwed up all the work oh so now J it's come time for what's your beef my baby's driving you crazy I'm walking around this city I see David's cookies I see Steve's ice cream I see Bobby's muffins remember when we used to make steel in this country with arms like beer barrels pound and steel make an aeroplane and pound and steel making cars now they stand around going you want crushed walnuts [Laughter] any coffee achievers here tonight to those dreams coffee at you they show rock musicians drinking coffee come on to rock musicians coffee is merely a sedative at this [Music] you know that seems to be the big thing now they have corporate spokesman like you've got Cliff Robertson for AT&T and it'll Cosby for Gemma now those ones a pretty good they some of them do not lend themselves I keep seeing this one here's Martha Raye actress denture wearing this is what she considers her two greatest achievement it's Carl Sagan astronomer philosopher hemorrhoid sufferer the other night for am i pronouncing this right Paco Rabanne men's cologne and it's so stupid they show that they show this rather swarthy looking Mediterranean guy lying in bed and he's talking on the phone with the woman who's obviously spent the night there you know he's saying well do you know you're still under covers and they giggle in their way and then the camera pulls back and you see the guys apartment he's got a lot of hanging plants and a skylight there he's got a fire going on a brick fireplace I'm watching this I'm saying myself this is obviously some woman's idea of what a single man's apartment is supposed to look like because the apartment is dirty and the way women think of stuff is being dirt like the most women I think dirty is a shirt not hung up see to most men kind of clean his piles of rotting underwear a piece of French bread that's been lying on the counter so long the faux mica has grown over it all right let's check the Jay Leno itinerary and see where he'll be going next as you know I'll be on my Nashville right now right as we're speaking yeah that's right beginning the 16th is it then I go to Laura Branigan I'm gonna be with up in New Hampshire up in New Hampshire that'll be at these funny pages in Louisville or Louisville as you say it's Louisville it's not you know you have a severe diphthong no anyway if you have a chance to see mr. Leno certainly don't pass it up Jay nice to see you nice to see you thank you very much you know maybe a little later we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you okay we have a we have a good show Jay Leno was a very very funny young man and he will be out here in just a second as soon as I introduce him he is my first guest he is a good friend of President Reagan also a very talented comedian he will be appearing this weekend at the Carlton backstage in Minneapolis please welcome Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yeah we have your magazine or do you want to take a minute to clarify this good friend of President Reagan was the last time I was on this show President Reagan had seen the show and one of his staff called me to ask me about a joke now if I took time out every time a head of state called me really you really call no he didn't call so at this late does he not when you're on but when I'm a guest occasionally he does thing he says I don't get a chance that often but when you're on there okay well that's nice you have I have a copy here of something called writer that's right writer magazine this is a motorcycle enthusiasts publication interview with me all right let's see picture of Jay right on the inside there nice nice drawing nice story I guess I happen to see you in Playboy magazine you know what's so funny you know it's so funny while we're talking about magazines you know the people from Playboy called me and they asked me to do in any of you for Playboy and rather than do my interview and Playboy I did mine and women are our equals magazine who's on the cover there brothers let's see this geraldine ferraro then there's a story on here in Margaret Mead here's a view with Gloria Steinem now let's see who's in your magazine Muffy Muffy Oh Muffy doesn't like guys who are turn-off Muffy's favorite movies are Bambi and the l-shaped room I picked up this copy of Playboy to read your interview yeah and I realized at age 34 it's nothing I'm too old for Playboy it's just a Playboy is written for guys 18 to 25 I think once most guys hit 30 you tend to see through the Trix playboy uses to keep men interested in the magazine like in the front of Playboy now they have this thing where they have pictures of four or five playmates and they ask each play man a question and of course each woman answers in her own words like last month's question was what kind of men do you like now he had these incredibly attractive women could well and anybody they want and the author gives some Playboy answer like well I like dumb guys with no money [Laughter] [Music] 18 year old locked in the latrine of the USS Kitty Hawk in the middle of Mediterranean going through the wall with her [Music] crayon on paper man how about the penthouse letters you've read those occasionally yeah how do you think the penthouse letters are real no I don't think they might need offense letters are in there you go see the penthouse letters are based on the assumption that any woman whose car breaks down on a deserted Highway in the middle of the night is looking to have sex and if you buy that if you buy that then the truck driver who stops to help it with a can of ready-whip this makes perfect I like the penthouse letters that are written by women cuz you know they're not written by women you know some dark brain guy wrote this letter you know your typical penthouse or something like your penthouse I'm an attractive woman and then she gives her measurements as most women do when writing a letter and should you have pouting breasts or supple buttocks you want to put that in the letter as well so so people know a little bit more about you they state the fantasy so matter-of-factly you know it's always like again from an alleged woman it's always dear Penthouse I'm an attractive woman who was an avid feminist and president of my local er a chapter recently my boss asked me to get him coffee when I refused he took me over his knee and gave me a sound spanking needless to say I became his love slave [Laughter] Plus be experiences been through this kind of we have an office full of love slaves of the Pharisee let me just ask you about it just one little thing here in the urban let's see if some things are talking about being on the road Leno says in every week sometimes every day I'm in a different city but in each city I always manage to meet a new group of motorcycle people hang around bike shops bike shops motorcycle people are those are these outlaws we all can't have friends at Studio 54 in this never even driven by the place these people what you call my America what I usually do is go to whatever European bike shop is in town are there a lot of European European bike shops in town ah that sell beamers what does a Beemer that would be a BMW a Beemer that's cute a moto Guzzi did I pronounce that correctly that's moto Guzzi yeah wouldn't know what kind of a bike is it huh it's an Italian but it's gonna tell you what does it sound like Italian are these expensive fast bike yes expensive do you own one of each of these I don't know any of those no I don't mean the kind of money you do are they working come and do caddies and Ducatis I have one of those you have a new caddy tell me is it it nice bike nice bike why don't you come for a ride with me no I'm not gonna do that Jay commercial no no we have to do a commercial see you wasted time with this this is the kind of thing people want to know like that Beemer deal that's cute we'll pause here for a commercial we'll be right back with our old friend Jay [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay we're back with Jay Leno better known as the Beemer now Jay last time you're on I said when are you gonna favor us with your Elvis impression we did a film we did a film this is part of a kind of a showtime cable thing the name of the film is Viva Late Night Fever lately in the film I play a young Elvis character by the name of Billy Tupelo who moves from a small rural southern town to a big rural southern town to try to raise enough money to help his daddy's farm now we have a clip from the film this you've actually completed yeah this will be all over the country this will be opening it's called Viva late night and I'm not sure what the clip is you know I do so many shows with these things can we run the clip I think let's just one of the Clippers you seen where Elvis tries to get a job in a popular this is going to be good [Music] Hey [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] I owe you an apology when you started talking about that I thought for sure it was gonna be something stupid nice job thank you very much that cost a lot of money didn't it oh yeah well you know when you have an unlimited budget and you're working with people like Spielberg it makes it a lot easier this week we work with cord Keller very popular young really made me always try remember the last time I was on this program you travel with your TV Guide thank you David do you remember the land are you in a hurry no try to come in you see don't keep the pace going I know I know do you remember the last time I done the program I talked about Knight Rider and the fact that they had an evil twin on the show that's right Simon and Simon and they had their evil twin tomorrow night this is this week's TV Guide this is tomorrow night magnum p.i premiere read this place just renamed mpi Magnum in love a beautiful woman and her evil twin anyone ever use this as an excuse huh honey that wasn't me shacking up with that girl that was my evil twin punch him in the nose it doesn't come up much now you're already sort of worked up you want to get right to your beef yeah I got some beefs you know these subliminal ads that they see now you see this one they for some kind of brand flake then I'm talking about they show this generic looking yuppie couple walking through the market no husband says there's nothing different here and then the wife gets like this Reverend moon look on her face no suddenly they're being followed by this monolithic box of bran flakes you hear that undercurrent of satanic music and then when they use fear like these American Express heads he's a very embarrassing they show these noodle brain Americans traveling around the world constantly annoying people from other lands and then suddenly these toad heads lose their travellish for some odd reason they never seem to lose their checks at any reasonably civilized country you know they're always stranded on the Iranian border slave traders are touching this guy's wife if I had those checks I could buy her back right now we have just enough time I believe for you to tell us where you're gonna be now tomorrow night I'll be in Illinois at Lake Forest College mhm and then I go to Minneapolis as you said what are you doing in Minneapolis the Carleton backstage that's a good I like Minneapolis is a fine City you know we didn't really happen bouncing happened to me there what happened this is absolutely true I went into this bookstore that was also a dirty bookstore so I was buying another writer let me explain real quick I'm standing I said well let me go look at a copy of wrestling mud magazine whatever it is I'm stand there behind me Ed Bradley from 60 minutes was filming in that bookstore the back of my jacket put that in your resume in appearance on 60 minutes oh yeah the next weekend we go to Rascals and then the comedy works where you saw that ad where my name comedy works is we're in Philly in Philly well if you're near any of these places you're uh you're silly if you don't make an effort to go CJ very nice to see [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] okay let's get our first guest out here he is an international comedy sensation he will be appearing this Sunday in Montreal Canada at the club soda please welcome Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] a couple of swells coming through Chicago there that entrance almost took longer than given away the writing more [Laughter] now that's a that's a pretty impressive piece of is that a Japanese bicycle motorcycle Japanese yea japanese make single track vehicles harley-davidson makes motorcycles car from a block of solid steel she is men with arms like beer barrels pounding off Justin's a manhole Japanese plastic on that baby no good a gift no whatever I come on this show you always make fun of the guys I ride with the weight matters uh-huh so the guy said gee mr. Letterman when I mean come on mister let him always makes fun of us he teases us about your motorcycle buddies yeah so they well I got you a little something I asked me to give it to you I'll open it later no I think you'll enjoy it I I promised the guys you'd look at it on the air well you did well it's a lovely see it's a necklace uh-huh but it's made out of human teeth each one of my biker friend see each guy gave a tooth I thought that was nice really very nice hey what do that former know that was a nice touch did you you you wrote all the way from LA is this true you didn't write all the way you're finally Mike could you come by yourself well I well son I've I brought that in to go for the big bike show this weekend oh the big bank show how did you vote you got you gotta go aren't you I saw Colosseum I'll be there big motorcycle plus I brought copy of TV Guide as I always do bikers carry TV Guide what we do carry TV down you know that this is the most widely read magazine in America when did this happen I think I'm having the same day ketchup became a vegetable and I'm about two weeks ago this is the Christmas issue when I brought this for a reason because Christmas is the time of year when all the Hollywood script writers they put away their evil twin stories they put away their what if Magnum gets amnesia stories and I really write some creative stuff I mean they really do something just think this is the actual TV guys list with me you see I have encircled him family ties a Christmas carol this episode features alex is the Keaton Scrooge whose glimpse in the future reveals how he's lost the spirit of Christmas oh yeah WKRP in Cincinnati a fantasy episode with station staffers portraying the ghost of Christmas past to Carlson Scrooge life persona mm-hmm Odd Couple parody of a Christmas carol finds a dreaming Oscar haunted by the ghost of feel Alice the ghost of a partner past gives Mel the Dickens for firing his waitress why can't they write something original why can't they write something new you know I mean did you like a nice Christmas story like that do you see that awful movie that was out Silent Night deadly night about a Santa Claus that murders people and fact those st. people have got a new movie coming out this uh this Thanksgiving it's called turkey now it's his turn to do the carving you know just terrible it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort does it have you watched many of the new shells I don't know any of the new stuff I don't think so that's a good non-committal answer what's here's one of my favorite this new game show anything from money have you seen that I've seen some of that Fred travel inna the house what they do on this show is they try to find people with severe economic problems and they often the choice between human dignity and small financial games yeah mister got a program Chernenko likes to show the Russian people as examples of what life in America pig jumpin cesspool for $100 [Laughter] lifestyles of the rich and famous that's a piece of work this is like Karl Marx's worst nightmare come true this burger it's like capitalism done berserk dishes see my thing is why do rich people even go on this program I mean all this show is essentially is a video gift catalog for criminals yeah I mean they sit home with their VCR play the tape back vide I want to see share secret wall safe now I'll call you some of the new shows that have a little bit of trouble finders have lost loves and ABC not doing well no I didn't know that gee it's hard to believe it's so realistic and I mean it's amazing you can't get the FBI to set up a hotline for runaway kids in this country but you want to find that girl at puked in your car in college we'll get a squad car right I get a new one on NBC Spencer anybody seen that with Chad Lowe with that name it have you seen them it says here it's The Adventures of a wisecracking teenager huh there's something we don't get enough of a shortage on wisecracking TV yeah not a polite teenager boy is science fiction boy we got here okay listen while you're thumbing through that we get a foster for station identification we'll be right back I guess it'll be just relax [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] roger ebert will be joining us in a few minutes and tomorrow on this program Robert Klein will be here and the Ragan gift shop owner may McLaren and will be joining us also comedian emo Philips have you seen that you know who yeah a little peculiar isn't he strange but funny now you have your TV guy yeah let's have my team you always have your TV Guide you watch plenty of TV well you have to work with people at MIT and genetic engineering away and I enjoyed doing this a lot there are a lot of good shows Matt Houston has a good one huh here you go about a millionaire that does detective work on the side yeah and all I became a millionaire first thing I do is try to nail down some second job roughly one where I could get shot in the face she I don't like these fantasy shows I like your fascist programs your pre-miranda show you know huh just like just like Hawaii Miranda yeah you know book them down oh hey what about my rights wait the constitution 3,000 miles away you're not away slope his parents around to listen not on this bill oh right crap olefin again see I always wonder who writes the synopsis of the shows and sure gives an actual T this is an actual TV listing right that you have HBO movie unmarried woman the story of a divorced woman struggle for respect in equality starring Alan Bates anything else there any other shows yeah we got funny David got all kinds of stuff so you think about watching TV is you do learn things like I did a prison show on sigh did a show at Terminal Island for some criminals shows you what can an agency I'm with and I found criminals in real life do not laugh the way criminals laugh on television you don't know you know either way criminals laugh on television they always laugh in descending order of the head criminal they do this on the a-team on Magnum for example okay Darren the untouchable Untouchables was a big one for this they'd always have that one scene where Frank Nitti would say something like by this time tomorrow Eliot Ness will be dead it's kind of a strange thing that way about new year's resolutions you make any of those no I'm still looking back fondly at the past year David we got some interesting things but one of the most unusual I thought last month Charles Manson was injured you read about this when a fellow inmate threw gasoline on him during a religious argument there's a couple of major theologians for you I wonder what part of the Scriptures they are having trouble with one threw gasoline [Applause] J we're giving down to the portion of the evening where you you tell us what your beefs are my beef what's eating me what's riding me we need only I don't know I see this white a New York merchants I don't I guess they do in other parts of it but it's very prevalent here why do they always feel they have to claim some sort of mental instability to help them sell products this is real big with used cars people stereo salesman we must be nuts we must be crazy our prices are insane no what am I supposed to think hey this guy's mentally [ __ ] let's take advantage of have you bought any of the new time-life books mmm no the great gunfighters World War two the Hitler era this is all part of the new Time Life atrocity series my favorite one is a great gunfighters read about John Wesley Hardin so mean he once shot a man just for snoring I mean is this really responsible journalism on the fire read about John Hinckley jr. a number a so honoree once shot a president yell so he could meet a pretty gal club so is this a real play space is it getting out the club set on Montreal see I guess you work pretty much just in America yeah that's pretty borders mean nothing doing yes this is a fabulous place well I'm sure it is I'm sure that the folks out there know any cents on a dollar thing right yeah it'll be a lot of fun no it's a wonderful place you set this whole thing up hoping they'd give you the bike I do but we don't have to happen don't me in my dressing room I'm gonna be in on my southern swing look at this I'm gonna be in circles laughingstock in Columbus Georgia and then Augusta Georgia your Charleston and then Raleigh that's why I'm the bike apparently you don't want to hear no I do want to hear but where where G work gosh we're awfully late that's the main area well no oh yes have to go we'll be back with roger ebert [Applause] [Music] you [Music] good dog all right stay right there all right it's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest to this program he's appearing all this week in Boston Massachusetts at Nick's comedy stop and will be in concert next Friday at the Park West in Chicago please say hello to comedian Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] baby you're sure David what is the one thing come against huh evil twin is and intellivision how many time now you've heard me I spoke of this before now I'm not making this up this is the grapevine the spicy insider section read that about the new show from the producers of Falcon Crest and Knott's landing just read that part about the two women it's called the Covenant it is about twin sisters one blonde and good the other brunette and bad I'm glad the writers strike is over can you imagine what the a-team would be like without writers and senseless violence here's one on Friday Street hawk have you seen I haven't seen you probably like that good enjoy well this is about a motorcycle that hires a human companion to Filan dialogue between car crashes no I don't like Street on it it's a guy with a little wing wing Honda it's supposed to go 300 miles an hour you know when I Drive my Harley people stop and they go oh gee is that like the bike on Street Hawk no but this is like the Magnum on Dirty Harry get out of you it is annoying now you write a you write a Harley cuz they give you those nice t-shirts you like this t-shirt would you like one of these oh yeah there's one show I find the most embarrassing show was on last Thursday night the People's Choice Awards I don't know who these people are let's find them and take the freedom of choice away from best sitcom they picked The Cosby Show Isabel which is the best sitcom this isn't you know actually The Cosby Show has been great too comedians but because before it Cosby got to show the network's weren't interested in using comedians in sitcoms now that he's a you know that he's proved its successful suddenly they're coming to guys like me like ABC I'm reading for this show for them and in it I play a black middle-aged doctor with my similar it's kind of a skin now there's a story in here on Q ratings thanks a million that well not not specifically I know what they are what the Q rating is is everybody supposedly in Hollywood has a rating based on their recognizability has nothing to do with talent or ability just recognizability so it is and they try to put sitcoms together based on the recognizability of stars people the Americans know from right according to the latest curating survey hit sitcom would star Prince Clara Peller and Bernard Goetz is the wacky neighbor whacking the wackiness when Miami Vice you like that that's kind of interesting yeah yeah you know the guys drive Ferrari to wear designer clothes this one a few instants on television where the police actually earn more money than the cocaine dealers apparently anything else are in the TV can all this not you have any other interests besides watching telly I did the other night I know this is the Yuppie thing to do I thought I would try it I played this Trivial Pursuit game you would play the three later how do you like it well you see no you see that exactly might you see I feel guilty planet because what you have here a bunch of useless facts masquerading as knowledge yeah you know I mean the 80s are really the only time a game like Trivial Pursuit could even be popular I mean you go back 100 years Thomas Edison the guy would sit around in the dark to try to dream up the light bulb George Washington Carver I mean the man was honey getting more crops from one tiny seed now you got this vast pool of college-educated people they sit around a night gone okay what was go Bernie [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] what was his middle name just for future reference what about world affairs anything in politics fancy this well now that I guess the CIA is all upset about this Nicaraguan manual thing you know I mean they want to they're trying to figure out how they got caught it's so easy to see how these guy cutter con have you seen the man you of a whole back page about the author jacket leather patch he's got his foot on case of dynamite of course again now they got this new plane they want to put a qualified teacher into space yeah I'm the Space Shuttle you know we don't have enough qualified teachers on earth it is why we get the qualified teachers here send some of these crummy teachers we'll check out the paperwork's for that we have to take a pause here we'll be right back with Jay Leno [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Joe Joe Joe the the dog during the commercial took the opportunity like many of our guests to atua stale I feel sorry for these animals like oh no this is a great games burgers everything this is a dog food shaped like a burger no what is this supposed to save the dog of the trouble of actually forming the patio set so now where are you where have you been where are you going to what's been I was in Florida recently I was hardly week down there you know it's great they have this do you have a franchise and other shipping but every time you're on you have a bike on you have a shirt on you're making motorcycles it seems like you like one more than others though all right so you're down there for Bike Week they have a guy down there they have a guy they named Big Daddy rat who runs a place called the rat hole oh yeah and every year they have a contest where the elect miss rat hole this is an easy job because what could this woman possibly do to bring shame and dishonor to the title of Miss rattler assassinate the president become an Amway distributor and you went to an Auto Show you tell me rights is that right the other day yeah we went to the New York City Auto Show I was in Atlanta and I had an Auto Show down show down there and they're advertising the radio come to the audio Auto Show and see the Tom Selleck look-alike yeah I mean what what do you say to it Tom Selleck look-alike you know it's like gee you know you look a lot like oh I found a guy like me I sent him down yeah and so what you're still riding with the pagans is that right now I know the rock Dave in your house may not be there tell me about your as always Jay I'm sure you came fully prepared for what's right yeah what's under your skin B personality I'm sorry the spokesman for these products you seen this guy chris Roberts for Vicks I'm not a doctor oh yeah although I play one on TV not a doctor hey pal I seen your show you're not even an actor [Applause] then there's more wonderful folks down there at 7-eleven you seen their a day show the guy giving up driving to work on his way to work as his first hot cup of coffee at 7-eleven ah what a terrific home light this guy you know they have a sign have a nice day come again soon thanks for shopping here someone's got that little sticker put it back thief I mean you walk in they got $10,000 where the camera is watching 20 bucks worth of Twinkies and they always say they always say they care about people give me an idea how much they carry every wonder 7-eleven they have their handicap parking across the street actually this is the best time to go to 7-eleven any time after midnight then it becomes like a Fellini casting call all sorts of trolls and movies wandering through the ice people with no birth records of any kind we always have some sort of a druid there's always that nest of junkies festering in their cookie okay that was shine a light down the cookie five-pound bag of sugar sucked dry in there you'll walk down the aisle and they got contraceptive foam on the same shelf as cheese with [Applause] you want a cracker what are you people abide you know I pick up a product I see whiz on the label I'm gonna read those ingredients for you exactly how much whiz is it [Applause] we'll be in Boston this week next comedy stop yes sir we added we added two extra show shows comedy stop comedy shop stop the writers since they were offline we gotta go Jay I know but they asked me to read this the writers they had some time off they asked me to read you that'd be good and they said Jay I guess you're gonna be the Park West at 29th and then probably Clearwater Florida on the 31st you'll like this place kisses it's both kissing the next day I go to cheek to cheek then next I go to DeKalb Illinois to the Egyptian theater sound like you're an Adagio well nice to see you [Applause] [Music] my first guest tonight though we're terribly happy to have him back on the show as often as he wants to be here is an extremely funny man he can be seen on this network this Monday night circled those TV guides on the bloopers and peppers and practical jokes show you can also see him in person tomorrow night at a place called the chase house in Salem Massachusetts please welcome mr. comedy Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] nice to see you you look terrific now that is a that's a stunning looking outfit now I buy this Miami Vice stuff and everything probably get cancelled it looks good though yeah my TV Guide tonight that's right what happened here today because I've been watching Entertainment Tonight you like that one daily Entertainment Tonight is a little buying program I like Barbara Howell with those hard-hitting celebrity questions huh yeah jag was in the shop being fixed you're forced to drive a rental what's that like the one that annoys me lifestyles of the rich and famous the first year it was okay they had rich people you know they had Hefner and Getty and and famous people was it the third year there are not that many famous people around anymore last week there at the home of Marshall Thompson huh don't know him who you all remember is the doctor on ducked Ari I've been in his own way he was interesting yeah well now what what do you like on TV I know you always come on and complain about things or they show some play anything you like on TV big fan of the news in fact over two nights ago I was watching that guy fan of the news is that what she says I enjoy the news yeah I was watching straight on a fishing trip you know the guy with a portable William Schrader yeah the polar is this is the most unbelievable thing I mean this portable heart machine is this unbelievable and of course the Japanese right on top of the situation on you seen that they just come out with a new Sony heart man about these portable heart machines if they run on batteries yet no one has come up with any new technology on how to change batteries you know any time you got anything with batteries you got that plastic door at the four springs you gotta line those batteries up just right you know you're wearing one of these portable heart machines I figure you got maybe a good 10 seconds if you pop that door I'm not better it rolls under the bed [Applause] the Duracell people are gonna have a field day you'll see TV commercials too hard faces ones guys got the Duracell machine oh he's making love goodness oh my I didn't realize you are a fan of the news yes did you write them letters and stuff I know my favorite psychotic I don't write I have a notebook all women are unclean you said you're a big fan of the news you made it sound like you're maybe a little in are you in a club no I don't have a clue [Laughter] so you're going up to Massachusetts your parents are still in the Boston area to stay with my folks you know it's they see my mother thinks because I'm on this program that I have some tenuous connection with show business you know she she's not my mother thinks because I do this show pretty regularly that I know everybody in show business you know I was watching again the news pollution your big fan of music and they had that story on about Elizabeth Taylor remember she's supposed to marry that guy and she brought up New York I'm watching it in LA my mom's in Boston the news isn't over ten minutes my mom calls from Boston Oh what do you know about this thing with Elizabeth Taylor yeah she's on the other line MA she's crying arising you know there's something that happens to moms I don't know what it is I think all moms start out hip or something but oh you know it's like this is true I got in last night I call I'm in New York my mom is in Boston right I called my mom we talked for a little bit you know I says okay mama I'll call you tomorrow night I got to meet some friends I'm gonna have dinner at eight o'clock she goes what time is it I said it's 8 o'clock in Boston she says well here it's 3 minutes date I guess with the time difference I met your mom she was very nice my mom a long time ago yeah I have the old see that's a nice thing about the East here you get the old ethnic round pepperidge farm mom you know what I'm saying a mom smoked dope and we're all together mister you've got grandmother's in LA with names like Bambi and muffin now your parents very strict when you were uh yeah they yeah pretty much but who's worse get me mother or father I always had more trouble with mom mom is my other yeah mom you know you do something wrong daddy wants it twice leaving disgust he's so fed up see mom's up come in hit you leave for 10 minutes think about it even matter come back but you know dad's always like to pontificate you know dads love to explain how this one isolated incident will keep you out of college years never get that with your mom just starts hitting you you know it's like what I'm doing know what you didn't even know about your mom you ever used the mom's silent treatment I say this because we have to do a commercial we'll save it and then we'll be back your mom a big fan of the news your folks - well you got a commercial to do Dave [Applause] [Music] I'm mighty good thank you gentlemen now we're back with Jay Leno you'll be able to see Jay on the bloopers and practical jokes program on Monday night John blooper and bill pronto no are you in the bloopers or a practical joke segment okay well I'm has I've been ironed out yet no all be ironed out on Monday what will you be doing I'll be doing some humorous films some things I put together yeah and then they'll air Monday so good fun okay any any word on the news club the news club no but you will be kept informed okay ah now we're done with done with your mom apparently so now you're on the road you know I was in now see I know that then they have these restaurants here I was down south last week big boy restaurants big boy all right the Hamburg comes got a bun it's got the meat in the middle it's got the bun on the top on the top bun it's got a pickle with a toothpick through it on top of the button I'm gonna say my so they can't even assemble it [Applause] the guy wait how much jack-o'-lantern for the bill you want people not some walking ad for cholesterol people trying to get out of building is too big yeah it's time it's come time once again for what's your beef yeah yeah I didn't get wait get it what's eatin at you what's chewy I've been following this this Reagan trip is this I mean is this for real see a lot of people upset because he's going to the cemetery you never hear from the people and aren't upset you know huh I mean he got a beautiful note note the other day from dr. Mengele did you happen to what does this mean I mean well it does mean when he goes to California now is he gonna be making courtesy calls of the old Manson place is that [Applause] the world album man I guess everybody's bought the album and I'm you know I was looking at all the stars she had you know killing everybody well I don't see I didn't see bi-metal on the oh no no I checked about that you know I was asking around and apparently the Ethiopian government said yo what not that hungry you know [Applause] you've gone too far mr. Leno comedy on the air something you know that I am a motorcyclist right I know this again the motorcycle this is not this is something for real nice bus boys or wow it's people like ruin the image these are them he's a GI Joe dolls now I saw he said these are GI Joe enemy dolls now he's a GI Joe biker dolls let me read you this guy oh here's torch let me read what they say about torch read that torch is an illiterate unrepentant thug whose penchant for sudden and unexpected violence is matched only by his utter depths of stupidity ages 5 and up that's unbelievable I mean well the youth of America is certainly in good hands with this isn't this amazing you seen it comes with some chopper parts you know why don't they make real enemy no these are like you why don't you make the John Mann's Valois Bhopal India executive Danbury Connecticut leaky gas valve go hey give the guy a brief now you see now I did that as a test oh you're testing this is all been part was the last time a group of people went ooh is it good maybe third grade huh third grade the teacher said listen you all being anybody who have unless I found out who throw that who threw that you all stay the crowd goes but you probably haven't done that for 20 years I mean you don't see the president addressing Congress you may have to raise taxes [Music] they they actually did it at the opening of the program they did you see what's next for a jail where am I going yeah what's the hell don't read the list I'm gonna be in Dubuque Iowa on Friday its Loras college welcome back to Loras that's into beer you can get a degree according yes even right you're the king of the college and then next we come back here in New York at governor's Alyssa bring me something from Orange it's an actual institution of higher education yes it is yes not like a beautician school no no no in fact you have to draw the pirate on the matchbook exactly well that could still be Laura I like Tommy and Laura were lovers that kind of deal Loras college Tommy and Laura David Sanborn sitting in gonna talk about Tommy and Laura it was it was the only song I could think of where the girl's name was spelled lor a I have the sheet music that's how I know we done no one okay we're done have a nice trip Jay thanks for being here again any time you want come by we have to pause for station identification you've been enjoying mr. Jay [Applause] [Music] this week's issue of Newsweek magazine calls my first guest the king of the club comics if you'd like to see the king in person he'll be appearing tomorrow night at governor's island comedy club I'm sorry governor's comedy club on Long Island please welcome Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I stab you here as always thank you have a nice summer good summer I just got back from Reno Nevada Reno working up there working up there at Harrah's they just sold the Mustang Ranch you familiar with this furniture one of the legal brothels eighteen million dollars it's great some huge corporation bought it and people are complaining because they feel this is lada just got a legitimate business for a major American corporation to be into it come on he studied the history of American corporations I think prostitution is probably straightest thing these people have been involved with in here hey what would you rather have living next to a pretty girl with a thing on our lip or a couple of rotted out 55-gallon drums of dioxin the amazing thing about it is you think about it is they're selling stock is there man I'm not making this up they're selling stock now I mean how does this work you know you pick up the Wall Street Journal can be ill stocks plummet I've been traveling yeah what do you do for entertainment when you're on the road it's lonely isn't it no it's lonely rembo come on do the genocide how about you well I saw the movie I read the book which wasn't actually a book it was it to page to page pamphlet I got from the John Birch Society just kind of a simple thing Rambo opens fire page to the end you know okay stop no you know what I love I love when foreign countries get very self-righteous about the United States like England now wants to ban Rambo yeah because they feel the movie condones american-style violence yeah what I think Stallone should do is maybe go back and reshoot some of the scenes in a soccer uniform make it a little easier for them I would like you make a pretty good point there pal yeah I think so David somebody made a point on this show see I would like to see stuff on branch out a little bit try to combine films get like rocky 4 meets Rambo you know that's where the guy can just come on literally punch himself to death in this video I kind of watch him in flowed but been traveling around I was in you know I was the other day I was in I went Pittsburgh to LA I never flew Pittsburgh to Los Angeles this was the worst airline flight I I don't wanna say in the name of the airline because I really weren't fair to I'll just give you the initials I don't know I hope is like stepping into the hole as some kind of flying slave ship this no seeds bodies piled on bodies like some sort of celestial funeral pyre there that when their planes crash you only hear about it on cable I mean it is I'm waiting it you know the whole thing the whole thing is like some Fellini nightmare I'm waiting at the terminal there's these pilots lined up they're pumping quarters into that insurance machine the flight attendant nice flight attendant Helga the stomping mare work in this light kind of a lorry up English nothing there kind of a large burly woman she's wearing this Maya death mashes handing out this concoction of gruel and bug juice tea I mean the movie the movie was Eraserhead alright just to give you some idea and the worst parts you ever get stuck on a plane with nothing to read you're forced to read the in-flight magazine or yeah now this is edited by the same people who do highlights which you find your dentist's office that job is to go through the magazine tear on any interesting articles and then throw them away see I always like when the flight attendant makes that announcement feel free to take this complimentary copy home with you yeah that's okay I'm not gonna be wrapping any fish today I think more people steal the puke bag than take this anyway anyway you enjoyed your flight well you know what it is it makes these stops and not a it's not even like regular stops it's so like the pilot can show the plane to his friends you know that time so anyway it's great I get to Atlanta I finally get to Atlanta and I've walked through the airport and if the guy got a booth set up and he's handing out free samples of these new soft cookies you know every company's got some kind of stuff and the guy gives me one I ate it and was until I got on my connecting flight I realize this is unbelievable you know I mean I'm flying all across the United States I landed a strange Airport it's crowded a man I don't even know hands me something and I eat her I mean I didn't even look at it you know this could have been some kind of Shiite cookie bomb we have to do a commercial we'll be back here more with Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] now let me get this straight the pilot would take the plane to show to his French it was an interesting concept eat the cookie no but I told you that already yeah you know but that's the thing when you feel safe you just do things you know it's like I can't walk into your local market there's a TV tray with 30 or 40 gooey cheese balls been sitting there all day they've been under a hot light 18 19 hours in a row you walk by you even get anything any better right right you walk down the Menace in our last pour tylenol in a steel case and a metal thing with safety strips a couple of armed guards a wire see there's something real suspicious about these soft cookies that's you know fresh cookies are soft stale cookies are hard we now live in this era of Technology where these huge corporations are now able to make stale soft cookies because old cookies somebody put soft stuff you think these big companies do you think pastry chefs they're bakers they're business people they see somebody else with a scoffs off cookie well I mean we need one - anybody got any ideas how we come up with a soft cookie see I have an idea boss why don't we use only the finest ingredients and bake them fresh every day Harrington called alchemical see they got a sovereign [ __ ] we can ease up Johnson you call a Metamucil people see what they put in there fresh every day oh you know what they have in LA they have that stupid anyways here four months ago they with the circus yeah how what am i wearing bib overalls and a piece of straw here come on I got a goat with some kind of 2x4 a crazy glued on it poor animal looks like the man in the iron mask being dragged around a ring with this Louisville Slugger stuck in his back well they're gonna have next year the Keebler elves may be alive Klingon prisoner under the plan why did you like the circus I haven't been since I was a boy it's travelling syphilitic sideshow this come on diseased animals and hermaphrodite clowns throwing anthrax spores at the children the diseased clown from the ninth century is it geeks trolls mutants all these inbred circus people they come out from under bridges looking for they bring disease and pestilence into the area I don't like this yeah but the kids love oh yeah I guess if the kids like it so you're you're gonna be on the primetime television that's what I'll be doing you're gonna be mr. blooper no no I'm not mr. blooper of Joseph actually Joseph blooper died no dick is mr. blooper I guess and and it would be as assistant what do they call that mr. bloopers friend I guess mr. goober and you're I'm Junior the little blooper actually we did a good mile beyond a few weeks did garage sales never been in one of these yeah a garage see this an amazing American phenomenon you know it's funny in the wintertime people just put their trash out in the street to be collected summer comes people feel they have to get a lawn chair sitting next to this stuff and see how much they can peddle before they I went to one the other day we had a list them you know go around Los Angeles when estate sale estate sale I drive 45 minutes six copies of Playboy and a garden hose nothing I had a box of TV guides for three bucks why would you buy these in the hopes that maybe all these shows re running the same order you but you know the most amazing thing about garages people sell personal items like I had a set of dentures hmm toothbrush a guy had a spoon one spoon I mean what kind of disgusting personal thing could you do to a spoon it would make you just go oh so maybe if you've been dipping up anthrax spores what's eating at you what's pretty easygoing tonight so I'm you know I always come on and I make fun of things but you know I feel sorry for people that manufacture products because essentially people put directions on products and nobody reads them you know nobody ever reads the red single guys and the worst group for this you ever see a single guy trying to cook a frozen pizza this is unbelievable it says right on the pizza box the best results cook for 10 minutes at 400 degrees those guys look guys they go boom I'll cook it for 1 minute and they've been running this thing on and Reagan's illness you know with the notice when the man is just say the man is sick he's getting better you know all last month I'm trying to eat dinner there's Dan Rather every night with that Proctor can we can see the polyp now we can see the morton dean is screaming in the background they found blood in the school [Laughter] you'll be they'll be not governor I'll be up and then next week I'll be back here in New York at the bottom line for two days Wednesday and Thursday and then Friday up to my hometown I'll be up in boss I'll be in Lynn Massachusetts at the city hall keep up the good work thank you very much thank you very much you [Music] [Applause] [Music] my first some folks don't know you know we might go seven nights a week one day but that's we're talking way down the line my first guest tonight stirred quite a controversy the last time he was here by verbally attacking circus people hopefully is calmed down by now and is appearing in concert on October 19th at the Holiday Star Theatre in Merrillville Indiana police say hello to mr. comedy Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] I want to clear something I'm gonna get some real buddy well the last time I was on the show member we talked about hermaphrodite clowns you talked about out you listened as I spoke I listened to yeah I didn't agree with every age you an accomplished all right and anyway you got a letter about two weeks later you said well David I have got literally hundreds of letters from circus people all around the country on my behalf just look at dear J go get them Bobby distaff lytic Nome [Music] Jay Jay we love you Lucy the Appalachian donkey woman is there's one here from Carl that disembodied faces videos that's not all the sniveling druid there's hundreds of them and rather it would be silly to be into it now again it's only 1% of the circus you get your mail like that in a pouch huh well I guess when you get as much mail as I do I guess that little box you have there is fine for you but gee I guess the hefty man mail pouch now as always you're right on top of things that are going on we haven't seen you in a couple of weeks six weeks no Hinkley is engaged this got an interesting situation I guess she's a convicted murderer right she's true and of course he's only an attempted murderer you know I see I wonder if this can cause problems sometimes when the wife is more successful politically a lot of things happen Lee Iacocca being named as a possible presidential cancer well I find this interesting you know because we go to areas for presidents now you know for a while we go to Hollywood we look for president now we go to big business to find a president I mean God forbid we should look at a college or Institute of higher learning but then again I wonder how big business would handle some of the world problems really I don't think they can do much worse I mean like South Africa I would big business handle list you know maybe they maybe they split it in to South Africa's you have the new South Africa one-man one-vote everybody equal then you're gonna have like South Africa classic and across the French oh boy I guess the Friendship feeling pretty cocky after that Greenpeace thing huh what do you think the next defenseless target will be torpedo The Love Boat maybe huh maybe they'll drop a couple of depth charges on the Titanic break up the last of those place settings down there boy speaking of France you just you were in Europe just got back oh I don't see you in Europe I know you know see no I was the good son I took my parents do your it was before they went once before to me Europe do you like Europe yeah I enjoy see not to me the whole town is like a bad day at Disneyland this place all the money the money all looks like a bad diploma from some second-rate Divinity School somewhere priests on horseback naked women coins with tassels on them tears you know the worst part is the food I I don't like fancy food if it doesn't come in a styrofoam box with a hinge you know I what do we have the first night we have the baked face of leprechaun yeah well you know they do in Europe they use all the parts of the animal we throw away yeah I mean sure you look in that dumpster there's the prime rib there's the Tenderloin they're saving the lungs and the pancreas to make some kind of colon tartare because you know my dad is 74 and a little hearty hearing so France was a lot of fun for him you know the French newspaper you hold it up to the mirror I go dad it's not a trick paper it's frame but you know that the one thing that inland is kind of nice though I think well they speak English as it should be spoken that's that's something we can all aren't you Irish in heritage no no I'm my mother's from Scotland Am I my dad's Italian but going to England you hear the language like they say dustbin instead of garbage can it even like I'm walking through Soho which is I guess like Times Square that kind of an area and they have a lot of prostitutes and things but this is John walking on Street I just hear this woman said to me rub your tummy governor and that sounds so classy doesn't it if I mean as opposed to 42nd Street hey buddy you want a little of this no it's a little nice more genteel our whole entire car Oh knock it till you tried we you know we're gonna do is it gonna do a commercial can you stay yeah it's a little unorthodox [Applause] [Music] [Applause] way back you know we happen to be a part of this little boy Manny Newman Robert Mitchum animating yes you do a lot of shows they don't for you travel to come to see this a classy show any travel a country thank you I do I mean that are you being snide of course I mean it why you DC you know I always do a lot of these am frying eggs cellulite things you know the shows in the morning makeovers a lot of beauty makeover but I did one the other day oh I was on with this pinhead psychologist this guy wrote a book a guy with a book this thick this humbling guy wrote a book called what women really mean when they say no to sex what they mean is no [Music] [Applause] to the guy that'll be noticed they may notice sex with you this is not some Barbara Cartland novel with young Abigail peering coyly behind a folding fan huh it's 1985 you go out to dinner with a woman she's eating she says no I don't want to have sex what's the guy supposed to do knock the meatball out of her mouth climbing on the table back the meatball out of her mouth no what other kind of folks do you meet when you do these shows oh I was well you know I did I do show the other day with what's-his-name Schwarzenegger he's got a new movie Arnold Schwarzenegger come on well sure what else are you gonna say like the title five times mr. universe that's what I love about human beings they're very presumptuous we don't know if there's life on other planets but if there is we know right away we got something I mean you can't be mr. earth that is not enough what all the judges got together the hell are they on the planet this is the guy we're not looking at any more Martian juju batarians should have won a new TV you call the psychologist a pinhead pinhead but you loved Arnold Schwarzenegger god no I like I like this straight-ahead guy I like the money yeah David I've been very busy you and I have done a service really to this country I mean last year we hit him pretty heavy about the evil twins a constant proliferation of evil twin stories Magnum man Houston well this year they've done away with the evil twins thank God and but on dynasty they've replaced the evil twin with something known as the you might want right here on TV guy the scheming look-alike the scheming look-alike no Dean Robert Blake in Helltown he plays a priest who doesn't turn the other cheek he blows it away is the same old cop shows and just keep they just change the lead can now he's a priest like what's this a next weekend TV Gatto when a bishop goes on a murder spree there's only one precept can waste them does he sit down with the archbishop well what diocese are open let's see Blue Ridge Kentucky is very pretty Monterey California right on the ocean that's what we here's one he'll town [Laughter] I saw a show now this shows been on quite a while give me a break that was something that's on right here it was the name of the show I just assumed that was some urgent plea from the producer some we're actually a very fine show what about the equalizer oh yeah no this have you seen this yeah I wonder what happened all that money from the Bernard Goetz Defense Fund you know I tell you you watch these TV shows you watch these movies and you assume the Constitution is essentially this useless rag that the police have to work around to accomplish any mean Dirty Harry movies are like this you know you see the guy commit the crime and then the criminal always gets out on the most absurd liberal constitution no Dirty Harry goes to crawl goes to court he all gets the liberal woman judge with a hair in a bun well inspector Calahan since you chose to come to court in a tie that obviously clashes with your jacket this murder will be forced to go free oh yeah should I read that clothing him in a little more careful econ what about Robert Robert Wagner is back Robert Wyman is back in Lime Street he plays a suave investigator and this one gee you think the public's ready for this kind of career I know the last show we had a blue rolls-royce that's when he has a red one I don't know let's see now tell me you got a beef you want unload before we get to the beef yeah I got a beef I guess it's a real quick what a coincidence yeah these movies I don't these coming-of-age movies that they have sure you know ain't almost fire well not so much that one like the teenager pork Marcius weird son I don't know maybe I led a sheltered childhood is this really represent kids to me I mean when I was in eighth grade I don't remember getting together with the other Boy Scouts in my Scout Troop and buying a hooker you're gonna be let's take care of this you're doing concerts now you know I guess somebody must have put this in my pocket by my one of those Joker's backs tangent well I got a bunch of college these are all 11 states in 11 days I guess you'll be sitting on that Duff for the next delivery Lake Forest tomorrow Elgin the next night Harper the next night there gonna be a bubble of Merrillville Indiana man October 19 like that's a big theater in the round oh yeah it's a big place up be of Nigeria and University of Wisconsin Ponca theater floor take your holiday hello every it will be unbelieving your props and get out of it all right [Applause] [Music] [Music] we got to get going don't we well a bit anyway to make a long story short we're not leaving [Applause] my first guest tonight is one of the hardest-working man in show business he is featured in an interview in the new issue of Playboy magazine right here and he can be seen in person on November 27th at the community centre Theatre in Sacramento please say hello to Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very impressive interview they're implementing I'm Emma now you did the Playboy interview you met a year ago two years ago I know it's when you did it they just I guess had a small black and white picture where I know it's for myself there's a rather large color shot on our large color pictures it will surely show them the picture well I don't the kind of guy to brag I guess they decide who gets the big picture here yeah I suppose that's actually my favourite issue is the December which issue was it well it has all those fabulous Playboy bachelor gift items yeah you know like these you know the three-foot chrome shoehorn made my Swank when I was 19 years old I freshman year in college I sent away I actually sent away 1495 for the playboy electric swizzle stick yeah you know he's saying all the black handle playboy emblem to D size batteries put it a woman's ring cream real impressed with this you know I figured I walk into parties girls would go what's that a playboy swizzle stick [Applause] my and so how you been what else is going on you've been watching the news I've been watching the little probably late tonight because of this pinheads summit look at the the Russians guy they send a guy he looks like somebody hit him with a tomato he's got that red thing our guys got stuff on his nose at least the best French Charles elated Anna finally went home cover a time cover a Newsweek are there any inbred people in our own country we can read [Applause] Hawkins stuff for JCPenney I'm sure this means Kmart and Woolworths are gonna be packed with royalty every low ball store in America is gonna be traveling through Europe trying to find anybody with some tenuous bloodline they can king olaf of sweden they got him out front like i just heard on the radio JCPenney says that the English look don't be all the rage yeah I got a big ears and bad teeth never seen so what else is going on you've been working that yeah all the TV yeah I know you're a big TV Wayne oh well you mentioned earlier they brought back the newlywed game yeah and they brought very successful I guess well there's a reason for this they brought back down and the dating game you see although the literacy rate in this country is low the networks are worried that it's not quite low enough by bringing back shows like the dating game what they hope to do is make genetically inferior people they will reproduce thus ensuring the next generation of contestants [Applause] it's all in a new book it's in a new book called frontiers of science by Bob Eubanks dr. William Shockley and they explain the typical game show contestant you know you've seen them one pupil is usually bigger than the other and it tends to throb rhythmically according to the number of prizes I would've given anything else in the usual stuff you know every time I come on this show I find here's another I don't have to say it is another evil twin episode on sweets well crystal be raped while Blake sleeps with her double I mean I mean if you were being attacked would that be the first thing on your mind you know what I like you know obviously this is sweeps week I mean everybody that's right that's why we're having pig races that's right yes this is the local law this is a local TV guy from LA look at this one marked rank on the nine o'clock news in LA porn video shot mark track marked rank now a couple of pages later his one track again back with more explicit sex video that's on the nine o'clock news and he's got another one here scintillating television with mark tranq takes another look what they do this you ever notice when you watch the news when it's not sweeps week it's always like the life of the American farmer living in a deficit economy soon as it's sweeps week suddenly becomes strip searches at teenage girls Catholic schools are they a phenomenon how about your you uh doing any television you ever saw dishes for bread for a fuchsia you know since moonlighting and scarecrow and mrs. King they've started love these adventure kind of comedy shows oh I read for one for ABC called gag Street gag Street yeah I play a young comic named Johnny gag Street whose parents whose parents were killed by hecklers he vows he vows to use his comedy to fight crime and the hidden powers of Las Vegas and it's got the comedy in the action-adventure and you play Johnny Goudie gag Street the title gags yeah that works out for you again we gotta fingers yeah well good for it well we'll do a commercial here and then we'll be back with our friend Jake [Applause] [Music] [Applause] okay Jay Leno is here and Edward Woodward from the equalizer is here and we have the pig races with a woman from Ohio named Judy herb Kurtzman which i think is a great name fabulous no it's a good name herb Kurtzman well I hope she just didn't change it when she got into pig racing what were you talking about news what's your blue do we know we're talking about for you well audition on television shows they talked about that already but I what do we see coming in on the plane this mo uh James Bond view to a kill oh come on what's Roger Moore 71 now this bag I know they're looking for a younger hipper Bond buddy Epson very close to the men really feel they need a fur line iceberg that's really a secret submarine to going back I'm going back tonight and a Rambo again I start the last I still haven't seen it you haven't seen what I've seen oh my favorite line in the film is when Stallone says or rather Rambo says you know it's funny when you see acting that good you tend to think the character is it's seamless yeah it's wondering Seder is where a Rambo says the mind is the most dangerous weapon that right Rambo way but take a couple of these rocket launches with you walking around with a 22 caliber head they're doing rocky for [Music] Stallone is gonna play a fighter in this one acting instrument to the limit we're not dead you think no I think he performers performers like Stallone like Arnold Schwarzenegger they've they've opened up the acting profession to a lot of people who couldn't get into it before when speech was a major requirement [Applause] now any cave dweller that can wield a tire iron you know are no sports I think it was here about a month ago this very nice guy oh he's a nice guy and he's marrying a lovely woman they saw the Maria Shriver is CBS Morning News yes yeah she's marrying around the Morning News no no she's co-host of the morning YC and they've just fit the marriage and I just between their that's right yesterday's working couples you know we were supposed to go out to eat last night and of course last night I mean last time I was here that's right we didn't work out I know I went out with well what signs though do that noise again what is that hey you know Jerry Seinfeld oh the noise again is that noise signify what that signifies disgust disgust it's ready all right one more time well Seinfeld let me hear it no I'm not gonna do it all right you and Jerry Seinfeld's very funny community very funny comedian but king of the yuppies you know you know it's true you know Jerry he can't I want to go for burgers and fries he takes me to this stupid Japanese themed restaurant yeah you know there's ones where the guys cut the meat for you and cook at your table yeah you feel like a prisoner in some bad World War two film you know how the piece of steak Yankee beat then they bring out the guy with the two knives you ever see this guy I mean he's sitting there he's bouncing my meat off the two air conditioning when I saw a piece of my tenderloin ricochet off the urinal that's it pal so I get a prime table yeah Richards Oh Sabir no I love Richie Rich it is the funniest man shows up on those Shelly winters muumuus yeah very hip very I don't know where he gets this let's see what he wears to mine I heard you bought this black jacket with fringe you'll probably win all right what are we doing here do we have time for oh we don't have time for a what's your beef you get a real quick what you're being somebody ask me what are you doing on the 20 no stop it with these plugs are you just gonna flip something I'm just gonna show you there's gonna be at the academy music okay that's it that's enough Sacramento the 22nd will we'll be back after station identification [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest to this program he can be seen tomorrow night in person at the front row theater in Cleveland Ohio please say hello to the hardest working man in comedy Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] always nice to see oh oh you know these breakfast food companies they jump on the latest fad they jump on my where's the two years ago they had a Cabbage Patch cereal and the mr. T granola bar look at this thing just about the Qaddafi the Barbarian breakfast flakes Gaddafi the barbarian likes yes now here's something again what are we barely two weeks into the new year Hollywood starting the new writers a lot of new scripts new people new music new television shows new movie of the week new movie of the week David read it I can't read it just read it it's true and Jillian's news is that you'll tell that she'll start on a Warner TV movie as twin sisters one evil one good of course kind of a switch huh the evil twin story again yeah that's a sad boy Christmas in LA sitting around the pool opening gifts there's one chestnuts roasting what more chlorine for the poor honey a lot of nice gift got a nice gift do my wife gave me a torque wrench Yeah right nice what do you do with it workroom but you do with a torque wrench Dave well this is a tool that men use if we work on machines Dave how about you what did you get the bill blass facial applicator the Calvin Klein manicure/pedicure very nice Christmas myself my Christmas is always marred by these all those tree people you know those you have them here in New York these people these I can't figure out what nationality are it's some kind of middle-eastern Nordic Italian Swiss you know they sell they sell Christmas trees yeah these fresh trees of course the worst part this is what I love about Christmas I like to wash my car polish it drive it down to the lines so a couple of high school kids can drop a tree to the roof dude ouch those door seals with that cheap hemp get on the freeway with 10,000 other guys who have trees on their cars and show the Russians are looking at just to a satellite looks like some kind of movable forest I've got a secret weapon aside you enjoy the holidays pretty well he ever did go through this holiday depression at all they always hear people whining about holiday depression I guess it's a serious problem it is a problem people say the same thing you know oh we should keep the Christmas spirit year round the Christmas first doesn't even last until the day Christmas is over I mean look at the way you treat the tree member the day you bought the tree all don't tie it too tight to the roof drive slow says you're dumping off plenty of water a little sugar and the base don't make this you can yeah boy the day after those gifts they wrote and get that fire when do you take yours down New Year's Day join that's right New Year's Day assembly tradition Oh yours a we take it down while we watch the parade make it right down right my mother and we take the tree down yeah it's a tradition at our house didn't Burley watch the parade take down the tree yeah yeah I'm just trying to pad my card here look you want to make it clear but we were New Year's Day my mother and brother and I would take the Ottomans who put him away my dad would take the tree put a trunk of the car wait till about Oh 10:30 at night drive two blocks throw in our neighbor's yard you thought read my annoyed and yes either wish Shiites we don't have a tree get the hell out of here existence for a kid finding out about Santa that was the worst and how old were you when you when you learned the truth see I I was about five or six but I found out the worst way you know most kids find out about Santa from an older brother or sister just gonna grow out it's cool there's no Santa my mom kept me right here in New York to Macy's they had Santa's workshop they had the reindeer the house the whole thing but a thousand kids in line I was the next kid I was the next kid to talk to Santa and a little girl comes out with the sign you know Oh Santa's got the North Pole he'll be back at one you know I'm thinking one jeez I can't wait the one I remember I was crying my mom's leading me out and then I figured boy you know if I burst through the door they Benton grab Santa in its workshop before I go to the road I go person to that some workshop there's a little elf for blouses open Santa's got a beard off he's all over us yesterday was of course Elvis Presley's birthday is do you have just a little you do a great impression don't do an art we'll think about it when we do the commercial [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] they may be perished but then delicious now the band sounds great is always mr. Sanborn what can you do just a little just a little something wrong [Applause] I saw one of my favorite Elvis films here they spin out yo Z listen yeah this is one where Elvis is driving a Cobra brand new Cobra what's this worth a hundred grand now some girl in a sprite cuts them off the Cobra goes in a ditch is wiped out because Elvis not harmful he says we'll turn the car on right now we'll go right back home go ahead but I saw something again this is the most deeply movies have you seen any holiday movie movies there what you're talking about well before we get the holidays are even more depressing I'm gone I'm staying over here I walk eighth Avenue I see a porno shop they have a sign that's been on the door obviously for weeks we'll be open all day Christmas Day can't we put this stuff away for one game really people wake up on Christmas morning going jeez I'd like to buy some filthy magazine there's one like that in LA this one in LA when you drive you see this when you're driving to LA International Airport Airport you drive a hundred yards out the airport your first thing we see is that huge sign it says nudes from 7-8 oh yeah that's right imagine going in there seven I am someone on the stage new to hair and curly she's cooking eggs there we go well let's see interesting huh I know what holiday it's supposed to be Rambo come in though I mean it's like Armistice Day movies good one of the here's one my clue this is interesting to watch American film going habits here's a movie clue this is one movie that had three completely different ratings three different theaters carrying the movie each had a separate emptiness ever ending yet the movie didn't do particularly well then the other hand you have a movie like Rocky is four different movies that all have the same ending [Applause] me I mean these movies are so violent I mean kids are immune at this point kids in their salsa physically my wife and I earned it there the other night a nine-year-old kid sitting in front of us by himself now I was 9 when you allowed to go the movies probably my mother also says even I'll sit right call attention to it you're one of the 42 old woman's gonna be hit me in the back of the head my wife and I are watching the previews that coming attractions and it's another one of these slice and dice movies people getting stabbed and they have this scene this is the scene that you are chilly to walking down the street maniac comes up behind it with a chainsaw cuts her head off the show they head rolling down the street the nine-year-old kid in front of me goes no that's fake I think there's a correlation between these horrible sex crimes in these movies I mean people see things in these movies maker might be sure I mean we've all said sex crimes I'm not being a but let's be honest I mean years ago movies are pretty naive sexually there wasn't a lot you could emulate you ever watch those old westerns when the meanest roughest gang would ride into town they kidnapped the sheriff's daughter they tie into a pole then all the men would line up and kiss her [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] J we have 30 seconds here what's your beef I know 30 seconds rice beef all right this this is something everybody does is that you everything everybody sings when they're alone don't you sing in the elevator you sing in the car possibly accept you Robotron man you don't do any of these I mean when you when you when you're in a crowd you want another Street you trying to see something here you know when you're trying to sing a Springsteen song or prince2 nism but when you get alone your mind will automatically revert to the lowest common denominator song possible it sang to me the other day I'm in Chicago I'm late I get in the elevator I'm on the 13th floor I don't see this guy stand on the corner I just don't see him you're not getting the elbow right press lobby I think I'm by myself you know right away you start singing when you're when you're Roma Tron man you don't make jerky mistakes like that Montreal Saturday and then Bates College in Maine doing well [Applause] [Music] you [Music] my first guest is a terrific comedian a good friend he can be seen on February 7th at the celebrity Theater in Phoenix and on the 8th at clues Hall in my hometown of Indianapolis Indiana please say hello to Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] sandwich sandwich Oh sandwich there that yeah this is some guy named interesting these things those are a little cocktail toothpicks why don't want a who makes these you know I mean who makes these I mean is this the kind of thing you take pride in what you guys somewhere in an assembly line he just sits there Morelli come in look at cream mrs. Crimmins come over here look you know these are made you know when these are made I asked the guy look it broke it broke I asked the guy at the deli you know what he's amazed America this is what we make we used to make steel umbrellas for my time look at that have you ever seen that an example yeah there you go this is this is like a sledge hammer and it breaks when we try to bust up the breakable like Abe Lincoln's axe you know that story stir it head in its v handle but it's Abe's axe [Laughter] are you do I know you you came in last night I came in last night when did you call me last week who we booked you I believe in August for tonight's appearance you called me last night at 10 o'clock and lost you know we're so funny I was looking at TV done i watching TV get when you call it and I said to myself where is it there's an ad here for David's fourth anniversary special right see we taped it on an airplane oh you take them there myself Davis stuck forgets hmm why didn't he call his good friend Don Johnson Ted Koppel Tom Hanks you your real friends wouldn't come in the last minutes notice but Jay can you come you're not on the special but can you fly well I tell you what I tell you what you still could be on the special we'll see how it goes tonight all right I guess kung fu' the movie gee you think he's gonna beat up any morons in this but I notice in this week NBC number one did you read about that no I didn't see that but I we're all quite excited I'll show ya Miami Vice I'm sure you like this show oh yeah I like it I mean I mean let's face it is essentially Charlie's Angels about the estrogen really now you you normally work in you spend a lot of your time on the road working clubs club you on the road David I know yeah I'm not like one of these ROTC comics here 90 day one do you walk into a talk show I'm out there on a pork chop hill I walked into a torch that's right I wake about all the shows you had before this one had some show show was this one here all this is the one I want to know about who this tastes funny what was that show [Music] [Applause] it's an early I think George slaughter and and we never really came together so we did a pilot and that was pretty much it you know the worst well I see if not that the clubs are though is not the worst because the people are coming nice but this strange I what was that a while ago a guy books me Charleston West Virginia mmm-hmm mr. Dees delicatessen he decides to go so like a hip place for countless nice to make it a comedy here and it's a docket Essen all right but he puts up a little stage and I go in there and the audience was nice they were nice but again it's it's one of these situations where it's Charleston West Virginia which is a coal mining town so when people that people - took just coughed they do that the people are sitting in booths the guy didn't change the seating in the room for company they were sitting in booths yeah like so I'm on stage all I can see from my point of view is the club making them big and plenty of money - yeah they can think oh yeah I know you're making good money I'm sorry mr. Olano - check bounced there we'll have it for you the next time place the one you know I tell you I was in in fact I was in Indiana University of Notre Dame and I saw a great way to make money this this I was doing to college a nice College I walk around the campus because I got there like 11 o'clock in the morning and then when the college bookstore I'm talking this guy who sells textbooks to the college sure we make billions doing this you know so because each year they sell the new revised edition I'm not kidding the guy shows me a book this is a real book basic Latin thirty eighth edition the language has been dead for 2,000 years we'll be right back here with Jay Leno [ __ ] [Music] Jay Leno is here finishing his a roast beef sandwich boy that's American beef in town have you ever have you ever in your life eating a roast beef sandwich without having beef sandwich without without having to do this at some point Oh problem they're working on it now how's your family family is good my mom read your article and the parity issue a Newsweek no no see that's that's an actual issue should collects all this show business nonsense especially yeah she didn't follow the girl and she read the life when like when John Travolta made it big he bought us mama meat coffee like you know Henry Winkler that new house person so she called me other day from Boston she said that especially after this came out he gave me a nice mansion she said oh she gets real cold in Boston yes you know the snow is real deep you know and she's driving all these handsome I had a pretty good year this year and she's feeling real good mom so for Valentine's Day I got her a little snowblower you know it's not a new one it's got a blown head gasket I mean she can bake about 15 bucks doing driveway there a woman in her 70s does your mom like me does she have a favorable opinion of me yes she likes you frankly about a long time ago thought you were a nice young man yeah they're doing fine yeah no that's good they were just out to visit me which was nice God in California yeah but my mom again I don't know she you know you want to take him around and show him stuff my mom she seems things you know you know I'm saying ya know I guess we're driving in the car she won't just complain you know it's that little irritating shrimp I'm driving a car she's in the backseat I'm not my dad and I are in the front I'm saying all up that is though with Jimmy Stewart lives and they will go to Beverly Hills and I'll show you some of the famous things you know my mom's back we can enjoy what is it my my dad is not a traveler my dad likes to go to Sears this is his idea you know I call him up I'm trying to get him out I said dad come on come on out after after Christmas you come out come on I'll show you Beverly Hills it'll be nice we'll go to the beach yeah how's the paint department out there you know people want to meet Joan Collins my dad the lady Kenmore with my father's idea well there's an interesting whatever happened to Roebuck it used to be see his robot Susan we'll talk about your Ponyo screwing you out of your half of the business yeah yeah the robot takes a three-day week comes in on Tuesday with my name get that robot SC is over in the corner [Laughter] we have about a minute left you have anything you want to get off your chest tonight you have anything you want here yeah every year yeah I like Warren green how long's he been doing these out both things for 15 years how many ladies can the guy drive huh dogs you know this dog is seven and that's a million of Oban and I got three sons it never occurred him these kids even look like 800 pounds this is five two could be gay I don't know he's got another kid is bald and older than him [Applause] for Lauren yeah what is that for Lauren well that's that's an Italian gesture where you know I lost the card where you gonna be you're gonna be Plus Hall wouldn't good luck the card he's nothing I wanted to tell him where you're gonna be appearing I'm gonna be a cool I'm gonna be in Phoenix different when it's plug time isn't it yeah yeah yeah find that card game who's all and then you're gonna be at the comedy magic club in Hermosa Beach Friday and Saturday Sunday I'll be in Minneapolis well this is a nice town god bless you and regula nice to see you again [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you this is pretty serious stuff here tonight folks my next guest is appearing in concert this Saturday night here in New York City at Carnegie Hall please welcome a very talented gentleman our friend Jay Leno Jay [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is uh Tim the street urchin he'll be my valet thank you Tim Oh Tim you know that big goose it's hanging in the window at the butcher shop downstairs that's right I'll tell you what you get it to me before the end of the show and there'll be half a track more in it for you all right [Applause] you know I know minute later I know well half a half a Drac mark half a Drac Martha know what denomination exactly what currency are we talking about here Drac Mar Drac mark yeah it's a lot of currency it's a lot of what would that be roughly say in United States American dollars about five dollars oh that's very generous so he'll be getting two and a half dollars that's right normally but if he gets it again it'll be an entire oh I see okay now I notice I know you don't play Carnegie Hall I know that you ever don't ask to play around a ball do what he called the the barroom there the bawdy songs and the ribald stories that's pretty much what we do you know it's interesting when when the Carnegie Foundation first called oh they they called you themselves well about playing Carnegie Hall you know I had a conflicting date at the La Scala Opera House in Milan why didn't it fortunately the owner Villa Scala Vinnie Mancuso said you'll fruss II know it I can blow you out of the date how do you compare a c-note like to a Drac Mar how well a c-note would be well five isn't it would be twenty dress now when you travel around the world as much as I knew of course changing currency oh you have your problem yeah now this is an exciting moment in your career actually coming to New York City to play Carnegie Hall is your wife gonna be an attendant mrs. limo yeah oh yes she'll be with me as well I'm going on six years of marriage no congratulations well you know I'm being married I was never good at dating that's what I heard yeah see I admire people that can break up with other people like that they just go it's over I want those people I always felt they had the kite oh honey look around then just break up why don't we still go out but like you can see other people and I'll see you later well you know and you think oh and then she goes well okay we'll do the anything oh that worked out great you know gee this is funny you know a few weeks go by nothing is said then you'll be sitting in a nice restaurant somewhere huh honey will you pass me your wife's a lovely woman and congratulations it'll be nice to have her in New York City the folks should be very proud you know little round mom's a little iron tank model from Eastern Europe California the moms you know they were halter tops and you know that kind of a grandmother's there with names like Bambi and muffin you know here in New York yet the kind of moms that I earn sucks I earn the toe of the socks in case your shoe falls off someplace important people know you come from a good but it's nice to have them come down my dad my dad will be coming along I will how's your dad Angela no yeah 75 what's his name Angelo Angelo learn Italian then yeah I know your mom Scottish and your father's Italian right yeah okay which is not detention and I saw your mom and parents that wasn't my mom that was an actress obviously not as a child the average behavior yes when you work gotta give all these are the kind of words no I guess it was never got the moms silent treatment is that you know that kind of thing we have no did I ever get the mom think about what you've done yeah yeah - my mom work in the room and she like dust around me you know no where's father asked me when your mom would start singing I wouldn't want to be in your shoes I know what you're doing I have a son that's no good no no would you see the big telecast last night around the world a billion you know I like the Oscars I'm glad for people that won but I wish they wouldn't do production numbers on movies that don't have production numbers you know like Chorus Line out of mine huh you know when they have a production number for witness you know that oh those Amish [Applause] the assumption that people don't understand anything that's going on like they have Huey Lewis in the news now tremendous rock star tremendous moment we really have to hire gyrating teenagers to do the Frug in front of I mean other people sitting home going apparently this looks like some kind of rock and roll but overall did you like to tell me yes I thought that Robin Williams was very fun that was very funny no Robin is good now did you watch as well I watched the entire show you did now you watch the whole show i watch the into it yeah I had room service and watch the whole show room service yeah no not at my home you weren't home I wasn't on Leslie oh so where were you a lot of personal problems I was I tell you what we'll just do a commercial here now Lord will come back and we'll continue visiting with mr. first nighter here Jay Leno oh there you are [Applause] [Applause] [Music] okay Jay Leno was back here that we mentioned it's Saturday night at the Carnegie Oh Saturday night I sold out big success just about it yeah tomorrow Wilmington Opera House and then we can W Opera House yeah no no you know I saw you you were kind enough let me see your cable tell that once program special that you're doing for what what operation is these operations are all on their last legs but well I'll tell you it's a it's a it's a little different cable show it's a great great show well that's clean which is unusual yes the first time cables experimented with anything but for people who were accustomed to seeing you do your stand-up or on this essentially a docu comedy game it's drama yes this is a kind of stuff those GE guys will be talking about when they get in here you know it's called the American dream and I thought we should have some kind of a theme with it and you go around the country around the country talking to Americans about what they do and we have a clipper I guess and what we did was we had talked to a bunch of immigrants we went down to a national swearing-in ceremony and asked people the real questions on the immigration test and these people are from like Israel and China and Norway I mean everywhere they hardly spoken but they got every question wrong so right now though I'm 19 so then we figured gee maybe we should go out on the streets of Chicago and talk to people who look like they've done well and I'm citizens born in this country and ask them the same question yeah okay this is what's the name of the show Jay an American dream an American dream Jay Leno coming up on Showtime okay those who should be closed immigrants that we're overcrowded still others feel the border should be wide open immigrants of the lifeblood of this country is there a middle ground I'm talking with Colonel John Herrera who's head of a new pilot program Colonel what is a program how does it work first simply we randomly select citizens off the street or beer to a benefit from having lived in America we ask them a question from the citizenship handbook they fail to answer correctly with the foot oh I see so to balance a drain on the economy and the new people coming in we merely deport those people who the government feels no longer deserve to be here they don't deserve they can see what I mean and select the Citizen of the street sir we step this way yeah how are you today fine enjoying your life here in America yeah sure good the police tell me who the 19th President of the United States was what a no Andrew Jackson sorry that's incorrect would you please step in of an officer no I mean once he is in the truck Guatemala Honduras again there's a choice anyway it's a very enjoyable now we have a couple of minutes left I know you always have something that's burning through your soul you've got to get it off your chest you know this is when I heard I actually heard his two days ago on the radio 7-elevens got this great deal you know this we heard this come in for a cup of coffee and if it's not fresh you get it free what are we doing here saving people a trip to the dumpster some curdled milk maybe a rancid donut I love you no see my thing this is great I love it when companies get very moral in their every time you seen these ads for Dow Chemical they show the kid graduating college gee when I get out of school I can go to work for Dow and stop world hunger and eradicate noise damage job where is it no man Johnson Johnson come here listen that stop hunger a decayed illness program it has been put on hold we want you to work on the new death Joey [Laughter] [Applause] you'll be out of commission basis oil companies are great for this too you know whatever there's any one of these stupid bogus oil shortages they give you those stupid three-color brochures 50 ways to same energy hey come on gang 25 way we can all pitch in and save fuel at home or the two years ago they spill 80 million gallons of oil in the Gulf of Mexico they want me to go to the bathroom in the dark and save three-centimeter so you got you got you got colleges coming up you want to mention anything yet some college dates when I go to tour of all Oregon coming up touring or gives a beautiful State never been to Oregon I've been this shoe box with holes mr. Leno will be at Carnegie Hall Saturday night and then points beyond after panik's Hall and Worcester on Friday well good nice I'll see you again thank you very much [Applause] look for that we'll be right back here [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] my first guest tonight is easily one of the funniest men in America and a good friend of ours he can be seen on June 13th in concert at the Universal amphitheater in Los Angles California please say hello to mr. comedy Jay Leno [Music] [Applause] [Music] are you doing pretty good pretty good well you know what came in the mail yesterday talking about magazines and people who have things in periodical publications this is the current issue of Newsweek June 2nd 1986 you turn right here to page 70 and there's a giant very highly complementary two-page spread about your right you know I had a thing in Paris Match and Pravda today I did it now this is pretty much just in the United States I probably had no idea I guess so much on the road it's very impressive how about you having a good holiday I had a good holiday Halloween now do you were you involved in the Hands Across America thing major you know coincidentally went right through my living room really yeah I watch you know it's a good cause sure they're trying to feed but you know unfortunately this is the way people think we affect social change now in America right I mean we hold hands across America we have a rock concert we have a comedy show it's amazing no one has thought to use probably our best tools for social change that's called voting [Applause] and in a ditch up that when that can water holding hands with Robert Blake to a you know I watch the news now see these are all wonderful people absolutely all these countries seem to hate us you know I Germany was all these countries seem so mad out of we seem like nice people well why would that be what do you think understand why why well especially poor countries don't like it and it's true I went into toys arrested by my nephew a present the other day and I see piled against the wall stacks and stacks of this game mr. Potato Head bitter are you explain yeah there are years people in other countries at in America we grow food for amusement purpose imagine trying to explain mr. banana-head just some kid from the Opera see the potato Kimba you don't want to eat the potato Kim but you put this little hat on it the only country in the foot in the world rather when we play with food that we grow and for that we make other chemicals we eat yeah I mean you can take a Chicken McNugget you can bury the earth for 500 years 500 years from now somebody will think it up and go oh look a Chicken McNugget now what's the thing Burger King has no I have tender strips have you seen this no the competing tender strips of yeah chicken yeah I love to watch Burger King at McDonald's cuz they always compare themselves to each other neither will take the chance of comparing themselves to real food you can put them right in front of a chicken a chicken little bin there and go I see nothing here that offends me you know what's happening to food this is a true story I was in Nashville last week I had a rental car I'm driving our street I want to get something I pull in the Kentucky Fried Chicken absolutely true so I go in there I tell the girl let me have two breasts in a wing or something the girls got the thing and this is true she's using a little time she's putting the box she dropped a piece of chicken on her arm and she goes oh some of its army bucket is sander yeah so you're back in New York and back here and I know you love coming to New York because your first true love is the life well what shows have opened Cobra just opened you know what it what's just about what do you think this one's about David may be a young boy coming of age in a small Midwestern farm you know we have a VCR my wife said let's rent the movie the other night I said okay I'll go down to the tape place to rent the movie I said what's a good movie my wife and I want to watch a movie this is a true movie he brings out a tape called faces of death it's a tape of people have been like accidentally killed and I'm Cameron you know the sad thing is would you just met Dick Clark has bought the rights to this and he's released out under the new title fatal blooper okay we we have to do a commercial there do me a favor give me a little more Kimba asking for the potato commercial we'll be back here [Applause] [Music] now did you read the article yes I did between the break yes very nice article and there's I'm lucky enough to have a picture of myself in there with you no I fought with them thank you take a great picture here there's several pictures you won there working with your motorcycle engines yeah another with you riding in what looks like a limousine yes it just looks like a lemon and then they're all nice pictures until you get to the one of me I look like somebody you'd hire to come in and rake your yard no I don't see anyway dude do you know I get a kick out of these men's magazines you know it's interesting I guess Playboy and penthouse those are supposed to be the pinnacle I like to move along that journalistic food chain to the next level of men's magazine no not quite as sophisticated nugget jugs Beiber swing you know not as many articles by gore Vidal you look at Playboy and penthouse and the women all have that glow you know they have that Sheen you know you get out to that next level and the women don't so much as glow many of them have like tire marks across the bed I want people bigger than the other neurological problems look on their face like come on my money now my favorite my favorite one one pupil now what we what do you think I have no idea I am NOT an optometrist uh-huh but the best ones are the real lowball magazines again come on no I'm not gonna do Kimber it's a great joke sorry all right when you're done with the jokes [Applause] yeah buried the grill cheap men's magazines Oh J or true men's adventure heat romantic ventures at best cuz they always have depicted on the cover such actual true men's adventures is like US Marines fighting Nazi women and medal bras and panties with machine you remember that big turning point in the war huh bunch of ragtag Marines against Hitler's elite D Cup squad it's a shame usually see the chief of the magazine the more macho the sexes which is an interesting thing but dr. Wolfe I suppose somebody see all these playboy pentose at least when they show naked people making love there's no caption you can pretty much figure out what's going on you know the cheap magazines the men never make love this was a Marshall reason you know it's always like I was captured by the Amazon to Brazil I had to sleep with them all they're gonna kill my buddy yeah now you know we read in this Newsweek article and we can pretty much figure out that you're a pretty wealthy guy from not a wealthy guy you know what a simple man who journeys from town to town with tiny skills but now I understand you you're now a product spokesman I am the spoken for Doritos Doritos people are applauding this some guys do it for money me it's just the love of the front over the project now this is what you said earlier about the Chicken McNugget pretty much applies about 500 years I think you can dig these up but no all natural look the Aztecs used to eat no no thank you very much we have a show to do so now will we be seeing you in supermarkets and stuff and big cardboard cutouts Jay says buy them by the bag no I will probably speak to the college students let me get you a napkin to wipe that stuff off your hands here you go thank you so then what else why I am refreshed I could go on for another whole second except is it time for what's your beef but my beef yeah I got to be so I got two beats this week one of these experts you know what I like this well not obviously the Chernobyl thing is a serious thing but when these new killer experts come on Nightline you will see these guys these new killer guys they're always great they all say the same thing of course is a risk nuclear energy is the risk everything is life is at risk you cross the street you get hit by a car you serious it's true what is it risk but I get hit by a car crossing Street in New York they don't tell people in Sweden not to eat vegetables look tonight show the other night and Carson's got a manual Lewis on you're the kid from Webster yeah and Emmanuel Lewis just taking karate now and he does a couple of karate moves I'm watching this I'm saying to myself what kind of [ __ ] is gonna pick a fight with a manual with guys gonna be in a five bullets watch you say Louis yeah you know you know who might pick a fight with him Kimba Kimba okay it's it's time for the plugs where you going where you gonna be you make it sound so bleep me well you know you see you think just because now you know why I have 15 you're gonna be at the universal Amphitheatre you tomorrow I'm in the rapid you ever been there been to Grand Rapids your job forward music that's where it will be then uh Friday at st. Petersburg Florida in Orlando Florida and then Valley Forge Pennsylvania view there you were there once with Tony Orlando er no not as valley 49 Pittsburgh Pittsburgh and Tuesday Westbury yeah in Richmond Virginia then Albany oh man role villain Pennsylvania my country to entertain don't you J I've got work to do David rather than sit in a desk rather go from home to listen congratulations on all your success my back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] now Chris every time you're on the show I know there's something eating at you something under your skin something chewing at you and sour beef yeah that's right what's bugging my man chance yeah what yeah I got a beef here we've got a big Burger King commercial heard this myth Burger King commercial witnesses where a Burger King town now what kind of selective process is going on here well yes mr. mayor we'd like to put up a Burger King in your town but I'm afraid you have too many pimple-faced pinhead adolescents right guys yeah okay now you're gonna be at the Helen Hayes right we're at the Helen Hayes right now then we're off to zany's Altos Amy's will be at funny bones for a while and then we're at my Moe's my moles well that sounds like a lot of fun as always yeah we're punching here you are a terrific job very imaginative ladies and gentlemen the talents of Moomins [Applause] I'm sure whether it's whether you're right back after this commercial [Applause] [Music] my first guest tonight is more popular and more powerful than ever before this man has television deals he has commercial contracts he has concert dates all over the world the most recent being on August 29th at the Holiday Star Theatre in Merrillville Indiana it's always a pleasure to welcome mr. comedy Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Music] are you doing pretty good I'm all right I guess you seem a little coming in last night tough well they had the big hurricane exhaust I flew on this stupid new plane huh the Airbus yeah 8300 Airbus kind of combines the worst of both forms of travel really way to think out of a flying bus who do you meet on a bus anyway escaped mental patients court-martial GIS the indigent the haunted you know we got stuck on the bus once we flew into Denver we got snowed in they can you say we you mean you're any other people as well you're gonna vote spokesman for the passengers that's right that's right anyway we were snowed in then a they put us on this stupid sino Cruiser buses rolling bad neighborhood this thing boys a guy next to me he's got an ax got in that one of those pet things a live syphilis accomplished Germany they were the size of a small dog vicious they had a stewardess on the bus they try to make it like a plane they put a steward at buzz they had nurse ratchet running nothing on the island you know what happened in here travel you know it it used to be elegant they used to be oh sure it was the finest way you can travel you know you see the deterioration and services I mean I'm looking at Delta three years ago the slogan was Delta the airline run by professionals last year when said Delta were ready when you are you know the new slogan insist the younger slogan Delta we get you there anyway I'm on this stupid air bus last night we hit a 300 the a 300 we don't buy a consortium I think it was the French the French but we driving by over there but we buy planes from it they give Adam the Germans and the French Germans in the French anyway we hit the hurricane so for the first time in my life I look at this stupid airline safety card you know what a lie what bogus information is they like it shows what to do in the event of a water landing yeah like the plane will land on the water you know it doesn't Kareem into the sea upside down on fire at 60,000 feet effect Langly lands on the water kisses the shore you know and they give me a bread come your drinks you don't spill out I know it's so stupid anyway I start looking at this this the safety card and they show you I mean the information it's such a lie you know first of all it's all in pictures because they assume if you're on this thing you can't read them here and they show you how to get into the life raft you know and everyone is so common they show this picture they got one guy's got his foot in the life RAM he's got the other foot in the wing in the plane and the diagram he's helping a young lady and skirt and heels into the life book this guy would grind his heel into her face to get out of it [Applause] and they show the woman lets y'all the woman to diagram she's got spiked heels and she's stepping in an inflatable life but the last picture is the best they show the guy on the flotation cushion you know and they always have the plane parked on the water off to the side like going down with a tail end upper and it's always parked on the water and the guys like this on this location you know he's got that look on his face like gee I guess we'll be a couple hours late get in they're gonna read where's that air phone cancel those dinner reservation what's going on in the world of news that the old big fan of the news I know you're a big fan I love the news well of course you know Andrew and Fergie I guess I mean yeah that's what brings Andrew and know it was her name Ferguson Baggins yeah back from their honey I like it when these people pretend to be just like us you know like they said she's going back to her a job and publishing as a secretary nothing will change nothing will change said maybe her coffee coffee cover the office says Duchess of Windsor the Reagan administration has said they're willing to undergo drug tests drug tick you know I don't think there's anybody a rigid ring an administration doing drugs you know you want to scare these people you bring an IQ test oh boy [Applause] doing some Will Rogers kind of that's right yes I never met a guy I like late Girl Magazine you read about this kind of a sad note apparently they've declared bankruptcy or something is that right no I didn't have you ever ridden this plank I've glanced at it periodic or something actually actually I think all men should read Playgirl at least once really does you know at least I did you don't really appreciate how silly the women in Playboy and penthouse must look to women until you look at these guys and play go cuz it's essentially the same magazine no they all tried to show the men in natural settings you know it's always like it was like that here's Bob working on his dragster nude [Applause] nude I never show you Bob bending over that exhaust manifold a couple hours late getting in to get that air phone have you ever used that stupid thing you know I've been on planes where people do use them and every conversation is the same hello honey guess where I'm calling from the plane I may have the ad board they have the ad for it in the pocket it says it shows a businessman hang on Jim while I check my figures that's what they want you to put the phone down to ten bucks a minute and it never works in a storm it only works if you're gonna land on time yeah there's any trouble I'm sorry the air phone is out yeah yeah yeah so so what else what's going on yeah your parents ain't yeah they're fine I saw you glance at that time we have plenty more leftovers Jay I seen them you're in a lot of trouble already we call the severe diphthong did you did you bring us a severe diphthong get by I'm a speech therapist did you know that's not a diphthong well it's still have an S or something that's all our beloved s no it was it was just a mistake mistake would also impress you bring any of those what snack deals you guys delicious Doritos we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Jay Leno is here tonight Lori Anderson is here tonight and a gentleman who is a cryptozoologist that's a makeup expert I think isn't it yeah he collects extinct animals or whatever they're like Bigfoot he comes for them right are you folks folks are good I just up to see that you know I live in the Boston area Boston area I just bought my mom and dad it's one of the great mistakes in my life I bought them a videotape machine it was very nice yeah you ever try to explain to a woman in her 70s how to use the automatic timer press the program mom and then you know you just get that bling when I told my mother and I'm talking about here when I told my mother you could pay one show while watching another you would have thought I said men from Mars had landed like oh my god no how can you do that oh you're lying like my dad used the box it came in to grow hothouse tomatoes my dad is retired now which is what kind of work did he do when he was working my dad was an insurance man you see listen if they know you know so many guys yes the other guys fathers they hunt they fish you know they enjoy my day he keeps adding rooms on to the house you know my mother keeps screaming nobody lives here anymore we don't need the third rumpus room is my father you know yes he gets up early every morning and he still writes angry letters to major corporations this is only done I went home for what Easter it was I went home for Easter not over the weekend my father bought that huge box of Kellogg's sugar frosted flakes you know though it's like at Playhouse you know the big giant it says outside the box free M&Ms inside okay my father did not get his free eminence that's all I hear all to Easter you know all the relatives I don't know all these damn companies I don't know who the hell they're dealing with I said why'd you read him let all right I'm a damn letter tomorrow morning the righteous letter to Kellogg she shows me letter I said dad I think disembowels how to come to an agreement with these yeah but they're feeling good and everything's very good check yeah they're real good at least they wore up until this tape date you've done anything to harm the morning but everything's everything's fine so what do you do with your free time you're gonna film there we're gonna move like movie you can't go to them you know you used to go to the movies because the people on the screen what like you you know like some are 42 or old yellow or some people you're sitting there too now you hear people behind you say stuff you know I killed a guy like that once will you shut up I went down to rent a movie the other day this is the you know here's an I don't understand the movie business to me is it amazing isn't it well I go down there and they have the big thing in their videos it's wacky Dave just doing what I can to pad my part here that's right but they they have a big display for Heaven's Gate here's Heaven's Gate the biggest one the biggest bomb 42 million dollars it cost what are you million dollars at cause it's on sale for 59.95 no they couldn't get anybody to see it for final but but now do you think it's probably a collector's item that's what they would market it as yeah yeah for $59 it's gonna be a real rear collector and what's your beef J what's my betta you know what might be actually you know here's my beef but this is a good beef where's Chris Elliott you know he's been doing me on this yeah I know he doesn't very funny impression of you yeah but anyway we live in an age where our technology has far surpassed our ability to use it correctly I went in the record store right here the big one down the street here and I see now on compact disc Twisted Sister okay I mean are they doing some subtle musical nuance that I'm missing someone who when they see sings scream your parents can I get the full effect on the scene I went in the book store this afternoon looking around I see complete works of Shakespeare 595 right next to it hundred one things to do with a dead cat 895 [Applause] very annoying see where you're gonna be where I'm gonna be but you know I'm doing I'm doing Friday night videos Friday night video with Brandon Tartikoff president of our grand Oh as we call him Brandon Brandi Brandi coming brunette Brandon what does he call you mr. Leno September 5th and then you know I'm gonna be in your neck of the woods well actually it's not my neck of the woods it's my home state my neck of the woods is more on the snow no no I was speaking of a later neck a later man your new neck is Connecticut no no no no oh you're gonna be take it easy fella you're gonna be in mural there less talk he had been drinking heavily bear barrel villain di Ravello Indiana okay I just happen to have it right here that's not the neck you were talking about oh that's one day that would be August 29th right that's 30 involved holiday Star Theater that's a big place is beautiful yes and then the Civic Center in Des Moines Iowa that's correct and my Oakland a music theater Wallingford Connecticut and you'll be nothing have another night to attend to perform I come up and I'd like to introduce you I'd like to bring you on the stage oh yeah I'm sure you do you say that like I wouldn't want to do that now you're really gonna come by go get some cheese and crackers well we know you know you show people like that we know you get the crackers free so maybe I don't know it's your show [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 1,147,421

Keywords: Jay Leno, Chris Elliott

Id: QUQvDz7CSF8

Length: 161min 43sec (9703 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 16 2017