Jay Leno on Late Night, Part 1: 1982-1984

[Applause] [Applause] [Music] get immediate delivery because they're over stop over stop American cars this little Toyota Corolla crushed up under the fender wells my mom patriotic my mom bought a shavette what a cheerio what you pay for that it's a nice car too cute don't you drive them not driving this stupid thing I pull up to my house open the door check your water let me get that windshield for you see what a lot of the station's they're doing now this is pretty smile a lot of the American companies that manage to come 24-hour let's call you something like at Montgomery Ward oh yes I'm he's in-house we're always have pilot names any complaints the time that you think everybody steak knife this is the toughest airport in the world yeah I mean you announcement say you don't hear any when slotin's yeah the airline that this to get you there [Applause] a judgment here about the people in English mineral rights in the island anyone even goes to war it'll get more stories to masterpiece theater anybody when is that July [Applause] [Applause] [Music] no enslave it to the hundred side ladies and gentlemen mr. Jay Leno [Music] it's great to be here there are no ladies here let me change it it's not great to be here it's fabulous to be [Applause] [Music] Oh Dunning entrance oh it's terrific you know it's guys like you you know in the old days you hit a guy with a pie it was funny today guys like Dave they want to know why you hit him with the pie what's the motivation for the part and I think it shows like this and getting the kids off the drugs and back in front of the TV where they belong how much was how much was the cape well when you're in this business Dave it's hanging in there you know you do so many of these things I know you and you're working back yeah where have you been performing lately I know you just got in from the west coast as we say for the west coast open the new comedy club in Boston was up an Amish country have you ever been up there in our Amish country very nice worked a little Club up there people are very straight you know like I said the club owner I said can I talk about electricty said - yep so it must really be a relief to a hip guy like yourself being in New York and well I come to a town like this David and it's theater dining saw a fabulous show tonight went to a film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre the special edition have you seen this fabulous somebody went to a little kind of out-of-the-way steak place down that's not far from here Tad's do you know what okay there were nine of us that cost me 2250 I'll tell you something if the food is good I don't mind busing I eat out a lot thinner oh when you're in this business you know you like fancy places generally no I'm not I don't go for the fancy stuff you know it's uh it's a tough business people that work and though she'll never I walk by like the McDonald's and the Burger King down here you ever look in the window you see that one lonely kid stand there with a trainee hat on huh why did they make him wear the trainee had huh it's bad enough the kids making terrible money's got to wear a hat that says I'm a moron trainee trainee for what what's he working with plutonium down are you a trainee or you better keep waving these shakes then I guess pretty dangerous I've seen those strawberry shake just pull a man's arm right at us but okay I don't like the fans even in those places I don't like the fans but I don't like food that has sexual connotations you know fight one a jack-in-the-box to McDonald's I want a hamburger I don't want a big Jack you know I don't want a whopper I don't want Wendy hot and juicy and and I especially don't want any secret sauce this is the only country in the world where ketchup and mustard constitutes secret sauce you seem you seem hot about this issue David it's something that's got to be done and hopefully with the new administration yeah well like you say we're ahead of the Russians in the secret area of Secrets sorry we are but who knows how long that can laugh we're gonna pause here as a special night isn't it oh and I'm and I'm later the tinsel it literally seems to come alive [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you thank you very much welcome back to my very first special of course mr. Jay Leno is with us later tonight we will have the author James Clavell Amy Carter a wonderful young woman will be out here also actress Teri Garr will be joining us and you're getting to know more and more about mr. Hardman and now back to discuss more things with mr. Leno he mentioned films I know that you've been in a couple of films you've been in a lot of films then a lot of films going to see a fabulous film last night have you seen this Rocky three of you Stan surprisingly he paid he plays a boxer in this one there is now one of the most personal actors that you know what's interesting you watch people come out of it's like you watch couples come out you know and if the woman says oh I didn't like it it wasn't for me the guy will say oh man he was great he was fast you could move he had a lot of dough he could punch you was a heavyweight camp but you know that the woman liked the film if it's like oh I thought he was cute and sensitive and handsome and strong the guy sauce is I'm like wait I read somewhere he was gay [Laughter] that seems to be a trend a topic for motion pictures more and more of these day of a sexual thing seems to be yeah you know ladies and gentlemen Dave is too modest but I think if it wasn't if it wasn't for the quiet financial backing of guys like Dave I don't think a lot of these gay projects [Music] you know I don't care what anybody does in the privacy they're all a lot of people get all upset up as long as they're not on my lawn just put the Scotts Turf Builder down there boy this is a special night you got I know you love television you watch a lot of TV you got cable so you know here in New York I don't have cable TV in LA okay where do we don't qualify for it Oh remember when they sold you the cable the fabulous promises how Luciano Parvati live from the Med Bresnik of American Ballet Theatre I get midget wrestling from Cleveland 20 bucks a month to watch professor Tanaka beat up Andre the Giant Andre the Giant you know what I saw on cable the other night I saw a show I don't think I've seen this show in 15 years a rifleman you remember the show sure yeah I used to love this show as a kid and I said oh it was not it like to an o'clock tonight I said I'm gonna watch this I haven't seen in a long time I'm watching the show and about halfway through the show I realized this Lucas McCain this man is a serious psychopath and every time he goes to town he shoots somebody with this rifle he doesn't just shoot people he blows the hell out of women he makes his son watch hey watch this mark Bam Bam Bam Bam a Nikki's dead Bam Bam Bam he's dead now sir I don't see many Westerns these days I like any Western it has a posse in it no you ever remember seeing a film with a posse ever caught anybody knows this is cause a posse is the most ineffectual form of law enforcement everything this is the stupidest way to catch from them because all idea of a boss to yourself defeating you know the odds have that big scene let's go all the men here in the center of town Micah you brought the Zeke's place get his boys charlie brother fun gossiping every man you can get everybody here everybody together all right let's split up there's four Jalen all ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] welcome back to the show in the next half hour we'll begin our exciting elevator races you won't want to miss that I know I won't my first guest has been here several times before the last time you helped us with the festivities on my first Network special he is currently appearing at the Eastside comedy club on Long Island we'll try and get more specific information in a moment please welcome Jay Leno we read the paper here have you seen the paper Hinkley not sorry hasn't this kid suffered enough ladies Roman huh what is he getting fifty days in the hospital what are we animals in this country I feel sorry I feel sorry for the parents mr. and mrs. Dinkley you know me what do you tell your neighbors when your son was kicked out of the Nazi Party for being too violent he just couldn't get along with Oh Sam you see this he's a drifter he's a loner he's a transient without many friends you know why these people alone is it's real simple you watch them you say what are you gonna do with your life I'm thinking of shooting the president yeah I got a run Bob I guess you'll be a loner it says here people are blaming the jury the jury should be acquitted on grounds of insanity that's a great favor here sadly and that's my beef following no I haven't you well it's all right here in New York's finest newspaper oh yeah this makes a Inquirer look like the New York Times take care about this space you know as people applauding that you know what anything about this shuttle you watch it and they're up there now and it's not as good that's TV you know this is true when the space shuttle landed the last time and they the astronauts get out Lee knew everybody was saved they go out in the interview various people to get their opinions in the space shuttle now watching this on network news I can't say the network I would probably get many but this is true and watch on network news the first guy they interview when they know the astronauts are saved they didn't interview Christopher Kraft from the space program of Neil option and if you Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek there any Klingons up there this is so it can be real the people you know I think the shuttle is great I think it's terrific I just quit I wish they'd quit telling me how all the advances will trickle down to help me you know it's like these pictures from what was a Voyager 2 and Time magazine they send crystal-clear pictures 80 million miles across space I walk across the street at a fotomat they can't find mine you know and whatever people have photo might give you the wrong pictures they never apologize they always try to convince you those are your pictures you know I don't think these are mine are you sure yeah the topless woman with the zip gun is not mine hagas out did you see that no I didn't see hey I guess doing the show being wrapped up backstage I found out why he resigned I don't think they had a thing in Newsweek but I didn't cover it apparently he and Reagan had a disagreement over the whether to use nuclear weapons at the rally in Central Park my turn now okay now you mentioned the rally in Central Park let me ask you did you go to the rally well I don't know you show me yours yeah how was it the rally you know you go to these rallies I mean how many people went a lot of people go yeah but there were people from all over the world all different groups you know what the largest single group was at the rally and this surprised me but there were so many with the Elvis impersonators against war did you see them literally hundreds of them coming down eighth Avenue going think of her emotions you know then you go to these rallies and there are a lot of people baver there that are less that are there for less than humanitarian reason mm-hmm you know you see people on the rally stop or buy a lemon ice here as involved as they should me again I noticed you have I've never seen you in a piece of conventional sportswear yeah Duke Children's Golf Classic I just came back from there it's a bigger reason enough for kids yeah they know I was a golfer you know I didn't know that I play golf really you know where I have trouble in golf and I think a lot of people I do fine until I get to that windmill you know the little bridge no problem we're going to pause J has more jokes relating to his wardrobe we'll get to those when we come back with J left [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] was here and tonight it's an exciting night to be here Clara McAlister from Albany New York is here to defend her elevator racing championship before we continue I never ever ever dressed like this before in your life have you for the sake of one joke you put on the little sweater and you come out riding me I tell you I got this sweater at the golf tournament so I figured I would where do you follow any other sports not really I watch the World Series once in a while well that would be once a year i watch yeah good I saw it last year what's a guy Ron say I saw that guy got hit with a baseball going what like 98 miles an hour guy gets knocked out cold and I'm sitting there watching I said to myself the worst part is really not getting hit by the baseball cuz I have them so fast you're out like a light the worst part is sitting in your hospital bed with the head and bandages turning on the news and watching yourself get in again [Laughter] and whatever they show something like slow motion it's awesome moron somewhere in the country turning on the TV right at that moment going who's new get out the way [Laughter] a guy like yourself now I do know that the your favorite one of your favorite things to do in your free time you have some free time occasionally always let's clear this up right away though these side comedy club on Long Island I long them is a huge place oh it's tremendous no no no we're we're pin point for us we're on Long Island the folks can come and see this Southampton Southampton do you say like I'm working with a guy named Joel boast a very good comedian mm-hmm call ticketron now if you know and you'd be they're beginning to my night tomorrow night all right now where were we oh yeah what you like to do is you motorcycle notice that motorcycle enthusiasts motorcycle eight motorcycles thank you know it's not my red and you wanted some psychologist did you see this said that the motorcycle is supposed to be an extension of the male sex organs I think that's silly like I mean the fact that I Drive the biggest wife sure I go through the Lincoln Tunnel every now and then people but all these Freudian things on it and I think it's you just a recreation not sorry now I know that you have your wife has a kitty hi kitty kitty yes she does we're traveling with the cat oh you travel with the guys wanna travel again they've been on the road with this cat riches so the other night I bought the wrong brand of cat food so the next day the kitty wouldn't eat let's put him in the closet for six weeks I think you'll be all right I like dogs better than cats you've divided this audience in something ugly good trait whatever women know I men like dogs men like to stand up and give lectures and give orders and stuff and at least the dog will pretend to be interested in what the guy is saying ya ever see men with cats kitty come over yeah meow meow a cat I saw stupid fight over in a rude big face you know dog will sit there pretend to take notes while the guys talk cats run away my wife can't ran away for three days she sends me out in the middle of the night driving around looking for the cat okay like the cats gonna stick to the main road after three days a cat comes Lahti done back into the house again like an idiot I say where have you been first of all the cat's gonna lie anyway I want to I want to thank you for being here for our elevator races and they'll see watching that I were here the last that's right and then you'll be at the Eastside comedy club each side come on gentlemen we're going to pause we'll be right back after station identification [Music] and the band and I thanks to Carrie gasps man who talked to us on the phone earlier very nice gentleman my first guest also a very nice gentleman and a talented stand-up comedian he is an actor oh and an author of a book it says here which is destined to become a best-seller he's appearing tomorrow night it's not too late to charter a bus now he'll be tomorrow night at the laughs stop in yes Houston Texas so please welcome mr. Jay Leno [Applause] you look you look very casual but yet very authoritarian yeah that's what the guy at Sears said the outfit we're doing in there looks like Ward Cleaver he kind of been with that on yeah I got this in husky boy's author of a new book is that right can that be possible destined to become a best-seller tell me about that well let me explain you know David as you know I travel a great deal London Paris Pittsburgh Comedy Club and whatever I travel people say to me Jay what is a Dave Letterman I'd rather get into a long detailed explanation I've written I guess what's popularly called an unauthorized biography it's called Davey we hardly know you yeah it's a priceless introduction to Dave Letterman that will enrich every home the glitter the tinsel the tears the laughter it's the heartwarming story of that funny little late-night clown it's always laughing on the outside crying on the if I can can you get a shot in as you can see it as a shot of Dave right there on the cover and on the back there's a little picture of me there [Laughter] there's a hole 212 page supplement of me and what I've been doing oh he's kind of about the author information yeah but you know the thing is people stop me on the street they say Jay is it all show business the book well no it isn't daiva there's a chapter I call the early Letterman years if you will the Wonder Years The Wonder Years ages one through twelve I guess I guess that's the time when most performers acquire a personality you know most kids that age have heroes I guess racecar drivers or you know football players and you had your own special kind of heroes too didn't you Dave and your mom was kind enough to give us a photo of your bedroom when you were 11 this is taken from the book can you get a shot of that there kind of give you an idea what Dave Ruel look like there we go [Applause] another and of course one I think one of the most popular chapters in the book is what I call the Hollywood year all the Hollywood years remember Dave when you first came to Hollywood and you and I shared that apartment and I was the messy one and you remember the two English girls that live downstairs remember penny Marsha was my secretary now this is not true we never really lived together well Dave it's a book you got to take a little bit of life now what what would if anybody is interested in this particular tome what would it go for I do want to emphasize I wrote the book not for any financial gain for myself okay I wrote the book purely to tell kind of a story but if you do want the signed edition its $45 which I don't think is a lot of money 45 45 but if you order now you not only get Davie we hardly know you we'll also include how this is great the late-night Fun Pack can you get a shot of this let me show you how this works now here you got you see now there's Dave and his famous bar for that inside here you got holy outfits that David wears on the show he's got it worse now you can paste those on and swap them with your friends and it's a lot of fun also if you order tonight and this is strictly for tonight because this is an offer I can't keep mine will also include the late night home game great now this is a lot of fun let me show you how this works what happens is you think can you save that save to how the game works we have to pause for commercial we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Jay Leno is here also on tonight's program filmmaker Werner Herzog will be joining us and Jay is just you wanted to finish late night home game this is a fabulous thing as I said what happens is here you at home actually get to pretend that you're Dave Letterman what happens is here you travel around the world just as David does and you meet people from other lands I know that let's see how it works he will take a card at random just pick a card what does this say oops small town news go back three spaces and this but it's a lot of fun so for $45 I really don't know you can't go wrong can't be and a limited offer let me know when you appear at the the Houston laughs stop now by the way that's la FF so you know what's gonna be fun right now will you be selling a one-time deal I lose my shirt I can't afford that's awfully awfully nice cue to prepare that stuff Allison I mentioned you of course mr. Herzog is on the big film buff as they say yeah I'm a little annoyed that films at around me you know I'm surprised I'm surprised women aren't mad at the film's at around I see these awful films where women get chopped up with chain saws and axes I mean it's really totally a blood beach hollow but now they got Friday the 13th Part three I mean here's a real believable film woman opens refrigerator gets hit in the face with an axe how many women everyday you go for the frozen peas get an axe and the bridge of the nose yeah I mean I wonder who writes these films I think these films are usually written by guys it can't get six you know there are a lot of Elmo's a lot of Melvin's right that's why the women in these movies are so stupid yeah but watch these films the must is only chasing women in toreador pants and heels the women run about 15 feet then they sit down in the street and they cry and you see the monster come up behind him look lady I wasn't gonna kill you but you're being such an airhead I'm traveling one-and-a-half miles an hour I'm dragging 50 feet of slime behind me I saw a film it had the stupidest female character this film made my wife so mad a film called don't answer the phone anybody see this okay sit man movie begins man and I'm a mere man and in big letters don't answer the phone directed by who can't get sex better than our man man big letters don't answer the phone producer elmo Melvin men and a mammoth big letters again don't answer the phone for a scene of the film ring I mean the preset next me I'll kill a bit oh yeah we gotta we gotta pause here again y'all wait here okay you do that you wait there we'll be right back after station identification this is Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the show mr. BAE Leno is here and Werner Herzog will be joining us later in the program now tomorrow night this would be exciting at the gail van Buuren will be here this is Dear Abby and in addition to Abby we will have striking player says here for the Los Angeles Raiders John Matuszak and I guess it's no secret these kids are dating so that'll be tomorrow night will you ask the Arab me a question I'll be happy to ask her a question she never answers a question she just gives advice you know it's always like dear AB me my husband's a good provider we have a big car a new house the swimming pool and three wonderful children the only problem is on Wednesday nights he runs into the bedroom wearing my brown pants swinging a bullwhip and firing a 357 magnum what should I do a bullet riddle you know and she says good sounds like a good provider hang on to it is it would it be fair to say I know you're a reasonable intelligent young man that you are a supporter of the women's movement no actually I am very much so both my wife and I it's been a tough year for women the past year a toxic shock syndrome thing last year what an embarrassing way to die you know you get hit by a diesel running across the highway at least your family can explain this to people how do you explain toxic shock yeah heard your sister passed away Bob too bad what yeah she died of that you know that the world to tampon add another thing blow opposite I know how work that took it apart I couldn't figure it out they must have misfired somehow a [Applause] terrible way today Donoghue does good shows him with oh yeah yeah you watch now you you can't I know you don't get up before 2:00 3:00 in the afternoon he was not till three words well here in New York New York he's on bright and early well la-dee-da all right so I saw that what's the word quintessential Donahue show the other day that was Jewish lesbian single mothers should they play sports this that's something for everybody I like I like Phil Donny sometimes he tries a little too hard he had a guy on the other day see this wrote a self-defense book for women you know I always like it when men write stuff for women or women write stuff for minutes and the guy said the guy said if you're a woman and you're attacked the first thing you should do is try to talk to your assailant Ozzie now if you're a woman and you're trapped in a dark alley what are you gonna say to a guy who's standing there naked with an axe yeah are your folks from the area not a lot you can discuss with me from the area from the area Davi we hiring oh yeah also in the book here and I'm including a plastic record of David doing a goofy impression which is kind of how he got started oh sure all the lovable kids from Disney what a what son what are you angry about you always have what's my beef yeah yeah what's this I have a beef every time I come on this show got a big fight with the phone company other day I hate dealing with a phone come they act like your parents don't they you break your phone they try to teach you a lesson by making you stay in one day next week you broke your phone you're grounded Wednesday between 9:00 and 5:00 no you're not no what time will be the young man you just sit and wait the old phone company now that's the true story my phone broke main appointment get it fixed Wednesday and would all day Wednesday nobody comes Thursday I'm real mad I call from a payphone woman says oh we couldn't get out to your house yesterday we tried to reach you but if anything your phone is out I said when can you fix the phone will you'll be home next Thursday you'll be home next Thursday between 9:00 and 5:00 okay Thursday comes I'm up at 8 o'clock I'm staring at the front door for 7 hours waiting for this guy finally at 4:30 I can't take any longer go on the bathroom for 2 minutes I come out there's a note on the door sorry [Applause] so now you're leaving here you're going to Houston they'll be in Houston tomorrow that's a leisurely trip isn't it yeah let's enjoy Jim come all the way from you came from California and I go to Houston then I'm back home at the ice house for a week the punch line is lanta for weekend then a new club here in New York called Caroline's I'm careless 7th through the 20th Symmetra me where is Caroline's 26 and 8 that's Caroline now suddenly a shot rang out well good luck there at the it's--the oh I'm sorry the laugh stop in Houston Houston last time you open and say hello to everybody down there alright you get to work mr. Jay Leno ladies and gentlemen we'll be right back with Werner Herzog [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] we're right in the middle of the rock alluri Intermediate School eighth grade presidential election coverage and also from the police sting is here tonight and my first guest of the evening as a very talented actor writer stand-up comedian and a good friend he is appearing here in New York City through November 20th at Caroline's please welcome Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] I was sitting back there David talking to some of the young people about the election and I was feeling good about the democratic process and then one of the young people asked me to give you this envelope some money in the envelope for those of us who do not see it it's the money in the law you want to show them the under the envelope I don't think we ever really there you go how's life treating not too bad Dave not too bad not too bad working out down at Carolina for two weeks new club here in the city Cohn events the whole bit yeah things look pretty good not too bad you've been following the DeLorean thing uh not intimately story in The Times I sympathize with the problem I think most Americans sympathize with anybody that has a personal fortune a 78 million is trying to raise a few extra bucks their money they arrested the suspect and the tylenol thing today did you see that they got the guy apparently it turns out it was the same guy who was traveling around to all the famous restaurants and switching the regular coffee with the Folgers no kidding [Applause] well it's a good thing he's got it right herpes has been in the news again been following that star herpes my hear aperture rating Baba what I've heard of it yeah well you don't want to follow too closely you know you know people get all upset about these herpes things but I uh I think there's a disease among our young people it's much worse than herpes and that of course would be cooties seriously now because if you think about it to get herpes you have to have some kind of sexual content you know you go to any school in this country this kid's five and six running around giving each other cooties last time you hear you were talking about the women and then you're talking about when India and how you felt about that yes yes I was what's on your mind and I didn't mind tonight nothing I was watching Donahue again this week you made fun of me last time I didn't make fun of you I humiliated me in front of millions no I like Donny here we got a show on the other day about male sex problems you know what I just watched it out of curiosity you know you read somewhere you know they said the most common male sex problem was apparently guy gets a little too excited too quickly ruins it for the world I think this is the common problems happened to every guy at some point your life I remember the first time it happened to me seventeen years old had a date with this girl you know Carla Robinson hi Susie jaelyn are you doing yeah great I'm listen um do you want to go out Wednesday night you know okay after about two weeks I got to the point I could just pull up in front of our house I'm right back right down the mobile station question when when you're a kid you like a machine gun you know you got a little bit older it's like I hope this shot makes it boy that's the trouble of being a guy I just are old enough to use this thing you're out of bullets let's see guys can always lie which is interesting this is where I think women are more mature thank good if you have a group of guys standing around talking about women no guy will ever admit to having sex just once it's always like hey Bob that was that date with Betty from the steno pool I went back to my place afterwards I guess we did it about 52 times that's a a remarkable simulation of an actual female voice kandi well being in radio for years yeah you learn to use your voice you have a tool a tool yeah sometimes you have to use your voices that's right no no go ahead no thank you now before you got married you're married happily married man that's right happily married man how long you been married at least as of the tape date uh-huh I've been married two years yeah and what what kind of women did you pursue before email women I'll email them know what kind I don't know I'm not a big showbiz type I mean fire Fawcett Kate Jackson those women are all very pretty and everything but they're too skinny don't you think yeah you ever make love with skinny girls you always get strange problems my back bro I had a kind of women when they get mad and throw a toaster like 200 yards never guess somebody's Italian women they pick up a whole washer/dryer combination yeah now your must be pretty excited to be here on the night of the election coverage Rocco Laurie and a-reelin school all right we're gonna go away but we'll continue with J and also the election coverage right after you watch this [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen you're here on election coverage night and also a sting will be joining us in a few moments Jay Leno is here and plenty of stuff that's what they say when they can't think of what else to say plenty of stuff yeah yeah now where were we I don't know it's your show Oh about the dating starlet should we cover this down maybe cover that all right then we're down to what's the biggest difference between men and women it's number five you're on the syllabus you have a question here well you do what do I think is the biggest difference I guess that would be or perhaps just a rhetoric I think the biggest ever between men and women is the fact that all men laugh at the Three Stooges and all women think they're idiots I mean think about it you can take a guy from MIT with a doctor than astrophysics put him in front of the TV set and when mo hits Larry in the face with a shovel the guy oh crap oh yeah you ever turn the Stooges on with a group of women in the room they get stupid you ever read that list in the back of the Almanac of the ten most admired men by men it's like Abraham Lincoln Albert Einstein mole [Laughter] Moe and III I think every guys tried to do this at some point ya know was the last time you saw two women go so you know whatever Three Stooges had a girlfriend she went out with all three stooges it's like Menasha stood I mean what kind of woman's gonna sleep with even one of these now after Caroline's here to Atlantic City go to Atlantic City for Thanksgiving a whole about the Miss America pasture oh I love woods do you know who Miss America was already did we know there's Callison no no it wasn't as California wasn't it yes I like it because the quarry is miss Kelly I'm sorry sure it is you follow this kind of yeah I like it cuz the girls are so idealistic you well my goal is I'm to bring peace to the entire world I work down there with last time I said I was it with Jim Bailey you ever see this guy Jim be Jim Bailey easy no I know yeah imagine Barbra Streisand and Judy Donnelly guy is great and his family is real supportive too like his dad came to the show as Ethel Merman now how are you now is the career going you getting a little some heat building up here folks know who you are actually things are going very well things are going real good doing a lot of club work we were in Atlanta last week sold out down there doing real good business of Karen people recognize you on the street yeah I get stopped again you know what's so funny the first time I think I'm you remember this first time I did The Tonight Show you know you think everybody watches these shows I get a call the next day I was going to Buffalo I got a call from a in Buffalo that's one of those shows where I talk about cellulite and show you how to fry an egg and I hear so they say hey we saw it can you come do the show so I get to the show and they guess for myself and seven authentic African pygmy dancers these are the two guests and it's all in a green room and I got my coat and tie I'm sitting there I'm sitting here on the seven pygmies is sitting over there and they got the grass skirts and the spears and stuff you know and I'm sitting there waiting to go on and the talent coordinator lady who books the show comes in she goes mr. Leno [Laughter] we're gonna have to go we're doing station identification and Jay Leno and I will return will be back after the following political message tomorrow night an interesting combination we have Merv Griffin and Captain Beefheart on this program together they wrestled for a long time Mervin the captain all over the Northeast hello and also we're continuing the ongoing election coverage of the ROC alluri intermediate school mudslinging in that campaign yeah well they really took their welfare didn't tell you yeah what about the new television season new season yeah new seasons guys like Matt Houston you like this guy Nick Nick I haven't really seen bad guys with thick necks in my said Tom Selleck I guess he's a big star yeah like the real cups and then like Frank cannon McKenna my kind of cup big old beast detector driving a gas cousin Lincoln even go nuts all day this guy was like a rolling heart attack on wheels buddy boy he has ever coronary not Lincoln he's taking everybody with it [Laughter] yeah yeah yeah anything else catch your fancy the new catch my fancy shows you like I haven't seen much cancel by the time this airs at 12:30 I haven't haven't seen a lot of television here later yeah so do you gamble do i gamble you know the subways you have I remember when you first started this show you couldn't make a transition at all you know I went to Atlantic City thinking I would gamble cuz i gamble at home you ever do that Yemen you haven't gamble things you can't win out you know I mean you ever go to your bathroom you look at that roll of toilet paper you see there's only 10 to 15 sheets left you don't get a fresh roll you're saying [Applause] the front door opens I don't have a toilet paper the way to make adding machine tape make it change color when you come over here kind of digital readout something so good that the kids are here tonight to pick up these pointers from you okay you know we used to don't we kids use no I don't know you got the principal's phone number and then put an ad in the paper 1962 Corvette must sell $300 oh happy midnight Caroline Caroline for two weeks come on all right I'll be down we will pause here for a commercial and we'll be right back after this political message [Music] [Applause] [Music] we have a we have a find a program for you on the show tonight or the show is a fine program tonight anyway you want to miss phrase that feel free to do so in your own home later we have a surprise for people in a certain city of this country a little bit later my first guest is a good friend and an extremely funny man he will be appearing in Cleveland on January 12th at you guessed it chuckles the name of the club in Cleveland please welcome mr. Jay Leno nice to see you I mean let me ask if there's any question about chuckles that would be in Cleveland Ohio right Cleveland Ohio and chuckles a little west of the center but it's a famous club and famous club famous club I want to say something here the last time you were in New York you worked at another club here in the city and I went down to see and you're absolutely true that was Caroline yeah he did a real nice job but I was very right if you're in Cleveland or even if you're not in Cleveland the bus rates being what they are you could certainly get down there yeah no problem so nice to have you here well thank you I was very impressed did you all see this I just put this down can we show this coincidentally this is the December issue of Success Magazine just coincidentally I happen to be on the December issue of super super super good buy it any newsstand this is my copy [Laughter] you're doing pretty well then yeah there's nothing like Christmas in LA you know sitting around the pool opening gifts for you you know we did something this Christmas well I guess it's kind of a tradition at our house every Christmas Eve about quarter to 9:00 at night I always like to wander down to the local Christmas tree lot walk around a little bit make these guys sweat for a change that a 60-foot tree I'll give you a buckboard all right buddy I like it when the networks try and come up with gratuitous Christmas specials you know tonight at 9:00 a psycho Santa goes on a murder spree can Cagney and Lacey blow them away before Christmas Eve yeah you do you go to a lot of parties and they're in what do you call it la or Hollywood I have been so long since Hollywood you know a guy like myself you get invited to we went to a lot of the traditional parties Franco Franco Frank Dino desi Billy Sammy all you know interesting enough we were at a Hollywood party and we were having a good time you know playing hand puppets and making sure aids and stuff you know the holiday season it was getting pretty late at night it was it was well after 10 o'clock and some wise guy said hey why don't we show a pornographic movie well Dave this is my cue to get up and leave uh-huh you got your hat blue so as I'm heading out the door this wise guy says hey Milano why don't you stick around your friend Letterman is in the film like I turned around I took a swing at this oh I couldn't hit him cuz he had his hand on my forehead so well thank you for trying to defend why I did was I grabbed this reel of film off the off the project and I ran home with it and what's been happening is this has been circulating around Hollywood --nt is back in the early 50s about 1950 or 51 when Dave first came to oh you made this pornographic film but my my feeling is if I just show the film then the people that love you you know it'll stop the snickering and all the circulating and huh if we just show the film people will forgive you let's just roll this in wait now I should it does have some rather explicit material but these people love you David if they see the film they will forgive you like Suzanne Somers with the with the with the bogus cheque and Stallone with that Italians you know this is the same thing let's just hold it we have to go away first we have to go away for a converted on Orthodox and I think he's trying to stifle the truth no I tell you what we'll we'll go away and when we come back if you're still here we'll show the film we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Jay Leno is here and reputedly he has with him some film again Dave I am ashamed the embarrassment that goes with something like this but again as I said if people just see that it was done in 1951 so I would have been wrong in 51 I was okay I was a bootleg film start your recorders [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] oh wait a minute [Laughter] [Music] now we had to cover the woman's eyes she's married now with the child I have some thyroid problems it gets pretty steamy here so if there are young people the happy Brush salesman a happy brush company now this bike gets a little ride okay notice the who's your belt you can see you're a little younger there in the face there [Music] it's amazing what people will do to get into pictures this is the erotic cuz I don't remember much of that's it well see is this anybody you'd pick up hitchhiking is the [Music] that's when I smoke [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah it's out in the open that's off your chest a little easy I could have watched that all night and I thought there for a minute we were going to have to see its you want to run it again it was so hard yeah it's very silly now anything else you want to surprise me with here tonight no no that's it that's it now how was your Christmas you get a lot of the stuff Oh everything I got the smokeless ashtray the Ginsu knife the candle video fish thing the candle have you got anybody here got a Ginsu night come to the 50-year guarantee like you're gonna go back in 2029 or this bro you know anybody ever been to Atlanta I've been to Atlanta Atlanta is a beautiful town a lovely city but right are all stupid products come from Atlanta Ginsu knives bamboo steamer flight deck took the whole country of Taiwan stuck in the middle of Georgia's huh how about a pocket fisherman anybody got one of these to be a great idea when they come out with some pocket fish to go along what do you like you stand the line at the movies we got a few extra minutes honey buying expensive Pandi I'll just catch them best have a fresh load of freshly caught fish on your lap boy enjoyed the film sure that's pretty good idea now in addition to chuckles we got other work coming up yeah let me see the 22nd I'll be in San Francisco a great American boarding house or something like this yeah then I'm going to Nick's and Boston on the 28th in the 29 Nick's in Boston Boston Buffalo and then all of them okay we have to go away here for station identification but we'll be back don't you worry about it [Applause] [Music] hi there we got a tomorrow night now we'll be we'll be on a special a 90-minute extravaganza tomorrow night and with us then we'll be David Johansen and also stupid Petric so circle circle your TV Guide and keep the kids out of school this will be one to see for sure and also in the coming up right after a little later in the show mr. Levon Helm and I just had a surprise Jay Leno is still here Jay how was the how was the weather in LA I know they had this terrible rainstorm I was out for two days yeah tough it's 75 degrees the power goes out the heater and the pool is gone it's a living hell when the power goes out it's real romantic for like the first 10 minutes you know and that gets real annoying because you walk around the house instinctively turning things on and by the second day you don't know what you turned on that's really off in the morning all the guys how do you live in one of those precarious situations out there no I don't I'm on a hill I'm not cows on got a house up there yeah you know they had a thing happen this is true last year one whole side of Forest Lawn Cemetery got washed away so caskets were literally rolling down the hills into people's yards oh you imagine that hey my grandpa's back [Laughter] yeah that's no good no darn you don't want that no that's that's a bad bad terrible anything else on television interest you lately the new year any commercial be a good year this year yeah I think this is the year I think and I think is gonna happen mr. Dave Clark Five will finally top the Beatles I think this records oh come on I mean having committee uses commercials as a staple you know but I just get annoyed I don't mind it really I just get annoyed when I see ads that do not in any way reflect life on this planet you know there's one day running every Christmas have you seen this it's it's obviously wealthy young couple guy gives his wife a beautiful watch she opens it she says I was hoping for a mangy you home for launch in a year while I was something for a blonde with big boobs they got you I'm surprised mom that surprised women don't go moms there's this woman have you seen this woman it's lunchtime and for lunch she's feeding her kids a big pile of hostess Twinkies fruit pies and ding-dongs and the kids are like this from hypertension already she's got him nailed to the ceiling and then she turns to the Cameron says hostess meets my top it's the same mother things okay let it get you gum they find on the floor the movie the army the volunteer army volunteering and bam you seen these you're a high school dropout can't even do basic math why not join the Navy and learn aerospace technology tanks with pac-man is there anything you'd like to say before you about come to an end here the proceedings for this evening is anything you'd like to say to the folks in America here I know you're from the Boston area or back there back in LA yeah Kelly you know a lot of people obviously you know I can't get used to out out there the beach is on the wrong side makes it stop to get acclimated yeah just if you're around town we'll be injured and of course don't forgive this this gala gig in Cleveland San Francisco's that'll be tomorrow I open it Caesars in Atlantic City Caesars in the links run into big-time stuff well continued success why thank you thank you Jay Leno ladies [Applause] you [Music] writing back to the program ladies and gentlemen my first guest tonight is a good friend of ours and a very talented actor it says here he's also a writer and a stand-up comedian he will be appearing here in New York City tomorrow night at the Lone Star Cafe ladies and gentlemen that's right it elicits boos and whoops from the audience please welcome mr. Jay Leno [Applause] that was black woman it was black people seem to know you that must be comforting my family here hello my motorcycle pin you ask me that every I know last time it was a different one what's the same motorcycle pin just select all motorcycles that's my motorcycle do you collect old motorcycles or old motorcycle pins little ball now what would that one be this is my 1950 Vincent I wear this because there's a guy in Ohio that I get parts for him if I don't wear this I don't get my parts no kidding yes nineteen what was it a 50 Vincent and and and characterize the vehicle for us v-twin thousand CC it's you gonna came for ride any of my modus no I haven't no right so now what is this is a Vincent that's a big big bike big bike big yeah expensive no that's well they are now and they were the most expensive bike when they first came out but they're not real expensive huh no they're pretty expensive parts of expense yeah that's why I have to wear this other guys get big I know huh I'm just happy I got into this especially in class ah now I wanted to ask you also about this Lone Star Cafe yes I'll be at the Lone Star tomorrow night and then I go to the real Lone Star I go to Texas they go to the Antonio Sunday and Monday and then Wednesday through Sunday I'm in Austin at the Boston comedy workshop well thank you it's been a great of a wait a minute the Lone Star that's a music country music good place isn't it not tomorrow it's a comedy place comedy place tomorrow night and okay and so anybody who's interested in comedy or old motorcycles drop by drop swap parts swaps the pond swamps I may have that if things don't work out if I don't get some laughs real soon here all right we're just chatting up you don't mind a little chat no no I just flew in so I enjoy a chat you just now that sounds like a segue it sound like a comedy segue to me how many say you know I spoke to Barry the producer and you know they're not because of the budget they're not flying coated I tell you it was a comedy segue ladies I'm the last guy they fly in because he told me what they'll be doing now if you're in Los Angeles me want to do this show instead of flying you in there's a rent-a-car that has to be back in New York the way that works out it just came from Boston oh well Boston yes I myself then when Reagan was up there did you hear about that when regular in the pub had a few drinks yeah yeah I don't think you got the full story maybe not yeah cuz after you left the pub and Dorchester you went over to Inman square I had a few Boilermakers then wound up a little in a fistfight with a couple of sailors pretty racy yeah that's gonna ugly I'm sorry I'm sorry that happened probably better they keep that Hut yeah yeah now I know you're from I'm from Boston yes Lang my hometown yes great yeah see you know what's real strange I'm doing a show I'm working this place called Nicks right and I look out in the audience and I see mr. Robuchon my high school teacher no I haven't seen this guy in like 12 years and it was great as soon as I saw him I said can't throw me out of here but before being funny can you rubbish add I caught him during the show I caught him visiting with one of his neighbors made him stand in the back of the class for the rest of the show yeah so you don't recognize it's a v-twin four-speed that was the mileage on the old vintage mileage on the pretty good yeah real collector's item yeah okay what I was going to say is that you don't recognize teachers out of school no you remember that when you were a kid remember being a fourth or fifth grade you'd say like there's mrs. Johnson and she's buying groceries yeah what's she doing that for cuz we're estranged does he see him laugh you know cuz you don't think of teachers of having an identity or it's like when you're a kid and the teacher would bring her husband or a boyfriend at school the guys would be sitting there going boy imagine being married to her be getting homework all the time I want to wish you happy anniversary you know tonight is officially the one-year anniversary thank you as you know I'm a big fan of the show i watch the show every no wait a minute before we get into something that we have to go away we'll be done Orthodox no no I know it's always a bit unorthodox but we'll be right back with the Jay Leno [Music] [Applause] [Applause] Jay Leno Marcy's here and later on tonight Deborah Harry and if we're lucky if everything goes as planned the first installment of Dave's Talent Search you'll tell your grandkids one day you were here for that well what I was saying before was you know I'm a big fan of the show and I watch the show every night and I realized being your anniversary I got together with the staff when I said let's look over the past year see one of the bright spots have been you know the shame of the city the stupid pictures the elevator races and I put together just what I think is some of the best stuff you've done in the last year could we could we roll the tape just to give you a nice sure so this is you your choice for okay Jay Leno's highlight reel ladies and gentlemen and my first guest of the evening is a very talented actor writer stand-up comedian and a good France he is also and this is true one of the best nightclub comics working anywhere today he is an actor oh and an author of a book it says here which is destined to become a best-seller it's a good friend and an extremely funny man please welcome Jay Leno please welcome Jay Leno ladies and gentlemen mr. Jay Leno [Music] [Applause] now in addition to doing your little comedy skits what do you call them skit skit skit chunks you go from town to town you ever do anything in your spare time to raise astute businessman yeah and with today's leaner trimmer business fresher yeah one has to try to have his maximum yield from his little capitalist box I realize to show people like yourself terms like yield and capital can be confusing but what I'm working on now is basically at home businesses chances you talking about unemployment is where that's right make money at home or in 300 dollars inspection this is Rob meant the income dramatic demonstration I'll show you for example this is based on have you ever seen that smokers toothpaste I believe I have do you need an ashtray for this now see this embarrassing stain Oh normally this would be a ruined handkerchief that's right but you can turn these embarrassing stains into beautiful designer stains can unbelievable work of art you gotta be careful cause you can get emphysema doing that but of course it's at your anniversary I had a little something extra made here for you I thought you might get a kick out of this one here as you can see there it says David on it oh that's very nice right over there you want to put the UN extinguisher out there well I don't know let's there you go thank you very much what what else is on it are you smoking that what else is on your mind I know you always come to town you're just my beef of the week just bulging with beef I'm plenty mad just time oh is that right yeah man why are these big stars through these sleazy and Sherin SADS Oh like who you know the ones I mean are you 50 to 80 and thinking about life insurance what eighty year old guy is just thinking about life you know honey the children are in their sixties now they say we'll pay you $50 a day cash now that's cash paid directly to you boy it's nice to know if you need major brain surgery all the finances are well taken care of you want to put an extra stitch in my head doc I'm getting 50 a day designer jeans designer geez very mad at designer Jean now they have designer jeans for children and they don't even call them children anymore they call them young singles Tommy's 9 he's looking for action I don't think Tommy should have sex until he can set up a strains correct yeah we yeah we gotta go away here for a station identification Jay and I and Tommy will be back here right after this [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] turn back to the program gentleman Deborah Harry is here tonight and also Dave's Talent Search in the wings tomorrow on this program with a comedian Carol Leifer whom you know very good kameez here tonight it's a mix-up and she showed up at night early yes we're going for Chinese food ready really where do you go where where do you go she's on oh can you get Chinese food in New York we should have come prepared also tomorrow night the author of your money back or your money back you money back Alvin L Cobb Alvin L cough will be here tomorrow night and Friday night the big anniversary special we have a Friday night yeah and it'll be a lot of fun yeah yeah yes it'll be a great what else is bothering you like what's bothering me what's my beef I don't know I just get embarrassed when you the people from other countries may come here and see things on our TV and tell people about him back home there's one that is always stuck in my craw David mm-hmm Tang the breakfast drink that went to the moon he got a man like Neil Armstrong the man trains for 20 years of his life he's the first human to walk on the moon for God's sakes by the guy a glass of orange juice oh yeah give him a 6 and a half cents serving a Tang no one do we have no space program y'all go to Mars what are you gonna give me cup of soup [Laughter] yeah yeah yeah now what about anything new on television do you like I know last time your honor you told us about your new favorite program math Houston no Matt Houston great show about a millionaire that's a private detective on the side you see a lot of that yeah I like the old guys Wild Kingdom is still my favorite how old is this guy I seen pictures of him at Walter Brennan's graduation see I like I like Wild Kingdom cuz Marlin Perkins always tries to make you think he's up to his ears in danger some danger watching the show one week in the background I see an old lion go by with a popcorn box on his ear the Lions got pyuria and bedroom slippers on there's two kids I got jumper cables out I'm trying to get him to roar [Laughter] see the best part the best part about Wild Kingdom or any show is what they call the predator and the prey sequence you know that action shot they'll show some vast plain it's real quiet here that gratuitous and you see the rabbit playing Marilyn and then the tiger the predator looming dude Marlin always can end up we just happened to catch this rare piece of exciting think about this the guy's got a half-hour show and he goes all the way to Africa with a union crew Peggy's guys triple time to sit in the middle of woods going boy I hope something goes down right here Bobby bring me the box of rabbits Jim the tiger ready [Music] yeah when I was that way it was this animal farm we used to go to when we were kids with these pet and feed things you forgot us oh yeah we can feed animals 24 hours a day this is great if you're an animal have popcorn ran but in every office of your body by children no face on this side from 15 years of children growing nice range you know is it the worst circus animals oh yeah I always feel so like the elephants you know they never just bring the elephants out for the children to enjoy they always have to embarrass the elephant in front of the kids you know they always put the elephant in a stupid party hat it's got to stand a little stool going gonna make matters where as the element has to walk for a half hour in a circle there's nose and the elephant's rear end you know I talked to go to work of eating with your nose and the guy in front of you gotta walk around the circle and the same thing is a lot of these elephants are trying to get into legitimate theater it really is sad so you be at the Lone Star I'll be at the Lone Star tomorrow night yeah then I'll be in the real world down to San Antonio and then Austin Jesus nice to see you good seeing it in ladies and gentlemen you [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the program ladies and gentlemen and we're really humming right along tonight we have a fine show just a car for Norris mcworter and my first guest has often called himself the funniest man in America now if you'd like to form your own opinion he'll be appearing for the next two weeks at Caroline's a club right here in New York City excuse me please welcome mr. Jay Leno let me have Caroline's for two weeks I'll be at Caroline's for two weeks you're gonna come down this time only if I'm invited I was I was there once before you came down Robin Williams the boy is in a band of coming now actually I found something here that the boys in the band are coming you mean the party boys of rock and roll are coming you know the party boys of rock and roll did a record that I have here a number of years ago it's a pretty rare copy it's become kind of a cult classic they're only about three or four hundred pressings of it I don't know if you've a lot of people of me that's called Paul Shaffer sings the best of the penthouse letters I mean listen I mean listen to some of these songs dominating step sister one leg to stand on here's my favorite the album album version of spanked for something I didn't even do yeah become kind of a cult classic now is this possible when was the last time you were on this television program I was here about a month and a half ago and I haven't been home since that is it isn't that awful not awful Dave not for us comedy foot soldiers we're out there in the trenches you know I'm not one of your big-time comedy generals with some cushy desk job we're in the trenches doing the closing the battle yeah oh boy now what do you what do you do to keep yourself occupied on the road well you know being on the road because you you do things when you were on the road you never get any of the comedy club no see it's funny you know in the comedy clubs first started they had regular names you know Austin comedy clubs the comedy works those kind of places now they all have comedy names in the last six weeks I've been at Joker's giggles tickles Ho Hos haha what are you doing the road you watch you watch TV a lot of TV if you don't want it's regular to you how do you get what time do you get up in the morning you get up like about let's say 11:30 you read the whole paper yeah I mean the whole paper you know the kind of thing we go look at this tuna casserole with a graham cracker crust you were across the streets and it was like you get up you go down the lobby you look at your watch was it 130 Brady Bunch's on it too but it's nice coming here here is fun yeah here you stand a nice hotel the fabulous Berkshire with the Berkshire it's a Dunphy classic it's a very hip it's a very hip hotel in fact the Gideon Bible in the room has cable listings which you don't know pretty hip see I like to go down to the lobby of the Berkshire this into the old man tell tales of the sea you know it's a kind of hotel with a bellhop scopes Spanish Fly governor no but it's a nice no yeah now these are just jokes you might want to identify these because right now the Dunphy lawyers come they're fabulous yeah it's a nice place well you know it's nice you're in this city like couple weeks ago I was at Oklahoma City now is a great club but you're not in the city you're in the suburbs you know you stay in these hotels and are on the highway right you know the kind of hotels where you you know their motels you know you open your doing it's like baby so it's good to be back in the Big Apple oh it's great it's fun to be back here especially a Caroline cuz that's kind of a it's like a hip New York technical yeah I was a pretty impressive clientele they get down there folks all dressed up and slopes I felt they had adults down there yeah scared me now how'd your motorcycle collection your antique motorcycle play I haven't seen it this time we have to pause for a commercial Jay but you can you stay with us and it's a bit unorthodox all right [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] follow them back to the program ladies and gentlemen Jay Leno is here and later tonight we're gonna bust more stuff with a steamroller what is the the big problem for you on the road aside from occupying yourself during the day well you know when you work these comedy clubs they always meet a lot of young comedians you know they all say the same thing you know how do you get on late-night and you know how can I you know this is the true because they always say how can I find out if my jokes are appropriate for the show or if dave has done the job before even if it's a good joke I was talking with Robert Morton your talent coordinator and he was kind enough to lend me the book which is I guess more or less become the Bible of the industry it should be on the Shelf it certainly is a big volume isn't it yeah this of course would be late nights big little book of overdone hackneyed comedy premises oh yeah that really is the Bible now the book contains for example what do you think the most hackneyed overdone comedy premise would be beats me let's look up anything to do with dining out no that would be can you imagine if et landed in my neighborhood another big one with anything with McNuggets IEC where are the McNuggets in the chicken that would be a big one bet huh can you imagine this guy at home is also very popular you know this is where you take a famous person preferably a sports figure and you do a bit about him being at home you know here come the potatoes oh my gosh yeah let's look up types of performers for example what do you think the most obnoxious type of performer would be here it is right here the most obnoxious type that of course would be the wacky duo are you familiar with them the wacky wacky do it says two Caucasian males mid to late-20s no apparent ethnic heritage the way this works is one guy comes out you've seen the wacky do like I'm out thank you ladies and gentlemen both my partner and I are thrilled to be held meanwhile the pot is gone another big one would be let's see oh oh and here's one I know you like the Impressionists who just returned from the Hollywood party you know this guy yeah you see these were very big on shows for number years this is a guy who comes out and he says thank you ladies and gentlemen recently I just had the good fortune to be in Hollywood and went to a party attended by some of our biggest stars it went something like this then the guy mess up is here come back look exactly the same you know I wouldn't mind if these people could rearrange a DNA structure and maybe you know you know come back as a crustacean or something it seems like such a waste to me well thank goodness it's in this book well that's all right here certainly in the volume so any young comedians again that want to do the show should contact the staff and probably go through the book I think it's the best way to know what are you going to be doing to occupy yourself now you got two weeks in New York City oh I'm having a fabulous time here in New York it's amazing how they've cleaned up that Time Square area and I think if God does not destroy Times Square he really owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology I'm a very religious group we have I like at least they're trying to keep inflation down here near this is the only major city in America where you can still see a movie for 25 cents for mature adult yeah only yeah most mature adult Stan little booth with their pants at their ankles watching movies I mean God forbid if some immature person should somehow slip past security [Laughter] sure there's some psychological profile testing for your admitted to the premises yeah now when are you going to get home again I'm not home till June is that right I'm going back to your hometown I'll be I'm doing Indianapolis Speedway they'll be at that cracker called speed we called Speed Week which alludes to the race not to again a more popular thing weekend no no I know that but it's no they don't call it speed they call it speed it's the wonder what are the dates the day what is it the 25th or something through the 31st then I'll go back to one of my favorite cities Austin what do they call it there they call it Austin they don't have a race there oh I don't I don't think they call it Speed Week in Indianapolis no yes no no no no they have that they have the Speed Week I said sure now I admit among the hip lingo among us Road guys is probably speeding to an armchair general like yourself I imagine the big race well maybe I've been out of the game too long everywhere Pittsburgh it's pretty like Indianapolis when you go there I have a good time there because I meet all these people you know I know you and they bring me embarrassing photos and things of you they tell me heartwarming stories at the time you help their cat oh it's a good town I like it that's why I'm going back speed we go Speed Week Jay Leno ladies and gentlemen you know him you love him you can't live without him we'll be right back food fun stuff stuff with the steamroller after the game you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the show before I bring up mr. Leno again my thanks to everyone who writes this program and we certainly appreciate your cooperation there my first guest tonight now if this is true this is unbelievable ladies and gentlemen he has been on the road for an incredible 132 days and if you live in the vicinity of West Orange New Jersey and who doesn't he he will be appearing there this weekend at Rascals comedy club please ladies and gentlemen a warm welcome through the road-weary mr. Jay Leno okay let me let me ask you about this an incredible 132 days and 32 days how do you do that well that's not so much how David it's why I guess I guess I do it mostly for the young people you know well a lot of people don't realize that in 1981 the Russians had a comedian out for almost 150 days and I want to show that American comedian can survive on the road and hopefully bring the record back to this country that's all right you're okay in my book pal that's tough 132 days 32 now this means a lot of hotels a lot of movies in fact I've seen just about every movie this summer that's been you know what I haven't seen I haven't seen this new James Bond film I'm having a lot of trouble with the title okay you know I feel like I'm in eighth grade again you know I always go to one of these many cinemas where it's six screens and there's always some elderly nice-looking lady they would blue hair and I do what movie son yeah octave the octave you have a ton of the Jedi we'll be okay some kind of genetic defect me buddy that's that's uh well somebody if my dad couldn't say you know I called my daddy so what'd you do I took your mother the movies this weekend what'd you say we saw the actor thing there we see the thing that makes me manage whatever a movie is big they always try to make a TV show out of it the next year like ABC's got this thing coming on on the fall GaN DPI have you seen Gandhi pa but a guy who tries to catch criminals by not eating the whole thing [Music] lose the whole spear they got Raymond burrs gun [Laughter] well you look good I mean thank you it's a very prosperous looking suit you have one this is my old Willy Loman outfit you were in Indianapolis for the 500 ticket for you didn't show well I was never invited with you know what happened to me at the Indy this is real embarrassing I don't call it the indeed it's the Indianapolis 500 the greatest spectacle and racing my friend gene Bronstein right so we're watching the race and I said let's walk around the pits while the race is going on so we go by we go by this thing and they they have it says get your picture taken in $100,000 Indy car right so I said did you know come on let's get our picture tanked we push all these nine and ten year old together and we client was sitting in the car and the guy takes up picture he says you guys want to post yeah give us a post of the whole bit like 20 bucks and he puts it in a big box like this it says ice at $100,000 Endicott says it's not a sidewalk so we go back to us eating watching the race and the race is over and one of the guys says oh genuinely I saw you on TV but hey you want to come back and meet the winners I said oh this is a great post yeah Tom Stephen we go back as Tom's even Mario Andretti all these big races and they're talking and they see me stand there this is so embarrassing it's so embarrassing these guys say when I went into the corner about 106 miles an hour and they look at me and I'm standing there holding the box and I said oh it's amazing I haven't I haven't been to one in years I'd like to go back I was a problem with this invitation it never came and that must have been it yeah now you you've crossed crisscross the country many times J what when you out there what what really gets you upset about this country what's my beef yeah what did you tell you you know what you know I tell you I go to Pittsburgh and you meet steel workers I don't work and I go to Detroit you ought to workers I know you like to go down to the unemployment office in your free time and kind of wish wish the guys well yeah amazing managed to meet people in this country that work hard and can't get anywhere and other people get paid a lot of money for stupid jobs I'm driving my car there there turn on the radio and I hear this guy say eat delicious cling peaches a message from the California cling peach advisory board the cling peaches visor eboard what kind of job who would even call a queen peach advisory board yeah mr. Johnson there's a man on line nine he wants to have cling peaches with cornflakes yeah I got no problem with that we have to pause here to hose ourselves down we'll be back to continue chatting with jail [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the same one yeah this man in the handsome suit witness about a $400 suit isn't it oh well it's a nice it's a blend I think it went yeah very nice piece of clothing hey welcome back to the show I mean welcome back to the show now Jay what else is bothering you and your travels you know David I brought a piece of film with me as I said I was in Detroit night you know I got annoyed of people that say that you know the Americans don't build a car as good as some other country so I bought a piece of film that I think will help well just explain the way of a lot of Americans feel I think it expresses the sentiment Boston all right bring us some video you know once you get where you're going in Boston your problem is really only half solved then you gotta find a parking space and among a lot of Swank Bostonians the fashionable thing now is to get one of those wimpy little foreign cars you know the kind of can zing in and out of those tight little spaces me I like to create my own space that's why I Drive an american-made vehicle a real vehicle like this baby here I can kind of bully my way around what's that in front of me a little Japanese car here's a present from my cousin in Detroit [Laughter] [Music] now don't get me wrong I don't mean to implied it the Japanese don't make a good vehicle Justin well like a lot of people I feel safer in a heavy American car I can show up to Boston called the great the first bar mean the first Boston driving test at Leon sometime in August that's a little clip from it yeah where did you actually drive that thing that thing weighs 56 tons I mean I I said that I run over it yep you actually mashed the car yourself yeah what's great about it's not Union so if there's somebody in the car doesn't make no problem now I know you like watching a lot of television and you're another one I got the a-team now I guess have you seen this sure that's know that's a big NBC yeah big NBC sure that bothers me about the a-team boy you missed the first two or three minutes it's so hard to follow the rest of that I was intricate yeah what's the premise of the show you got these veterans what wrongly accused of a crime I don't know we got mr. t with the stripe down his head you got Peppard with the white hair you got the beautiful woman the three male models riding in the back there in a black van with a red stripe a wing on the top the things jacked up and the cops are going we can't find him this is the the time of year when a lot of performers performers go out and work affairs I don't know anything i used to do fast I used to work a Midway really those are rough Arthur I work Milwaukee fest at a Midway once and like you're standing there and just people walk by oh I just you know what I used to do I used to do cheap carnivals you ever do those the kind of carnivals that pull into a town like they take over the Kmart parking lot I mean you know and all the rides are on the back of trucks they're on they always leave the trucks running in case they kill a kid and they got to get better you know the teacups are going around there's a big greasy change with links missing out of them yeah you actually work those I work those things yeah the guys running the rides are nice-looking oh yeah they also have people on some kind of prison work for a little put their children on these rides the guys are going nice-looking boy I guess foolin Anna is up in Maine yesterday I was up in Maine Kennebunkport that was applicator blackboard hey I was at the port gardens in Jamie's in Chicago you know what I made a machine so Chicago's Ames Ville Ohio no no that's in Zanies in Chicago I said nobody it's not in Janesville no and I want to thank the owner of Vito's Amy what he had a dream of opening a club and he did you know what's annoying about when you fly but I you see the gift catalog you get oh sure the comes in the monthly airline so yeah it's your American Airlines gift catalog and I'm looking through it and they have gifts like a 26-inch color TV who would buy a color TV from American Airlines I mean besides paying full wrist lists and wait in 18 weeks for delivery what are you doing this thing breaks drag it down to baggage claim that's tough Jay congratulations on your string of 132 days in two more weeks they go to Rascals this weekend than the Aladdin hotel in Las Vegas next week and on the week after that laughs unlimited when you rest up come on back and see us all right I shall do that [Applause] [Music] you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's the finest band now working anywhere in the free world and key guys all key guys in their own right my first guest tonight is a very good friend of ours he hasn't been here in a while when was the last time you were here we understand from our staff that he was with us about four weeks ago a very funny young man and we're always happy that he'll be here oh he's gonna be at the holiday house in Monroe Pennsylvania so start renting those buses now I'm sorry you're right it's Monroeville my apologies the holiday house in Monroeville Pennsylvania obviously a man with a piece of the holiday house here in our audience tonight please welcome back mr. Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] how are you I'm Steve no what's the matter these Russians say they didn't do it they say they didn't know it yeah like lying like kids you know your back him into a corner was like well maybe a giant did it you know you know what's scary about this whole thing they said that over the weekend that Reagan had met with some of his senior advisors [Laughter] guys from the bull moose party yeah I can say Gary notion I saw something in the Enquirer and I read all papers the National Enquirer had an article this is the mayor just amazing me on movie stars salaries and it said that Burt Reynolds makes like 5 million a year you know on wait 5 million and Wayne Newton makes like 8 million air but they had one I couldn't believe it said it's at Carroll O'Connor when he was doing all in the family was making two hundred and three thousand dollars a week you know I don't grudge the guy the money cuz if you can make that kind of money great but how do you negotiate a deal for two hundred and three thousand dollars I mean that's this way does your guys sit down with that guy that guy says alright we're prepared to pay your client two hundred thousand dollars a week come on the man's gotta eat I can't go back with an offer like [Music] pulling teeth trying to get a nickel at it yeah I don't I don't buy it I when I'm standing there in line my cruiser chirps yeah it's always eye-level no matter how tall you want that's my favorite story and then I should acquire this is it you may have seen this killer bees are on their way to the United States from South America killer bees there were not enough problems as it is some ex-nazi scientists from Brazil across the honeybee with a Doberman Pinscher like gangs of young tough bees and leather jackets terrorizing women hey sweetheart [Laughter] [Music] make the noise again no get a nice tight shot of Jason you may not make the noise like a model airplane you ever had one those gas planes in your kid this is a serious question the last time you were here and I understand was about a month ago that's right yeah we're friends remember good friends sure you came out and you were dressed like a guy a floorwalker at Sears you said to me the last time you said why don't you wear the clothes you wear around town on the show yeah now what should you feel more comfortable in the little double knit suit or this wasn't a double Mitsui Napoleon and the only guys wearing those double-breasted blazes this is my bike close your buy clothes now you have a little different here tonight too no it's the same hair it's just I know but I'm what anyway this all leads me to the point today I think you look very nice tonight why thank you so you're going on vacation huh you've been on vacation my wife and I took the bike out a little no do you really have your wife travel with you on the motorcycle yeah does she like that no strange we went up around it's always happens you know whenever I go home like and take like July off and friends some you know back east whatever come visit me whenever people come to visit me in California I always take em up you know up around Mulholland up in the mountains yeah and it's so bizarre cuz I always think of this whenever I'm in New York whenever friends from the south or the Midwest or the northern part of California come down I always take them to this place we can see you know real high up they all look over the cliff and they all say something like boy isn't this beautiful isn't this lovely and look at the water whatever friends from the east especially my New York friends they all think about man they always look over the cliff they all say something like you know you could kill a guy here man you never just enjoy the view now when you're on your bike you go out you frightened tourists don't you you go around frightening tourists I'll bet you by the time we dug up your lawn yeah we got to do a commercial JB I'll wait here you'll make the noise for us when we come back well I don't know all right we'll be right back a jail [Music] [Applause] we got the biggest revisited most powerful women air full power everything sure hi welcome back to the show Jay Leno is here and later oh this is you like this man Frank Mundus oh I guess he's quite a guy he'll be out a little bit later now Jay what are you doing what we're in New York City what else besides a good time show you know my wife's with me this time so we went down look my wife we always buy Christmas cards ahead of time we went down the village today I you ever try and buy Christmas cards in the village no it's unbelievable was I excuse me you have any cards that don't have male buttocks on them please hey Dave really you know somehow somehow nude Santa's leapfrogging each other hmm are you working a lot of where you're going up to Monroeville pencil I've been everywhere I've been in New Mexico these nice clubs nice saloon I was in New Mexico's working the kind of clubs in New Mexico that when you go out in the parking lot there's always two girls sitting on a fender and one of them's always saying something like I know Bobby didn't mean to hit me yeah yeah yeah you know what's so strange whenever I go to these comedy clubs I'm always working with a new guy some new pits always like me and some kid that's been in the business we you're the big guy coming into the town and the new guys all look up to you don't think no you know you're on TV so they usually put you with some local guy or some guy from out of town you can always spot the new guys because they always put you in these comedy condos you know some are very nice some are nice but the guys are the new guys you can always spot I'm like I was in this place in Oklahoma City working with this new kid and I'm in there I'm in the kitchen I'm cooking a piece of chicken having a glass of milk I look over this kid he's eating a quater ice cream with crunched-up chip ahoy cookies in it mmm a bag of Fritos it says to him first time on the road these guys ask you for advice too they meet you at the airport this is like professional wrestlers traveling from town to town on the road I could thank you thinking boy and let him in would love this is it is it what is it harder when I find it I used to do a little of it and they always kind of frightened me oh it's great I like it the people you meet you meet characters you meet strange people it's great I love it I really like that I have a good time what about irritations you always seem to be a guy who is bothered you know you know my beef was like half funny half serious I always wonder what people think if they came to this country went to the movies movies I've seen some movie woman in the movies now is either a teenage cheerleader or a hooker you know it's like guys watching these movie this movie on cable Yemenite beach girls and it's great because you movies are always written by men and the men always say only the nudity is an integral part of the filter you couldn't have the story without the nudity I'm watching this one the other night they got a scene three nude girls on a trampoline eating bananas you don't have to be Freud to figure this one violent Sun I see what is it the PTA this week voted what was it the AAP the most violent I think that's a violent show yeah which is not really fair cuz if you have kids you realize the most violent thing on TV as well cartoons cartoons if you are a five-year-old kid you watch cartoons all day and I think this is a reasonable analogy children think if you take a stick of dynamite put under a dog's tail and set it off the dog's eyes you're noises are getting better I don't remember that one being that good work on these noise let me see you try I won't do it if you try to do it I'll try to do it I was like I'll try the other one the the eyes noise I'll try that one I wanna see you do a dynasty is dr. Cameron Ashley a driving force in the American theater what about to any new fall shows you're interested in no fall shows I've been seeing this one for this we got it made yeah it's about a guy here's another thing it's the same thing they hire this incredibly beautiful girl as a maid right why don't they have a show where they hire an incredibly intelligent girl have someone like Margot meet is the maid you know this way this way the guys could sit around going so what you're saying is because of the prehensile feet the monkey is able to hold things and climb at the same time I didn't know I didn't know that Biff now where you gonna be working I know you wanted to mention a couple of things I go to the is that a nice place that's a real nice place next week I'm doing one night in Delaware at the comedy cabaret then I go to the comma really what city in Delaware Wilmington Delaware yeah and I told you that the same place I was going back to another place sure yeah so things are good for you all right come on I'm kind of the Johnny Appleseed of comedy you're out there out there getting laughs from the truth Jay nice to see you thank you look at our mystery box [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Music] [Music] welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen tomorrow on this program actor Martin Sheen will be joining us also Tony Randall will be here and animal expert Warren next time will join us my next guest opens tomorrow evening at the Pittsburgh comedy club located in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania please welcome an extremely funny man Jay Leno Jay [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well that threatened a pilot strike you know and then I saw on the news that the Russian pilots are now honoring the strike did you see that yeah apparently they're refusing to shoot down any continental planes and Phyllis yeah kind of an interesting turn there yeah I just this was in my dressing room uh-huh we provide a little reading metaphor the essence is last week's TV Guide you know in it this really proves that were a nation of intellectuals did you see last week's issue Three's Company what is it really trying to tell us you know it's a shame Buckminster Fuller died before he had a chance no I've been pretty busy pretty good yeah it's just our luck and it says at the top hip new comedy I guess has to make sure we all know Miles Davis is gonna be watching that one yeah you got Manimal is he offering well this is a good show for kids cuz it teaches kids rather than relate to one another just turn into a cougar and rip their face off yeah then you got some of some of them I don't understand I got this one whiz kids haven't seen a bunch of bed-wetters I don't know [Applause] what is it really trying to tell us yeah where'd you come in trolling you came in from Louisville Kentucky then I was in West Virginia how do they pronounce it down there Louisville or Louisville Oh Louisville I think we're not in race week again again no no no but these are interesting regionalisms is it Louisville Louisville its Louisville I think that's a severe diphthong yes it's Louisville and then I was in West Virginia just came back for my nation's capital Washington DC you've been there sure boy that's really a pretty city lovely it's a real showplace and you like just two blocks from the White House you have 14th Street unfamiliar with that no well this is kind of nice for visitors because it gives people from other countries a chance to see all the pornography available to America you know you see you know it's so funny it's not like straight pornography they always try to make it sound like they're appealing to some other like they always have signs like we sell marital AIDS you know I love with these people to find us a marital aid I mean somehow to me a 4-foot vibrator that takes 30 D size batteries this is a jackhammer rather a small woman you sure won't kill her with this box apply not it's not ul approved I'm certainly not gonna buy one that has Taiwan spelled wrong No another thing I saw the inflatable party doll you ever seen one of these uh only that night at your place this is a dumb and take home they blow it up it looks like a girl they can do it any way they want with this thing I mean in this amazing I mean 2,000 years of civilization man has progressed to the point of sleeping with balloons like he had on the side of the boxes she's just like oh real how many real women you know sleep like this that your all-purpose County I always call them not many items no to me and now with ham it's a hand bus or a flower that's query water it's not a whip with nails you know and but in all fairness now you're talking about Washington DC having this problem most major cities not even the place it's the way they like here in New York this some swingers place called Plato's retreat yeah you know I mean Plato I mean here's a man the father of modern philosophy I mean after studying at the feet of Socrates am I supposed to believe this guy went home and they'd love with eight people on a shag carpet ears from now the Margaret Mead House of discipline you know what I did see I did not make this up this is an actual product a thing called edible underwear anybody know I'm talking about I do not all right comes in different flavors right am i lying is strawberry orange and all surprisingly the veal parmesan is quite good you see do you know the sad thing I mean the sad thing about a product like edible underwear at all seriously after a couple years of marriage or a lot of guys that are just not romantic you know women go out buy this stuff they take it home and make themselves look very attractive they put on the edible underwear they get into bed guy gets into bed eats the underworld thanks on it in fact now they have the edible underwear for men did you know this no I didn't miss a day that day bag right now I'm wearing the Swanson big man boxer shorts extra helping of potatoes one of the ugliest images now we're gonna go we're gonna go away but we'll be right back - yes I know it's what do you say hi Leigh it's a bit unorthodox right but we'll we'll be right back with Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] nice to see you Jake no good to be back we always whenever you're on the show we come to a a portion of your presentation what do you call this little skit I call it totally ad-lib material what things that are bothering you I don't know say it said what's my beef yeah boy I saw one you know you see things on TV they're just irresponsible I saw an ad the other night impulse body spray hissing this woman's spray it on and the guy says so ladies don't be surprised if a man you've never even met before suddenly comes up to you and gives you flowers I mean he said women don't meet enough more mystery here's a license for every psycho in the world my cause the gut yeah I see the guy in the end Oh $50 haircut hundred dollar slacks some investment banker driving a Ferrari come on knees are not the men that approach women on the street huh I need to know what kind of guys we're talking about some sodomite with a severe discharge you know the kind of gut the kind of guy that thinks selling plasma once a week is job secured and then you got the tasters choice where do they get these couples and tasted choice have you seen these couples that are just too sorry to live these my favorite is that one is like four o'clock in the morning the wife is sitting outside the husband says honey all right how you doing I'm just thinking about awesome life and the kids I'll make a pot of coffee it's only four o'clock in the morning yeah I know when I gotta get up in three-and-a-half hours nothing like a couple of pots of steamy coffee Haggard doughnuts do it [Music] yeah but I'm on the road again yeah I'm working do you ever ever work any foreign countries you ever go overseas I know you did you go to England yeah I go to England next month I was in Japan I open a new club over there row dance comedy club I'm very pop you know I'm more popular in Japan than I am here is that right well you know it's funny it's like I'll give you some you know like when Sinatra goes to Vegas they just put Frank people know you know or like even Jerry Lewis when he goes to France I don't even put his name - just put the king is here and people know that Jerry's here when I go to Japan they don't put anything in the paper okay and this is the clue to let people know that I'm there so you're pretty well cover this oh yeah no what were you gonna be in the next a couple of weeks well my go to Pittsburgh tomorrow then Tuesday I'm in Buffalo New York give it up there and everybody table you know the TRO fyodor club up there a great club what is the whole one with a little chicken wings Tralfamadore club eyebrow fowl Medora this is your guru you know if your tape a penny to your tongue then I go to say knees I told you about Vito zany the owner the Chicago family you gonna be working at Westport yeah well that's great well that's up near you you can come visit me in position oh and Nick say Nick say David this is David Letterman is this mr. bus nice to talk with you sir where are you phoning from tonight Albany and how are things up there sir well I guess how many how many years left you have in school two years and three quarters so I guess it's a nice feeling to know that financially you're pretty well taken care of isn't it yeah well I'll tell you how so we just spoke with your girlfriend Janine she's a lovely young lady by the way congratulations you must be very happy and she mentioned she mentioned that the two of you had gone together to purchase some communication stock yeah do you know what happened to the stock David well I used to have it it went up we are folded and then it are plummeted [Applause] it plummeted huh yeah but it must have given you some satisfaction knowing that you no longer owned the stock at that point huh yeah David I get some I got some ugly news for you well you know the communication stock that plummeted you're still the proud owner of several shares and the options does he have it all Janine oh yes your hue got at all sir well I I'm sorry to ruin your evening because because there was a mixup yeah that's it it was it was an excess I'm sorry David they weren't sold Janine bless her heart did the best she could but [Music] that would steam two different reasons I David I tell you what I'm gonna put you on hold and you can talk to Janine and iron all of this out and believe me things will be better and don't worry about a thing all right oh my goodness all right we're gonna do a commercial and we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] my first guest tonight we're always happy when he shows up but where does the last time J was here it's been a couple of months or so I'm glad he's back thank you very much he will be appearing this very weekend in Jacksonville Florida at the Thunderbird Hotel ladies and gentlemen that's right a very good friend of ours please welcome mr. Thunderbird Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so embarrassing this is so stupid everybody does it it's just embarrassing when you get caught you ever you were singing in the car and the elevator when you're alone here I mean no no for you oh no man you're up for the show I'm excited I get in the elevator I start singing I don't see this guy standing behind me see but my problem is when I'm alone I never seen anything hip you know you're always saying like the stupidest lowest-common-denominator song you know I get in the elevator I said I'll see this guy behind me I press Lobby you know I start singing oh let me tell you a story about a man named Jay hey yeah I got off on 19 I'll walk down good to see you again yeah good to be back how was your Christmas looks like you did all right in the closed apart my Christmas was marred no I'm sorry about that you know how big is this show show just got picked up yeah made your Network feel this show is seen literally by one hundreds of people across the country of Detroit look at this look at this this is the Christmas card that I got this is the actual card I got from the Letterman Show can you see this a cheap memy a graft farm huh and the thing that annoyed me was the care and the time I took to choose the card that I sent to you and I brought it here because I wanted people to see it okay here is the card that I sent [Applause] - that cheap thing in fact if you want to put it on your desk it's suitable for anything in fact the picture comes out if you want to say that so it's pretty nice it's a lovely thing I that's another copy oh that's my guru those belts for the World Heavyweight Championship well that's that's lovely J thank you very much I'm sorry so what I'll say aside from this oversight did you have a nice Christmas had a good crisp up here did your dad have a play Santa when you were a kid at Christmas no dad no no nothing now where'd you grow up Kiev well no dad never played Santa he would occasionally would dress up like a jockey but that was a different see my dad my dad was a great Santa right until they came to Christmas Eve and then he choked in the clutch you know cuz he would always tease you never you know you know you're nine years old I want to just lion-o train with the you know with the coal car and your crossing guard my dad comes in oh maybe if Santa if you behave then Christmas Eve comes you know and you're a kid and you you know you're trying to sleep you know I'm thinking I can't get this damn thing together it doesn't wake the boys that you said I shut the hell up up there he cut down Christmas morning when Santa got mad he throw it against the wall all right that's kind of an ugly memories a little blood but this was a good crisp you get a lot of stuff got wait a minute you're a successful talented world famous comedian what what could you possibly could somebody possibly give to you that my wife gave me a new clutch for my motorcycle which is good you know what it is no wait a minute you bought a Ducati a Ducati now what does it do Kyle what's it Ducati real men rides ookay you know you know little men that hit balls with sticks don't you know about bikes and things like this well I I know that you have some Katya is an Italian bike anyway I go down the Registry of Motor Vehicles to put it on the road now this is an annoying thing you know whatever you wear a helmet and a leather jacket people know you ride a motorcycle what do they think you're doing well let me explain people always feel obligated to come up to you and tell you some horrible motorcycle incident you know that I'm standing there to read your minding my own business guy backing me says hey you ride a bike again I said yeah yeah yeah my cousin I'm on them things drove head-on into a threshing machine yeah he won't be shaving for a while I said well thanks for the tip I'll try and stay out of the farm bill I don't know we listen we got to go away JB you can hang around for a while all right okay I'll be back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Halon oh the all-american boy is here again tonight now J you of course when you're home it's in Los Angeles oh yeah back there later lately yeah I was my I just came from there you know they Garin up for the Olympics now which is gonna be a madhouse oh I'm real excited about that this is what I need more people from Guam asking me how to get to Disneyland let's face it it's already a mecca for every nutball wingding flake head in the world as it is what do we do we throw a convention for the you know the worst part about the Olympics is this Olympic advertising come on Wonder Bread the official supplier of the US Olympic team give me a break weather uses stuff to run on the only way Wonder Bread could help the Olympic team is if you take a slice of it put it in your shoe and use it as an odor eater all right now even mcdonald's is in on this mcdonald's has a special olympic package but they claim are they stress rather in the edge that it's for mcdonald customers only there's a pretty exclusive club you know that's gonna open a lot of doors I am sorry Monsieur this event is restricted yeah I'm you know why do they get those kids at work there huh you ever look in the window see the semi humanoids again they all have that glazed over minimum-wage look and they function normally until you want something out of the ordinary you know I thought that's that that help you yeah I'd like the filet-o-fish sandwich but without cheese now somebody's programmed them to make suggestions have you had this happen they suggest things that you might like with your meal got like a large order of fries yes sir and would you like some fries with that [Laughter] I would like some fries what an exciting meal alternative now Jay every time you're on the show you always have something that's eating at you you know beef you mean what does your have been riding me something it's been needling me you know I was thinking about this situation in Lebanon all right now now seriously what do we do look how we handle it we send over the best people we have we send over our best Marines and the other side sends these crazy suicidal Shiite Muslim guys it's true why don't we bring back the Marines send them our crazy guys you put a couple of bombs on Manson and Hinckley you put them in a pit well well-spoken Jack thank you now what about TV Danny you know madam ole is backing on I guess thanks to the pressure in this show now do you see this CBS has got a new one on crustacean man have you heard about that this is about a young marine biologist it says here who apparently through a series of freak accidents is able to turn himself into a land crab when he fights crime on the posh beaches of San Tropez animal let me read about that one animal yeah I don't know I don't know it sounds real stirred said see a story of a young woman named Anna who through a series of freak accidents marries French film director Louis Malle I don't know if this I didn't know my job you know I like about these shows the best any of these shows is the epilogue watching a Charlie's Angel the a-team the epilogue well the main function of the epilogue primarily is to explain the program to those people too stupid to figure out you know they always have that at the end they all sit around at a cafe or something so when he hit him in the face with the axe hey wait a minute that would be murder wouldn't it look that's right Bob oh so now you're gonna you're gonna be working the Thunderbird Oh Thunderbird I got my my schedule with me right here Dave let's take a look see where we are laughs unlimited yeah then Tony T's in San Leandro comedy gallery Atlanta punch I'm everywhere dudes all right you know this can even out stuff it is unbelievable it should be a pretty good tour so Jay listen don't stay away so long no no I'll be back and have a good New Year's [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Paul Shaffer and the orchestra thanks Paul we got a great show for you tonight our first two guests it's always a treat to have him here he is one of the hardest-working comedians in all of show business he will be appearing this week right here in New York City at Caroline's and next week he will be at the funny bone in Pittsburgh it's always a pleasure to welcome mr. comedy Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the green room what do you got there this week's copy a TV Guide yeah you know you know what the guy at the newsstand said you know this is the biggest magazine in America I mean there are people that consider this reading yeah are you coming to bed in a couple of hours honey I just want to see who's on cross wits all week Tim have you seen that new slogan you need TV Guide because TVs getting more complicated every day boy you know there are people staying up nights auntie's we'd like to watch the a-team we just don't have the educational background enjoy the program are you a UH you a fan of the a-team David I've only seen it a couple of times but gosh you're really enjoyable with those with those surprise endings where the bully gets beat up who would have expected that yeah I like this show cuz the violence is so real huh oh is it last week Peppard got shot in the head by a bazooka you okay yeah I'll be all right lucky for me was just a 12-pound shell I'll dig it out with my penknife hey I was like going through here you see something like this you ever go through TV Guide you find a show you never heard of then I'll say underneath this is a pilot for a show not on the fall schedule see what the network is saying to you as they look we know our shows are bad we just want to see how bad they could have been oh yes my mom's favorite radio 4 o'clock channel to Barnaby Jones that's pretty realistic how about an 89 year old guy goes around beating up the Hells Angel so you can always tell who the bad guys are and Barnaby Jones the bad guys are anybody that will call Barnaby pops oh that gets his dander up boy actually I read this week in the spicy insider section that buddy ebsen's got a new show coming on next season with Marlin Perkins you know the guy from water yeah it's called Barnaby and dad about a father and son crime-fighting filled with over 300 years of experience yeah Barnaby in there and I'll be looking for them well that'll be a head one you know one good for TV gay oh no this actually has my favorite show for 30 no People's Court you like this this is like attack of the pinheads this program he took my pen I did not he took my pen I think Watney should hand out the death sentence you know the amazing thing here is a show seen by 50 million people every day all right I'm watching the show Tuesday a woman comes out she's got her hair in curlers where was she going later on she got a meeting with Chernenko there and I feel sorry for Watney you know you know Wapner must take a lot of grief from the other judges huh yeah cuz you know whatever judges get together they're pretty pompous loud they always like to impress one another with their legalese you know well I remember the essence of the Miranda decision was essentially that the rights of the individual should triumph over the what here comes judge Wapner now hey walk ahead you make out with that case of the puppy stained carpet [Applause] it's not good not Supreme Court material no no really with that constant needling you can't know now we mentioned in the introduction they're one of the hardest-working comedians in show business you're always all the rules got back just got back let me check here should we go away first alright well that we will save you plenty of time to talk about your activity but we'll do an Orthodox I know all right we'll be back with Jay Leno folks take a look [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi there Jay Leno is here tonight jim brown will be here and we're gonna talk about your busy traveling schedule but I produced something here what LC whatever I go on the road people always come up to me and I say Jay after late night is over after the stage it's been struck and everything is torn down and put in the boxes and all the facial bladders put away what what are you and Dave do after the show and I see a lot of people don't realize that Dave and I lead vastly contrasting lifestyles I think that's safe to say so the last time I was on the show I was on a Thursday and what I did was I asked a couple of the NBC photographers to follow us around for a weekend and take a couple of pictures just to kind of show the difference although we are friends we are still poles apart and what we like to do now this one this first photo essay in a matter of speaking Shore why not this first one is of course taken Thursday right after the show can you get a shot of that there's a picture of you getting in your limo with your famous trademark cigar pretty much standing on your way up to Connecticut now of course that Thursday I didn't go to Connecticut day but I I stayed behind to hand out food parcels to the needy [Laughter] [Applause] yeah man of course Friday night comes and since you don't take Friday on you you know that's pretty much your night to howl any the columnist in New York I think his reputation is more than deserved then you can usually be seen at some posh Eastside Bistro with a beautiful starlet on your arm there you are there she is beautiful of course on Fridays did you know Dave I I don't have time to go to you know no on Fridays I usually fly up to Appalachia where yeah where I teach family planning yeah you're an amazing man yeah well I like to give my time freely and and then Saturday comes and I'm sleeping most of the day the most of anybody get a nighttime whoo you don't want to know you're usually out with some of your just jet-set friends has a picture of you and and who's that Mick Jagger I guess this one this one was taken at Caroline's another eastside comedy beast joe i i have celebrity friends too and i don't want to pretend that i don't but well my celebrity friends are kind of a different nature Here I am with my good friend mr. Mahatma Ghandi [Applause] right right before he died he called me and he said Jay thanks for teaching me not to be so selfish [Music] [Applause] you look you looked a little overdressed in that photo I like to dress I think there's more he was under how would you describe your appearance tonight how would I describe you look every every time you're on the sure you haven't kind of a different look for us oh that's because I don't own a lot of the same clothes what do you mean a different look is this different this is you you look like you might have been in Viva Las Vegas no I got this down at the boys husky at Sears you know whatever you're on the show I always I always look forward to always you have something eating at you have so what's my beef yeah it's needling me what's writing me you know I'm getting real tired of these sexist movies you see this new one that just open angel have you heard about this oh sure she was a high school on a roll student by day and a Hollywood hooker by night hey she's getting the grades what's the problem [Applause] you pick up these magazines I always talk about the sexual revolution the sexual revolution is over isn't it I mean we live in a very permissive society you can you can literally get any kind of sex you want on whatever terms that you want I mean I picked up a copy of The Village Voice he does have those personal ads in the back it's unbelievable I see one the other day okay ad says bondage freak white male enjoys being beaten kicked spanked humiliated and degraded no smokers please now you're on the road again after Caroline's you're gonna pick berg you're one of the funny bone I have my itinerary here oh yeah this is pretty much my travel schedule can you get a shot of that yeah this is this is just for April let's see well of course this week I'm at Caroline's yeah and then oh then the funny bone in Pittsburgh University of Missouri Joker's Oklahoma City Houston comedy workshop Memphis Peabody Hotel I'm all over the book now the Houston comedy workshop that sounds like a clinic is that are you getting paid for that gig there's a lot of damage comics work you go down and do a little rehabilitate you know where I just came back from I was uh I was at Zanies in there so that was in Atlanta I was working the punch line down there and Atlanta was voted as having the worst zoo in the country did you see that no I didn't this is the only zoo I've ever been in has dogs in cages they have a big sign saying they've tried to recreate the natural habitat of many of the animals in it they got the polar bear in a fotomat booth with a couple of ice cube trays and a copy of Anchorage today no good yeah Jay Leno ladies and gentlemen will be at Caroline's here in New York [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] thank you very much ladies and gentlemen we have a wonderful program for you this evening let's get right to it shall we my first guest will be appearing tomorrow night in his hometown of Boston Massachusetts at Nick's comedy stop a very funny man and a good friend please welcome Jay Leno [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] comedy stop next comedy stop that's right is it a nice place real nice place Oh fabulous about 25,000 seats so we got to do two shows a night oh sure yeah I'm sure this about two smaller rooms my house got robbed I didn't tell you that today did I know your house right yeah last time I was on you broadcast where I'm gonna be so people know it's not so much you use lose a few things but the worst part is you become suspicious of everybody oh sure that's the thing you know three that that's a robbery my mom calls me she says Osama I heard about the robbery I said really mom would you hear me oh boy you know they're quick to take your money then they want receipts for everything you know but the guy called you says I'm mr. Leno the tape recorder that was stolen I said yeah what about on the police report you claimed it was made of solid gold is that correct I said yeah was it from Elvis now you know you know a little something about Elvis movies and I saw a part of an Elvis movie yesterday this is is the character Elvis plays in every movie named Rick you know something you know I was in Memphis three weeks ago I was working in Memphis and you know that's Elvis his hometown so everything is Elvis you know I'm flying in on plane yeah I'm flying in my plane we got halfway to Memphis I hear the pilot come on well thank you very much for flying with us today but anyway have you got alarms oh wait a minute wait a minute now just answer me this is the guy's name does he always play Rick or is it somebody else now sometimes he always play who else would he play when I'm kissing cousins he played two parts but you don't remember if it was like Rick and Nick no I don't I don't remember exactly I have the whole trilogy thing this is the one where he was where he was in Hawaii and now that was blue Hawaii boy and they cut he was Rick your thinking was he Rick and blue Hawaii we got the one we had the boat I don't know he'd know he's trying to start a helicopter service oh yeah yeah see in the book it's different it's not a helicopter would get to the alarm system I remember when when you and I first started working in the same place in LA ah you you did a really great Elvis well I haven't done it no I know you haven't done it but I would one day will you come back and do it on the show maybe someday I may come back boy it was terrific it was very well thank you thank you so you'll do it why not okay good yeah I was asking button live the alarm system I didn't 3 weeks ago after your buddies knocked off my house have you got one yeah I got one stupid boy you know I call the guy right after I get robbed which is the worst time to come out and they have their own security patrol you know like these guys in diesel Chevette you know driving around I have armed response do you have that I don't know I've never had to use one response mean is in case of a robbery men who are not police will come to my home with guns okay now I don't know what's worse having some drug crazed maniacal teenager and they're going through my stuff looking for money or an overzealous $3 an hour security guard with a grenade launcher who wants to show the army that section eight day game was a bum rap but anyway I brought some good news I have my copy of TV guys as I always do I don't really need to be out here doing [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] but some good news NBC came taking the ratings v scored very big did you see me sirs no I didn't see all those boy watch party it's good you see you know my whole thing I do not just believe that there is life on other planets my argument is why would they bother to come here you know I mean honestly if you're traveling through the universe come on the earth is like stopping at Stuckey's and they wouldn't be embarrassing we find out the only reason the aliens even stop - it'd be like so their kids go to the bathroom smoggy one down there make it a mess of the whole universe see why is it UFOs never land at like MIT or UCLA they always land in the middle of a swamp where Bob Buki and his cousin weenie around fish is cousin weenie doesn't mean but but that weenie Bucky Bob looking and his government would he be weenie Buki that is correct yeah all right apparently you never work in the south but I must admit did you like me I like V I've deployed I don't I like V it was good the dialogue has gotten better I thought it was a pretty good show it was I saw the worst science fiction film you ever see a film attack of the Colossus the amazing colossal man or attack of the 50-foot man or 50-foot woman you know this movie's movies no this movie has the best single dumbest line of dialogue listen this is the exact exact line from the amazing colossal man what happens is this guy is a scientist he's exposed to radiation so he grows to be 50 feet tall and his wife is disturbed about the change in her husband now what happens in the movie there's a scene where the wife is knitting and she's real nervous and she hears on the radio we interrupt this program for a special bulletin a 50-foot man has just attacked a small town in Southern California and this is the actual line from the film she puts her knitting down and she goes bob is 50 feet tall I wonder if [Applause] [Music] we'll be back here we got a pause we'll be right back to continue talking with weenie Buki [Music] hey Leno is here I know oh we got a good show Lauren Hutton you know I just met her she's Mitter we're in the hallway in the hallway that is very nice attractive woman very Jeff yeah now every time you come on the show you always have something that's the kinda eating at you something that's under your skin something sticking in my craw that's right something I want we make a good car in this country huh why can't we sell cars intelligently the way other countries sell cars you know I see ads BMW BMW Volvo Mercedes you haven't seen a show the guy driving around a high-speed test-drive braking handling give you a facts and figures so I can make an intelligent decision I see an end the other night Ford Tempo mom dad two kids riding through the desert suddenly dad sees the word tempo and 60-foot letters what are you doing nails and you fall out of the oh you call your insurance company you tell him what happened now General Motors got this other clown mr. Goodwrench yeah and what nationality is the name Goodwrench is it some kind of Indian name it's just the most honest mechanic in the world is getting a new engine oh no mrs. Smith it's just as little 29-cent fuse or no charge [Laughter] [Applause] this guy's never around when you bring your car mr. Goodwrench it mr. Goodwrench yeah well he ain't here right now best brother-in-law dead battery it take you watching TV I see an ad for Grecian formula the man in the ad has white hair the next day he has black hair nobody seems to notice this major phenomena he goes to the office secretary says I look younger boss wonders if I've lost weight here's a company gonna wind up on the fortune 500 nobody knows I'm using it why am i buying isn't the first get that off my chest but I'm sorry for that I know J I notice I know in addition to working around the country at clubs and stuff yes recently this is my deal my part so I like to stretch it out a little yeah you recently signed a lucrative writing deal with it was I signed a deal with the Halle Quinn romance novel oh you know my life pretty exciting television clubs they thought I signed a three-book deal unfortunately had to write write all three books at once that was a tough deal but I wrote some books based on kind of my experiences on the show off the show the first book in this series it's called here it is here you have some love it's late night can you get a shot of that there it's a pretty exciting book it's it's a story it's a story of a fictitious late-night talk-show host he falls in love with a radical Shiite Muslim woman who is out to destroy the very empire he set out to create it you get a shot I think we've seen it but we'll take another look yeah that's very nice you see can you see the car crash and punching out the gun yeah looks like a lot of action would be exciting the second of them series well it's one of those kind of powerbroker books it's women in supermarket seem to love these let me just read you one of the notes from what they said about it he ran roughshod over the city just as he did to those that loved him oh he was a god to his women he was no ordinary man he was the mailman [Applause] fascinating book that that just covers the early years yeah and the second one is kind of full binding it's a yeah yeah you know so many guys were fooled they thought that was a 36 yeah I was to save $35 guess 39 yeah and this is a book kind of based on my life it's called the comedian can you get a shot on that one there it's a there's Caroline's Nick so there's comedy cafe Washington a lot of the clubs can I read you a little yeah please do have time for Jared or favorites with a little passage after doing Late Night with David Letterman he later went to Knicks in Boston from there he went to the playground in Jacksonville and then the Groucho's in the Daytona Beach after that he went to Harrah's in Lake Tahoe then pumpernickel 's Pub it wasn't long before he went to Hamptons casino Gatsby's in Indiana and then finally ended up at the comedy cafe in Washington I think that's a pretty moving book isn't it give you an idea the schedule with this guy is under you get a little something for each one of those mentions I'm really hurt alright you'll be yeah where are you gonna be this time what the hell did I do with it I was I was it next oh that's in the book Jake good to see you good to see you did you come back and you go alright okay we have to go away for station identification [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 456,047

Rating: 4.0220771 out of 5

Keywords: Late Night with David Letterman, Jay Leno

Id: _M9yTG19PnE

Length: 170min 25sec (10225 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 16 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/imanicelanderOk]

Man.. Jay was spunky in the old times.