George Carlin on Letterman, Part 1 of 2: 1984-1992

[Music] [Applause] thank you folks well it is uh truly a pleasure to welcome my next guest this gentleman is one of the most popular intelligent and funny comedians of all time please welcome to our show mr george carlin good to see you how are you sir thank you i'm fine thank you nice to see you thank you very much for being here you're uh you're actually you're from this area aren't you yeah i'm a new york boy from manhattan yeah upper west side and uh this floor in this building has a little to do with me too i i think it was about 24 years ago when i did my first jack parr show no kidding across the hall yeah that's right in fact it was arlene francis was the guest host i think that's one of the reasons i got on it but uh yeah this has a lot of a lot of memories everything up and down manhattan do you remember other guests on the show that night aside from the guest host arthur schlesinger jr the historian and artie shaw yeah that was the only tour i remember i don't know who the singer was in the first 15 minutes remember oh yeah that's right it used to be an hour and 45 minutes right now singer would come on and leave and never be seen again and how did you do did you uh big laughs yeah pretty well i had a partner then it was burns and carla right and we did our nixon and kennedy it was 1960. yeah and we did our huntley brinkley nixon kennedy and killed them and weren't seen again for four years uh when you were uh growing up here and and uh working here and maybe even 90s do you follow the sports teams did you were your big fans well this is a good time to be in new york oh yeah the basketball team is doing so well met's looking good uh yeah i'm a sports fan uh of course i only i only care about the three real sports uh baseball basketball and football the rest of those things aren't really sports now wait a minute they don't qualify at sports hockey hockey not a sport no well no let me explain it to you nothing personal it's an activity uh actually it's a combination of three things ice skating fighting and the game of hockey my suggestion is that they should do these things one at a time let them meet play a game of hockey go to the bar have a fight and then go ice skating uh all right now you're you're also excluding in here uh tennis and golf tennis as a form of ping pong it happens to be ping pong played on the table soccer soccer can't use the arms how could it be a sport yeah any activity where you exclude the arms cannot be a sport no meaningful statistics in soccer goals scored with your head is about the only thing i've seen can't be a sport golf uh golf you hit a ball with a crooked stick and walk after it and hit it again yeah doesn't sound like a sport to me it doesn't qualify golf is where businessmen get together to decide how to screw the rest of us out of our money can't be a sport oh um would you uh any other rule changes or any new sports that you you would be interested i might change a couple of rules just for interest for uh entertainment value in football i think during the last quarter they should be able to use knives little thing but it might pick up the ratings yeah yeah uh in soccer i have a suggestion that one guy should have a motorcycle and be allowed to ride the ball into the goal you'd still have a goalie but it would be up to him to stop the motorcycle yeah yeah little thing in in baseball i would i would have in the outfield 20 or 30 randomly placed mine shafts a little excitement just a really deep pole sunk in the afternoon and every now and then i gotta go soon and and how would you score that uh i think that would be an error uh all right i'll tell you i know you have some more thoughts about the sport okay i'll hold those and we'll do a commercial and we'll be back with mr george carlin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you folks carolyn is here uh i just i just wanted to mention this i saw your program on a cable outlet in this country which i guess it was been a while ago now that it was about a year it's been on about a year now but it's terrific very funny stuff all right yeah okay um new sports yeah this is uh on the order of the new rules but it's a little i guess well they're actually sports based on existing sports for instance cross-country bowling can be a longer game you can spend more time at the alley how about full contact chess sounds good kick golf we have kickboxing that's right kick golf might be nice uh figure eight demolition wheelchair would be voluntary yeah of course yeah uh off-water boating gee i never now how would that work well you have off-road racing yeah so you just you have you'd have to have a course uh especially made obviously haven't given these a lot of thought david but the germ of the idea is what's important and all that my job is just suggesting things right thank god i don't have to implement it you don't have to hire a committee or anything just come up with the idea uh you know hang gliding is very popular i thought hang fencing would be very but uh i'll try to work on some of the rules if you like for later sure yeah if you're good yeah but keep us posted uh now do you ever ever uh of course with a guy that is as recognizable as you it must be tough for you to actually go see like a basketball game a baseball game or whatever well i get to him you know as as much as i can i'm not a fierce fan in that respect i don't have to be there uh to enjoy it i i did have my heart attack two years ago came at a mets dodgers game uh yeah i'm really glad that there was a close game because you know those dodger fans leave early usually and uh if they'd have been in that parking lot i'd have never gotten to the hospital again but i got out in time yeah i i get i get out to the games i uh uh i forget what that was going to lead me into dave i had a a real good thought getting to the games yeah being uh being a real fan out there god we'll just have to pass on that way or something huh do you want to do you want to you can pass on it and go on to the next category or we can consult an expert well i'd like to go on to the next category okay let's go on to the next category because the next category is something that's dear to my heart and now this is for me also this is auto racing yeah and you're an indianapolis fella that's right uh i have a jackie stewart impression that i do it's the only impression i do in my uh life and it's uh kind of special i'd like to do it from from the seat here you know jackie stewart of course being the scottish abc announcer right i have to have to work into this because the voice doesn't accommodate it automatically this is jackie stewart jack is yours hold on wait a minute no wait a minute there's a car on fire in the fire torn it's mario andretti's car mario andretti's car is on fire in the third turn here comes aj foyt here comes more than makes up for getting uh what that last category i think i was i forgot the other because i was so anxious to do jackie yeah well you did a fine job i have something to finish with from the spot all right if you don't mind it deals with sports i'll i'll say goodbye to you now and see you another time please come back george thanks for being here let me try this from over all right monologue spot this is just a comparison of baseball and football uh it occurred to me that these two activities baseball and football are very much we consider them very much a part of our lives in fact we argue about which one is the number one sport and yet they're so different uh and you can tell from the terms that are related to them baseball is 19th century it's pastoral 19th century football is 20th century it's technological baseball is baseball is played on a diamond in a park the baseball park football is played on a gridiron in a stadium war memorial stadium in baseball you wear a cap in football you wear a helmet baseball has a seventh inning stretch football has a two minute warning baseball has no time limit we don't know how long it's gonna last we may have extra innings football is rigidly timed and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death football is based on downs what down is it baseball is based on ups who's up are you up i'm not up in football you get a penalty in baseball you make an error whoops in baseball in the stands there's kind of a picnic feeling emotions may run high but there's not that much unpleasantness in football in the stands you can be sure that at least 27 times during the game you are capable of taking the life of a fellow human being preferably a stranger now to sum it up the object of the game is quite different in football the object of the game is for the quarterback known as the field general to be on target with his passes riddling the defense riddling that defense with an accurate aerial attack in spite of a blitz even if he has to use the shotgun with short bullet passes and long bombs he marches his troops into enemy territory balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line in baseball the object is to go home [Music] i'm going home [Music] [Applause] hey my first guest is one of the funniest men around he has a new show on hbo called carlin on campus and an album of the same name right here ladies and gentlemen it's a pleasure to welcome back to our show george carlin hi george good to see you all right you got stuff yeah all right uh uh congratulations you got another fine show on uh this cable dude yes and your album let me ask you about the uh the album label what what that's my own label i finally have my own label it's ear drum records uh-huh yeah and our slogan is sticking in your ear and finally we get to make sure you know that they get promoted a little oh good that's all i wanted all right and you have stuff you want to talk about the stuff you want to no let's just uh you know all right now you're back in new york do you like coming back here oh sure yeah i'm uh born in new york and i spent about 25 years here before i finally hit the road and i get back a lot you know and i like it i like california but i like that sort of magic that new york has first thing i do when i get here is take a walk i got in late last night and took a long walk uh looking for the people on the streets you know yeah this is certainly the place for them found some interesting folks uh walked up uh the east side up along 2nd avenue got up into the 70s and weren't too many people out fireworks were over people were headed back for queens already and i uh i saw a guy about a block away didn't look too stable you know sort of uh little of the weaving no wind just a little weaving and i said okay this will be fun another guy on the street and as i got a little bit closer i saw that he was kind of bad off you know he uh his had bad clothes tattered clothing and everything and it was really dirty had a beard and very dirty you know uh he was so dirty you couldn't tell his race yeah and got a little closer i think he's gonna ask me for some money you know that's the usual thing and i got up a little close somebody comes over today you want to buy a krugerrand [Laughter] can't go wrong no now when when you come to this city or i guess any city for that matter if somebody approaches you on the street for money do you do you give them money or or yeah because i think a lot of people feel uncomfortable about that yeah i'm like alan alda i think you got to give something back you know no i do i do that uh but i like to have a little bit of fun with it not mean fun just like to get my moment out of it i'll give a guy a little something and i'll say uh hey don't you go spend in this put this in the bank i just picture him going into citicorp in the morning i like to open a money market checking account another one i like to try is i'll give the guy a little something i'll say look don't you go spending this and i want you to use this for wine don't let me catch you buying soup with this now but it's a great mix out there and late at night is when you get a lot more of the uh the strangers there was one guy on third avenue last night up there on the east side remember the 70s again i think some guy out there right in the middle of the street directing traffic no one asked him to self-appointed traffic expediter no uniform no authority just out i think he was with the other guy they had matching outfits as a matter of fact he's just standing out there like this and there was no traffic either and this guy was serious he was giving out tickets and he was talking to himself you know new york city is the international headquarters for people who talk to themselves you know every couple of blocks you're going to find some guy rolling along below without him everything i'm sorry uh i think it's i guess they talk to themselves because no one else will listen you know it's kind of it's kind of sad you never see them on the talk shows it could be a whole new area of guess sure yeah you can take a little break that's right that's right but i i try to listen that's that's what i wanted to tell you i i do try to listen i kind of walk alongside him and try to pick up a little logic if i can you know one guy's walking along and i heard him saying who me are you talking to me some of them are a little hostile yeah you have to be careful many of them seem to be arguing with themselves you know it's it's one thing i think to talk to yourself but it's quite something else to disagree with something you just said one guy one guy's on the corner he's carrying an onion i don't know what i'm saying and i walk over and i say you're absolutely right and he said i wasn't talking to you so we have to do a commercial here george but we'll be right back with george carlin and uh [Music] [Applause] [Music] you talk about people uh talking in new york city one time my girlfriend and i were eating dinner by the way she's a lovely lady my lady is a lovely lady a strong caring lady we were in a restaurant eating dinner it was like a store front place where you could see the street from your table yeah and a guy walks by kind of cases the place and the restaurant's full and he comes back he opens the door and at the top of his lungs into the restaurant he screams you people enjoy your meal close the door apparently someone from the mayor's office just making sure everything was right yeah uh it's just such a great city you know you can sort over do that and you can sound like you're just leaning on that but uh there's just a there's a trip on every on every corner uh i caught up with one guy talking to himself this was a really interesting self-talker i call or auto-verbalists i guess is what they're talking about but i ran into one guy who only asked himself rhetorical questions what's it all about why am i here why was i born what's going on and the interesting thing was he was giving himself rhetorical answers life is what you make it life is just a bowl of cherries have a little fun have a nice day a stitch in time saves nine i like it uh and the unfortunate part of course the underside of all this is that generally these are disturbed people and and and we haven't had a way or found a way uh to properly take care of them some of them i ran into one uh who apparently had multiple personalities and what you have here is not just an ordinary self-talker what you have here is a one-man ambulatory roundtable discussion and i wondered if if he uh if he used robert's rules of orders you know may please the chair may it please the chair i yield to the distinguished gentleman in the fatigue hat well top not all of them are talking about it's exciting yeah yeah good place you ever get you ever go now you're from is it the south bronx no i'm from up the west side of manhattan you go up to the old neighborhood i sure do i get there maybe two or three times a year some of the guys are still there and i love i love the accent because i kicked my accent when i got into radio i had to get rid of my new york accent but i hear it when i go home you hear it everywhere but say georgie georgie i seen you on johnny carson you were so funny my jaws were sore good folks good folks and a good neighborhood yeah yeah it's nice to have you here thank you and things are as always going quite well the uh the name of the the show and the album right carlin on campus terrific come back and see us anytime thank you take my honeymoon oh yeah [Applause] thank you all charlie stay right there george carlin ladies and gentlemen we have to pause here for uh station identification [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi there and then of course i wrote peggy sue [Music] okay i get a call from my mother dave are you really mr rock and roll well the neighbors came over with the magazine and said um it's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest he is a very funny man also the author of this book we've just been perusing right here sometimes a little brain damage can help please welcome george carline [Music] george nice to see you here i know uh i know you're in town because you were hosting saturday night live a couple of nights ago that turned out very nicely for you turned out very well it's been nine years but i think i'm going to come back quicker next time yeah it seemed to work okay yeah it worked fine i felt very loose and then they made it you know it seems like it should be a hard week to do but it came out really well that's good that's good it certainly looked that way let me ask you a couple of things about the book by the way where do where do folks get this book this is a bookstore book oh really yeah you know as opposed to the lotto stand and all that actually in bookstores sometimes a little brain damage can help let me ask you about this quote oh yeah well i can't of course i can't read the quote but it's uh something here from voltaire voltaire yeah did he actually say if you can't dance you can a lot of waitresses yes i think he did yeah and if he didn't he should have been right do you want to you want to spend a couple of minutes just going through the book here yeah i got well i got a couple of little parts that you know you always like a little certain things better than others uh there are some things for instance there's uh the miscellaneous ailments foundation we we dedicated a little couple pages to them a lot of diseases as you know don't have a comedian working for them don't have a telephone these are sort of miscellaneous ailments six foot nose hairs oh hereditary fructose intolerance i'm sorry hereditary fructose fructose intolerance yeah it stays with you all your life i hear uh lateral overdose irregular gait lack of hustle irregular gait irregular gait you've seen those folks on the street yeah yeah um oriental nightmare death syndrome uh-huh which apparently only strikes a portion of the population non-productive cough some of these are minor things cancer of the bridge of the nose that's no fun yeah circumcision blunder i don't know if you can say something like that but that is one of them yeah so there are various uh things constant screaming maidenly hysterics different things that uh that we think you have you have a section in there of things that you you never see uh yeah uh things you never see uh well a bum with nice luggage two homosexuals who own a coal mine yeah [Laughter] uh a street junkie with plenty of leisure time yeah a man who snorts iron ore leisure lots of these yeah uh i'm a list person i like little lists and that's where i get my fun here's a list of people i can do without yeah guys named skip [Laughter] anyone with a charge account at an ammo shop a man with seven gold teeth who wants to play cards [Laughter] any person who drinks rum through his nose uh-huh and a man with who's uh i'm sorry whose arm hair completely covers his wrist watch yeah those are uh now what would this book go for this book uh goes for your 5.95 dave uh it might be marked down in some areas but george let me try to get jokes per page jpp we tried to get so the joke per page rate look at this look at this all over the full of the thing you see so so while it's not a it's not your tone but it's dense it's not your tome it's dense dense with jokes okay george carlin sometimes a little brain damage can help absolutely but we have to do a commercial there george and then we'll come back and find out what else is going on with mr carlin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you paul so it was right after i signed with sun records that i met colonel parker this is uh uh from your book this is a generic joke a person goes into a place and says something to another person the second person says something back to him the first person listens to that and then says something funny you can use it anywhere that's right yeah speaking of records how many albums have you sold how many of you released how many have you sold if you count one way back for rca and you have to when you're sitting in this building um it uh i guess i've released 11. and i don't know i guess they sold about about 5 million like that very impressive because comedy records generally even a successful comedy record probably won't sell that many and you've sold 5 million and well what's nice about them and i'm you know proud of it they keep selling some of those from 1973 i'll get you know i'll see that every week every month they're pumping out a few units do they uh do they go around the world they sell in other countries uh only in english-speaking countries sorry to say we tried real hard tried real hard to get him into bangladesh that would be interesting though would just be you speaking a different language or somebody dubbing the album yeah it's one of the dumbest questions i've ever coughed on new technology uh how do you like being back in new york i know you don't you don't come back here as much as you probably would like to these days well i enjoy it though i have certain things uh i love the restaurants uh and i have a few favorites little places that are still around uh you ever been to shorty's footwear restaurant shorty's footwear no i never have well their slogan is how would you like a nice meal out of someone else's footwear and uh they feature chicken in a shoe uh beef in a brogan uh pork and a pump uh-huh pork in a pump let me let me jot that down george because i'd like to order that if i could pork in a pump all right uh locks in a loafer uh-huh and of course uh masterchioli and a moccasin they're getting into the foreign things yeah this specialty place obviously now do you find that uh the name of a restaurant is any kind of off to what you're gonna get yeah i'll try to avoid a place that's called scarf and barf although the bulimics i understand like it quite a bit there's also there's an interesting anorexic restaurant here in new york with no waiters but uh you know what you want to stay out of [Applause] you want to stay out of a place called the coach and roach uh-huh moldy's the nausea the restaurant for the unclean i don't find too appealing yeah now uh you spend most your time in southern california or on the road yeah now what do you what is your comparison of the the service you get in a restaurant from say southern california to new york or any other place in new york well i think you'd agree because you get on that plane a lot uh i know uh service is pretty much pretty much standard i try to avoid any waitress who has a tattoo that says born to serve food or a waiter with a band-aid you know where the orange is starting to run [Music] these are tips listen don't blame me it's not my world oh that's right it's not george's world uh i like to have a little fun when they uh you know a lot of the waiters are very attentive you know how they they come around they say is everything okay they'll come two or three times and i i'm i'm literal with wrestling no as a matter of fact i uh my sister's out of work [Music] television doesn't work my feet hurt and i owe a lot of money yeah some sometimes they're really attentive they'll call you at home that night and ask if everything is still on camera but i keep them on their toes i order unusual things they'll uh they'll ask you if you like something from the bar and i uh i'll say yeah give me a prune margarita will you with a watermelon twist gin and napalm is another one of my favorites listerine and soda that's always but with the pepper mill they stand there i let them go for about an hour very nice let them go terrific right and after you get a huge pile and they'd say wait wait a little more and then a little more this okay that's it keep them on their toes that's my you know what i did one time and it's an interesting reaction depending on where you are uh the waitress or waiter came over and said you know how they will garnish your plate usually with some parsley and the waiter came over and said can i get you anything else yeah i'd like some more parsley please well i have a friend who's existed on garnish alone for 11. so here we are that's it are we done with the restaurant [Applause] so uh where are you going from here i'm going home and then i jump out a little bit more and then take a nice vacation for myself a little road where are you going on vacation going down to st martin in uh in the caribbean for christmas and new year's yeah very nice yeah uh the book here sometimes a little brain damage can help and remember despite its slim appearance it's chock full of comedy ladies and gentlemen uh george carlin nice to see you again [Applause] [Music] the essence of scully [Music] never been a hall like this [Music] [Applause] hi i'm gary hi i'm rob burnette i'm from new jersey i'm 24 years old uh and i'm serving as the relief host for late night with david letterman i was chosen from a random drawing and i couldn't be happier yeah you know rob before we uh get george out here there's one other thing hal can we test the confetti cannon or not sure is all right all right it should be that button now this is a brand new device no this button right here is everybody ready for this go ahead [Applause] yeah that certainly was a swell idea okay okay rob now bro it's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest to this program he can currently be seen in concert on hbo and he was and he has a new album coming out next month called playing with your head please welcome comedian george carlin tonight i'm always late for weddings hey just ask him the questions are on the sheet thanks steve i feel like ed tonight so uh how have you been doing pretty fine uh just uh you know hanging around new york a little bit glad to be here with uh the uh hoosier born late night funnyman that's i've been reading a lot of things about your show serious analyses if you're sure getting around yeah and of course you know they use a lot of shorthand writers media people you're the who's you're born late night funny man paul is uh paul is the sidekick maestro yeah or if you don't mind sometimes the diminutive sidekick maestro all right and i i guess i'm kind of uh veteran stand-up comic if i had uh let my oh bearded veteran bearded stand-up comic i think if i'd let my hair long i'd be the aging hippie comedian but they find a way don't they to shorthand you sure uh howard hughes was the uh billionaire recluse uh robert vesco is the fugitive financier uh martin luther king slain civil rights leader andre socceroff the ailing soviet dissident right uh squeaky fromm is the x-manson follower of course charles manson is the convicted mass murderer that's a good one to avoid if you possibly can evil knievel is the former daredevil pope uh john paul is the much-traveled pontiff and uh i'm forgetting a few then there are some generic ones mob chieftain reputed mob figure those are nice to avoid also yeah so i'm just happy to be here rob burnett i think is the unluckiest man on the face of the earth i think fledgling co-host very flexibly very fledgling so now you're also in a movie good transition there nice guys yes right soon to be uh soon to be film star i guess um no i am i finally after all this time i'm getting my turn uh i did a movie with um bette midler and uh shelly long of course this won't be out for february i'm talking about it now because it's a new experience usually people wait too movies before well i did car wash but it was kind of a cameo and i brought my own wardrobe and wrote my own scene that's that's not like you know that's not like being in the movies it was like a hobbyist yeah that's all it was do it yourself quick one day uh thing and then of course i did a movie uh ten years before that with uh doris day uh with six you get egg roll another memorable part is that right i've tried to do a movie every 10 years that's been my goal but now actually the truth is i was uh i was i felt out of place most of that time in in the acting situation and i don't now i feel very good so this this movie is called outrageous fortune and and the main thing i'm i'm thrilled about is that i feel comfortable there and i want to do more of that so uh what was dora's day like [Applause] like about like that [Applause] that was a frightening time for me because i felt i felt so out of place brian keith was in it too uh and uh i was just completely uh you know overpowered and uh out of my out of my element yeah but she was like i say i really about like that yeah now you're you're a big sport what's she really like hey i couldn't get behind the scenes you know it was a small part and uh i did see a lot of animals near her trailer yeah yeah well she she loves animals that's right no she loves it she loves her that's right oh come on folks we're gonna go we're gonna go to a commercial i gotta step in here we're gonna go to a commercial we'll be back more with george carlin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] we're back with george carlin you're doing great yeah not too bad not too bad absolutely thanks a great job um so you're you're a big sports fan what uh no no you're a big movie fan you're gonna be the only thing i want to say about movies is that i i'm like a lot of people of not just my generation but several generations in this country who uh have you know sat in the movies and and had dreams of maybe being in the movies i mean it's one of those great american stories and i i'm one of those people watching strange things in movies i look for little things the offbeat uh like if my birthday's mentioned you ever been in a movie and you're watching and they mention your birthday they say the invasion will be may 12th don't you want to tell the person next to you my birthday that's my birthday mentioned it in the movie but like if they show a newspaper headline i read the little stories down at the bottom don't you if there's uh if there's a crowd scene i wonder which person had a really nutritious breakfast that day which guy has a long way to drive going home at night and uh capped teeth i look for captive i really watch for this i i often wonder how how funny some of these love scenes would be if everyone had his original teeth and i look for the ones the people who have not quite made it yet all the way they have their front teeth capped and the yellow ones start here and and then you'll see them two movies later and they're all done uh but uh you mentioned cable tv how's that for a transmission uh well i just have i have a strange table uh i have a past tense cable uh channel where they're showing old shows which is which is common enough for a lot of revivals of the old 50s comedies but these are in past tense we're getting got smart uh father knew best we left it to beaver uh make room for daddy is on but not only did they change the tents of that they put it from the active to the passive voice and its daddy had had room made for him car 54 where were you which which of course uh you would expect uh a western had gun would have traveled i led three lives is on but that's already in the past tense so that's being called i had been leading three lines and uh a great uh satiric topical satiric show that david frost put on that had been the week that had been so i i stay pretty much glued to my tv now dude what else all-star game the all-star game is coming up you're a big sports fan well i'm tonight okay he's already been played that's right and what a result yeah what a result yeah i think and it was closer than i thought closer but you know what i hated to see was that when it was marred by that bench clearing yeah you think an all-star game yeah you think they did a little professional yeah i i just like to see a few sports changed i'd see i'm used to these sports now and i'd like a few new rules something to make a little more exciting in football i'd let all 45 guys play at the same time you know what's the stuff standing around watching the game put on a helmet get in there and hurt someone uh in football i would also leave the injured on the field you know they're always talking about how it's a big war going on out there fine let the red cross come around and pick these people up why stop the game for something like that uh basketball could be made a lot more exciting uh i would have a two second shot clock as soon as that ball is inbounds get that thing up in the air i did not not come to watch a game of catch i'm looking for a four or five hundred point ball here also in basketball this might be exciting right at the center court line for 10 feet on either side of the center court line i would have a gasoline fire and and one more thing in basketball i would allow 25 points for any ball that goes in the basket off another man's head yeah you'd increase the chance for serious injuries and you'd see some really good fights what about baseball what would baseball to speed and that needs speeding up yeah baseball i'd speed it up by everyone gets one swing that's it you're out sit down come on let's get the next guy another thing with baseball if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball batters out you hit 27 guys in a row you got a perfect game and you'd be out of that ballpark in 15 minutes you could be home watching football on tv and see some really serious injuries yeah yeah also in baseball it might be nice in the outfield to have a series of randomly placed landmines [Applause] well i think we're just about uh gonna wrap things up here you're picking it up i'm coming around i feel much more comfortable than i did last time here with you [Applause] uh thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you folks welcome back to our uh program uh we're going to in may we want to go someplace paul so be thinking of a place to go in may the entire show new orleans is a good suggestion well be very nice down there in the springtime uh we'll talk about this in the upcoming episodes of late night with david letterman the program you're currently watching or maybe not uh you know aside from being one of the funniest and most prolific comedians my first guest tonight is now a motion picture star he can currently be seen playing a 1960s burnout in the film outrageous fortune have you seen this paul uh not yet but i i should try and see these when we have a guest ladies and gentlemen please say hello to george carline nice to have you here and uh to be at the new improved late night eighties late night 87 exactly absolutely [Music] although you know i don't think we ever said anything about improved no we just said new that's my radio background oh yeah that's right you all knew that's what you're the only well let's improve it a little too all right well that's why you're here well i'm pleased this punch how was how was your holiday the big we had a holiday yesterday uh president's day yeah i was hoping that you had a safe and sound day did you and yours have it i stayed home and celebrated quietly yeah we did the same the wife and i stay home on those kind of things let the kids god bless them let the kids go out and uh the people they want to drink they want to drive it's not a good night to be on the highway no maniacs yeah the idiots and the maniacs both not so we stayed home we had uh we had dinner exchange gifts oh that's nice what did you get from your wife uh i got a set of forks yeah uh each one different which is nice and i gave her a couple of passes to a museum that hasn't opened yet in our area well that's nice and then we watched the late news took a bunch of sleeping pills and we were off i mean i say we had a heck of a time and some darn fun well that's good that's great what else is going on oh uh you know i'm uh i'm working in that movie that's uh well i'm not working it anymore no you finished the movie yeah how many movies have you done i've done three i've done one in each of the last three decades well my legs hurt in between and i don't know it's hard to get over there but but it is kind of silly uh it is it's really silly um because it was my childhood ambition actually to be a funny guy to be like i was a danny k fan right and in fact i volunteered for being silly when i as soon as i found out you could do that that was a thing to do yeah one of my early teachers said well george you can either study and take responsibility or you can be silly and i thought hey as long as it's an option i'll go for that so i um i was one of those class clown kind of kids and of course i had the lean heart physique of a comedian and uh i think the die was cast they spotted that early but um i i guess every now and then you waver you know i it wasn't an easy road for a while i wanted to be a railway postal inspector yeah and uh i saw john wayne movie once and i was really influenced by that for about a week i wanted to be uh the wholesale distributor for extruded aluminum products didn't stay with me though and uh i had a problem because the background my ethnic background uh was one of those which frowned on uh entertainment wow uh my mother was uh comanche and swiss is that right yeah and my father had an unusual mixture uh vatican city in easter island so but we did have a lot of holidays god bless you in fact we celebrated six different independence days but um six six yes well if you go back into the grandparents we have people from malta and the isle of wight and bermuda and guamians but that's that's going a little far back another thing that that sort of worked against me on this show business thing my neighborhood was not the kind of neighborhood where you wanted to be associated with uh play acting or stage it was kind of a tough considered to be activity right yeah yeah it was kind of a tough neighborhood it was you've heard of hell's kitchen sure well this wasn't quite as that was hell's dining room but still very tough yes yeah well we used on halloween we would kill a person we had to die or treat uh-huh did you know actually that there's also a rich tough neighborhood in new york called hell's servant's quarters oh is that right this is probably a little farther north over there yes it was yeah and uh and like i said it was it was it was kind of tough i i did the best i could and uh i guess school is where i ran into my most uh the most approval for for my behavior where now were you good in school well now are you including learning in that i was i was okay i was um uh unfortunately each summer i would seem to forget all of the things they had taught the year before so when i would come back in the fall i was right at square one again a lot of catching up to do absolutely yeah uh daydreamer that was my problem daydreaming if they'd had a course in what's outside the window right i'd have probably done very well excellent marks in that yeah excellent marks but um i was a sensitive that was my problem i think sensitive kid my mother washed me in wool light you know yeah guys i like that a loner spent a lot of time alone were you that way um not really no i don't think i was alone or not yeah i did i had an imaginary friend but i didn't bother with them [Applause] uh i tell you what let's uh let's do a commercial here and uh we'll continue visiting tonight here with george carlin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] george carlin is here willie nelson is here you must have at one time or another worked with willie nelson before i guess huh uh not on the same bill although we recently up at lake tahoe we were on this on the same stage but i did an early show he did a late show it seems like it would be a good combination of shows though doesn't it yeah yeah that wouldn't be bad uh do you know anything about building screen doors uh no no but i'm listen i'm willing to try anything i mean i'd like to but aren't you amazed that there's somebody who can actually build in eight eight minutes two screen doors i think so sure i think that's very pay to see that well you don't have to pay because we're bringing it here okay for free network television and this will be tonight no not tonight in march oh paul and i covered all of this already yeah lead time yeah i know but it's this is the kind of thing you want to promote though i might be able to do it myself by mars yeah yeah well please don't work ahead on this no okay okay i might buy the parts yeah get all the equipment okay uh now tell me about your uh activity with girls when you were a school kid well i wasn't uh i was too smart for my own good with girls like when we played doctor i would find an aneurysm [Laughter] yeah get this girl to a hospital there's nothing much to tell about that that's about the extent of that i uh i you know you know this the sad part of it is i used to spend a lot of time in this building yeah see i i'm a kid from this area right yeah i was from the upper west side but i was an autograph collector and stage struck and i'd rather just talk about some real stuff because i've been trying to be jokey and all and i always feel a little funny about that you mind me saying that uh to to them they're listening sure we'll edit it right out yeah that's good well it'll make me feel better anyway uh because because i'd rather just tell you something that's really true i did you know i collected autographs when i was a kid and i hung around this building we used to walk up the stairs of this building i think it's around 68 stories yeah we used to get here when work would be over about 5 30 wouldn't be many people we would walk up to the top and walk down wait for the radio shows to get over collect autographs what are we talking about i was uh 10 11 and 12 years old so that was 1947 48 49. uh radio was just you know finishing tv was just coming in and i i used to get out of my dentist's office and take his business cards and then go collect autographs i was really stage struck so you'd go up to somebody with a business card of a dentist yes that's interesting we have a 12 year old dentist here what i did i got i got jazz musicians at that bird land and places like that and and the different stage shows i uh i i just uh you know i i always wanted to get up and and do something in school i would have to get up i sang and played manana in the fifth grade for sister and unciata's club meeting and i don't think they understood that at all peggy lee might have enjoyed it but um was that your first uh actual not not a real gig but no well i was insistent nathaniel's second grade band was mostly sticks and clappers but it seemed like a band to us we played uh we played it for uh joe lewis and eleanor roosevelt that have been my first liberal benefit actually when i think about it now at horace mann school so uh i i was always uh looking for ways to show off that's really what it amounted to being a smart ass on the corner you know having to have the last word and everything what was the was it fun uh working in this film with uh shelly long and uh bette midler yeah it was it uh i was i was really concentrating very hard on getting it right you know because i i'd like to do more of this and and i did a lot of preparations you must hate it because what you do when you go to concert you just go out there it's you it's no props it's no dancers and you do your act 90 minutes two hours whatever and you go home and you count your money on the plane but here you show up and you sit and you sit and you sit but that's what got in the way the other time was that i was so used to being up on stage alone and taking care of everything myself i couldn't mix i couldn't work collaboratively i'm able to do that now no i like the difference i like the balance i've already done that you know that stand up thing fine i know i can do that uh i like the idea of surrendering a little lettings you know and having to wait and and and work with someone else and and use someone else's words it's a different set of muscles that you get to use now is that ever a problem for you when you see something and you know in the back of your mind intuitively that it could be funnier if it was done another way were they open to suggestions like well on this one they were yeah and this one before we ever started shooting they let me put my own feeling into the character and you know my own cadences or or words that i would use or even jokes that i thought were better but then i had to pull back i could see that they had done they had done what they needed to do leslie dixon it was her first screenplay that was sold i guess and uh and it was just very well written to start with i didn't feel like changing did you ever threaten to walk oh yeah first time that's great two more trailers where i'm gone yeah you gotta do that if you're making movies you gotta make a scene that's it it's uh is it playing all over the country now all over any outrageous fortune uh with the shelley long bette midler and uh george carlin we have a clip here clip no okay no no good to see you again sure we'll have you back in the game we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] everybody i i could be bob barker i'm this close to being bob barker when this thing crashes and burns i'm going to get a little game show and give away prizes just like that i could be bob barker people no no i could well no close i could be close to bob barker i could be like the next bob barr you could never you could well maybe the next book our next guest is a very funny man whose new album is entitled right here i've got a copy of it right here it's entitled what am i doing in new jersey ladies and gentlemen please welcome back to this program george carlin hi george good to see you nice to have you here i'm all right all right [Applause] nice to see you thank you good to see you uh how you been i've been all right i've been fine actually let's talk about this what does this mean what what exactly what are you doing in new jersey where where where did that take place uh union city we did uh the last hbo show i did and i what i usually do now is make an album out of that show each time yeah so we were going to call it what in god's name am i doing in new jersey but yeah but you're from uh you're from right here in new york aren't you yeah i'm a new yorker upper west side kind of an unusual neighborhood uh you know it was a mixture was right between harlem and columbia university so a lot of a lot of different influences and i was an unusual kid uh actually that started before i was born uh when my mother your childhood being unusual started before that's right yes uh when my mother was uh pregnant with me she carried me very low and in fact for the last six weeks my feet were sticking out and it was very embarrassing to her yeah it makes shopping tough i would think yeah yeah and she had to buy maternity shoes but um actually she said i was a big help in climbing stairs so it wasn't there that's what it is and nature takes one thing away it gives you yeah i see it all balances out part of god's great plan that's right and i was physically okay you know well i was kind of normal the only thing is this one ear i this year as you can see is rounded it's regular round yeah and this one is not it's it's sort of like a devil ear it's kind of pinched and uh the doctor said that happened uh at the moment i was conceived my mother and father suddenly sat you down see what that would do they sat down yeah yeah yeah you can picture that you're lucky it just uh was the year it would have been i wasn't facing foreign anything could have been terrible uh well gosh i can see where that would have been a terrible trauma as a child but i went through the normal stages of childhood you know scamp uh rascal little dickens whippersnapper and then straight into full-blown psychotic i see yeah i was i was the only kid who went directly from shenanigans right into crimes against humanity is that right and uh you know one of the things that that influenced me i think i grew up on a hill and i think that throws you off you know when you think about it like a hill you know if you're walking down a hill you're walking aligned with gravity but if you were to tilt that see you're actually leaning backwards and if you stand perpendicular to the ground well on a hill you're leaning forward so either way you're screwed see and and then there was the north south thing you know about that no well like if you look at a map like if you're sitting in a desk looking at a map sure north is that way yeah well our front door faced south so when i came out of the house in the morning i was facing the wrong way already so i think those two things i was i was disoriented in two planes horizontal and vertical and uh what what kind of parents did you have were they uh nice normal folks well i was gonna say my uncle was a big influence that because my father uh my father wasn't uh wasn't present in the home i see you know uh he uh well when i was very he left when i was very young actually he didn't leave he was asked to leave he he had he had trouble metabolizing ethanol the way we said it so so my uncle was the father figure and he was a big guy and you know how your father or your uncle will throw you up in the air and catch you well he was big and one time my uncle threw me up so high that i could see the curvature of the earth that's about 60 000 feet george i think you have to go to see the curve of the earth actually believe i caught a glimpse of sri lanka yeah i didn't know what at the time it was called ceylons well of course sure but that that i was never the same yeah never the same from that day on and and your mother i'm just guessing here must have just been a saint i would think huh well uh i i wasn't all together my uncle used to refer to it kind of you know euphemistically he'd say the kid's not playing with a full bag of jacks or say it was a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic my mother uh well she was uh kind of strict she was kind of strict um you heard of my mother the car can you picture my mother the armored personnel carrier yeah that's tough in fact the person who she most reminds me of physically is charles kuralt you picture bringing home a bad report card to charles kuralt in a dress is your is your mom still with us uh no no she she never did get over she's still going through postpartum uh depression and and she died several years ago which will give me an idea how bad things were at home i was hard to handle you know i was just a kid that was hard to hell i'm 51 now that's nine celsius by the way and it was just very i don't want to make it all bad there were some good things i have some very pleasant childhood memories i remember like um coming home uh from from church on sunday and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes there was so you're saying it wasn't all bad no there was a little fun in your family yes well let me go back a second at the moment you were conceived your parents sat down suddenly suddenly sat down i see okay yeah i just wanted to i wanted to recommend i'll throw you off yeah yeah uh so and that and now what are you up to how are things going these days great things are just fine i uh by the way i would like to point out that i did straighten out eventually oh sure i think we can see that when i was 18 it happened overnight it was just sudden it happened what it was was i realized that at that point the state had a legal right to execute me right so that got your attention yeah absolutely well good i'm glad otherwise everything is fine everything is good all right let's see the uh the album is called uh what am i doing in new jersey big seller and the hbo show has been that's been out for a while they've played every now and then you know good nice to see you again thank you guys yes that's right [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you very much thank you you know i can never hear mr kasparov i can hear him but i don't understand him it's a combination he's phoning all the way from moscow and i think he's talking quickly fast and i'm thinking of other things i never understand what he said he says plus you don't know how to play chess i don't know how to play chess and and the board had been inadvertently scrambled because we were looking at moves this afternoon and i neglected to return his piece to where it was supposed to be so today was a mess yeah the whole thing it may be i may have just tainted the entire contest yes it may now be played under protest you may have disqualified yourself and none of it makes any difference after that lousy lame basketball joke at the expense of robert c wright hal can we see a little more of that please to just drive the nail in a little deeper here it comes and there goes the ball and big oh man what is this stand back all right it just gets funnier and funnier than uh so all in all it's quite a night and a trip to washington well that was gold i'm exhausted you know what i'm exhausted our first guest tonight a man who has certainly influenced the comedy of our times and not a minute too soon here tonight he will be performing at the westbury music fair next saturday and sunday the 18th and 19th of november ladies and gentlemen here he is george carlin [Applause] yes indeed how are you i'm just doing great finally talk the rest of the family into using a gel toothpaste [Laughter] wow it's been it's taken a while biggest problem was my son d'artagnan i've mentioned him uh-huh i think they're canyon garland canyon yeah he's a rebel you know while he's in trouble with the law how old the boy is he he's 27. huh he's in trouble with the law they got him for grand theft locomotive oh no which is stupid yeah you know you steal a train and there's only two ways you can go with it yeah and unfortunately for him there were police at both ends of the track oh no geez that seems misguided yeah but i'm hoping that uh you and your family had a happy and a safe and sane election day yeah we did we got through it all right yeah we didn't send cards this year you didn't get a card no that's all right i understand we kind of keep uh election day in the family yeah the old-fashioned kind of election yeah that's right we exchanged gifts early in the morning and we have the big meal later in the day well we leave the tree up uh-huh you have an election tree we have an election tree and we leave it up throughout the holiday season oh that's kind of nice yeah because uh does it dry out and become a fire hazard no it's it i'm ashamed to say it's an artificial tree be there for thanksgiving which is your i know from listening to you that is your favorite holiday i think it is my favorite holiday i've said so on the program well you're from the heartland indianapolis sure from the heartland you gotta like thanksgiving we're doing something a little different this year for thanksgiving we're not having a turkey this year we're having a swan yeah yeah you get a lot more you get a lot more stuffing for once we try to have something different every year on thanksgiving do you find that the kids fight over the neck yeah oh everybody gets a little neck yeah yeah well bicentennial year we had an eagle yeah and and last year last year we had a seagull have you ever tasted it no i haven't had gull it's a little tough but the good thing about it you don't have to add any salt david as long as we're as we are speaking of birds which we kill and then eat um let me ask you something when you have chicken at lunch and then for some reason you have chicken again at dinner time do you ever wonder if the chickens knew each other hasn't really crossed my mind these are the kind of things i think of when i'm sitting home alone and the power goes out like if i get a hamburger and then i have a second one i wonder am i dealing with the same thing in the same sure no well that would be very disturbing i would think i'll tell you something else i wonder about when i'm at the ballpark uh seeing a baseball football game big big crowd 40 50 000 people i always wonder how many people in that crowd have dry cleaning that's been in the store longer than 30 days and while they're watching the game this guy is selling their pants yeah many of these things have never crossed my mind these well these are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools and uh we had a fairly good week that you can see i'm sort of trying to remember the next thing i had planned here because i like to give you a full report all right well let me see if i can't help here okay what else are you doing in new york now oh well um well uh i i love it here it's my home team yeah and the people are friendly sure yeah i think they're fine they um they're kind of kind of aggressively friendly that's that's that's fair that's fair uh prostitute today offered me the clergyman's rate well that's fine you can't go wrong i'll also be uh engaging uh in two of my hobbies while i'm two hobbies one of my hobbies is uh falling down in a hotel lobby and pretending to have a stroke you know what's good about it it takes your mind off your work that's what a hobby is for at what point do you call a halt of the charade uh i'd sort of wait like you know they've taken me out of the building because i don't want to spoil it for the other people yeah but have you ever allowed them to perform medical procedures on you only in the lobby and then everybody enjoys a good laugh that's right yeah okay good that's similar to my other hobbies which is uh i like to attend reunions of groups i never belong to and make believe i'm someone who died a long time ago and they said where you been you know you say well i lived in burma for a while and you know you carry on and it gives them something to talk about for the following week or two you know uh it it occurs to me that this uh you have always had kind of a a good ear and uh observed the changes of modern language and uh nuances and what's the other word i'm looking for words yeah words yeah yeah well phrases that we take for granted like undisputed heavyweight champion right well if it's undisputed what's all the fighting about yeah undisputed means everybody agrees some guys are getting beat up pretty badly over something apparently we all agree on uh here's another one this phrase where they say well you know where you can stick that you know you'll often hear you know what you can say well why do we always assume that everyone knows where to stick it suppose you don't know suppose you're a new guy and you have absolutely no idea where to stick it i think there should be a free government booklet entitled a stick where to stick it i believe there is in fact such a book and then you know what you can do with it it's the quiet ones you gotta watch this one this is a very dangerous assumption it's really the noisy ones you got to watch i mean i i you put it this way while you're busy watching a quiet guy a noisy guy's gonna kill you you're sitting in a bar and some guy's sitting over on the side in the chair reading poetry all by himself and there's another guy standing at the bar banging a machete on the bar saying if i don't get a drink i'm gonna kill someone who you going to keep an eye on right i would think the noisy guy with the machete of course uh selling like hotcakes why hotcakes is this the biggest selling item we could think of they were friends they were very popular in the 30s yeah cigarettes though beer maybe coffee condoms caught condoms uh let's take a look at the old uh carlin itinerary dartanian carlin dartanian is the youngest uh don't forget uh dagwood and dagwood carl of this he's 30. uh the 18th and 19th of november you will be uh where westbury okay week from next weekend it'll be a great show good to see you again election george george carlin ladies and gentlemen [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes sir morty already doing a little uh what was the term for the skier morty what was the term for the skier extreme doing a little extreme skating there a little extreme uh and if you're just tuning in uh we're playing what's what are we playing may we see your photos please is there anybody in there now to i understand this is a one-hour photo processing place up on sixth avenue there we go all right let's barge right in do we have time to look at photos or not sure of course let's go right in excuse me hi hello pardon me hi hello nice to see you it's jane paulie look at that it's jane pauling hi how are you hi hey what's what the hell happened so are they gone there it is right there hi that guy right there leaned on something and we lost our photo may we see your photos please ma'am oh no i can't it's all right it's me regis [Applause] oh hi how are you just leaning in for a better look i'm sorry oh hey hey hey are we going to go up there or not no we don't have a picture you know it's because we're passing now the earth is passing through the van allen belt yeah we're being bombarded by bits of radiation i see i know we'll go to this wait a minute our is the photos okay here we go the photos [Applause] [Applause] really wait until you got into the privacy of your own home man we i think we need to see that thank you very much why can't the satellite go out then god it's a magic night [Applause] now was that was that her was that that woman that we want to share i don't know there was two people i know it was looked like a whole crowd all right we're always delighted when our first guest is in town and drops by to say hello ladies and gentlemen here is george carlin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thanks for coming in you don't come to new york often or do you i don't think you do yeah maybe five or six times a year well that's often i guess and what brings you this time well i want to say first of all i've never understood the reason for that one hour photo processing i mean you just saw the thing an hour ago well i never looked at it like that your girlfriend didn't change that much well i don't know did you see that yeah a little more than an hour involved but i'm feeling i'm feeling kind of good now did you were you here for the big earth day celebration because i know holidays and festivals are very important to you and your family well we uh yeah we celebrate every holiday about the same way we get up early open the presents first thing in the morning and we have the big meal later in the day of course we decorate the tree the night before uh you don't think having a tree was a little maybe out of it might have been sure keeping with earth day but the um the ornaments were all biodegradable saw that so i feel safe on that but uh i had something unusual recently uh by the way i didn't wash today i just wanted to tell you that oh thank you very much i didn't well i'm not dirty you know no i'm uh i'm one of those people if i'm not dirty hey i don't watch sure so i'm still clean from yesterday and and in your mind what determines dirty well i think when i notice it in the mirror that would be time yeah that would be it maybe slip into the shower yeah yeah but i'm sorry i feel very clean today uh did have a little trouble recently wanted to mention i had uh this fairly common i think a ringing in my ear all right it's annoying and uh went to the doctor you know what that's called uh yes tinnitus yeah yeah and uh he found you know what they found a little bell no small belt in my hair and you know what i found there's also something called objective tonight objective tinnitus that's when you can't hear the ringing but other people can and it's very annoying to those around i can see that both ways would be a problem yeah uh but i'm here to visit my son primarily you have a big family i don't think people are aware this i certainly wasn't how many kids do you have well we spoke to i have 11 boys yeah yeah we spoke the last time yeah last time i was here we spoke we mentioned d'artagnan he's my eldest yeah how old how old the boy is he now titanian is 50 oddly enough [Laughter] so you two are roughly the same man i see but but i'm here to uh one of my other sons is having trouble shamp uh-huh yeah yeah so i tried dartanian and shem well let me tell you the names if i can remember them all okay i hate to leave anybody out because you leave someone out they turn to a life of crying i know uh let's see now dartanian shamp uh tonto dagwood uh agamemnon proctor montezuma uh the twins zeppo and grumpy and uh john i bet he was a surprise well i named john when i was still doing drugs and the girls let me oh don't want to forget the girls yes velveeta and spatula and they're kind of my favorites i have to yeah sure well dad would note on the on the gallows i guess the girl champ is in trouble though no he got into a bad restaurant uh kind of a thing he got in an investment as a restaurant you ever hear he bought a restaurant the upper east side it's called shorty and bud's restaurant for the unclean and he had a new idea for changing it he had you know this great he thought it was a great idea i told him i said it's not going to work well innovation is everything in the food business i think so uh but he but i told him this doesn't seem like the best kind of innovation to go with but you know their headstrong at that age he's sporty their headstrong he wondered you know what the idea was all you can eat to go right you know how how the hell are you running out of food in a half an hour people kept bringing in lawn bags mustafa was in the restaurant business yeah he had a drive-through chili parlor right yeah you don't stop you just slow down and shoot the chili at you from a shotgun it went out of business so he was wrong robert had a gun he had a gun there was no contest he was he was shooting chilly that's right they found the guy they identified him from the many kidney beans in his pockets it's funny to our family but it's not a phone no i know of course it's not [Applause] all right well let us do this commercial here and then we'll come right back here with uh [Music] [Applause] [Music] was here timothy happiness here this is a great show you timothy hutton and this woman who skis down the uh sheer face cliffs cliff faces and probably goes back up and does it again yeah she does uh where were we oh congratulations you're just now i guess have completed right and will soon be showing on hbo your seventh george carlin special congratulations i am justifiably proud of having seven of those in 13 years a lot of work goes into those a lot of work a lot of flying yeah in fact i fly so much i have an average lifetime velocity of 36 miles an hour i guess you know you could figure that yeah well it takes a little figure you have to sit down and be serious about it yeah but i'm always on the plane i like the little airlines i like the little commuters yeah i was on something recently called flyo-rama they uh they don't have a movie but they have three one-act plays oh now see there's innovation i like that yeah so i uh i travel around i do about 120 shows a year and it takes about two years to work up a new hour's worth yeah it's very difficult yeah well it's it's fun though i i find i really do enjoy uh digging things out of the file and making something out of them you know uh and and on the planes you get a lot of chance to to to work because you are away from everything else i get do you read a lot you see things these are a couple of things that have sort of piled up in my mind recently and maybe they've been covered by some recent guests i don't know but i'd like to mention my version of them anyway sure the there was first of all this was this idea uh in this war on drugs they were going to uh drop these caterpillars on the coca crop try to wipe out the cocaine i i don't know if they're thinking about this but but caterpillars become moths and i mean that's all we need is hundreds of millions of moths who've been up all night with feelings of power and confidence i don't need that well i would think somebody must have looked into that i hope maybe they won't go through it i also noticed that ronald reagan had the fluid removed from his brain after he got out of office you know it would assume to me that would have been something to do right before your inauguration maybe maybe you should have run on that as part of his campaign that could have been i'll have it tapped out before the election well he made it anyway he didn't need a another issue uh the the um the rotten sneaker contest you read about that no i don't know anything about that in this country somewhere there's a thing called the rotten sneaker contest and it's going international next year this means we're going to be up against mongolian sneakers so i think we're going to really have to be on our metal um let's see oh yeah another thing uh talking about drugs they found out you can get high from licking a toad people in the south are doing this they uh exude certain enzymes or something and i understand in south carolina and georgia they're going to try and make it against the law naturally yeah yeah yeah make it against the law to lick a toad or ruin our fun what they're going to do is force the whole toad trade underground you know and it would really be hard concealing them you know i mean a kilo of toads is not something that's easy yeah i don't know the only other thing that that's interested me lately i noticed you can now have uh five parents uh it's possible to have five parents an egg donor uh a sperm donor surrogate mother to carry the child and then two adoptive parents uh to take over the child later and it really makes a thing like he has his mother's eyes sort of a confusing statement sociological wonder uh let's see when is when is the big show we're gonna be audrey uh for unfortunately for the american people that won't be until june 2nd june 2nd here to plug it early i thought get it in their minds now good always a pleasure to see you thank you and come back any time [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] oh all right let's uh bring out our first guest a very funny man and the important thing if you're going into the world of comedy the real test is how long can you be funny and he's been funny for a long long time he's been performing stand up for the last 30 years he has a brand new special george carlin live at the paramount live at the paramount that takes place uh saturday saturday night a live event right here in the city you can see it on hbo ladies and gentlemen please welcome george carlin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i had an ovary removed oh no you didn't no no you didn't hide and seek injury all right good job i'm really okay good to see you this is you this is very exciting for me and i guess even more exciting for you for a couple reasons but i know you always enjoy coming back to new york city yeah well hometown doing this show from my hometown that's great yep and i love the restaurants uh let's get to the best restaurant 30 000 different restaurants in new york city only a few worth mentioning on the david letterman all right let's hear the vinnie's house of toast oh i just i go back all the time vinny and his lovely wife dawn god bless her uh they've come up with over 300 ways to serve toast uh-huh and uh my favorite is well i like the roast toast it's nice but give me a toast sandwich yeah you know how do they handle that what do they do with that i like the toast sandwich on toast so you get it toasted yeah i get it but you can get the toast sandwich on plain bread it's just as good yeah get it get it on a bun maybe toast on a bun yeah because the toast sticks out a little from the bun the contour is being different so i'm over there that's usually in the afternoon because that's light fixtures oh yeah it is night time night time trying to impress somebody special place in soho south of houston down in soho hey you know this town well i learned some of this stuff when i was out in california um nice place called bombs away have you ever been in there no bombs away is it a new place very interesting bombs away the patrons sit on the ground floor kitchen is on the balcony and when the chef when they sir you know finish cooking your food they toss it off bombs away and you gotta catch it on your plate real easy with like a t-bone steak soup a mess oh no yeah peas no fun peas if it lands on the floor on the house the food is free if you don't catch it anymore no you know i hadn't heard of that place yeah i i love the city yeah and and and there's one place it's closed now unfortunately it was a restaurant for the blind and they had to close because of the incredible cleaning cost each night you know but i i haven't been there a long time and they tell me um yeah let's let's talk a little bit more about uh now you of course you do the stand-up comedy and you've been doing it and like i said i think it's a real tribute to to your ability and your appeal that you could have a great career for the for this long certainly but you do other things you were in the movie uh the prince of thais was in prince do shining time station at children's show tell me about that thank you thank you that by the way is the dictionary definition of a smattering of applause yes you won't you won't get a better example than that that's the one they have right on that same page yeah uh tell me about the the pbs show well that that's a that's a children's show called shining time station i play a little fellow called mr conductor mourning this matter that was a sprinkling that was a little better even but but you know what i'm in town for another reason and that has to do with my career uh like the madonna deal you heard about mcdonald's oh 60 million dollar blockbuster deal mine is not quite that much money involves more 35 000 but we are we're pulling together all of my many show business interests under one roof oh great yeah and we're going to send it out that way uh-huh uh first of all i represent people now we're representing other artists in the management business that's what sort of you ask first i've got the first guy ever wrote a novel in chapstick you heard you hear that sometimes they say this is a good summer book this is a good winter book the original man script manuscript actually executed in chapstick wow and uh something paul and you guys would be interested in we have a guy who uh plays classical music on the bugle but he's he's good put him together with a chapstick guy maybe maybe prolong their careers yes that's why you're here i'm an idea guy that's why you're here uh oh another a band i'm representing a band from england heavy metal band that's called so long mate and during each performance one of the members of the band is killed by the rest of the band beaten to death the nice thing is the sound of the band is constantly changing open auditions all year round yeah uh well i'm glad things are uh going so well you know i'm very excited about it mm-hmm yeah why aren't we supposed to be excited about this we're in show business yeah so it's a challenge it's a strong challenge people to work with good people uh we have to do uh one little commercial here and then george we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes you guys every night every night the band sounds great the best part of the show night in a night out is the band you sound great and then when when david sanborn comes in you sound like a great band with a saxophone is that a compliment what i'm trying to say it was just you know sounded terrific thank you ah george carlin is here and al green man now there that's going to be good that's going to be a number and uh christine lottie george what else should we talk about let's talk a little bit uh about things that you've been noticing for your uh for your stand-up act things you notice uh just in life things about the news science politics language language language well you know it's it's it's it's fun to look closer at things we say and think nothing off fine and dandy you guys say this to you fine and danny yeah you said okay how are you she's fine in the end exactly not me i never say it i'm finding it you know why no um never both of those things at the same time sometimes i'm fine not dandy i see close to dandy approaching dandy in the vicinity of dandy not dandy yeah occasionally rarely on dandy really dandy not fine not fine no one time 1965 august for about an hour i was both fine and dandy wow at the same time nobody asked me how i was uh uh what else down the tubes down the two people say that fairly modern term country is going down a tube what tubes have you seen any tubes no where are the tubes where do they go i don't know and how come there's more than one tube would you want two being fine for one country does every state have to have its own tube now kentucky has a two north carolina and then i wonder about you say down the tubes i think one tube would be fine you know i'm not forgetting the ending of this so you yourself i did yeah if you had only one two would have to be so big people would have noticed this too by now some guy would have said joey look at a big tube over there you never hear that no no no no no no on the pike down put down the pike now that's an old one meanest guy ever came down the pike what about guys who came up the pike not everybody lives nor the pike you know some guys have to come up the pike and they're really mean right because they never get mentioned yeah how about guys don't use the pike this guy comes on amtrak because the meanest guy ever arrived on amtrak that's all right takes the cake where does he take it to the museum down the tube [Applause] that's why he's here up the pipe or downwards that's right you know where i would take a cake i would take a cake to the bakery and see the other cakes that be nice and they don't take the pie yeah pie is easier to carry it in a cake easiest pie easier tank is easy to carry too a piece of cake that's the way i make my living you know you you get a little nervous a person can get a little nervous observing that and you think to yourself maybe george isn't taking the medication because it can go on and on yeah well no not anymore no no now this uh the big show is saturday night and let's explain this it will be live it'll go out live uh to hp on hbo satellite or whatever you call that stuff they do now like that grasp of technology and um but it's the the paramount theater it's like five thousand six thousand seasons about five fifty five hundred seasons why do people pay to go in there and see the show they'll see that and they'll also see then i i do an extra half hour you know and i wanna cheat em and i got an opening act i wanna cheat them so they see a real show but for an hour it's it's broadcast and then we tape it of course and then cut it up and fix it up so that the replays are better than the live one this is like this is like a big deal though there's a lot of pressure doing a live broadcast yeah a bit but once you get started i think you forget it we did one two years ago uh live it was sorry a lot of fun i threw up once it was okay all right uh good to see you thank you and uh good luck with the big show thanks thank you lord [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the the audience are plotting along as if this were a hoedown almost hey and what exactly is a hoedown never knew don't let your hoe down uh ladies and gentlemen our first guest has been performing comedy since the eisenhower administration is that right really no what about gigs with the trumans ever work there okay that concludes our insightful interview with george carlin [Applause] our first guest has been performing comedy since the eisenhower administration he has released a double cd of some of his funniest work entitled classic gold ladies and gentlemen here's george carlin george [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yes sir mr carlin how are you good to have you with us i'm doing fine i'm a little weak today i'm lactating and i'm not gonna stop you or not well i'm not pregnant but apparently i'm lactating for no reason you aren't okay i give you a million dollars if you are i am a little disappointed for for the two of us though what's that i'm sure you noticed the nobel prizes last month once again overlooked i thought we had a shot this year you were up for spelling that's right and you what were you up for jim yeah that prize uh the nobel prize for jim is only given uh once every few years they don't have every year we'll just have to hope well you know i don't look at it so much as being overlooked as i considered really just a snub okay yeah and an apology if you don't mind uh we didn't send election day cards this year so you didn't get one we didn't have a tree we did have a tree the election day now how late do you leave yours up easter you leave it you leave it up till easter that's not a fire hazard no no no we have an artificial tree i don't know okay uh now uh did did i have that right you've been doing comedy professionally since the eisenhower administration technically true because when burns and i jack burns and i were partners for a couple of years when we started uh it was the year kennedy was nominated so it was during eisenhower's last year we were in fact we were in los angeles when when he was nominated out that's where the convention was wow very impressive 32 years and jack burns went on to have another partner didn't he avery schreiber barnes and schreiber that's right yeah so uh yes it's been a nice long haul and i'm happy to be back here in new york you always enjoy your time back in new york city you come back more and more frequently it seems that's right than you used to uh the last time i was here in fact the last time i was here and on your show i read something in the new york newspaper that interested me uh i read that 100 to 200 this is real now 100 to 200 newly trained sanitation workers right or as you and i would call them garbage men or in this era of politically sensitive language perhaps garbage persons although do we know if there are any female i don't know that for a fact no so but but there probably are because i think most of the male-dominated professions have been penetrated you're pardoning the expression at this point by by females so let's say well how about garbage creatures whatever you like always safe with creatures if it has a heartbeat it's a creature uh i noticed that they had been trained and it said they were about to be sworn in and i immediately wondered well you know what do you picture a bunch of people in there probably their dress garbage outfits taking an oath of office so i did the research and i got it well you have the the actual garbage demands that they swear to offers and uh this is not made up they must know this is true no comedian would make this up it's too risky [Laughter] this is this is true and it goes like this would you like some moving music i don't know uh if if you know a good garbage oh do they ever hey the joke the joke it's only a joke they say i hereby pledge and declare that i will support the constitution of the united states and the constitution of the state of new york and i will faithfully discharge the duties of the office of garbage men in the department of sanitation of the city of new york according to the best of my ability now i want to point out first of all they do not solemnly swear so they're not under oath sort of to pick something up you might say pledge and declare they also only support the constitution they do not defend it as the president has to do so i would imagine if saddam hussein were to send over garbage commandos here our wonderful people in uniform who served so proudly would not have to do anything about it and it does not mention uh so help me god at the end well sure and and once again dave in this uh increasingly secular age god has been left out and this time of the garbage men's oath of office so i i consider this my duty to point these things out but you know i thought the moving music was just perfect what happened to the moving inspirational music i'm going to come in and then i said maybe i should and then you stopped and said this and they all they don't support okay it's just one of those nights the power of a little background music there uh we have to do a commercial we'll continue the fun here with our friend george carlin when you come on back [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi there good evening ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the program our old friend george carlin is here also dwight yoakam and uh julia child a little bit later we'll be out here cooking for all of us do you know julia have you met her i've never met you you know a lovely woman you know how old she is no she's 80 years old what administration would that go back to wow we're talking about howard taft i don't know yeah that's a lot of guys uh and uh but i know you like to eat boy how about that for a segway ah i don't miss a trick do i you look like a man who enjoys a meal every now and then george oh part of the fun of coming to new york and uh and recommending uh restaurants too if i uh if i might mention oh these are personal favorites yes oh great let's hear them sure uh shorty and bud's restaurant for the unclean they're located in jersey city and uh shorty called me just before the show to tell me that uh tonight's special is a dish called meat called meat meat meat yeah it's uh but bud came up with it bud is the chef shorty is the business brains uh it's it's called meat and true to the traditions of the fine chefs of europe you will not tell what's in it now this is a specific cuisine right meals for the unclean there is a variation on meat uh for the gourmet meat with meat sauce oh lovely pecan meat sauce yeah shorty and bud's restaurant for the unclean in jersey city located conveniently close to the new jersey institute for intestinal disorders oh that's that's nice i might also mention you you dine there yourself yes and tonight i'm going out to ziggy's footwear restaurant i don't know ziggy's footwear restaurant is somewhere in queens see that's all he'll say somewhere in queens and very exclusive yes and uh what they do is they serve fine food find food in in or on quality footwear your slogan is how would you like to eat a nice meal out of someone else's shoe wow yeah they have chicken and a shoe uh burger on a brogan meany on a wingtip soup and a sneaker uh-huh which is rough if you have the old-fashioned sneakers with the two little portholes the thinner soups will run out yeah that's right you'd have to line them with something yes or a cream soup or something with perhaps little nuggets in it a stew would work stew would work wonderfully yeah uh there's also liver in a in a loafer and pork and a pump [Laughter] wow that's a wonderful place and i'll try to get over there somewhere in queens yeah i'm happy to recommend it uh are you still uh now you've been doing comedy doing it so well for so long and i know that you what did i say i said i called him howard very close to him uh you still do a lot of concert work though right yeah yeah i in fact i just came back from your part of the country uh i don't i could not i would have trouble living there what do you mean when you say my part of the midwest midwest yeah i love the midwest yeah i i like the people are fine but i would have trouble living somewhere where the the primary geographic feature is the horizon that's good that's nice it gets david let's be honest it gets cold there oh yeah it does it gets chilly you've heard of hypothermia and exposure yeah living in an area where you can die simply by opening the window it does not appeal the time of year yeah i i would never be completely comfortable knowing i might lose my life going out to check the mail [Laughter] and uh the south is no answer either i i i'd have trouble in the south i think i uh too much respect for authority down there you know they're kind of soldier sniffers and and cop lovers i would have trouble with that but i like visiting the south yeah i want them in the mood for a quick trip to the 13th century in under two three minutes you've written off two major geographic areas of this country pretty much two-thirds of it now are gone i'll still be trying to work there uh let's see and speaking of work uh oh we mentioned this it's the big two album set now this is a collection this is the first three gold albums i had in the 70s so this is like a historical uh gathering compilation in a way it's it's three full album nothing cut that that's what i'm happy about they left it all in and you have something new coming up on one of the cable operations uh no but i have the other i have another album out the same month that is from last year's of april's home box office show jamming in new york wow good for you george always a pleasure to have you with thank you nice to see you george ladies and gentlemen good carlos [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Don Giller

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Length: 103min 56sec (6236 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 28 2021