Tony Robbins on the Dirty Dozen of relationships

subjects nice 13 subjects that usually are a place where conflict will show up why would conflict show up over a subject area because two different people have different models of the world different beliefs different rules where do their beliefs and rules come from usually the source of Love they crave the most as you've seen what you try to be what you try to become and what many of you become is what you believe you needed to be for that source of Love even that source of Love is now God but you can shift that if the source of Love is now your relationship and you can do it for each other I know the reason there's conflicts besides obviously different histories different references is both species come up with a different meaning for the same things so the meanings the histories the models of the world are going to be different so in the beginning when there's chemistry you know that [ __ ] matters because as long as there's full polarity you're gonna think it's beautiful but everybody know how great a relationship or have moments where the polarity is knocked out you want to restore it quickly but we'll help you not knock it out is that we can come up some agreements in advance about the ship that normally will be argued about for the rest of your relationship what are the subjects one money is a subject can screw everything up why different references so both my beautiful bride here and myself grew up with very little money tough environment her mommy and daddy worked their asses off they already heard eighth grade education busted his tail built a small Lumber business built into something successful over decades unbelievably hard work ups and downs but she and I get together and her family this is the standard this is her mom everything in her mom's Joy becomes a making a deal it's like sharpen your pencil I've been there right they come in the guy's doing carpet he goes I can do this and that and he goes here I'll give you my best deal doesn't matter what he says her mom says Hey sharpen your pencil what is this yeah it was a better deal than that it gives a better deal that's not good enough and I'm over there cringing inside because like for me give it to him I grew up poor too the difference in her family the way they manage it was managing costs incredibly well and being really smart and negotiating and taking joy out of that my father natural father my mom told me what a cheapskate he was since I was this tall and of course I noticed it because now we went out to dinner with anybody else he'd always go like he'd be reaching first he never reached for a second wall he never paid for anything he let everybody else do it and my mom was humiliated and I threw my mom I learned to be humiliated why is my dad so cheap it's embarrassing it wasn't like he didn't give me money so that wasn't even a question he didn't do it for anybody else and to be fair he didn't have a lot of money he worked as a parking attendant underground for 45 years but money is a charged one so you've got to get on the same page and if they're opposites then you got to find that middle ground so for example I want to give everybody everything at Christmas she wants to give them minimum cards and [ __ ] and we found a middle ground more where we do a combination of things like it's one we spiked this last year we bought everybody around us like one specific great gift primarily we bought him like a Peloton for example right like a Peloton Track Family couldn't even believe it but it took years to get to that point and also we do things spontaneously which I love as well and we don't have to do everything it's not an expectation we don't have to go crazy every single time and so we find that balance to each other but you got to have clear agreements about where it's going to blow and who has what roles so kids in parenting kids and parenting is a huge piece in fact for us right you know we have different views about aspects of this not about the most important things what do we want for our daughter we want her to grow up knowing life doesn't owe you [ __ ] life is calling to you to give we want her to understand life is a gift and that we're here to give not get and she needs to have responsibility work ethics we have a lot of unbelievably combined things but then like okay we're having a child and we're not going to tell anybody we're having a child that's weird in my world because I tell everybody everything because that's part of just being clear and honest and through and for her it's like I'm a public person I've been for decades four and a half decades she's a very private person as you saw and so it's like what does that look like and and what what we did like what I did in that moment was you know I knew that it could bring fireworks and so I sat him down and I was like kind of I said if you're open to hearing me this would mean the world to me um those are magical worlds because do I want to do things that may mean the world to her one billion percent I live to do what was meaningful for her and our life has definitely been public and sometimes the media are not always that gracious they can be really vicious and I'm like I just want to have this little one and just be like a mom like I was from a small town and I just want to have the normalcy of that and who I would tell would be my immediate family my dearest friends and our beloveds in our life and I don't want to walk that public path I have no social media presence I'll take over tone sometimes and you know if I write something but I said I don't want to post any pictures of her and it would just mean the world to me for us just to be able to have this and have this containment and just be a mom and experience that preciousness and you were were so beautiful and the same as this coming out party you know sometimes it might I might be a little slower than most um but because she approached me that way even though it's the opposite of my nervous system yeah I want what's right for her and I agreed with a part about social media I want my kids pictures also social media and that but what's beautiful was she knows I'm back to her a million percent so it doesn't matter that's not what's right for me what's right for her is what matters to me I understand the sensitivities I understand my life as public she would prefer to be private and I love her if that means that to her then I'm more than happy to do it three sex and attraction different strategies for attachment different strategies for what excites you right different blueprints that you have and this is such an important part of life because we want both our animal and our Spirit Alive if you just make your spirit alive without your animal you're not going to be fully alive if you just make your animal alive without your spirit you're not gonna be fully Alive we need to do both and so this is an area where you you know if there's discrepancies in appetite or approach you find a structure you find a way of doing it find a way to merge and that's what this week has been about fourth time so for example my dear Mary B has something called Buckeye time Buckeye time she was raised you get to church on time you're not a minute late you get to meeting on time on time means early my on time is when I get there and when I may all give everything right so it's like but it's interesting there's infill fly rules movies on time is not quite the same as Buckeye time right so but for Mary so we instead of being upset about it we tease about it I tease about if if it's late or delayed it's my water I love my water I want to have her time right but if we're going to do something I said if we get there and I work sometimes it gets early to something I look and I go a good time all right and so we tease back and forth her time in my time are more aligned Mary came from a more structured experience right but in Bonnie Pearl's time you know eating was at a certain time so once again you've got to figure out navigate instead of one's right one's wrong maybe there's a merger maybe their situations where one is absolute and the other is not you got to look at how you look at time five we'll pick these up quickly house responsibility rules or discussions so a lot of times you know people go why do I have to do everything some woman said here and then uh yesterday Jones like I'm not going to make those arrangements for his tickets and [ __ ] and then when we're saying so I do that how many women do that how many do that like it in about three quarters of the room raise their hand so it's the attitude about it that affects things most well if you have expectations for your partner that's the problem no matter what the issue is versus appreciation my whole thing is I don't want Sage to have to do anything she she always will but I don't want to have to cook I didn't want her to have to clean I don't want to do anything other than what she loves don't have no money I have that attitude it's like that's what I want to do that I see that's my responsibility give her that freedom but also I wanted the freedom she wants to cook she can if she wants clean she can because she's going to but in the early days it was real like going to Fiji and the first thing after 11 hour flight it's my wife let's go have a beautiful breakfast let's take in the environment and she's got scrubbers on for seven hours and what I learned to do was surrender she's gonna do this so I should acknowledge she's the cleanest person I've ever met in my entire life no place in Fiji is as clean as ours nor will the devil be but then gradually as you accept it then often your partner starts to accept some other aspect they come to it on their own ring versus being pushed in our home for example she runs the home she manages the team and the staff she's extraordinary she's a leader my job is make sure I grow the businesses my job is strategy growth expansion marketing impact and delivery hers is designing the production of our life she's the producer of our life and we both pitch and catch and she's unbelievable I respect love and acknowledge all things she does that I couldn't do or if I could do it I wouldn't do it well and she knows what I do well so it's not like you do this and I do that it's more like what are you good at what am I good at let's find that and if we're not Brothers get someone else to do it yes and even if we are good if we want to have some time maybe we get someone else to do some of those things six family in-laws religion all right you got to bridge these by the way when you get in relationship there's all this chemistry you don't know their [ __ ] till you go through the challenging times and all this gets magnified because you're depolarized when you got plenty of polarization opposite energies most this doesn't come up but these things are going to come up so why not solve these right now with a fix it forever solution the figure Absolution on money is negotiate whatever you want sweetheart and not only that but I think whatever you do it's great I prefer you don't negotiate with me present and don't make it where I have to negotiate because I don't want to negotiate if I'm going to do it I'm probably just going to do it I might even give them a bonus more because my whole thing is I over promise and then I over deliver my promise right and so we find that balance you know the fix it forever the kids is your choice on this you make this Choice I'm behind you a million percent I can ask if you want to and it's not me asking like oh it's like you deserve this you've spent a lifetime with me since you finally get to be your mama we're gonna do it your way if I felt real strongly about something I'm certainly gonna have the discussion with it but why would I fight over it when we both just want the best for our kid sex and attraction time house responsibilities family in-laws fortunately for me I love her parents more than anything on Earth some people don't always and I wanna I wanna mention something here a lot of times in laws you know it's the trigger the conditioning or there's you know jealousies or frustrations or angry or whatever it is uh Tone's mama was definitely came in a different form and a different package than I'd had ever experienced in my life and she stretched me beautifully but my fix it forever is this freaking woman brought this man into this world and therefore I will love her I will love her I will take care of her and I will serve her and as a younger woman when we first got together it was like all my judgments of who she was and who I thought she was and then I was just like I freaking I'm gonna melt this woman and what's so amazing is on her deathbed who she wanted was me which was unbelievable we were there till her last breath we held her hand we loved her and that was and he's so beautiful with my parents I cannot say enough about parents that have their charges or their judgments about who their mom is or who their daddy is no matter what they did to them or no matter what they do to you get over it freaking get over it the relationship skills and the stuck on the unstuck that you learn here give that gift because there is no greater gift this man has given me the love that he's given to my parents and I know there's no greater gift than the love that I gave his mama before she passed that's the highest truth yes [Music] I'll wrap these up seven friends some of you are friends that your partner does not appreciate or enjoy instead of like but they're my best friend what if you found out why and what if you listen and what if you're willing to see something you may not have seen before I've mentioned some of you have a friend that I've known since my son Jared was being born so he's 38 11 38 39 years he was there at his birth but I remember coming back from a meeting one day that I had like eight employees in that day and they're all standing there my volunteers saying we can't work here if he's going to be here because behind your back he is this he does that and I try to coach him and so I'm still friends with him but you know I talked to him once or twice a year over 38 years because he hasn't really changed much so I'm still friendly but I don't have them in my world and you know Sage would tolerate and be sweet nice to him she's never pushed him away but I just know he's not right for her he's not right for me he's not right for environment even though he's a good person but a lot of good people and I've known him for all these years and I'm always kind and loving to him but I wouldn't bring him into my world because he'll use it how many fall so it's trying to be honest as you can eight real quick health and wellness drugs and alcohol big one I was talking to somebody the other day you just met somebody and very clearly made a very deep connection this person and but then what happened very much like Joan she's trying to figure out it's overwhelming to me holy [ __ ] then she's looking scanning for anything it was like any other problem that she's had in the past that's what we all do and this person's telling me Oh but the person drinks alcohol well remember some people drink alcohol and it's a problem some people drink alcohol it's not maybe you need to go a little deeper in the relationship first rather than just prejudging but when it does come to health Wellness drugs or alcohol you're going to have to find some alignment and without the alignment this will create huge conflicts with them and just going forward and saying it's going to be okay is not it you got to come to an agreement are we just going to drink a little bit are we going to drink on these what what's gonna what were we both supported by and it's a deeper discussion because if you don't handle this you will have one of those 69 only this one will create real challenges and in some cases it'll destroy things can you all know who you are you got to be as honest as you can but you also got to get in the relationship so you have enough to know that it's worth it and for them to know it's worth it to make some choices that might be different how many of you are making I've made choices in your current relationship you wouldn't have made without your partner and they seem arbitrary or difficult but you did it for them and now you're glad years later that you made that change I'm curious yeah a lot of people it's an evolution nine safety oh it was interesting so as a man most men want to make sure you're taken care of if there's a masculine energy for a feminine energy what's man or woman and it's important to us so safety though the reason I got triggered on safety and driving is so we had when I met Sage she had severe motion sickness and I used to have like you know a million two worth of cars and so these five or six great cars and I got a brand new Bentley convertible which is about a four hundred thousand dollar car and we're just dating and she needed a drive because we're motion sickness so I'm sitting on the side of the Bentley while she's driving and I give her the car keys for the first time I'd come out of a restaurant she goes I gotta drive I'm going to feel sick okay here's the keys she backs it straight into a telephone pole a brand new I bought it a few days before four hundred thousand dollar car and smashes it in telephone fall and says oops and this is your favorite phrase it's an accident she goes that won't be very expensive will it no about seventy thousand dollars but that's not that expensive that's the day I knew I really loved her so then I had one of those the old Hummers you know the super wide Hummers you know and coming on the corner First Step boom she smashes the ball and breaks the mirror off the side she goes that road is not wide enough so these are my backgrounds and then safety comes up so I want her safety above anything else I love to drive fast she loves dry faster so I told the story but now we're driving to the airport and she's driving the Hummer I'm a little Hummer on this side fitting a little corner while she drives this Monster Hunger while I'm holding my breath the entire time and once she's gonna hit because things are too skinny like the road's too skinny and she starts accelerating she thinks it's cute look at the face right now that's the face she think it's really good she starts accelerating 70 80 90 miles an hour and a [ __ ] Hummer and we're about to go on overpass you're supposed to go at 30 miles an hour it goes up on this kind of an angle and she accelerates I'm sorry I don't know what's going on oh my tissue thank you sorry everybody was talking to me thank you everyone was talking to me sorry about that did you accelerate my Pearl yes do you remember the day I do very clearly and what happened you went a little cuckoo no he really did that's her description of me when she's driving 80 miles an hour on an off-ramp on an angle and speeding up more when I'm telling honey slow down she ignored me I'd never seen him lose his mind more actually until this day what's that if you've never lost your mind more crazy or Coker than that day yes and you drive very nicely today don't you I lost it because they slowed up and she sped up like deliberately the opposite and I got so mad why do they get mad because I was scared she's gonna kill herself which will kill me too but it's gonna kill herself and I'm the one in charge here make sure he's taken care of and she's insane an immature uh immature Huntress independent rebel I can do this you do it I can do it use speed I speed you know I mean just immature stage of not 85 miles an hour on the Curve right but that's what she did so by the time we got to the airport I was someone animated I was like I was screaming I was like don't even get on plane we're going to Fiji to be together it's really cool trip right we gotta go a little plane in San Diego to get to L.A to get on the big plane to go to Fiji right and I'll never forget getting on that plane I don't think I was ever more mad I was like I'm trying to protect you and you're throwing like if I can't trust you at that level I mean it was like felt like a break of the relationship because it's so important I take care of her and she doesn't listen to me at all and she's gonna laugh about it that created some animation but here's what my wife did that was so beautiful she saw underneath it that I wasn't just angry she saw I felt like I couldn't protect her and that made me insane and she wouldn't listen to me to protect her it made me more insane and she looked at me I remember her sitting together in this little plane and she's honey I'm so sorry I'm really sorry there's this Rebel in me and and then she said but I want you to know in our relationship I really do respect I really hear her saying I understand what your intent was and she said you know what I can promise you is in our relationship I'll never get out of the car I said what do you mean she goes I'm never going to leave this I'm gonna I'm here I'm here for the long term I'm here with you and I trust you and respect you I know you're looking out for me and I'm really sorry and it collapsed every problem in two seconds flat because it came back to us instead of the rules came back to our relationship and the acknowledgment that our intent was really the purest and over the years I've asked her to drive more safely and you actually haven't I really do you really do today thank you amazing thank you for noticing I do notice I appreciate it that's meaningful I know it's meaningful it's meaningful me too that you drive safely now thank you she always drove safely if an animal's going by like we're driving 80 miles an hour stop go through the windshield but we saved the squirrel so now she drives more slowly which is really nice and I'm appreciative 10. work and work ethic well you heard this with my son so I won't repeat the story right everybody's got an idea my wife cannot stand a man who doesn't have work ethic if we go to Fiji I love Fiji the Fijian people are some of those loving people in the world we have about 125 staff that take care of a maximum of 40 guests why is that because it takes 125 fijians to take care of 40 guests because fijians don't work unless they want to so they only work if they're enjoying themselves which to me is kind of cool but when she came and she tell them what you'll be like when you'd say Kula sitting over there supervising nothing Bonnie Pearl what would be your reaction to the team oh I'm sure they wanted to lovo me and like put me in that ground and smoke me I'm sure of it because right yes because her daddy and her mommy have such intense work ethic fortunately so do I so we respect each other I don't want her to have as much work I think she has but I need to have it but I respect that as she respects it to me but if she sees a man without work I think she's like despise his men like that can't stand them so I had to explain to her that it's a different culture and we can put six people to screw one light bulb and it's okay because they make everybody feel so loved when they go there if you go to namali as beautiful as it is there are many beautiful places the world's a beautiful place but the most beautiful thing is the people are so loving and nurturing so it's a different outcome but see she's so loving and nurturing she takes that as a given you can still work it's a different culture so again you have to understand and find how do you balance that out but you've done a great job of because I don't take you to feed you anymore love it communication and meaning vak that's like we talked about earlier right some of you when someone start talking louder and faster like it's my job to figure where those pieces are so visual auditory kinesthetic or different Tempo visuals like talking like this at this Temple like I'm doing right now I'm flattering faster and you use words like picture this examine this look at this auditory has a different resonance it's a different tempo I hear what you're saying that sounds right to me and then there's people that are more um more um kinesthetic and they speak at a different Tempo and he was talk quieter I guess where it's like it doesn't feel right to me I don't have a sense it's true and these people are good people and they drive me insane I'm all three people how many are all three people but you tend to develop one so in your dirty dozen sometimes it's not even what's being said it's the way it's being said and you're just not realizing it doesn't translate for your partner okay last two 12 arguing and fighting styles some of you are here to resolve this now right which attachment style is probably that which one attachment style which one anxious and if you add wood to it then it gets even more intense oh yeah I know you guys know that but if you can see that then you can decode it and go they're not aggressive with me here's what's really going on but some of you you want to avoid and so what I learned in the beginning with my Pearl is my style was to accelerate the intensity and my parents use words I use words and then if she fought me on it masculine and masculine depolarization and then I would use certain words and those words were hurtful to her when I saw the hurtful to her and she expressed they were hurtful not I was wrong it's like okay I gotta ban those words to my vocabulary and by the way by not using the words I didn't amplify the emotion after a while we went through day after day after week after week month after month of insanity and we had to learn I had to learn to get better and better at that but when I saw it made a difference for her then my fighting style changed and now there isn't a fighting style now that we tease each other you've seen us here the reason I'm doing that the way we did this right now is you're also seeing us we didn't have a plan here we're just naturally bantering how many of you enjoy watching this Pantry we're trying to show you a model how to get energy out and be playful and still be totally in love and lastly 13. habits and maturity some people's habits really get in the way of what the other person likes like they only press their teeth twice a day instead of three times a day what the [ __ ] or they don't make us much money they ride big ass waves right that's immature by one points of view someone else will say it's pretty immature to go work your ass off and not have fun and enjoy your life so this is where you start looking at habits and saying that's their habit that's okay that's okay that's different than me I love them if that makes them happy then that's what they should do and that's part of where maturity is you're not trying to make your partner be a certain way I have a great respect for Byron Katie she's a friend of ours and I do some of the same tools you know somebody counted one time I was doing a date with Destiny and a woman stood up with suicidal and one of the trainers in the back counter asked 167 questions before I made my first statement 167 questions to shape and get where I needed to be to have the Breakthrough to understand it all so it's like inquiry is not a new thing for me but when my wife went to Katie number one Katie's beingness is so beautiful and they identify they love each other and so she went to a class with her and came back and wanted to instruct me in the four questions format and how helpful that would be for me go tap or go to these four questions you need to do these four questions can you imagine how that conversation went how many think it went well no you gave us too much credit today it would go well but for her sitting and writing it down matches her model the world and she is religious at it she is exquisite at it she pulls herself out of negative meanings she puts herself in positive meetings better than anybody I know and she takes more responsibly than any human being I know and I'm not saying that to blow smoke it's just the real truth if you want a model of somebody who's conscious and questions their own thoughts when they're there sitting right there and she lives it there's a huge sort of hand for them if I were you right now [Music] foreign the reason on the last day when you have all these beautiful feelings we're going through this because these are the things that'll [ __ ] it up how many get it so what we should do is not wait till we're in stress and we're in survival and then you're not going to solve it we should figure out right now which of these are there so not just yet in a moment I'm going to ask you to look through and circle which of the ones that you guys have consistently had conflicts about you're going to circle them you know probably three four five some of you have all 13 and I want to ask you to circle the three currently have those conflicts in or if you're single look at your last relationship whatever the conflicts that showed up all right so first you're identifying the category then the next thing I want you to do what was the positive intent of your partner like my wife's intent there was not to tell me what to do it was to get closer how many follow so you're gonna look what was the positive intent of your partner describe what you think the challenge is for that person as if they're from another planet look at it without a charge like what are they really wanting out of this what's my if you don't know it might be worth asking them and also hallucinating with good intent not hallucinating because they're an [ __ ] not listening because their mama you know spoiled them not the [ __ ] you do when you're judgmental you cannot influence somebody when you're judgmental so when you're doing this if you're judgmental it's already over it's like what from their parents may have they learned from this what may have they reacted from what happened for their past relationships and I want you to understand that what's the solution what's a new system or a new rule or a new standard you know you fight over the dog and it's gonna do okay from now on this is how it's going to be I take the dog of the morning it's simple you come up with a simple solution you both agree on and you just keep it or from now on you can do your questions and I'm going to do this and I'm going to come together we're going to love the hell out of each other so you still make it so the outcome is hit but you just change either the system or the rule or the standard of what you do

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Length: 29min 48sec (1788 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 19 2023