It's Probably the Clinton Jokes...

here we see the president and the first [ __ ] hey hey slow down you [ __ ] let me catch up here we see president clinton looking for something anything to hug besides his wife this week in south africa winnie mandela was removed from the new government by her husband president nelson mandela a curious bill clinton later called mr mandela to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that [Applause] gosh hillary looks pretty in this photo here don't you never realize there's such a looker till i see her hearing this this picture a frightening moment this week for first lady hillary clinton her plane enroute to the former soviet union was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions the president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with operation frayed [Music] wire first lady hillary clinton has been out of the country this week visiting the remote region of siberia said the president quote when the cat's away the mice oh who am i kidding the mouse screws plenty of women even when the cat's right here [Applause] at the white house this week president clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages what's more the president said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages either astronaut shannon lucid back on earth after a record six months in space was welcomed home tuesday with a phone call from president clinton said the president quote this is just the beginning one day we'll be able to send an american into space indefinitely and i hope it's a woman [Applause] speaking in australia this week about the problems of being america's first lady hillary clinton joked quote perhaps i'll walk around with a bag over my head when i come out into public and have no opinions and never express them publicly or privately to which the president replied yes yes oh god yes [Applause] as new questions arise about hillary clinton's role in whitewater the president appears to be distancing himself from the first lady earlier today in his weekly radio address the president insisted hey i sleep with hundreds of girls i can't vouch for all of them you know though more indictments are likely in the white water investigation president clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon former whitewater associates jim and susan mcdougall but when asked if he would pardon first lady hillary clinton the president was crystal clear quote she does the crime she does the time court documents made public this week independent counsel kenneth starr told a federal judge that hillary clinton is now a quote central figure in the white water criminal probe reacting to the news president clinton called the investigation a partisan witch-hunt vowing quote if the first lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail i will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating with growing indications the first lady hillary clinton may be indicted for her role in whitewater president clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility plans so far include renting a hall hiring a band and making a giant bathtub with margaritas [Applause] in a unanimous verdict this week a santa monica jury found o.j simpson liable for the wrongful deaths of nicole brown simpson and ronald goldman awarding the plaintiff's damages of eight and a half million dollars reacting to the verdict simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount of money and that his only remaining asset is 30 pairs of brunei molly's shoes the announcement of the verdict came toward the end of president clinton's annual state of the union address and many observers completely overshadowed the event even the president was distracted during his speech waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife well more oj simpson news on friday the juice officially endorsed bill clinton for president adding adding quote i'd like to help him any way i can to which the president replied well there is one thing an american president rob reiner's new film starring michael douglas and annette benning opened in theaters last week here with his review is update movie critic and 42nd president of these united states bill clinton [Music] thank you norm thank you all and uh what did you like best about the movie the dead wife [Applause] independence davy science fiction fantasy starring jeff goldblum bill pullman and will smith was not only last summer's biggest box office hit it was a national phenomenon here with his review is update movie critic and 42nd president of these united states bill clinton thank you farm i think it deals with some of the most fundamental questions of existence is there intelligent life out there is it friendly if not what if it came to earth and killed the president's wife i guess i never thought about that mr president i have every day on my life [Applause] last week the president vetoed a republican bill to balance the budget and he used a pin that belonged to former president lyndon johnson clinton has also been working his way through john f kennedy's vast supply of condoms [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well more bad news for bill clinton this week an appellate court ruled that paula jones can proceed with her sexual harassment suit against the president jones suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter during which she alleges that then governor clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself she is seeking seven hundred thousand dollars in damages one hundred thousand dollars for trauma after seeing the governor's penis and three hundred thousand dollars for each thigh well chelsea clinton turned 16 a few weeks ago and apparently her father has been teaching her to drive early reports say that under the president's tutelage the first daughter has become exceptionally good at cruising for chicks a connecticut hotel where bill clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but never ate though potential bidders should be advised while the president never actually ate the bagel he did have quote relations with it sounds delicious this week president clinton made history when he nominated madeleine albright to be first female secretary of state responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice the president insisted quote she looks a lot better after a couple of drinks this week in arguments before the supreme court lawyers for president clinton asked that the sexual harassment suit brought by paula jones be delayed until he leaves office according to clinton's attorney quote if the president were hauled into court every time some not accuse him of sexual harassment he'd have no time to scare up tail you're like scaring up the tail okay more bad news for the president this week convicted whitewater swindler james mcdougall claimed that his ex-wife susan mcdougall had an affair with clinton while he was governor of arkansas the president denied the charges adding quote if you really knew me you'd know that i was always faithful to jennifer flowers in a startling reversal canastar announced yesterday that he would not resign this whitewater special prosecutor and that now he intends to stay on until the investigation is completed this new development apparently do not trouble a confident president clinton who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to susan mcdougall yesterday president clinton underwent a two-hour operation to repair damage to his knee suffered in a fall while visiting in florida at the home of professional golfer greg norman many were surprised to hear that the two were on friendly terms since greg norman had once threatened that if he ever caught clinton with his wife again he'd smash his kneecap with a five iron the white house says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old federal study which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated will get an official apology from president clinton according to the president quote if not for the sacrifices of these brave men i would not be alive today [Applause] court martial proceedings are set to begin tuesday against air force lieutenant kelly flynn the nation's first female b-52 pilot flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it an air force prosecutor called her quote a sexual predator while her commanding officer called her a quote lying sex addict meanwhile president clinton called her now the white house is an empty nest this week following chelsea clinton's departure to begin studies at stanford university a wistful president clinton says that while it's difficult to see his daughter grow up at least now he'll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends according to reno there is no evidence he misused his office to raise money improperly allowed contributors to stay overnight at the white house or sought contributions in exchange for political failures you know it's hard for me to believe this but for janet reno to send this letter i guess it must be true the president's sleeping with her too it's [Applause] beyond comprehension but i'm tom snyder this week after tony danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple of ellen degeneres and ann hesh in front of president clinton was extremely disrespectful on hearing the comment president clinton responded someone should tell tony denzel to shut the hell up meanwhile president clinton was in akron ohio this week presiding in a town meeting about race relations in america the president chose akron as the site of the meeting partly because it is the home of the coming together project an organized effort to end racism and partly because it is the home of suzanne rosenberg an old classmate from oxford the president still has sex with well president clinton received an early christmas present this week an adorable labrador puppy and presidential historians say that it will be good for his image according to these scholars in comparison to a male dog the president's sex life will seem relatively normal a second a five-year-old child writes dear mr president when the republicans are finished wasting taxpayer money on their white water witch hunt perhaps they can join you in your efforts to protect medicare and the environment and to expand the earned income tax credit he asked paula jones was asking for it here's one from from elizabeth a of long island who wrote dear president clinton newt gingrich is a bad bad man also paula jones was asking for it the supreme court will begin hearing arguments over whether paula jones sexual harassment suit against president clinton may proceed jones who claims that while governor of arkansas clinton exposed himself to her in a hotel room says that she can accurately and precisely describe the president's genitalia but white house spokesman scoffed quote any woman who's worked in the state of arkansas for the last 20 years could do that does president clinton have a bent penis well according to a doctor who examined him last week the president's genitals are quote completely 100 percent normal it should be noted however that the doctor who examined him also has a bent penis i may color his findings a little as his last stop on the trip the president met in buenos aires thursday with argentinian president carlos menem during the meeting clinton asked menem to continue with economic reform and protect democratic freedoms madam in turn asked clinton to show him his bent penis [Laughter] tomorrow chinese president zhang zam in begins a week-long visit that could define u.s relations with china for years to come president clinton plans to ask zhang for several things including human rights reform trade expansion and a chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis this week and angry president clinton demanded that congress stop dragging its feet on something he has long championed a medical bill of rights for u.s citizens in all there are 10 items in the president's bill of rights running from number one a rich satisfying sex life is the foundation of good health to number 10 a straight penis is not a privilege it is a right serious indonesian accused of illegally raising millions for the democratic party earlier this week secret service logs showed that mr wong had visited the clinton white house more than 60 times but on friday administration spokesman revealed that there are actually two john wangs furthermore they stress that the john wong who visited the white house is a different man he isn't the fundraiser he's the guy who killed vince foster on capitol hill this week 17 republican congressmen formally asked the house judiciary committee whether there is sufficient evidence to begin impeachment proceedings against president clinton in response the president said quote hey you know who would have the answer to that question vince foster [Applause] this weekend veteran news anchorman david brinkley apologized to bill clinton for an election night commentary in which he called the president quote boring and uncreative admitted brinkley there was certainly nothing uncreative about the way you moved vince foster's body president's a murder you didn't know that so [Music] you

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 719,486

Rating: 4.9378467 out of 5

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Id: RxINRbE2R8A

Length: 17min 46sec (1066 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 31 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Deusbob]

It's "tongue in cheek".

[u/gregsss1]

Rip norm!

[u/The__Relentless]

r/BoneAppleTea