Norm Macdonald Zero F**ks Given

we go from there look all the way around yeah yeah seven minutes the patio will play for this whole hour all the way there what are you going to do guys all right here we go yeah pay attention please all right i'm over here i've got my own orange okay all the way around so take off the skin you're not teaching me you're just showing up nothing's making happen all right it's like nine and a half weeks but carrot top we were doing wow i gotta check out that movie is it called nine and a half seconds [Applause] [Music] looks like he's premature in japanese you know this is an exciting uh day here at 30 rock you know the uh rosie o'donnell show from here today and i was in it's uh tapes at the same floor as saturday live on eight h all flowers they're sent by like there's one from madonna one from elizabeth taylor regis and kathy lee i've never seen so many flowers it was i didn't even realize you could eat flowers i didn't even know that do you have a hero norman fellow from three's company that's your hero yeah mr roper yeah mr rover yeah that's not a good hero it's all i got it's better than this guy's hero is some gay porn actor anyway what are you talking about what are you saying what's the movie going to be called i know it's going to be called yeah what's that if it's got carrot top in it you know what a good name for it'd be what's that norm box office poison what about my friend courtney thorne smith the girl sitting to your left is in the movie i'm gonna go see it now from there take your bag all right okay now we'll do one each okay why would you become a cook [Applause] ladies cook okay who dated a guy once well we dated and we broke up and to get back together he gave me like this little g string outfit you know like this little and i was like wait a minute that's for you that's not for me so stuff like that is not good another guy gave me a keychain i was going to bring it out but i couldn't get it off of my keys so i left in the backstage but you gave me a keychain why can't you bring out the g string [Applause] let me tell you gay porn all the time did you cut to a single just abnormal really important i enjoy gay porn i'm not gay gay porn is a genre that just cuts across all demographics you know young people oh people straight people the gay people enjoy it everybody likes jay park but this guy really likes it all right there's this movie coming out yes title undetermined at this point chairman of the board oh all right do something with that yeah i i bet the board has spelled b-o-r-e-d [Applause] you're making me feel dizzy standing there looking busy here we go [Applause] segment at this point [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] oh you are i love the ladies no he does he likes he likes girls he likes this you're writing a book yes how to be a model yes the complete idiot's guide to getting into modeling so like rule number one be incredibly beautiful i mean what are the things that you can do rule number two yeah don't be a [ __ ] okay a very bad fallout to x games in january it frightened a lot of people and let's take a look at that clip right now let's watch her open this run up right here another big 900 [Applause] [Music] that is tough to watch you don't want to do that no don't do that it actually looks easy well it is finally official murder is legal in the state of california a down and out o.j simpson depressed that all of his money-making ideas have failed has decided to go back to doing what he does best killing people a new book claims that madonna once smeared peanut butter all over john f kennedy junior's body and then licked it up which just goes to show you madonna's a [ __ ] and finally weekend update would like to congratulate madonna who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last monday the baby weighed in at six pounds nine ounces making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through madonna's birth canal this week in a secret ceremony in australia michael jackson was married for the second time asked what makes his new bride special the king of pop said quote she has taught me about the power of imagination like imagining that a grown woman is a 10 year old boy [Applause] you know he's a homosexual pedophile right you understand sources report that michael jackson's baby is due february 27th and is going to be named michael jackson jr michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery in his words to make up for not being there for the contrast sources report that michael jackson's baby is due february 27th it's conception last word was conception so [Music] we're safer drivers men or women well according to a new survey 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders while 78 blame men for most fatal crashes please note that the percentage in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 because the math was done by a woman for those of you hissing at that joke it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman so now you don't know what the hell to do no i'm just kidding we don't hire women i came in and he was supposed to be the uh my uh kind of my guide through snl and it turned out that he is a shifter i'm not gonna guide any lady through comedy that would take me uh first of all i'd have to figure out how a lady could do comedy [Laughter] last week at a dramatic press conference about the crash of twa flight 800 abc news correspondent pierre salinger displayed a document which he believes is proof that the jet was shot down by a u.s navy missile later he proudly showed reporters his solid gold rolex that he bought on the street for just fifteen dollars that's one ugly bastard [Laughter] here we see the president and the first [ __ ] gosh hillary looks pretty in this photo here didn't she never realize there's such a looker until i see her hearing this this picture white water news federal regulators quizzed hillary clinton at the white house this week and gave her a perfect score on the lying section she's a dirty liar you know of course they say the white house is haunted did you know that and uh i thought this was kind of sad i heard last night that president clinton charged abraham lincoln's ghost 10 000 to sleep in his own bed so that's that doesn't seem right to me you know i mean but look the president you know has come under a lot of fire for raising money but you know you know he's good at he's good at raising money that's not a bad thing every president's done it's just the president clinton is very very very good at it do you know he has organized in the past year over 100 fundraising dinners and over 200 fundraising midnight snacks did you know that is he laughing is he [Music] [Music] [Music] this one says remember the old days when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker bob liked that one super dave why is there an app for everything except how to rape a baby jesus in just two weeks mike tyson's main event app has become a top seller on iphones and ipads everywhere there are already plans as a matter of fact too hold on folks we have some breaking news to report here this just off the wire reuter news is reporting now that the mike tyson app has just raped another app once again and we cannot confirm this but reports are flooding out of arizona this evening that the mike tyson app has quote viciously raped another f more on this as it develops some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very very good slave are you serious well this was written are you serious written here did you just write that i didn't write it did you say that no i read it yes you read that no you can't read that well

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 2,533,567

Keywords: Kevin Hart, Netflix, Stand up, Standup Special

Id: Aiz3K-ALBZw

Length: 12min 34sec (754 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 20 2020