-Thank you!
Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.
Thank you, thank you. I appreciate that.
I'm happy to be here. I just celebrated
my 29th birthday. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
Thank you. I'm 29.
I got no kids. My family thinks right now
is the perfect time to start thinking about
having a kid. 'Cause I come from a very
traditional family. Like, my grandparents? They just celebrated
59 years of being together. [ Cheers and applause ] 59 years together. And they're Hispanic, so...
[ Laughter ] ...they're thinking
about getting married. [ Laughter ] My grandmother might be the one.
You know? [ Laughter ] When you 29, no kids, and
you come from a Hispanic family, your family's gonna
want to talk about it. But sometimes,
I don't like talking to them, 'cause I feel they haven't
updated their dating mentality. Like, the other day, my uncle
came up to me to give me advice. He was like, "Listen,
the first thing you need to understand about women
is that women, they just want to hang out
with guys with money." I was like, "Wow. How could
you say that about women? I mean, it is 2019." We all want to hang out
with guys with money. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And I was trying to explain
modern dating to my mom. You ever tried to explain
how modern dating works to your parents? They've been out the game
for so long, they don't even understand
how it's supposed to go. My mom got upset with me
the other day. She was like,
"Ian, I don't understand why you can't just go out
and meet somebody. Like, you're always out. Just meet somebody
when you're out." [ Laughter ] I was like, "Are you crazy?" [ Laughter ] "I can't just walk around
meeting people." [ Laughter ] "It's 2019.
You got to meet online." [ Laughter ] I don't know if we're ready
to admit this, but in today's world,
meeting online is the appropriate way
to meet another human being. In fact,
whenever I talk to a guy today that tells me
he met his girlfriend in person, I always think the guy's
kind of a pervert. [ Laughter ] I'm like, "Hold up.
So you was just going up to women
and speaking to them? That's disgusting. You need to be
on some type of list." [ Laughter ] Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] "I don't know who raised you,
but we don't speak to women. You find them on Instagram
and send them a message like a real man."
[ Laughter ] I think in a couple years,
we're gonna see that on an episode of "Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit." [ Laughter ] Just a man walking up to women, saying, "Good morning,"
and walking away. [ Laughter ] Detective Benson gonna be like, "We gotta get this pervert
off the streets." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And I joke about it,
but to be honest, it's one of my biggest fears.
I worry that millennials, we never gonna have that
long-lasting love that our grandparents
and our parents got to have. 'Cause we picky. We put a lot
of pressure on our partners. I read an article the other day
that said that the number-one turn-off for women right now
is men with bad grammar. Which goes to show you how much more sophisticated
women are than men. [ Laughter ] The fact that
you wouldn't sleep with a guy 'cause he has bad grammar.
[ Laughter ] That'd be like a guy
not having sex with a girl because she has...
um... [ Laughter ] I can't even think
of a real reason not to sleep with somebody.
[ Cheers and applause ] And listen,
it's not just women doing it. Men, we do it, too. Y'all know we put a lot of
pressure on our partners. You know, I was talking to my
boy the other day. I don't think
he'll ever settle down. This what he was telling me.
He was like, "Ian, I'm gonna settle down. I'm just looking for a girl
that's gonna ride or die for me. You know?
Like, I don't ask for much." [ Laughter ] My woman needs to be ready
to die for me." [ Laughter ] I was like, "For what? You work at the Home Depot. [ Laughter ] Why would
she need to die for you?" Plus, guys, listen, I don't know
if you ever had a chance to date the crazy
ride or die girl, but I'll be honest with you,
don't do it. [ Laughter ] I'm serious.
I've dated a girl like that. She was crazy.
She was always ready to fight. No matter what,
she was down to fight. I remember one time,
we was in her car. She was driving.
I was in the passenger seat. And she cut some guy off
in traffic. But then, we got stuck
at the red light, so the guy she cut off,
he ended up catching up to us. He pulled up next to her,
started yelling at her from his car window. This girl looks at me and goes,
"Give me one second." She gets out of the car
and kicks the dude's side-view mirror
straight off of his car, and then,
she just hopped back in our car like nothing happened.
[ Laughter ] She's like, "So, anyways,
what was you saying?" I was like, "I wasn't saying
anything at all." [ Laughter and applause ] Like, "I'm sorry. I didn't know I was on a date
with John Wick." [ Laughter ] "You didn't mention that
on your profile, you know?" It was the first time
I actually got to feel what women feel when you go
on these random dates. Like, ladies, I get it now. [ Laughter ] I was so nervous,
I was texting all of my boys, like, "If anything
happens to me, I'm with Jessica.
Make sure you look for Jessica. She's crazy."
[ Cheers and applause ] I'm Ian Lara.
You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much! ♪♪ -That's the way to do it, buddy.
So good. Ian Lara! For more info,
go to ianlaralive.com.
That was painfully average.
Waited a full minute for a joke, and when it came it sucked.
I chuckled once or twice, but there was nothing there that deserved multiple applause breaks. I think they were inserted in post.
I liked this guy, haters
When it says NYC comedian, what does that mean?