-Thank you, thank you.
I'm happy to be here. Thank you. [ Cheering ]
Uh... [ Cheering continues ] I don't like the movie
"Home Alone." I get why some people do, man. 'Cause some people, "Home Alone"
is ridiculous comedy. They laugh at it
like it's nonsensical. "Ha ha ha! Who would ever leave
a child unattended? "Ha ha ha ha ha! Who would ever leave
an 8-year-old boy home alone?" Uh, my dad.
He did it all the time. [ Laughter ] The first time I watched
"Home Alone," I was home alone. [ Laughter ] I was praying for my life. [ Cheers and applause ] Because of that, I had to be
raised with my grandparents, and, like, the only thing
I regret about being raised by old people
is every now and then I'll say something an old woman
would say. [ Laughter ]
Like, this is a conversation I had with my roommate.
He was in the kitchen. I walked in. I'm like,
"Hey, man, what you doing?" He was like, "Washing dishes." I was like, "Not with cold
water, you ain't." Like that's... [ Laughter and applause ] That's something that came out
of my mouth to another adult. I grew up in the hood,
but I'm not a thug. Not for lack of trying. [ Laughter ] It's just that whenever I try
to sound gangster, my vernacular
always discredits me. I'll give you guys an example.
I was at a house party. These dudes were trying to start
a fight with me and my homies. And the most intimidating thing
I could think about saying was this -- I walked up on 'em
all aggressive. Like, "Hey, dawg,
it'd behoove you to get to steppin', brother." [ Laughter ] "Come out here
with that rigma-roo." [ Laughs ] [ Applause ] Oh, man. I got beat up
that night, rightfully so. [ Laughter ] You don't say "behoove"
in the hood. You can't be a thug like,
"Hey, dawg, bequeath me my pistol."
It doesn't work. [ Laughter ] Where I'm from,
there's different rules. Like, where I'm from,
it's rude to correct somebody if you know what they meant. We all know these petty people,
right? You say, like, "Hey, man,
I'll see you tomorrow." "You mean today?
It's after midnight." "Like, shut up and die.
You know what I meant." [ Laughs ] This happened to me
the other day. I was at the duck pond
minding my business. [ Laughter ] Yes, I go to the duck pond. I told y'all, I was raised
with my grandparents. Going to the duck pond
is like going to the club for old people. [ Laughter ] So I was at the duck pond
sitting under a willow tree playing chess by myself. [ Laughter ] This guy overheard
my conversation. He waited till I got off the
phone to jump in and correct me. He was like, "Excuse me, sir,
I think you meant to say geese." I was like, "What?" He was like, "Yeah, geese.
More than one goose -- they're actually called geese." I was like,
"Oh, what did I call 'em?" He was like,
"You called them goosesses." [ Laughter ] I'm like, "Come on, man, you
know what I mean. Goosesses." I was upset not only that
he corrected me. I was upset that,
like, he sounded offended, like I had somehow misgendered
a goose, you know what I mean? He made me feel like a drunk
redneck at a duck pond screaming racial obscenities. Like... [ Country accent ]
"Look at all these goosesses! Hey, you! Yeah, you!
Go back to Gooseica!" [ Normal voice ] Like that.
That's how he made me feel, man. And I'm not like that.
I don't like to offend people. I try my best not to.
Sometimes we can't avoid it. I was on a flight and this lady
had her baby with her. And during our conversation
I asked her -- I was like, "Hey,
what's your daughter's name?" And she got upset
because it was a little boy. And I tried my best to apologize
to her, but she wouldn't accept
my apology. She was like, "Well, it's
obvious he's a little boy. He's wearing blue.
Boys wear blue." And the best thing about this
conversation is she had on a blue cardigan. [ Laughter ] So I was like,
"Well, you know what? "You're right, sir,
I apologize." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] "No, for real. Man to man,
dude to dude, my bad. I didn't mean... I didn't mean
to ruin this father/son moment." [ Laughter ] The name of that joke is
"Gender is a social construct." [ Cheers and applause ] I'm following my dreams.
I don't recommend it. Uh... [ Laughter ] It's hard, man. I do comedy
full-time, which means I have to get, like,
part-time jobs, like mainly at, like,
fast food restaurants. And I hate working
at fast food restaurants 'cause I feel like a monster,
right? I feel like I'm harming
the American public, right? I have to lie every time
I serve food. I have to tell people,
have a nice day, knowing they're going
to have explosive diarrhea immediately after. [ Laughter ] It's the devil's work. [ Laughter ] And the only reason I can
justify working at a fast food restaurant,
it's the easiest job to get. It's so easy to get
a fast food job, you could mess up your interview
by being too professional. I learned that the hard way.
I had a interview, and I handed the guy my résumé.
He got scared and jumped back, like, "Whoa, hold on, man,
what's that?" [ Laughter ]
"I was like, "It's my résumé." He was like,
"Oh, I thought you was serving me court papers, dawg." [ Laughter ] "I thought that was a subpoena." I'm Kiry Shabazz. You all
have been great. thank you. ♪♪♪♪ -I like your "Home Alone."
That was a great joke. [ Cheers and applause ] Kiry Shabazz! [ Cheers and applause ]
Honestly, great stage presence, good timing, came across as confident and sincere. I feel like you drew in the audience pretty well with your personality. I really don't have anything to criticize. Great potential; keep it up!
DUDE. Congrats on the "gig". Saw it live when it aired. The Home Alone bit was gold and a perfect way to get everything rolling. The "behoove" bit had me rolling when I saw it.
[removed]
Saw your set on air with my girl and said "damn, I fuck with homies hair." and had a good laugh.
Now I can tell you in person. I fuck with your hair, homie.
Sorry this wasn't constructive criticism lol.
Edit: I will add that your bit on your vernacular giving you away is incredibly relatable to me as a black man raised by white parents.
You don't need help or advice. You just need more attention. I laughed through most of this, the hardest was at the court papers line. Damned if I ain't felt exactly like that a few times.
Watching at a friends house and we were all laughing. "Not with cold water you ain't"stuck with me same with the way you vernacular is subtle funny
You are the real deal. Very confident. The right mix of personal and universal. You have some very original, yet relatable content. My only note is more!
"Bequeath me my pistol!". Fuck i cracked up. Great stuff!
Great job Kiry. Making Laughing Skull Comedy Festival alumni look good! We will be posting it today w some spend.