I Have To Rant About This Movie

I know it's late but I just need to whine and complain and rant about a movie I just saw really quickly you know how much I love bad movies that are so bad that they're good I think it's the most fun you can have is getting together with friends and watching absolutely atrocious movies or shows that you can laugh at and make fun of together and there was a new Banger or so I thought that was coming out called Pope's Exorcist this is Russell Crowe as what I thought would be like a John Wick of Exorcist going out there and just slapping demons around like actually Kung fuing them and like overpowering them fist fighting like that's the impression I got from the trailer I thought it was gonna be like absolutely wild and nutty and I just came back from the theater after seeing it and my God there's just a lot that I need to talk about in terms of disappointment and bewilderment that this movie even got made in the first place so I'm going to treat this like a little confessional here and own up to some sins seeing this was a sin and I understand the Lord forgives all sins but I feel like after he takes a peek at the Rotten Tomatoes 83 audience score he's going to flood the Earth again out of pure embarrassment for even making our species this movie is so far from an 83 percent it's laughable it is not good by any means I don't know why the audience go or is so high like it is guilty of more sins than any of the demons in the film it well even though there's only one main demon it is the most generic horror schlock of all time but its biggest crime is being boring it borrows every single generic horror plot point every generic horror movie cliche of like you know sitting up from the bed like the Undertaker because the child's possessed and he has like a deep demony voice uh every single like horror movie Trope is just ham-fisted into this all of it dumped into this witch's cauldron and brewed into a disgusting stew like it is not even done in a fun way there's nothing creative or enjoyable about it it's boring mostly though there are some fun moments like fun bad moments that I'll talk about but overall I am just blown away by how uninteresting the film was after seeing the trailer the trailer got me hype I knew this was wasn't going to be a good movie I don't feel like anyone with a working pair of eyes would watch the trailer for the Pope's Exorcist and be like wow that might be pretty damn good like that was never a thought that crossed anyone's mind I doubt but I I as well as many others I imagine were under the impression like wow this will be like entertainingly silly but it really wasn't it didn't even try to be scary first of all like that was the wildest thing to me it really didn't even try to be a horror movie it scares mainly consisted of the standard lift people up using you know Jedi force powers and throw them around the room or knock over a couple of crosses well and I guess there is of course the cliche of like bone snapping walking on all fours but past that it doesn't even really try to build tension there's not even jump scares which is like the easiest slam dunk for horror films where they could just throw in a bunch of jump scares and people like oh my God it was horrifying but it didn't even bother with that it just does nothing it's just so Bland it's it's just an empty calorie of a film I did something I very rarely do I took notes during this film because I was so dumbfounded by what I was watching so I'm just gonna go over it start to finish there will be spoilers there's a lot I want to talk about so Russell Crowe hops back in the saddle here dusting off the acting chops to tackle the lead role of a powerful Exorcist named Gabriella amorth and the film opens with him performing an exorcist on a guy who's struggling with the devil coming over him so he's bouncing around the bed all crazy like a toddler going through a sugar rush and Gabriella is asking him questions like a little interrogation you know what's my name what do you want who are you you're Satan aren't you you're Satan and then he's like yeah I'm Satan I'll possess anyone I know everything and then Gabriella's master plan is he brings in a pig and he's like I don't believe you you're not Satan if you were Satan you could possess this pig and he's like yeah I could possess that pig I can [ __ ] possess him watch me possess that pig and Gabrielle's like do it possess that pig so then he does and then the guy is back to normal and then once the the Satan is inside the pig they just blast the pig's head off with a shotgun which honestly set the bar pretty high immediately because I was like okay that was fun silly bad he just literally did like [ __ ] Middle School reverse psychology on Satan what a [ __ ] buffoon to fall for that one the oldest trick in the book it's then explained a few scenes later that this wasn't a real possession this was mental illness and Gabriella was just doing a bit of theater but he really did just execute that pig right in front of that guy in order to convince him that the demon was no longer there and because he executed that pig he then had to go through like a religious legal proceeding where he stood trial with these other Bishops that were like this is unnecessary you're performing Exorcist it's not there's no such thing as this evil you know we don't need this kind of big Exorcist position anymore you're out of line Gabriella we don't really need you anymore so Gabriella is like you guys don't know what real evil is even if 98 of them are like mental illness and not real possession they're still two percent that's just pure evil and you need me so then he walks out but not before making a goofy noise so as he turns his back to him and it turns out Gabriella was also like a lawyer at one point or something I believe he mentioned so this was actually like a Saul Goodman moment where he was just like defending himself in religious court and ultimately ends with them being like yeah we don't really need you so Gabriella storms off and then as he's about to exit the door he goes for no [ __ ] reason because it was something he did earlier to a group of like nuns that walked by him I guess that was like a catchphrase they try or like a a calling card they tried to use for the very beginning of the film and then forgot about it because he never does it again after these two scenes but there's a group of nuns that walked by him and he goes like literally blowing raspberries at them and they Giggle and walk by so then he does it again after that whole religious legal proceeding uh and he drops it after that but like it started fun bad it was like oh this is super silly but it seems almost self-aware and I'm having fun but then it totally loses all of that charm the core part of the movie that unfolds where a family just went through a loss with their father and a woman's husband passing away and the only thing they have left is this giant estate this Holy Ground that they're getting like Renovations done to so there's a ton of workers and they end up unearthing something Unholy now before getting to that the family is as cookie cutters it gets the mom's you know strong on her own she's mentally sound like she's doing everything she can for her children they mean the world to her uh the daughter is a rebellious teen who I'm not exaggerating first thing when she gets in the house is goes up to one of the workers grabs a cigarette asks for the light gets a light with the cigarette then sits on the balcony over the front porch and the mom's like put that cigarette out what are you doing he's like oh and then walks off storms off mad at her mom so this was as cliche as it gets with a teenage girl and teenage angst and then of course she's always listening to like loud music and hates her mom like uh mom you're being such a square get out of my room mom I'm busy listening to music so that's her whole character which means nothing because after like 10 minutes it it doesn't none of this [ __ ] matters but that's her and then they also have a son a younger brother he's like 12 or something I don't really know but he's traumatized because he watched their dad die so it wasn't like some kind of normal passing or anything it was some kind of car accident that wasn't fully explained but he ended up getting impaled through the head and the son sat there and watched it so he was traumatized from it and refused to talk now after all of this is established over the course of like a five minute Speed Run of getting across the most two-dimensional characters of all time that child is exploring the the house and he goes into the basement and he sees like this glory hole and he takes a peek through it and there's like a door with symbols on it and it ends up kind of possessing him it sinks its fangs into him this is how the demon gets in he literally comes in through the [ __ ] glory hole in the basement so the child ends up immediately getting possessed within the first couple of minutes of being there and then some of the workers go into the basement and they also notice the glory hole they're like oh man this is this is absolutely absurd is there no decency where's the class so they're peeking through the glory hole and one of them lights a flare and was going to put the flare through the glory hole but it ends up turning into a flamethrower and cremating them which scares off all the other workers so then all the other workers leave and then it's just the family left in the house with their child who is now possessed everything I've explained right now happens almost instantly like all of this was so quick there was no build up to any of it no tension at all it was done as quickly as possible to get to like I guess what they deem to be the scary parts with the child having like a demon voice and saying crude s creepy things but anyway after The Possession the Vatican gets word about this and then they send gabrielli out there like Gabriella I've got real scary stuff happening at this location he's like I'm on it Chief you know give me my badge in my gun I'm going in so Gabriella is then sent there like some kind of [ __ ] religious assassin to take down a demon and I really thought he was gonna roll up in like some kind of Justice League jet like or something right out of the X-Men where they have like crazy [ __ ] jet I thought he was gonna fly in on some high-tech [ __ ] but then he rolls up in a moped so he just kind of scoots on in on his moped shows up to the house in order to start attacking the demon and the demon which Is possessing the boy is a real wacko like this guy is a goofball so before Gabriella gets there like right before he gets there the mom notices something's wrong with the child he's kind of bedridden and he looks pale and then he starts talking in a not really deep voice but you know that like goofy voice you'd make as a child growing up like the yeah like that kind of [ __ ] where you like vocal fry yourself and then try and make it deeper that's the voice the very cliche horror movie demon voice and the mom then hugs the child in order to like you know calm him down and while I'm that's happening she looks down and it turns out the child is squeezing her titty and then she's like oh goodness gracious and he's like you didn't breastfeed me enough Mommy I [ __ ] you not that is that is what he says and he's like oh God like covers herself up even more and then he starts laughing about like squeezing her tit and then he says bring me the priest so they brought in a priest that wasn't Gabriella first his name was Thomas and it was a bigger mismatch than when Krillin tried to fight Frieza Thomas shows up and immediately gets [ __ ] ragdolled by that demon he gets thrown out of the room and he's like good Heavens this is a little much for me we're gonna need the big guns so he leaves and then Gabriella shows up so then it's the two of them and they try to tag team the demon in order to you know solve this situation so Gabriella gets in there and he starts his interrogation and the demon immediately showcases that he's more powerful than all the other ones Gabriella scene because he knocks a cross off the wall like I'm so tired of seeing that in horror movies where like this really powerful demon can only do like a couple of trivial things like blow over a vase or move a chair slightly or throw a bucket of dirt against the wall it's like who cares it's not it's not intimidating that's [ __ ] embarrassing but Gabriella is like oh jeepers creepers and then he's like what's my name and the demon gets it right he's like you're Gabriella amorth then he gets blasted with memories from his past sins that he hasn't fully forgiven himself for so there's like a moment where he's in a war and then there's like a lady and then the demon pukes up a bird and then Gabriella is like oh I'm out of here so then he [ __ ] Waddles out of the room goes up to the other priest Thomas and he's like okay that guy means business so then he instructs Thomas to confess his sins to him so they can't be used against him when they go uh you know talk to the demon again so Thomas is like all right it's been eight months since I went to confession and he starts to confess his sins and Gabriella is like eight months okay this is gonna take too long he's like okay uh Lord all of his sins are forgiven he's very sorry trust me so he he literally uses a cheat code to forgive his sins on behalf of God which I thought was like almost disrespectful it's like what the [ __ ] is can you do that like are you allowed to do that like do you have the power to just say like all of his sins are forgiven without him actually confessing it I was like damn that was weird like he had no interest at all in hearing like the sins he was going to confess to he's like yeah whatever you're [ __ ] good literally just gives him the stamp of approval and he's like all right time to go and when they get into the room unsurprisingly the first thing the demon does is show Thomas his sins that he has clearly not been absolved of it looks like Gabriella didn't have the authority to do that so he immediately just gets blasted with his sins and the D calls him panty sniffer he says that he [ __ ] the daughters of members of his congregation and then this makes Thomas very upset that he'd mentioned that so Thomas goes over him over to him the child that's possessed by the demon and two hands strangles him and shakes him like Homer Simpson strangling Bart it was so goofy and Gabrielle is like please Thomas no don't do it that's what he wants as a child's like ah getting [ __ ] strangled by Thomas that was a that was a good [ __ ] silly scene but uh after that then the demon laughs and then he targets uh Gabriella and he's like you know what I want to do Gabriella I Wanna [ __ ] you I wanna [ __ ] you so hard that when you start coming you're gonna feel ashamed by the release I I'm not kidding that was his statement like when asked about his main goal it was to [ __ ] Gabriella and and not like in a literal sense to [ __ ] Gabriella at least from the way he was speaking about it which was jarring to hear that it was so weird it was so [ __ ] weird and then they start trying to get like the religious artifacts out on them like the power of Christ compels you type [ __ ] and it's not working the demon then turns off the lights which for some reason makes them stop immediately and I'm kind of just giving you like an overall plot summary of everything that happens here but I want to stress and I can't stress enough how there is at no point any attempt to even build tension or show you unnerving things or make anything scary it it's like AI generated a script of a horror film without figuring out how to execute on the scares that They're copying from all the horror films before it like it just it is so Bland but anyway after the lights go out uh Gabriella and Thomas split up Gabriella then goes outside and notices that there's a seal of the Vatican on like a well so he ties a rope to the top of the well and then his moped and drives it and then which you know takes the lid off the well Thomas is still inside posted up making sure like the demon child's not up to any any silly stuff any fishy business but then things start popping off uh the mom has like a giant arm come over her while she's sleeping and I don't even know how she's able to even like [ __ ] find the time to go to sleep with the demon child always yelling and screaming and like throwing things around the room well that's an exaggeration knocking things around the room lightly but she's like in bed trying to sleep and then a giant hand comes over her face and drags her into the mattress slowly and then the daughter who's in her rebellious stage is uh trapped in a closet with like a bunch of like scratches going across the wood next to her and Thomas is there and he you know approaches the demon about it like stop it demon and then the demon bites his ear like full-blown Mike Tyson bites a piece of his ear and Thompson is like oh my you you didn't just do that like you didn't yell or scream or anything he gets his ear bitten off and he just looks more like inconvenience than anything he's like there goes a piece of my ear zoinks God damn it and they just like walks back out so Gabriella then realizes that there's a lot more at play here than they originally thought there's a bigger mystery of foots now that he's open this well and he sees a bunch of like skeletons and then he drops a piece of fire paper in there to see how deep the well goes which of course causes it to erupt like a goddamn volcano again just like what happened with the glory hole and Gabriella rushes back in sees all the chaos he pulls the mom out from the bed and then he uh opens the closet door where the daughter was getting attacked by little scratches and he's like this is a not a good place to do that so please stop cease that foolishness and the demon stops and then the lady there the girl leaves the closet and then we have the most generic plot device when it comes to horror films ever Gabriella reveals that all they need to do in order to save the day is learn the Demon's name this is something that has been used in every [ __ ] horror movie that deals with demons or possession since the beginning of [ __ ] time it is so lazy and boring but that's the major plot point it's them then needing to find out what the Demon's name is so they start exploring they also confront the demon again who reveals what his real plot was to possess Gabriella he didn't want to just possess the family he wanted Gabriella so they're exploring the premises they eventually find that glory hole and they bust it open they go inside the uh the area turns out it's a catacombs where there's a bunch of these skeletons all over the place uh and then while this is happening the like super high tier Bishop like max level Bishop that sent Gabriella here in the first place then starts having a panic attack he's like it's worse than we thought he read like a letter or something from like a book of reports that they keep getting about the situation he's like oh my goodness so he starts freaking out he's like and then he has like a little mini heart attack he ends up in the hospital and as they're exploring the catacombs they're learning like wow this dates back like [ __ ] 400 years ago like this Demon's been around for a long time and the Vatican tried to seal it off and cover it up and then while that's going on the priest is like the high high Bishop is laying in bed surrounded by some of the priests that were part of like the the religious legal proceeding and then he pulls off his oxygen mask and just pukes up blood on one of them so I guess he was starting to get like possessed too to some level or he was really just stressed out about the situation but uh they eventually find a like this almost ritualistic chamber I can't remember exactly what it was for but it has like a torture device in there it also then has like what was a very strong priest back in the day on like a throne and they read his diary and in that diary they learned the Demon's name it's asmodeus and he can possess a lot of different people he's like a [ __ ] puppet master and Aaron I saw this with Aaron as well as Ridley Eli and Tiana Aaron made a great point if the whole thing is you only need the Demon's name in order to win that super strong priest must have been really lacking like he must have been [ __ ] you know overdosing on Xanax or something and really dropped the ball because he literally had asmodeus's name not only written down in the diary or written down in the book but had a full [ __ ] picture hand-drawn painting with like a stylized asmodeus name under there so like the name was readily available and was still unsuccessful in the exorcism and saving the day so that guy must have [ __ ] sucked he must have been terrible at his job so they learned the Demon's name is asmodeus as they learn that um one of the other priests that was really mean to Gabriella walks through and sees that the Lord on the crucifix is bleeding a little bit and he's like no oh and then he takes a sabbatical and and leaves for some reason uh so now they have the Demon's name they then confront the demon they're trying to like win but the demon you know starts possessing the daughter they still he still has the sun he's like writing things on his chest like God isn't here God is not welcome no God allowed you know this is a demons only club and he's like you know strangling someone with Thomas with his tie the demon girl that he's now possessed is like slapping the mom around and then Gabrielle in order to stop the madness is like all right fine just possess me so he does then possesses Gabriella his plan was to infiltrate the Vatican in order to cause Mayhem and wreak havoc and so he goes downstairs into the throne room and he grabs a giant scepter and Thomas walks in like the [ __ ] action movie hero and then uh he sees the girl that he [ __ ] from the congregation she's got like her titties out and [ __ ] and starts fighting they they get into a fist fight she's covered in blood Gabriella is still trying to fight back against asmodeus but it's not winning Thomas then has like this little coin or something that he pushes on the forehead of the girl which blows her up literally insta Gibbs her like it's Team Fortress 2 and then Gabriella's in like a one-on-one battle with the demon I also totally forgot a core component here because I'm getting lost in the sauce explaining it but one of Gabriella's big sins that the demon keeps showing him is a long time ago there was a lady who they thought was possessed gabrielli went there and learned it wasn't a possession it was a mental illness she was just talking about like sexual abuse trauma and stuff and Gabriella is like I'm not really equipped to handle that and then she bit the head off off of a bird in front of him and he's like yeah this is just mental element and then she ends up killing herself right in front of him and Gabriella feels immense regret for not helping her and working on the mental health side of exorcisms so that's why he swore to like do that from that point forward but he never forgave himself so the Demon's showing him that and then after Thomas blows up that girl they also the sound effect they use for the blowing up was [ __ ] fantastic I'm actually pretty sure it came straight from Counter-Strike after you armed the bomb that it sounded outrageous so after that um Gabriella is wrestling with that girl shaking her around and then Thomas throws in like a powerful religious artifact and he [ __ ] sticks it on her head throws her into like this pit of water and then starts reading the Demon's name to it and vanquishing it to hell and Saves the Day family safe Demons back in hell and then we have the ending of the film which once again brought it back to a silly bad state where um the the high Bishop that puked blood I guess is totally fine now you know maybe that's just something he does when he's stressed out I guess but like he wasn't even possessed or anything he's just like totally [ __ ] fine the other priest that took up sabbatical gets replaced uh and then they bring in Thomas and Gabriella and they're like yeah this was a serious situation but it's one of 200 you've only solved one out of 200 there's still 199 more to go are you willing to take up the task like actual actual Marvel Avengers Nick Fury recruiting them level [ __ ] and Thomas is like let's get the business and Gabriella reaches back for a handshake and says let's go to hell then that's where it ends literally setting it up for sequels like a [ __ ] men in black Style universe for this where they just go into different places and Performing exorcisms so that was the whole film in a nutshell the reason I wanted to explain all of it is because explaining it makes it sound far more fun shitty than it is everything I explained in theory is fun bad but an execution is [ __ ] awful I don't really know what the purpose of this movie was because like I said it doesn't even really try to be scary or unnerving it's actually just kind of a genuine waste of time there are entertaining moments like I said there are times where it is Goofy fun bad but that's not the overall experience with the film like there were times where we laughed at the silliness but most of the time it was just sitting there in silence wasting time watching it it just didn't do anything in general like I just didn't do anything it was just kind of a [ __ ] mess of a film where it had like DNA of all the horror films before it but didn't even bother to execute it in any meaningful way it didn't even try like it literally feels like they didn't try at all it just they had some kind of contractual obligation to fulfill so they just [ __ ] pooped this out as quickly as possible it really seemed like it was very rushed but uh yeah I wanted to talk about it because I was very excited to see this movie I've talked about it on stream a few times about how like I'm really confident that this will be a fun bad movie and I was just wrong it really wasn't fun bad at all so yeah I just kind of want to talk about a little bit in rant it's about it so yeah

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 4,101,543

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Id: FBIfkwUyoWk

Length: 25min 36sec (1536 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 18 2023