Madame Web is Horrible

Madame Webb is a movie a lot of people wrote off pretty quickly the trailers are abominable let's not you know beat around the bush here and the Press tour that Dakota Johnson went on who was the lead for this film was a real heads scratcher because she just openly seemed to despise the film with the way she talked about it one of her interviews she's like yeah I don't even know if the movie's good and spoiler alert turns out it wasn't so maybe she really can see the future cuz she knew this one was a super stinker this movie is a straightup clunker and this film was produced by some of the best in the business Matt sazama and Burke sharpless those might not be household names but I promise you're familiar with their work their resume is nothing but heaters Dracula Untold last witch hunter gods of Egypt Power Rangers morbius and Madame web they are without any exaggeration undoubtedly the Kobe Bryant and Sha of producing dog [ __ ] movies they only right horrible garbage and somehow they keep getting worse now I wouldn't say this film is worse than morbius but I would say it's just as bad it's not better it is just exactly the same as morbius in terms of how dog shitty it is so it's really impressive that throughout this decade of Matt saama and Burke sharpless working in Hollywood they've somehow found a way to start awful and find new ways of getting worse at it and then accidentally making the Power Rangers movie that was at least pretty decent I didn't hate that one but everything else everyone hates for the most part but anyway with that out of the way let's talk about Madam web here so I'm not Clairvoyant but I think everyone's going to dislike this one because there's almost nothing to like about it the actors and actresses in here they really don't seem to try very hard at all save for a couple of scenes which I think probably were some of the first scenes that were shot when the script was different as I understand it this script went through a lot of changes from when Dakota signed on to what eventually got puked out onto the big screen here so I think some of the good scenes where like the performances are actually giving an a [ __ ] about what's going on were probably from the original shoots before everything got caddy Wampus and ruined somewhere along this messy Journey but for the most part you're not even really watching Superheroes versus super villains you're watching zombies kind of just speak at each other occasionally it's like you're watching performances from people that are sleepwalking through their lines there's really no true effort and it's clear from the very beginning of this film I wrote notes in the beginning cuz I couldn't believe what I was watching and then at some point I got hypnotized and stopped writing notes and then at the very end after everything had happened the dust started to settle as it was like wrapping itself up in the last 2 minutes I just instantly fell asleep like I I I didn't even feel myself getting tired my eyes just closed and I was out for like 3 minutes until Aaron who went with me was like Charlie you're sleeping I was like oh my God I I didn't even know like my body shut down from like how confused I was that this movie even got made in the state that it's in but anyway very opening this is in the trailer that Meme he was with my mother when she was studying spiders right before she died or whatever that Line's not in there just like that but it is in there in the same Essence just broken up so from the very beginning that bad guy ezekiel's line is I agreed to be your bodyguard cuz I thought you were close to finding the spider that can give us the superpowers if we can use its abilities and I think I was paraphrasing cuz that was a few lines she interrupted him at some point but his first line is I agreed to be your body I agreed to be your bodyguard because you told me you were close to finding the spider that's going to give us superpowers or something to that effect and she's like it's a very elusive spider because it's so powerful and gives all of these superpowers like it there's no dialog in this movie that would ever be something a single human being would say to another in the real world it is baffling that anyone signed off on it cuz these aren't characters they're just ploto vessels and nothing else no character here has any personality whatsoever especially not the three spider women that Madame Webb is protecting they don't get any flushing out whatsoever they're basically just three characters that need to be saved just because and that's it there's no real reason for it and Madame web is a is a very interesting case study here because she's a paramedic thus her whole career is saving people yet when it comes to saving these three spider women she tries her best to just dump them off onto their parents which is basically just a death sentence because they're being hunted by evil Spider Guy so like I don't know what she thought would happen there like the parents just hit spider guy with a frying pan to defeat him or something but she does not want any part of this responsibility at all even though her career is [ __ ] saving people she wants nothing to do with actually saving them and reluctantly does so but I'm I'm jumping all around now too I'm so scatterbrained with how bafflingly bad this movie was so anyway like even from the very beginning it was clear that this dialogue was going to be terrible but it somehow finds a way to get even worse than you'd ever expect it to be but anyway so after the mother finds the spider she takes it to the camp and is Ezekiel betrays her he shoots two of the people the mom goes oh Jeepers Creepers zoinks what are you doing and she says I don't understand why and then goes on to explain that this spider if we can use its properties can help people and that's when Ezekiel the main bad guy gets his only amount of even an iota of an attempt to give him a background story or any motivation or whatever at all he says not interested in helping people because no one helped me and my family when we were starving and then he shoots her that's all we ever get about him as a character after that he becomes bent on just killing the three spider women because he can't stop having nightmares about them killing him as as like a prophecy that's going to happen in the future we get nothing else about that guy at all he is actually just cartoonishly evil beyond that nothing else and he also [ __ ] sucks at being a super villain because he has like these superhuman abilities but all he does is walk menacingly and crawl on the s sometimes and that's it he at no point ever really seemed like a threat at all even for a second there wasn't a single scene where I was like oh [ __ ] he's here this is going to be this is going to be a tough one also he can like poison people by like holding on to them like gripping them tight but other than his cheese touch and like the ability to crawl on walls he doesn't really do much else as a super villain except wine but anyway I actually pretty much summed up the entire narrative here the only thing I left out is how Cassie was born so after the mother gets shot it turns out she was pregnant and the locals that were using the spiders venom for superpowers picked up the mother and then delivered the baby for her after letting a spider bite her which of course gave Cassie Powers which didn't awaken until that accident that is now in the iconic viral clip that's gone around where as a paramedic she tries to save somebody and then the car ends up hitting the water and she bumps her head and now she can see the future kind of so the that's the origin of her power and the narrative is she can see the future and at one point she sees these three girls get killed by a spider guy and he he's a bad guy she doesn't like bad guys so she tries to save the girls from him and then she's just on the run the entire time and the spider guy wants to kill them because he doesn't want them to kill him it doesn't get any deeper than that really it's it's very it's very surface level [ __ ] uh and that's kind of the entire narrative in a nutshell with tons and tons and tons of awful scenes that make no sense at all but I'm not even going to bother breaking those down for you because who gives a [ __ ] it's they didn't give a [ __ ] when making it so why should you the the audience member uh I will say though this film for being a superhero film has no action at all in fact none of the superheroes even fight the bad guy and they don't even wear a costume or anything at all until the very like last scene of the movie The only thing you get for like a superhero Showdown is in spider guy's Visions where he sees the three spider women like beat him up and then toss him out of a window and that's like a 30-second scene after that they never actually fight him at all what happens is when he shows up Cassie hits him with a taxi cab at one point and then that St stuns him and then he shows up again like 30 minutes later and then Cassie hits him with an ambulance which stuns him that's the extent of their fighting the climactic final showdown he basically beats himself so Cassie's using her visions of the future and like kind of positioning him where he needs to be for the environment to take care of him because you know the environment's Going Up in Flames they did set up like some traps to a certain extent and they kind of like give him obstacles to go through but it's not really fighting him it's kind of like Amnesia when you're running away from the monster basically that's how their fights go with the the evil villain until eventually the environment beats him and then he gets crushed by a giant sign it sucks it sucks this isn't a superhero movie or anything at all this is just this is a [ __ ] slopfest is what it is it's not entertaining morbius I would actually argue was more entertaining than Madam web and that is saying something but again I don't think Madame Webb is necessarily worse than morbius I still think they're about equal in terms of their shittiness another thing that's painfully obvious is that this movie did its absolute best to erase any in all mention of Spider-Man or anything in that Universe whatsoever and tried to keep all of that as minimal as possible and you can actually Feel Some Cuts where things were just scrubbed so I truly believe the original vision for this film was something entirely different and what we got is just a mess and I'd like to give you a scene that I think perfectly encapsulates just how much effort went into this movie like how much thought went into this movie at the at the end of the day so while the three girls are hiding from Spider Guy and I should explain Spider Guy [ __ ] an NSA woman and got her passcode to all of the cameras across the globe so that way he could track down the three girls from his nightmares so he uses that technology to to basically transfer his Mind's Eye image of these three women and get them in the real world and he used the NSA computers to access all the cameras to real time find them with his assistant so that's how he's able to keep finding them and Cassie and the Gang knew that they knew they needed to avoid cameras and they eventually decided to go with Ben who's Cassie's friend and keep the three girls there while Cassie's doing some research of her own and that's working really well the three girls are at B's Place Spider Guy can't find them and that's all you know great stuff and then the woman staying with Ben has her water break and she's about to about to give birth so now they're rushing to get her to the hospital and by they I mean the entire kitten Kaboodle the entire group for some reason decides to accompany Ben and the woman to the hospital so all three girls now get in a car and take off down Public Road and immediately get picked up by cameras because [ __ ] obviously they would why were they going with them to the hospital I have no idea they could have just stayed at the house because that was clearly working and I I don't know if I didn't hear the reason why they went with them or if they just didn't even bother because they didn't think anyone would be awake long enough to even get to that scene I don't know but they could have just stayed at the house and been completely safe and avoided conflict with spider guy if they had just stayed there which would have been the logical thing too because why does Ben want these three teenage girls accompanying them to the hospital in the first place for the birth here there's just no there's no logic to it why would you do just [ __ ] stay there just stay there and wait but anyway they don't that's just an example of how little thought even really went into the movie I just don't see what the point of making it even was anymore it doesn't tie into anything spider verse related it doesn't want to it really does doesn't want to and it doesn't really want to try to stand on its own two legs either so why make it I don't get it it's just another blemish on the the record of this screenwriting Duo that keeps making trash I I I like after seeing it I'm just kind of at a loss for words for what they expected the response to this one to be cuz I really can't imagine anyone sitting down and enjoy it the biggest sin this movie commits is that it's boring it's really boring if you're going to a superhero film there's at least a couple things you expect like the basics of having fights at the bare minimum morbius for all of its flaws had fights this doesn't even have that there's there's none of that it's just the worst dialogue ever constantly and nothing more and somehow even with all of this dialogue you still learn nothing about about the characters they're still so Bland because they don't even give them depth or try to it's just constantly either saying not good jokes or just saying a whole bunch of [ __ ] nothing to begin with so anyway to sum it all up Madame web not good boo pretty stinky if I was to plug it into the moist meter I'd give Madame web a 15% I would say but uh yeah I will wouldn't even call it like a fun bad movie it was just it was just bad I don't know if this one's going to pop off with memes like morbius did because there's really nothing memeable about it other than really bad dialogue and nothing else it's yeah but we'll see uh anyway that's about it yeah actually got you with a classic prank I wanted to mention one more thing by the end of the film Cassie finally you know figures out how her powers work really well and she immediately uses it to be annoying so at the end of the film she ends up going blind to match her comic book counterpart and she immediately starts seeing the future for everything and the way she applies this is the the three girls come over with some takeout food and she's like oh thanks for the and then list the takeout food and they're like how did you know that and she just Smiles I saw it and then she says bless you to one of them and she goes what do you mean bless you h predicting her sneeze so she's using it just to be annoying that's so hype I mean amazing I just had to mention that okay now now that's it see you

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 2,933,418

Keywords:

Id: lh9FFctcshw

Length: 15min 41sec (941 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 15 2024