I Accept Boyfriend's Proposal But His Family Soon Drops Bombshell On Me & Now I Stop Our Engagement

i've been dating this great guy for six years he's a single father to three amazing girls his first wife died several years ago before the world went to trash he took me out to a very fancy dinner and asked me to marry him the girls then came out and asked me to be their mom and they all presented me with an amazing ring he told me was a family ring i said yes shortly after they all went back out west to help his parents settle something with the family company they recently came back finished their isolation and got tested to be safe and he came to see me and just said he wanted to talk well he dropped a bombshell that what i thought was a small family company is actually a million dollar tech company i was shocked he never acted or looked rich he and the girls live in a nice standard family home for the area and wear nice clothing but it's not like i've ever seen him or the girls or items in his house that would be considered luxury brands when we went out we would always sneak snacks into movies pack a lunch bag to go split bills fly economic et cetera he said he never told me because he wanted to find love again with someone that cared about him and his girls not his money he then went on about how the trip back was really to set up the main house for us i'd already planned on moving in with him once we got married so that was not a problem but now he tells me i can be a housewife and just do whatever i want to be happy i still love him but i feel like now there's so much i don't know about him and i want to just put pause on the engagement and get to know him again i told this to my friends and they all say i will be an idiot if i did so cause then i'm confirming his fear that money would play a role in our relationship and that i should understand why he lied he and the girls are already in full wedding planning mode and i don't want to hurt them especially the girls as they've already lost so much my friends tell me i should just move forward and that even asking them to wait would make me a monster since they all clearly love me and i love them so would it be wrong if i asked to slow things down i still want to be with him but i feel like i need to get to know this part of him too but everyone around me is saying to just go forward as normal as to not rock the boat but this feels anything but normal edit i've lost parts as i kept trying to put this all into words so to respond to many questions he does not expect me to be a housewife but i can if i want i love my job but we have talked about it before that working does not leave me with much time to do other things i enjoy he says he just wants me to be happy so if that means i don't work and can do for example more volunteer work then he had no problem with that and will fully support me also people say a million dollar company is not that much in perspective truth is i don't really know still he showed me the net worth and stock info for the company and family and him but i don't understand it all when he explained it again to me he said that if he lost a million dollars walking down the street he would never even bother looking for it so while i say million i still don't really know or understand but that's just another problem i'm having right now none is wrong here both sides of the story are understandable he's lost his wife the girls have lost their mom and he wanted to be cautious about new love you have just had a bombshell dropped a good one for sure but needing to take a minute to absorb all of this isn't unreasonable the girls being so excited warms my heart to no end they must really love you a lot maybe talk to your fiance and explain the shock of this the need to breathe a bit and then sit down with those three little cuties and talk about how you're gonna wait for a bit they love you it'll be okay edit to add i think you will find very soon that there is no other part of him to know he's still him just with deeper pockets he has three little ladies to protect and he did what he felt he needed to in order to make sure they stay safe and loved friends are kind of idiots suggesting that you should do something you aren't 100 on board with right now is not cool to not rock the boat what this isn't about caving and getting pineapple on pizza because he loves it this is your marriage you don't marry someone to avoid a rocky boat my ex-girlfriend and i had a daughter just before i finished my last year of medical school things went south with our relationship during the pregnancy mostly because i was so busy with my schooling that she had to do most of the legwork we've since broken up and she is now married with two other children girl and boy and i'm married with one other child boy i've shared custody of my daughter 50 50 since day one my wife and i met during residency we're both radiologists and do quite well for ourselves as such we have the means to provide a lot of things for our two children my ex is a stay-at-home mom but her husband owns a small business and while they're not rich they do live comfortably while my ex is happy that her daughter gets the privileges that she does she has always expressed a mild resentment towards the fact that her other two children do not enjoy the same benefits she's never expected that we buy things for her other children just that we try not to overdo it so as to not create a divide between my daughter and her half-siblings i understood this as i did not want there to be hostility in the home that my daughter lives in half the time i've also taught my daughter to treat others equally and made her understand the place of privilege she comes from so that she never looks down on her siblings she's become a very down-to-earth and bright young woman and we're extremely proud of her however things came to a head with my ex last week though on my daughter's birthday my daughter expressed near the beginning of high school that she wanted to pursue medicine like her stepmother and i we never pushed her towards this we've guided her along the way to ensure that she has a competitive application good references etc at our alma mater college harvard she has worked extremely hard to get the grades she has through high school and is quite likely to receive an acceptance with the references we helped her secure to reward her for everything we surprised her with a new car on her birthday she never needed one before but will to travel to and from college etc and also informed her that we would be fully taking care of all of her college expenses she was over the moon on this as she never expects or feels entitled to anything she called her mom soon after to give her the good news but apparently my ex did not share in the joy as much as she'd hoped my ex called me soon after to express how unfair it was that my daughter would be showing up with this brand new car when they can't even afford it for themselves let alone their children her other daughter is also hoping to pursue medicine but they are unable to afford to pay for her schooling she thinks these gifts will drive a massive wedge between the sisters and i feel worried about it but i honestly don't know what else i could do i can't just deny my daughter free ride to college when we can easily afford it am i wrong here you are not wrong you're keeping her at the same level as you treat your other children just because your ex can't provide the same for hers does not make you wrong for providing for your daughter your ex would probably get mad if you bought it for your children with your current partner but didn't get the daughter you shared one if your ex really complains just offer to have the car stay at your house until your daughter goes off to college my fiance is quite well off and while i don't make as much as him i certainly would not be struggling on my own he rotates between a few very expensive watches that he wears to work and while we have a good grasp on financial literacy we aren't shy about spending for the important parts of life we openly share finances so i know he isn't secretly in debt or any such nonsense the ring is nice and understated but more of a nice stacker than an engagement ring to show off the stone which i'm doubtful of being a diamond is quite small it is not heirloom when friends or family get engaged there's always the excitement in sharing the news and inevitably someone will ask to see the ring and then everyone coos over it and it's a good time when i showed mine the mood got awkward and they feigned excitement just long enough until it was okay to change the topic this is not a knock on them they are just terrible liars i would like to make clear that i'm not expecting a three-month salary ring or an over-the-top wedding however this is a piece i will be wearing daily for decades and is largely considered a symbol of his love i know not all feel this way but we do or at least i thought we did but i really don't think i'm out of line for thinking of it as a long-term investment piece given the amount of wear it will see and the sentimentality behind it surely it's worth more than a gaming console price is not important so much as i don't care if he spent a thousand dollars or a hundred thousand dollars on it but this ring looks cheap it is not quality craftsmanship the dampened excitement of showing off my ring was only a part of my post the rest being that his drastic low ball on a piece i will be wearing every day for the rest of my life doesn't seem like the symbol of love one traditionally associates with engagement and wedding pieces it's about having a very wealthy fiance that invests more into the latest gaming console than he does a lifelong symbol of our love to you a ring might be just a ring but unless otherwise discussed it would be silly to assume it to be a throwaway item in my culture as well the engagement ring is paired with the wedding band not replaced update he came home and we were settling down around dinner i started the conversation with honey i'd like to talk about the ring and before i could finish he just blew up started yelling oh finally and how i'd ruined everything by waiting so long to be brief he bought a crappy ring from a jeweler who got bad reviews so that when i got upset over it he could dump me under the guise that i was a gold digger he has apparently been having an affair turns out global issue had shortened his work hours not extended with a younger model that he's earned but knew that breaking things off when everyone loved me so much would hurt his optics so he had to make it my fault he knew that leaving this pariah ship would gain him sympathy and there was a lot of rhetoric that clearly wasn't his own words but something he was parroting from what i highly suspect is a much too influential work friend that i've had disagreements with in the past changes i had attributed to work stress are glaringly obvious to me now as symptoms of something more malicious under the surface and i feel really ashamed i didn't see things more clearly earlier or wasn't somehow able to head things off before they got this far i won't be sticking around to dig any deeper but i know my now ex-fiancee would not have done and said the things he did without being pushed from bad influences behind the scenes this doesn't mean i forgive him i think he is incredibly weak and feeble-minded for letting this happen to us but i also doubt i will be contacting many of our mutual friends as the dust settles i left in the middle of his tirade around the 15-minute mark and am staying at my mother's i haven't cried yet and i think i'm still waiting for it all to suddenly make sense but i know logically it might not ever my 29 female parents have always been in financial trouble something that i've never been able to understand because they both have a really generous salary more than three times my own because of these financial troubles my aunts uncles and grandma have had over the years to lend them money we were evicted a couple of times that i know we have had the water the electricity and the internet cut many things that over the years i admit have affected my emotional and mental health all of this has made my relationship with my parents very difficult over the years more when they would take advantage of me making me pay for many things with the money that i earned working during holidays to pay for college or making me call my grandma to ask her for money all of it while my mom used to spend money whenever she could in purses or jewelry in the moment i became an adult because they started to sign on the bills under my name without my permission mostly because their credit was so bad that the companies wouldn't allow them to sign without their own names when i figured it out i asked them to stop but they just lied about it and i just let it go because i couldn't deal with it fast forward to the present because of the global situation i was looking forward to the money from my income tax return because my salary has gone down so this money would have helped a lot instead of it i received a letter from a courthouse saying that the money has been confiscated i immediately phoned my mom and she said that she didn't know anything about it but she will fix it since i don't trust her at all i called the court myself and then they explained to me that during the last year there's been a process against me by a company i owe money from unpaid bills all the papers had been sent to my parents and they had to sign and take them the debt was not paid with the money from the tax income so part of my salary from now on will be confiscated too until it's fully paid so my parents stole my identity to contract a bill under my name didn't pay for it and when the company claims that debt through lawyers and a judge they kept all the papers from me which is also illegal apparently waiting for all of it to be fixed by itself my mother said it was her right to put it under my name because i am her daughter and it is my duty to help her with the family burdens since then and after really nasty words from her side and my sisters who says that i am ungrateful and selfish i haven't spoken to them and i'm in the middle of a global situation with my salary already low paying for a debt that is not mine my friends and boyfriends say that i should talk with the police and stop all of this because otherwise they will keep doing it and i'm afraid they will so will i be the idiot if i speak with the court even if it means that my parents 70 and 63 could go to jail seriously not the idiot opie if your sisters see nothing wrong with this then they can let your parents use their names from now on a hundred percent thing is chances are this is just the peak of the iceberg they started doing this when op turned 18. opie is 29 by now there are likely 11 years of debt accumulated interest and other stuff waiting to come crashing down on op at some point op knew some of this and decided to ignore it in a way acting similarly to her parents when it comes to dealing with problems she now has the chance to rectify this hopefully all of it opie really needs to get an oversight about all the debts claims and other stuff that exist against her and report her parents for every single last one so she won't be stuck with them asking on behalf of both my fiancee and i but obviously i'll be the one narrating the post we got engaged a few months ago we were both planning to propose on the same date but i got it done first but we didn't propose with rings because we both wanted to pick out our own rings to go through that process together we're both women so two engagement rings double financial whammies something to note is that we're both very privileged and have been given big head starts in life by our families my fiance and her older brother the brother-in-law in question both had their colleges paid for including law school and med school were given very nice cars and a very large lump sum intended for a down payment on a house i also had my schooling paid for and my parents paid for the down payment on the condo we live in right now our jobs are also very secure and relatively high paying so financially we're doing great especially considering we don't have or want kids too since we generally don't live very lavishly save for retirement etc we wanted to go a bit over the top on our rings since we both have dreamed of having the perfect engagement ring since we were young we're getting our rings custom made when my fiance's older brother found out we were getting our rings custom-made he asked us to pick smaller more low-key rings because he didn't want his fiancee to see our rings and be upset with him he proposed to her with a 300 ring which i'm guessing she wasn't happy about he could have definitely afforded something way nicer as a surgeon with no loans and a house half-paid for him he just thinks engagement rings are a waste of money he wanted us to get cheap or at least much cheaper than we were planning rings so that his fiancee wouldn't be jealous if she saw our rings and get upset with him i said no because why would i choose my engagement ring based off of what another couple wants and he told not asked us to buy a separate ring to wear whenever we came into contact with his fiancee or to post on social media in all honesty this was like the straw that broke the camel's back i don't like my brother-in-law at all he's very rude low-key misogynistic and really entitled my fiance and his relationship is a very bleak meh and really only held together by the willpower of her parents i'll admit that i'm petty so as soon as we hung up on him i suggested we significantly upgrade our ring budgets to a level we could still comfortably afford out of spite my fiance thought it'd be funny so she agreed i sent my brother-in-law the cad mock-ups of her upgraded rings it showed some pretty big rocks and he called me an idiot are we not the idiot if he supposedly doesn't care about engagement rings or thinks they're not worth spending on he has no business asking you to have yours made a certain way he was cheap didn't put any thought into it and now he's gonna get embarrassed because of your custom ring that's on him not on you edit also the heartfelt gesture of having a ring custom done is very nice it's not about the money you put into it it's the thought and time put into the ring even if you do put a lot of money in brother-in-law just doesn't want his fiancee to find out how cheap he is until after they're married if he's worried about her getting upset then she is already upset i hope the fiance knows what she's getting into

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Keywords: askreddit, r/askreddit, reddit, askwomen, reddit women, askreddit real voice, reddit stories, justnomil, r/aita, r/tifu, reddit engegement, reddit engegement ring, reddit engagement, party, reddit marriage proposal, reddit proposal ring, reddit family ring, reddit family drama, reddit engagement drama, reddit stop engagement, reddit postpone wedding

Id: gAlY5UJaHmU

Length: 19min 36sec (1176 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021