How to use Power Phrases, Body Language Signals & Other Tactics to Deal with Difficult People @ Work

leo and i'm going to demonstrate what preparing with paper really means let's say that i am in a meeting with a client or with my boss and their cell phone rings instead of simply sitting there like many of us do and say no that's okay just go ahead get it it's okay and not really doing anything while that person is on their smartphone or their cell phone what i'm gonna do is say that's fine and as you pick up your cell phone i'm gonna pick up my leather binder and i'm gonna open it up and i'm going to take out a pen i know these seem rare these days but i'm going to take out my pen and i'm going to start to be busy i might jot some notes down i might review some papers that i have here in this binder but what i'm not going to do is sit there and behave as if oh no i don't have anything to do i'm so not busy i'm just going to sit here and stare at the ceiling while you talk on your cell phone no the next time a cell phone rings or somebody has to take a call or do whatever instead of simply waiting for that person and by the way this is a fantastic strategy to use during a job interview many times the people that are interviewing us purposely have a call set up or something set up during the interview to see how we behave while they're busy so be prepared bring a folder if you don't have a leather binder or always bring something with you that is not technology so that while they are on their gadget you can open up your papers do a little bit of work take some notes you know you might just be writing something down such as i'm writing things down while this person is talking on their cell phone but then as soon as they're done what you're going to do is say great where were we and get right on with the meeting that will set you apart and make you look like someone who always has something to do and it will make you look that way because you were prepared with paper prepare with paper look prepared and while we're on the subject of cell phones and technology and things like that remember that proper cell phone etiquette is when you're sitting down to have a conversation with somebody anybody especially in a professional environment especially something such as a meeting with a prospect a meeting with a client a meeting with your boss or whether you're maybe you're on a romantic date proper etiquette is i'm going to turn off my cell phone off not on vibrate turn it off and if for some reason you cannot turn it off because some of us have put ourselves in the position of oh i have to answer these calls people are expecting me to answer if that is the case with you remember at the beginning of the conversation at the beginning of the meeting when you sit down alert the other person to the fact that you may have to take a phone call by saying something such as i have to apologize in advance if my cell phone rings i'm expecting an important call that i have to take i apologize because i normally wouldn't do that to you you know let somebody know i realize that taking a call while i'm with you is rude because while i have a cell phone on and i'm with somebody else and you answer it if it rings the message that that sends is i'm only here with you until something better comes along and that cell phone ringing is the something better now we might not intentionally be sending that message but that is the message that we are sending if we are in the category of people who are always a slave to our cell phones and answer it every time it rings no matter what situation we're in remember answering a cell phone call and saying hey can i call you back in a little bit i'm on a date or i'm in a meeting or i'm with a customer or i'm with a client is not proper protocol proper protocol is to turn your cell phone off in advance and then turn it back on when you're done with your meeting or if you absolutely cannot do that let the person know again i have to apologize in advance because i'm expecting a very important call that i must take so if that cell phone rings i apologize that i may have to take it simple and what i'd like you to do is this week carry around you know a binder your portfolio a folder carried around everywhere you go and look for opportunities look for other people answering their phones while you're talking with them and take it out and start doing something maybe you'll just take it out and take notes as to how often this will happen to you because it is amazing these days how often people will take phone calls while we're speaking with them while we're having a conversation with them but i'd like you to practice being that person who is prepared for other people's communication shortcomings and not only will that make you more aware and sensitive so that you won't make those same communication mistakes in the future it will also help project the image that you are somebody who always has something to do who is never bored and who is always prepared the next technique that you're going to learn about you will find very useful especially if you have a spouse or children in your life it is called your lying eyes recognize [Applause] [Music] in this strategy what you're going to do is learn how to pick up on other people's body language signals specifically their eyes so that you can more effectively determine if someone is telling you the truth or not you know if you've ever been picked up by a police officer not that anyone who's watching this has the first question that an officer tends to ask us is do you know why i pulled you over or do you know how fast you were going and remember the next time by the way if you ever get pulled over by an officer hopefully you don't but the next time if you do that question that officers ask us is a strategy that they're using to see if we are an honest person or not because when we stop and think about a question whether it's how fast was i going or where was i going in such a hurry or if you say to your spouse something along the lines of honey i just saw a charge on our credit card statement that i didn't recognize do you know what this is and you show it to them or you say to your children uh sweetheart what happened to you last night why did you come in a few hours past curfew remember there is the left-hand side of the brain where logic lives where language lives where numbers live and then there's the right hand side of the brain where creativity lives where conceptual thinking happens and when we stop and think about something we'll either stop and look over the left or we'll stop and look over to the right human beings don't just stop and look straight up cross their eyes as they're thinking about something we'll look over to the left or we'll look over to the right and what we're doing when we do that is we're actually searching this part of our brain where the information we're looking for lives so for example if you have to stop and recite your phone number backwards like do that right now stop and recite your phone number backwards go [Music] chances are when you started to do that you did this because when you look over to the left that's where numbers live you're searching the left hand side of the brain where those numbers live and if you have to recite your phone number backwards that's the part of the brain that you're using if however we stop and look up to the right that's not where numbers live that's not where memories live that's where creativity lives so when an officer for example asks you do you know how fast you were going or where were you going in such a hurry one of the things they're looking for is what side of the brain is that person searching just like when you ask your spouse i didn't recognize this charge on a credit card statement can you tell me what it is watch their eyes because when somebody is asked a specific question that requires memory now of course some questions require creativity but when a question requires memory and somebody does this hmm what side of the brain are they searching the left hand side logic memory facts figures but if you were to ask your child you came in a few hours late last night what happened or you were to ask your spouse do you know anything about this charge on our credit card statement and they do this what side of the brain is that creativity and what's funny is you'll see a lot of people do this when you ask them a question about where were you last thursday night or when you asked them a question about money or something such as that watch how you'll find a lot of people do this well because first they stopped and thought what's the answer to that and then they thought oh no i'm not telling them that and went over to the other side of the brain so they could think of a good one for you so remember don't be an uneducated communicator that doesn't pick up on simple signals that people are sending because you don't need to be an nlp master to be able to look at somebody's eyes and see what side of the brain they're currently searching that's what human beings do when they're looking for answers they'll look up to the left or they'll look up to the right and now that you're in the know you will be able to more effectively judge if somebody is searching the part of their brain where memory and the answer to your question lives or if they're searching the part of the brain for a really good story to tell you and that is how you can start to read other people's lying eyes recognize [Applause] [Music] so what i'd like you to do is this week look for opportunities to test out this strategy ask people specific questions maybe right now when you're done listening to this go around and ask people hey recite your phone number backwards including the area code and watch what they do watch what they do as they answer the question and also ask people things like hey what were you doing last friday night and watch how many people will answer you as they do this because they'll remember and think i'm not telling them that and change their answer so remember to test out the theory of your lying eyes and you'll be one step closer to being a truth machine now let's get on to our danger phrases and power phrases stop using danger phrases we're gonna give you the power this week for your danger phrases and power phrases for home i'm going to talk about generalizations and hostile questions so instead of giving you very very specific danger phrases i'm going to talk about categories of danger phrases let's start off with generalizations generalizations are phrases that begin with you always or you never or even sometimes occasionally watch those words always never sometimes occasionally both at work and at home but since we're talking about at home when we say to our spouse or our children things such as you know you never do what you say you're going to do or you always do x y z you never blah blah blah remember that people speak at approximately 150 words per minute i speak a little bit more quickly i tend to speak at about 250 words per minute if i'm talking to a friend the world's fastest talker speaks at approximately 600 words per minute and then we have our self-talk and our self-talk runs at the rate of about 800 words per minute and that's something we all want to keep in mind as savvy communicators when we generalize and say things such as always or never the person that we're speaking to tends to talk more to themselves in their heads right so if i were to say to my spouse something like you know you never help me with a housework like you say you're going to what my spouse is going to start thinking is oh here we go again one of the little speeches that i've never held the house which i just stumped with the house reclassifier i didn't get to speak said i'm just giving this big speech but i never have that with housework and their self-talk is just going to go on and go on and go on just like at work if we say to somebody you know charlie i noticed that sometimes you come in late you know we're trying to actually be nice but because we generalized and said sometimes the person to whom we're speaking is going to start thinking what are the one of those big speeches again when i'm coming in late no i wasn't always late i was just on time last thursday nobody noticed that i just got this big speech but i'm finally today so instead of generalizing which speeds up self-talk be specific and use phrases such as this morning this afternoon yesterday today at 4 30 when we are specific all people tend to think in their brains if we're bringing something to their attention such as you didn't do this correctly you didn't do what you were saying what you said you were going to do when we bring things up but we are specific rather than general what happens is the self-talk says to the person yeah i'm busted and it slows down and the person is more likely to listen to the message that we're sending and one of the things that we want to do is to try and get the message through to the person with whom we're communicating slow down the self-talk something that speeds it up is generalizing always never sometimes occasionally something that slows it down are very specific phrases such as today yesterday this morning this afternoon today at four that will decrease self-talk slow it down and increase the odds of your message getting through and the last thing i'd like to talk about specifically for home are what we call hostile questions remember that hostile questions are questions that begin with things such as what were you thinking when or why would you hostile questions very frequently begin with what were you thinking what were you why would you and those phrases tend to then end with sentences that are not really questions at all they're statements wrapped up thinly disguised as questions you know when we say to somebody what were you thinking why would you do that our intention really isn't to find out boy what was bothering you so much that you'd behave that way that tends not to be our intention our intention tends to be to fight if we're gonna be honest and that is not generally going to resolve whatever communication issue we're trying to address to begin with so instead the next time when you're about to say to somebody why would you yada yada yada or what for you yadda yadda instead start a sentence with i realize yadda yadda but yada yada yada and remember do not be afraid of the word but i know that a lot of communication conferences that i go to a lot of courses a lot of books that i read will say oh you can't say the word but because i think it's everything that came before it the word but is a great word to use and it's appropriate especially in situations such as this what i'm going to say to you i realize yadda yadda but that's again what we use in place of a hostile question for example i realize you didn't mean to embarrass me in front of our friends at the party but you did or i realize you're not aware that you're coming in late but you are so instead of using a hostile question why are you what were you remember it's very simple to express ourselves and that is a great way to turn what could have been a hostile question into a savvy assertive statement now the other two danger phrases i would like to give you are for work and danger phrase number one is really or very sometimes at work we tend to throw in words like really or very thinking that it's going to somehow buttress our message and make it even stronger but that is not the case it is in fact the opposite you'll notice that if i were to say something to like i really believe in that idea that is not as powerful as i believe in that idea right or if i were to say that's a very dangerous thing you're doing that's not as powerful as that's a dangerous thing you're doing right it tends to be by the way speech patterns of women women tend to use the words very and really much more than men do so if you are a woman and you notice that that's part of your verbal repertoire be especially conscious of taking it out when you want to appear more powerful and strong in the workplace uh men same thing a lot of men use the words varian really inappropriately it just happens to be that more women do than men however for both men and women the words really and very take away from the strength of your message in most circumstances now of course if i'm at home and i say to my spouse i really love you that's different but at work when i want to say something such as i really believe that we are the firm for your company that is not as good as we're the firm for your company right so watch those words such as very and really and there is no power phrase that you would want to use to replace them these are what we would call purge phrases eliminate those phrases and the next phrase for work is my name is remember that when we meet somebody our subconscious makes connections we tend to within a matter of seconds listen to what somebody is saying to us and connect them with other people who speak the same way that they do our brain forms immediate connections and we start to on a subconscious level sometimes on a more conscious level but especially on a subconscious level will think okay who else talks like that and we will associate people with other people who speak the way that they do and people who do not truly feel a sense of personal power or professional success tend to introduce themselves using the starter phrase my name is when people who believe they have achieved something introduce themselves by saying i am or on the phone this is so remember it's very different saying hi my name is dan o'connor then saying hi i'm dan o'connor the next time you're about to introduce yourself if you have not already picked up on this verbal pattern sometimes you might not feel as confident as you'd like to be that's the time when we want to fake it till we make it and if you don't feel like you're powerful and successful yet use the verbal patterns of those who do and you will appear more powerful and successful and eventually become more powerful and successful one of the ways we can do it is by simply changing little verbal patterns instead of my name is i'm or this is simple and those are your danger phrases and power phrases for work and home stop using danger phrases we're gonna give you the power and now i'd like to talk about freestyle scripting for a little bit freestyle scripting helps you start and stop with a bang freestyle scripting is a technique that everybody can use to help get the thoughts from our brain out of our mouth more quickly more effectively and more easily you know how when we have to have one of those little talks with somebody maybe we're talking to our kids maybe we're talking to our spouse maybe we're talking to our boss maybe we're talking to a co-worker maybe we're talking to an employee for most of us it's difficult to have a difficult conversation that's why they call them difficult conversations such as i need to correct your behavior i need to tell you that you're doing something wrong one of those conversations many of us struggle beginning them and many of us struggle ending them when those are the most important parts of those conversations people tend not to remember so much the words that we say to them they tend to remember how we make them feel however in difficult conversations people do tend if they only remember one or two things they tend to remember the first line out of your mouth and the last line out of your mouth your opening line and your closing line are the most important parts of difficult conversations and many people wing it wing something else make sure to script out your lead in line and closing line for difficult conversations we all know very savvy powerful communicators that make having difficult conversations look effortless and if you pay attention and if you ask them and if they're honest many of them will tell you that they do not wing the first line or the last line just like when we are learning about public speaking one of the first things you'll learn about public speaking is you want to have your opening line and your closing line prepared you want to have those scripted out word for word because if all else fails in the middle at least you will start with the bang and end with the bang so what i'd like to do today is talk about your lead in line in your closing line for difficult conversations let's start off with your leader line a lead in line has three critical components component number one you want to use i language and what that means is i'm going to be talking about me now this is for a difficult conversation where i'm gonna be sending a message to somebody hey here's what you did wrong here's why it's wrong here's what you need to do differently in the future and here's what you'll get out of it so of course there are a myriad of different difficult conversations to have this is just your basic run-of-the-mill every day ugh i may be a new supervisor or maybe i'm a new parent maybe i'm a new spouse and i need to bring up an issue that's bothering me or that you know some some type of behavior that needs to be corrected these types of issues when you start the conversation remember that the worst way to start these conversations is what's the worst lead-in line in the whole world we need to talk don't ever say that that closes the lines of communication so instead a lead in line remember has three steps step number one is i language that means this is about me i'm not talking about you yet so i could say something such as i'm frustrated or i need your help or i'm concerned or i'm confused that's the type of i language that i'm talking about key number two make them short and key number three use the other person's name so for example to put the three principles of a leading line together i might say something like george i need your help or mary i am frustrated or charlie i'm confused that's a lead in line i'm using the three things that you should always incorporate in every lead in line use eye language use the person's name and make them short and then remember you put a period many people when they're practicing using lead in lines for difficult conversations they'll say things such as john i'm frustrated because you blah blah blah don't do that remember there is a period after your lead in line and then we would use what's called a pregnant pause a positive it's just a little bit longer than a regular pause so i might say charlie i'm frustrated yesterday and then go on with the message but remember use eye language use the person's name make them short those are the three keys and then put a period and a pregnant pause all right once you've done that you can start delivering your message and you can feel more confident because you started with a bang many of us we really struggle with being confident in our communication this is a great way to instantly boost your communication confidence because you'll be starting off powerfully you won't be stumbling over your words you know many times people start these conversations and they'll start them off like this hey dan can i talk to you for a second and that sets up the conversation to be a passive one sometimes people start off these conversations like this you me we need to talk that sets off the conversation to be more of an aggressive one you know there is somewhere between passive and aggressive and a properly constructed lead-in line helps you find that middle ground and be assertive and it lets the person to whom you're speaking no oh okay i gotta listen to this because this is a a real message they're setting that's important without attacking them first without making them feel intimidated or without making them think oh what is it now you know with one of these can i talk to you for a second type of leading lines and now that we've done that let's talk about our closing lines i'm going to start off with the worst closing line of all time we've all heard somebody give a great speech you know maybe you're at a wedding and somebody will say something like well as we all know we're here to celebrate the union between mary and john we've all been so blessed to watch their love grow from a puppy love to a more mature love and here they are starting a family together so let's all raise a glass and wish them well in their life journey together that's it that's it that's the best people can do after delivering a message is they'll say that's it at the end of it remember you should never have to tell people i'm done speaking that's all the message there shall be no more words coming out of my mouth that's it that's it is something that a pig would say at the end of a cartoon so instead of using a closing line like that's it or well i think we're done here or something where it's really saying to the person i have not honored you in this conversation enough to think of how to end it instead of doing that a great way to close especially a difficult conversation is to use a closed-ended question remember that a closed-ended question is a question that is going to require the person that to whom you're asking the question to give you a yes or a no or a one-word answer generally yes or no sometimes just one word so a great closing line for a difficult conversation my favorite closing line of all time is this phrase can i count on you or can i count on you for that remember while you're asking the closing line if you want them to say yes nod your head can i count on you that increases the odds of them saying yes but it's interesting how you can say to the average person can i count on you and watch how they'll say yes what did i just agree to because you used the phrase can i count on you and human beings we have it built in us to want to respond to that with a yes you know most people don't want to hear the phrase can i count on you and say who me no no i'm so unreliable people don't say that so you could use a closing line such as will that work for you or are we on the same page whatever it is people generally after a difficult conversation they want it to stop you know when they sense that you're done delivering that difficult message they want the message to stop most people are not comfortable with difficult conversations and so when you give them an out when you give them an opportunity to end this conversation because people know that when you signal it by saying things like are we on the same page or will that work for you or can i count on you for that people recognize that and you will find that you will get an overwhelming number of people saying yes and then you're done you can give a simple great i'm glad we have this talk and walk the other way or you can just give a simple thanks and you are finished now later on in these lessons we're going to get to how to construct the meat of that conversation but you have to first have your lead in line and your closing line once you've mastered that that we can talk about different freestyle scripting techniques to help us get the thoughts from our brain out of our mouth between your lead and line in your closing line but i'd like you to start out this week when you have to have a difficult conversation practicing using some lead in lines and closing lines you will find that it will make it much easier for you to deliver these messages and you'll walk away feeling much more satisfied and confident that wow that message was more powerful because you simply used a good lead in line and closing line free style scripting helps you start and stop with a bang and now it's time for our communication principle of the week this week what you're going to be doing along with our regular lesson is completing step two of creating a personal compass and in step two what you're going to be doing is writing down why you're here you're going to be writing down i'm here to statements and the reason we're going to do this is because so often when i'm communicating i'm forgetting where i'm really coming from you know one of the common mistakes a lot of us make myself included as communicators is if i come into work and my job today is a customer service agent i make the mistake of thinking why am i here i'm here to perform customer service tasks i'm here to answer the phone for my employer if i'm a real estate agent i'm here to sell houses if i'm working at a cell phone store i'm here to sell cell phones that's not it for example i am a teacher and i started off teaching kids and if i woke up in the morning and thought what am i here to do today i'm here to teach a class of fifth and sixth graders i would rather jump off the roof of the school than think that that is my purpose for the day i was a stock broker in chicago and i worked at the equitable building right on michigan avenue and i remember thinking as i worked there that i was there to buy and sell securities and i did want to jump off the top of the equitable tower because at that time i was very young and confused and thought that you know whatever my job was well that's what i'm here to do but that's not it when we're writing our what am i here to do i'm here to statements what we're talking about is what are we here to do on the planet you know many of us have not really taken the time to decide what am i here to do for example i'm here to learn i'm here to teach i'm here to serve i'm here to love and when we can think of those statements what those are are statements that validate what we're here to do everywhere because when i talk about what i'm here to do statements you know i am here to statements when i talk about that i'm talking about what i'm here to do on the planet not what i'm here to do at work what i'm here to do you know really to do at work is the same thing that i'm here to do at home at church at the grocery store at the gas station it's all the same what i'm here to do anywhere is really what i'm here to do everywhere but sometimes i forget that you know sometimes i forget that even when i'm dealing with a difficult person i'm here to learn and to teach and to love and to serve i'm here to do all of that and if i remember that and i can have some tool to help trigger that memory even in difficult situations i'm more likely to be the person that i want to be because remember it's always so much more important not to figure out what to say or what to do it's always much more important to figure out who to be and then what to say and what to do that all falls into place more naturally so while we're creating our i'm here to statements i'd like you to think about this week why are you here because the principle of the week is this if you don't determine why you're here somebody else will determine it for you and that's the unfortunate truth for many of us you know before i really determined why i was here other people determine it for me and that's so true in so many different areas you know that the phrase where if you don't yada yada someone will do it for you you know if i don't manage my time effectively i will eventually find myself in a position where somebody's managing my time for me if i don't manage my money effectively somebody else will eventually manage it for me if you don't decide who you are what's going to happen is other people will decide that for you if you don't decide why you're here other people will decide that for you and so what i want to do is say enough of that what i'm going to do is decide why i'm here that's what i'm gonna do you know i'm not just here to create videos and put them on a website i'm not here to be a communications teacher i'm not here to be an author i'm not here to give seminars and workshops and lectures on communication and customer service and dealing with difficult people i'm here for much more than that i am here on my father's business and if i can keep that in mind during more communication situations i will find more success in every communication situation because we tend to lose our minds in difficult communication situations and you know if i'm dealing especially with a difficult person uh and they say something difficult or nasty to me my brain gets drugged i can't help it thousands of years have gone into programming my brain to respond a certain way when i'm attacked verbally and i'm going to start thinking on a subconscious level why am i here i'm here to crush you i'm here to show you that you can't talk to me that way i am here to show you that i can be meaner than you i am here to we started thinking about all these crazy things you know what i'm here to do at this moment is to yada yada i am here to win the blue ribbon for the most difficult person in the office today and that's not it i'm here to love i'm here to learn i'm here to serve i'm here to teach i'm here to do many things and if i can focus on those and remember why i'm here rather than letting other people dictate to me why i'm here i will not only be more successful in my day-to-day communication i will be happier with it because i'll know that regardless of what's going on around me i'm taking care of business you know i can do what i'm here to do on the planet whether i'm teaching a course talking to my nephew dealing with a difficult person at the grocery store waiting in line at the airport when i first realized how i can do whatever it is that i'm here to do i can do that all the time i don't need somebody's help i don't need somebody's permission i don't need anything other than the knowledge of why i'm here my whole life changed and i know that many of you have already experienced that and your whole life changed as well so this week what i'd like you to do is focus even especially in our difficult conversations that we're going to have on your why i'm here statements and remember that in that moment you know in the sliver in time that you have the wherewithal to remember why you're here it tends to be during difficult situations where it's important to remember why you're here because it's a it's an assignment especially when you're dealing with difficult people that's an assignment for you and your job is to remember why you're here because remember if you forget why you're there and you think i'm here to be nasty and then you are nasty to that person that situation will happen again and you can choose to fulfill the role that you are here to play you can choose to do what you're here to do because you're the one who decides what you're here to do and if you don't decide what you're here to do someone else unfortunately will decide it for you so everybody i hope you had fun i hope you learned something new you have assignments for this week remember you are going to be prepared with paper you're going to check out other people's lion eyes you're going to be practicing not using hostile questions or generalizations you have some danger phrases you'll be eliminating from your verbal repertoire at work and replacing them with some power phrases you will be practicing your lead in lines and your closing lines and focusing on your principle of the week so i hope you enjoyed this lesson i know i did and i look forward to seeing you next week [Music] you

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Id: ZZCfb61i7Lg

Length: 35min 38sec (2138 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 24 2017