Hellbound - Hilariocity Review

welcome back to the 8th annual halloween special every year i try to find a hilariousity to include in the special and this year i found one it stars chuck norris and it's called hellbound it came out in 1994 and was his last film with canon they made a ton of movies together and they were all pretty much the same movie but hellbound is different hellbound is a horror film starring chuck norris which didn't happen that much you could say that silent rage is technically a horror movie in a way a lot of people compare that movie to chuck norris versus a michael myers sort of but this is by far his biggest foray into the horror genre all i have to say is that in this film chuck norris fights with his fists an emissary of satan let's talk about hellbound who's your supplier you can't do this you're a cop yeah watch this you little piece of [ __ ] shut up don't shoot him man don't shoot him tough as nails chicago cop frank shatter encounters satan's emissary proceetanos and he must stop him from his demonic killing spree chuck norris of course rose to fame fighting bruce lee in the way of the dragon it's a pretty entertaining fight bruce lee rips off a chunk of chuck norris's chest hair and after that he began to star in a lot of movies many of them were extremely similar and he played chicago cops quite often eventually walker texas ranger came along and he roundhouse kicked just about everything in existence but somewhere in the mid-2000s chuck norris became very self-aware he started to enjoy laughing at some of his performances and he didn't take himself too seriously anymore some of this could be due to conan o'brien i remember being very excited back in the mid 2000s watching conan on late night when he would bring out the walker texas ranger lever after nbc merged with universal conan could show clips from walker texas ranger out of context for free which is how we got gems like this so here it is the one walker clip we've never shown once you see it you'll understand why and how you doing little partner fine and it's a little visitor now out of royal is how you say it in cherokee oh well pardon my french but uh i'll be dead walker told me i had aids [Applause] after that he appeared in films like dodgeball and became very self-aware then came the chuck norris memes and the rest is history hellbound came before the self-aware chuck norris and so this movie is gold the film opens with a star wars opening crawl featuring ripoff jerry goldsmith omen music [Applause] here we meet a bunch of warriors from the middle ages who are attempting to seal prosthetist there's a demonic emissary of satan away in a tomb and they are successful but these fight scenes i have to talk about them look at them just a year later braveheart came out i just want to give you that point of reference to think about while you look at this and what the [ __ ] is this thing like i don't even know what's happening i should also say this film is directed by aaron norris that's right chuck norris's brother they made a lot of films together including top dog yeah they made that i had to talk about the acting in this opening sequence because it's certainly not ideal damn you spawn of satan take that you weighted spawn of satan but prositanos and his frog eyes are trying to kill a baby because i guess that'll like bring about the apocalypse and but they don't he he can't he doesn't get to do it because they seal him up but later in in 1951 i guess uh some people find him and he's freed so that sucks good thing chuck norris is in this movie though it hit me [Music] come on hit me tough guy come on let's see how tough you really are you call that a hit [Music] that's a hit this movie certainly wasn't a hit though in fact i don't even think it was entirely released in theaters according to imdb it had an la premiere and then went straight to video in the united states so now procetanos is in chicago and he's looking for something if he kills the right people and he gets the right things together he will bring about the apocalypse but a rabbi knows who he is and tries to murder him [Music] where are you going rabbi [Music] oh yes oh yes this is gonna be good time for you to leave she just landed right on chuck norris's car i mean that is storytelling that is a clean tight [ __ ] script man bad guy throws woman out of window woman lands on hero's car now they're in it that's how you write so chuck has his first little scuffle with prosatanos and it goes about how you would expect it to go please step onto the light leave now and i'll let you live you're all hard buddy speaking of hearts i'd like to talk a little bit about chuck's partner jackson this is a buddy cop movie actually uh chuck norris made a buddy cop movie with a demon and the dialogue is beautiful oh [ __ ] his heart's gone no it isn't it's right there one of the worst aspects of low-budget action films out of this era but especially of canon films was the treatment of women in the scripts they aren't viewed as equals that's for sure as soon as they meet leslie played by sherry j wilson who later starred on walker texas ranger with chuck norris there's a moment that is so hilariously tone deaf i have to talk about it this looks like the crown of the scepter of prositanos prosa who prosatanus is a mythological being who was present in many of the legends and stories of some middle eastern civilizations before and during the time of the crusades hmm and you just happened to know all this no professor lockley has been studying these myths for quite some time they completely doubt that she might have any knowledge of this they're coming to her in a museum for help and they have to ask like how do you know these things and she has to tell them to wait for the professor to come back it's like you don't even know this lady why why can't she know about this stuff but the film has to remind us that it is in fact a horror film so prositano shows back up to kill a priest but these horrific murders that the demon is committing forced chuck norris and his partner to go to jerusalem to investigate and they encounter the most risk-taking driver ever as well as sonic the hedgehog music [Music] once they arrive here a running gag starts throughout this film that is easily the most hilarious aspect of this movie it doesn't work at all the joke is horrible but it really makes our hero look like a gigantic [ __ ] [ __ ] they start this running joke that chuck norris doesn't let his partner eat in fact he doesn't even give him food money and i'm so damn hungry man i could eat the south end of a northbound skunk you ate on the plane shattered do you realize how long ago that was they came there on a plane and they've spent a night there and now it's the next day and he's asking for food he's saying he's [ __ ] hungry so norris begrudgingly gives him some money to go get himself some food but a kid steals it then chuck norris tracks down the kid and takes his partner's money back but doesn't tell his partner that he got his money back and he still doesn't let him eat this continues for the rest of the movie he does not let the man eat you're overseas you're investigating murders you should probably [ __ ] eat something but this guy does not get food ever chug norris is a giant dick in this movie i mean can you imagine frank shatters reputation as a police officer whenever he gets assigned a new partner they're probably like i don't want to work with shatter he doesn't let his partners [ __ ] eat you know i like to eat every day or so anything wrong with that huh no there's nothing wrong with that oh all right too bad about your money though this poor guy is so hungry he's got to eat scraps so somehow they run into the exact same woman from chicago here in jerusalem and they still want to bone each other for some reason even though they have shared not one moment of spark not one ounce of chemistry that's just what the script wants to happen and here we notice that someone is following them and staring at them and staring and staring and staring and [ __ ] staring there [ __ ] here we learn that professor that apparently knows way more than leslie is actually prositanos earlier he was in chicago when he ripped a guy's heart out then he was in italy on a train when he killed that priest and now he's in jerusalem can he teleport okay like if he could teleport fine explain that [ __ ] meanwhile back at the hotel chuck norris has to fight a bunch of guys and prositanos murders a guy who fails [Music] him [Applause] next the film randomly introduces wipe transitions this hasn't happened yet and that combined with the opening star wars crawl i can only assume that the people who work at canon just thought star wars that's all they thought and they just did it and i must remind you that his partner is still [ __ ] hungry look shatter i'm not going anywhere until i get something to eat now he hasn't eaten in like three days he's going to die chuck norris feed him god damn it what the [ __ ] oh shatter am i stuck oh el jazar i wonder if that's a name or a place i don't know all i know is i gotta get something to eat and he still does not eat well let's go hey what about our food later in the following scene frank shatter has to ask questions that lead to more questions and more questions who is this servant of satan or prosotano so whatever you want to call him what does all this have to do with the scepter who are you talking about his character in this film is not a character it is chuck norris walking around punching and kicking people and asking questions chuck norris doesn't ask questions questions ask chuck norris if it's a myth why do we have this well where's the rest of this scepter so you mean this is one of the nine pieces do you know where i found this who's in the room with you and rabbi schindler who was it that ripped the heart right out of his chest and next there's just a giant pile of hilarious quotes i really don't know what to say about them it's best if i just show them to you either this guy is nuttier than the snickers or there's some real heavy [ __ ] going down i can't deal with this devil's [ __ ] hey how about we go back to chicago and play a good cop bad cop with our pimps and hookers so what the hell are we breaking into a police station for huh he needs to eat frank feed him so their investigation is not turning up any leads and i can only imagine it's because one of them is actually starving to death so they decide to break into the local police department and look through the files while chuck norris choke holds a guard like what is what are they doing what's happening frank shatter is the worst cop in film history he doesn't give his partners food money he makes sure that if there is food money he takes it away from them and he choke holds innocent policeman he's a great guy but of course leslie becomes a damsel in distress prositanos has her tied up at his weird hellish castle so frank and jackson decide to go save her now chuck norris gets to beat up a bunch of satan's emissaries which of course had to happen even though this is a horror movie it's like if you put chuck norris in a movie for a real role he's gotta beat people up otherwise you'd be disappointed although i wish that he in some way struggled through this scene i don't think he actually gets hit even once i think he's just perfect punching kicking machine throughout the whole scene there's like no tension there he he doesn't show a hint of vulnerability in this movie he did in earlier films like silent rage but here he's just perfect [Music] eat this foreign and here's where the staring man comes back to collect pieces of the broken scepter and some voice over tells us that i guess he's involved in protecting it in some way i wish that he had uh protected it before armageddon almost happened he kind of sucks at his job he just stared at everybody and then collected some pieces he did nothing i have no idea why that character is in this room you could remove him entirely from the film it would change nothing so at the very end of the film everyone's at the airport people are happy they're going to go back to chicago chuck norris winks at this woman so i guess you know what they're going to do as soon as they get home and the kid steals jackson's wallet again and the film ends do you know what that means jackson never [ __ ] ate the man needed to eat chuck norris what the [ __ ] this dude didn't eat for a week i actually don't think prostitutos is the demon in the film i think jackson just might be satan's emissary because he should be starving to death but he's fine wow eat this [Music] yes [Music] [Music] hey man look why don't you just cut my nuts off with a dull ass butter knife hellbound is so bad but man it's entertaining it's a lot of fun to watch if you've never seen the film maybe get some friends together and enjoy it this halloween guys thank you so much as always for continuing to watch the eighth annual halloween special i'll have more hilariousities coming for you very soon and if you like this you can click right here and get stuck manized [Laughter] yeah i just never thought cops took their cases so personally you don't know the same cops i do [Music] what are you doing plane crashed here you

Channel: Chris Stuckmann

Views: 232,739

Rating: 4.9406347 out of 5

Keywords: Hellbound, 1994, Movie Review, Hilariocity, Chris Stuckmann, Halloween Special, Canon, Film Group, Hilarious, Funny, Horror, Action, Walker Texas Ranger, Lever, Conan O'Brien, Late Night, Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels, Christopher Neame, Sheree J. Wilson, Film, Scene, Clip, Trailer, Teaser, Ending

Id: kPHXrJZe0PQ

Length: 18min 31sec (1111 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 24 2020