Everything Wrong With The House Of The Dead

[Music] Jesus I can feel my face getting boxed in for hating this already it was a nightmare so many dead people so many victims and that was just pre-production also narration it all started a few days ago when I came here for a rave people must really love acid if they're going to an island for a rave also movie started the story and then went straight back to the opening credits this is one of those rare movies we're seeing Clint Howard's name in the opening credits it's actually a relief movies only tangible connection to its video game origins are to run highly distorted clips of said videogame behind the opening credits so we're gonna miss Gregg and Simon oh not you again you got that looks and not much between those ears Jesus is this whole movie gonna be still shots over expositional narration this is either a rave or an invitation into a volcano call 50-50 chance but like I said these people really love acid they missed the boat to the rave this guys narrating about missing a boat to a rave with us doing it like he's Max Payne or something I mean there are still people who need to be credited in this movie also two different people got story credit on this thing with all its narration and opening credits movie did not include an epilepsy warning because ii would totally sponsor an illegal island rave totally also movie that knew ahead of time it could only afford fifty extras still tries to pull off the massive raid growl shots it's kind of cute actually also who holds a rave in the middle of the afternoon well duh you're on an island in 2003 you shouldn't have even had a call that lasted even one second oh man they tried poor jörgen Prochnow to this didn't they you know what they call this island Isla de Muerta damn it say hi to Jack Sparrow when you're there [ __ ] Brad oh so for $600 it's the legendary island of the Dead you won't go to but for a measly 400 more you're willing to go that means you value your lives at $400 Captain Kirk character voices audiences incredulity no one will be seated during the harrowing escape from the Coast Guard scene if these cops had wanted to stop the boat why didn't they at least walk down the correct dock how did Sega and the other Island rave sponsors never once hear about the islands curse legend if all the locals know about it oh my god okay she's naked discount Chris Evans crossed with Chris Pine damn dude you were right next to the side of the boat also face puking bubbles under the water directly after creepy in the woods stalker can leave the viewer confused as to who and where the actual evil really is there's clearly nothing in the water but you know what would have been awesome if there was anything in the water well she's topless so I have a boner but she's washing puke out of her shirts so oh no that actually doesn't affect my boner well you are out in the open washing your clothes topless so yes zombie needs to assess the situation before attacking a girl all by yourself in the woods why would Matt be in there door base-jump scared holy Sh matt is in the creepy house of all the places on the giant ass for a violin for him to go and for her to find him instantly will wonders never cease yep just like the video game Jesus how far away is this island and why did The Rave sponsors make the official dock the farthest one away in the universe you want me to radio for backup yeah I think I can handle Viktor myself there's pretty much no reason why you didn't just catch up to him and handle him already who was the mastermind behind this party they had to go to the island to scout the location first then they had to come back and build the stages and she and the monster just waited because they knew more people were coming I guess completely deserted this girl is concerned about the raid being empty but she wouldn't be if she'd seen how few people were here to begin with it's pretty easy for a crowd of thirty to scatter over a few hours time you puked on her face an hour ago how was this possible yes unnecessary suspense killing not clean Howard you just killed the one name actor this movie had going for it unless you count that German dude from Das Boot whose name I'm not even gonna try to pronounce again or Smallville's Erica Durance but that wasn't even her name back then she changed it after being in this movie I just don't take a pisses off the depiction of men stupid and don't want to get laid is probably the most unrealistic thing about this movie 96% of the dialogue in this movie is someone calling out someone else's name okay these candles simply have to have been lit by the ravers who are long gone and have surely been burning way longer than they show before these horny [ __ ] teams show up death house herbs well he coming am I going to myself the smart one of the group wants to go into the obvious death house this is after seeing a bloody shirt and a general crime scene five minutes ago hey let's be sure to show the entire walk all the way to the house shall we hello what thought these were zombies are some but turns out the evil killers are just dudes and obvious terrible Halloween masks go figure discount Ethan Hawke these things came and they attack the Wraith started killing everybody everyone except the guy with the camera who dutifully continued to shoot while carnage happened all around him they just kept coming and coming and killing we finally found this house we ran inside and tried to hide that's when you guys came the house that we've seen two people could killed it but the monsters allowed these guys to stay in unharmed for some reason I thought you were more of them whoo what this is actually a case where someone isn't playing the pronoun game and yet this guy asked what them means even though he's seen a video of a bunch of creatures attacking the party no camcorder from 2005 could record this much footage and still have a full battery Sal says let's get the hell out of here referring to yourself in the third person while also referencing a children's game that's a sinan bull let's split up plot point pays off and allowing the movie to bloat its runtime by having the same [ __ ] then need to find the very people they split up from the boat being named Lazarus in a movie about the Living Dead is literally the most clever thing this film has to offer hold on zombies can swim more happens during this videogame transition than actually happened in the last scene here hold this self-defense weapon while I open a porta potti that possibly contains a zombie or sin dude did you not hear all the mobsters go attack the tent or Cindy screams right after you left you were right next to them zombie Cindy waited until they were looking forward to come out and start killing people well it's a damn good thing it only took 15 hours for this Coast Guard chick to finally show up somewhere meaningful on the island what the hell was that thing not anymore what the hell is or what's that thing he or she is or was our blank blank not any more cliche this guy seems to be taking the recent zombification of his girlfriend and her subsequent brutal death rather well I suppose he's still steaming about the poopy shirt though hey shouldn't Easter clear that torch with all that methane on his clothes maybe I can get some answers by talking to a person on the radio who was not remotely here for that anyone have a cellphone yeah we already tried it's not working there's some sort of interference and also probably the lack of cell towers especially around death Islands and especially since it's 2015 3 zombies are still taking their recreational swim before attacking Kirk's boat finally zombies are easy to kill how come the zombies don't ever attack while this movable feast is underway moving through the forest emotions Compson whatever the [ __ ] part of America this is supposed to be have some lousy ass trigger discipline and tribal make up white face with red stitches normal ass looking teenage girls this movies zombies can be anything why were you using the handgun in the first place tetanus [Applause] after one attack on the bridge and the whole movies worth of teasing suddenly read music and a zombie chase things zombies not excitement I mean in none of these shots is there ever a zombie and a human in the same frame so why is everyone running nope that gun was out of bullets remember it doesn't magically reload when you're holster the thing week the asian girl in the American flag spandex is named Liberty what do you think I'm trying to do you [ __ ] [ __ ] well you are taking forever trying to shoot this one zombie wait just a goddamn minute and when did this random rave teenager girl become Jackie Chan with the kicking and such I guess I might do the same thing after fighting a bunch of zombies but what a dumb ass right why not just get on Kirk's boat right now I don't know too many good law enforcement officers who would take a civilian with them on a dangerous trek through zombie territory but that's just me I don't know anyone who's seen a zombie movie might call them zombies and zombie movies clearly exist in your world because the one guy was talking about Romero earlier these are zombies pure and simple and don't tell me you were trying to figure out what those things were 20 seconds ago like you had no idea and then suddenly come to the conclusion that zombies is the right answer with no problem like The Walking Dead roll crit oh wait no you suck way too much for that that's all right from this story goes oh great I'm black and white flashback this is ambien movie has a centuries-old origin story this but just said he had no idea what those things were then launches into a story explaining exactly what those things were some say so does so were we when did this guy get a weapons harness the Marine Patrol woman gave him a gun and she didn't have anything else to give him so where the hell did that come from you much like the nazgûl in Fellowship of the Ring this zombie smells something right under its nose but to science there's no way this dude is directly beneath me this guy's whole role is absorbing stuff behind trees but the zombies in the water are dead right and even if they aren't isn't that better than staying here we don't know it's it's on that boat give me a [ __ ] break the amount of stupid in this group rivals the characters and saw two for sheer lack of brainpower on all the zombies are dead in the boat area if there's one that decided to highlight for some dumb reason then you have an axe dude house it's the exact same danger that you're worried about concerning the boat by running back into the woods to find a house but sure sounds like a amazing plan fortunately this [ __ ] only smuggled cigars and highly convenient weapons look a machete is great but in this situation it's not the best does the boat still not sound like a better idea especially now you have a lot of weapons shouldn't they already be looking for you it's been like a lot of hours since you were able to report I'm serious about killing zombies now I put my hair in a ponytail for this I guess the greater population of zombies on this island we're waiting for the movie's finale to show up in a large crowd instead of the lesser handfuls of them that we've been seeing for this whole movie bunch of amateurs not only don't all shoot each other but also become crack shots in time of zombie crisis meaningless series of 360 shots um this girl goes from two handguns to a single shotgun in the next shot these [ __ ] in the background are clearly doing nothing this guy right here just runs past a tasty human and lets her pull out a grenade that grenade didn't even kill anything zombie conga line first off you're jumping right into the axe Pat of this slow-motion shot second off how does jumping improve your shooting skills third the axe Falls harmlessly as if she's Neal from the matrix running out of ammo was a problem before almost ten full minutes of full obvious safe place to bury an axe in the stunt guys chest is obvious so many of these zombies have no clue why they're here some of them are even going in different directions I feel like with a sheer number of zombies they should have already been taken by that also look at this chick she's just standing here watching this and apparently has a betting pool with the other zombies who aren't doing jack she either there was only a way someone could shoot these zombies I'll shoot this zombie but I'll be damned if I shoot zombies attacking my girlfriend the store blockade crab actually works yeah man light that one candle that should help oh yeah caring for zombie wounds just got a whole lot sexier needs your help unreasonable anger who can be able to look me in the eyes with a face like this and I still think you're pretty damn sexy arbitrary romance yeah it's almost too quiet this is one of the lines airplane made fun of way back in 1980 it's so cliche it's 23 years passed already being made fun of in another movie yeah what he said she's dead I didn't save her it's not your fault how the [ __ ] do you know you just asked what happened three seconds ago you don't know she played E and the power of boners really is stronger than like anything also there's a dead body with no legs directly underneath you it's Kirk he needs to take a look at him he's getting worse you mean you took time out from frenching that one guy to check on Kirk horniness trumps all other things like the man you resume making out right now no the Spanish prisoner who founded this Zombie Island most definitely took time to write a book on how to kill zombies on this island well actually more points if the book has a chapter that says you should have gone to the boat [ __ ] and according to the officers logs it says the Castillo sir mono killed the captain then beach the ship and lit it on fire huh I wonder how the officer continued making along of everything that was happening after the captain was killed and the boat was set on fire okay here on this island full of flesh-eating zombies take a look at this cliche it's not human now so now you're a crack shot and a microbiologist Jesus it's completely unnatural it's continuous hunt geez what a dumbass I highly doubt that this dude was whistling that particular sound a minute ago if your zombie and all you think about is death where do you come up with a spirit to whistle like that if there was ever a time for casual conversation this is it what were these [ __ ] waiting for boys you couldn't just run to a safer place to light this dynamite now you're gonna blow the door which is what you didn't want to do earlier when you were trying to get into this place one ping stick of dynamite 20 feet away from the porch somehow blows out the windows and the front door why would you do this well this movies already thrown the door blockade rule bug out the window but a shovel in keeping the zombies out guys Simon does nothing for no reason so the zombies can grab him how is Rudy leading this charge the women went before him down the trapdoor did he just push them aside to get into the lead if so what a dick dive jumping to safety near an explosion cliche also all the zombies that were outside a minute ago must have gotten warning about the house before it exploded dude no one who has watched this movie this far still needs reminders about its videogame origins this is the only part remotely like the game but it's silly how all of them keep coming from the front and none of them wait until they pass by to jump out most monsters will follow you anywhere a guy we thought was dead and is acting weird and is probably evil now wait did the zombie master set up this elaborate trap for them knowing for a fact that they would find the trapdoor in the house why didn't they just come through the tunnels and kill them while they were in the house didn't you just say exactly why he did it in your question geez what happened here these zombies are massive cups meanwhile this barn was just sitting out here near the zombie graveyard not one zombie could open the door or be linin by the main bad guy during the entire time they were in this house hey let's in this zombie movie with a spinny sword fight what do you think that's so crazy it just might work immortal guy is totally oblivious to Rudy running right towards him with an axe boob power emergency boob power deactivated this a n-s response helicopter took o 80 hours to respond she okay she got stabbed in the sternum and yet actually yeah she is pretty much still fine Kurian oh so that's why he thought the blood thing was ingenious he's the main bad guy doctor from the video game well I don't know about you but I survived a zombie invasion I want to continue the work that was responsible for that invasion and now we go home me and Alicia whenever she is new whatever I've created oh come on you applied the zombie medicine to Alicia how's that working out movie over anyway I guess I'll just live my life after this without knowing what the hell just happened also explained to me how he's narrating this by himself at the beginning of the movie when he's with Alicia and immediately goes to the helicopter at the end of the movie [Music] so I can't bring myself to regret the decision to leave home have another beer this will make you feel better you're welcome the cause of and solution to all of life's problems not not snotty no country I have heard of this be English not not safe not again I dare you I double dare you mother go since not one more goddamn time Wow you get a load of that what the hell is it it's laser fencing it's high voltage on the perimeter the whole building says go away

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 3,860,810

Rating: 4.928206 out of 5

Keywords: cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, The House Of The Dead (Video Game Series), eww, house of the dead review, review, wave jockey job, movie review, house of the dead, the house of the dead movie, everything wrong with the house of the dead

Id: -X6jQpJCq-M

Length: 16min 45sec (1005 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 04 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/BoringCode]

"Things. Zombies. NOT EXCITEMENT"

Classic.

[u/dpw9475]

Here are your Outro Mashups: 1. Twilight 2. Gordon’s fish sticks 3. Simpsons 4. Pulp Fiction 5. Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me 6. Pirates of the Caribbean? 7. Sneakers 8. LOTR Fellowship of the Rings

[u/The_Silver_Avenger]

10 minute long fight scene? You must be jok... ah.

Still, it's not the worst fight scene I've ever seen. I doubt that anything can ever top this, from Beauty and Warrior: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lAhyCt3ocM. (0:00 - 5:55)

[u/Corabal]

I like how you couldn't be bothered with a bonus round.