- Woo, great hike today, buddy. I was coming up that last hill, and I turned around, and you
were nowhere to be found. - Mm-hmm. - Thought I was gonna have
to go back and get you. - Well, at least we made it. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I talk in my sleep. - Oh. - Yeah, quite a bit actually, so if it bothers
you, just wake me up. - Okay, buddy. - Cool. - Goodnight. - Goodnight. Dickhead. You stupid dickhead. Jordan, let's go camping. Come on. Oh, Jordan, keep hiking. We're almost there. Buddy. So much (beeping) energy. Shove that CLIF bar up your ass, you bald (beeping) sucker. - Jordan, Jordan? - (beeping) you, Keegan
hyphen Michael Key. - Jordan, wake up. You're talking in your sleep. - Not asleep yet. (upbeat beatboxing music) Oh, nature's gonna be
so great once we get. Shove nature up your ass, you bald (beeping) sucker. And by bald (beeping) sucker, I mean you suck bald (beeping). Still awake. - Beth, Beth, Beth! - Hey, what's wrong, man? - I was having a nightmare. - Aw, again? What, you want to talk about it? - I miss mommy. - Hey, I know, I know. Hey, me too, me too, pal. Come here, man. It's all right. Hey, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. - I just don't want anything
to ever happen to you. - Happen to me? Hey, come on, man. Ain't nothing ever
gonna happen to me. - Really? - Yeah, that's what I said. So yes, nothing ever
gonna happen to me. You ain't never
gonna have to worry about nothing happening to me. - But what if you got hit
by a car or something? - That's impossible
because I will never die, so I can't die no matter what. - You can't die? But I thought all
human beings died. - That's true, that's true. That's science, so that's true. But I am lucky 'cause
I'm not a human. - You are not? - I never told you about this? - No. - You know, I'll
just let it out. I'm from a planet
called Thelonious. The thing is it was
being destroyed. - All right. - That's what happened. I was sent down here in a
capsule to Earth by my parents. - Oh, like Superman? - Superman, yep. That is what it is exactly like, except, oh, here's the
thing about my version. Only one superpower,
immortality. - Oh.
- Yeah. So I'm tired. Daddy's tired. Let's go to sleep, okay? - But I'm not gonna
live forever, right, 'cause I'm only half alien. Oh no. (sobbing) So I'm gonna die. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You? You're right about
yourself, but, ha ha ha, here it is. This one slipped my mind. You can build with me
an immortality machine to give you what I got from
the remnants of my spacecraft. So, yeah. - Wow. - You're gonna be immortal, you're gonna be immortal. - Daddy, when are we
gonna get the remnants? - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow?! - Gonna get 'em
tomorrow during work. Hey, you got anything that looks like parts
of a crashed spaceship? - Dead mom? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm. Right this way. - The power of
Christ compels you! - (beeping) your mother. - The power of
Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! - Your mother's in hell. - The power of
Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! - I'll suck your (beeping). Let me suck your (beeping). - Could you please
clear the room? - Welcome to (indistinct)
Mattress Liquidators. How can I help you today? - I need to buy a new bed. - Okay, yeah, good, good. You came to the right place. I'd be more than happy
to help you with that. What size you need,
a full, queen, king? - Queen.
- Queen. Oh, okay, well, we've
got a big selection. - And just so you know,
it needs to be sturdy. - All right. - Shit gets kind of
crazy in my room. - Oh, okay. I got you, brother. I got you. Well, this is a Posturepedic
mattress we got right here that's extremely
comfortable and durable. - Do you mind if I try it? - No, not at all. Go ahead. I should also mention there's a 100% money
back guarantee on-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Who got that good D? I got that good D! Yeah, yeah! No, it's too hard. Do you have anything softer? - Of course. This is one of our
natural latex mattresses. It's on sale too
today at $1,200. - Can I try it? - Sure. - Who got that good D? I got that good D! Huh, huh, huh, huh! Who got that good D? I got that good D! Huh, huh! It seems a little pricey. - Okay. No, it's a little pricey, I ain't gonna lie to
you, but no problem. We got other choices. This is a great memory
foam mattress right here. It's a little cheaper and-- - Can I try it out? - Right, right, yeah, of
course you want to try. - You know how it goes. - Yeah, oh yeah. - Coming up on them late nights. Aye, aye, boom,
boom, boom, boom! Si papi, si papi, si papi! - Yeah. (laughing nervously) Yeah, man. Sex happens. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Who got that good D? I got that good D! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who got that good D? I got that good D! Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Ah! Yup, that's the one. I'll take it. - Okay, let me ring you up. - [Male Speaker] Uh, uh, uh, uh! Who got that good D? I got that good D! Uh, who got that good D? I got that good D! Uh, uh, uh, uh! Who got that good D? I got that good D! - Hello, Skymall Magazine. This is Riaz speaking. - Hello, Riaz. I would like to report an item, which I ordered
that arrived broken. - Wenders Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane? - That's right. - I am showing the last
item that you have received is the Superman bed with
the mattress of solitude. - That's the one. Ordered it for my
son for his birthday, but I cannot give
it to him like this, and I'm pretty darn
tooting pissed about it. - I'm really sorry, sir. I will start processing
your reorder right now with you on the line, okay? - I ain't mad at you, Riaz. It's just the system. I know. - Okay. Thank you for
understanding, sir. Kids, eh? - Huh? Oh, well, yeah. I just got the one myself. Had sex with a woman and
everything to get him. How long is this going to-- - What is your son's name? - Oh, Stimpy. Pretty much Stimpy. - I have boys too. I'll tell you, sometimes, they can be a real
couple of you know what's. - (beeping), you're
preaching to the choir, Riaz. Stimpy, don't you
give me that look! You're gonna get it when
your mama comes home. - Oh my, sounds
like your wife is-- - Bitch on wheels. You got that straight, Riaz. Hot little biscuit though. Name's Claire. Body 10, face 10, so pretty much hit that
every night sexually. Anyway, what's holding up the-- - Oh, one more minute. And how old is your son? - 15. - 15? And he still wants
a Superman bed? Ah, a late bloomer. Enjoy it while you still can. He'll grow out of
the toys any day now. They all do. And the second he starts
hooking up with the girls, he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider Man stuff. - Pretty much seems like
how it would happen. Maybe then, he'll
stop bothering me with all those
stupid little facts about how those
characters you just named are clearly from two distinct
and separate universes. - Sadly, some people
never move on. - Sad? I got a better word for you. Pathetic. - [Riaz] Well, I
wouldn't say pathetic. - Hey, I calls them
likes I sees them, Riaz, and I don'ts tolerate nerds. In fact, lemme nip this
in the bud real quick. Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here! - Well, I didn't mean to-- - There you are
with your round body and your creepy ass face. No more sweets for you 'cause
you're never gonna get laid if you keeps eating sweets. And another thing, all these figurines and toys
you got around the house, we're throwing 'em in the trash 'cause they're not
real people, Stimpy! They're not real people! So, stop being so lonely! Stop being so lonely! - Well, and this is not
of my business, of course, but I was wondering if your son would like to talk to someone. - Oh (beeping), Stimpy
just jumped out the window. - Oh my god! - Oh, he killed himself. Why'd he do it? It must have been my fault. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. I'm gonna call the cops. Don't you dare
cancel that reorder. It's the only thing I'll
have to remember him by. - Don? - Yes, I'm here. - Promise you'll
never forget about me. - Yes, of course. - Promise me you'll take
care of our little girl, love her. - Yes, with all my heart. - Promise me you'll
stay strong for her. - Yes, yes, I promise. - And promise me you'll never
sleep with another woman. - I hear you. - Promise me you'll take
care of Mr. Big Fluffy Tail. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. That cat will be the most
loved cat in the world. - And that you
won't look at porn. - Uh. - Huh? (man vocalizing) - Is that yes? - Checky, checky,
checky, checky, chickadee, chickadee,
chickadee, check. - No pornography. - Buster Brown says, "What?" - Is that a yes? - You better believe I heard
what you was saying, girl. - You love me, right? - Yes, I love you, yes. - And we're soulmates, right? - Yes. - So you will never ever
ever think of someone else while masturbating, right? - Message received. - I don't understand. Is that a yes? (speaking in foreign language) Is that a promise? - Your request has been filed. - Say you promise. - Forget about it, huh, huh? - I need to hear you say it.
- It. - No, say, I promise. - You promise? - You. You promise. Say it. - Okay, I promise. - No air quotes. ♪ Promises are things
that lovers have ♪ Say it, say it! - I promise, I promise. - What are you promising? - I promise what you said. - Fine, forget it. - Yes. I mean, okay. - Will you at least promise
to go see my mom every day? - So, zero pornography? Done. I like that. Nurse, fix my wife! (sobbing) Don't touch me right now. It's not all about you. (upbeat beatboxing music)
