holt and kevin being the same person for ten minutes straight | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Comedy Bites

you're both going to die now better get some corticosteroids to treat that lenial fracture sorry I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirt bag and why would you a dirt bag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner clearly it's a compliment you guys are so perfect for each other um so Marcus what uh orchids can you name oh that's easy none uh well here are the orchids that I can name bardia gladus bamia defx dep Podium otella Raymond you know how much I love hearing you talk about orchids great then there's Aran I got to hand it to you captain that was some ceremony it wasn't difficult I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married well then I never would have heard your hilarious efficient officient quip you're right I regret nothing but all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding nothing too elaborate we're not the Kardashian wests after all they are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wed in yes yes I know they were answers on Jeopardy I think you mean questions you guys are fun give me 2 hours at the library to work on my book just two hours it will make all the difference yeah I could go with him keep him safe no Library Sheamus's men could be lurking in the Stags I find that unlikely I understand but I disagree well then we are in disagreement you'll have to excuse me I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight oh was that a fight are you kidding he said you'll have to excuse me instead of please excuse me might as well have spit my face thank you Jake you're welcome Kevin call me Kev oh what oh he told you to say that didn't he well you are always playing pranks on me Raymond just once let me be the funny one H Kevin let me just get my Cod hello Peralta Gina oh sweet Lords of dance thank you we're back on a first name basis Kevin I am unable and unwilling to discuss personal matters with you I'm aware of that yes in any case thank you for your help I brought you both gifts original Raymond Holtz I will treasure this painting of a rock for all times ah Rock 59 and 367 that was a good rocks 367 paintings of one rock this guy parties yeah Santiago settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having let's be honest Raymond it's not a tiff it's a row and now it's a scene it's okay sir we don't want to get involved in your personal life it's not personal it's a math problem Raymond and I had dinner together last night for the first time in 2 weeks thanks to the night shift and Kevin thought it would be fun to spoil our date with an inan math problem to which his answer is wrong enough foreplay let's get to the numbers it's the Monty Hall problem imagine you're on a game show there are three doors behind one of which is a car you're telling it wrong there there are three doors behind one of which is a car you pick a door the host who knows where the car is opens a different door showing you there's nothing behind it now the host ask if you'd like to choose the other unopen door should you do it no yes it's simple math it doesn't make any sense to switch the priz is behind one of two doors it's a 50/50 chance either way it's 2/3 if you switch 1/3 if you don't the probability locks in when you make the choice we've been over this eight times seven times now you can't even do simple addition what do you have in the pastry box sir brownies no you hold brownies from the side is holding it from the bottom true maybe it's a cheesecake there's no condensation on the box it's room temperature look at the finger spread tensing in the shoulders he's supporting something dense it's a pie it is a pie damn that was impressive but this is not just any pie it's an English walnut pie from The Cottage Inn in Saratoga Springs Raymond and I drive all the way up state for it every year it's the finest sweet treat on Earth even better than a plain scone wow that good huh hello Raymond ready to go to dinner yes but I have some unfortunate news about our pie it was thrown away no are you serious mhm and I know who did it who you all bragged about your Thanksgiving plans why you were overcompensating trying to cover up your dark secrets but there was one other person who was also overcompensating you Kevin even better than a plain scone plain scone plain scone I should have known you were lying there's nothing better than a plain scone this is ridiculous is it of how the pie was disposed of placed gently with two hands inside the bin that's exactly how you always throw away garbage it is there's only one thing I still can't figure out why'd you do it because it's disgusting oh my that pie is an Abomination it has beef suw it and apple seeds in it why it's a walnut pie if we brought that to my family's house they would have said something I was trying to protect you why didn't you just tell me the truth because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs the two of us driving in silence looking at the barren trees it's perfect I I didn't want to lose that I'm sorry I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year we just don't have to buy the pie a trip with no purpose Raymond what if I were an assassin wearing a hyper realistic latex mask or perhaps you employed face off technology what I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films I'm lying I watched them all including one whereing a man's head turns into a flaming skull Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider too both Master piie yes I need your help as your supervisor I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging okay so do we both get a point no Kevin has been on the phone all this time he's also a licensed debate moderator license number J is in Juliet 259 this means nothing to me H is in hotel Z is in Zulu oh thank God he stopped 369 point to Amy I don't want to have a structured debate it's an idiotic way to decide something what how dare you he insane oh no that's Raymond that's how he opens the door Kevin are you still in here uh yes Raymond I'm in the stall uh some tickets were just released for M's fourth Symphony this weekend great that sounds great let's do it fantastic now which section do you prefer the first tier the second tier the third tier the first tier now which section of the first tier right left right center Center just any section is fine any section well someone had pepper on their eggs this morning I'll buy the tickets any section hello sir how'd you find us out M's fourth Symphony he'd never sit in just any section I might I'm flexible oh really you'd sit Center left in Tony alley I'll purchase those tickets right away no don't is everything okay no we just had a knockdown drag out fight my calendar had the lake house is free strange mine had it as unoccupied well it seems we're at an impass I would call it more of a Deadlock he gets in such good zingers Raymond what are you doing here Kevin I didn't know you were home I came by to get a book the history of the Crusades volume 3 1123 to 1137 why did you need it I had an urgent question about what the otag of mosul jerish zangi but you already know everything about zangi true it was Diaz's question um and I was embarrassed for her and what was your question Diaz I wanted to know who zeni is yes that is embarrassing I can see why you tried to cover for her cner preparing to descend the master stair oh I see you changed into your mock turt neck and you into your exercise shorts you've been asleep at the wheel Alistair you're an embarrassment really well at least I've never confused St Augustine with boethus oh who gives a rat's ass about boethus Wesley what are you doing Kevin I'm creating a cur fuffle oh damn sure my husband is a hot piece of ass but he is so much more than just that Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place one day I hope to live up to the standard you set you make me want to have a wetter brain oh Kevin y'all are hella specific why did I send Kevin an obscene picture relax it's not a big deal you were just flirting no if I were flirting I would have sent him a scatterplot of educational entertainment versus caloric intake in Jack up and France maybe you should let him know you've been missing him huh well might be worth a shot what did you just do I texted him a picture of my penis like you suggested no I meant for you to call him and tell him you've been thinking about him why didn't you say that I thought it was understood hold on he's writing back oh what did he say it's a log graph it's a scatter plot with a very robust data set well that escalated quickly when we first got married I thought of it primar L as a legal contract which is why I memorize the entire federal tax code 30177 1-18 definitions pertaining to marriage and yet he can't remember Max name but I finally learned what marriage really is it's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for it's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes and that feeling is all that matters which is why I will now Purge tax code 301 77118 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever done open

Channel: Comedy Bites

Views: 188,501

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Id: OTHc5Ejh1FE

Length: 10min 3sec (603 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 03 2024