Harsh and Passive-Aggressive Communication | Marriage Today | Jimmy Evans

the first characteristic of bad communication is its harsh it's it comes across in a - too strong of a manner - insensitive of a manner and here's what it communicates to a man it always communicates to a man disrespect and dishonor the number one need of a man is honor and respect it's unchangeable and when a woman is communicating to a man she has to encrypt her language in order to be successful and every word he hears through a filter women hear through a filter and men hear through a filter and men hear through this filter do you believe in me do you like me are you on my side are you forming and harshness when a woman communicates harshly toward a man it always says to him I don't believe in you I'm not on your side I don't honor you I don't respect you and she's it's always going to be difficult for her to communicate that's why first Peter 3 says a gentle and quiet spirit is precious in the sight of God talking about how a woman relates to her husband gentle and quiet does not mean mousing because you're your husband's equal it is the opposite of rough and loud is the opposite of aggressive take women their number-one need is security they need to feel secured in valued by their husband but harshness in his communication makes her feel insecure and that he doesn't care about her everyman to communicate with a woman properly you have to encrypt your language and all language from a man has to be encrypted with this tone and with this attitude I will do anything for you you're worth fighting for I'm on your side I really care about you we're going to work this thing out regardless it doesn't matter I'm committed to the marriage and when you start out lovingly and graciously you know the Bible says that kind words are like honey dropping down in dirt you know but that harsh word stir up strife and so we need to be careful of harsh communication both for men and for women it goes cross-grain with what we need to hear number two dishonest dishonest communication is dysfunctional now speaking the truth in love Ephesians 4 says speaking the truth in love we grow up into all aspects into him everything that we do in communication proverbs 3 says bind kindness and truth around your neck and when kindness and truth are bound around your neck every word your vocal cords every word that comes out of your mouth is going to be kind and truthful your not going to lie and you're not going to be mean you're going to be kind and truthful and what it says is if you're always kind and truthful you'll have great relationships with God in with men but the opposite of that is I'm either going to lie or I'm going to be unkind but some people just say well I just tell the truth that's just the way I am it's just cut and dry well you just need to get dipped in honey no don't around bragging about that you hurt people and and so kind kindness and truth let me talk about honesty here for just a minute and there are several reasons are there several issues concerning honesty first is just not telling the truth about important feelings an issue now this was Karen's problem I have a lot of problems or I had a lot of problems related to communication but this was Karen's prompt camera sweet she's that golden retriever you know very faithful kind of a personality but she hate hated conflict she didn't want to have conflict but well what happened was when she wasn't telling me what was bothering her it wasn't coming out of her mouth but it was coming out of every other pore of her body you know it was the smell test is I could just I could tell even though she wasn't telling me what I was doing that was bothering her and we just begin to come out in attitudes and and things like that and then every 2 or 3 months she would blow up and she would tell me everything but it was an unhealthy thing and so not when something is bothering me I need to tell you I need to speak the truth to you and look every single day and not to go to bed on it another issue here is passive-aggressive behavior when people when you don't tell your spouse the truth when there's something important that's bothering you it's going to come out and passive-aggressive behavior a passive-aggressive behavior is being aggressive in an indirect and dishonest manner a couple ways this happens is not doing something I know that you want me to do is I'm mad at you I'm not going to tell you I'm mad at you I'm mad at you I'm going to browbeat you I'm going to be sexually passive towards you I'm going to stay at work later and what I'm doing is I'm not doing anything frontally to you to be to punish you for what you've done I'm not going to do something for you that I know you want me to do but I'm punishing you I'm being aggressive but I'm being aggressive in a passive manner soaking and pouting I have a friend and we joke about this now but I have a friend who eats at the same place all three meals every day and if you're if you're with my friend you are going to eat at those three places he has a place to these breakfasts a place each lunch and of course if he's not Englander at home his place each dinner he just and the good thing is he's very consistent but the bad thing is if you don't eat want you to eat you pay the price and I didn't realize this for years and and he doesn't invite you to go eat he invites you to go eat at a place he says to you hey you want to go you'll eat with me over here and so what I would say time went before I got it before the light came on is I would say hey let's going over here and he'd say I want to go eat over here and I say we eat there everyday let's go get over here well what would happen is he'd pay me back is he would pound and we work together and he would pound insult for the rest of the day and it was years before I realized that one day I was just I just realized every time we didn't eat where he wanted to eat he would sulk and pout and I'll talk for the rest today and so one day I got it and he's today he's better he'll go eat somewhere that he didn't want to eat without punishing it so we were together one morning before before he was completely healed of this and gone serious I'm serious we talked about all time and we were playing golf with there four of us in the car and we were playing golf and one of my other friends was driving not him one of my other friends and I was with him in the backseat and we were going to play golf and it was early in the morning and so the driver in the front seat said anybody want to go eat breakfast and my friend said I do and I said yeah that's great and my friend saw his favorite breakfast place coming up on the left and he said to the driver hey let's stop right there and eat breakfast and the driver said no we're going to eat at the golf course because I heard they have a great breakfast at this golf course my friend goes into immediately this funk and and he says he's sitting right behind the driver and he says no I really like to eat right there and the other guy drives right past it and says I think we're let see his golf course sounds good he doesn't get it he doesn't get it he hasn't been through what I've been through so I said listen can I can I tell you what he's saying and he said what what and I said well what he's saying is you better turn this car around and go back because if he doesn't eat right there you're going to pay the price all day long and the driver turned to him and said is that what you're saying and he said I want eat back there I'm serious serious like me and I didn't understand what was going on for a long time it's passive aggressive is I'm not just gonna sit and argue saying no I want to go eat over there and I'm not taking no for an answer it's just like okay good you want to get what you want to eat I'll feed you for the rest of the day oh yeah you're gonna be fed up so passive-aggressive behavior also passive aggressive behavior is doing something I know you don't want me to do smacking I know you hate me - smacks on this thing and you're just sitting over there and you're just dying all you like they know it they eat potato chips in bed dropping them on their side you know thank you for joining us experience the life-changing series sex love and communication on CD or dvd become a rock solid partner today and equip yourself with the tools you need for a successful marriage fourteen dollars twenty eight dollars for fifty six dollars per month choose the partnership level that's right for you become a rock solid partner today you

Channel: MarriageToday

Views: 132,516

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Keywords: marriage, divorce, relationships, counseling, Christian, relationship help, Jimmy Evans, sex, love, communication, harsh, dishonest, dishonesty, silence, silent communication, passive-aggressive

Id: J_8JR7KsYlI

Length: 9min 10sec (550 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 11 2012