Breaking the Curse of Control

coming up on marriage today with Jimmy & Karen the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth and if you're speaking the truth he will be your partner to change your spouse if it's not true it doesn't need to be enforced to see those things in your marriage to recognize that when you do see fear in your spouse or if you do see you know maybe the anger you know go to a little deeper you know get past yourself enough to think you know wonder what's triggering this in him you know is it is it I'm is she angry because her feelings are hurt or are you dominant because you're fearing losing control [Music] we're talking about how to be in an emotionally healthy marriage and emotionally healthy relationship and in healthy relationships you don't control each other now when Karen and I got married I controlled her I mean I was a very controlling dominating husband we were on the brink of divorce it ruined our marriage and it always does control is simply not of God but in Genesis chapter 3 you know Adam and Eve sinned and God created them perfect and put them in a Garden of Eden the word Eden means pleasure and delight God created marriage to bless us God created marriage to be a place of pleasure and delight and as long as Adam and Eve were submitted to God they lived in a beautiful paradise that's what their marriage was but the devil tempted them and they rebelled and when they rebelled God cursed them and God said to Adam and it's not gonna be easy on you anymore Adam you lived in a paradise so you didn't have to work but now it's gonna be about the sweat of your brow that you get everything that you get then God came to Eve this is Genesis 3:16 and here is the curse this is the new English translation and here is the curse that God pronounced over Eve whenever she fell to the woman he said I will greatly increase your labor pangs with pain you will give birth to children you will want to control your husband but he will dominate you now this is not about women because domination and control is gender neutral there is many controlling men as there are women but what God is doing here is he's declaring a curse now now if they rebelled and let me give you a paraphrase the King Jimmy version of that scripture there God says to Eve when there was only one God in the garden things were very peaceful when I was God in you and Adam were under my authority it was very peaceful but now that there's three of us it's gonna be a fight now that you've decided to be your own gods now that you are no longer under my authority you're gonna try to see who can have authority over the other and you're gonna want to control Adam but he's gonna dominate you it's a cat fight with no decided winner and so that is the curse that happened because of the rebellion of man against God let me say very clearly and I'll say this at the end of the message the cure for control and domination is to come under the lordship of Jesus Christ to come back under the authority that Adam and Eve rebelled against and so God curses control wherever you find a relationship where there's control is gonna be cursed there so why do we control let's talk about the causes of control why do people control each other one is pride we just believe that we're better I grew up in a family system not so much my father but my grandfather and a lot of our family the men were chauvinist and we believed that we were better than women when I married Karen I just believed that men were better than women I just did and I thought in Karen I just thought Karen doesn't train very well Karen's not like the other female relatives that were just real sweet and did what the men said and it's just going to take me a little while to trainer and she did not train well at all and finally one day the Lord broke through my heart and said to me she's your equal and and I sin chauvinism is a sin it is a sin for men to believe they're better than women or women to believe they're better than men and we're equal in Christ there's neither male or female and men and women are absolutely equal on the side of God and men and women husbands and wives are totally equal but you realize that a lot of people just believe for some reason that they have some kind of a divine right to dominate somebody else because they're better but we're not the second reason is deception there are teachings that teach that men are better than women and that meant that women should submit to men in the sense that men are better than women biblically it's wrong teaching everywhere I go as often as I can I teach that we're equals because we are in the only way you're gonna have a satisfactory marriage is to be equals and if men are the head of the home if they are the head of the home they're there to sacrificially serve their wives as Jesus does with themselves being the last consideration with the husband being the last consideration if we're the head of home yeah and there's nothing wrong with that women don't mind them another reason that we dominate is because of an unsubmitted unsanctified Clerk personality Clerk means strong and there are some of you that you're just strong you're strong people you're I'm that way I have a naturally strong personality and I like the lead I like to make decisions I've never been insecure in that but but the problem is when that's unsanctified so when when Karen and I first got married I had a strong personality but it wasn't it wasn't submitted to God and it wasn't filleth Holy Spirit see the Holy Spirit gives us love joy peace patience kindness goodness self-control when the Holy Spirit what my personality when it's baptized in the Holy Spirit it becomes kind and good in my strength is there to benefit other people not to dominate other people but some people and they're just as many strong women as strong men but some people that have strong personalities feel like that they you know it gives them the right to dominate others let me say this we we marry according to our level of emotional health health marries health and unhealth marry son help this is my man hand this is my woman hand I had very high self esteem never had to struggle with self-esteem growing up but I had too high of self-esteem Karen had extremely low self-esteem and so we were a Manish because we accommodated each other she needed my strength because she has such low self-esteem she needed someone with confidence and I was so arrogant I needed someone who would allow that okay so did it work it was a nightmare we got married and Karen resented the fact that I dominated her and I disrespected her because she was so weak and so what happened was and by the way I was this you always Mary according to your level of emotional health health Mary's at health on health Mary's on health so women who are very strong will typically find a real sweet quiet man that puts up with it and their districts but they don't it doesn't work because she disrespects him that she doesn't respect him because he's weak and he doesn't respect her because he feels emasculated so this doesn't work so we got married and Karen was the one who started to get healed she begin to pray she began to spend time with God as she began to stand up to me and I thought you don't do that to me girl and you she did this well what happens it's like a teeter totter when the other person over here changes the equation changes so when Karen began to stand up it forced she was trying to force me she just walked up to me and said don't talk to me like that nothing you don't talk to me like that women don't talk to me like that and I'm upset my voice goes up you can cut so you know so I just thought what what do you think you're doing let me like that well she did this she was healthy she was standing up to me and so I told her to get out of the house the night she stood up to me related to golfing I've been golfing and I came in and she told me I want you to be home I want you to be with the kids or what you stopped playing golf so much and I just told you get out you'll pack your bags and get out and that was the night that the Lord broke through my heart but I understand this this we were here you may be in a marriage and you're here okay you can change in fact they say by this time next week you'd be fine it's not that hard this is not you know set in concrete so let me say so how does it change the dominant person just has to sit down you just have to decide I don't want to dominate people any more this doesn't work this just isn't working that this person really is pretty easy to change because they're so strong-willed and so what I say to two dominant people like me is get over yourself sit down start start listening start seeking other people's opinions stop being so dominant and all that so sit down this person needs to stand up okay so in our case Karen started standing up to me God humbled me and I began to sit down and so we you know we were like this and now we're here because Karen dominates me she's way to heal I've asked Jesus to take away some of her healing I wanted like here but the sisters way too healed so but it just simply doesn't work so if you have a strong personality you may be raising children and you notice that you have a son or a daughter that has a strong personality teach them to respect other people and teach them not to use their strength to disrespect and control other people because they'll never be successful in relationship if they do another reason that we control is fear our feeling out of control the most dominant people I've ever met are fearful people the period period in marriage counseling when I find people who are very very controlling and I'm telling you you can't believe I could tell you stories you couldn't believe the level of control that I've seen almost criminal almost kidnapping kind of control of one person absolutely dominating every aspect of another person's life okay so here's an excerpt from a book called the gift of fear and this book is about control and in fact a lot of it is about predatory criminals another characteristic common to predatory criminals and many other people as well is they're perceived need to be in control think of someone you know who you might call a control freak that person like most violent people grew up in a chaotic violent or addictive home at a minimum it was not a home work it was a home where parents it ought not act consistently and reliably where love was uncertain or conditional for him or her controlling others became the only certain way to predict their behavior and so when a person grows up in chaos or pain many times they'll make an inner vow they'll make an inner vow like this no one will ever control me again no one will ever hurt me again those are very dangerous we do that to comfort ourselves we don't do it because we're evil we do it to comfort ourselves that ends up being extremely extremely problematic later on the last is simply not trusting God with our lives and the people problems and issues of our lives not trust and this is the big one when you don't trust God - - with people you end up trying to be God in those in that person's live them it says Karen or if you're married there are there are things about Karen I just can't change I can go to Karen and I can say Karen this and this and this but you know sometimes she doesn't see it if you're or she'll say something to me so in marriage I have to go get in my prayer closet when I'm praying and say lord if what I'm saying to karen is the truth would you change her would you show her if you're submitted to a boss or something like that and you have to you have to trust God to change someone's heart if you don't trust God you're going to naturally try to manipulate intimidate or dominate other people simply to get the result you wanting rather than trusting God so let me talk about brakes breaking the curse of control and I'm finished how do you break out of the cursor control number one is submission to the lordship of Jesus Christ we had an and I'm talking about as a married couple Karen and I makes every decision in our home together you can't find one decision in the Evans household that we didn't make as a team we talk worse and what I'm saying is is we don't butt heads because we're both submitted to Jesus I'm not trying to impose my will on Karen Karen isn't trying to impose her will I mean we're trying to find the will of God we are both submitted to the lordship of Jesus Christ Karen and I never talked about who the boss in our home is because Jesus Christ is the boss in our home it's not Jimmy or Karen it's Jesus Christ and so how do we make decisions first of all we don't make each other pay a price for being honest and if Karen walks up to me and says Jimmy you know I'm thinking about doing this in the kitchen what do you think and I say Karen I don't agree with that she doesn't say well I hope you're fine with eating out for a week or Taylor begged me to cook for you in my kitchen I don't like you know so you're not gonna pay a price for disagreeing okay so number one invited you to speak same thing we're gonna pray if this is a significant decision we're gonna pray we're gonna both hear God I will not make a decision without Karen Evans why because she's my partner we're better together I have half the brain she has half the together we have a whole brain number two way that you break the curse of control is being humble and having a servant heart for other people just you have to be humble and be a servant you can't you can't lord over other people God doesn't give us that right it's cursed and God loves us we're on our way to heaven but I'm telling you it God will never bless that number three communicating our needs desires and problems with others and then trusting the results to God or those in authority is it women and men are equal you have every right to say what you say to your spouse but here's the million-dollar question who's the enforcer you're the Holy Spirit and see if when we cross the line is husbands or wives is when I'm the enforcement and I said something to you what we should do is say it to our spouse now if this destructive behavior you have to take it to another level when you love a person you don't watch them self-destruct so if it's self-destructive behavior is to hurting other people you have to ramp it up get some intervention do something but I'm talking about ordinary behavior you go to your spouse and say this and this and this they say I don't agree with that go get your prayer closet and seek Jesus on them okay listen to me the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth and if you're speaking the truth he will be your partner to change your spouse if it's not true it doesn't need to be enforced and there is that fractional fractional possibility that you could be wrong I know it's almost impossible but it possible so you have to be careful here's number four how do you break out of this righteously standing up to dominating and controlling people and not allowing them to accuse or dominate us and if you've been controlled or dominated for a while you have to flex that muscle you have to flex the muscle of standing up righteously not in a bad way but Karen began to stand up to me what do you mean you won't talk to me on don't talk about that you can insist on respect I'll talk about that no no you my voice is going up it when I get upset by what's good you can you can insist on respect and a lot of times the the reason that people control us is we let them and they they the over a period of time they they understand we're not gonna say anything we're not going to do you think people should know especially if they abuse us it ain't gonna happen I'm not a doormat you're not gonna treat me like that and I'm not gonna treat you like that but I'm not gonna let you walk all over me but I'm gonna be righteous about it and number five this is the last one that I'm done submitting to each other in the fear of God this is what Ephesians 5 says when it talks about has the most revelatory text in the world concerning marriage is found in Ephesians 5 and it says submitting to one another in the fear of Christ then it tells women how to submit to men then it tells men how to submit to women a lot of times people will read Ephesians 5 and they think it's only talking to women it's talking to men and women saying submit to one another in the fear of God and what that means is both think we ought to be very respectful to one another we ought to treat each other with great respect and so here's what I'm saying to you in an emotionally healthy relationship there's not control there's respect and we respect each other and we talk to each other in respectful ways and because of that we gain trust you trust me because you know I'm gonna speak the truth to you but I'm gonna do it righteously and I'm not gonna try to enforce it and there's trust there's intimacy there's good will what you saw there on today's program that teaching I hope you enjoyed it I hope that you got some help from that but this comes from the emotionally healthy marriage series it's a five-part seminar series that I do to help couples to have an emotionally healthy marriage Karen and I got married and we were devastated honestly just emotionally what are both unhealthy and it affects your marriage in a dramatic way and your marriage really is never going to be better than your level of emotional health so this entire series helps you to heal it helps you to grow it helps you to understand some things about the way God made you so that you can deal with issues and go on and grow as an individual but every time you grow is individual you're growing as a spouse and you're growing in your ability to be married a healthy way and so maybe you've been through a marriage maybe you're going through a rough patch in your marriage right now these resources can change your life and change your marriage and change your family for generations right now for your gift of any amount we want to get you the emotionally healthy marriage CD series the audio series the entire five part series if you give right now $55 or more we want to send you the CD series with my 21 day inner healing journey app this is so powerful thousands of people have done it and it goes even on a deeper level to help you to heal and I would encourage you to do it as a couple I think it would be a fantastic thing to go through as a couple but you can also go through it individually and for your gift of $110 or more right now we were we want to ask you to be as generous as you can to help us here at marriage today to save marriages to keep little kids parents together and to keep families together but if you give a hundred and ten dollars or more right now we will send you the emotionally healthy marriage DVD series the entire five-part series along with the 21 day inner 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disciplines and traditions in your marriage so that you have and maintain a healthy marriage for the rest of your lives experienced emotionally healthy marriage today [Music] well this program we're talking about breaking the curse of control in marriage we're really talking about emotionally healthy marriages but one of the things Karen that affects I think 3/4 of marriages is the issue of control one person in the marriage is controlling the other person this was me when we first got married I was very dominant you were you had low self-esteem self-hate you were kind of beaten down in but I was very dominant very strong personality but it didn't work it never works and there are when they're just as many dominant women as men but you were compliant but you didn't like it right well something's I'm you know curious about because as a person that is that had that because you're not that way anymore you know you're totally healed you know what can you remember back what really caused you to want to be that way I mean what was the driving force behind that kind of person I think fear it was part of it you know I just had a lot of fear and I wanted you to do it I wanted you to do because I had fear of you know rejection fear of failure fear of exposure you know I just all that fear that I had but the other part of it was chauvinism I had a chauvinistic kind of a view of women at that point and I think selfishness I think some people are just very domineering just because they're so she'll the selfishness sensitive but they're but I think that's the reason that that I was that way well how did it make you feel when I was that way well at the beginning I didn't understand that it was wrong because you know like you said before I was raised with strong Nominet parents and both of them were very strong and and so when you would you know talk to me in that for I you know I've put up with it but then you know because like you're saying about the emotional health you know it stirs things up in you that you don't like and so I would get so angry and I think why am I so angry you know because you were trying to control something in me that I had nope I couldn't help myself you know and I'd get so frustrated because it's just like you know you've hurt my feelings and so you know my backlashed with anger because my feelings were hurt or when you get your feelings hurt you get more controlling you know and more you know dominant and so you know to to see those things in your marriage to recognize that when you do see fear in your spouse or if you do see you know maybe the anger you know go to little deeper you know to get past yourself enough to think you know wonder what's triggering this in him you know is it is it I'm is she angry because her feelings are hurt or are you dominant because you're fearing losing control well Karen you you began to get healed the Lord what you did that was so great in our marriage rather than attacking me you just went to the God and said fix me mm-hmm well as he did you began to get healthy and just naturally began to stand up to me not in a bad way but just you you were healthy well that rocked my world because it just I was like hey you don't talk back to me but you weren't talking back you were just standing up well what happens though ultimately if you're gonna have a good marriage to be a healthy the dominant person has to sit down and it really just means repenting of being selfish of being chauvinistic or sexist and sit down means I'm gonna treat you as an equal I'm not gonna make decisions without you and I'm not gonna bully you into making decisions in doing things my way but this person has to stand up you have to become a partner in the relationship and some people not you Karen but some people are so emotionally lazy they have been here for so long that they really even though they resent being treated with disrespect they really like other people making decisions so they don't have to I remember just the gymnastics mentally that I was always always doing because you know your your personality was so forceful on me it was always me trying to figure out what I need to do and then I'd get along in the mental torment that I felt of you know just so awful it had caused you how you made me feel and so I just remember and you know finally just thinking I don't want to feel this way anymore and like you said I went to God to heal me first because I really got tired of just that torment of you know the mental you know up and down that I was feeling all the time well that's fantastic well really and truly you can be healed this program today is about breaking the curse of control and it comes from the series of emotionally healthy marriage hope this has been helpful to you today want you to become a partner if you're not a monthly partner we want you to join the thousands of people that support us every single month to help us to do we did we call them our rock solid partners they are incredible people thank you if you're a partner if you're not a partner here's how you can become one going through divorce is a lot to ask of children and often results in years of emotional pain it's a violent ripping apart of their parents and a sense of abandonment what sometimes we see as a quick way out can mean complete loss for a child you have a 100% chance of success in marriage you were made for marriage marriage today exists to protect children from the pain of divorce antis your couples away from marital failure by telling them a truth when you stand with marriage today your individual effort multiplies with other like-minded partners and together we can rebuild a legacy of strong families around the world choose your level of partnership today and receive immediate access to the video streaming library become a rock solid partner today [Music] thank you for watching marriage today with Jimmy & Karen subscribe to marriage today's YouTube channel for more marriage building videos and updates you

Channel: XO Marriage

Views: 46,162

Rating: 4.9191236 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage advice, relationships, relationship help, counseling, Christian counseling, divorce, husband, wife, issues, fixing your marriage, love, marriagetoday, Jimmy Evans, wedding, wedding planning

Id: 0qFEV9tpXEQ

Length: 26min 35sec (1595 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 18 2018