Don't Talk to Me Like That

coming up on marriage today with Jimmy & Karen God created the world with his words and we create our world with our words we really do the atmosphere of our home is created by the words that we speak or don't speak and so when you find a loving home with a good intimate marriage is looking at a home where there's a lot of loving words that are spoken come on make them short and simple you know when something's bothering me don't let it go on and on just say you know short accounts keep my heart pure and then just talk about it in a little way [Music] [Applause] every good marriage is the product of many good works in every bad marriage is the result of bad words or no more no words you have to speak a lot of good words to create a good marriage but you fell in love because you said good things to each other you always do and so you you're careful you're patient and you speak very premeditatedly to bring a right result and when we secure the relationship and life happens many times we get into some bad habits and things like that but the words that we speak create our home you know God created the world with his words and we create our world with our words we really do the atmosphere of our home is created by the words that we speak or don't speak and so when you find a loving home with a good intimate marriage you're just looking at a home where there's a lot of loving words that are spoken healthy communication positive communication but when you come into an angry environment or dysfunctional environment you have certain things that that are that are present and I want to talk about the five main roots of bad communication in marriage now we're gonna talk about roots and fruits we're gonna talk about the root issue but then because this root exists how it manifests itself within our marriage so that we can be healed so that we can change certain things and have functional communication the number one root of negative communication in marriage is iniquities and negative role models okay we learn from our parents you know when little children are growing up the recorder is going you wish it weren't okay but the recorders going we prepare --nt SAR the most profound influence on children period children are profoundly influenced by their parents but when you're going through conflict children are learning to go through conflict when you're dealing with each other's differences or dealing with other people they're listening to what you're saying and we have a tendency to do what our parents did even if you don't like it my dad was a finger snapper and when he got mad at us you know he but he called us little man little man my brothers and I call each other little man his man okay I hated that when my dad snapped his fingers at me I thought you know I hate getting you know a finger snapped at me when our children have worn that one Julie our daughter she was the first morning she did something one day I went hey it just went off I mean I did I didn't I didn't think about it I didn't try to make it happen it just got what what are you doing here and so here's the answer for iniquities and bad role models when you when you look into your past maybe your recent past or your distant past and you realize you have that iniquity you recognize it in other way to say this is if I have a bad way of talking where'd this come from how did I develop this did my father do this did my mother do this did my friends do this have I seen this in the movies where did I get this and I've got to admit it and call it what it is it's wrong you know hatefulness is wrong mean this is wrong sarcasm is wrong silence is wrong punishing my spouse with silence or just I'm sorry those things are wrong and the second thing is forgive the person that did it to you if he's your mom and dad water you forgive that person but see it's like this how does something bent become straight and I'll answer the question by submitting it to Jesus jesus said when the Holy Spirit comes he will lead you into all truth okay the day that Karen and I almost split up I woke up that morning in a Red John 16 and Jesus said when the Holy Spirit comes he will lead you into all truth I told Karen Karen stood up to me that night told me she did want me to play golf began to complain to me she was righteous about it but she was standing up to me I told her to get out of the house I went in the living room and I sat down and I said this Holy Spirit teach me how to be a husband and everything I teach men today it's what the Holy Spirit taught me he can teach you anything and when you you know I don't know how to I didn't know how to talk I was terrible terrible communicator Holy Spirit teach me how to talk here's what happens see Jesus isn't bent Jesus is straight when children are raised according the Word of God they grow up straight they grow up righteous it's only sin that bends us whether it's societal sin or family sin and so we bring that we bring that to the Lord and say I submit this to you all the pain all the hurt that comes with it I forgive but I pray that you would heal me and cause me to be straight and what happens is again Karen and I want to be the end of all iniquities in our families we don't want to carry any trash and give it to our children and grandchildren we want to be the disposal that gets rid of it by the blood of Jesus another root of dysfunctional communication is unforgiveness and unhit Oh hers and there's the old saying that hurt people hurt people and it really is true that when you're hurting a lot of times you have the highest incidence for any other people now let me say this there there are people that I have known in my life that I I pray that I'm never around again because they have the most damaging mouth of anyone I've ever been around and I know every time I'm around them I'm gonna get damaged I'm gonna get swine they may anybody know somebody like that you know when they walk up you're gonna get slimed in every case they were wounded as a child and and they don't hide it they wear it they wear it like a badge somebody hurt me somebody was mean to me my daddy my step daddy my mama my friend whatever I got hurt and it's almost like an entitlement that they hurt other people okay but because they're hurting and here's some of the fruits the root is unforgiveness I've been damaged I'm venting because of damage been done to me public venting is a fruit of this and that is I love to get into public and to let this thing out okay it's not a private thing it's a public thing and even righted my spouse as some of you may have relatives that may be your friends and you get together and their spouse trashes the other spouse in public okay that's what I'm talking about this is a person that likes a platform like a stage and they're hurting there's there's unforgiveness artsy unforgiveness is like a teapot it's gonna whistle it's the the what the pressure that's building up through my anger has got to find a way out okay whether it's self-harm or harming somebody else or whatever I say and so what this is this this is a venting of this unforgiveness and of this this you know thing that's going on inside of me and here is the here's the standard we always honor each other in public and again this goes back to maybe your mom business your dad or your dad this is your mom or your friends do this for whatever if I've got something to say to Karen I'm gonna say it to her in private but I'm not gonna wait till we get in a public place to begin to trash her or anybody else another another fruit now of this route is passive-aggressive behavior now here's what passive-aggressive behavior is but you know again when we have a problem with someone we walk up that person say hey love you I need to talk or something bothering me that's the functional way to deal with it passive-aggressive behavior means two things I'm not gonna do something for you I know you want me to do and I'm gonna do something I know you don't want me to do okay so I know that you have certain needs that you want to have met I'm not gonna meet it I am passively being aggressive with you I'm not being aggressive with you in the sense that I'm coming up and saying your you know your your ugly your mama dresses you funny you know that's that's aggressive that's frontal I'm coming to you and I'm saying you know to you something I know you don't want me to say I'm gonna do something I don't know I know you don't want me to eat chips and beds so I'm gonna bring them all to bed and I'm not gonna say a word about it because I just know it annoys you you know I'm not gonna do something I know you want me to do I'm gonna do something I know you don't want me to do and what I'm trying to do is get back at you and again it's dysfunctional it's not honest it's not the right way to behave and again is something that you may have been trained in to most damage with their mouth the most abuse with her mouth he goes back to a woman from their past okay that they won't forgive well what's the answer forgiveness you you have to go back you have to understand regardless of who hurt you the person you're married to is gonna get the worst of it it may be a person dead that wounded you but you're gonna hurt you're hurt people hurt people and so I go back you say how do I forgive let me tell you how to forgive first of all you release that person from your judgment see we're not qualified to judge God says vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord he's God is the only person who has the qualifications to judge another person when when you have hate some people have been so badly abused sexually physically verbally they've been so unbelievably abused that it explains how messed up their we had a guy on our church wanna wear disguise were meant and I just kept thinking this guy is so weird in one day I was talking to him and I just thought why are you why is he so weird and he was smiling one day I was talking to him he had this weird smile on his face and I thought he's the weirdest human I've ever met in my life and so we're sitting there talking and he's smile who's smiling at me said pastor Jimmy I know that I know you know I have a problem with authority and I said yeah it was like most rebellious human I've ever met in my life and he said I had 11 stepfathers what he said 11 set father's pastor Jimmy and I was abused by several of them very badly he said I struggle with trust we were friends from that moment forward in an instant before that I thought you're the weirdest guy I've ever known the next instant I thought it's amazing how normal he is based on he's been through see what I found out a long time ago I'm just not qualified to judge other people and so I've got to give that to the Lord and bless them and bless them the blessing I release the judgment to God and there's several things I love forgiveness doesn't make them right it just makes me free and until we let our past die God won't let our future live and I like that and when we go back into our past all of us have been hurt but we have to come to a place that we stop letting that anger reside within us and hurt other people through us maybe our spouse hurt us maybe it's an xpath service whatever the fruits of that though are all kinds of bad stuff so we have to get that out another route is in security and our security should be in God well every person's insecure I believe I don't think anyone I don't think there's anyone that doesn't deal with some level of insecurity when we got married here and I were both insecure but Karen was outwardly insecure and the fruits of that first of all lack of affection and giving I couldn't I could not be verbally affectionate with Karen when we first met physically either for that matter and it was it was miss training number one but the other thing it was just insecurity on my part I have a friend and the way here's here's the way he talks to his wife if he says to his wife past the ketchup I would say hey Karen would you pass the ketchup here's what here's what my friend would say you most gorgeous human on the planet love of my life would you please pass me the ketchup and when I hear him I'm just thinking why can't I do that but he's more secure that's why I mean insecurity causes you to be overly sensitive it causes you to be dishonest not dishonest as in telling lies but dishonest is and not telling the truth because I'm insecure I'm afraid of what you're gonna do if I tell the truth fear motivation all that type of thing the answer is putting your security in God we're all insecure without God in fact if you're secure without God you're deceived you shouldn't be secure my security is in God pursuing God in making my security in him rather my security being in you the Lord changes everything when we have a active daily relationship with him we take our fears and hurts and insecurity to him and we become secure in God that's the answer for that and number four root is ignorance is just being ignorant ignorant of your spouse ignorant of how to you know resolve conflict and things like that which causes frustration and stress Karen used to say things to me I didn't understand women I was completely ignorant concerning women and I didn't understand Karen's need for security and I didn't understand that she was a normal woman and Karen used to say things to me and here's what I would say that's crazy Karen this is crazy and I would get so frustrated with her because I was just ignorant of the opposite sex I was ignorant of her needs and out of my ignorance I would just say things that were so insensitive and so so wrong I was in you know one of the woman's most important needs is the need for security and so I didn't know that I just thought she ought to be just like me and because she wasn't she was weird but also had a counseling situation where there was a man in there this young man maybe about 40 years old and this this man and woman were in for counseling and they had had a lot of fights a lot of real severe fights and because she wouldn't give him sex and so they were in my office and we were talking and she she turned and he said honey I need sex I mean I'm being pure I'm being faithful to you but I need sex I don't understand what you'll give it to me and she looked at him and said it's because I don't want to have sex with you I just don't want it there was no marital problem there was not a need and did her that he was not meeting he was a very attentive husband but her her response not understanding it's one of the most profound needs in a man's life and meeting each other's needs we need to understand we almost never have the same need at the same time if you have the same needs at the same time you just need to take a picture of it and worship it the rest of your life okay is just you know is a good marriage is to servants and love a good marriage is honey what do you need doesn't matter if I need it doesn't matter if I understand it honey what you need I'll meet your needs but when we're ignorant of the opposite sex to see what happens is is a lot of times you know there's Hill saying that marriage is about becoming one the question is which one is we get married and there's just vie for who who's gonna win and whose house it's gonna be in which personality is gonna you know be it's both marriage is a win-win situation we both get our needs met but when you're ignorant of the opposite sex and you're ignorant of how God made marriage it'll cause you to say and do things that are very harmful in this this woman for an example she's a good woman she wasn't a bad woman she'd mean to hurt her husband she thought there was something wrong with him because he wanted more sex than she did she was ignorant of the fact that she married a normal man and his sexual needs kept drawing him back to her it's a magnet that God put in men that keeps drawing them back to their wives God gave men the need for sex and women the gift of sex it's wonderful I so we need to understand each other and meet each other's needs and here's the last one is pride it's and this is kind of the original sin of marriage but pride and some of the fruits of pride or blame transfer not taking responsibility for my problems dominance and another one is being unteachable teachability always precedes success having a teachable spirit always whatever your teachable in is what you're gonna be successful at because you're humble you show me a wealthy person who's been wealthy for very long and I'll show you someone who has financial advisors all around them you show me someone who is chronically successful in marriage I'll show you someone who reads and listens and pursues information but you show me someone who is chronically unsuccessful in anything and I'll show you someone with pride in an unteachable spirit and even in the midst of their failure they think they know more than others and humility and teachability always precede success I hope you enjoyed that teaching you know we love bringing this information to you you know you can succeed in marriage all of us can succeed in marriage when we do it God's Way we just need the right information and we really believe that this information is very important you know just to help you to grow in your marriage and to experience the marriage of your dreams right now we want to put the full seminar into your hands what you saw on today's program is just a very small part of a full seminar that I do call sex love and communication and right now as you support the ministry and mission here at marriage today we are a ministry that comes to you but we're a mission that goes all over the world helping people to succeed in marriage and family relationships and right now when you give to us a gift of any amount we're gonna send you my booklet the keys to sexual fulfillment in marriage it really it's a it's a booklet 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you Jimmy Evans book the keys to sexual fulfillment in marriage sex tells us that our differences have a dynamic to them and here's what male and female means it takes two to make one get your copy of the sex love and communication series on CD and the book for your gift of $45 or more for your gift of $90 or more you'll receive the entire series on CD and DVD plus the book this tiny little thing Lang between your teeth has the power to build a remarkable marriage and a remarkable family and a remarkable life start talking and fall in love all over again get your copy of sex love and communication today my program today is really on how not to communicate it's dysfunctional communication is called don't talk to me like that we're just talking about the way that we talk to each other and you know communication is a wonderful thing if you're doing it correctly but if you're doing it incorrectly can be very very hurtful very frustrating week I think everybody's experienced that and we have some questions Karen from summer of year my wife and I are so different I understand she doesn't have the same needs as me but she's disappointed me so much I don't want to try anymore yeah she doesn't have your needs and it says she's disappointed you so much let me talk about one of our resources which is marriage in Iraq and I talked about the different needs of men and women and it sounds like you're very frustrated that you're not getting your needs met your wife probably isn't getting hers met either when you not got married Karen I didn't understand that men and women were different and so I was very frustrated with you because I just like you're weird that's like you're very beautiful but you're extremely weird because you're not like me and so I just kept trying to browbeat you and try to make you be like me and it just didn't work and so the the four needs of a man are respect and sex and friendship with his wife and domestic support okay but the four needs of a woman are security open and honest communication soft non-sexual affection in leadership and so are you meeting your wife's needs and so you say she's disappointed me so much you're disappointing her - I promise you that your your wife needs you to help her to feel secure and that means that you lay your life down for her that you let her know that she's the most important thing in your life and that you're talking to her patiently and that you're affectionate with her and that you're the leader of the home once your wife has her needs met you'll be surprised how she responds to meeting your needs and you can tell her what your needs are and that's important but sometimes it's just a battle Karen where people get married we did this we get married in in you know there the moment someone said marriage is about becoming one the question is which one and a lot of times people get married and they just started this fight of shaming each other rejecting each other and trying conform the other person in their image it just doesn't work we're two halves of a whole when we respect each other and understand each other this is how marriage works it's wonderful when you don't do it that way it doesn't become very frustrating so I say this husband focus on yourself and on your wife meet her needs maybe this question for you Karen Karen you said that you were passive-aggressive when you were angry at Jimmy how can you honor your husband and not internalize anger at the same time well actually it was the God that changed me because I kind of got tired of my moodiness it's like you know you get you do you get really tired of just you know what would happen is you would do something and because you could out talk me I would be convinced that you know you were right and I was wrong and I get away from the situation I think the more to think about this the more I think this is just not fair and I just let students do and then I get over it and then something else would happen and something else that happened and then all of a sudden I would just explode or I would take it out on the kitchen cabinets or you know take the car and drive all over the place or you know just do things just to get away from the situation but my anger was still there you know I'm still using that volatile thing that's not good and so you know if you have that is your issue you know I would just recommend you know just being honest before the Lord first of all and just telling the Lord you know you don't want to have anger that you do want to deal with you know things righteously and do it right because you know in the end no one wins I mean you don't and then the person you're being passive-aggressive with is you know they lose respect for you and so you know just be honest and then just pray about it and then just you know be when you have issues come up make them short and simple you know if something's bothering me don't let it go on and on and just say you know short accounts keep my heart pure and then just talk about it in a normal normal way with your head in I agree with everything you just said and it sure helps when your spouse lets you be honest yeah and I think one of the reasons that you were passive aggressive for so long was to because I was in a safe place and when you complained I wasn't patient I wasn't sympathetic with what you were saying so you one of the reasons you were passive-aggressive was trying to communicate with me how frustrate you were that's a good answer we hope this program today has helpful for you we're only able to come to you right now because the precious people those two with us financially would you consider giving your most generous gift right now to help us here at marriage today take our message across America and around the world you have information on your screen phone numbers on your string you can call and use your bank card to give you can go on our secure website there and give that way or you can mail your gift our dresses there on your screen thank you for watching today and thank you for standing with us financially we have some more information watch this going through divorce is a lot to ask of children and often result in years of emotional pain it's a violent ripping a part of their parents and a sense of abandonment what sometimes we see as a quick way out can mean complete loss for a child you have a 100% chance of success in marriage you were made for marriage marriage today exists to protect children from the pain of divorce antis your couples away from marital failure by telling them a truth when you stand with marriage today your individual effort multiplies with other like-minded partners and together we can rebuild a legacy of strong families around the world choose your level of partnership today and receive the immediate access to the video streaming library become a rock solid partner today [Music] thank you for watching marriage today with Jimmy & Karen subscribe to marriage 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Channel: XO Marriage

Views: 157,328

Rating: 4.8904977 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage advice, relationships, relationship help, counseling, Christian counseling, divorce, husband, wife, issues, fixing your marriage, love, marriagetoday, Jimmy Evans, wedding, wedding planning

Id: rbrxN51Oseo

Length: 27min 1sec (1621 seconds)

Published: Sat May 26 2018