Why We Marry Who We Marry

coming up on marriage today with Jimmy & Karen compatibility is not based on sameness compatibility is based on beliefs values and character what makes Karen and I compatible is not that we're the same because we're polar opposites what makes Karen and I compatible is we love Jesus we're going to the same place in life and we both agree that the character of Christ is what we're after [Music] let me talk about why we why we marry the person that we marry and how it can be a healing journey and not be a journey of pain like like ours was for so long and I want to say this related to the sovereignty of God because God is more sovereign than we think he is in who we marry it's understanding the sovereign purpose of God in marriage or why god tricks us into falling in love with someone who can drive us so crazy and why they drive us so crazy and how we can stop being driven so crazy and be healed when we're dating we are doing it mostly on a very subconscious level and we don't realize it we're dating a person and we're looking at how attractive they are or you know if we like being with them or if we share you know the same basic things in common and it is important to to be compatible and I'll talk more about that in just a minute but research has proven that most of the dating that we do in choosing a spouse is a very it's done on the subconscious and a good analogy is an iceberg you see an iceberg and the tip is sticking out of the water but the mass is below the water when we're dating we're looking at a person typically at a very on a very superficial level but God is doing something so much more under the surface that we don't even know about and it's the not knowing that creates the danger it's not understanding what God is doing when we're choosing a spouse that really creates the danger in when we marry and a lot of the pain that is caused in marriage so I want to talk about two sovereign and subconscious choices that we make when we're choosing a spouse when Karen and I were dating I was dating her I didn't know there was anything deeper than just going out and having fun but God wires us to choose a spouse according to his will God wires us to choose a spouse in a certain way and there's something way deeper going on when we're dating and then the person we marry there's something much more sovereign that we think there is in who we marry and so there's two choices that we make when we're dating and get married that we need to understand the first is when we're dating and marry we're trying to find a person to be our compatible opposite okay now a lot of people would say no when I marry I'm looking for someone that's like me no you're not in a on a conscious level you may think that you're looking for a person that's like you God wired you to find your opposite this is what Genesis 2:18 says Lord said it is not good that man should be alone I will make him a helper comparable to him the word helpers the word aids er it means to supply what is lacking God didn't create another Adam because Adam didn't need another him he needed someone to supply what was lacking marriage is not this marriage is this you don't need another you the last thing in the world you need is another you you need someone who supplies what's lacking and so God created Eve to complement Adam and so when we're getting married consciously we're thinking I'm gonna find someone that's just like me I just you know because I'm normal I want to find another normal person just like me I don't know I don't know if you've ever thought about this but you're basically incompatible with yourself yep you're looking for somebody compatible we're looking for someone to complete us compatibility is not based on sameness compatibility is based on beliefs values and character what makes Karen and I compatible is not that we're the same because we're polar opposites what makes Karen and I compatible is we love Jesus we're going to the same place in life and we both agree that the character of Christ is what we're after you want a person that you share beliefs with that you share life goals with and values and that you believe in their character though the purpose of dating is not to see how good a person is in bed the purpose of dating is to see a person's character so you can spend your life with them safely that's the person the purpose of dating so if we have the same beliefs and values and character we're compatible but we're going to be very very different and it's not understanding that that causes so much the problem remember Adam rejected eat as soon as they fell Adam rejected it even said to God that woman that you gave me she's the problem ever since she showed up it's been nothing but problems and he was not accusing Eve he was accusing God of not giving him the right woman even though he did he was created perfectly you want to be compatible you want to be compatible in Christ you want to have the same character and values that someone different here's the second subconscious decision and sovereign decision that we're making to find a committed partner to walk me back through my past so I can heal now many people including myself would say when they're getting married I want to find a person to take me as far from my past as I can possibly get it is exactly opposite we're looking for a person who will walk us back to our past so we can be healed so let me tell you the story of dr. Harbor old Hendricks and his wife ruthless Kelly hunt horrible Hendricks and his wife have written a book called getting the lab you want it's good book and he was the professor of marriage and Family Therapy at SMU Southern Methodist University for many years and during the time that he was the professor there a marriage and family he divorced his wife later he remarried ruthless Kelly Hunter and his wife said to him your you were the marriage guy I mean you knew all this stuff about marriage why did you divorce and that question really haunted him and then and they wanted to add they were researchers they were both marriage people and they wanted to answer this question why do couples fight pretty simple thing I mean the person that could answer that question I mean that's a pretty valuable thing why do couples fight why why did Karen and I fight when we first got married so much and after eight years of research after eight years of research they came to this conclusion we are all wounded from our past and we are subconsciously looking for a spouse who has the best chance of healing us as the marriage guy at SMU he divorced remarried was haunted by the question why did I divorce my wife he didn't know why do we fight so much he didn't know research it for eight years they believe that most of our fights are because we are unaware of the dynamic that is going on of healing each other and that's what causes the fighting is because it's in the subconscious realm and we don't really understand what's going on when Karen and I got married we fought all the time because we were touching each other's wounds I absolutely agree with the thesis of their book I believe it's why I married Karen I believe it's why she married me we fought each other we did not have an understanding of that though and we wounded each other we wounded each other and we wounded each other until we began to heal each other you said with Jimmy what changed that you began to heal each other number one we had to both admit that we were wounded I was very macho and I was extremely damaged but I put on this tough exterior and every time that Karen would get close to my wounds which I had many I would reject her and act tough karen advertised her pain she had low self-esteem and everybody knew it she was devastated and so but Karen was the first one that came to me she was more humble than me is she more honest than me and Karen said I'm damaged I'm damaged shimming and I thought well finally you're getting it you know you're the problem yeah well she was more godly than me more humble than me but then the Lord broke through my heart and I stopped the lie and I told Karen I'm damaged Karen and it's the fear of you seeing this that motivates a lot of my fights I don't I don't want you to see how messed up I really am but obviously she could see it we stop blaming each other and attacking each other if you're gonna heal each other you have to stop attacking each other and this is what Karen did that was so wise she just sat down one day and said God heal mean what about Jimmy God heal me she put the focus on herself we both turned to God but another thing that we began to do that was very important is we allowed each other to complain without being attacked and I said to Karen and she said to me I'm your safe place I'm not gonna judge you and attack you when you say stuff and if there's something that you're feeling if there's something that's going on I want you to tell me and I want to attack you and so we're gonna talk it out but I'm not going to attack you so we became a safe place for each other to come and share and we healed each other and let me say this women were given the name in Genesis 2 of the Holy Spirit helper jesus said when I leave I'm gonna send another helper a three it's the oh that's Agers the Hebrew but in the New Testament it's the same thing he's gonna supply what's lacking he's gonna give you the power to accomplish a task and to supply what's lacking women are made in the image of the Holy Spirit and guess what the Holy Spirit say either how did Karen heal me she well first of all she helped me find my emotions Karen helped me to walk back through my past I'm not wired to feel and so we would have conversations it was talking to Karen that healed me because we would have conversations about my past and I would say something and Karen would say Jimmy this is this is what happened and this is how you're feeling about that she's always right okay gently spirit of truth that's what Karen is just like the Holy Spirit she healed me she was my safe place to talk and she believed in me she she always believed in me she always spoke you know honor to me honor heals men many men our deepest wounds were caused by a disrespect and lack of honor and so her honor healed me how did I heal Karen I gave her strength and confidence when she was unsure of herself I have confidence I gave her confidence when when she liked it I committed myself to nourish and cherish her and to put her first in my life their deepest wounds are from feeling lack of value that they're not worth fighting for and they feel insecure and so I created an environment of security when I cherished Karen and put her first and I healed her listen listen to me I remember that when Karen and I woke up and there were no more wounds I remember the day in Canyon Texas when I told Karen to get out of the house go back to her parents and I was a wounded a very very wounded individual and I repented and we did what I'm describing here but I remember the day that we were not wounded people Karen and our it's wonderful to live in a healed marriage but I know what it's like to live in an unhealed marriage you were designed to heal each other no let me let me say one thing and I'm done there's a movie called groundhogs they built Bill Murray and in this movie he's a rotten guy he's a weatherman and he's that at this place doing a report on groundhogs day he's just a rotten guy in morale just a crummy rotten guy and he wakes up the next morning and it's the same day is still Groundhog Day and he's trying to get this girl Andie MacDowell plays the character of the woman he's trying to get this girl and he's a rotten guy and he wakes up the same day he's still rotten and he wakes up the next day he's still rotten day after day he wakes up and it's still Groundhog Day over and over and he's a rotten guy and finally he gets the message that he needs to improve as a human being and so he begins to be kind and thoughtful and moral and he begins to improve himself and finally at the end of the movie he's just a wonderful human being any wakes up and it's a new day if you keep rejecting each other and attacking each other you're gonna keep living the same day for the rest of your life you're not gonna wake up in a new day in your marriage until you understand this you married your opposites celebrated and you marry someone to heal you let them that's the way that God wires us those are the conscious the subconscious decisions that we are making when we are dating and when they come into the known realm into the conscious realm and we make the decision to accept each other to cherish each other and to heal each other that's what marriage becomes a healing journey the way that God designed it to be I'll hope that teaching blesses you it's called the healing journey of marriage and God designed a marriage to heal us now that's hard for a lot of people to believe early in our marriage ken and i wounded each other and that's many people experienced that but when you do it correctly marriage heals you that's the way God designed it that's the purpose of this teaching has helped us to understand that SOPA blesses you you know we're a ministry we're a mission we go across America around the world helping people understand God's design for marriage and how they can thrive in marriage and we also want to keep little children's parents together to keep families together that's what we do and we need your financial help right now for your gift of any amount to help us with the mission and ministry of marriage today we want to send you this message right here the full message you just heard part of it today the CD single or the mp3 download we'll get that to you for your gift of any amount to help us here at marriage today also for your gift of $55 or more we'll send you the strength based marriage book tremendous resource and it also has over two hours a video resource footage as a part of the book it comes with the book Allen Kelsey and I have written this book to help people understand their strengths and how we differ in marriage but when you understand it how it really builds a strong marriage and also with your gift of $55 or more we're gonna send you the lifelong love affair CDs series it's a another seminar that I do just more blessing more understanding in marriage and for your gift of $90 or more we're going to send you the strength based marriage book along with lifelong love affair but it's the DVD series four-part gonna bless you're gonna help your marriage and maybe you know someone that they're struggling in their marriage maybe someone single or divorced or just struggling in their marriage and you want to get these resources for yourself and maybe pass them on to somebody else or even give them as a gift right now as you give to marriage today you're helping us to take this message back to you also around the world is we also want to bless you here's how you can get these resources discover you and your spouse's view drinks and how they affect every part of your relationship strengths based marriage a new book from Jimmy Evans and Gallup certified strengths coach Alan Kelsey takes the concepts from the popular Clifton strengths finder assessment and applies them to marriage there are 34 strengths that describe the way that you are motivated to behave in any given situation understanding your strengths and how they relate to marriage is life changing support marriage today with your best online gift of any amount and we'll send you the healing journey of marriage get the book strengths based marriage for your gift of $55 or more over two hours of video footage from the authors is included with the book purchase will also include Jimmy's popular CD series of lifelong love affair for your gift of $90 or more you'll receive the strengths-based marriage book with video footage plus the entire lifelong love affair series on DVD build a stronger relationship by understanding each other's gifts get your copy today [Music] I'm Jimmy Evans this is my co-author Alan Kelsey and we have written the book strengths-based marriage we want to kind of go more in depth on these teachings to help you Caryn's number one strength is empathy the feeling feelings yeah being connected to ever all the feelings that's my number 34 man it's mine too and I tell you stephanie has her super high and we're similar in that regard and I think until we know that we're doing this to our spouses we're just walking all of them and we have no idea we're doing it yeah and in the but the beauty of the the Clifton strengths finder is in the strengths based marriage book it changed our lives I'm gonna say it changed us I understand today that my wife has a strength mm called empathy and it's so good to frame it that way - yeah and for years I knew that she was way too connected to everybody's emotions yeah and it made me nervous and it made me think there's something wrong yeah there's nothing not normal it's a string well but my number one strength is achiever that's her number 34 so I mean in our marriage and you have been our strength coach in our marriage it has helped us so much to just see each other through this lens this is what we want to give you in the book is a new way to understand marriage in a language by which you can say you know this you're doing this and this is why you're doing that but I'm different okay let's talk about your chapter and can we both row together but you chose the chapter the secret every passion that's right so talk about that well I really wanted to get into that particular chapter because I was convinced and remain convinced that these strengths are so much a part of what motivates our everyday action whether we're connected to that being the case or not whether we know or not these strengths are given to us by God and they cause us to act in a particular way so it's a form of motivation it motivates us to behave in a particular way well if that's true for my waking moments then that's true for every conceivable thing whether I'm typing on a computer engaging with my daughters playing around a golf or whether Stephanie and I are between the sheets and the thought that my strengths might influence our behavior between the sheets just it hit me like a ton of bricks I didn't realize how this could be true and what might that look like and as I got into the research for it and got into some of the writing I realized that there's a profound implication there but I gotta tell you when I first started writing it it got weird real fast well because um okay so I'll just take my number one strength i I have my first strength is achiever since so this the essence of achievers that we just love to get things done and we might we might even make lists of things and I feel accomplished when I can check something off so it's not just the starting or the or they're getting busy with it's the finishing with all completion it's the achieving the goal right so you take the achieving the gold perspective and you draw it and you drag that into the bedroom and then things start to become very goal oriented and and now you've now you've brought a bunch of pressure into the bedroom that doesn't really need to be there and and but trying to write about it became so specific it just felt creepy it was awkward I couldn't write it and be respectful and so I struggled and I couldn't figure out how to write it and then I realized because Gallup takes some of these strengths and puts them into into these clusters there are four kind of domains of the way people think and there's this executing domain achiever goes into that box and there's six or seven others that fit in that box and so if you take what happens in the bedroom and consider it through an executing strength and there's this this pathway or this tendency for people in that category and the way that they might behave in the bedroom and so I wanted to normalize things that husbands or wives might ask for between the sheets by looking at it through this wiring and saying this is kind of the way God made you and so there's a side to this as long as it's respectful and agreed-upon that's really healthy and normal and it ought not to be frowned upon because of some traditions something that you've brought being brought up yeah you know and I teach about sex you know in my marriage seminars and people get really uptight you know well but you know but we get nervous because we're different that's right men and women are different but we have different strengths in understanding how your spouse interpret sex yeah you know what they want in sex you know so I believe you're getting the best of Allen Kelsey and Jimmy Evans and in this book strengths based marriage along with all the expertise of the Clifton strengths finder to help you to understand your strengths your spouse's strengths and to have a stronger marriage thank you for joining us good luck [Music] [Music] well Alan Kelsey is the strength expert we've written the book strength-based marriage and I wrote it from the perspective of marriage he wrote it from the perspective of taking our strengths 34 strengths Karen and I are very different and we're different by God's design see a lot of people have the misconception of believing that compatibility means that we're the same in marriage that's not what compatibility means we are different by God's design god wired us to find our compatible opposite and compatibility means we have the same basic beliefs beliefs in God we have the same basic values in life we have the same basic character and we believe in the same basic things and we want the same things for our future and for our children and things like that that's what makes you compatible but regardless of how compatible you are and I hope you're compatible you're very different we have different strengths Karen's number-one strength is mine number 34 and my number one strength is Karen's number 34 and early in our marriage we fought like cats and dogs we rejected each other we just each other we didn't realize that we were a team that you know when you put a team together you don't want one person playing every position the words you don't want eleven quarterbacks on the football field you have one quarterback and then you have tackles and guards and then everybody else but somehow in marriage we think that a good team means we're both just a life well that's not it at all when God created Adam in Genesis chapter 2 God said it's not good for that man to be alone I'm gonna create a helper means aids er it means someone to supply what's lacking Eve wasn't another Adam like this she complimented him she was equal but she complimented him that's the way God designed marriage we hope that this program has been a blessing to you there's going to be a reminder in just a minute about the resources that we're offering today the strength based marriage book I hope you you'll get that it will really bless you let me also say that the heart of this ministry the backbone of our ministry financially are our precious partner to stand with us every month they give to us every single month we have different levels they're gonna find out in just a minute how you can become a partner with us if you're not a partner already but I just want to say thank you for the to those of you who do support us financially we can't do what we do without you there's a world in need marriages are under attack like never before but we're here to give hope and encouragement to couples to singles to young people that you can make it in marriage you have a 100% chance of success in marriage when you do it God's Way become a partner with us and here's how you can do [Music] we all enter into marriage confident a happy fulfilling life is in front of us over time life's journeys can quickly deflate those expectations and we're left feeling like we've fallen out of love but with the right information and a mutual commitment to success a better marriage is possible become a rock solid partner and gain instant access to practical marriage help in topics ranging from communication needs and intimacy as well as blended families intentional dating spiritual health and much more marriage today exists to help every person succeed in marriage with your help we can continue raising the standard for marriage and reverse the curse of family breakup in order to rebuild the nation's one home and time that's why we're tied into the ministry we want to be able bless and give so they there's just millions of marriages that need help if this is the way we can help facilitate that that's a great way to spend somebody who loves you Karen more about how to be a better couple and how to like video become a rock solid partner with the Ministry and mission of marriage today thank you for watching marriage today with Jimmy & Karen subscribe to marriage today's YouTube channel for more marriage building videos and updates you

Channel: XO Marriage

Views: 183,416

Rating: 4.8986654 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage advice, relationships, relationship help, counseling, Christian counseling, divorce, husband, wife, issues, fixing your marriage, love, marriagetoday, Jimmy Evans, wedding, wedding planning

Id: dqmfRcQOJ6k

Length: 27min 3sec (1623 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 11 2018