♪♪ ♪♪ >> Greg: SO SAY SOMETHING CLEVER, GUYS! I THINK HE'S BETTER THAN THAT. CLAP, YOU PEOPLE. CLAP, EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU. HAPPY WEDNESDAY, EVERYONE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. I'M NOT KIDDING. JAMIE IS BACK. IF HE WAS ANY SMARTER OR CUTER, HE'D BE ME AND KELLYANNE CONWAY IS HERE. I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE HER. HEARING HER NAME HAS JIM ACOSTA CLUTCHING HIS ZOE LOVE. WE'RE GOING TO DO -- ZOLOF. WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT TONIGHT. TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO BORE YOU TO TEARS. SERIOUSLY, WHY SHOULD COLBERT AND KIMMEL BE THE ONLY ONES ALLOWED TO DO THAT ON LATE-NIGHT TV. YES THIS SEGMENT IS ON... ETHANOL! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! HOLD ON. WE'RE GOING TO DO FUN STUFF IN THE NEXT BLOCK. I PROMISE. OK, FINE. BEFORE WE GET TO THE ETHANOL, HERE IS HILLARY REFUSING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS AS TO WHO HER PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SPIED ON FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. >> DID YOU PAY TO SPY ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COMMENT ON THE SPYING ALLEGATIONS, HILLARY? DID YOU PAY TO HAVE HIM SPIED ON? >> HILLARY, HILLARY, HILLARY. >> Greg: WELL, THAT WAS GREAT. AS YOU KNOW, IT'S ALLEGED LAWYERS FROM HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN IN 2016 PAID TO ACCESS SERVERS BELONGING TO TRUMP TOWER AND LATER THE WHITE HOUSE IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH A NARRATIVE TO BRING TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AGENCIES THAT WOULD LINK DONALD TRUMP TO RUSSIA. EVEN THOUGH HILLARY WOULDN'T ANSWER QUESTIONS ON THAT, SHE MANAGED TO TWEET SAYING, "TRUMP AND FOX DESPERATELY SPINNING UP A FAKE SCANDAL TO DISTRACT US FROM HIS REAL ONE. SO IT'S A DAY THAT ENDS IN LOSS." HM. LOOK, PANTS SUIT, NO ONE HAD TO SPIN THIS UP. IT DIDN'T COME FROM "FOX & FRIENDS" OR MAR-A-LAGO OR KIM JONG-UN'S BUTT HOLE IT CAME FROM AN INVESTIGATION. NO WONDER YOU'RE PLEADING FOR THE MEDIA TO CIRCLE THEIR WAGONS AROUND YOU. AS YOU PUSHED RUSSIAN COLLUSION NONSTOP AND TURNS OUT YOU WERE THE COLLUSION THE WHOLE TIME. WE'LL GET TO ETHANOL FIRST. LIKE A PARENT MAKING YOU EAT THE BROCCOLI BEFORE YOU GET THE PUDDING NOR KAT'S CASE, LITHIUM. HERE IS THE BRAND-NEW NEXIO. >> THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY YOU'LL HEAR TONIGHT NO ONE ELSE BOTHERED TO REPORT BECAUSE IT MAKES EVERYONE LOOK STUPID EXCEPT FOR PEOPLE LIKE GREG WHO WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG! >> Greg: YEAH, ETHANOL, AS YOU KNOW, IS MADE FROM CORN OR AS LIZ WARREN CALLS IT, MAIZE. FOR YEARS, IT WAS MIXED INTO GASOLINE TO BE SOLD IN AMERICA'S GAS PUMPS AMASSING SOMETHING NO ONE WANTED BEING FORCED ON YOU. THE REASON? IT WAS BETTER FOR THE PLANET. CORN THAT WOULD NORMALLY GO TO FEED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE GLOBE OR TYRUS FOR A WEEK INSTEAD WOULD FILL YOUR GAS TANK. BUT GET THIS, NOW IT TURNS OUT ETHANOL IS A MUCH BIGGER CONTRIBUTOR TO GLOBAL WARMING THAN STRAIGHT GASOLINE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY. YEP, EVERYTHING THEY TOLD US ABOUT ETHANOL AND CLIMATE WAS JUST LIKE RUSSIAN COLLUSION, COVINGTON, KAVANAUGH, THE ORIGINS OF COVID AND WHAT'S REALLY INSIDE GERALDO'S MUSTACHE. IT'S ALL B.S. BUT YET IT'S ANOTHER LIBERAL FANTASY THAT CAUSES THE OPPOSITE OF ITS GOAL LIKE GOVERNMENT SPENDING, FIXING POVERTY OR THE "DAILY SHOW" INSPIRING LAUGHTER IT'S ALL FROM A STUDY PUBLISHED IN THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE NATIONAL ACADEMY OF SCIENCES. IT'S WHERE I USED TO WORK BEFORE THEY CAUGHT ME ABUSING A BEAKER AND CONTRADICTS PREVIOUS RESEARCH SHOWING ETHANOL IS A GREEN ENERGY SOURCE. LIKE JOE BIDEN IN A PORT-A-POTTIE, ETHANOL IS NO FRIENDLY TO THE ENVIRONMENT. ETHANOL'S TRADE LOBBY TRASHED THE STUDY. WHY WOULDN'T THEY? THEY'RE THE ETHANOL TRADE LOBBY, NOT THE SOCIETY FOR SAVING YOU MONEY TO SPEND ON GAS STATION SNACKS LIKE THIS AMAZING LANCED CRACKERS WITH REAL PEANUT BUTTER. AM I THE ONLY ONE? ALL RIGHT. THIS HAS BEEN A CASH COW FOR THE LOBBY AND FARMERS GOT PAID FOR THE CORN WHETHER IT REALLY WORKED OR NOT SO IT'S TRULY IMPREGN SOURCE OF -- A GREEN SOURCE OF ENERGY. OUR OIL REFINERS MUST MAKE SOME 15 BILLION GALLONS OF CORN-BASED ETHANOL EVERY YEAR. EVEN TO ERIC SWALWELL, IT'S A LOT OF GAS. >> THE PRESIDENT USED TAXPAYER DOLLARS TO ASK THE URANIANS TO MAKE THEM CHEAT IN THE ELECTION. >> Greg: WHILE THE POLICY PRETENDED TO REDUCE EMISSIONS, IT'S A GIANT SUBSIDY FOR CORN GROWERS. THE CORN WOULD OTHERWISE BE USED TO FEED PEOPLE. MEANWHILE, THIS KILLING OF THE FIELDS RELEASE IN ORDER CARBON FROM THE SOIL WHILE NITROGEN FERTILIZERS ALSO PRODUCED EMISSIONS. DEAR LORD, THIS IS THE MOST RESEARCH I'VE DONE SINCE I DECIDED TO SOUND PROOF MY BASEMENT LOVE DEN. I DID SO MUCH RESEARCH, I EVEN UNCOVERED THIS LONG, LOST VIDEO FROM THE CORN LOBBY. ♪♪ CORN, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST VERSATILE CROPS IN THE WORLD. SURE, YOU KNOW IT AS THE FOOD YOUR WIFE MAKES, BUT DID YOU KNOW TODAY'S BRIGHTEST MINDS HAVE COME UP WITH HUNDREDS OF OTHER USES? FOR EXAMPLE A CAN OF CORN MAKES A GREAT DOORSTOP. >> SHUCKS, THAT DOOR WON'T BUDGE NO NORMANS GETTING IN HERE. >> THAT'S RIGHT! A CAN OF CORN COULD BE USED AS A BLUNT MURDER WEAPON. CORN IS ALSO GREAT FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION. DON'T FORGET TO HOLD IT UP TO YOUR EAR. WE KNOW HOW YOU LADIES LOVE TO TALK. >> VACUUMING ALL DAY HIDES THE PAIN. >> CORN OIL IS A LIGHT AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. TASTY, HAH? >> WHAT WHY DO YOU PUT -- WHY DO YOU PUT THIS IN GASOLINE? >> BECAUSE SHUT THE [BEEP] UP, KOMMI. EVERYONE IS FULL OF POOP, NOT EVEN CORN-FILLED POOP. CLIMATE EXPERTS, LOBBYISTS AND POLITICIANS ESPECIALLY. WHILE YOU STRUGGLE TO FILL YOUR GAS TANK, THEY'RE FILLING THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS ASKING FOR US TO SUBSIDIZE A PRODUCT. FOR YEARS, WE WERE TOLD THAT BIDEN IS CRAP. IF WE DIDN'T, WE HATED FARMERS, THOUGH, I ADMIT, I DIDN'T CARE FOR MR. GREEN JEANS. EVEN AT 10, I WASN'T BUYING IT. MEANWHILE, THE PRICE OF CORN ROSE FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE OUR GAS TANKS WERE NOW THE PRIMARY CLIMATE. LIKE GAS TANKS, THE COST TO FILL THEM WENT UP, TOO. WE WERE FINE. WE COULD EAT OTHER STUFF. HELL, I SUPPLEMENT MY DIET WITH RARE OCELOTS. I'M THAT RICH. FOR POORER COUNTRIES, CORN BECAME MORE EXPENSIVE. DID ANYONE STARVE? WHO KNOWS? THERE'S NO WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR THAT, BUT AT LEAST OUR AIR WAS BETTER HERE, EXCEPT IT WASN'T. SO THERE YOU GO. LIKE CNN'S PROGRAMMING OR RUSSIAN COLLUSION OR MAROON 5 MUSIC, ETHANOL SUBSIDIES AND POLITICIANS IN GENERAL IS ALL GARBAGE. IF YOU'RE STILL AWAKE, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS BORING MOMENT AND NOW BACK TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING AND YOUR HUNK GREG GUTFELD. HER TIME AT THE PODIUM HAD DEMOCRATS REACHING FOR IMODIUM. FORMER SENIOR COUNSELOR TO PRESIDENT TRUMP AND AUTHOR OF THE NEW MEMOIR "HERE'S THE DEAL" KELLYANNE CONWAY. EXCUSE ME THIS ALASKAN CAN'T EVEN GET A SEA LION TO CLAP, ACTOR/WRITER/COMEDIAN JAMIE LIGHT THOUSAND. SHE'S LIKE A -- LITHOW. SHE'S LIKE A GLOW STICK AT RAVES, KAT TIMPF. MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK AND THE NWA WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION TYRUS. KELLYANNE, WELCOME TO THE SHOW. >> THANK YOU. >> Greg: YOU KNOW WHAT I DECIDED TO DO? YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER AND FIND OUT SOMEONE IS A VEGETARIAN, YOU MAKE SURE THERE'S A VEGETARIAN OPTION. WHEN I DID THIS MONOLOGUE ETHANOL, I DECIDED I NEEDED TO HAVE AN OPTION FOR SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO TALK ABOUT AN INTERESTING STORY. I WANTED TO ENTER THE HILLARY PIECE BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET YOUR OPINION ON THAT STORY NOW THAT THE DURHAM REPORT COMES OUT AND SHE WANTED TO CALL IT FAKE NEWS BUT THAT TERM WAS ALREADY INVENTED. SHE SAID FAKE SCANDAL. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE TURN-ABOUT NOW SHE'S ON THE DEFENSE? >> SOUNDS LIKE THE 62% OF AMERICANS WHO RIGHT BEFORE THE 2016 ELECTION SAID SHE WAS NEITHER HONEST OR TRUSTWORTHY WERE ONTO SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY STILL FEEL THAT WAY. IF SHE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE, SHE COULD IGNORE IT WHAT SHE IGNORED IS DAILY MAIL'S REPORTERS QUESTIONED YESTERDAY, WHICH WERE POIGNANT, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT PAY FOR THIS FAKE SCANDAL? I WOULD HAVE JUST SAID, NO, THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY. I THINK WHAT IS HAPPENING IS THAT THEY ARE CAUGHT LONG AFTER THE FACT DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY ACCUSED US OF DOING. I WAS AT THE CAMPAIGN. I WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE. APPARENTLY, THEY'RE SURVEILLING BOTH. JAKE SULLIVAN IS NOW THE NATIONAL SECURITY DIRECTOR FOR THE COUNTRY. ERS THE GUY WHO WENT OUT -- HE'S THE GUY WHO WENT OUT TO THE PODIUM LAST WEEK AND TOLD THE WHOLE WORLD WHAT WAS GOING TO NAP UKRAINE AS DOES THE UNITED STATES INVOLVEMENT. THAT'S THE GUY THAT HILLARY KEPT RETWEETING. HE SAID WE HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION NOW BETWEEN THE SERVER AND THIS AND THAT AND THE OTHER. IT'S JOE BIDEN THAT GAVE US THE RUSSIAN COLLUSION. PUTIN NEVER HAD A BETTER FRIEND THAN -- TO SAY NOTHING OF HIS OWN PIPELINE, KILLED THE PIPELINES HERE AND GAVE HIM HIS OWN PIPELINE. HILLARY IS LIKE A BAD KENNEDY. SHE NEVER REALLY TRULY GOES AWAY YOU'LL NEED 99 MORE OF HER TO EVEN MAKE A DOLLAR. I MADE ALL OF THESE RUMORS SHE MAY RUN FOR OFFICE AGAIN. I REALLY HOPE SHE DOES, BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BEAT HER AND I WILL SAY ONE THING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON, SHE NEVER TRULY DOES ANYTHING TO BENEFIT ANYBODY OTHER THAN HILLARY CLINTON. SHE WAKES UP EVERYONE AS THE SECOND MOST POPULAR PERSON IN A TWO-PERSON HOUSEHOLD -- THAT'S ROUGH -- >> Greg: YES! >> THEN AS THE DAY GOES ON, WE REALIZE WHERE IS THE HILLARY CLINTON CENTER FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS? BILL HAS ONE OF THOSE, BUT, NO, SERIOUSLY! WHAT'S SHE DONE FOR ANYONE OF NOTE THAT SHE'S LEVERAGED HER POWER, HER FUND-RAISING PROWESS, HER POSITION TO HELP ANYONE OTHER THAN BLAMING EVERYONE FOR A LOSS SHE REALLY NEVER TRULY CONCEDED. I THINK THEY GOT CAUGHT HERE. IT'S WORTH EXAMINING. TWITTER LIT UP WITH, WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON? ARE YOU GOING TO IMPEACH HER NOW? THEY'RE SO OBSESSED WITH TRUMP, THEY GOT RIT OF HIM AND CAN'T ACQUIT HIM SO LET'S GET AT IT WITH HILLARY. $45 MILLION FOR MUELLER TO TELL US NOTHING. I'LL PUT IN $45 TO INVESTIGATE THIS. >> Greg: I THINK IT'D BE A GREAT SUMMER, JAMIE. YOU HAVE A JOYCE. YOU COULD HAVE THE -- YOU HAVE A CHOICE, JAMIE. YOU COULD HAVE THE OPTION ON WHAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT. >> I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AT IT WITH HILLARY. I'LL MOVE OVER TO THE ETHANOL. I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM THAT LAST SEGMENT AS I WAS WATCHING IT. I LEARNED FART NOISES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE REAL. ALWAYS FUNNY BUT, DUDE, THIS IS FASCINATING. I LEARNED A LOT WHEN READING ABOUT THIS. I'M GLAD THIS INFORMATION IS FINALLY OUT. AS YOU THREW OUT THERE, IT ENDS UP BEING TRUE FOR REAL. DAMN, CORN HAS A KICK ASS PUBLICIST. CORN WAS IN EVERYTHING. IF YOU LOOK AT THE CORN SOUP AND YOU LOOK AT -- ONE DAY -- CORN SYRUP AND YOU LOOK AT -- ONE DAY SOMEHOW THEY GO, WHAT ABOUT CORN-FLAVORED GAS? ONE GUY IS LIKE, I'M LISTENING! THAT'S INSANE. IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING EVER. I DID LOOK AT -- BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THERE'S ALWAYS OPINIONS ON BOTH SIDES. I LOOKED AT -- YOU KNOW THIS SAYS THAT IT'S MUCH WORSE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT IF WE STRAIGHT-UP WENT WITH GAS. I LOOKED. I FOUND IN 2019, THERE WAS A STUDY THAT SAID A LITTLE BIT OF THE ARGUING TO THE OPPOSITE. I WENT DEEPER INTO IT. IT TURNED OUT THAT STUDY WAS DONE BY CORN. >> Greg: YES! YES! THERE YOU GO. >> FASCINATING. >> Greg: VERY FASCINATING. TYRUS? WHICH STORY WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONCENTRATE ON? >> I, TOO, DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT AT WITH HILLARY. UM, I GUESS -- YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD MOVIE THAT WE'RE -- "THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH?" I THINK WE'RE FINDING WITH LIBERALS TRUTH SIN CONVENIENT. THEY REALLY -- TRUTH IS INCONVENIENT. THEY REALLY NEED TO SWITCH THAT TITLE. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THEY PREDICTED -- EXCEPT WE ALSO HAVE AOC PREDICTIONS. WE HAVE SEVEN YEARS LEFT AND THEN DEMOCRACY ENDS JUST SHORTLY AFTER THE WORLD ENDS? >> Greg: WHICH IS WORLD. >> JUST WHEN THE CROCK ROACHES -- COCKROACHES TAKE OVER, DEMOCRACY FALLS OUT AND THEY'RE UP IN ARMS ON WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOCIALISTS CRICKETS TAKING OVER WHAT'S LEFT OF THE WORLD SO WE HAVE ALL OF THAT TO GO FOR. AT SOME POINT, SOMEBODY HAS TO JUST -- WHENEVER THEY TALK GO "STOP! JUST SHHH! SIT DOWN! NO MORE!" BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS WRONG AND WHEN THEY'RE WRONG AND YOU CALL THEM ON IT, YOU'RE A RACIST SO IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THEM. LIKE, "HEY, LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING THE NUMBERS ON THE CORN THING AND IT LOOKS LIKE --" RACIST! "NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT A RACIST. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE --" SEXIST! "NO, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT THERE'S SOMETHING --" CANCEL HIM! HE'S GONE! YOU CAN'T TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ALREADY HAS THE ANSWERS AND THEY'RE WRONG. >> Greg: EVERY OBJECT IN LIFE BECOMES POLITICAL, EVEN CORN, KAT. YOU PROBABLY AS A LIBERTARIAN ARE PROBABLY GOING, DUH! BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING LIBERTARIANS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOREVER. RAND PAUL HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS. NO ONE LISTENS. >> IT'S SO SHOCKING. IT WOULD BE BETTER IF THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, RIGHT? IT'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING THAT IS SAID AND NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR THE COMMON GOOD OF EVERYONE BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG SCAM. >> Greg: UH-HUH. >> UNFORTUNATELY, MOST PEOPLE LEARN THE WRONG LESSON FROM THIS IF THEY PAY ATTENTION, WHICH THEY DON'T, BUT IF THEY DO, THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO DO FEWER THINGS. >> Greg: P.T. PASSED AWAY YESTERDAY. LIBERTARIANS AREN'T ABOUT POLITICS. IT'S ABOUT GETTING RID OF POLITICS OUT OF EVERYTHING. >> ABSOLUTELY. >> Greg: WE ENDED UP PUTTING POLITICS IN OUR OIL, GASOLINE AND FOOD AND EVERYWHERE. >> I WANT TO ADD ONE MORE THING, JAMIE, THAT FART WAS REAL! >> OH MY GOSH! >> I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT THE FACT HE DID FART. >> I DIDN'T DO THAT. >> Greg: I DID A DEEP DIVE ON ETHANOL. SHE DID A DEEP DIVE ON GAS. LITERALLY. >> I'VE BEEN RESEARCHING THAT SINCE HE FARTED. >> THAT'S THE ONLY REAL THING IN THE SEGMENT. YOU PLAYED WHAT HE WAS SAYING AGAIN, AND HE WAS LYING ABOUT THAT -- >> BUT THE FART WAS REAL. >> OH MY GOSH. >> THAT WAS THE ONLY AUTHENTIC THING. >> Greg: THE ONLY THING THAT IS HONEST THAT CAME OUT OF SWALWELL WAS HIS FART. >> CORN IS IN MORE THINGS THAN KEVIN HART. >> Greg: OH. >> HE'S DOING A LOT OF STUFF HE'S IN A LOT OF MOVIES AND STUFF. I LOVE KEVIN HART. >> THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW COKE. THE DEMOCRATS ARE JUST NEW COKE AND THEY WANT IT TO STAY. >> ACTUALLY, HILLARY, BEING IN THE SAME TOPIC ALONG WITH CORN MADE CORN VERY EXCITING TO ME. >> AT LEAST YOU KNO
