GREG GUTFELD IS STANDING BY TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING! [LAUGHS] I CAN MAKE THEM DO WHAT I WANT. HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY FROM SCENIC NEW YORK. IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR WHERE LEAVE START TO FALL ON THE HOMELESS PEOPLE. ALONG WITH THE SMELLS OF SKUNK WEED AND ROTTING DRUG ADDICTS. THE APPROPRIATE PUMPKIN SPICE URINE. IN A FEW WEEKS OF ELECTRIC CAR FIRES WILL KEEP PEOPLE WARM. AS A NEW ELECTION DEMO COLLECTION APPROACHES THAT MEANS IT IS HUNTING SEASON. >> FORGET CRIME. FORGET PRESENT. ♪ ♪ IT IS SO EASY. COMPROMISE. ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PRETTY GOOD. NOT TALKING ABOUT HUNTING FOR THE AIR OR EXPIRED HEALTH AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS AT DOLLAR GENERAL. IT IS POLITICAL DISSIDENTS SEASON. AWFUL PEOPLE WHO HOLD VIEWS THAT HAVE SO-CALLED TOLERANT MEDIA SHRIEK. GENTLE CHUCKLE FROM THE AUDIENCE. [LAUGHTER] ANY NONLIBERAL IN THE PUBLIC EYE. DISEASE AND OPEN IT WITH A DIRECT SHOT AT TWO WOMEN. TWO MAJOR REPUBLICAN GILFS. WHAT IS THAT? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED. >> GILFS. GRANNY'S I LOVE TO FRIEND. >> Greg: WHAT YOU THINK THAT STOOD FOR? DIRTIER THAN HUNTER BIDEN'S BEDSHEETS. DISCUSSING. THESE TWO HAVE TO BEAT THE HOTTEST GRANDEES SINCE THAT -- GRANNY'S. SHE WAS WILD. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT WEEKEND IN RENO. BINGO, SLOT MACHINES, INTERCOURSE. SORRY. THINK ABOUT THE CONTRAST BETWEEN REPUBLICAN GRANNIES AND LIBERAL ONES. ON THE RIGHT YOU HAVE GOT HIM, AND MORE FUN THAN BLACKFACE JUGGLING DOUGHNUTS ON A UNICYCLE. OVER ON THE LEFT THE GRANNIES TEND TO LOOK MORE LIKE THIS... I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I HATE WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER PEES STANDING UP. ANYWAY, AND TEMPER LAST WEEK BO BERT A SITTING U.S. CONGRESSWOMAN SHOWED DOE SITTING SKILLS BY SITTING AND THE AUDIENCE OF A PERFORMANCE OF BEETLEJUICE. IT WAS ABOUT THE LIFE AND TIMES OF LORI LIGHTFOOT. LIKE A BEETLEJUICE IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES HE WILL SUMMON SOME -- SHE VAPED AND TALKED TOO MUCH THROUGHOUT THE PERFORMANCE, TOO MUCH FOR THE MANAGEMENT LIKING. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BATHE AND TALK IN THE THEATER? TELL THAT TO THE AUDIENCE AT A TYLER PERRY MOVIE. BO BERT AND HER DATE GOT A LITTLE TOUCHY FEELING, AND THEN WERE ASKED TO LEAVE. WE HAD A NEW FILM AND ESPECIALLY WHEN HE MOVED HIS HANDS BACK INTO THE LEFT. I KNEW DATE WHEN I GET THAT PRODUCER. THEY WERE NOT GOING TO GET IT. LAST TIME I EVER LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. THE MEDIA ACT AS IF IT WAS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN THE THEATER SINCE THE LINCOLN ASSASSINATION SHOWED YOU THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO VISIT THE CONCESSION STAND TO GRAB SOME WHOPPERS. BO BERT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF FUN IT, EVEN IF SHE SHOULD STICK TO MUSICALS. [LAUGHTER] MEGHAN McCAIN TWEETED THAT BO BERT IS TRASH ADDING WHAT ALL THE LIBERALS ARE SAYING THAT CHILDREN IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN NEARBY AND THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE. AFTER ALL, NO ONE ATTENDS MUSICAL THEATER AND EXPECT TO SEE A MAN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN. [LAUGHTER] YEAH... THAT POSSIBILITY IS TRUE ANYWHERE YOU MIGHT HOOK UP. NOT ALL OF US ARE LIKE HUNTER AND GET DADDY TO PAY FOR ROOMS. HAS SINCE APOLOGIZED SO SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR CHRISTIE KNOWN WAS NEXT ON THE HIT LIST. OUR DATING IS A MATTER OF INTERNATIONAL SIGNIFICANCE. AFTER ALL SOUTH DAKOTA IS A STATE KNOWN FOR DRILLING. [LAUGHTER] EVEN I ADMIT THIS IS AN AMAZING STORY, IT IS. AND TRUE, HOW LEWANDOWSKI MANAGED AS THIS ONE. MIT RESEARCH TEAM SHOULD LOOK INTO THIS ONE. IT IS TRUE. NO OFFENSE. IT IS WEIRD CONSIDERING OBAMA'S LETTERS ADMITTING THAT HE FANTASIZED ABOUT MEN WERE ALL BUT IGNORED BY THE PRESS. HOW ABOUT THE LIBERAL MEDIA TREATS HUNTER. HERE'S THE CLIFFSNOTES VERSION. JUST WRONG TO GO AFTER HUNTER AS DADDY LOVES HIM SO MUCH, AND HE IS IN RECOVERY, RIGHT. ONLY HIRED THOSE TO GIVE JOE'S A WAX JOB. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE PERVS. PARTY THAT WANTS YOUR SON TO BE FROM KING, AND YOUR DAUGHTER WAYNE. WAY BETTER IN A PARTY DRESSED IN THIS GUY. THE THE POINT ALL OF THOSE ON THE RIGHT TO COMMUNICATE WELL WHO MIGHT HAVE SOME INFLUENCE ARE BEING TARGETED. JOE ROGAN, RUSSIAN AGENT, TUCKER CARLSON, EVEN RFK JR. JUST FOR BEING A MODERATE. BIGGEST GAIN OF ALL IS A GREAT ORANGE BUFFALO DROPPED HIMSELF. BIG GAME HUNTERS HAVING SEASON PROSECUTORS TO TRY TO BACK HIM. I WONDER ABOUT JAIL TIME, I THINK HE DOES NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. >> I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. FELT A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE I HAD PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AND SAY HOW DO YOU DO IT, SIR, HOW DO YOU DO IT. I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. >> Greg: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN A STRATEGY. BEING UNABLE TO THINK HAS WORKED WONDERS FOR DEMOCRATS. FOR LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW YOU MAY HAVE REALIZED THAT EVERYONE BEING HUNTED BY THE MEDIA HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON... BO BERT, TRUMPET, THEY WERE ALL GUESTS ON "GUTFELD!," WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IS THAT WHY SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET ON THE SHOW. CARROT TOP TURNS US DOWN CONSTANTLY. CARROT TOP! AND EASTWOOD TWO FOR REAL. EVEN A TOUGH GUY LIKE JOHN WAYNE WILL NOT DO ART SHOW. LEAST CAN DO IS RETURN OUR CALLS. DENNIS IS WORTH ASKING ONE TANK. THE STRATEGY OF TARGETING ACTUALLY WORK. WHO KNOWS. IF MY RATINGS GET ANY HIGHER THEY WILL SAY THAT I KILLED MOTHER TERESA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S THE GUESTS. NO ONE CAN WRITE SITCOMS LIKE HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE ON STRIKE. TV WRITER AND PRODUCER ROB LONG. HER MOUTH SHUT DOWN TWICE A DAY BECAUSE OF OVERHEATING, HOST OF THE TRUE FOX CRIME PODCAST EMILY COMPAGNO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HE TEACHES CREATIVE WRITING SO MAYBE HE CAN SAVE TONIGHT'S SHOW COMEDIAN AND AUTHOR UP THAT JOKE IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE, LOU PEREZ. FINALLY, NEVER BEEN USED AS A A BEFORE MODEL "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING AUTHOR AND FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU ROB LONG. >> STOP RIGHT THERE. >> Greg: IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE A GUEST STAR ON THE LOVE BOAT, RIGHT. >> I WALK UP AND HE IS TELLING HIM WHO I AM. >> Greg: YOU PLAY A RECENTLY WIDOWED MYSTERY AUTHOR AND A HOOK UP WITH A WIDOW WERE FLORENCE HENDERSON. >> INTERNATIONAL JEWEL PIECE. >> Greg: EXACTLY. WHO PLACED THE BARTENDER RUSTLES YOU TO THE GROUND. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS WITH THE GREEN ROOM. WHY IS IT THAT REPUBLICAN GRANNIES ARE HOTTER THAN LIBERAL LEFT WING GRANNIES. WE WILL TALKING ABOUT THIS AT LENGTH. IT IS A TREND THAT I HAVE NOTICED. LIKE ALL REPUBLICAN CONSERVATIVE WOMEN ARE JUST HOTTER WHEN THEY'RE OLDER, BECAUSE THEY WERE HOTTER WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER. SPEAK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. I WAS JUST SURPRISED THAT HE WAS A GRANDMOTHER. >> Sean: SHE >> FOR A LOT OF REPUBLICAN WOMEN THEY ACTIVITY CAME LATE AND YOUR LIFE. THEY HAD A CAREER, THEY DID A LOT OF STUFF, CAME TO IT AND HE WAS A CITIZEN ACTIVIST. NOT A FAN OF THESE PEOPLE, THEY CAME FROM SOMETHING FROM THE REAL WORLD. IN THE REAL WORLD YOU KIND OF LOOK YOUR BEST. >> Greg: THAT IS A REALLY GOOD POINT, I'M SURPRISED THAT YOU CAME UP WITH THAT. NORMALLY, YOU DON'T. YOUR FIRST ANSWER MEANDERS A LITTLE BIT. YOU THINK SHE IS GETTING A BAD BREAK WITH WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT THEATER. >> IF YOU ARE TO KIND OF PERSON WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE THEATER AND VAPE AND GET FRISKY WITH YOUR DATE IT IS BEST TO NOT TALK ABOUT SOME WHO IS MORAL, WHO SHOULD GO TO CHURCH, AND WHO SHOULDN'T. >> Greg: WHICH MAN SAID YEAH, WHO SAID THAT? >> BEST NOT TO BRING IT UP. NOT NECESSARY THINGS FOR AMERICAN POLICIES. BE A CONSERVATIVE AND NOT TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH MORE. >> Greg: I THINK YOU'RE WRONG AND I WOULD TELL YOU WHY. EVERY PLACE THAT YOU HOOK UP THERE IS A POTENTIAL FOR CHILDREN AROUND. THAT IS YOUR KINK, NOBODY ELSE. GETS REAL. >> Greg: ANY THEORY ON GRANNY HOTNESS TO WHAT DOES COREY LEWANDOWSKI HAVE AND DO NOT USE YOUR HANDS. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT PART, BUT I DO THINK, AND ICY TRUTHS IN BOTH. I SEE TRUTH WHAT IS CLEARLY A KILL THE BEAST FROM THE LEFT. HOWEVER, YOU CAN ARGUE THAT THE POINT OF PUBLIC VICTORIES ACADEMIC FIGURES IS THAT SHE IS ACTING IN HER CAPACITY THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU ARE NEVER OFF. I WAS REPRESENTING WHO YOU ARE WORKING FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A JOB LIKE THAT. WHEN YOU DO ANYTHING AND A PUBLIC PLACE WE ALL HAVE TO KNOW THAT OF COURSE IT IS BEING FILMED, THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. HER APOLOGIES WERE VERY WELL WORDED. UNFORTUNATE THAT SHE HAD TO WALK BACK SOME OF HER INITIAL DENIALS. I THINK THAT HER CONSISTENCY AND FOLLOWERS ARE VERY LOYAL TO HER. I SEE A MISTAKE AS A ROOKIE MISTAKE. WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS BEING FILMED IN PUBLIC PLACES. IF YOU WANT TO GET HOT AND STEAMY THEN. THAT IS A PUBLIC A FELONY. >> Greg: BOYFRIEND IS A DEMOCRAT WHO OWNS A GAY BAR. SHE'S QUITE TOLERANT, LOU. NINE ISSUE IF THEY ARE. TRUE, RIGHT? >> I HAVE A 2-YEAR-OLD AND A 3-YEAR-OLD. ANY TIME WE ARE GETTING IT ON KIDS NEARBY WAITING TO RUIN THE MOMENT FOR US. YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE. BEETLEJUICE UP THERE, INCREDIBLE CINEMATIC, THEATRICAL THING AND THEN THE LIGHTS ARE DOWN END. QUITE FRANKLY, I AM A GENTLEMAN, AND I THINK THAT THE MAN SHOULD HAVE DONE ALL OF THE APOLOGIZING BECAUSE HE WAS DOING ALL OF THE WORK. >> Greg: DON'T YOU THINK -- OKAY, HERE'S A THEORY. A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WERE JUST, DON'T LIKE SEEING PEOPLE WHO CANNOT KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST. THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS BEEN, THIRD DECADE, AND GET OUT OF MY FACE. IT IS FRESH. >> 100%. [LAUGHTER] >> Greg: I CANNOT WATCH R-RATED FILMS. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LET ME DIE HERE, AREN'T YOU? >> ARE WE BEING FILMED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY FETISH IS WATCHING HIM DIE. WE ARE GETTING THAT RIGHT NOW. [LAUGHTER] >> EVERY NIGHT IS A BIG NIGHT FOR YOU. JUST KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM GREG. >> Greg: YOU ARE AWFUL. YOU ARE TRYING TO POINT OUT THE HYPOCRISY, BUT WHAT IS SO HYPOCRITICAL ABOUT WHAT BOWE BERGDAHL DID. YOU HAVE MADE OUT AND THEATERS. >> I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL. I THINK THAT, I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY DOES IN THEIR PERSONAL LIFE, BUT CARES WHAT DO AND THEIR PERSONAL LIFE. >> Greg: NONPUBLIC EDUCATION. OF COURSE. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> Greg: ENGAGING IN CONVERSATION. SPEAK TO >> GOING ON AND ON ABOUT GROOMING THEM WHEN SHE IS DOING FOR PLATE WHEN THEIR KIDS AROUND. I GRIEVE THAT. THERE'S ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT IT WHICH IS IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO. MAKE SENSE WHEN ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE SO SEXUAL BECAUSE LOOKOUT SHE FINDS BEETLEJUICE THE MUSICAL. ARE GOING TO RUN OUT OF MOVIES FOR MUSICALS. YOU'RE REALLY SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL IF YOU'RE DOING BEETLEJUICE. >> SEEMS LIKE SHE LOVED IT. >> Greg: HAVE GOT TO DO TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE THE MUSICAL. >> PROBABLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. >> Greg: LEATHERFACE! >> REASON YOU ARE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE IN NO DANGER OF THINGS HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO DISCERNIBL
