-Ladies and gentlemen,
Ricky Gervais. -Hello.
Hello, and welcome to the 67th annual
Golden Globe Awards, live from Los Angeles. I'm Ricky Gervais.
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] You probably know me as
the creator of "The Office." No, you don't, do you? You think Steve Carell did it.
Oh, oh! He's brilliant, isn't he,
Steve Carell? He's amazing as
the bumbling office manager. Where does he get
his ideas from? [ Laughter ] Let's pay -- Let's pay him hundreds
of millions of dollars and put him in every movie. If you can't be bothered
to go to the cinema to see Steve in action, then just watch him
every Thursday here on NBC. [ Cheers and applause ] Or if you think that particular
version of the show has jumped the shark
a little bit... that's what some of the forums
are saying -- then watch the original
Fridays on Adult Swim. [ Laughter ] Or get the box set.
That's still available. So, um... just -- just 12 episodes
and a special. Quality, not quantity,
that's what counts. I -- So go and get that. I will be making the most
of this opportunity. I'm not used to these
sort of viewing figures. Let's face it, nor is NBC. So... [ Laughter ] On a serious note, just looking
at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great
work that's been done this year by cosmetic surgeons. [ Laughter ] You all look great. I've had a little bit
of work done. I've had cheek implants. They put them there,
which is annoying. [ Laughter ] And I've had a penis reduction. [ Laughter ] Just got the one now. That's enough. [ Laughter ] And it is very tiny.
[ Clears throat ] But so are my hands, so when I'm
holding it, it looks pretty big. [ Laughter ] And let's face it,
I usually am holding it. I wish I was doing that now
instead of this, to be honest. But let's -- It is an honor to be here in
a room full of what I consider to be the most important people
on the planet -- actors. They're just better than
ordinary people, aren't they? No, we all know that. Imagine a world without actors. Oh, God, it doesn't
bear thinking about. Imagine if they ever
went on strike. Oh, what would we do?
You couldn't replace them. You couldn't replace them
with any other profession -- lawyers or doctors. Can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Laurie does
in "House"? It would be pathetic. He'd be all over the place,
be going, "Oh, where do I stand? How's my American accent?
What's my lines?" You know, Hugh, with the aid
of coaches and stuff, can eventually learn his lines
while saving lives. He's a genius. How could you replace
Kiefer Sutherland in "24"? I'd love to see a real
anti-terrorist agent try and defuse a bomb in a busy
train station in one hour. Some of those scenes,
by the way, where Kiefer grabs someone
and beats them to a pulp, they weren't even in the script. [ Laughter ] The director just said,
"Keep rolling. We'll work it into the --" But actors aren't just loved
here in Hollywood. They are loved the world over
because they're recognizable. You can be anywhere. You could be in the third world,
okay, and you get a glimpse
of a Hollywood star, and it makes you feel better,
okay? You could be a little child,
a little Asian child with no possessions
and no money, but you see a picture
of Angelina Jolie, and you think, "Mummy." [ Laughter ] Ohh. Thank you. Let's get on with it before
NBC replace me with Jay Leno. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Thank you. Hello. And -- Hello. Welcome to the 68th annual
Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton
hotel in Los Angeles. It's gonna be a night
of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it,
breakfast. [ Laughter ] Wow, whoa.
So let's get this straight. What he did was he picked up
a "porn star," paid her to have dinner
with him, introduced her to his ex-wife,
as you do... [ Laughter ] ...went to a hotel, got drunk,
got naked, trashed the place while she was locked
in a cupboard. And that was a Monday. What did he do New Year's Eve? Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes
is a celebration of the best in TV and movies
over the last year, voted for by the Hollywood
Foreign Press Association. It was a big year
for 3-D movies -- "Toy Story," "Despicable Me,"
"Tron." Seems like everything this year
was three-dimensional. Except the characters
in "The Tourist." I-I feel bad about that joke. No, no, I'll tell you what. I'm jumping on the bandwagon 'cause I haven't even seen
"The Tourist." Who has? But, no, it must be good
'cause it's nominated. So shut up, okay? And I'd like to quash this
ridiculous rumor going 'round that the only reason
"The Tourist" was nominated was so
the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp
and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish. That is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes. Let's --
[ Laughter ] [ Scattered
cheers and applause ] No. All that happened
was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe?
Really? "Do you want to go
and see Cher?" "No." "Why not?" "'Cause it's not 1975." [ Laughter ] There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated
this year. Nothing for
"Sex and the City 2." No, I was sure the Golden Globe
for special effects would go to the team
that airbrushed that poster. [ Laughter ] Great job.
Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode
of "Bonanza," for Christ's sake. Also not nominated --
"I Love You Phillip Morris." Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor,
two heterosexual actors, pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some
famous Scientologists, then. [ Crowd groans ] What? Probably. My lawyers helped me with
the wording of that joke. [ Laughter ] They're not here. Okay. There's been some great
new TV drama this year, like "Boardwalk Empire"
and "The Walking Dead." So, yeah. [ Applause ] Talking of "The Walking Dead,"
congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who -- who's... getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty
Crystal Harris. When she was asked why
she was marrying him, she said, "'Cause he lied
about his age. He told me he was 94." Oh, come on. [ Laughter ] Don't worry.
Hold out. And just don't look at it
when you touch it. [ Laughter ] I warned him. One of the biggest events
in TV this year was the finale of "Lost,"
one of my favorites. And all the questions
were answered. Yeah. I have to say, though, it was
quite a complicated finale. I'm not sure I totally
understood it all. But from what I can make out, I'm pretty sure
the fat one ate them all. [ Laughter ] I think --
[ Drumroll ] Should we get on with it? -So, where was I? [ Laughter ] Nervous? Don't be.
This isn't about you. Right. Hello. I'm Ricky Gervais, and welcome to the 69th
annual Golden Globe Awards live from
the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign
Press Association. Tonight, you get
Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the world's
second biggest awards show on America's third
biggest network. Sorry, is it -- Fourth? It's fourth. For any of you who don't know, the Golden Globes
are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem. The Golden Globes
are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian
is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a
bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly.
Nothing's been proved. But who needs the Oscars? Not me.
And not Eddie Murphy. He walked out on them. He said no and good for him. But when the man
who said yes to "Norbit" says no to you... you know you're in trouble. I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up,
doesn't he. Versatile.
He's versatile. No, he is. Bit of trivia for you. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler,
between them, played all the parts
in the movie "The Help." Isn't that brilliant. They were brilliant. I cant believe they're not here. Or maybe they are.
They're masters of disguise. They could be.
[ Clears throat ] Now the Hollywood Foreign Press
have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them
or offend any viewers or cause any controversy
whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me
back next year, as well. [ Laughter ] They actually gave me
a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them,
but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, okay? No profanity. That's fine.
I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that's a shame
'cause I've got a huge... vocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. It's true. Doesn't matter.
I don't care. It works.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
It's fine. I don't --
I don't -- No smut or innuendo. And I'm not to libel anyone. [ Chuckles ] And I must not
mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life,
his politics, his recent films, and especially not
Jodie Foster's "Beaver." Um... I haven't seen it myself. [ Laughter ] I spoken to a lot of guys here,
they haven't seen it either. But that doesn't mean
it's not any good. Sorry... [ Laughs ] I don't care. It's been an amazing year
in show business. It's not all been good news. What's with all the divorces?
What's going on? I mean, Arnold and Maria, J-Lo and Mark Anthony,
Ashton and Demi, Kim Kardashian and some guy
no one will remember. He wasn't around long.
72 days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron
acceptance speeches than that. Other celebrity scandals -- Justin Bieber nearly had to take
a paternity test. [ Snorts ] What a waste of
a test that would have been. No. He's not the father. The only way that he could
have impregnated a girl was if he borrow
one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters. Open wide. It's been a big year
for women in film. "Bridesmaids" --
one of my favorite comedies of the year, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] The girls finally proved that they can be
as raunchy as men -- Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I actually heard for research, the cast spent the weekend
with Dame Helen Mirren. She's dreadful. Honestly, you don't
see a lot of it 'cause she's got good PR, but she's off the rails. But the Golden Globes
aren't just about movies. It also celebrated
the best in TV, as well. New shows like the amazing
"Homeland," which is just --
It's amazing. And returning shows,
like "Boardwalk Empire." I love that show.
It's great. For those who don't know, it's about a load of immigrants who came to America
about 100 years ago, and they got involved
in bribery and corruption, and they worked their way up
into high society. But enough about
the Hollywood Foreign Press. [ Laughter ] I'm joking.
I love 'em. And they're good sports
for inviting me back. And what I didn't know --
they do an awful lot for charity and their
a non-profit organization. Just like NBC. So, thank -- [ Laughter ] Should we get on with it? ♪♪♪ Shut up! You disgusting, pill-popping,
sexual-deviant scum. I want to do this monologue
and then go into hiding, okay? Not even Sean Penn will find me. [ Laughter ] Snitch. [ Clears throat ] Hello, and welcome to the 73rd
annual Golden Globe Awards, live...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...from
the Beverly Hilton Hotel. With all these rich,
beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives, let's hope no one spoils that. Yeah. Relax. I'm gonna try and be nice. You're global megastars
with amazing talent -- most of you. A few of you just married well. [ Laughs ] You know who you are. We all do.
We all do. We're live on NBC, and it's right that NBC
host this awards show because they're the only network who are truly fair
and impartial, and that's because
they're the only network with zero nominations. So... Nothing in it for them tonight.
They don't care who -- They don't care, obviously. But as I say,
I'm gonna be nice tonight. I've changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner,
obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she's had! She became a role model
for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery
in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot
for women drivers. But... [ Laughter ] ...you can't have everything,
can you? Not at the same time. Anyway, so I am gonna
be nice tonight, and I'll tell you why -- The president
of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me that if I say
anything offensive or crass, or resort to innuendo, he's gonna come out here
and personally pull me off. So, that's an offer
I couldn't refuse. Yes, yes.
That is the level. An old man pulling me off. [ Laughter ] Again. One Hollywood publication
said that me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance
of winning a Golden Globe, particularly
if their film company has already paid for it. [ Light laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] So, what's happened
this last year in this crazy business
we call show? The excellent "Spotlight"
has been nominated. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] The Catholic Church
are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that
5% of all their priests have repeatedly
molested children and been allowed to continue
to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever. [ Laughter ] What? Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay
for women in Hollywood, and she received, yeah,
overwhelming support from... people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers
saying, 'How the hell can a 25-year-old
live on 52 million?' This is... There were plumbers
around the world going, "Poor girl earns how much? Hell. But all joking aside... of course women should be paid the same as men
for doing the same job, and I'd like to say now
that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy
did last year for hosting th-- Now, I know there
was two of them, but it's not my fault if they
want to share the money, is it? [ Laughter ] That's their stupid fault. [ Chuckles ] It's funny cause it's true. [ Laughter ] The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed "The Martian" a comedy and even nominated it. And hence,
Matt Damon is here tonight, so that worked a treat,
didn't it? [ Cheers and applause ] To be fair, "The Martian"
was a lot funnier than "Pixels." But... then again,
so was "Schindler's List." It's just a film. [ Audience groans ]
[ Laughs ] All-female remakes
are the big thing. There's a female remake
of "Ghostbusters," there's gonna be a female remake
of "Ocean's Eleven." And this is brilliant
for the studios, 'cause they get guaranteed
box-office results, and they don't have to spend
too much money on the cast. So... Shut up.
I don't care. [ Chuckles ] Listen... If you do win tonight,
remember that no one cares about that award
as much as you do. Okay? [ Laughter ] Don't get emotional --
it's embarrassing, okay? That award is... no offense, worthless. [ Laughter ] It's a bit of metal
that some nice, old, confused journalists
wanted to give you in person so they could meet you
and have a selfie with you. Okay? That's all it is. I've got three. I've got three Golden Globes,
myself, so I can say -- One's a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with, and one I keep by the bed to --
doesn't matter why. It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! I won it fair and square. It's just the right
shape and size. It's nothing... [ Laughter ] Yeah, so to be clear, that was a joke about me
shoving Golden Globes -- that I've won -- up my ass. [ Laughter ] And they asked me to host
four times! [ Laughter ]
I was just currently going through all of the years he hosted and cutting out his parts, monologue and inbetween bits to save for my collection.
A few things I noticed:
His attitude after he did more of them and how it changed over them. It’s a funny devolution. Same general themes, but could be his age or otherwise starting to play into it.
How these did not age well, not about gervais exactly, but couples for one... and so much Weinstein love and a lot of felicity huffman early on. It’s funny how many of his jokes in the latest monologue were about people that played big parts in previous monologues and how the mighty have fallen.
Also, not sure it is indicative of anything, but he appears to have less on stage time each year. They ask him back, so I can only assume it isn’t anything to do with Ricky exactly and more just formatting and flow changes. If I remember the first year was over 20 and it dropped to around 13 the next two. I haven’t finished yet, but I’ll be interested to see where it ends up.
Anyway, thanks for the link. Much cleaner editing than I’ll end up with I’m sure, but I do want to still move forward since I like some of the inbetween bits and the couple times he speaks at the end.
Still thinking days later less about his monologue than about the people in another recent Gervais thread (maybe the first time his Globes monologue was posted).
Some folks were accusing Hanks, of all people, of being a phoney lol I guess because he wasn’t laughing at Gervais’ jokes all the time? People were like “yeah he’s probably secretly an asshole”
Had never seen anyone say anything negative about Hanks and suddenly there was this little gathering of up voted hate from multiple users. I mean...Hanks?! What?