Gastor Almonte - Brooklyn Batman - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

they just started High fiveing each other talking mad for me like yo my little cousin got balls my little cousin's a g my cousin ain't scared of nobody Brooklyn got the Batman now the baby's coming it's [Music] [Applause] coming [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] w a host of his own podcast called Stoops the stages please give it up for gastor miti everybody let him he so I'm from East New York you know and and when you grow up in East New York you tend to have a bit of a edge to you you know um as an example of that uh this past Thanksgiving you know my uncle came up to me he's like yo gasta you know your father once stabed somebody over Snapple and then he just walked away like you know that's how you end conversations there's no more details I want to that apparently people die with fruit punch all the time but it occurred to me that my father just never wanted me to know that side of him you know he was trying real hard to protect me and he came up with this plan he decided you know what I'm going to buy a house with my sister I'mma buy an next door to my other sister you know we could Shield him from the neighborhood and it was smart you know I have my mom my dad my aunt upstairs is my all next door and together they could kind of keep me from the hoodlums in the area you know protect me but the problem was is that my cousins that lived upstairs and next door they were the hoodlums in the area you know I was I was 5 years old my cousin Mito is 14 lived upstairs my cousin Carlos is 15 next door you know and it was a challenge because they were cold as like Teenage drug dealers are amazing you got to understand every day I'm going to school these dudes teenage drug dealers are real prot treny they don't care about schedules they don't do unless they want to you know so I'm seeing this every day and I wanted to take part but I couldn't cuz caros Ando got into this real shitty habit you know of scaring the out of me all the time you know they had this like pale white face face mask with green hair look like the Joker and they used to put it on and hop up from behind walls and scream in my face wasn't cool I don't appreciate laughing at that man they did this relentlessly they would screaming my face I'd run inside crying my mom would hug me she'd tell my dad my dad would go outside he'd scream at them to cut the and they' leave me alone for a couple weeks we had a system and this went on for like a year you know and I was okay with that but the problem is you know I was about to turn six week of my birthday lands during Halloween week you know and my father believed two things he said one I'm 6 years old he thought that I should be able to handle these things on my own and two they were 15 to 16 years old at this point they're still young enough where they could get away with wearing mask so in the week where I should be thrilled I'm getting older I'm scared cuz my dad gave these two gangsters cart blanch to scare the out of me oh God damn weak ain't cool despite that I woke up in a good mood my mom made pancakes crushing it in school too my 2 plus two game is crazy nobody was seeing me I felt good was dressed up I walk out the apartment door got to the front door of the building you know and meito was opening the door for me cuz he lived upstairs you know got up early to cheer me up he said happy birthday little man I said yo you be being strangely polite to Leo I don't know what brought about this but keep it up I like it and I walked out the door cheery as and Carlos jumps out from the side got the mask on screens on my face he's like bold I'm like oh and I run inside screaming and I hear the door closed and he laugh in the background happy birthday I get inside my mom hugs me my dad walks in from my side he was waiting in the car and he's like what happened I'm like Carlos and meito they scared me and he's like yo man up handle your business right it sound like solid advice but that's what he said about everything you know say yo Pops how the time I shoot man up in handle your business it was a gangster with one proverb you know and I'm like yo Pops I need your help here man he's like what happened I'm like caros Ando they scared me how do they scare you Gast though they scared me with the mask what kind of mask is it it's a joker mask pops you not paying attention to what's happening in these streets I need your help out here my G it's real he's like calm down gastar who's the Joker scared of I said Batman pops so he said why don't you be Batman I said that's a good idea and I believe that in my heart he gave my mom some cash we went to City Line for those you non New Yorker City Line is the border of Brooklyn and Queens it's a nice shopping area now but back then it was a foot lock and a bunch of 99 Cent Stores you know and we went out there to buy a costume you know I'm I got kids I spent $65 this year on my son's costume so you could be Captain America it's I told my wife I'm spending $65 he better be Captain America for graduation New Year's Day I want to see this in rotation this is not what I got though I got a plastic mask it had a white rubber band it went around lips was white so I look like I'll buy no Batman all year you know but I pulled that off I was proud you know next day I woke up I walked outside and they scared me and I ain't going to front still ran inside crying my mom grabbed me she said Gast St hold up baby stick to the plan I said you right Mom y'all crushing this parenting thing by the way go keep that up man and I went to my room I put the mask on and I started taking off my clothes CU I had the Batman underwear you know had the full Ensemble but I turned them around cuz the logo was on the ass part I want them to know I meant business you know you got to see it coming so I went to the in front of the building you know and I open the door call some meito was chatting with they boys I did the you know superhero pose and y' I'm Batman and I ain't scared of you no more and they just started laughing which was fine cuz I could see Migo's face but caros still had the Joker mask on and I don't know if you seen the movies when Joker laughs some real shit's about to go down it occurred to me I hadn't thought through this plan but they just started high-fiving each other talking mad for me they like yo my little cousin got balls my little cousins a g my cousin ain't scared of nobody Brooklyn got the on Batman now that felt great man I got cocky as I was in the gang now I'm in I went to school talking mad that day told all my classmates hey yo listen some go down don't worry about it I got you covered I can't explain cuz I got to take off my clothes but trust me it's under control you know now what I didn't realize is when you tell this plan to to your cousins every time they were bored which apparently is all the time for Teenage drug dealers they will come up with wild for me to solve they like yo yo my pet rockweiler got stuck in the aband the building go get Brooklyn Batman Yo Miss Brown she's hallucinating again get Brooklyn Batman yo the competing drug dealers they on our block man get Brooklyn Batman I ain't solve that last one but I was entertaining enough for them to end it amicably point being is I was effective you know but this went on for a while my rep was now starting to get out there I was sitting in class my last name's alonte it starts with a ace I always had that front seat by the door and the kids would walk by the door and I would hear them one kid was like yo that's that kid that think he Batman and the other kid would jump in no that kid is Batman you know was real out there but this is stressful they don't tell you this you got to be Batman all the time he don't get no days off like ever I got to do I'm in school be 3+ 3 is next week like this is hard be I'm stressed I told my dad's yo Pops I can't be Batman no more man it's just too much work I need something easy like you got with this parenting thing and he's like listen gas store you got over your feed mego and Carlos leaving you alone you can put the mask way it's not that serious and that's what I did I retired The Mask I stopped being Batman and that should have been the end of it right but superhero's life is never easy now it's 15 my dad bought a few more houses you know we we moved away but we decided to go back to visit my aunts to lived upstairs Carlos has gone to jail Meo moved down south to avoid some problems I can't get into that here but he decided to come up to visit little family occasion and I go up to mangito like yo mangito not for nothing but why would you keep scaring the out of me with this damn mask all the time and he's like yo that wasn't even an idea that was your dad excuse me he said yeah he came up to us when we when he bought the house and he was like listen I don't care if y'all are hustling in front of my house just make sure my son never want to hang out with you guys and they interpreted that as let's scare the out of this little kid every day and I talked to my dad about I like yo Pops is true you scaring me on purpose he's like yeah but it worked right and I learned two things I learned One turns out wasn't even a joker mask it was a Beetlejuice mask I'm not scared of the joker I'm scared of Tim Burton movies you know I found out recently it's the same dude playing both characters I was Michael ke and fight fting Michael [Applause] Keon but the second thing I realized this whole time I was trying to be Batman my dad is Batman he didn't want any of the credit he just wanted to get done he wanted it solved that was beautiful to me you know and now as an adult you know we we work together a lot we have a good relationship about a month back he came over to my house apparently uh one of my tenants they had a break in um and this is the building that I live in so he went over before I did I was at work he went to console my wife told her about what we were going to do to you know fortify the home make her feel comfortable and I get home and he's like yo gastor come over here for a second and we walk into my daughter's room to get some privacy and he's like yo when when the robbers came in why ain't you or your wife get the ratchet I'm like yo pop I'm not a rapper I don't know what the ratchet is man and then he just casually walked over to the wall he banged the window pain and the machete came out then he went over to the heater went reached underneath and he pulled out a gun the ratchet gastor I said yo pop it's my house you got had a gun in my house and he's like Gast I keep a gun in every house I'm like but this is my daughter's room and he's like I know you're welcome this whole time I wanted to be Batman it turns out I'm Alfred and I felt real touch that Batman finally decided to reveal himself to me thank you

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 3,312,286

Keywords: This Is Not Happening, watch This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir, Gastor Almonte, Gastor Almonte comedian, Gastor Almonte standup, Brooklyn, Batman, Joker, family, uncensored, travel stories, adventure stories, stand up comedy, stand up comedians, funny video, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, hilarious videos, hilarious clips, best stand up comedy, watch stand up comedy, comedian, funniest stand up comedians, stand up comic, top comedians, best comedians

Id: 5F3-EhBbeDs

Length: 14min 17sec (857 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 18 2017