WE WANT THEM, WE FEAR THEM, AND MOST OF US TRY TO FIGURE THEM OUT. THIS IS THE STORY OF MALORIE BAILEY-MASSIE, ALSO KNOWN AS MAL FROM "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA." I'M HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE WITH MY HUSBAND OF 12 YEARS. Iyanla: WHEN MALORIE WAS 35, SHE MARRIED 27-YEAR-OLD BASKETBALL PLAYER CHRIS MASSIE AFTER DATING HIM FOR ONLY 2 MONTHS. I WAS IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. I WAS VERY ATTRACTED TO HIM. HE WAS PERFECT, YOU KNOW? I AIN'T GONNA SAY PERFECT, BUT CLOSE. Iyanla: BUT AFTER 12 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, MALORIE AND CHRIS HAVE SPLIT UP AND THEY HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN MONTHS. I'M REALLY UPSET BECAUSE 12 YEARS AND YOU CAN'T CALL? I NEED CLOSURE. Iyanla: LOST IN PAIN AND CONFUSION, MALORIE IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NOW THAT HER MARRIAGE HAS FALLEN APART. Malorie: HE CUT EVERYBODY OFF, NOT JUST ME. MY DAUGHTER'S HURT. WE GOT MARRIED WHEN... I THINK SHE WAS 11 YEARS OLD. SO I'M ANGRY. I'M EMBARRASSED. EVERYTHING IS UNRESOLVED. Iyanla: THIS IS A STORY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GO INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE KNOWING VERY LITTLE ABOUT OURSELVES. I AM IYANLA VANZANT, AND I AM HERE TO HELP YOU DO YOUR WORK. -- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS [ DOORBELL RINGS ] -GOOD MORNING! -Malorie: HI! -HOW ARE YOU? -HOW ARE YOU? GOOD. THANK YOU. FINE. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. MM, YOU TOO. WELL, ONE THING I WILL WANT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE IS TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE. HOW DO I FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS? I NEED CLOSURE. WHY ARE YOU HERE? WELL, I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS. -UH-HUH. -AND I MET MY HUSBAND, AND WE GOT MARRIED WITHIN 2 1/2 MONTHS OF DATING. HE HAD THE POTENTIAL OF BEING THE TYPE OF GUY THAT I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR. I MEAN -- "THE POTENTIAL"? YOU KNOW WHAT POTENTIAL MEANS? HOW DO YOU DEFINE POTENTIAL? -ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE. -AH, YOU'RE RIGHT. POTENTIAL MEANS, YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING NOW. [ CHUCKLES ] AND THE ONLY THING YOU CAN BANK ON IS WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW. YOU CAN'T BANK ON WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. HE MADE ME LAUGH. HE WAS FUNNY. HE WAS GORGEOUS. I WAS VERY ATTRACTED TO HIM. SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST MARRY HIM FOR THAT INSTEAD OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN? WELL, I THOUGHT I CAN -- WE CAN JUST FIX. WE CAN WORK ON IT TOGETHER AND JUST FIX. YOU KNOW, I CAN FIX WHAT HE NEEDED TO BE FIXED, AND IF I HAD ANYTHING... BUT WHO SAID HE WANTED TO BE FIXED? THAT'S WHERE I MADE MY MISTAKE. THERE'S A FEW THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT HIM WHEN I FIRST MARRIED HIM, BUT I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HIM. Iyanla: MANY WOMEN CONVINCE THEMSELVES THAT THEY CAN CHANGE A MAN TO BECOME WHO THEY WANT HIM TO BE. BY DOING SO, THEY BYPASS THE STEP OF GETTING TO KNOW THEIR PARTNER IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, IN PART BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T MADE THE EFFORT TO GET TO KNOW THEMSELVES, AND I SUSPECT THIS IS THE CASE WITH MISS MALORIE. IT'S A COMMON MISTAKE THAT WOMEN MAKE. THEY MANIPULATE MEN. BUT THAT'S A CLEAR SIGN OF A CONTROLLING PERSON, AND IT'S A CLEAR SIGN OF A PROBLEM RELATIONSHIP. SO WHAT IS THE STATE OF YOUR MARRIAGE NOW? I DON'T KNOW. -YOU DON'T KNOW? -I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM. WE GOT INTO A ARGUMENT. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR HUSBAND? FIVE MONTHS AGO. HOW ABOUT, THE MARRIAGE IS OVER? I MEAN, HE NEVER -- HE WON'T RESPOND. HE'S RESPONDED TO ME A COUPLE TIMES THROUGH E-MAIL. EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID... IS ABOUT HIM. YOU HAVEN'T SAID NOTHING ABOUT YOU. WHAT'S YOUR CHOICE AS A WOMAN? WHAT'S YOUR POSITION AS A WOMAN? WHAT'S YOUR DESIRE AS A WOMAN? I FILED FOR THE DIVORCE. SO THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE? I'M HERE BECAUSE MY HUSBAND AND I, WE LOVE EACH OTHER. HE HAVE A FEW ISSUES. WE CAN WORK IT OUT. UM... BUT AGAIN, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM. I KNOW. WHAT ABOUT YOU? WELL, ME? OKAY. WITH... HAVE YOU EVER SHOWN UP IN THIS MARRIAGE BEYOND GETTING WHAT YOU WANT? I PROBABLY WAS A LITTLE CONTROLLING. [ LAUGHING ] -I'M -- I'M EMBARRASSED. -OKAY. THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU REPRESENT A COMMON MISTAKE THAT WOMEN MAKE -- PICKING A MAN THEY THINK THEY CAN CONTROL IN ORDER TO GET WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY'RE NOT CLEAR ABOUT WHO THEY ARE. YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE. I AGREE WITH THAT. WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME IS CRAZY, MISS MALORIE. I LIKE THE IDEA, I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU, OF SAYING, "MY HUSBAND. THIS IS MY HUSBAND. THIS IS MY WIFE." -AH, BECAUSE THAT... -I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE... -...MAKES YOU FEEL... -COMPLETE. -...COMPLETE. MISS MALORIE, DO YOU GET THAT IF BEING WITH SOMEBODY MAKES YOU COMPLETE, THAT BEING ALONE MAKES YOU FEEL INCOMPLETE? MISS MALORIE IS LIKE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF OTHER WOMEN WHO DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE, SO FINDING A PARTNER THAT COMPLEMENTS THEM IS IMPOSSIBLE. IN ORDER TO HEAL HERSELF, SHE HAS TO FIRST LEARN ABOUT HERSELF, AND THAT IS NO EASY TASK. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAME HERE. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. BUT I KNOW WHY I'M HERE, SO I'M-A MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH MY VISION, WHICH IS FOR YOU TO BE A DEMONSTRATION TO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF OTHERS OF WHAT'S POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN WHO STEPS OUT OF HER HUSTLE AND HER RACKET INTO HER TRUE IDENTITY, AND I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR FAMILY HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. I KNOW YOUR MOM'S HERE. YOUR DAUGHTER'S HERE. YOUR SISTER'S HERE. AND I REALLY WANT TO INVITE THEM TO DO SOMETHING I DON'T THINK THEY'VE DONE, WHICH IS TELL YOU THE TRUTH, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO WAY I COULD HAVE THREE GENERATIONS OF WOMEN -- YOUR MOM, YOU, AND YOUR DAUGHTER -- AND YOU STILL BE BEHAVING LIKE THIS. OKAY. Iyanla: MISS MALORIE PLACES A LOT OF IMPORTANCE ON PORTRAYING HERSELF AS A WOMAN WHO IS PERFECTLY PUT TOGETHER, CAREFULLY CRAFTING A FACADE TO HIDE BEHIND. HOWEVER, IF I AM TO SUPPORT MALORIE, I NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS HIDING. TO DO THAT, I HAVE INVITED HER MOTHER, MISS BARBARA, AND HER SISTER, MISS CYNTHIA, FOR AN OPEN AND HONEST DIALOGUE ABOUT MALORIE'S BEHAVIOR AND HER PATTERNS AND WHERE THEY MIGHT HAVE COME FROM. I THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE TODAY. I KNOW YOU'RE HERE TO SUPPORT MALORIE, SO I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU SEE AND HEAR IN TERMS OF WHY SHE'S HERE. MAL REALLY LOVES... SHE'S ALWAYS LOVED THE IDEA OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. SHE ALWAYS LOVED THE IDEA OF BEING MARRIED. -WHY? -SHE WANTED TO BE A WIFE. SHE WANTED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. -AND WHAT DO YOU SEE, MOM? MALORIE SEEMED LIKE SHE ALWAYS WANTED SOMEONE TO BE THERE FOR HER. THEY JUST KIND OF TOOK CARE OF HER, YOU KNOW? SHE -- -FINANCIALLY? -FINANCIALLY. THAT'S WHAT I KNOW -- AND I COULD BE VERY WRONG -- IS WHAT I KNOW AS A GOLD DIGGER. WELL... [ LAUGHS ] UM... WELL... -ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS CALLED? THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S TRUE. I KNOW THE FINANCIAL SECURITY PART OF IT WAS ALWAYS A BIG DEAL FOR HER. BUT HOW DO THESE MEN AND THE WAY THEY TREAT HER REFLECT THE WAY HER FATHER TREATED HER MOTHER? -HMM. -MOM? MY HUSBANDS, THEY WERE PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE. RIGHT. I KIND OF CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT BECAUSE, WHEN I GOT MARRIED, I WAS, LIKE...WHAT, 17? SO I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY KNOW THE MAN. BUT 3 MONTHS, YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ANYONE, RIGHT? AND ARE YOU AWARE THAT MALORIE MARRIED HER HUSBAND AFTER ONLY KNOWING HIM 2 1/2 MONTHS? -YEAH. YEAH. -YES. WE KNOW BECAUSE SHE WENT AND GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME, AND, YOU KNOW, THAT HURT ME. WELL, I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS WHY WE WEREN'T INVITED TO THE WEDDING IS BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT US TO... TELL HER THE TRUTH. ...TELL HER NOT TO GET MARRIED AFTER 2 MONTHS. -TELL HER THE TRUTH. -Cynthia: EXACTLY. IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR OUR ANSWER, THEN SHE JUST WON'T BRING IT TO US, AND SHE JUST DOES WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. YEAH, OR WE TELL HER SOMETHING SHE'S NOT READY TO HEAR. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR. -AND THEN SHE GETS UPSET. -WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE... -VERY. -...UPSET? -THAT MEANS... WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE IS, YOU KNOW, SHE WILL CUT US OFF FOR A COUPLE MONTHS AT A TIME. LIKE, SHE JUST WILL JUST STOP COMMUNICATION. OH, YOU MEAN LIKE HER HUSBAND JUST DID HER? -YEAH. -Iyanla: OH. -YEAH. -INTERESTING. WHERE DID SHE LEARN THAT? SHE LEARNED IT SOMEWHERE? WELL... WHERE DID SHE GET IT? NOT FROM ME, DID SHE? WHEN YOU GET UPSET, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING, YOU BECOME VERY DEFENSIVE AND YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, AND YOU WILL DEFINITELY JUST STOP COMMUNICATING. Iyanla: MISS MALORIE ASKED FOR MY HELP BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT HER PROBLEMS WERE JUST IN HER MARRIAGE, BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE WERE PROBLEMS LONG BEFORE SHE STEPPED TO THAT ALTAR. THERE'S A FAMILY PATHOLOGY AT WORK HERE, AND IF ANYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, THE ENTIRE FAMILY WILL NEED TO OWN THEIR PART IN THESE TOXIC PATTERNS. COMING UP... WAS YOUR FATHER A SAFE MALE FIGURE IN YOUR LIFE? WELL, HE WOULD WHIP US IF WE DIDN'T PICK ENOUGH COTTON. -HE WOULD BEAT YOU? -YES. I DON'T THINK HE WAS READY TO GET MARRIED. NEITHER WERE YOU! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU NOT BEING THERE, MOM. IT'S ABOUT WHAT SHE SAW, WHAT SHE FELT, WHAT SHE EXPERIENCED IN HER LIFE. SO LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS. WERE YOU SAFE WITH THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE? IF I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING, I WILL SAY, "NO." OKAY. WERE YOU SAFE WITH YOUR FATHER? WAS YOUR FATHER A SAFE MALE FIGURE IN YOUR LIFE? WELL, HE WOULD WHIP US IF WE DIDN'T PICK ENOUGH COTTON. IF YOU DIDN'T PICK ENOUGH COTTON... -RIGHT. -...HE WOULD BEAT YOU? YES. HEAR ME. THIS IS NOT ABOUT MAKING ANYBODY LOOK BAD. YOUR SISTER CAME TO ME... MM-HMM. ...BECAUSE SHE WANTED SOME HELP IN UNDERSTANDING WHERE SHE WAS IN HER LIFE. -RIGHT. AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I'M CLEAR ABOUT IS THAT WE END UP CREATING AND RECREATING THE PATHOLOGY OF THE FAMILY. MM-HMM. AND UNTIL YOU BREAK THE CYCLE, BREAK THE PATTERN, YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP DOING THE SAME THING, BUT YOU GOT TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PATTERN. MAMA, YOU GOT TO CONSIDER, WHAT DID MALORIE SEE? BECAUSE YOU WERE THE DEMONSTRATION OF WOMAN. YOU WERE THE DEMONSTRATION OF HOW TO BE OR HOW NOT TO BE... MM-HMM. ...BECAUSE IT'S THREE GENERATIONS. -MM-HMM. -Iyanla: IT'S YOU, IT'S YOU AND MAL, AND IT'S MAL'S DAUGHTER AND THEN YOUR DAUGHTER. -MM-HMM. SO I THINK IT'S CRITICAL THAT WE LOOK AT THESE THREE GENERATIONS AND CUT THE PATTERN. WELL, I GUESS I KIND OF REPEATED MY MAMA'S PATTERN. -YEAH, I WAS GONNA SAY... -OF? I SAW MY MAMA TREATED BADLY, AND SHE WORKED SO HARD. -SO THAT'S WHAT YOU SAW. -THAT'S WHAT I SAW. AND WHAT DID YOU CREATE? WHAT DID YOU MARRY? ABUSIVE MEN. OKAY, SO I HAVE HOMEWORK FOR Y'ALL. THIS IS CALLED A MALORIE INVENTORY. OH, MY GOODNESS. AND IT'S REALLY AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO TELL A DEEPER LEVEL OF TRUTH. WHAT I WANT TO DO IS SUPPORT YOU AND PREPARE YOU TO GIVE MALORIE THIS LEVEL OF FEEDBACK SO THAT, "A," YOU GET ACCUSTOMED TO TELLING, SHARING WITH HER WHAT YOU SEE, FEEL, SENSE, KNOW, AND SHE GETS ACCUSTOMED TO HEARING IT, 'CAUSE JUST LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL IT, I DON'T THINK SHE KNOW HOW TO HEAR IT. Iyanla: THE BAILEY WOMEN HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO A FAMILY PATHOLOGY, A PATTERN OF SEEKING PARTNERS WHO MISTREAT THEM, BUT MY WORK HERE IS TO INTERRUPT THAT PATTERN, HOPEFULLY BEFORE IT AFFECTS MALORIE'S DAUGHTER, MISS MADISON. I'VE TALKED TO YOUR MOM, TALKED TO YOUR GRANDMA, AND YOUR AUNTIE. MM-HMM. I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU TO KIND OF GET YOUR SENSE OF WHAT'S GOING ON... -OKAY. ...WITH YOUR MOM, WHAT YOU SEE, WHAT YOU KNOW... MM-HMM. ...MORE SPECIFICALLY, WHAT YOU HAVEN'T SAID. MM-HMM. HMM. AND LOOKING AT THE PATHOLOGY, BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'VE SEEN. -RIGHT. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING UP TO. OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR EXPERIENCE OF WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, WHEN THE SEPARATION HAPPENED, I FEEL LIKE THERE WAS A LOT OF BLAME BEING POINTED AT ONE ANOTHER. THE SEPARATION HAPPENED BETWEEN WHO? MY PARENTS, MY MOM AND CHRIS. -OKAY. -AND... DO YOU CONSIDER HIM TO BE YOUR STEPDAD? -YES. -OKAY. MM-HMM. YES, VERY MUCH SO. WE ARE VERY CLOSE, AND ALWAYS CONSIDERED HIM, YOU KNOW, A FATHER TO ME BECAUSE... -REALLY? -...HE'S BEEN IN MY LIFE SINCE I WAS 10, 11 YEARS OLD. I ASKED YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR GRANDMA AND YOUR AUNTIE, "TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW." WHAT I SAW WAS A LOT OF MISCOMMUNICATION, A LOT OF DISRESPECT. I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. MY MOM CAN HIT BELOW THE BELT MOST TIMES. -YOUR MOTHER... -YES. [ LAUGHS ] ...CAN HIT BELOW THE BELT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YES. WHEN SHE'S HURT, SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS HER FEELINGS, SO SHE LASHES OUT. I JUST WANT HER TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER ROLE IN EVERYTHING AND NOT JUST PLAY THE BLAME GAME AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE IT WAS JUST ALL ON CHRIS BECAUSE, HONESTLY, IT WASN'T. IT WASN'T ALL ON CHRIS -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T FEEL LIKE SHE WAS APPRECIATIVE TOWARDS HIM, AND I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING THAT REALLY HURT HIS FEELINGS. NOT EVERY MAN IS GOING TO COME IN, TAKE CARE OF YOU, YOUR CHILD, BUY YOUR CHILD A CAR, SEND YOUR CHILD TO COLLEGE, MAKE SURE... YOU KNOW, HE'S DONE ALL THIS STUFF, AND I FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T DISCREDIT HIM FOR THAT NO MATTER WHAT Y'ALL'S RELATIONSHIP IS NOW. IS YOUR MOTHER SELFISH? MAYBE JUST TOWARDS CHRIS, BUT FOR THE MOST PART, I'VE SEEN HER... SHE'D GIVE HER RIGHT ARM FOR ANYONE, REALLY. I JUST KNOW THAT THERE'S A PRINCIPLE IN LIFE... UH-HUH. ...CALLED, IF YOU DO IT ANYWHERE... -UH-HUH. -...YOU DO IT EVERYWHERE. -OKAY. -SHE'S UNAPPRECIATIVE OF HIM. CHANCES ARE, SHE DISPLAYS THAT SAME QUALITY TOWARDS, "A," HERSELF... -OKAY. ...AND "B," EVERYBODY ELSE, IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER. MM-HMM. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. THE BIGGEST THING I SEE IN THIS LINEAGE OF WOMEN... MM-HMM. ...IS Y'ALL DON'T TELL EACH OTHER THE TRUTH, AND YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH. I THINK THAT YOU MAKE UP STUFF UP HERE AND TELL YOURSELF IT'S TRUE... -MM-HMM. ...AND DON'T LOOK BEYOND THAT, AND YOU MISS SOMETHING. MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER... -MM-HMM. -...THIS IS FOR YOU. THERE'S A GENERATIONAL PATTERN GOING ON HERE. MM-HMM. AND WE GOT TO CALL IT WHAT IT IS... -MM-HMM. -...SO THAT YOU GET TO MAKE SOME CLEAR, CONSCIOUS CHOICES. OKAY. Iyanla: THIS ENTIRE FAMILY, FROM YOUNGEST TO OLDEST, MUST LEARN TO SPEAK OPENLY AND HONESTLY WITH EACH OTHER. ONLY THEN WILL THEY RECOGNIZE ALL ASPECTS OF THE TOXIC PATHOLOGY INSTEAD OF HIDING BEHIND IT, AS MISS MALORIE HAS DONE. THIS IS CALLED A MALORIE INVENTORY. -OKAY. -KNOW HOW YOU TAKE AN INVENTORY, AND YOU REPORT WHAT YOU SEE? -OKAY. IT'S DONE FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF, YOU'RE IN HER SHOES. OH, OKAY. AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER LIFE AND HER WORLD FROM HER SHOES, KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW. -MM-HMM. OKAY. SHOW UP FOR YOUR MOTHER IN A WAY THAT YOU WOULD WANT SOMEBODY TO SHOW UP FOR YOU. -OKAY. -THAT WORK IS VERY IMPORTANT... MM-HMM. ...BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST DOING THAT WORK. I WANT TO SUPPORT YOU IN BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IT TO HER... -OKAY. ...AND SUPPORT HER IN LEARNING HOW TO HEAR IT... RIGHT. ...SO THAT, WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE, SHE HAS A NEW EXPERIENCE. COMING UP... WHY WOULD YOU LET SOMEBODY DO THIS TO YOU?! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'VE ALLOWED IT. I WANT YOU TO BREATHE INTO YOUR HEART. COME ON. YOU, MOVE. TALK TO ME ABOUT WHEN IT STARTED. THAT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. SHE'S NOT GONNA BE MAD. TELL YOUR TRUTH. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. I FEEL LIKE I HAD MY LIFE UNTIL I STARTED THE SHOW. ANY NEW AWARENESSES, UNDERSTANDINGS? ANYTHING COME TO YOU? I FEEL LIKE I'VE DEFINITELY MADE SOME MISTAKES. I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE HONEST WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION. REALLY? WHY IS THAT? I TRY TO CONTROL THE SITUATION BEFORE IT HAPPENED. IF I SEE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ABOUT TO GO WRONG, THEN I TRY TO FIX IT, SO I NEED TO STOP DOING THAT. -BUT YOU MAKE IT... AND I DO THAT WITH OTHER PEOPLE, TOO, THAT I MEET. BUT YOU'RE MAKING THIS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND NOT DOING WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO. YOU MARRIED A MAN THAT YOU ONLY KNEW FOR 2 MONTHS, A MAN WHO WAS 8 YEARS YOUR JUNIOR. YOU MARRIED A MAN WHO, ACCORDING TO YOU, HAD NOTHING, AND YOU, ACCORDING TO YOU, BUILT HIM INTO EVERYTHING. WELL, HE WAS 29. YOU WAS 37. SO, I MEAN, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THIS THING, AND YOU'RE SAYING WHAT IT IS, BUT YOU'RE NOT OWNING YOUR ROLE IN IT. I DON'T THINK HE WAS READY TO GET MARRIED. I DON'T THINK -- -NEITHER WERE YOU! YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT HIM, BUT HE AIN'T HERE. YOU HERE, SO WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HIM? LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU. Iyanla: MISS MALORIE HAS DEMONSTRATED THAT SHE IS AFRAID OF TALKING HONESTLY ABOUT HERSELF. I BELIEVE THAT HER FEAR OF LOOKING BAD STEMS FROM A WEAK SENSE OF IDENTITY, SO INSTEAD OF FINDING HAPPINESS FROM WITHIN, SHE HAS TRIED TO ACQUIRE IT IN THE HAVING OF THINGS. WITH THIS EXERCISE, I INTEND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT A TRUE OF SENSE OF HAPPINESS STEMS FROM A STRONG SENSE OF BEING, NOT FROM WHAT YOU OWN. I WANT TO DO THIS EXERCISE WITH YOU, OKAY? COME ON HERE WITH ME. I WANT YOU TO STAND RIGHT OVER HERE. STAND RIGHT OVER HERE. AND I GOT THREE BUCKETS HERE. MM-HMM. YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE BUCKETS ARE? -"BEING," "DOING..." -WHAT ARE THEY? ...AND "HAVING." YEAH, BEING -- YOUR STATE OF BEING. DOING -- THAT MEANS EXTERNAL, THE WORK... -OKAY. -...IN ORDER TO HAVE. LET'S SEE WERE YOU HAVE THE GREATEST SUCCESS. DO YOU HAVE A HOME? DO YOU HAVE A HOME? -YES. -A HOUSE TO LIVE IN. -YES. YEAH. OKAY. PUT THAT -- THROW THAT IN THE "HAVING" BUCKET. GO AHEAD. JUST THROW IT IN THERE. ALL RIGHT. GOOD. DO YOU HAVE A CAR? -YES. OKAY. GOOD. A WARDROBE? -YES. OKAY. GOOD. YOU GOT A LITTLE MONEY IN THE BANK? -YES. -OKAY. GOOD! I LIKE A WOMAN WITH MONEY IN THE BANK. YOU HAVE PUBLIC RECOGNITION, DON'T YOU? -YES. -OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU DO ANY SERVICE IN THE WORLD WHERE YOU'RE NOT REWARDED OR GET RECOGNITION? I DO. I HAVE A HAIR-EXTENSION LINE, SO I DO DONATE HAIR TO PEOPLE, CANCER PATIENTS AND ALL THAT. -OKAY. -SO I DO... -GOOD. THAT'S LOVELY. GOOD. PUT THAT IN THERE. THAT'S "BEING." YES, SERVICE. RIGHT NOW, TODAY, IN YOUR LIFE, ARE YOU ANGRY ABOUT ANYTHING? YES. AND WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT THAT ANGER? WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING IS HOLDING IT IN. OH, SO THAT'S A DOING, DENYING. HERE, PUT ONE IN THE "DOING" 'CAUSE DENIAL IS A DOING. [ CLANK ] YOU GOT ANY SADNESS ABOUT ANYTHING? -YES. -AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT? I HOLD IT IN. OH, THAT'S MORE DENIAL. HERE, PUT THAT IN THERE. LOTS OF HAVING THINGS, NOT MUCH DOING, AND LITTLE BEING. WHICH OF THESE DO YOU THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT? BEING. YEAH, LIKE BEING AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF. [ CLANK ] BEING CLEAR ABOUT WHO YOU ARE, BEING AUTHENTIC. OH, BUT SEE, YOU DO THINGS... [ CLANK ] THAT CAUSE YOU TO HAVE THINGS WITHOUT BEING THEM. YEAH. MM-HMM. AND WHAT I WANT TO SUPPORT YOU IN IS GETTING INTO THE BEING. OKAY. BUT YOU GOT TO KNOW THE DISTINCTION. I'M GONNA GO GET YOUR SISTER. -OKAY. Iyanla: IN ORDER TO HELP MISS MALORIE GO BEYOND HER FACADE AND SEE HERSELF AS SHE TRULY IS, I'M GOING TO FACILITATE A LOVING YET HONEST CONVERSATION BETWEEN HER AND HER SISTER, MISS CYNTHIA. WE JUST DID THIS LITTLE EXERCISE I DID WITH HER. -OKAY. -HER STATE OF BEING... -OKAY. OKAY. -...AS A WOMAN... ...WHAT SHE DOES IN HER LIFE... OKAY. ...AND WHAT SHE HAS, MATERIAL STUFF. OKAY. WHICH ONE HAS THE MOST BALLS IN IT? -LOOKS LIKE THIS ONE. -THE MOST CONTRIBUTION? -HAVING. -THE HAVING. -YEAH. -[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT ABOUT HER STATE OF BEING AS A WOMAN JUST FROM WHAT YOU SEE AND SENSE AND KNOW? WELL, I THINK THAT YOU DON'T PUT YOURSELF FIRST IN A WAY OF, LIKE, YOU... YOU DON'T REALLY SEEM TO HAVE A STRONG IDENTITY OF WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A RELATIONSHIP PERSON. YOU LIKE BEING MARRIED. YOU LIKE BEING LOOKED AFTER. YOU LIKE BEING TAKEN CARE OF. NOT SAYING THAT YOU AIN'T GOING TO KEEP THE HOUSE CLEAN AND COOK AND MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS RIGHT AND MAKE SURE THE PLUG-INS ARE IN THE WALL. YOU GONNA DO ALL THAT. BUT WHEN YOU SAY, "TAKEN CARE OF," BECAUSE I TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING. NO, NO, YOU DID YOUR PART AS WELL. I'M NOT SAYING THAT. -WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD UP. HOLD UP. SLOW DOWN. I WANT TO GET THIS REAL CLEAR. ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS IS A WOMAN THAT LIKES TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BY MEN, THAT THEY PROVIDE THE MONEY? NO, HAD THE HIGHER CHECK. I ALWAYS EARNED A CHECK. THEY HAD THE -- THEIR CHECK WAS BIGGER THAN MINE, SO THAT'S ABOUT IT. BUT I DON'T GO LOOKING FOR A RICH GUY. -NO, NO, I'M NOT SAYING... -I DON'T DO... ...YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET WITH A GUY AND BE LIKE, "I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO OFFER. "I AIN'T GETTING READY TO DO NOTHING BUT JUST BE OVER HERE AND JUST GET MONEY." AND WHAT IF YOU DO, DO THAT? YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO A CERTAIN LIFESTYLE. -I DO. -THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. TRUE. TRUE, BUT I'VE DATED PEOPLE WITH DEFINITELY NOT THE, YOU KNOW, DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. THAT IS VERY TRUE. HERE IS WHAT I HAVE TO ASK YOU -- WHAT ARE YOUR PARTNERS, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? WHAT ARE THEY SHOWING YOU ABOUT YOURSELF? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU HERE, BABY? TAIL END OF A 12-YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO WON'T SPEAK TO YOU. THIS MAN YOU SHARED YOUR BED WITH, YOUR BODY, YOUR HEART, YOUR LIFE FOR 12 YEARS, AND HE WON'T SPEAK TO YOU? WHAT THE HELL?! WHY WOULD HE TREAT YOU LIKE THAT, AND HOW DO YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF? WHAT PART OF YOU ARE YOU DENYING? BECAUSE CERTAINLY, HE'S DENIED YOU. -WELL, I AGREE. -OHH. -IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. -LET HER -- MISS CYNTHIA. -IT'S OKAY. -MISS CYNTHIA, MISS CYNTHIA, [ Whispers ] DON'T DO THAT. LET HER GO. LET HER GO. LET HER SIT IN IT. SHE'S GOT TO FEEL IT. OTHERWISE, SHE'S GONNA THINK HER WAY OUT OF IT. LET HER GO, MISS CYNTHIA. MISS CYNTHIA, LET HER GO. COMING UP... YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE, DID YOU? BECAUSE WHY? -SHE MADE IT FOR ME. -YEAH. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE A VOICE, DID YOU? -'CAUSE WHY? -SHE MADE IT. SHE WAS YOUR BIG SISTER, AND YOU KIND OF DEPENDED ON HER, RIGHT? WHAT PART OF YOU ARE YOU DENYING? BECAUSE CERTAINLY, HE'S DENIED YOU? -WELL, I AGREE. -OHH. -IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. -LET HER -- MISS CYNTHIA. -IT'S OKAY. -MISS CYNTHIA, MISS CYNTHIA, [ Whispers ] DON'T DO THAT. LET HER GO. LET HER GO. LET HER SIT IN IT. SHE'S GOT TO FEEL IT. OTHERWISE, SHE'S GONNA THINK HER WAY OUT OF IT. LET HER GO, MISS CYNTHIA. MISS CYNTHIA, LET HER GO. SHE CAN DO THIS. I PROMISE YOU, SHE CAN DO IT. THAT TEAR AIN'T GOING TO KILL HER. THAT'S WHAT SHE NEED TO DO. LET YOUR HEART BREAK! JUST LET IT BREAK SO THAT YOU CAN GET UNDERNEATH THAT STUFF! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO YOU? WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO YOU? WHY WOULD YOU LET SOMEBODY DO THIS TO YOU? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO IT? WHY... WOULD YOU DISHONOR AND DISGRACE AND DISOWN AND DISRESPECT YOURSELF TO THIS DEGREE? WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY I'VE ALLOWED IT, AND THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO ADDRESS AND DEAL WITH. I WANT YOU TO BREATHE INTO YOUR HEART. CAN I TOUCH YOU? -YEAH. I WANT YOU TO BREATHE INTO YOUR HEART. YEAH. COME ON. YOU, MOVE. [ CHUCKLES ] SIT RIGHT THERE. YEAH. WHY ARE YOU CRYING? FEEL LIKE I'M JUST EXHAUSTED... YES. ...TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK, TRYING TO CREATE THIS LIFE. YEAH. AND? IT'S OKAY. UNH-UNH. NO, NO, NO. WHEN YOU DO THAT, I KNOW YOU'RE HOLDING SOMETHING BACK. WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT? I FEEL LIKE, SOMETIMES, I ALSO HAVE BEEN IN SOMEWHAT THE SHADOW OF MY SISTER. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. SHE'S NOT GONNA BE MAD. TELL YOUR TRUTH. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. WHY WERE YOU IN HER SHADOW? BECAUSE WE'RE SO CLOSE, AND EVERYBODY JUST COMPARE US. -YEAH. -I MEAN... IT'S OKAY. WHATEVER YOU SAY, IT'S... WELL, I FEEL LIKE I HAD MY LIFE UNTIL I STARTED THE SHOW. YEAH, AND THEN? YOU WERE JUST HER SISTER. YEAH, BUT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE, TOO, DIDN'T IT? SPEAK IT. IT'S OKAY. TALK TO ME ABOUT WHEN IT STARTED. COME ON. EVEN THOUGH SHE'S 11 MONTHS APART, SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE THAT TOOK CARE OF US. -YES. -LIKE, IN HIGH SCHOOL... -THE BIG SISTER. -...SHE MADE OUR FRIENDS. -BEFORE HIGH SCHOOL, YEAH. -AND SHE'S... YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE, DID YOU? 'CAUSE WHY? -SHE MADE IT. YEAH. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE A VOICE, DID YOU? 'CAUSE WHY? -SHE MADE IT. SHE HAD IT. SHE WAS YOUR BIG SISTER, AND YOU KIND OF DEPENDED ON HER, RIGHT? YEAH. BUT SEE, MISS MALORIE, THAT'S THE PLACE WE GOT TO START TALKING FROM. Iyanla: FINALLY, WE ARE GETTING A GLIMPSE OF THE REAL MALORIE BAILEY. SHE IS STARTING TO SPEAK TRUTHFULLY ABOUT HERSELF AND UNDERSTAND THAT, WITHOUT A STRONG SENSE OF IDENTITY, SHE HAS LET HERSELF FALL INTO OLD, TOXIC PATTERNS CREATED BY OTHERS. WELL, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THIS, MAL. YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO FEEL LIKE... LIKE, I WOULD NEVER LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'RE JUST MY SISTER. -I KNOW YOU DON'T. -I LOOK AT US LIKE... -BUT I KNOW... -...WE'RE SISTERS. ...YOU DON'T, BUT THE WORLD LOOK AT ME. I KNOW PEOPLE COME UP TO ME, "OH, YOU'RE CYNTHIA BAILEY'S SISTER." DO YOU SEE THAT RIGHT THERE? NOT, "YOU'RE MALORIE BAILEY," BUT, "YOU'RE CYNTHIA BAILEY'S SISTER." I KNOW THAT. JUST LET YOUR HEART BREAK. TRUST YOURSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN RECOVER. DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM, OR DO YOU JUST NOT WANT TO BE WRONG THAT YOU CHOSE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE? -I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM. -OKAY. -ALL RIGHT. -I DON'T WANT HIM. LET'S RELANGUAGE THAT, SO THAT IT STAYS LOVING AND KIND. SAY, "WE'RE NOT GOOD FOR EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW." WE'RE NOT GOOD FOR EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. -CAN I SAY SOMETHING? -ABSOLUTELY, BIG SISTER. WELL, IT SEEM LIKE WE'VE DISCOVERED SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS HAPPENING EARLIER. I THOUGHT IT WAS MY MOM'S FAULT, A LOT OF THE STUFF. WELL, IT'S NOT FAULT. SHE IS STILL A PRODUCT OF YOUR MOTHER. -OH. -WE AIN'T GOT THERE YET. OH, OKAY, 'CAUSE I'M LIKE, "NOW WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON NOW." [ MALORIE LAUGHING ] -I GUARANTEE YOU... -..."SO IT'S ON ME NOW?" I GUARANTEE YOU, YOUR MOTHER DID THIS. I GUARANTEE YOU, HOW YOU'VE BEEN IS A FUNCTION OF HOW YOU SAW OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER, GUARANTEE IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR TRUSTING YOURSELF ENOUGH TO TRUST ME. Iyanla: THROUGH HONESTY AND FEEDBACK, MALORIE HAS TAKEN HER FIRST STEPS TOWARD HEALING, AND ALTHOUGH IT IS VERY COMMON FOR YOUNGER SIBLINGS TO FEEL OUTSHINED BY THEIR OLDER BROTHERS OR SISTERS, IN MISS MALORIE'S CASE, I THINK THERE'S MORE HIDING IN THE SHADOWS. SO TOMORROW, MY FINAL DAY WITH THE BAILEYS, I WANT TO BRING THE THREE GENERATIONS OF WOMEN TOGETHER SO THEY CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN ENTIRE FAMILY SITS IN THEIR TRUTH FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. -COMING UP... -YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY? [ SIGHS DEEPLY ] -CYNTHIA... -THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. Iyanla: HAVE A SEAT DOWN. COME ON, MAMA. WE'LL PUT THE ELDER AND THE JUNIOR ON THE SAME SIDE. THROUGH THIS HEALING PROCESS, IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT THE BAILEY FAMILY HAS BEEN PASSING DOWN THE SAME DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER FOR FAR TOO LONG, SO I HAVE INVITED THE THREE GENERATIONS OF BAILEY WOMEN -- GRANDMOTHER BARBARA, SISTER CYNTHIA, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, MALORIE'S DAUGHTER MADISON -- TO TALK ABOUT WAYS TO INTERRUPT THESE PATTERNS. NOT ONLY IS THIS VITAL FOR MISS MALORIE'S PERSONAL JOURNEY, IT WILL ALSO SPARE MADISON FROM FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF ALL THOSE WOMEN WHO SUFFERED BEFORE IT. SOMETIMES AS WOMEN, WE REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF OUR CULTURE, OUR ENVIRONMENT, OUR ECOLOGY. WHAT'S COMING DOWN THIS LINE HAS BEEN IN THIS FAMILY. Y'ALL ARE JUST ACTING IT OUT THE WAY YOU KNOW HOW TO ACT OUT. MAMA AND I HAD A GOOD, GOOD TALK TODAY. -WE DID. -AND SO MUCH OF WHO SHE IS AND WHAT SHE DID CAME FROM HER MOTHER. Barbara: MM-HMM. AND SO MUCH OF THAT MAY HAVE COME FROM HER MOTHER. -RIGHT. -YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH THEM SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE TALKED ABOUT TODAY? WELL, WE TALKED ABOUT MOM AND DAD FIGHTING AND CUSSING, AND HOW THAT AFFECTED ME THAT I NEVER DID SHARE WITH Y'ALL, LIKE, WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I WAS YELLED AT A LOT FROM MY PARENTS AND MY SIBLINGS, YOU KNOW? -MM-HMM. THEY CALLED ME UGLY AND THEY CALLED ME CRIPPLE. ALL OF THAT, THAT SHE MADE ME REALIZE IS JUST TRUE. YEAH. [ Voice breaks ] I'M REALLY SORRY. ARE YOU SORRY OR, "FORGIVE ME"? FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING... THE OWNERSHIP OF THIS FAMILY. [ Whispers ] OKAY. BUT HERE'S WHAT Y'ALL CAME HERE TO UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE CHILDREN WHO WATCHED AND HEARD YOUR MOTHER BE VIOLENTLY, PHYSICALLY, AND VERBALLY ABUSED, AND SHE NEVER SPOKE TO YOU ABOUT IT. YOU HAD TO MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND ABOUT IT. Cynthia: MM-HMM. MAMA, YOUR BABIES WEREN'T SAFE IN THEIR MIND. YOU WEREN'T SAFE. -MM-HMM. SO YOU HAD TO MAKE UP WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT, AND ALSO MAKE UP THAT SHE COULDN'T HANDLE IT BECAUSE YOU JUDGE HER AS WEAK, JUDGED HER AS WEAK... ...AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE LIKE THAT. THEN YOU TAKE OVER. WOULD THAT BE ACCURATE? IF YOU CAN'T SAVE YOURSELF, YOU CAN'T SAVE ME. AND AS THE OLDEST CHILD, I THINK I JUST FELT LIKE, "OKAY, IF I COULD PROTECT MYSELF, THEN I COULD MAKE SURE MAL IS OKAY." I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CHOSE TO STAY IN THAT SITUATION. WHY? CAN I TELL YOU WHY? BECAUSE HER FATHER BEAT HER. IT WAS FAMILIAR, AND WE'LL DO WHAT'S FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE RATHER THAN TRY THE UNKNOWN, AND YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY DO, BECAUSE YOU DO IT. I DIDN'T KNOW A LOT... WELL, PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING OF WHAT I'VE HEARD TODAY, SO... MM. THAT'S HOW SHE'LL END UP IN IT, 'CAUSE THE TREE DON'T GROW FROM THE LEAF TO THE ROOT. GROW FROM THE ROOT TO THE LEAF. [ CHUCKLES ] -MM-HMM. -OKAY? -IT'S IN HER BLOOD. -YEAH. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SHE DON'T HAVE TO STAY WITH A MAN WHO PUTS HIS HANDS ON HER, AND SHE CAN TALK ABOUT IT WHEN IT HAPPENS, AND THAT THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS GONNA SHOW UP, SHOULD IT EVER HAPPEN. BUT THE WOMEN HAVE TO GATHER AND SPEAK SO THAT YOU KNOW. MISS MALORIE -- -CAN I ADD TO THIS? YES, PLEASE DO. FORGIVE ME, CYNTHIA, MALORIE. I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER 'CAUSE MY MOM STAYED WITH MY DAD, NO MATTER WHAT. OKAY. AND I FELT LIKE I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO BECAUSE HE CONTROLLED EVERYTHING. CYNTHIA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THE BOSS OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE. -Iyanla: TELL HER. -I AM THE BOSS... -OH, MY GOD. [ EXHALES ] -...OF THE FAMILY, AND I WANT TO TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY. SO I'M JUST... YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY? [ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING ] -[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] CYNTHIA... THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. FORGIVE ME, CYNTHIA, MALORIE. I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER 'CAUSE MY MOM STAYED WITH MY DAD, NO MATTER WHAT. OKAY. AND I FELT LIKE I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO BECAUSE HE CONTROLLED EVERYTHING. CYNTHIA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THE BOSS OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE. -Iyanla: TELL HER. -I AM THE BOSS OF THE FAMILY, AND I WANT TO TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY. SO YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY? [ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING ] -[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] CYNTHIA... THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. WHY NOT? BECAUSE I DIDN'T PICK THE POSITION. I WAS GIVEN THE POSITION. -YOU TOOK THE POSITION. I TOOK THE POSITION. I THINK OLD HABITS DIE HARD, AND I THINK PEOPLE ARE WHO THEY ARE, AND WE ALL ARE A CERTAIN AGE AT THIS POINT. BUT THAT INCLUDES YOU, TOO. -DEFINITELY. -AND LET 'EM FALL. LET 'EM FALL... ...BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO LEARN THAT THEY CAN GET UP. THERE'S A DISTINCTION BETWEEN SUPPORTING SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU CAN AND DRAGGING THEM ALONG WITH YOU 'CAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO. MM-HMM. YOU'VE BEEN DRAGGING THEM 'CAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO. LET 'EM FALL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AFTER US ANYMORE. YOU HAVE A LOT GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. WE'RE GOING TO BE FINE. -I RECEIVE IT, AND IT'S LIKE A BURDEN LIFTED OFF ME, HONESTLY. Iyanla: NOW THAT QUEEN BARBARA HAS RECLAIMED HER THRONE AND IS DEMONSTRATING A HEALTHY NEW PATTERN, IT IS MY HOPE THAT MISS MALORIE IS READY TO STEP OUT OF CYNTHIA'S SHADOW AND FINALLY RECEIVE THE FEEDBACK SHE SO DESPERATELY NEEDS. SO, MISS MALORIE, SINCE YOU CALLED US ALL HERE TOGETHER TODAY, YOU GETTING READY TO GET SOME FEEDBACK. I ASKED EACH OF THE MEMBERS OF YOUR TRIBE TO WRITE AN ASSESSMENT OF THEIR EXPERIENCE OF YOU AS IF THEY WERE STANDING IN YOUR SHOES, JUST SO THAT YOU CAN BE CLEAR ABOUT HOW YOU'RE SHOWING UP IN THE WORLD. OKAY. SO I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS AS THEIR EXPERIENCE, NOT AS A CRITICISM OR A CONDEMNATION OF YOU. SO, MISS MADISON... -OKAY. "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF "IS MY FUN PERSONALITY AND YOUNG APPEARANCE. "WHAT I HATE OR DON'T LIKE ABOUT MYSELF IS MY BODY INSECURITIES AND BLEMISHES." -DOES THAT SOUND LIKE YOU? -YES. DEAD ON. I FELT LIKE I SHOULD'VE KNEW MORE, AND I FELT LIKE WHAT -- I WAS TRYING NOT TO BE SO SURFACE, AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I KNOW ANYTHING DEEPER THAN THAT." OHH. OKAY, SO YOU DO THE NEXT THREE. "MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS NOT REALIZING "MY OWN POTENTIAL AND SELF-WORTH. "I AM MOST AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. IT VALIDATES ME." MM. "WHAT I'M MOST PROUD OF IS MY DAUGHTER MADISON. SHE IS MY EVERYTHING." Iyanla: HOW DOES THAT SOUND? -THAT'S TRUE. -OKAY, MAMA. BUT I'M STRUGGLING BECAUSE MY GLASSES ARE... LET ME READ IT FOR YOU. NOT YOUR GLASSES, YOUR VISUAL ASSISTANTS. QUEENS DON'T WEAR GLASSES. -THANK YOU, DUCHESS. THEY HAVE VISUAL ASSISTANTS. SO THIS SAYS, "WHAT I'M MOST ANGRY ABOUT IS CHRIS WALKING AWAY WITHOUT CLOSURE, NOT EVEN SAYING GOODBYE." IS THAT ACCURATE FOR YOU? -MM-HMM. HOW ABOUT, "I'M ANGRY THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO PUT UP WITH THAT CRAP FOR THIS LONG"? HOW ABOUT THAT? -I AGREE WITH THAT. THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN YOUR BEING POT. WHEN YOU LOOKING AT THAT, YOU'RE LOOKING AT HAVING IN A CALL OR HAVING AN APOLOGY. THAT AIN'T GONNA CHANGE YOU. I KNOW NOW. I KNOW. SO TELL YOUR STORY. WHAT DO YOU KNOW NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHEN YOU GOT HERE? OH, I KNOW THAT I DEFINITELY... HAD A HARD TIME SHARING, OPENING UP, EXPRESSING MYSELF AS FAR AS MY FEELINGS. I DEFINITELY WAS IN DENIAL, AND I SHOULD -- NOW, LOOKING BACK, I DEFINITELY SHOULD'VE PUT MYSELF FIRST. -YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW. -MM-HMM. MY ENCOURAGEMENT TO YOU IS GET CLEAR ABOUT WHO YOU ARE... -MM-HMM. -...AS A WOMAN. GET CLEAR ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AS MALORIE BAILEY. YOU GOT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHO YOU ARE FIRST BEFORE YOU CAN BE A MOTHER, A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A WIFE, OR ANYBODY. GET CLEAR ABOUT THAT. THAT'S YOUR WORK. MM-HMM. Iyanla: THERE'S NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL, MORE POWERFUL, MORE HEALING THAN A CONVERSATION. EACH RELATIONSHIP IN OUR LIVES, BE IT WITH OUR FAMILIES, WITH OURSELVES, OR WITH OUR GOD, IS BUILT ON THOSE EVERYDAY CONVERSATIONS THAT HELP DEFINE WHO WE ARE AND DEMONSTRATE HOW WE ARE SHOWING UP IN THE WORLD. A CLEAR, CLEAN, COMPLETE CONVERSATION WILL TAKE YOUR LIFE, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, AND YOUR MIND INTO A NEW WAY OF BEING. CONSIDER THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE EITHER HAVING OR AVOIDING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
