Iyanla: HOW DO YOU EAT AN ELEPHANT? ONE BITE AT A TIME. UNFORTUNATELY, MY GUEST TODAY DIDN'T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT, TO HANDLE ONE PROBLEM BEFORE THERE WAS ANOTHER PROBLEM. THERE IS A FAMILY SECRET THAT HAS BEEN A SECRET FOR A LONG TIME. IT WAS SOMETHING THAT REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE SISTER. I WAS MOLESTED BY MY BROTHER. I KIND OF DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SAY ANYTHING AT THE TIME. I TOLD MY MOM THAT MY BROTHER MOLESTED GABBY IN THE MIDST OF AN ARGUMENT. THE PEOPLE THAT KNEW, THEY COVERED IT UP. SO MY SISTER HAD TO LITERALLY DEAL WITH HER MONSTER ON A DAILY BASIS. THE SAME DAY I FOUND OUT IS THE SAME DAY THAT THEY TOLD ME HE HAD BECOME TERMINALLY ILL. I THINK, AT THAT POINT, MY HEART AND MY MIND JUST SHUT OFF. I JUST KIND OF WENT INTO A REALLY DARK PLACE FOR A LONG TIME. AND NOW THEY'VE GOT A HUGE ELEPHANT THAT NEEDS TO BE EATEN ONE BITE AT A TIME. I AM IYANLA VANZANT, AND I AM HERE TO HELP YOU DO YOUR WORK. GOOD MORNING! -GOOD MORNING. -YOU MUST BE MS. KESHIA. -I AM. -GOOD, GOOD TO SEE YOU. -HOW ARE YOU? -GOOD TO SEE YOU, I'M GOOD. GOOD. OOH, IT'S NIPPY OUT THERE! Iyanla: MS. KESHIA IS A MOM TO THREE DAUGHTERS WHO ARE IN BREAKDOWN. Keshia: I NEED HELP WITH THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MY CHILDREN AND I. AND BASICALLY JUST TO TRY TO PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER. I READ IN YOUR INTERVIEW AND STUFF THAT YOU ARE IN TURMOIL WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED...HOW LONG AGO? I FOUND OUT FIVE YEARS AGO. THAT YOUR SON HAD MOLESTED HIS SISTER. -SEXUALLY MOLESTED HIS SISTER. -YES. AND THEN, UPON YOU FINDING THAT OUT, SIX MONTHS LATER, HE DIED? YEAH, IT WAS ABOUT SIX MONTHS. 'CAUSE I FOUND OUT IN DECEMBER, HE DIED IN JULY. HOW OLD WAS HE WHEN THIS HAPPENED? I'M ASSUMING LIKE 13 OR 14? AND HOW OLD WAS SHE? I THINK SHE WAS LIKE EIGHT, I THINK, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD NEVER TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT REALLY WHAT HAPPENED. SO, LIKE, STILL TO THIS DAY, I'M STILL A LITTLE CLUELESS. MM-HMM. 'CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT? -HIM AND KA'NECIA WAS ARGUING. -WHO'S KA'NECIA? -KA'NECIA IS MY MIDDLE DAUGHTER. -OKAY. THEY HAD GOT INTO A ARGUMENT AND THEN, SHE JUST BLURTED IT OUT, AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE MOLESTED GABRIELLE? AND SHE WAS LIKE -- SO SHE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO HIM. -SHE WAS TALKING TO HIM. -AND YOU HEARD IT. -YES. -OKAY. MY FIRST REACTION WAS TO ATTACK HIM, BUT I COULDN'T CATCH HIM 'CAUSE HE TOOK OFF, HE TOOK OFF OUT THE DOOR. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, ATTACK HIM? I WANTED TO KILL HIM. DID YOU ASK HIM ANYTHING ABOUT IT? DID YOU ASK HIM, DID HE DO IT, WHY HE DID IT? NO, I JUST AUTOMATICALLY BELIEVED IT. WHY? I THINK I BELIEVED IT BECAUSE HE WAS MOLESTED. -AND.... -HE WAS MOLESTED. PATHOLOGY COMING DOWN THROUGH THE FAMILY. -YEP. -WHAT ABOUT YOU? I WAS. MM-HMM. SO YOU HAVE A FILTER. YEAH. DO WE LOCK HIM UP? I DIDN'T. WHY? BECAUSE THE SAME WEEK, I FOUND OUT HE WAS DYING. HE WAS DYING. WHY WAS HE DYING? HE HAD SICKLE CELL ANEMIA. OH, SO HE SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE BEING SICK. YEAH. SO, THIS IS A CHILD WHO'S BEEN SICK MOST OF HIS LIFE THAT YOU RUN IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITH, THAT YOU NEVER KNOW, I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT AND WAKE UP TOMORROW AND HE'S NOT GONNA BE THERE. THIS IS A CHILD WHO YOU FIND OUT MOLESTED HIS SISTER, AND YOUR RESPONSE TO HIM IS ANGER? I COULDN'T HELP IT. WAS THAT ANGER THAT HE HAD MOLESTED HIS SISTER, OR WAS THAT ANGER THAT NOBODY HAD EVER PROTECTED YOU FROM YOUR MOLESTER? I THINK IT WAS THAT HE MOLESTED HIS SISTER. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD HE DO THAT TO ANYBODY? WELL, WHY WOULD HE DO IT? -I DON'T KNOW. -MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS MOLESTED. -YEAH. -I'M NOT EXCUSING IT AT ALL. I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU. I'M LOOKIN' AT HOW YOU RESPOND TO IT AS A MOM, HOW DO YOU DO THAT? -I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. -I KNOW, MAMA. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I STILL DON'T. STILL DON'T, DO YOU? 'CAUSE WHEN I'M LOOKIN' IN HERE... I FEEL SO BAD. YEAH, TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT. 'CAUSE I DON'T... I HAVE SPENT ALL THESE YEARS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE GABBY WAS OKAY. BUT HAVE YOU MOURNED YOUR SON? YEAH. BECAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING HIM AS A SEXUAL PREDATOR AND NOT AS YOUR BABY BOY THAT YOU FOUGHT FOR YEARS TO SAVE. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU, MAMA BEAR. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WITH ALL OF THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND THE HOOPLA AND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON, THIS COMES DOWN TO ONE THING. THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE. HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW. I'M GONNA TELL YOU THIS UP FRONT. I CAN GIVE YOU A LEARNER'S PERMIT. I CAN'T GIVE YOU YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE. -RIGHT. -WHAT I MEAN IS, I CAN TEACH YOU A BETTER WAY TO COMMUNICATE. I CAN GIVE YOU SOME SKILLS AND TOOLS AND INFORMATION, BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO DO THE FIXING HERE. -Y'ALL HAVE TO DO THE WORK. -WE WILL DO THE WORK. THIS IS A LONG-TERM, LONG-STANDING PROBLEM THAT HAS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF TENTACLES. THIS IS NOT ABOUT TERRELL RAPING GABBY. IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER, LEARNING HOW TO HEAR EACH OTHER, LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER, AND IT STARTS WITH LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN TO YOURSELF. RIGHT. Iyanla: THE DEPTHS OF MS. KESHIA'S PAIN IS PALPABLE. SHE WAS TORN BETWEEN HER SON AND HER DAUGHTER, GABBY, A VIOLATOR AND HIS VICTIM. THE DAMAGE AND PAIN FROM THAT INCIDENT SPREAD TO KESHIA'S OTHER DAUGHTERS, MS. ALICIA AND MS. KA'NECIA. THESE TWO GIRLS HAVE GROWN UP IN A HOUSE OF SECRETS AND SHAME, TAUGHT TO HIDE THE TRUTH WHENEVER POSSIBLE. AND FOR MS. KA'NECIA, THAT TRUTH IS COMPLICATED FURTHER BECAUSE OF HER DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP WITH HER YOUNGEST SISTER, GABBY. I JUST FEEL LIKE, WHEN GABBY WAS BORN, SHE JUST REPLACED ME WITH EVERYTHING, LIKE THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS WAS, SHE JUST, EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I DO, THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS BEEN. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL WHAT YOUR FAMILY IS GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW? THE BLAMING OF EACH OTHER HAS JUST GOTTEN COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND AND IT'S LIKE WE'RE SEPARATED AS WELL AS TEAMING UP WITH CERTAIN FAMILY MEMBERS. -CLIQUES? -CLIQUES, THAT'S IT, WE GOT IT. ARE Y'ALL IN A CLIQUE? -NO. I'M NOT IN A CLIQUE. -NOT REALLY. -I'M BY MYSELF. -YOU'RE BY YOURSELF? -I'M ALWAYS BY MYSELF. -AND I'M BY MYSELF, AS WELL. SO WHERE'S THE CLIQUE? AIN'T THAT MANY OF Y'ALL LEFT. IT'S MY MOM AND GABBY. -HUH? -IT'S MY MOM AND GABBY. YOUR MOM AND YOUR BABY SISTER, YOU THINK THEY'RE A CLIQUE. -YEAH. -REALLY? THE REASON I SAY THAT IS BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF LIKE MY MOM IS, LIKE, GABBY'S BEST FRIEND. -YOU THINK SO? -YEAH. Iyanla: OFTEN, SIBLING RIVALRIES LIKE THE ONE BETWEEN KA'NECIA AND GABBY CAN CONTRIBUTE TO A COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN IN THE FAMILY. I HAVE A DIVIDE BETWEEN ME AND MY FAMILY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE, AS A CHILD, MY FAMILY BULLIED ME. Iyanla: AND IN THIS CASE, THAT COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN HAD TRAGIC CONSEQUENCES. SO, HERE'S WHAT I KNOW. I KNOW THAT YOU, YOUR SISTER, GABBY, WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED IN SOME MANNER BY YOUR BROTHER. YEAH. I KNOW THAT YOU KNEW BUT DIDN'T TELL, AND THAT'S HOW YOUR MOTHER FOUND OUT. MM-HMM. AND THEN, SIX MONTHS AFTER SHE FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD VIOLATED GABBY -- I'M NOT SAYING RAPED, I'M SAYING VIOLATED GABBY -- HE DIED. WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT? I FOUND OUT THE YEAR THAT MY BROTHER PASSED AWAY. -AFTER HE PASSED AWAY? -AFTER HE PASSED AWAY. -AND WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT. -I FOUND OUT WHEN GABBY TOLD ME. -AND WHEN WAS THAT? -WHEN I WAS LIKE 16. YOU WERE 16 WHEN SHE TOLD YOU THAT HER BROTHER WAS MOLESTING HER. -YEAH. -AND WHAT DID SHE SAY? SHE SAID HE HAD SEX WITH HER. SHE SAID, "TERRELL HAD SEX WITH ME"? -MM-HMM. -AND YOU WERE 16. -YEAH. -AND HOW OLD WAS SHE? I'M FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN HER, SO 11. AND WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN SHE SAID THAT? "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT I SAID. SHE WAS LIKE, "HE HAD SEX WITH ME." HOW DID SHE KNOW WHAT "HAVE SEX WITH ME" MEANS? [ SOBBING ] YOU SAID HOW? HOW DID SHE KNOW? WHAT'S THE MATTER? [ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ] HMM? I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT. I JUST HEARD "MOLESTED." YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING THE QUESTION, 'CAUSE MOLESTING COULD BE TOUCHING, IT COULD BE PROBING, IT COULD BE ANYTHING. BUT YOU'RE SAYING THAT GABBY SAID TO YOU... GABBY SAID THAT HE HAD SEX WITH HER. -...HE HAD SEX WITH HER. -YES. THE PEOPLE THAT KNEW, THEY COVERED IT UP AND THEY DON'T REALLY SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THAT, AND I FIND IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WRONG. WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME IS THAT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T TRUST MY FAMILY. -HE SHOULD'VE WENT TO JAIL. -REALLY? -YES. MY REASON FOR THAT -- -WHY? BECAUSE HE RAPED HER, AND MY BABY SISTER STILL HAD TO SEE HIM REGARDLESS OF THEM LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. WHENEVER I CAME HOME, THEY WAS IN THE SAME HOUSE. YOU THINK THAT YOUR FATALLY ILL BROTHER SHOULD'VE GONE TO JAIL? -YES. YEP. -HMM. I THINK MY SISTER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN COUNSELING, SOMETHING WHERE SHE CAN FEEL LIKE -- SHE WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE IT'S HER FAULT. AS IT WERE, SHE BECAME ANGRY AND SHE BECAME A PERSON I DID NOT RECOGNIZE. Iyanla: SO MANY PEOPLE CHOOSE SILENCE OVER TRUTH. IT'S A BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION THAT HAPPENS IN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES, AND THAT IS THE ROOT OF THIS FAMILY'S PROBLEM. YOUR SISTER'S TELLING YOU THAT YOUR BROTHER IS HAVING SEX WITH HER. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER? BECAUSE I NEVER WAS IN A GOOD PLACE WITH HER. YOU WEREN'T IN A GOOD PLACE WITH HER THEN? NO, I WAS NEVER IN A GOOD PLACE WITH HER. NEVER? NO. LIKE, PROBABLY WHEN I WAS YOUNG YOUNG, LIKE PROBABLY 6th GRADE WAS LIKE THE LAST TIME. SHE WOULD CALL ME OUT OF MY NAME AND ACCUSE ME, SAYING THAT I WAS A WHORE, SAYING THAT I WAS A SLUT, CALLED ME BITCHES. YOU, TOO? NO, SHE NEVER CALLED HER OUT OF HER NAME LIKE THAT. -DID YOU HEAR HER CALL HER THAT? -YES. -WHY? -I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST HOW SHE FELT ABOUT ME. IT'S MORE OF THE THINGS THAT, WHERE WE LIVE, IT'S BIG BUT IT'S SMALL, AND SO, YOU WOULD HEAR THINGS ABOUT YOUR KIDS. THAT'S JUST IT, AND I USED TO HEAR THINGS ABOUT MY SISTER WHILE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. AND THAT'S WHY ME AND HER WASN'T IN A GOOD PLACE EITHER WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, FROM 14 TO 18 BEFORE I LEFT. -WHY? BECAUSE I WOULD HEAR PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL, LIKE I'M 14, 15 YEARS OLD, AND I'M NOT DATING YET. I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A BOYFRIEND YET AND, YOU KNOW, THE BOYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT MY SISTER DOES, YOU KNOW? WHAT DID YOU DO? -NOTHING. -IT'S MORE -- SO WHY -- OKAY, HELP ME. I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. WHAT I FOUND OUT IS, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY MY SISTER THAT THE BIG DEAL WAS ABOUT, 'CAUSE THEY WERE SAYING SEXUAL THINGS THAT SHE WAS DOING. BUT IT WASN'T HER, IT WAS HER FRIENDS THAT SHE WAS HANGIN' OUT WITH, AND I THINK THE ISSUE -- OH, SHE WAS JUST IN THE GROUP? -YOU HUNG OUT WITH THE THOTs. -IT HAD TO GO BACK TO MY MOM. -YEAH. -[ LAUGHING ] WITH MY MOM, MY MOM WOULD HEAR THINGS ABOUT THE GIRLS THAT SHE HUNG OUT WITH, THE THINGS THEY WERE DOING, AND SHE COULD ONLY ASSUME MY SISTER WAS DOING IT, TOO. -DID YOUR MOTHER EDUCATE YOU ABOUT SEXUAL -- ABOUT YOUR BODY? -NO. -ABOUT SEX? -NO. -BIRTH CONTROL? SHE PUT ME ON BIRTH CONTROL. SHE PUT YOU ON BIRTH CONTROL? WHEN? WHEN I WAS LIKE 16. -HAD YOU HAD SEX BY THEN? -MM-HMM. OKAY, YOU HAD. SO, WHEN DID YOU FIRST HAVE SEX? FIRST TIME I EVER HAD SEX, SOMEBODY RAPED ME. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, IT WAS TRUE. MY MOM NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING. THEY CUT HER PAY TO WHERE SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING. [ HIGH-PITCHED NOISE ] -OH, WAIT A MINUTE. -[ SCREAMING ] FIRST TIME I EVER HAD SEX, SOMEBODY RAPED ME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW OLD WERE YOU? I WAS 15. SO, SOMEBODY RAPED YOU? YES. Iyanla: LIKE TOO MANY YOUNG WOMEN, KA'NECIA WAS VIOLATED BY SOMEONE SHE KNEW, AN OLDER MAN, WHILE AT THE HOME OF A CLOSE FRIEND. AND SO, WHAT HAPPENED? I WAS IN HER ROOM, WE WAS IN THERE ASLEEP, AND HE CAME THERE, AND HE PULLED ME BY MY LEGS. AND WHERE WAS SHE? SHE WAS IN THE BED, TOO. SO SHE DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS PULLING YOU BY YOUR LEGS? SHE TRIED TO PRETEND LIKE SHE DIDN'T. AND SO, HE PULLED YOU BY YOUR LEGS AND DID WHAT? HE RAPED ME. WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD HAD SEX? -YES. -YEAH. DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER? IT WAS A YEAR LATER. A YEAR LATER. WHY DID YOU WAIT A YEAR TO TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU HAD BEEN VIOLATED? WERE YOU AND HER NOT ON GOOD TERMS AT THAT POINT? I JUST DIDN'T TELL HER. Iyanla: A MOTHER WHO WAS MOLESTED, A DAUGHTER WHO WAS RAPED BY AN ACQUAINTANCE, ANOTHER DAUGHTER RAPED BY HER OWN BROTHER, WHO HIMSELF WAS RAPED. IT'S A FAMILY PATHOLOGY THAT HAS LANDED RIGHT IN THE LAP OF MS. GABBY. SO, MS. GABBY, I'VE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR MOM, HAD A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SISTERS, AND EVERYBODY HAS A STORY ABOUT YOU AND FOR YOU. SO I WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY FROM YOU. I GUESS I COULD START OFF. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN. WAIT A MINUTE, LET'S START ALL THE WAY AT THE BEGINNING. MY NAME IS KATELYN WILEY. EVERYBODY CALLS ME GABBY. I'M 21 YEARS OLD. I FEEL LIKE I'M BROKEN IN CERTAIN WAYS. I FEEL LIKE MY SELF ESTEEM IS A LOT LOW. MY TRUST LEVEL WITH PEOPLE IS REALLY LOW, AND I FEEL LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD REFLECTED ON EVERYTHING WITH ME AS AN ADULT. NOW, WHAT I'VE HEARD AND WHAT I READ IN YOUR INTERVIEW NOTES IS THAT YOU WERE SEXUALLY VIOLATED BY YOUR BROTHER WHO IS NOW DECEASED. -YES, MA'AM. -IS THAT ACCURATE? YES, MA'AM. YOU TOLD KA'NECIA WHEN YOU WERE 11. I TOLD KA'NECIA WHEN I WAS ABOUT... AROUND THE TIME IT STARTED, WHEN I WAS ABOUT EIGHT. -YOU TOLD HER. -I TOLD HER. HOW OLD WAS SHE? WE'RE FIVE YEARS APART, SO SHE SHOULD BE LIKE 13. Iyanla: MS. GABBY IS TELLING ME THAT KA'NECIA KNEW ABOUT HER VIOLATION FOR YEARS, MUCH EARLIER THAN KA'NECIA LED ME TO BELIEVE. YOU WERE 16, AND HOW OLD WAS SHE? 11. THIS FAMILY'S PATHOLOGY IS HISTORICAL, AND IN ORDER TO HEAL THEIR PAST, THEY MUST FIRST BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IT TRUTHFULLY WITH ME AND WITH EACH OTHER. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER? I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO. SAME WAY YOU TOLD KA'NECIA. YEAH. I JUST ALWAYS FELT LIKE... WE WEREN'T GONNA HAVE A CONNECTION IF I WAS TO TELL HER THAT. I GUESS, AT THE TIME, I JUST REALLY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GO TO MY MOM AND JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, SAY THE SAME THING I WOULD SAY TO -- 'CAUSE AT THE TIME, I LOOKED AT KA'NECIA AS MY FRIEND, LIKE... DID YOU WANT KA'NECIA TO STOP TERRELL? I FIGURED THAT SHE WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE, BUT SHE DIDN'T. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE ANY CONNECTION WITH MEN, NONE. YOU JUST HAVE TO SHUT IT DOWN. YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY, YOU KNOW? I NEVER HAD FRIENDS. BECAUSE? I NEVER HAD FRIENDS BECAUSE... I NEVER HAD FRIENDS 'CAUSE I DIDN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE FRIENDS. BECAUSE? BECAUSE I KEPT MYSELF CLOSED UP SO PEOPLE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HURT ME. AND THEY WOULDN'T KNOW THAT YOU HAD BEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR BROTHER. YEAH, THEY WOULDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS HAVING SEX WITH HIM. THEY WOULDN'T KNOW THAT -- I MEAN, 'CAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSING, FOR ONE. ABSOLUTELY, GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD TO SAY THAT. Iyanla: FOR GABBY, HER SISTERS, AND HER MOTHER, THE KEY TO THEIR HEALING LIES IN BEING ABLE TO SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH ONE ANOTHER, BUT IN ORDER TO SHARE THEIR STORIES, THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HEAR EACH OTHER'S STORIES WITHOUT JUDGMENT. I TALKED TO EACH OF YOU THIS MORNING AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF Y'ALL HAVE A DIFFERENT STORY ABOUT THE SAME THING. DID YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'VE GOT ONE STORY, SHE GOT ONE STORY, SHE GOT ONE STORY, YOU GOT ONE STORY. AND NONE OF Y'ALL ARE COMMUNICATING ABOUT YOUR STORIES. RIGHT. EVERYBODY FILLS IN FOR THE OTHER PERSON MAKING UP WHAT THEY THOUGHT, WHAT THEY SAID, WHAT THEY MEANT, AND THAT'S WHY YOU STAY FOCUSED ON THE PROBLEM, NOT ON THE SOLUTION. EVERYBODY'S GOT TO BE ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE. COME ON, GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE. I MEAN LITERALLY. 'CAUSE AS LONG AS YOU'RE HOLDING ONTO YOUR STORY, TELLING YOUR PART, EVERYBODY HAS TO BE ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE. SO, DO Y'ALL KNOW THAT EACH OF YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION OF THE SAME EXPERIENCE? [ HIGH-PITCHED NOISE ] -OH, WAIT A MINUTE. -[ SCREAMING ] Iyanla: SO, DO Y'ALL KNOW THAT EACH OF YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION OF THE SAME EXPERIENCE? [ HIGH-PITCHED NOISE ] OH, WAIT A MINUTE. [ SCREAMING ] [ BANGING ON POT ] [ IYANLA CHUCKLES ] OH, MY GOD, HE SCARED ME. OH. OH, JESUS. -[ SCREAMS ] -OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, OKAY. THAT WAS A LITTLE SHOCKING. SO, NOW... TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW. COME ON. WITH THIS EXERCISE, IT IS MY INTENTION TO SHOW THEM THAT WHILE THEIR EXPERIENCES ARE THEIR OWN, IT DOESN'T MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S VERSION OF IT ANY LESS TRUE OR VALUABLE. SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS, HOW MANY MALES WERE THERE AND HOW MANY FEMALES WERE THERE? I THINK I SAW ONE MALE -- NO TWO MALES AND ONE FEMALE. WHAT DID YOU SEE? -TWO MALES AND ONE FEMALE. -WHAT DID YOU SEE? UM, TWO MALES AND TWO FEMALES. MM-HMM, WHAT DID YOU SEE? I SAW ONE MALE, ONE FEMALE. MM-HMM, ALL OF YOU ARE ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE, HAD THE EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE AND SAW SOMETHING DIFFERENT, AND IT'S ALL ABOUT PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION AND INTERPRETATION, SO WHY IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT HAPPENED IN THE HOUSEHOLD GROWING UP? Iyanla: IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD, THESE WOMEN MUST BE WILLING TO LISTEN, HEAR, AND LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE COMPASSIONATELY WITH ONE ANOTHER. I WANT TO GIVE Y'ALL EACH ONE OF THESE. WANT TO LOOK AT SOME... RULES FOR COMMUNICATION. AND LET'S SEE IF YOU ALL ARE FOLLOWING ANY OF THESE RULES. [ LAUGHS ] ALL RIGHT? DO NOT SPEAK WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS SPEAKING. DO Y'ALL FOLLOW THAT RULE? -NO. MNH-MNH. -[ LAUGHING ] -Y'ALL CROSS TALK. -YES. [ LAUGHING ] TRYING TO GET EVERYBODY ON YOUR SIDE. WHO'S THE BIGGEST CROSS TALKER? [ LAUGHTER ] IS THAT TRUE? [ LAUGHING ] AT LEAST YOU KNOW IT. SHE OWNED IT, SHE SAID, "YEAH." -WHO DO YOU BE TALKING TO? -WHAT? WHEN SOMEBODY'S TALKING AND YOU CROSS TALK. WELL, WHEN MY BROTHER WAS HERE, I WOULD BE TALKING TO HIM. OKAY, WERE YOU CLOSE TO HIM? VERY CLOSE TO HIM. OH. YEAH. HE WAS LIKE MY BEST FRIEND. WE WERE ONLY 13 MONTHS APART. WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER. WE ALWAYS WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL. SO I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE YOUR BABY SISTER TELL YOU THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS VIOLATING HER. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT INFORMATION? DID YOU KNOW THAT, HE WAS HER BEST FRIEND? YEAH. WOW. HERE IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW. THE REASON SHE TOLD YOU INSTEAD OF YOU WAS BECAUSE YOU WERE HIS BEST FRIEND, AND SHE THOUGHT YOU COULD STOP HIM. OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T COMMUNICATE THAT TO YOU. THIS IS JUST IN HER MIND. WOULD THAT BE ACCURATE? YES, MA'AM. SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT SHE FIGURED, IF SHE TOLD YOU THAT HE WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG, THAT AS HIS BEST FRIEND, YOU WOULD STOP HIM. I DID STOP HIM. NO, YOU DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T STOP. YOU STOPPED HIM EVENTUALLY WHEN YOU BLURTED OUT WHAT HE HAD DONE, BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT TO STOP HIM, YOU SAID THAT TO HURT HIM. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? MM-HMM. AND ACTUALLY, YOU DIDN'T SAY IT TO HURT HIM, YOU WERE SAYING IT TO HURT HER. Iyanla: AS THE PRESSURE BUILT UP AT HOME, KA'NECIA HOPED TO LEAVE HER TROUBLES BEHIND BY GOING TO COLLEGE, BUT HER RESENTMENT TOWARD HER FAMILY DID NOT GET EASIER WITH THE DISTANCE. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, IT WAS TRUE, MY MOM NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME. WELL, NOT TO SAY THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO. SHE COULDN'T AFFORD TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME IN COLLEGE BECAUSE GABBY HAD A BABY. BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT WE ALSO WERE STRUGGLING LIKE HELL WHILE YOU WAS IN SCHOOL AND WHILE SHE WAS STILL TRYING TO MAKE SURE YOU HAD WHILE YOU WAS IN SCHOOL. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING. THEY CUT HER PAY TO WHERE SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING. I ALREADY KNEW THAT. IT WAS TIMES WHERE WE WOULD SPLIT A MEAL. IT WAS JUST US. IT'S NOT THAT BECAUSE I HAD A BABY. WE WERE STRUGGLING OURSELVES, LIKE -- THEY CUT MY PAY. I COULDN'T WALK AWAY FROM THE JOB. I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MONEY TO BURY HIM. THEY CUT MY PAY FROM $19 A HOUR TO $10 A HOUR. I WAS BARELY BRINGING HOME $300 EVERY TWO WEEKS! TELL ME WHY YOU'RE CRYING, MOMMY. TELL ME WHY YOU'RE CRYING. BECAUSE IT HURTS FOR THEM TO THINK THAT I WOULD NOT TAKE CARE OF THEM. I DIDN'T HAVE IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE MY HOUSE. I WORKED, ME AND MY CHILDREN WERE HOMELESS. WE SLEPT IN OUR CAR, AND I DON'T NEVER WANT TO BE HOMELESS AGAIN. I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THEM, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE IT. WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A THING THAT I'M HEARING HERE AND SEEING HERE. THERE'S AN IMPACT OF POVERTY THAT... LEAVES EVERYBODY KIND OF BROKEN IN A WAY, AND I'M WATCHING YOU. YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN HOW TO HEAR THAT STUFF IN YOUR BELLY AND SIT IN IT BECAUSE THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD IS FOR A CHILD TO THINK THAT THEY'RE HURTIN' THEIR MAMA. BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA FALL APART EVERY TIME THEY TELL YOU SOMETHING, THEN YOU SET IT UP SO THEY DON'T TELL YOU THE TRUTH! -I UNDERSTAND THAT NOW. -WELL, YOU NEED TO. WELL, SUCK IT UP. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, YOU SIT THERE, YOU TWIDDLE, YOU EAT, YOU DO WHATEVER. THEN, WHEN THEY FINISH, YOU RUN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM. [ BOTH LAUGHING ] Iyanla: HEARING LEADS TO UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE. THAT IS THE WORK FOR THIS FAMILY. FOR THEIR HOMEWORK TONIGHT, I AM ASKING THEM TO TAKE THE TIME TO CONSIDER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER AND THEMSELVES BECAUSE TOMORROW IS A BIG DAY. WHAT IS THE TRUTH THAT YOU'VE BEEN AFRAID TO TELL? Iyanla: IT'S DAY TWO HERE AT THE SAFE HOUSE FOR A MOTHER AND HER DAUGHTERS WHO ARE LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE, AND I'M REALLY INTERESTED TO SEE WHAT THEY DID WITH THEIR HOMEWORK, BECAUSE WHAT I KNOW IS THAT WHENEVER THERE'S A COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN, THERE HAS TO BE A BULLY AND AN ATTACKER, A RESCUER AND A VICTIM, AND I'M JUST WONDERING HOW THEY SEE THEMSELVES THIS MORNING. THERE IS AN UNSPOKEN CLOUD AMONG Y'ALL. I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT Y'ALL IN COMMUNICATING THIS AND CLEARING THIS UP. OTHERWISE, I CAN'T EVEN SEND YOU HOME WITH A LEARNER'S PERMIT BECAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE IS VIOLENCE. IT'S VIOLENT. THAT YOU JUST THROW YOUR FUNK IN THE SPACE AND YOU KEEP YOUR FACE SO FUNKED UP SO PEOPLE EITHER HAVE TO ASK YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU OR IGNORE YOU. BUT YOU'RE OCCUPYING THE SPACE. GABBY'S ANGER AND HOSTILITY MAKES IT DIFFICULT FOR HER TO BE IN THE SAME SPACE WITH HER FAMILY. HER BODY LANGUAGE ALONE MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO COMMUNICATE. AND MS. KA'NECIA IS CARRYING THAT SAME HOSTILITY. WHAT IS IT? HURT, RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'RE STILL FEELING? I FEEL THAT THEY VIEW ME IN A NEGATIVE WAY. AND WHO WOULD THAT BE? SPEAKING OF PRESENT, MY MOM AND GABBY. OKAY, SO, LET THEM KNOW. TURN AND FACE THEM. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M JUST A BAD PERSON. YOU REMEMBER CALLING HER A WHORE, SLUT, AND BITCH? -I DO. -WHY DID YOU DO THAT, MAMA? I WAS WRONG, BUT IT WAS HER BEHAVIOR AND WHAT SHE WAS DOING. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I WAS WRONG, PERIOD. I WAS WRONG. LOOK AT HER AND TELL HER, "I WAS WRONG." I WAS WRONG. I WAS WRONG FOR CALLING YOU THOSE NAMES. YEAH. AND WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHAT DID IT REMIND YOU OF? MY BEHAVIOR. DID YOU HEAR THAT? TELL HER MORE. TELL HER ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE, ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR. TAKE A BREATH. YOU'RE NOT MOM RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE JUST ONE WOMAN SHARING WITH ANOTHER. BEING SEXUALLY VIOLATED FOR SO MANY YEARS PUT ME IN A REALLY, REALLY BAD SITUATION WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. "I CALLED YOU WHAT I FELT WAS TRUE ABOUT ME." I CALLED YOU WHAT I FELT ABOUT ME. BECAUSE NOBODY EVER TAUGHT ME ANY DIFFERENT. NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME ANY DIFFERENT. DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN PARENTS DO THAT? WHEN THEY PROJECT THEIR BROKENNESS ONTO THEIR CHILDREN AND SAY THINGS TO THEM THAT MAYBE THEY'RE FEELING ABOUT THEMSELVES BUT IT'S EASIER TO SEE IT ON YOU AND PUT IT ON YOU. FOR MS. KESHIA, RECOGNIZING WHY SHE FEELS THE WAY SHE DOES ABOUT HER DAUGHTER IS A GOOD FIRST STEP. NOW I WILL SUPPORT HER TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH OR HOW LITTLE HER THOUGHTS ABOUT KA'NECIA WERE BASED IN REALITY. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR DAUGHTER WAS PROMISCUOUS? I ASKED HER, WAS SHE HAVING SEX? SHE SAID YES. HER BEHAVIOR JUST STARTED CHANGING. I KNEW SHE WAS BEING PROMISCUOUS, AND SHE KNEW -- YOU KNOW I KNOW YOU WAS BEING PROMISCUOUS. WELL, IT APPEARED THAT WAY. HOW MUCH OF WHAT YOU SAW IN HER WAS A FUNCTION OF WHAT YOU BELIEVED ABOUT YOURSELF? A LOT OF IT WAS WHAT I BELIEVED ABOUT MYSELF, BUT I KNOW FOR SURE THAT SHE WAS BEING PROMISCUOUS AND SHE WON'T ADMIT THAT. IF WE WANT TO JUST GO AHEAD AND PUT IT OUT THERE, THEY WERE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS THAT I WAS SLEEPING WITH BOYS, BUT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY FRIEND THAT WAS GIRL. -WHAT? -HUH? [ IYANLA LAUGHS ] -YOU LITTLE -- -HOLD ON. OKAY! Ka'Necia: THEY WERE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS THAT I WAS SLEEPING WITH BOYS, BUT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY FRIEND THAT WAS A GIRL. -WHAT? -HUH? [ IYANLA LAUGHS ] -YOU LITTLE -- -HOLD ON. OKAY! [ CLAPS ] YUM TO THE YUM-YUM. -HOLD ON. -THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME. AND THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I WAS SLEEPING WITH THE BOY, AND I WASN'T. YOU WERE USING THE BOYS TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH THE GIRL. -YES. TAKE A BREATH EVERYBODY. [ LAUGHS ] HOLD ON. [ LAUGHS ] SO, ARE YOU GAY? -I'M NOT GAY, I'M BISEXUAL. -BISEXUAL, EXCELLENT. -[ SIGHS ] -NOW WHY WOULD YOU HIDE THAT FROM THEM? -BECAUSE THEY'RE JUDGMENTAL. BUT SO ARE YOU. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. BUT I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW YOU SET IT UP LIKE THIS. JUST LIKE I SAID TO HER, SHE DON'T TELL YOUR TRUTH. YOU DON'T TELL YOUR TRUTH. SO YOU LEAVE YOURSELF OPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S INTERPRETATIONS OF YOU. MAMA, YOUR DAUGHTER'S BISEXUAL. SO SHE WASN'T SLEEPING WITH BOYS. SHE WAS USING THE BOYS TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH GIRLS. AND WHY DID YOU DO THAT? DID YOU THINK SHE WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT THAT? YEAH, 'CAUSE SHE MAKES COMMENTS ABOUT GAY PEOPLE. -YEAH. -I JOKE AROUND. SHE JOKE AROUND. SHE DON'T HATE GAY PEOPLE OR NOTHING, SHE JUST MAKE JOKES. YOU'D RATHER BE MAD AT THEM FOR SAYING YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH A BOY. BUT YOU WOULDN'T TELL THEM THE TRUTH THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH A GIRL. YOU'RE PROJECTING THAT ONTO THEM. WHAT IS THE TRUTH THAT YOU'VE BEEN AFRAID TO TELL? THAT I MIGHT NOT LIKE GUYS AS MUCH AS I THINK, AND I FEEL LIKE I'M FORCING IT. THAT'S OKAY. I HAVE A RESENTMENT FOR MEN BECAUSE OF HOW MY DAD TREATED ME. [ SOBS ] AND MS. KA'NECIA, WHEN YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE HURT IN YOUR HEART LIKE THAT, AND WHEN YOU FEEL SAD LIKE THAT, WHERE DO YOU GO? WHO JUST HOLDS ONTO YOU AND LETS YOU KNOW THAT IT'S OKAY? NOBODY. IF THEY WANTED TO, WOULD YOU LET THEM? I WOULD LET THEM. GO HUG YOUR SISTER. MS. KA'NECIA SPENT YEARS COVERING UP WHO SHE REALLY IS AND WHAT HER EXPERIENCES REALLY ARE, ALL BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT HER FAMILY MIGHT JUDGE HER. JUST LIKE HER SISTER, GABBY. MS. GABBY AND I HAD A REALLY GOOD CONVERSATION YESTERDAY ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE WITH HER BROTHER. SO, I'VE ASKED MS. GABBY TO JUST REALLY SHARE WITH YOU HER EXPERIENCE AND HOW IT FELT, WHAT SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND EVEN SOME OF WHAT SHE'S CARRYING TODAY. -OKAY. -OKAY? TAKE YOUR TIME. UM.... "IT STARTED WHEN I WAS..." IT STARTED WHEN I WAS EIGHT. THAT'S ABOUT THE AGE THAT I CAN REMEMBER. UM... "HE WOULD..." HE WOULD TOUCH ME. HE WOULD CRAWL ON THE FLOOR, AND HE WOULD TOUCH ME. HE WAS BASICALLY, LIKE, BULLYING ME, TELLING ME THAT I COULDN'T TELL YOU. YOU KNOW, TELLING ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T ACCEPT ME ANYMORE BECAUSE I TOLD YOU. OR YOU WOULDN'T CARE FOR ME OR YOU WOULDN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE. AND MAYBE HAVING THE BOND THAT I HAVE WITH YOU, THAT ITSELF ALONE, IT SCARED ME TO EVEN THINK TO TELL YOU. YOU KNOW? THERE WAS TIMES WHERE, I GUESS MY BODY WOULD JUST FREEZE. 'CAUSE, LIKE, I WANT TO REACT, I WANT TO SCREAM, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING, BUT BECAUSE HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE, "YOU BETTER NOT SAY NOTHING," YOU KNOW? OR IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, THAT LOOK IN HIS FACE THAT HE WOULD GET, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL IT. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT. Iyanla: AN ABUSER'S GREATEST WEAPON IS FEAR. KEEPING THEIR VICTIM FRIGHTENED KEEPS THEIR VICTIM SILENCED. AND FOR A FAMILY WHERE COMMUNICATION IS ALREADY AN ISSUE, IT WAS A PERFECT STORM FOR MS. GABBY. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER, MAMA? PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I REALIZE NOW, FROM THE AGES THAT YOU SAID... BECAUSE I WAS BEING SO HURT BY [BLEEP], I WOULD INTENTIONALLY WORK LONGER HOURS... SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FACE HIM. AND I ASK YOU TO JUST BE OPEN SO YOU CAN HEAL... 'CAUSE IT BREAKS MY HEART AND IT HURTS SO BAD. [ SOBS ] MAMA, DOES IT HURT FOR HER OR DOES IT HURT FOR YOU? I HONESTLY THINK I HURT FOR HER. YEAH, AND WHERE IS YOUR HURT FOR YOURSELF? I ALWAYS PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER. WELL, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL. THAT IS NOT GOING TO TURN OUT WELL. BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS, MAMA, IS YOU DON'T GIVE HER THE SPACE AND THE ROOM TO HAVE HER OWN PAIN. SHE'S TOO BUSY TRYING TO MANAGE YOUR HURT. -I UNDERSTAND. -AND SHE NEEDS TO SIT IN THAT AND LET IT BUBBLE UP INSIDE OF HER SO THAT SHE CAN FEEL IT AND RELEASE IT. BUT IF YOU HURTIN' FOR HER, SHE WILL STAY NUMB, SHE WILL CHECK OUT, SHE WILL WITHHOLD AND WITHDRAW AND CONTINUE TO ATTRACT KNUCKLEHEADS WHO VIOLATE YOU. BECAUSE YOUR FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS A BETRAYAL AND A VIOLATION BY A MAN THAT YOU LOVED. AND IT'S OKAY TO LOVE HIM. MS. GABBY, IT'S OKAY TO LOVE HIM AND STILL BE HURT AND ANGRY ABOUT WHAT HE DID. Iyanla: THESE WOMEN HAVE MADE SOME INCREDIBLE PROGRESS IN COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER, BUT THERE IS ONE MORE FAMILY MEMBER THEY MUST SPEAK WITH IN ORDER TO TRULY FIND THEIR PEACE. HE STILL HAS A PLACE RIGHT BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. EVEN THOUGH HIS BODY ISN'T THERE, HIS ENERGY IS THERE, HIS NAME IS THERE. AND YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM, AND YOU'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT HIM... WITH COMPASSION. WHAT DO YOU NEED TO SAY TO HIM? "HOW COULD YOU?" YOU TELL HIM. -HOW COULD YOU? -YEAH. HOW COULD YOU TAKE MY INNOCENCE AWAY FROM ME? MY CHILDHOOD AWAY FROM ME? WHAT ELSE? COME ON, TALK TO HIM, TALK TO HIM. IT DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE AND IT DON'T HAVE TO BE PRETTY RIGHT NOW. TALK TO HIM. I FEEL SO BAD THAT I WISHED THAT YOU WOULD DIE. YEAH. AND THEN, RIGHT AFTER IT CAME OUT, YOU DIED. YEAH. I STILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. YES. I JUST HURT. I FORGIVE YOU. AH. YEAH. YES, GO GET YOUR BABY SISTER. SIT RIGHT NEXT TO HER. -[ SOBBING ] -YEAH, YEAH. HOLD HER, YEAH. HOLD HER, HOLD HER. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. MS. KA'NECIA, WHAT DO YOU NEED TO SAY TO YOUR BROTHER? TERRELL, WHEN NOBODY ELSE UNDERSTOOD YOUR PAIN, I DID. BUT THAT STILL DOES NOT EXCUSE WHAT YOU DID TO GABBY, BECAUSE HURTIN' SOMEBODY NEVER FIXES YOUR PROBLEM. [ SOBS ] I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD DO THAT TO HER, BECAUSE I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE THAT WAS NOT THE PERSON THAT HE WAS. -AND I FORGIVE YOU. -YES. -AND I LOVE YOU. -YEAH. I ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU. WHEN YOU HEAR HIS STORY FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE, YOU CAN FIND COMPASSION AND NOT JUST, "HE DID THIS, HE DID THIS, HE DID THIS." DOESN'T CHANGE, DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED, BUT WE HEAR IT WITH A DIFFERENT FILTER. MAMA, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO YOUR BABY BOY? WHO YOU NEVER REALLY GAVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO MOURN BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY BEING MAD AT HIM. [ SOBS ] YEAH, SIT NEXT TO YOUR MAMA. COME ON, SIT NEXT TO YOUR MAMA. COME ON, SIT NEXT TO YOUR MAMA. WE AIN'T LEAVING YOU OUT, 'CAUSE, SEE, YOU OVER THERE SAYING, "SEE HOW THEY ALL OVER THERE TOGETHER?" GET OVER THERE ON THAT END. [ LAUGHS ] COME ON, SQUEEZE IT OUT. SHE'S BRINGING HER BOOTY OVER THERE. YEAH. EVERYBODY ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'D DO THIS. 'CAUSE HE WAS A HURT LITTLE BOY. BECAUSE HE LIVED EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE IN PAIN. BECAUSE HE HURT IN WAYS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE. BECAUSE EVERY MORNING, HE WOKE UP NEVER KNOWING IF HE WAS GONNA SEE THE END OF THE DAY. BECAUSE HIS BONES HURT, AND HIS SKIN HURT, AND HIS HAIR HURT, AND HIS HEART HURT, AND HIS SOUL HURT. AND BECAUSE SOMEBODY TAUGHT HIM HOW TO CRAWL ACROSS THE FLOOR AND VIOLATE SOMEONE YOUNGER AND LESS POWERFUL THAN HIM. THAT'S WHY, MAMA, THAT'S WHY. NOT BECAUSE HE WAS A BAD PERSON. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN YOU LIVE EVERY DAY WONDERING WHAT DAY YOU'RE GONNA DIE, YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. -RIGHT. -YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. RIGHT. WE MISS YOU. AH, THEY MISS YOU, TERRELL. WE MISS YOUR GOOD FOOD. -HE COOKED? -OH, GOD, YES. THAT'S ONE THING -- THAT'S THE ONE TIME ALL OF Y'ALL HAVE AGREED ON SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ] THIS RIGHT HERE THAT I'M LOOKING AT, THIS IS A GOOD THING. SOMETHING WE DIDN'T EVEN DO WHEN HE DIED. YEAH, YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE? -WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO. -YEAH. MM-HMM. YOU DON'T HAVE TO ROMANTICIZE HIM AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO VILIFY HIM, JUST TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO LOVE HIM AND TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. -RIGHT. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO MISS HIM, AND TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. AND THAT'LL COME THROUGH FORGIVENESS. I THINK OUR WORK HERE IS DONE. BUT YOU'VE GOT YOUR RULES. YOU'VE GOT TO PRACTICE THEM. YOU'VE GOT TO CALL EACH OTHER ON THEM. YOU GOT TO BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER. YOU GOT TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER. ...IN A LITTLE BIT. SO HOW DO YOU EAT AN ELEPHANT? ONE BITE AT A TIME. BUT YOU CAN'T JUST USE YOUR MOUTH. YOU NEED TOOLS. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO USE THE TOOLS, AND THAT TAKES PRACTICE. FOR THIS FAMILY, NOW THAT THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN TOOLS, IT IS MY PRAYER THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO DEVOUR THAT ELEPHANT. HOW MANY PEOPLE STAY STUCK SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE COMMUNICATION TOOLS?
